Chapter Text
Schpood dramatically sniffled, the bright moonlight reflecting off his face through the window of the small apartment. The final scene of the movie Titanic playing on the TV had just ended, and now the black screen was scrolling the names of the people who helped with the production. Schpood suddenly started clapping in admiration, as if a theater performance had just concluded. “Amazing!” he said, leaning back a little further against the couch behind him. He wasn’t sitting on the couch—instead he was sitting on the carpet, leaning against it.
Beside him, Wifies was in the same position. Still, he didn’t look nearly as affected by the movie as Schpood; despite the tragic ending, he didn’t seem sad at all. He was just staring at the television with a flat expression. Schpood always found Wifies' neutral facial expression very irritating because he couldn't read it. Sometimes he couldn't even tell when he was lying.
But when Wifies turned his head away from the TV and toward Schpood, a warm, slightly tired smile formed on his lips and he sighed. “Not bad, huh?” he said. Although Schpood complained about Wifies' neutral facial expression, Wifies usually didn't make that face with his close friends or just with him. It was as if he was more comfortable with it(?).
“Did you just call one of the most important films in cinema history ‘not bad’?”
“I mean, it wasn’t that good,” Wifies said with a shrug. Then he stopped sitting on the carpet and yawned lightly. His body was stiff from sitting on the floor. After that he walked toward the kitchen. The apartment was already quite small. It consisted of a kitchen connected to the living room, a bathroom, and a tiny bedroom. It was enough for Schpood since he lived here alone. But when Wifies came over and they had movie nights like this—movie nights with Wifies had become a bit of a routine lately because, surprisingly, Wifies was into movies the same way he was, unlike Spidey and Ish—the place felt small for them.
“You just don’t like romance,” Schpood said, needling him, and he tried to get up from where he was sitting too. But he’d been sitting on the floor for so long that his ass had practically turned to stone. He immediately staggered forward and slammed his forehead hard into the carpet. The moment he hit it he let out a loud, pained groan. It wasn’t actually that painful of a hit that it required such a loud reaction, but Schpood was just a little extra dramatic.
“Get your ass up,” Wifies said as nonchalantly as possible while he pulled a cold water bottle out of the fridge to wake himself up, though he was trying to hide his concern underneath.
“I’m working on it?!” Schpood grumbled, lifting his head and rubbing his reddened forehead irritably. “My ass is so hard,” he said without thinking.
“What the–?” Wifies said, frowning and letting out a disgusted murmur at Schpood’s words that were so open to misunderstanding. “You’re such a weirdo, bro”
Schpood immediately shouted in anger and embarrassment. “You know that’s not what I meant!” he said. Unfortunately, Schpood was one of the easiest people in the world to piss off. He was way too egotistical and arrogant— he could get aggressive over even the tiniest negative comment directed at him. And Wifies knew this perfectly well, so he basically played him like a fiddle and messed with him constantly. “Why do you have to be so cruel?”
“I’m not.”
While still rubbing his ass and letting out continuous angry little groans, Schpood stood up and walked toward the kitchen. He walked like a broken robot— every single movement made the pain in his ass feel like it was killing him. But he had to be strong. A real man could handle a little ass pain. And Schpood was definitely a real man.
“I admit the romance in the movie was a bit stale,” Schpood said as he opened the fridge. Unfortunately, he was out of beer— which wasn’t exactly surprising. He was as poor as any university student, so he could only afford a maximum of three beers a month. Two of them had already been drunk by Wifies and Spidey. So he was basically only drinking one beer a month. He cursed to himself and slammed the fridge door shut with pure personal hatred.
“Still,” Schpood continued, leaning against the counter, “the movie is set in the 1900s after all. Back then there was no such thing as dating like we have now. You could marry someone you’d only known for a week.” He shrugged.
Wifies raised an eyebrow, looking amused, and said in a mocking tone, “Would you still want to be living in the 1900s?” — clearly referencing the fact that Schpood had never had a girlfriend or even a flirt.
When Schpood heard that, he bit the inside of his cheek so he wouldn’t get angry and start cursing Wifies out loud enough for the whole apartment building to hear. He’d already gotten multiple warnings from the building management because of the harsh, swear-filled things he’d said to Wifies before. Schpood’s relationship with the landlord was already not great. So he didn’t want to push his luck any further. “I could get myself a girlfriend if I wanted to,” he said arrogantly, crossing his arms over his chest. “I just… you know. I’m too good for this world.”
