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The plane had landed 20 minutes ago. Yoru and Asa were exploring the mall.
It was pretty crowded with tourists and Americans walking around to do whatever, like travel, eat, and urine. Whatever humans do.
In the distance, they saw a McDonald’s lined along other shops.
“I want McDonald’s”, Yoru absentmindedly mumbled.
“No, it’s unhealthy”, Asa protested, “I need to save my yen”
“You wouldn’t get it, Asa.” – Yoru smiled – “It’s the premium American experience. It would make anyone a true American” - she made her way to the restaurant.
“Im still not letting you!”, Asa phased through Yoru. Her hallucination stopped in front of her.
Yoru just walked through like she never existed.
When she stepped into the entrance, she noticed something wrong.
She couldn't hear her footsteps anymore.
She turned back and looked down
And saw a cute little black kitty sitting, who innocently looked up at Yoru with her massive glistening blue eyes with black dilated boba tea pupils.
Yoru curled her lips down, “no, Asa…”
Asa’s enormous glossy eyes blinked, and meowed.
“don't do this to me…”
“mew… mew… mew!”, Asa’s stupid little baby eyes began to water
“NO, ASA, DON’T!”
“Mewww!!!!”, water now leaked out of Asa eyes, staining her fur.
Her paw pointed towards a subway, “MEW!!”
Yoru fell to her knees, “YOU FOOL!”.
And just like that, the great horseman of war was tamed, by freaking cute cat, who could not “meow” properly.
Very pathetic, she would have preferred to be cooked by that falling devil. Now she’s curious how she tasted…
She stood up and slouched, “fine, I will get us subway”
“Mew!!!”, Kitty Asa happily jumped up and down, while she repeatedly flickered her tail.
Everything was normal and boring.
They sat at a two seated table with their ordered water, sandwich, salad, and chocolate bar on the table.
Yoru frowned at Asa, who seat across her, as she chewed on the sandwich.
They could hear the mumblings of these around them, such as one talking about chipotle giving them diarrhoea at 3 am last night.
Yoru grabbed the chocolate and stuffed it into her mouth.
Her teeth pressed onto it so hard Asa thought it would crack.
The chocolate snapped and tasted like chalk.
Asa’s hallucination gagged, trying to cough it out, “Yoru, what the fuck did you order?”
“The chocolate D ration. It’s invented during war world 2.”
“No one wants to eat this crap!”.
Yoru cracked another piece. Asa bent over and coughed while covering her mouth.
Yoru swallowed, “That’s the point, it’s emergency food.”
“This is subway, not a trench!”
“Humans love war”, Yoru continued to masochistly munch on this rock of a chocolate like some kid eating candy.
The cameras clicked and flashed. Photographers gathered around the stadium. Helicopters, with cinematographer, surrounded the white house.
Yoru was here to meet the president.
Yoru warped her right arm around trump’s shoulder. She pointed the fuck-you middle finger at the cameras and gleefully smiled. Trump crouched a bit down and smiled.
They kissed for the picture.
Reporters screamed, “Oh my god, He’s a pedophile!”
“QUICK, WE NEED THE CLICKS”. They profusely flashed the cameras.
“THESE VIDEOS WOULD GO VIRAL!”, another screamed.
“I CAN FINALLY PAY OFF MY RENT!”
Yoru has no idea what they are talking about, “What is a pedophile?”
Asa, her trusty human culture dictionary, recites the wiki like she got possessed by a nerd, “Pedophilia (alternatively spelled paedophilia) is a psychiatric disorder in which an adult or older adolescent experiences a primary or exclusive sexual attraction to prepubescent children.”
“But I’m 3676 years old.”
“Trump is a victim!”, another in the mob of paparazzi cancelled her, “She tricked him!”
“Tell us your skin care routine!”
Trump weeped like a girl.
Yoru yapped, “And all because chainsaw man gave me a concussion, I can't even access my memories”, she frowned, “They have a lifespan of 69 years.”
The crowd sighed awwww in disappointment, “That's an acceptable age”.
The flashes were gone.
She continued on her grandma life story, “I technically died 16 years ago.”
“So, you are not 3676, you are 16 years old”, Asa corrects.
“HOLY SHIT, SHE’S 16!!!!”, the cameras flashed like crazy again.
Trump gets arrested and locked in a police van.
The van drove away and Trump weeped as he held onto the bars, “I was promised a lamborghini”.
Yoru curled her lips down, disappointed her potential new contract business opportunity was gone. Her half-closed eyes stared into the distance.
“What's that smell?” Someone in the crowd complained, grabbing their nose.
