Chapter Text
NMIXX recently released a new EP with a vampire concept, which ended up getting a lot of attention. Probably because of the ‘doomed yuri’ in the two music videos.
As filming and comeback preparations had started, Kyujin and Lily started spending more time together. Kyujin was really happy about it, she always wanted to spend more time with her Lily noona unnie.
But now, Kyujin was struggling with her gender identity. She keeps wanting to use masculine terms, and she does call her members ‘noona’ sometimes, but she doesn’t know how to tell them that it’s a serious thing for her. She doesn’t know who to talk to, or how to explain how she feels.
I mean, she’s a k-pop idol. She’d have to hide this. For the sake of her career, for the sake of her members. But it was getting more annoying every day, not being able to express who she really is.
For now, she’d need to hide that part of her. Couldn’t be too hard, right?
Well, Kyujin was in the practice room with the other members. They were taking a break, as the members sat down.
Kyujin stayed where she was to catch her breath, as she saw the other members going their separate ways for a moment, she noticed Lily sat against the wall, not very far from her.
Kyujin was looking in the mirror, she could see Lily looking in her direction already. Just then, Lily spoke up.
“Kyujin-ah, can you do noona a favor?” Lily said, which caused Kyujin to turn around. Kyujin was blushing from the use of “noona,” which she never expected Lily to refer to herself as. “Did you call yourself noona..?” Kyujin questions, almost worried about how Lily would react to how Kyujin liked using masculine terms.
Lily gestured for Kyujin to come closer, and Kyujin did. She sank back against the wall, right next to Lily. Lily spoke softly now, “I saw fans online talking about how you said you like to say ‘noona’ sometimes, and I’ve noticed you’ve used other masculine terms. I just want you to know I support you, Kyujin. And I’m always here if you want to talk to me, okay?” Lily expressed. Kyujin smiled, “Thank you, uhh.. Noona.. I appreciate it.. Ah, but you wanted me to do you a favor?”
Lily kissed Kyujin’s cheek, much to Kyujin’s surprise. “Mwaa!” Lily smiled, “I just wanted to talk to you, honestly. And you always want to help your noonas, so I figured it’d be an easy way to convince you to come over here.” Lily said, tilting her head. “Oh, right. What was the kiss for..?” Kyujin questioned, surprised that her literal crush kissed her cheek.
Lily smiled, answering the cat-like idol’s question. “Because I’m proud of you. And you’re cute, and I felt like kissing you.”
Just then, Jinsol sat next to Kyujin. “What’s up with you two?” The tallest idol questioned, looking at Lily and Kyujin. Kyujin didn’t say anything, but Lily did. “Nothing, Jinsol-ah. Kyujin is just being a cutie.” Lily said, smiling in an almost teasing manner. Kyujin blushes, looking down. Luckily, Jinsol was more focused on Lily. “Oh, that’s why you kissed her?” Jinsol said, laughing. “Kind of, yes. It’s a bit more than that, though. But hey, stop worrying about us.. What’s up with you and Jiwoo, hmm?”
Lily was changing the subject, and it’s good that she did since Kyujin was quite embarrassed. Kyujin hasn’t told anyone except for Jiwoo about her crush on Lily, but Jinsol might have realized too by now. But also, Jinsol and Jiwoo had something going on anyway, so it was an easy topic to discuss.
“Uhh, nothing? Why..?” Jinsol said, nervously.
“Oh come onnn, Jinsol-ah! You were kissing Jiwoo all over her face in front of everyone, and you expect me to believe that it doesn’t mean anything?” Lily says, crossing her arms.
The two kept bickering back and forth, as Kyujin started to pay less attention. She kept thinking about how Lily just kissed her cheek. Does that mean nothing? Probably. But still, Lily could’ve said the same thing without kissing her cheek. Lily never kisses her cheek. Is there a chance that it could mean anything..? Well, Kyujin figured it didn’t matter anyway. She can’t extra ruin her career. The whole, questioning-her-gender thing was bad enough. What would the media think if she were to date one of her members?
…
The members got back to the dorms. Kyujin went to Jiwoo’s room to talk to her, as she didn’t know who else would possibly be able to help.
Jiwoo had just put her stuff down on her nightstand, and saw Kyujin behind her.
“Kyujin-ah, you scared me! What’s up?” Jiwoo said, giggling at the younger member. When she saw that Kyujin had a.. Worried..? Expression.. Jiwoo moved to close the door, gesturing for Kyujin to sit down.
