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When I was born, there was no booming voice from the heavens prophesying that I would kill my Uncle. In fact, I had no Uncle to kill at all.
Unlike a child’s usual blank slate of a mind waiting to be written on, mine had scribbles from the past. I don’t remember when the voices started, but I've become used to them now.
I knew from the very start that I was a fragment of Vishnu’s incarnation, Krishna. But I don’t remember what it was like to be him. I only knew I had to fulfil my duties, but I wasn’t given any in the first place.
This question mark of a person I was: no powers, no memories, nothing. Like how a glass’s purpose is to be filled with drinks, I was the glass which didn’t know which drink I was made to hold.
When I was a toddler, the voices would never stop. It was always something I was put to task with, regardless of whether I answered.
But I can’t say it isn’t my duty. My mind was soothed when the requests came from a place of devotion and adoration.
I was four, lying on the floor after much fun. This voice cut over others; it lulled my mind, other requests forgotten.
A lone “I ate the biscuit without Amma knowing.” made my heart content. I wanted to find the person it came from. I wanted to find him.
My previous questions about myself were all but forgotten. I was desperate to know who it was.
Funnily, it felt as if the universe responded to my questions. The boy would pray to me across the years. I would dumbly smile at the stories shared. I yearned to respond, and so– as I was always meant to find him- I did.
His eyes, filled with wonder, didn’t change across thousands of years; even if his face had changed, those eyes would never have. I saw the fiery soul in him shine brighter; the smile blooming across his face put the roses Mrs. Pillai grew to shame.
I thought, maybe getting to know this person would make me find myself. Maybe he would be the answer to myself.
Perhaps it wasn't about that.
☆
His soul crackled in my vicinity, and I felt the warmth radiate. We were nowhere close. Yet.
I knew him. I know him. Every step he takes, I know what direction he will take. And, as a mere fragment could hope to keep its source happy, I tried my hardest.
He asked for me.
At the temple, lonely, he prayed to me to give him a friend. He didn't know the friend he wanted was the one who already dwells in his heart. If it were any other universe, maybe our first meeting would've been different.
Maybe because that Krishna knew for what he was born. But I don't. So, I made duties for myself.
The first and foremost was, meeting the one who lives in every particle of me. The second was, keeping him safe and happy. At last, the third was to stick to him like a brand sticker stuck to plastic.
When our eyes met, when I saw the round, bored eyes light up with excitement, I knew I was meant to do this.
Even if I weren't, it's fine.
I almost let the ball slip my grasp. No, no, I had to look charming and cool like the Krishna that was in the epics.
Maybe I used my magic. Never mind, I did use my magic. But it was nothing. If I were to break the pot, Mrs. Pillai would've broken one by chucking it at me.
He invited me to play with him. Who was I, but a measly servant to him? I couldn't reject it– I would be a fool. Anyone would be a fool.
★
I changed the weather slightly to accommodate him.
“Krishna, do you think this is the effect of global warming?” Arjun asked, frowning.
“Maybe.” I answered.
It was selfish.
For his happiness, I ruined others'
Who knew how many ran on the streets at the sudden downpour and ruined their work? Who knew how many cursed my higher-ups for the drizzles in the morning? Who knew how many roads were overflowing because of my human desire to keep him happy?
No one.
No one knew.
He didn't look at me twice when the rains started. Huddling up to me because warmth was better shared. I didn't want to tell him that if I wished, I could clear up the skies for him.
I could use my powers for petty things.
I used my powers for petty things.
But who could blame me? Could you?
When he hid a smile as Duryodhan got scolded, I lamented being a small fragment which broke away.
If I were whole, would he have recognized me? The way every part of me longed to hear his prayers once a day, would he have longed to be heard?
But I am only a fragment. Not a half. Not a whole. Even I don't know myself.
Who could love someone like that? A ‘thing’ like me? I mean, I’m not exactly a god. I’m not human either, so what am I? Not a demigod either, since I looked it up once and neither of my parents are non-human or divine. I don’t have enough powers to be a lesser deity too. I mean, I am Krishna.
Only that part’s clear in this whole mess.
Even I pray sometimes. Pray to the whole God whose temple the one I love visits. To let me be happy. Even if it's only for a short while. Even if I am one day, to return. That’s something straight out of my nightmares. That Krishna’s going to ask me to come back, and I would have to. Then, he’s going to absorb me and I will be nothing.
Sometimes I felt that being too human was my weakest point.
★
He was concentrated as he studied beside me. Bobbing the pencil as he thought deeply. I found myself smitten by his thirst to excel in the upcoming exam. Of course, I helped him study since we had the same test.
I wonder if he ever noticed me staring at him for so long. I should probably stop now that I’ve realized. But I can’t help but wish he would notice. At the same time, I dread it again after thinking it over. What are these tricks the human heart plays? I could never get used to this.
As I watched his leaving figure, I thought about calling him back once. But I was too human (once again), so I didn’t. This is most definitely not me blaming my cowardice on the easiest thing. Nope.
The next morning, I woke up to a sweet voice praying. I lay awake in bed, gazing at the ceiling fan as Arjun asked me a favour.