Everyone sniffed. It smelt like someone just came out of their bedroom and had never showered for 3 years. Their green Chernobyl aura was polluting the air.
Yoru squinted her eyes, focusing on a figure in the mob, “Is that… the pedophile devil?”
TRUMP IS BACK, BABYYYYY.
He bribed his way out because he owns the system and is damn rich.
He made some bizarre hand gesture.
Asa sighed.
Yoru got pissed, “Go take a shower”. She performed a backflipped, flew over the crowd, and kicked his head.
The ground cracked and a UFC arena erupted from the depths of hell.
Trump laid face planted on the floor.
A referee ran over, counting down. Yoru proudly perched on him like a damn confident angry owl who just caught mouse.
“THREE, TWO, ONE. YORU WINS!”, the referee announced. The crowd blasted into cheers.
The Epstein Island exploded. The unredacted files rained down on the rally like confetti. People marvelled at the raining files like raining snow.
“It’s just like graduation!”, some ungraduated kid extended his hand to catch the files.
“This doesn't even follow physics”, Asa is the only sane human here.
The buildings with big tv screens attached to them displayed Yoru placing her hand on her chest and bowing professionally, with her other arm raised up. International news loves her.
“Wait, don't we need a new president?”
Confetti washed all over Yoru, and the tv screens beeped new president over Yoru’s image.
Asa scratched her head, “Aren't we Japanese citizens?...”
A big, blue, bulky devil walked into her office. He had the American star on his chest, with the captain America shield sitting on his head. His big defined male boobs and glutes jiggled with every step.
“Welcome to my office, America devil”, Yoru, who was sitting at her president chair, smiled.
He walked over to her desk, reaching for her hand to shake it.
“I am the CEO of Lockheed Martin Corporation, I came here to strike a deal.”
“Shoot.”
American devil’s mouth got close to her left ear. He blocked the escaped sounds with his right hand.
“I want you to fund a war”
Yoru thought about it for 5 seconds and signed the papers.
Asa's shoulders lumped, and she exhaled a sigh of disappointment.
“Sure, I will arrange for a football match between China and America”
The hunching Asa stared at Yoru in confusion, “You are funding a war with ticket sales?”
Asa sat on the bench and continued hunching. Yoru had forced them to wear the America jersey, which she spent tax payees' money to buy.
“USA! USA! USA!”, the whole crowd cheered, including Yoru, who was waving a handheld American flag aggressively on both hands like a child.
The American striker dashed towards the goal. An attacker swept in, and he kicked the ball a bit too urgently.
The defender intercepted the shot and kicked it to the opposite goal.
China won.
The Americans were defeated and swore God’s name. One fan even threw popcorn onto the bench angrily.
Yoru jumped to her feet, “I LOVE YOU, CHINA!”
A sweat dripped down Asa’s confused face, “Yoru, since when did you support China?”
“War is War”
America’s butt jiggled, and shook the stadium with every step, as he stomped his way down to Yoru from the higher level he sat at.
Yoru flickered her imaginary cat tail at his presence.
“You are banned from Lockheed Martin”, his voice harshened, “You cannot have my onlyfans now.”
“NOOOOOOOOO”, Yoru cried and started twerking on the dirty ass floor to cope.
Asa rolled her eyes and got up with their body and walked to the exit, leaving Yoru twerking alone.
Asa walked through the football stadium exit.
While mentally mapping out the route from the stadium to the white house, she glanced to her left.
And saw several men cosplaying as Japanese anime horsegirls, standing on all fours, parked on the ground.
“What the hell?..”
“Larp!” They squeaked like a Pokemon. One even kicked their leg up.
Asa cautiously looked at the juice box that she was holding onto in her right hand. “Did I get spiked?”
She discarded the drink on the nearby black trash bin.
A shadow slammed into her and sent a shock up her body.
Yoru had hijacked her and grabbed a cowboy hat out from the bottom of her skirt. She put on her hat and bit down onto a wheat stick.
Yoru spoke in a very forced and exaggerated cowboy accent, “Watch and learn Asa. You will see how a REAL American rides”
Yoru settled comfortably onto the nearest “horse”
“Taxes”, she calmly ordered.
The cosplayer refused to move.
“This will be your first demonstration of how to tame a horse, Asa”
Yoru whipped out a belt and spanked the NEET. “MOVE BITCH, MOVE”
“LARP!!!” The femboy horse jumped
She spanked again, “BRING ME TO TEXAS, BITCH”
The femboy moaned and galloped his way to Texas.
They zoomed past the cars, blurring the view into one white streak.
The wind brushed through her glorious, asian, black hair as the city slowly disappeared behind them.
She closed her eyes and leaned her head back, taking in the natural beauty of the wilderness.