Kyujin sat down on Jiwoo’s bed, Jiwoo next to her.
“Lily kissed my cheek.”
“What? Really??” Jiwoo expressed excitedly. “That’s really sweet of her!”
“Well.. She noticed that I’ve been saying ‘noona’ instead of ‘unnie.’ I didn’t think anyone realized it. But she did..”
“Ohh, right. I noticed it too, Kkyu. I didn’t want to mention it or put pressure on you though. But I support you, okay?”
Kyujin nodded, “Thank you, Jjyu-ah.. It’s just.. I guess I’m probably.. Not exactly a girl. But it’s not something I can do anything about, not when I’m a k-pop idol.” She sighed.
Jiwoo hugged the younger idol, “I’m sorry, Kyujin.. I’m always here for you, okay? If you ever need to talk about that, or anything else. I support you. And hey, you can still affirm your gender identity without actually transitioning, you know. I could help you with that.”
“Really?” Kyujin hugged Jiwoo back momentarily, pulling away from the hug as Jiwoo spoke again.
“Of course. I have a lot of baggy, masculine clothes. You can wear anything you want if it’ll help. Plus, I’m sure you could get a chest binder if that’s something you’d like.” Jiwoo reassured the younger member.
Kyujin smiled, “Okay, thank you.. Umm, noona..”
“Any time, Jinkyu oppa~” Jiwoo teased, giggling.
Kyujin laughed too, “Ah well.. I’m not going to worry too much about the whole um, gender.. thing.. But, after we get back from promotions, maybe I can think about it again.”
Jiwoo nodded, “Okay. Did you maybe want to talk about your crush?” She teased, smiling.
Kyujin hesitated, nodding. “Kinda.. I mean, I know we can’t.. Date.. But, I just.. I really like Lily. I don’t know how long I can hide it, honestly.” She sighed. “Maybe being in America will be a good distraction..”
“Maybe, orrr you could just tell Lily how you feel..?”
“No, Jiwoo, that’s a bad idea.”
“Are you sure? I mean, we do know other idols that are in the same group and are dating..”
Kyujin forgot about that. Not that it mattered anyway. Why would Lily like her? I mean, first of all, they’re about three and half years apart in age. Why would Lily like someone that much younger than her..? Plus, Lily focuses on her career too much to consider dating, right..? Kyujin responded, “I.. I guess you’re right. But look, we have to focus on promotions right now anyway, noona.. We can come back to this whole discussion next week.”
Jiwoo sighed, “Fineee, do you want to talk about anything else, or just hang out maybe?”
Well, it was already 9pm and the members had to leave for the airport at 5am the next morning.
Kyujin yawned, questioning what she wanted to do. “We should probably go to sleep soon.. Can I sleep here, noona?”
Jiwoo nodded, “Of course, Kyujin-ah. Do you want to watch something, or are you too tired..?”
“Hmm.. Can we watch our music show performances..?”
“What, because you want to look at your Lily noona?” Jiwoo teases, giggling.
Kyujin laughs, “Shut upppp, Jjyu-ah! No I don’t..!”
…
Unbenounced to the two youngest members, Lily, who had gotten up to get water, passed Jiwoo’s room and heard the two laughing. For some weird reason, she could feel a pang of.. Jealousy? No, that’s.. That’s not right. Right..?
Lily ignored it, brushing it off as.. Just nothing. She was probably just tired, and nervous for the trip. I mean, the members had to leave for the airport early in the morning, meaning that they’d have to deal with hundreds of fans trying to talk to them and record them. Whatever, she figured she just needed to sleep.
…
Kyujin and Jiwoo ended up cuddling as they slept, not intentionally, but it was normal for them. Jiwoo liked physical touch, and she could be quite affectionate with the maknae. Due to the two of them only being a year apart in age, they were very close, so them spending time together like this was normal.
Kyujin woke up first, checking her phone.
November 3rd, 2026. 4:03am.
The promotions started on Friday. The group was performing a small fan-meet on Friday night, and they had a fan sign event at HELLO82 in Times Square on Saturday. They’d be arriving in New York City with two days before promotions began. The first day, the members were allowed to spend time in the city. The second was for rehearsals. The members didn’t know about the airplane seating arrangement or the hotel room assignments yet, and honestly, Kyujin hoped she wouldn’t be with Lily. She didn’t want to spend too much time with her, it’d be harder to ignore her feelings.
