Archive of Our Own

Shadow Milk would say he was happy, but that would be a lie.

He is very much content with his new life. Spending his days doing whatever he wanted in the walls inside of the Vanilla Kingdom, having the freedom to go wherever, being able to work on his own projects… It was all enjoyable.

But it wasn’t happiness. He never felt the feeling. He knew what it was, he knew how to spot it in other people, he knew the science behind it. Yet he’s never experienced it for himself.

He certainly didn’t when he was the Fount of Knowledge. Before losing his mind, most of the emotions he experienced ranged from calm to mild annoyance.

The closest he ever got to the feeling was when Pure Vanilla had fallen. The moment in which that silly little healer had offered himself to Shadow Milk on a silver platter. The moment he said he belonged together.

Man, had Shadow Milk fallen for it. He wanted it. He wanted it so badly. He wanted Pure Vanilla and he wasn’t ashamed to admit it.

The idea put into his head of ruling over everyone with his other half by his side had been the most appealing thought he had had in ages. But alas, that feeling was short lived.

The small droplet of happiness had vanished, leaving behind nothing but betrayal and anger brewing in him the moment he saw those white robes wrapped around that disgusting bright soul jam of his.

And now he was here, sitting in his room. He had taken that same hand he had once cursed in his dreams. He still doesn’t fully know why he had, but he did it.

The feeling never came back. Not the amount he had felt that day. But what he was feeling now was pretty damn close. Whenever that wretched healer was close enough to him, the feeling would return to him.

First it was small amounts. A distant thought or two whenever the blonde would pat him on the shoulder or rub his back or hold his hand.

A brief thing. Something he could miss if he wasn’t paying attention (even though he always noticed. His brain zeroed in on them every time).

Then they amped up. He started looking at him more than he wanted to. He observed him more closely. He started noticing his habits.

The way his brows furrowed when he was focused, how he lightly traced over words in a book, expecting them to be in braille, and the way his eyes widened when he realized he was wrong.

Shadow Milk always knew when he had grabbed the wrong book. Yet, the buttery chuckle that would escape him as he slowly shook his head, seemingly shocked at how silly he could be was enough of reward for the beast to shut his mouth and let the mistake happen.

He noticed how he smiled at him. He had differences in them. One reserved for people he ‘tolerated’, one for his closest friends, and one for Shadow Milk…

That one was different from the others. He could tell. The crinkles under his eyes curved more. He showed more teeth. His eyes opened, letting Shadow Milk see his beady two tones eyes looking up at him in that sweet stare of his.

That, out of all things, was what brought the feeling back the most. He assumed this all sprung from his deeper want to go back to the way things were.

Despite having changed his ways, he still desired for a world where Pure Vanilla had stayed by his side then. He missed how perfect he was. He wondered how it would be if they had ruled over everything together.

If they had just stuck together, spreading deceit as far as the eye could see, would Shadow Milk have felt true happiness then? The obvious answer—yes—entered his thoughts every time.

Being in a world where he was stuck with Pure Vanilla forever was a wonderful thought. He clung to it desperately during the hard days. It was one of things keeping him going along with this whole ‘redemption’ thing, even if it was now impossible.

He’ll find a way to make Pure Vanilla his once again.

A knock on his door echoed throughout the room. His head snapped over to the noise, immediately put on edge.

“Shadow Milk? Are you in there?” A voice called out from the other side.

The beast instantly calmed. It was just the very topic of his current thoughts. And no one else. Good.

He climbed out of bed before opening the door. A small pulse hit his chest when he looked down at Pure Vanilla. The latter was smiling up at him like usual.

His hair was in a simple braid with yellow and blue flowers tied into it. A white ribbon was tied at the end into a neat little bow.

He was in a toned down version of his robes, making him look much less grant than usual. His hat was replaced with a sun hat and he held a picnic basket in hand.

Shadow Milk’s grip on the door frame tightened, his claws digging into in the wood. Pure Vanilla didn’t seem to notice, continuing to smile up at him.

“Ah, hello Shadow Milk! Are you busy today?” The ancient questioned, tilting his head to the side.

“Why are you asking?”

“I wanted to know if you wanted to have a picnic with me.” Pure Vanilla lifted up his basket to show to the other. “The sun will be setting soon and I found this wonderful trail to hike.”

Shadow Milk observed him more closely. His cheeks were rosy, the color beginning to spread across his face. His hands lightly shook, his gaze constantly shifting from Shadow Milk to the floor.