She took off her hat and held onto it with one hand, and extended her arms out like she’s Rose DeWitt Bukater in the Titanic.
Asa wrapped around her torso, reluctantly playing the role of her Jack Dawson.
“Ahh… just like the good old times”, Yoru mumbled cowboy-ly while biting on her wheat stick.
“Oh, hey daughter!” Her father, Apocalypse, who just came out of the milk store after 769 years, greeted her.
She ran him over.
The horse tripped. He flew over her daddy, knocking Yoru off his back.
Yoru hit the ground and slammed her head on a rock.
Her head began to bleed as she just laid there motionless.
Their head throbbed.
Asa’s hallucination got off the ground and ran towards Yoru, “Yoru, are you okay?”, she crouched down to examine her.
Her body, still laying, lifted her head from the ground. A trail of blood dripped down her forehead.
“I remember everything now, Asa…”
“Huh?”
“I remember the cavemen, the greeks, Napoleon writing a letter to his Italian wife about how he likes the smell of her unwashed aroma”
“What?”
“Negative times negative equals positive, Asa”, Yoru explained. “I got another concussion.”
“No, not that. Why were you in his bedroom?”
“He couldn't write”
Asa squinted her eyes, “He literally was a bookworm”
“They lied”
Asa bought up her index finger to do the nerd gesture.
Then she explained how historians actually reconstructed historical events, how primary sources work, and why Yoru couldn't just invent new historical events because she apparently decided they were true.
Yoru fell asleep immediately.
Her head falls back on the rock, and she literally dies from boredom.
Yoru sat at her office’s chair
She was called in because apparently, they had important work for her.
She was excited. So excited in fact even Asa felt her excitement through their shared mind.
They dump a bunch of files on her desk, so many files that it stacked up to three sets of towers.
“You have to read all of this and sign them”
All of the excitement was gone from her face, and her lips curled down as she glared at them like nikki from obsession.
She relinquished control of their body back to Asa.
“Hey! You’re the one who got us elected.”
“Don't care, you handle the paperwork. You’re my assistant now.”
Asa grumbled. She took one from a stack and flipped to a page. Just as she was about to grab her pen, she realized something, “Wait, I have finals…”
An airplane blasted through the sky, and a whole crew of Japanese governments rushed towards her office, kicking down every door in the way.
They then took away the paper she was tasked to sign, and replaced it with the papers of her science, math, English, Japanese whatever 5 other classes a teenager could possibly attend to.
They used a comically large hammer and nailed a fucking digital clock onto the wall, leaving a circular dent.
“When it hits 13:20, you may begin”, someone with a megaphone announced next to her ears.
Asa’s sweat dripped down her face. Her sweaty palms clenched her pen so hard it could break.
13:19…
“BEGIN!”
Asa quickly flipped the papers as if she was in a fucking race and escaping someone pointing a gun at her just 1 meter away.
Helicopters with camera operators surrounded the white house. The whole media went crazy, “FIRST PRESIDENT IN HISTORY TO DO THEIR EXAM. WAS ELECTING A HIGH SCHOOLER A MISTAKE?”
The politicians went on a frenzy, debating about the situation for hours and somehow accomplishing nothing.
Conspiracy theorists on twitter say this is a distraction from the housing crisis, and there’s a shadow government.
“Asa, I just bought the ultra racist 5000 eye upgrade!”, Yoru grinned from ear to ear as if she just bought an iPhone, totally paid with taxpayers’ money. “Now, I can detect skin and genetic differences with 0.0005% sensitivity”
“Yoru, what the fuck? Can you stop spending the salary of taxpayers on useless junk?”
Yoru pouted and crossed her arms, “It's not useless, look.” Her eyeballs emitted a red laser grid and scanned Asa’s ghostly manifestation.
“You are Chinese!” Yoru pridefully points at Asa.
“What? No? I am not.”
“Your father is Chinese and your mother was half Chinese”
Asa cried, tears streaming down her face, “我的整个血统都是骗局吗？(Was my entire bloodline a fraud?) “
“是的，现在我要把你遣返回中国。 (Yes, I will now deport you to china.)”
A generic Caucasian hand appeared out of some slit in space, delivering a red button labeled “deport everyone to place of origin”
Yoru pressed it.
Yoru and Asa, Americans, and the entire human population got flung into Africa.
“我们为什么会在非洲？（Why are we in Africa?）”
The button beeped and reconciled, rectifying a technical error.
Everyone was held up by an invisible hand into the sky.
They were all thrown into the ocean.
“朝，你的曾祖父母是鱼吗？（Asa, your great grandparents were fish?）”