Wifies couldn’t help but snicker at Schpood’s words. “If you say so,” he said, not even bothering to take Schpood’s narcissistic sentences seriously. “I’m constantly amazed at how much bigger your ego gets every single day. If it gets any bigger, your head’s gonna fall off and you’re gonna die.”
Schpood flinched at Wifies’ violent, blood-filled comment about his head falling off and dying, and he frowned. Glaring at Wifies, he hissed, “Did you have to say that?”
Wifies just smirked while taking another sip of his cold water. Once he finished, he set the glass down on the counter. “Romance isn’t the only reason,” he said, and added, “Not much exciting happens until the later parts of the movie. The sinking scene is impressive, yeah, but it’s not enough on its own. And Jack’s death is completely unnecessary.”
“Because Titanic isn’t just a sinking story,” Schpood said, and started walking back toward the living room, still limping like a dog that urgently needed to take a shit because of his aching ass. At least he tried. God, how long had he been sitting on the floor? Wifies followed behind him, his gaze locked somewhere specific. Schpood could practically feel those eyes on him.
“Don’t you even dare try it,” he said, knowing perfectly well that Wifies was thinking about kicking him in the ass.
Wifies rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath that Schpood couldn’t make out. It didn’t matter to Schpood. He wasn’t curious about what Wifies was mumbling. — Actually, he was very curious, but he’d rather throw himself off a nine-story building than admit it. Schpood was the type who overthought even the smallest things, to the point where he sometimes couldn’t sleep at night. But he was also an excellent observer. He could catch tiny details no one else noticed in an instant.
For example, he was the kind of person who could tell right away when someone liked someone else. He’d known Thomas and Micro were dating long before they announced it to everyone; he could see the softness and the deep meaning in the way they looked at each other. Or he could instantly tell which girls and guys on campus had a crush on Wifies. They didn’t even bother trying to hide it. Hearts practically shot out of their eyes whenever they looked at him. Schpood knew Wifies was unnecessarily handsome. Those messy, wavy brown locks, those lavender eyes — the most beautiful shade of purple — and that perfectly built body.
But for some reason, he didn’t like how much attention Wifies got. It actually pissed him off. He couldn’t understand why everyone fell for Wifies. Sure, he was good-looking, but his personality was completely shit! Like a devil who’d come to earth to take revenge according to the Bible! Okay, that was a bit of an exaggeration, but…
Luckily— wait, why was he saying 'luckily'? …Whatever. Wifies rejected every single person who confessed to him. Half of those who confessed to him were like supermodels, in a league Schpood could never reach. And Wifies was still rejecting them. It was truly unbelievable.
Schpood glanced at Wifies out of the corner of his eye and cursed him in his mind. If he’d been as handsome and rich as Wifies — yeah, Wifies had never told him he was rich, but goddamn it, he owned a car? What university student had a car? Especially a brand-new one! — he would’ve used it to the absolute limit. He would’ve been a problematic little shit, partying until dawn and having one-night stands. Then when he finally matured, he’d settle into a serious relationship.
That was kind of his fantasy. Maybe in another life he’d get the chance to live like that… But the guy standing next to him had the chance and still didn’t take it! Instead he came and practically lived in Schpood’s tiny apartment that was about as narrow as his own asshole! Schpood couldn’t even remember the last time Wifies had gone to a party. What a complete waste of a life…
“What are you thinking about?” Wifies asked as he sat down on the couch, his eyes curiously scanning Schpood’s face. The moment Schpood heard his voice, he startled like a wet cat and snapped back to reality. He really got distracted way too easily… His friends had told him before that he might have ADHD, but he’d never bothered getting diagnosed.
“I’m thinking about you,” Schpood said honestly, without thinking twice, and went to sit next to Wifies on the couch. He even shoved Wifies a little to make more room, even though Schpood already had way more space than Wifies. He was only doing it to piss him off. Annoying each other had basically become their way of communicating by now.
When Wifies heard that, he immediately turned his head toward him. His eyes were wide with surprise and his eyebrows shot up. Schpood couldn’t help being a little stunned too. Seeing Wifies that shocked was rare. Then Wifies quickly turned his head away again, looking in the complete opposite direction as if he wanted to hide his face. “You really don’t think before you speak, do you?” he said in a low, muffled voice.
Curious about why he was hiding his face, Schpood leaned forward, but Wifies stubbornly buried his face even more. With a teasing yet still very curious tone, Schpood asked, “What? Is your snot running?” and pressed his chest against Wifies’ back.