His smile, while still warm, had turned shy. No teeth were being flashed whatsoever. He looked nervous. Shadow Milk had hardly seen him be nervous around the beast before.

He could hardly take a breath in and he was wearing that hair clip Shadow Milk had made him to help him see when he mentioned his staff was too much of a hassle and—

His body moved before he could process it. He gripped Pure Vanilla’s wrist and stepped closer, towering over him. “No.”

Pure Vanilla blinked, tilting his head in confusion. “No?”

“You can’t go out.”

“…Do I look bad? I didn’t think—” Pure Vanilla cut himself off when Shadow Milk’s eyes went wide and animalistic.

“You look domestic.”

Pure Vanilla chuckled at that. “Domestic?”

He scoffed, rolling his eyes. “You know what I mean. You know what you’re doing being dressed like that. You look like you just rolled out of bed before playing in a flower field.”

“And that’s bad because…?”

“You look all calm and sweet and serene. It’s pissing me off.”

The blonde blinked, still a little taken aback, before he cleared this throat. “Well, I didn’t want to wear my usual robes. They can get heavy at times and that’s not well suited for what we’re about to—”

“This is what you wear behind closed doors.”

“I guess you could say that. I don’t usually dress this casually when going out.”

His hold on his wrist tightened. “Then shouldn’t only I get to see you like this?”

Pure Vanilla’s eyes widened at the implications. He opened his mouth to argue yet Shadow Milk kept on talking. “You think you’re cute flaunting yourself in your bed clothes in front of all those low lives? Witches, be serious, Nilla.”

“They’re not…”

“You’re not going out like this.”

His breath was heavy now, blowing into Pure Vanilla’s face. The latter shook in his grasp, a shiver traveling down his spine. Shadow Milk was unblinking, the eyes in his hair wide, the pupils turning squiggly.

The feeling inside began to bubble and rise up, turning into something uglier, something more dangerous. The mere thought of letting other people see Pure Vanilla like this was pissing him off.

Thinking of all the compliments he’d receive, thinking of the way he’d smile so sweetly at them. The fact he gave them the time of day was ridiculous. It was disgusting. Why would he even bother with them?

Pure Vanilla started up at him in shock, the color on his cheeks beginning to twist into something deeper. “You… You can’t just—”

“Can’t what?”

The blonde was forced into silence, a clear contrast from how he used to be. Before he got all nervous with Shadow Milk, he was able to stand up to him.

He could put his foot down, tell him when to knock it off, give out punishments… Now, it took a little more effort for him to actually snap. The noticeable fondness he had developed for the beast was obvious.

At least them becoming friends let him get away with more stuff, and seeing the ancient squirm was always hilarious.

“…Well, if we can’t go into town, where do you suggest we go?” He finally spoke, a slight pout of frustration appearing on his face.

The beast’s lips curled into a smile. He pressed a finger in between the ancient’s furrowed brows. “Hm. I think I know just the spot.”

His hands moved to Pure Vanilla’s waist. He picked him up as if he weighed nothing and threw him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. He grinned hearing Pure Vanilla’s shocked gasp as he scrambled to hold onto Shadow Milk’s back.

Opening one of his portals, he slipped through it, ignoring Pure Vanilla’s shouts of confusion as he frantically tapped on the beast’s back. The travel through his other realm was second nature for Shadow Milk.

Yet, it was famously disorienting for Pure Vanilla. Back when he had first invited Shadow Milk to his home, every time he was dragged through the other realm, he became nauseous. On various occasions, he even threw up.

While hilarious, getting vomit in his hair was enough to sour Shadow Milk’s mood on the spot. But, through forced exposure therapy, Pure Vanilla had grown to handle it. That didn’t mean he was particularly happy about being forced through one…

Shadow Milk flew through the other realm, smirking as Pure Vanilla shivered due to the temperature drop. They popped out of the other side almost as quickly as they went through.

He landed on his feet with ease. Pure Vanilla flopped face first onto the ground, dropping the picnic basket in the process, some of its contents spilling out.

“Here we are!~” Shadow Milk sung, gesturing his arms to the surrounding area around him.

He let out a groan as he shakily planted his hands onto the grass beneath him, slowly picking himself up. “Ugh, Shadow Milk… Didn’t I tell you to warn me before—” He paused. Grass?

He looked around him, the magic infused hair clip helping with his sight. They were in a valley between two grassy mountains. A crystal blue river flowed through the middle, only a few yards from which Pure Vanilla landed.