Considering the rose that appeared in my hand the moment he left the temple, it would be safe to suffice that the better term would be a ‘bribe'.
Fine, it's not like there would be a cosmic imbalance because I help Arjun. The yugas have changed and I should too…
Arjun can't even cheat properly anyway. I remember the last time we had an exam. It was a two-mark problem, and because of our roll numbers, he was seated behind me. When I offered to show him my paper, he simply asked for the formula. Righteousness even in cheating? That’s not even real.
It was a small-scale test, written in our own classroom. And the questions would be written by the teacher herself. So, I had to either possess her and write the questions on the board (Which would be quite difficult since, unfortunately, I haven’t tried possessing someone yet) or I could give him a list of questions that she had on her mind.
I did the latter.
It resulted in good fruit. Had a good lie on my tongue too! Thankfully, Arjun didn’t notice that the other class she taught didn’t have a test for today.
Another day of going unnoticed. Still don’t know whether I should be glad or not.
★
I used my powers for something that wasn't petty.
That was a first.
Arjun’s mother was sick. He stopped coming to school since it was pretty hard for her. When I came home from school, I immediately went to his house. I could tell he was trying hard to be normal but, it was obvious to me.
He cried at the steps of my temple. Broken sobs I woke up to in the morning. It was unlike the soft voice which recounted its entire day with a happy smile.
A sharp pain rose in my chest. The sorrowful sounds pounded my head, and for the first time, I wept. Tears ran down my cheeks as he asked me. Pleaded me.
The pleas ripped my heart apart.
I had to do something. Anything.
I did.
It was new to me. But it wasn't unmanageable. It wasn’t at a deadly stage, thankfully.
But it exhausted me. Limbs sore, eyelids drooping in exhaustion. I wanted to sleep. But I couldn't. I shouldn't.
I should make sure he is okay. I should make sure my powers worked.
He may have suspected my unusual demeanour, he tried to pry into the reason behind my sudden tiredness. I calmly directed the conversation elsewhere.
Perhaps he noticed, his gaze straying to me until I was out of his sight. Perhaps there was something wrong with me, the worry reassured me.
I passed out as soon as I hit the comfort of my bed.
Ease looked pretty on him.
☆
I knew it was stupidity. But I still yearned for him to find out.
Perhaps he would figure it out one day. I would then calmly explain it all to him. He wouldn't care about the incomplete, inhumane thing I was.
He would love me. Because he was Arjun.
Perhaps he would notice. Because I solved his frequent minuscule problems.
Perhaps he would figure it out.
That I loved him so deeply.
But was I worthy of his love?
I didn't impart the importance of life. I only made it rain because he liked it.
I am an iota of the supreme one. Nothing special at all.
Perhaps it is why Arjun doesn't recognise me as I do him.
★
I don’t usually come to the temple, here and there, once or twice, just to see Arjun pray. Not my fault I’m whipped. Today was one of those days. He knew I was hiding something from him. Which hurt all the more that I didn’t tell him.
He then trailed off into confessing.
I froze up at the sudden confession, heat rushing to my face. The marble pillar I was hiding behind seemed so narrow all of a sudden. I was scared of getting caught and I was happy at the same time.
Arjun loves me.
Arjun loves me.
He was aware of my secretive nature and still loved me. Of course, it was stupid of me to think of him so cheaply of him. The Arjun ‘I’ knew was empathetic and loving. I chided myself for being an idiot.
For only a few seconds. Because after a moment of silence, Arjun got up. I panicked and ran, my heart thumping in my head as I jumped over a few steps and got to the Arch. I stopped running.
What was there to run from? He had declared his love for me openly. Yet, I was being a coward. It wasn’t even me he said it to, it couldn’t have been a lie. Perhaps it was okay that I wasn’t the Krishna who encouraged Arjun to fight. Perhaps it was okay that I was a petty fragment.
I turned back on my heels and found Arjun staring at me.
It was a tad bit scary, I have to admit. He asked me if I heard everything, and I answered truthfully– that I did. Perhaps my answer didn’t satisfy him.
He questioned me again, asking me if I had nothing else to say. Of course, I had a lot to say. I opened with a vague statement, which probably sounded weird. I proceeded to tell him all my worries, what I am, who I am.
Saying everything out loud, sharing my doubts– it was a first. I didn’t approach anyone, not even my family to disclose this information. I lived with this for sixteen years. Now that I’ve shared it with him, I felt… lighter.
There was previously a part of me which was worried about him not taking me seriously. Maybe he’d think I hit my head and started talking crazy. Or maybe he’d think I was making up stories to get out of giving a proper answer.
But he didn’t. He believed me. He was ready to accept that he was my soulmate, that I was a fragment of a god. Maybe once I’ll have to make up a story to see if he’d believe anything I say.
I could feel warmth emanate from him as we hugged. The fiery soul in him bloomed at my touch.
Questions don’t always exist with answers and sometimes there isn’t only one answer. There may be more answers for the question that was my purpose but undoubtedly, Arjun was one of them.