Wifies didn’t answer for a moment. Then, in a voice that was both sly and mocking, he said, “You want me to wipe my snot on you?”
The second Schpood heard that threat, he wrinkled his face in pure disgust and hurriedly stopped leaning over Wifies. He stuck himself to the other end of the couch like iron to a magnet. “You’re disgusting, man,” he said, using every ounce of his self-control not to kick him with his foot.
When Wifies finally turned back around, his face looked completely normal, but Schpood could still see a faint pink flush on his cheeks. Had he caught a cold or something? When Wifies’ lavender eyes drifted back to the names still scrolling on the black TV screen, Schpood did the same. He couldn’t believe it. How many people had worked on this movie? He could swear the credits had been rolling for at least ten minutes.
“You should stop giving me hope,” Wifies said suddenly.
“What?” Schpood asked, looking confused as he turned his head toward him. But Wifies refused to meet his eyes, almost like he was avoiding them. He didn’t answer Schpood’s “what?” either. He stayed silent, as if he’d swallowed his tongue. Schpood could see a faint shimmer in Wifies’ eyes… Almost like sadness? But why would he be sad? Schpood thought they were having a great movie night.
“If you’re upset because there’s no beer, next time I’ll buy two extra ones. Just for us,” Schpood said with a reassuring yet still pretty arrogant grin. The arrogance kind of ruined the reassuring part, but whatever…
“Really?” Wifies asked skeptically. Someone as cheap as Schpood suddenly making a gesture like that was basically a sign the world was ending. If Spidey had heard it, she’d probably think it was a prank and ask 'Where’s the camera?' Wifies had considered that possibility too. “Do you even have money?”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Schpood said, frowning. “Of course we’re buying them with your money.”
Wifies felt a quiet relief knowing the world wasn’t ending and this wasn’t a prank, but at the same time Schpood’s cheap and arrogant attitude pissed him off. This guy really made him feel complicated emotions. “You’re impossible,” Wifies said, clicking his tongue.
...
“Why is Ish here?” said Schpood, squinting as he looked critically and judgmentally at Ish sitting right across from him in the campus cafeteria. Since the only people who weren’t young were the cafeteria workers, Ish—a middle-aged man—stood out quite a bit.
Spidey shrugged and stabbed a potato with her fork. “Dunno, maybe he wanted to taste the spirit of youth one last time,” she said, and shoved the potato into her mouth. The potato was pretty cold and hard; the food in the campus cafeteria was always terrible anyway. If you wanted a decent meal you had to go all the way to the café on the other side of campus. And Schpood’s film department was really far from there, and he was too lazy to make the trip. Spidey was just as shit like him, so the two of them were suffering the consequences of their laziness by eating food that even a street rat wouldn’t touch.
“For God’s sake, he can’t even run,” Schpood said, rolling his eyes.
“You two aware I’m sitting right here, right?” said Ish, gripping his knife tighter and forcing a smile so he wouldn’t get up in the middle of the cafeteria and beat the shit out of them or shove their heads into the cold potato containers.
Spidey and Schpood both said “yes” at the same time.
“I’m not that old.”
“You complain about your back hurting when you climb the stairs,” Schpood shot back immediately. Spidey nodded in agreement while chewing her hard potato. She didn’t even wrinkle her nose at the disgusting taste anymore; she’d gotten used to it. “Also, you don’t even know how to use TikTok,” Spidey added on top of what Schpood had said. “That’s a total middle-aged move.”
“Fine. I was planning to take you guys out of the city this weekend. But looking at the way you’re treating me…” Ish said, knowing exactly how to hit them where it hurt.
These kids would do anything for free stuff. —They weren’t even that poor. Whenever they went out Ish always paid the bill, so they should have at least been able to save a few dollars— Hell, he even remembered one time Spidey and Schpood entered a contest just to get free two-day tickets to the amusement park. The contest was: you and your partner had to race with your ankles tied together and cross the finish line before the other contestants.
Schpood and Spidey had started fighting the second the race began, but somehow their greed for the money got them pretty far. Then that same greed made Schpood yank the pants of the guy in front of them and make him fall, so they got disqualified. Wifies had recorded the whole thing and posted it afterward. Spidey and Schpood had been the butt of jokes for at least two weeks after that. They were still waiting for the right moment to get revenge on Wifies.