There were flowers of every hue sprinkled around and sturdy rocks near the edges of the river. The light splashes of water hitting earth could be heard, as well as the soft chirping of birds in the distance, adding to the atmosphere.

A warm breeze filled the air, sweeping his hair up with it. It filled his lungs, the crisp spring air filling him with a sense of peace.

It was beautiful. Much beautiful than the spot Pure Vanilla had found. He stared at awe of the scenery in front of him, completely captured by it.

Everything looked perfect, strangely so. The assortments looked as if they were placed perfect in the horizon. Everything combined smoothly and neatly, like a painting where each stroke is measured and considered before ever touching the canvas.

“Where… Where are we?” He pondered mostly to himself. He sat up, sitting on his knees as he continued to look around.

Shadow Milk found himself snickering at the star struck look on his face. “A few several miles away from the Vanilla Kingdom. I found this place during one of my trips to see my fellow beasts.”

“It’s beautiful.” Pure Vanilla muttered.

“Which means it’s fitting for you, no?”

The blonde whipped his head around to look at the beast. He snapped his fingers, setting up the picnic blanket beneath his feet. He had a cheeky smile on his face, as if he were so very proud of himself.

That same warm smile returned to Pure Vanilla’s face, his eyes turning upturned. Shadow Milk wanted to claw it off his face a frame it.

He patted the spot next to him, trying to seem like he had no urgency whatsoever. The ancient stood up before stepping over to him. The feeling bloomed as he sat down next to him.

“I have something for you,” Pure Vanilla spoke, reaching for the picnic basket. He popped it open, digging past the fruit and crackers at the front.

He pulled out something wrapped in yellow fabric. A small cerulean ribbon was wrapped around it in a neat little bow. The blonde offered it to the other.

It was a small blueberry muffin. It looked awful. It wasn’t symmetrical at all, one side much bigger than the other. A few of the blueberries looked as if they had exploded in the oven, leaving only their insides and skin spread messily on the bread.

Just from looking at it, he knew it had been overcooked. It looked worse than what a freshly baked dough could do, fact Shadow Milk had dangling on his lips, threatening to spill out, until he looked up at Pure Vanilla.

He had a shy smile on his face as he tried (and failed) to maintain eye contact. “I remember you telling me how much you liked blueberries, so I made this for you. I know it’s not the best, but I tried my hardest…”

Shadow Milk didn’t say anything for a few moments, wondering if laughing at him or lying to him would be the better option. He ended up snickering as he took the muffin. “Did you make this without your clip, Nilly?”

Pure Vanilla sighed out of embarrassment. “Please don’t be mean. I really tried this time.”

Shadow Milk let out a huff, taking the muffin out of his hands. He sunk his teeth into it, the mediocre flavor filling his taste buds.

It was fine. It most definitely wasn’t cooked to perfection and it tasted a bit dry, but it was fine.

Still, the beast smiled, feigning surprise. “Oh wow, Nilly, this isn’t half bad. Thank the witches you’ve improved your baking skills from last time. I was afraid I’d have to toss this again.”

The blonde shook his head. “You don’t have to eat it if you don’t want to.”

“Oh, but I do. I can’t afford to let you waste this beautiful work of art so easily.”

Pure Vanilla smiled warmly at him. He brought a hand up, cupping Shadow Milk’s cheek. The latter froze, his smile dropping, his face went blank. He stared down at him with wide eyes, his attention solely focused on that damn smile of his.

His hand gently brushed away a loose crumb that rested on the corner of his lips. The touch lingered, far longer than what would be deemed casual.

“I appreciate you sparing my feelings. That’s something you would have never considered all those years ago.” His hand dropped from his face, landing on his shoulder. “I’m really proud of how far you’ve come.”

“Your perseverance is admirable. I think it’s why I like you so much.”

Time seemed to freeze. Shadow Milk’s jam ran cold. The feeling exploded underneath his skin. His hair turned into a gloopy liquid, beginning to flail around him.

Every fiber of his being wanted to— to do something to the man in front of him. Something he didn’t know the name of. And he hated it.

It was too sweet, far too sweet for a being such as himself to experience. The fog his mind had put up in an attempt to block this unnamed feeling out was fading. Every thought and action he had towards the cookie sitting in front of him was now being analyzed under a new light.

The feeling became more and more familiar, a feeling that has been drilled into society over many millennia, something he had ruthlessly studied in his past, the one thing he could never fully understand.