…
Yoona and Haewon were both awake, already in the kitchen. They didn’t really speak to each other. It’s been that way for a while. Why exactly? No one really knows.
Jinsol came next, then Lily followed. Kyujin was awake, but Jiwoo’s arm was wrapped around her, so she didn’t bother getting up yet. The members still had over an hour until they had to leave for the airport anyway.
“Are Kyujin and Jiwoo awake yet?” Haewon asked, as she drank coffee.
“I don’t know, want me to check on Jiwoo?” Jinsol asked.
“Aww, Jinsol-ah! You want to check on your girlfrienddd~~?” Lily said, smiling, practically ready to leap into the air with excitement.
Jinsol laughed, “She isn’t my girlfriend, Park Jin..”
“Okay, if you say so.. Anyway, you should probably wake her up. Who’s gonna check on our Kyujin-ah?” Lily asked, looking at Yoona and Haewon.
Yoona just stared at Lily, and Haewon gestured towards the hallway, in an attempt to get Lily to check on Kyujin. Haewon saw the kissing-thing yesterday too, but she didn’t want to get too involved.
“Okay, I’ll check on her then” Lily said, turning around. Just then, Kyujin opened Jiwoo’s door from the inside, met with Jinsol in front of her.
Lily froze mid-step. Kyujin was in Jiwoo’s room?
She felt that same weird, stupid feeling. Why was Kyujin in Jiwoo’s room? What happened yesterday? Did they talk? Did they cuddle, maybe? What else did they do?
Kyujin moved aside for Jinsol to go see Jiwoo. Just then, she looked at Lily, who was already staring at her, with a weird expression. The second Kyujin’s eyes met Lily’s, Lily looked away.
“Ah, Sullyoon-ah, what were we talking about?” Lily said, quickly turning to Yoona.
“Lily, just call me Yoona. We aren’t working right now, unnie.” She said, confused about the whole situation unfolding.
Lily and Yoona continued talking, and Haewon walked over to Kyujin, gesturing for her to follow her. They ended up in Kyujin’s room, probably a good thing since Kyujin should finish packing. Haewon sat on Kyujin’s bed after closing the door. “What’s up with you and Lily?” She questioned the youngest member. “Uhh, nothing?” Kyujin said, as she grabbed her airpods case. “Kyujin, she stared at you when you came out of Jiwoo’s room and then called Yoona by her stage name like we’re filming or something. That’s weird, even for Lily standards.” Haewon said, looking at Kyujin’s room. She held onto the Lilangi plush which was on Kyujin’s bed, waiting for Kyujin to notice.
Kyujin did have all of the member’s MIXXFFY plushes, to be fair. But, only Lilangi and Kkyu-nyang were on Kyujin’s bed, which made Haewon more suspicious. Kyujin responded, “I guess? Maybe she’s just tired and that’s why. Like, half-asleep, you know? It’s 4am, Haewon-ah.” Haewon hummed in response, and Kyujin turned around to grab her phone charger, seeing Haewon hold the Lilangi plush. “And you specifically have her plush here, why, Kyujin-ah?” Haewon questioned. Kyujin blushed, grabbing the plush, “No reason, Haewon..! I guess I accidentally put it on my bed..?”
Haewon sighed, “Fine, I won’t pry any more. But look, you can talk to me, okay? If something is going on with you and Lily or not, you can always talk to me.” Haewon knew that Kyujin was a lot like her. She didn’t want Kyujin to bottle things up or be too hard on herself about whatever was going on.
Kyujin nodded, “Thank you, Haewon.. unnie..” Haewon stood up, “It’s no problem, Kyujin. Do you need help packing?” Kyujin shook her head, “No, I just have to put a few more things in my bag and get dressed, that’s all.” Haewon moved towards the door, opening it, “Alright, just.. Please talk to me if you need to, I know you like to take care of everyone, but you need support too sometimes, Kyujin-ah.” Kyujin smiled and nodded, “I know.”
…
With Haewon back in the kitchen, she saw Jinsol and Jiwoo on the couch together, they both had their bags packed. Yoona wasn’t there, probably in her room. Same with Lily. Haewon wanted to find Lily and question her like she did with Kyujin. As the leader, it was her job to intervene when the members were acting like this. It isn’t normal for Lily to be so weird about Kyujin leaving Jiwoo’s room, but Haewon figured she knew what was going on.