“I guess I’ll just take Wifies. At least he respects me,” Ish said, curling his lip. Praising Wifies felt wrong to him. Because he knew exactly how much of a little devil that kid was for his age. And most of the time it was annoying as hell.
When Spidey and Schpood heard about the out-of-town trip, their eyes went wide like dogs that had just heard the word “treat.” Schpood was so shocked and excited that a piece of lettuce from his leftover hamburger flew out of his mouth and parachuted straight onto Ish’s plate. Spidey frowned in disgust when she saw the lettuce make a professional parachute landing on Ish’s plate and muttered, “Gross.” Schpood told her to “Shut up,” clearly not giving a single shit about the food that had just come out of his mouth. Schpood wasn’t the type to get embarrassed easily anyway. He was always the one breaking social rules.
Ish, still amazed at how patient he was managing to stay, pushed the saliva-covered, teeth-marked green off his plate with his hands. In his head he had already decided for sure that he wasn’t taking Schpood.
“Hey Ish… Of course we respect you!” Schpood said, trying to sound extremely sincere and convincing.
Ish couldn’t believe how someone from the film department could act that badly. “How the hell are you this bad at acting when you’re in the film department?” Ish said. He wanted to take a forkful of the pasta on his plate but immediately thought better of it. Not only had Schpood’s lettuce already infected the whole plate, he didn’t trust the cafeteria food in the first place.
“First of all! I’m not an actor, I want to be a director!” Schpood said smugly, then angrily snatched one of Spidey’s potatoes and shoved it into his mouth. He regretted it immediately. He hadn’t eaten the cafeteria potatoes in a long time so he’d forgotten how disgusting they tasted. He couldn’t even chew the potato. It was so frozen solid that when he tried to bite it he felt like his tooth cracked. He immediately spat the potato out of his mouth.
Spidey grumbled. “Dude, can you stop taking food out of your mouth? It’s a disgusting sight and I’m trying to eat here.”
“It’s a miracle you still have any desire to eat,” Ish added from the side.
Spidey shrugged. “I mean, I’m used to it. Stuff like this always happens in this cafeteria.” Then she shot Schpood a sharp, warning look. “But that doesn’t give you an excuse to spit food out of your mouth twice.”
Schpood ignored them and continued. “And my acting is good too. You’re just jealous. Did you know I did voice-over for a commercial?”
Spidey and Ish both blinked like they were surprised by that information. Spidey raised one eyebrow skeptically, clearly not believing it. “You? Did voice-over for a commercial?”
“Why is that so hard to believe?”
“What commercial?” Ish asked, desperately clinging to the possibility that Schpood had actually achieved something.
“Do I have to say?” Schpood said, clearly uncomfortable that they were asking about the type of commercial.
“Oh my God Schpood… What commercial?” Spidey said, bracing herself for the worst. She couldn’t even begin to guess what Schpood had done. He always managed to do something worse and more embarrassing.
“Fine… It was a condom commercial.”
After that the whole table sank into a suffocating silence. No one dared to make a sound. The fact that Schpood had done voice-over for a condom commercial hung heavy and painful in the air.
Finally Spidey spoke. “Hey, Ish, do you think we should move to another table?” she asked without even bothering to look at Schpood.
“Yeah, I think we should—”
“You’re not going any-fucking-where!” Schpood yelled in anger. Then he turned to Spidey. “Seriously, Spidey? You’re choosing a middle-aged guy with a bad back over me?!”
Yes, Ish now had one more reason not to take Schpood on the out-of-town trip. If Ish kept listing reasons not to take Schpood all day, the list would probably be taller than he was.
Spidey shrugged like it was the most obvious thing in the world and looked away. “At least he didn’t act in a condom commercial—”
“I didn’t act in a condom commercial!” Schpood yelled, completely losing it and raising his voice way higher than necessary. His face was red with anger. And there was still zero shame… He yelled so loudly that “I didn’t act in a condom commercial!” echoed painfully a few times through the cafeteria hallways. Everyone in the cafeteria turned to look at him and within seconds the whispering started.
Okay, now he was a little embarrassed. Ish had already started moving away from Schpood while Spidey said, “Okay, now I’m definitely leaving,” and followed after Ish.
Schpood wanted to slam his head into the metal table until it broke. And in the process he wanted to get taken to the hospital with a concussion and lose his memory so that this moment would be erased from his mind forever. But even doing that wouldn’t erase it from everyone else’s memory in the cafeteria. Maybe he should slam everyone’s head into the wall and make them all lose their memories? But that would be way too much effort and take too long. Plus there was a chance he’d go to prison. Schpood didn’t want to go to prison; he had a big, bright future ahead of him. (Okay, maybe it wasn’t that bright.)