The moment the fog lifted and the feeling finally identified himself, he slapped away Pure Vanilla’s hand with a bitter laugh. “Yeah, yeah, we’re friends now. Of course you like me.”

Pure Vanilla’s smile faltered for a moment. A blink and you’ll miss it change that Shadow Milk caught every time. “No, that’s not what I meant.”

“What other way could you have possibly meant it??” He was getting aggressive now, his eyes beginning to glow.

“Bluebird… I think I lo—”

The beast pushed the ancient away from him. He stood up, his hands balled into fists, the eyes in his hair wide and scratched out. His sharp teeth glistening in the sunset lighting.

He looked dangerous, something to be fear, a monster. And yet, Pure Vanilla still looked at him with that soft gaze. As if he didn’t see something to be feared.

As if he didn’t care what Shadow Milk was, is, and always will be—a beast. He looked as if he was still so in l— as if he still cared so deeply about him. That only made Shadow Milk angrier.

“Don’t say that. Don’t you dare say that.” He spoke through gritted teeth.

Pure Vanilla stood up, the lack of fear in his expression making Shadow Milk angrier. “It’s the truth. It’s how I feel.”

A bitter laugh escaped his lips. “Liar. No it isn’t. No one has, is, or will ever lo— care for me. It’s not possible.”

The ancient finally frowned, the hurt on his face clear as day. “But I do. I refuse to lie to you for your own comfort. Not now. Not about this.”

“Is this some kind of sick joke to you? Do you really think I’m dumb enough to believe a lie as silly as this? Have you forgotten what am I? Have you forgotten what I’ve done to you?!”

Pure Vanilla stepped closer. “Yes, I do remember. It would be hard of me to forget. But you wouldn’t do those same things to me now. I know you wouldn’t. You’ve changed yet refuse to let yourself see it.”

His claws dug into the palms of his hands, jam beginning to drip down to his knuckles. Pure Vanilla noticed. Of course he did. He instinctively reached a hand out to heal him, only to be violently pushed away.

He staggered back, regaining his footing. Shadow Milk pushed him again, this time successfully making him topple over. Pure Vanilla slipped on the corner of the picnic blanket, crashing down onto the ground.

Shadow Milk forced his way on top of him, roughly pinning his hand to the ground. The clip in his hair slipped off, the connection between the two breaking. Blurred shapes and colors replaced the scene in front of him, not allowing him to get a good look at his other half’s expression.

Shadow Milk laughed again, manically. “You never know when to quit, do you? You keep spewing out lie after lie after lie— I’m sick of it. I’m sick of you!”

“Shadow Milk, I—”

“Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!!!”

His shouts began to turn more desperate as his claws dug into Pure Vanilla’s skin. He resisted a wince at the painful sensation, trying to not let it be known that it was getting to him.

“Who are you to say such harmful lies to me? You don’t know anything about me! I am not meant to be cared for, I am not meant to be domesticated, I don’t belong here!”

His hands moved to Pure Vanilla’s neck, squeezing it. The blonde choked, a hand coming up to rest on top of Shadow Milk’s.

“I am a beast, a monster, get that through your damn head! You haven’t seen what disgusting things I’m capable of, and then you go on and say this?!”

“You’re a dirty liar who wants to feel better about himself. You’ve tamed the dangerous beast! You parade him around like a pet! You’ve turned me into this soft, hideous, humiliating mess of what I once was. What more could you want?!”

Pure Vanilla’s hold on Shadow Milk’s hands got tighter as he tried to free himself. He gasped and squirmed underneath him, trying to wriggle himself free. “S-Shadow Milk—”

“Shut up!!!” His hands tightened to a dangerous degree.

Pure Vanilla gasped, his eyes widening. His movements became even more frantic as he tried to push against the beast. Even when he was being actively attacked, he still didn’t hit the other. He was still being as gentle as possible in such a dire situation.

Why…? Why was he like this?? Why, even when Shadow Milk was being the worst he could possibly be, was Pure Vanilla always so gentle with him? Why did he care for him so deeply after all that has happened between them?

How could he sit there and smile so softly at him while his hair turned droopy, while his fangs poked out of his mouth, while the slits in his eyes grew thinner?

After a few more empty gasps from the man beneath him, Shadow Milk finally let go of his neck, sitting back up straight on top of Pure Vanilla’s waist. The former king gasped, taking in a breath before immediately going into a coughing fit. He rubbed at his neck, wincing as he felt how sore it was.