Haewon approached Lily’s door, the door was cracked, and she knocked lightly twice. Lily turned around, “Oh, come in Haewon-ah!” As Haewon came in, she saw Lily packing her bag like normal. She closed the door behind her, then sat on Lily’s bed. “What’s up with you and Kyujin?” Haewon asked.
Lily felt a chill go down her spine, as she couldn’t quite place what she felt, what was happening.
“Uhh, nothing..? Why?” She said, looking in the other direction instead of at Haewon, which was unusual as Lily typically maintained eye contact in conversations.
“Lily, you were acting really weird when Kyujin came out of Jiwoo’s room. I noticed. I notice when any of you are acting.. Off.” Haewon expressed. Lily turned around, sighing. “I don’t know, Haewon. It’s not that anything is going on.. I’m just.. Confused, I guess.” Haewon nodded, “Confused how?” Lily recalled the two times she felt.. Well, jealous. She didn’t want to believe that herself, or say it. But it was jealousy, realistically. “I just.. Had a weird feeling when I realized that Kyujin and Jiwoo spent the night together.” Lily admitted, not exactly painting the full picture of the situation, but she figured Haewon would catch on anyway.
“A.. weird feeling..?”
“Yeah, like..” Lily sighed, “Like.. In my heart, maybe? I just wondered why Kyujin slept in Jiwoo’s room. And what they did. Maybe they like, cuddled, you know?”
“Mhm, but why does that bother you, Lily?”
“No reason..?” Lily said, unconvincingly. She started grabbing random stuff to seem busy.
“Look, Lily, I won’t press you about it anymore, but you can, and you should talk to me, or anyone else for that matter if you need to.”
Lily crossed the room and hugged Haewon. “I know, Haewon. I just.. Can’t really deal with whatever I might be feeling, not during promotions. I mean, not at all as an idol, really..”
“Well, like I said, I’m here if you need to talk or figure things out, okay?”
Lily nodded, pulling away. “Thank you, Haewon-ah.”
…
The members finished getting ready. Lily wanted to try a hairstyle she hasn’t done in a while. Usually, she always had her bangs styled the same way. But today, she had them pushed to the side, showing her forehead more. She also recently dyed her hair brown, and she hadn’t done a look without full bangs in a long time. She wanted to give the fans new pictures with her forehead showing, since NSWERs online talk about “#freetheforehead” quite often. As she finished her makeup and outfit, she grabbed her bag and stepped out into the living room.
Not only was her hairstyle different, her outfit was a bit different too. Since the comeback was vampire themed, Lily wore a dark red shirt with a leather jacket. She wore a black skirt, it was on the shorter side and had multiple details in dark red.
Kyujin was staring at Lily, who just entered the shared space. She really liked Lily’s whole look. Lily noticed. She smiled at Kyujin, to Kyujin’s surprise. Quickly, Lily directed her attention to all of the members. “Soo, what do you guys think? I tried something kinda different!” Jinsol spoke first, “Lily unnie! Your forehead??” Lily laughed, “Yeah, is that really that surprising?”
Kyujin kept staring at Lily. Jiwoo noticed. Luckily, the rest of the members kept complimenting Lily, as she tried a hairstyle she’s only done once, they wanted to reassure her that it looked good. “Why don’t you tell her that she looks good, Kyujin-ah?” Jiwoo whispered, smiling. Kyujin looked at Jiwoo, then at Lily. How would she be able to compliment Lily like normal? She really liked Lily’s entire look. To the point where she wasn’t sure she could function properly due to all the thoughts running through her mind.
The manager called Haewon to let the members know that the company van would arrive in a few minutes. The members made their way outside, Kyujin left last, Lily right in front of her. Trying to get her mind straight, she instead tried to think about the trip. What could the members do on their day off in America? Kyujin already looked up possible things to do, and she wanted to go to a museum, although she wasn’t sure if anyone else would go with her. She figured shopping could be fun too, and there’s multiple malls.
The members got in to the company van a moment later. Great, this was just Kyujin’s luck, she was right next to Lily. She didn’t want to seem too weird, so she spoke softly to Lily. “You look really good by the way, noona..” Kyujin said, fidgeting with her own hands. Lily looked down at Kyujin’s hands then at Kyujin’s face, “Thank you, handsome~~ You look great too, Kyujin-ah.”