“Just… shut up.” Shadow Milk mumbled out. His hands bled out onto Pure Vanilla’s white robe, staining it blue.

The two sat like that for a while, the only noises being the sounds of nature around them, and their breathing. The moment Pure Vanilla sat up, a portal opened behind Shadow Milk, and he was gone.

-

Shadow Milk didn’t need to sleep.

The idea was silly. He was a cookie baked by the gods designed with a purpose, something to drive him each and every day. He was meant to know everything while keeping up with new knowledge even he, himself, did not know yet.

The idea of wasting nearly half of the day resting in a bed, dreaming of nothing sounded like a huge waste of time. He was immortal. He could go on for years without rest if needed.

Even when he got tired, he pushed through until the feeling passed. He hadn’t slept in over a millennia. That was, until he got here. One day, early in his redemption, Pure Vanilla got concerned by his lack of sleep.

Despite Shadow Milk’s numerous attempts of explaining he didn’t need it and that it was unnecessary, the ancient took it upon himself to make sure he got rest. At least once per week.

Pure Vanilla was far too persistent for him to get rid of, so he found himself closing his eyes and lying in a bed with the intent to rest for the first time in thousands of years.

He ended up sleeping for a full week straight. Seems he needed it more than he initially thought. Ever since then, he’s been going to sleep every once and a while.

Whenever he felt tired or needed a break from the world, he’d find a cozy spot to nap in if he wasn’t in his room, and would have a nice dreamless sleep.

…Half of the time. He was graced with peace every other time he attempted to rest. The other half however… those were reversed for his night terrors.

Tragic memories would pop up as a manifestation of his current complicated emotions. Things he thought he had forgotten mixed with memories he could never forget.

Whenever those nightmares plagued him, he’d avoid sleeping for as much as possible. At least until Pure Vanilla got concerned and helped coax him to bed. On those nights, he dreamed of pleasant things, or nothing at all.

Tonight, he needed to escape his thoughts. He didn’t want to stay up replaying the events of the day over and over on repeat in his head.

He didn’t want to think of his own feelings. He didn’t want to think of how tired Pure Vanilla looked once he returned to the Vanilla Kingdom. His robe had been tour, spots of dirt covering him. The braid in his hand had come undone and newly formed eye bags rested on his face.

It wasn’t until be saw him when he remembered he had left him in the wild alone, miles away from home. The guilt that bubbled inside him was even more disgusting than the caring feeling that had been building up for the ancient.

Yet, he ignored him, only giving him dirty looks whenever he tried to reach out to touch him. It was better this way. Shadow Milk had grown too soft for the other. It was completely out of character.

So, to avoid Pure Vanilla’s halfhearted attempts even further, he turned in early for the night. He bother undressing, only taking off his collar and lying on top of the covers.

He was ready to have another dreamless sleep; his emotions haven’t interfered with his dreams for a few months now, no traumatic memories rising up inside of him.

He expected tonight to be the same, that he’d have a short break from Pure Vanilla’s nagging and recharge his energy. But of course, he could never get what he wants…

Shadow Milk woke up to a bright sky.

He let out a hiss as the sun hit his eyes, quickly closing them. His mind felt foggy as he questioned how he even got here in the first place. Coincidentally, the place resembled the field he had shown Pure Vanilla before.

Although, it was far too sweet this time around. The sun looked as if it was smiling down directly at him, the songs of birds were too perfectly crafted to be real.

His head was resting on something soft and warm. It elevated his head and occasionally, something just as warm ran through his hair, brushing out any potential knots.

It was… nice. He felt calm and at peace. He’s never felt so relaxed before. It was different, but a welcomed change. If he weren’t so relaxed, he might’ve questioned on the soft humming coming from above him.

But he didn’t care. His eye lids fell shut as a small smile crawled onto his face. He stayed like that for a long, drawn out moment before something tickled his cheeks.

His face scrunched up. Annoyed by his peace being taking away, he slowly opened his eyes to investigate. Blonde hair was on his cheeks and resting on his shoulders. It made a curtain around him, blocking him from the outside world.

He looked up, confused on where it came from, when he came face to face with Pure Vanilla, smiling so sweetly down at him. He immediately froze, his mind quick to reevaluate the situation.

His head was resting on Pure Vanilla’s lap, said cookie was looking down at him as if he were admiring something precious, and now, his hands cupped his cheeks, his fingers as soft as cotton.

His face turned violet as Pure Vanilla laughed down at him. The thumbs on his cheeks began to gently brush against his skin in a circular motion.

“Nilla, what are you—” He choked on the last word, not expecting the ancient to come even closer. He inhaled sharply, his hands beginning to shake.

The blonde simply laughed again, lightly shaking his head. Shadow Milk felt the horrid need to devour it. “Oh bluebird, must you lie to yourself about me?”

“What are you talking about? Get your hands off me.” Despite what he said, he made no attempt to remove the hands resting on his face.

Pure Vanilla seemed to appreciate that, his smile turning sweeter. Too sweet. Unnaturally so. Before he could even blink, before he could even process the situation, before he could even question what he was doing here, their positions changed.

Pure Vanilla was now planted comfortably on his lap with his hands on his neck, his thumbs rubbing circles against it. Their foreheads were lightly pressed together, the warmth from Pure Vanilla’s skin spreading to his own.

He flinched at the sudden change, his hands landing on Pure Vanilla’s hips to try and ground himself. It didn’t work. It made everything much worse, it just everything feel real.

He could feel Pure Vanilla’s breathing underneath his fingertips. He could feel the way he twitched and tensed whenever Shadow Milk made a particularly gentle movement.

He swallowed thickly as the former king gently nuzzled their noses together. He couldn’t even look at the other properly anymore. He couldn’t tell if it was the world around him, or his own emotions making everything seem even more foggy than it already was.

One of Pure Vanilla’s hands slowly traced up, lightly brushing against Shadow Milk’s ear. “I know how you feel about me. I’ve always known, even when you refuse to see it. It’s as clear as day for me.”

He flinched away at the small touch, yet the hand followed him, refusing to rest. His voice cracked as he spoke. “I-I… I don’t have any…”

The ancient chuckled. “Oh, but you do. It’s been so hard watching you deny yourself of something you need. Something you long for. I wonder, will you ever give into me?”

His head grew dizzier by the second. His hands slowly crawled up, not stopping until they reached Pure Vanilla’s waist. The latter moved, shifting closer on Shadow Milk’s thighs.

His lips lightly grazed the others as he spoke. “I am yours. I have given myself to you. I have proven it time and time again. Will you ever give yourself to me?”

He tried to deny it. He tried to deny all of this. Despite the way his stomach twisted, he still tried to deny what he was feeling, what Pure Vanilla was expressing to him.

He opened his mouth to deny it, to say anything to reject the situation, but Pure Vanilla was already closing in and before he could say anything, his lips collided with—

Shadow Milk woke up with a start.

He sat up, his heart racing, his breath heavy. He brought a hand up to calm his heart. His eyes were wide and horrified, darting around the room. He tried to recall what could’ve possibly made him react this way. He immediately regretted doing so.

As soon as his dream came to mind, he slapped himself in the face. What the hell was that?! Why would he dream about that?? Is he becoming delusional?

No. There’s no way this feeling he’s been feeling all this time is that feeling. He feels nothing towards Pure Vanilla! Or he had been put under some kind of spell to make him obey the ancient better! Or— Or something else!!

This dream was just a funny trick his conscious was playing on him, nothing more. Those cannot be his genuine feelings. They never have been and they never will be.

It’s not possible. For him to fall in l— for him to care this deeply for Pure Vanilla is impossible. This is just a weird fluke. Nothing. More.

He’ll forget about all of this eventually, tease the ancient for being delusional enough to think he actually liked Shadow Milk, and everything will go back to normal.

This means nothing.

-

It didn’t mean nothing.

For the next two weeks, Shadow Milk kept up his avoidance. He wouldn’t play chess with Pure Vanilla, he didn’t tease with him, he didn’t talk with him, he didn’t even look at him.

And yet, every single night without fail, he would dream about the other. Even if he refused to go to sleep, he would daydream about him instead! It was driving him insane. It was getting harder and harder to deny his feelings. Especially considering how depressed he began to feel.

Being around that wretched ancient actually uplifted his spirits. He found himself hoping for the first time in many, many years.

The last time he had felt this joyful was when he thought he had gotten Pure Vanilla on his side, when he thought Truthless Recluse would stay with him forever and they would destroy the world together.

He had grown so very soft for the other. He found himself longing for it. The many dreams and thoughts weren’t helping, only furthering this strange new sets of emotions he could never let go off.