Kyujin smiled, blushing. “Handsome?” She asked softly, “Ah, just.. Thank you, noona..” Lily smiled back, speaking quietly once again, “I just figured you’d like that compliment. I mean it, Kyujin-ah.” Kyujin smiled, but noticed that Lily’s hair got a bit messed up getting in to the van. Kyujin leaned over and fixed Lily’s hair for her, as Lily looked into Kyujin’s eyes. Kyujin hadn’t been doing her whole ‘mom of the group’ duties when it came to Lily since she started to realized her feelings for her, but she couldn’t help it. Lily’s heart raced, and she couldn’t quite understand why. “Thank you sweetieee~~” Lily beamed, trying her best to ignore how fast her heart was beating. “You’re welcome, noona.” Kyujin said.
The two of them were both flustered, and ended up going on their phones to distract themselves. Unfortunately for Kyujin, she ended up seeing shipping posts on twitter.
She closed that app right away.
But people have been shipping her and Lily more.
Why? Did they notice too? Was it because of the amount of time the two spent together lately?
Whatever it was, Kyujin just wanted to ignore it. To ignore her feelings. She also has the whole gender crisis thing to worry about, which some fans online also caught on to. So, staring outside the window it is!
…
As the members arrived to the airport, they prepared themselves for the inevitable— the fans waiting to take pictures and give them fan letters.
Normally, it wasn’t a big deal. But with everything else on Kyujin’s mind, she was already overwhelmed.
The members stepped outside of the company van, one at a time.
The lined up to cross the street, tons of photos and videos already being taken of them.
Kyujin was next to Jiwoo, luckily. She could always rely on Jiwoo if anything happened.
As they made their way across the street, they were already being swarmed by people.
Their managers and staff were around them, luckily.
They entered the airport, where idols are typically swarmed the most. The cameras shoved in their faces, fans screaming, fans trying to give letters.. It was part of the job, of course, just.. A bit much today.
To be fair, it was often too much. Some “fans” end up being pushy and trying to get close to idols.
And that’s exactly what happened.
Before she could even process what was happening, a fan rushed over to Kyujin, grabbing her arm and trying to give her a letter. She had to keep walking, but felt like she was going to freeze up. I mean, somebody she doesn’t know just grabbed her. Jiwoo tugged on Kyujin’s sleeve to help Kyujin get away from the crowd, Jiwoo swapping places with her.
Lily was next to Kyujin now. Lily looked over at her with concern, and to Kyujin’s surprise, Lily was holding her hand out.
Kyujin held Lily’s hand.
But why did Lily do that? She isn’t a fan of physical touch. She didn’t have to do that. She didn’t have to do anything, really.
…
After the group got through security, they waited for their flight.
Lily went with the other members towards a shop near their gate, as she wanted to look at the books. Kyujin stayed behind. Too much was on her mind.
Her whole gender crisis.
Promotions.
The “fan” that grabbed her, although that was the least of her worries.
Her stupid crush on her noona.
Whatever.
Jiwoo turned around as she saw Kyujin wasn’t coming with everyone else, and she stayed with Kyujin.
Kyujin figured that planning out what to do on her off days would help distract her for now. There was one day before promotions and one after. I mean, there’s so much you can do in New York City, so Kyujin wanted to choose the best things she could.
Jiwoo spoke up after looking at Kyujin writing in her notes app. “Soo, what’s that?”
“Hmm? Oh, just.. Wanted to plan out in advance what I’d be doing on our off days. I just saw the American Museum of Natural History, I thought it’d be worth going to, so I was going to write down details about it.”
“Ohh, are you going alone, Kyujin-ah?”
Kyujin turned to Jiwoo, shrugging. “I mean, I don’t have to, I’m just not sure if anyone else wants to go. Are you planning on anything?”
Jiwoo hummed whilst thinking, “Uhh. nope. I’ll probably just hang out with Jinsol, but I don’t know what she wants to do. But hey, why don’t you see if Lily wants to go to the museum with you? Like, a date!”
“What?? You want me to ask Lily on a date???”
“Yeah? Why not?”
“Uhh, because she’s going to say no??”
“You don’t know that, Kyujin-ah!”
“No, I do know that, Jiwoo. She probably just sees me as her dongsaeng, she’d never go on a date with me.” Kyujin sighed, leaning back in the uncomfortable chair. “Even then, she cares too much about her career. She wouldn’t go on a date with anyone. Especially not me.”
Just then, a message played through the speakers, “Good morning ladies and gentlemen, flight 222 with service to New York City will begin boarding momentarily. Please ensure you have your boarding pass and personal belongings ready.”
…