Even though he knew this was most definitely the-feeling-that-shall-not-be-named, he didn’t think it would be this hard. He figured avoidance would make it disappear for both him and Pure Vanilla.

But it only made it stronger. Every day he began more and more frustrated. He found it getting harder to avoid the other, especially whenever he went out. Seeing him flaunt himself to every other fucker in town besides Shadow Milk was getting to him. All of this was getting to him. It was becoming too much to bear.

This was ridiculous! He’s immortal! He’s avoided Pure Vanilla countless times for weeks and months at a time! A week is like a second for him. How has two weeks suddenly become torturous to sit through alone?? How is this effecting him this much??

Sooner or later, he will snap. All of the denial and rejection will filter out of him, and he’ll find himself doing something stupid and reckless in an attempt to ease his pain. And that is exactly what happened tonight.

After waking up from another nightmare (romantic dream) about Pure Vanilla, Shadow Milk found himself restless. He was breathing heavily, his eyes were unfocused.

He can’t do this anymore. The feeling was beginning to pour out of him, blocking all of his reasonable thoughts from reaching the forefront of his mind. They were all replaced with one thing and one thing only.

Pure Vanilla’s stupid face.

The longing inside of him exploded as he crawled out of bed. He slammed his door open, not caring who he wakes up in the process. He stomped down the hall, his eyes never leaving the focus of the one specific door directly across from his own.

Once he reached it, he gave it four sharp knocks before folding his hands behind his back. He waited, resisting the urge to blow the door right off of its hinges. Resisting the urge to simply teleport inside of the room without any announcement.

Although, those ideas became more appealing the longer he stood out here. But, before he could do anything barbaric, the door opened.

Pure Vanilla lightly rubbed at his eye once he answered the door. He was in a simple nightgown and his hair was a mess, pointing every which way with some hair strands stuck to the corners of his mouth.

His eyes were shrunken and unfocused, his nightgown wrinkled and worn. Dried drool ran down from his mouth to his chin, creating a white-ish line against his face.

He could not have looked more perfect in that moment.

He gave the blonde a moment to process his surroundings, waiting for his eyes to shine in recognition and surprise as he stared up at him.

He gripped the door frame with a hand, his claws digging into the wood as he bent down slightly, towering over Pure Vanilla once again.

“Wh— Shadow Milk? What are you doing here…?”

“I lied.”

“Huh?”

“I need you. I need you so badly. Witches, you have no idea.”

The blushed that found its way onto Pure Vanilla’s face was beautiful, almost as beautiful as him. Shadow Milk forced himself into the room, shutting the door behind him.

“You—” Pure Vanilla was interrupted again by the other pushing him on the bed and crawling on top of him. The blonde let out a squeak, seemingly losing his voice.

The beast huffed as he held down the ancient’s wrists, pinning him to the bed. “I’ve been picturing your stupid face over and over and over while holding myself back. I can’t do it anymore.”

The way Pure Vanilla’s chest rose up and down to match his panicked breathing was delicious. He put his palm on top of it, relishing in how he could physically feel his breath hitch.

“Ah… Bluebird…” He mumbled out, putting a hand on top of Shadow Milk’s.

“Will you let me in?”

“…Yes.”

And that was that.

-

Shadow Milk woke up calmly for the first time in weeks.

He barely rose as he blinked away the tiredness in his eyes. He had his usual dreamless sleep, no complex thoughts or emotions poisoning his mind. A weight seemed to be lifted off of his chest the moment he saw Pure Vanilla again.

The burning in his chest had ceased into a relaxing warmth. The stress had melt away the moment he was able to touch him, the moment he was able to feel his body underneath his fingertips.

The moment he was able to feel the jam flowing beneath his skin and inside his veins. It was jarring how insanely easy the shift was. He looked to his right, staring at the slightly ajar window blowing a soft breeze into the room.

The curtains were open, letting sunlight pour through the room and lighting it up. Based on the position of the sun, it was about midday. Early for him, but very late for the ancient resting on top of him.

He looked down to see Pure Vanilla’s head resting on his chest, completely asleep. He looked like the definition of peace. He was snoring softly, his cheek nuzzling into the man below him.

His hair had become even messier, strands stuck to his face and forehead. Small beads of sweat dotted his forehead, a byproduct of their… events they had during the night.

They were wonderful. Sex was another thing he had ruthlessly researched back in the day. He knew of the biology behind it and how it felt, but witches, experiencing it was on a whole different level.

He could have never imagined how good it would feel, especially with the way Pure Vanilla was acting. He was letting him get away with everything and anything… It was incredible.

Shadow Milk let out a wince, realizing the incoming difficulties the other may have with moving for the next couple of days. He had lost so much control last night, acting purely on instinct rather than logically thinking things through.

He was rough, concerningly so. He bit and scratched and sucked and ripped just about everything in his path, solely focused on pleasuring himself.

But it wasn’t so awful. The other seemed to really enjoy it, so much so Shadow Milk had to put a sound barrier around the room during the middle of it.

He snickered at the thought, twirling one of the blonde’s hair strands around his finger. Who knew the Ancient of Truth, one of the most pure figureheads in Earthbread society, was a dirty little masochist. It was painfully ironic.

Saving these thoughts for later—because he and his other half would certainly be continuing this later—he thought about his feelings once more.

It felt… weird. Accepting a truth this big, something this awful… when was the last time he had done that? While yes, the feeling was wonderful in the moment, he knew this would fade.

Feelings such as these never lasted. They always crashed and burned, disregarded as if they were never there. He had seen it happen several times during his time as the Fount, many due to cookies complaining about it to him.

If cookies threw out this feeling over simple misunderstandings, how would he and Pure Vanilla keep it? Shadow Milk knew the kind of monster he was, he knew the horrible things he had done—most of which he still hasn’t apologized for.

Why would someone as pure as his other half stay with him? It’s a miracle they even managed to stay friends for this long. How would they handle something more than that…?

His grip subconsciously tightened on Pure Vanilla’s hair, causing the latter to let out a wince and waking him up. He quickly let go of him.

“Sorry.”

“Mm. It’s okay. Good morning, bluebird…” He smiled up at him with that same fucking smile. He could never get tired of it.

Shadow Milk cleared his thought, looking away. His cheeks gained a slight hint of violet. “You uh, you feeling okay?”

“Mhm. Just a little sore.”

“Good, that’s good…” He muttered, removing his hands from Pure Vanilla’s body.

It was silent for a few moments before the other sighed. He shakily moved off of Shadow Milk, sitting next to him instead despite his lower half clearly hurting.

“I’m going to ask you this now since you’re calm and less likely to run away again.” He started, putting a hand on Shadow Milk’s shoulder.

The beast raised an eyebrow. “And that is…?”

“Are you alright? You seem off.”

Shadow Milk’s body tightened, only slightly. His eyes widened as he sat up next to the other. His other half rested his head against his shoulder, trying to comfort him physically before he could even say anything.

The beast wrapped his arm around his waist before speaking. “I was just thinking about how all of this is temporary.”

Pure Vanilla let out a hum before before he started lightly tracing shapes into Shadow Milk’s bare chest. He was barely reacting. Not exactly the reaction the beast was expecting from him, especially after his confession.

“I don’t believe that’s true.” Pure Vanilla finally answered with a smile.

He scoffed, crossing his arms. “I’ve lived much longer than you, Vanilly. I know how these things go! Everything will go well until something changes and it’s too much for those cookies to handle, leading to it ending.”

“That won’t happen with us.”

“Oh, and how can you be so sure??”

His hand stopped its motions, now flat against Shadow Milk’s chest. “Because we are fated. Because, whether we like it or not, our soul jams will always find a way back to one another, because we have all the time in the world to understand each other.”

He scooted closer, bringing his face closer to the other’s “And because I—”

Shadow Milk covered his mouth before he could finish his sentence, his ears now flushed. “Still not quite ready for that, Nilla. Shut up. But I unfortunately see your point…”

The two are forever bound. They will always make up the former soul jam of knowledge, forever stuck as two halves that make up a whole. They, as well as their soul jams, will always long for each other whether they approve of it or not.

A blessing and a curse they are stuck with until they crumble. And now, with all the bonding they’ve been doing lately, if they were to separate from each other, attempt to leave and never look back, their bodies will weaken significantly.

At least until their soul jams learn to live without the other once more. It was a fated cycle they were trapped in, a purgatory for their souls they could never escape. A fact he had grown to accept, even if he didn’t like it most days.

This answer didn’t bring him much comfort. Uncertainty still bubbled up inside of him, ready to explode at any moment. Doubt still consumed his mind, even when the truth was laid out in front of him so very clearly.

But, the way Pure Vanilla breathed in sync with him at this moment, calmed his nerves enough for him to selfishly think, that everything will turn out fine, and he and his other half with dance together until the end of time.