Schpood accepted his fate and stood up from the table. He knew he was going to be the campus laughingstock for at least a month, but at least no one had filmed him. Unlike that time he’d entered the race with Spidey a while back. Schpood made a mental note. He was definitely going to get revenge on Wifies for that. He left the cafeteria under everyone’s curious and mocking stares. Then when he reached the big green area of the campus his eyes searched for Spidey and Ish.
The two of them were walking together toward a bench next to a big tree. The tree was pretty secluded and in a spot where no one would notice them. Spidey and Ish had probably chosen a place like that so Schpood wouldn’t follow them. ‘Hah, how pathetic,’ Schpood thought. ‘Did they really think they could ditch Big Schpood with a cheap trick like that?’ Schpood immediately started walking after them.
“Stop following us!” Spidey said, like she’d already noticed Schpood was behind them. Schpood frowned. “Why?”
“I don’t want to stand next to someone who acted in a condom commercial.”
“I didn’t act! I just did the voice-over!” Schpood yelled. Maybe he really should give everyone a concussion and make them lose their memories. He didn’t care how much effort it took anymore. If one more person said “condom commercial,” he swore he was going to start a massacre.
“That doesn’t make it any better,” Ish said, sitting down on the bench in the shade of the tree.
“Why you, Ish?!” Schpood said, sounding betrayed. “No one on this campus even knows who you are! Why would you care about being seen with me?”
“This isn’t about reputation, Schpood,” Ish said. “I’m disappointed. I actually thought for a second that you’d been in a normal commercial.”
Schpood wanted to sit next to them on the bench because he didn’t want to stand, but there was no room left because of Ish’s huge ass and Spidey’s muscular build (he hated the fact that Spidey was more muscular than him. His own arms looked like spaghetti). So he sulked and sat cross-legged on the grass in front of them. When he sat down his ass hurt from last night. Goddamn it, why had he sat on the carpet when there was a couch?
“I don’t get why you’re overreacting so much,” Schpood said. “This is a free country. Plus I thought we were modern enough not to be embarrassed by the word ‘condom.’ It’s 2026 for God’s sake.”
Spidey and Ish didn’t say anything. Then Ish let out a tired sigh, and Spidey grinned. Like the advantages of his friend having done voice-over for a condom commercial had just occurred to her. “What did they make you say?” she asked mockingly.
“Please don’t,” Ish said, rubbing his temples.
“Hey, Condom Boy!” A familiar, slightly mocking but deep voice came from behind them.
Schpood didn’t even bother turning around because he already knew who it was. But a vein popped out on his forehead at the new nickname. “Is that my new nickname now?” he asked.
Wifies walked over to them. An old-model pair of headphones was hanging around his neck by the cord—Schpood couldn’t figure out why he used such an old pair of headphones— His brown hair was even messier than usual. Like he’d run all the way here. He was wearing baggy dark jeans and a gray sweatshirt. It was pretty simple but somehow it looked good on Wifies. Actually Wifies would probably look good even if he wore an Elsa costume from Disney. Schpood almost laughed imagining Wifies in an Elsa costume.
Wait a minute! Schpood realized what he was doing right now. Goddamn it… I need to stop glazing Wifies! He’s gonna think I’m a fan of his! Schpood wasn’t a fan of his!
Yeah, he appreciated him in a lot of areas… His cool-headedness, his intelligence, the way he could instantly understand Schpood’s mood and thoughts with just one look, and the fact that he was always down to watch movies or musicals with Schpood… He appreciated those things.
YES! I’m still glazing him even right now! Fuck!
Wifies, you human cockroach!
“I don’t know,” Wifies said, wiping the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand. “The whole campus is calling you that.” Then he narrowed his eyes and scanned Schpood from head to toe, suspicious and curious. “What the hell did you do?”
“Already?!” Schpood said. Not even a few minutes had passed and they’d already given him a new nickname?! He thought about crying, locking himself in his room, and not stepping foot outside until this whole thing blew over. He wouldn’t even go to the store! He could make Avery do the grocery shopping. Avery would probably complain a lot, but she still wouldn’t risk her friend starving to death at home, so she’d go to the store anyway. God, Schpood was a real devil.
“Wifies, will you hide me?” he said next, deciding to try it on Wifies even though it hadn’t worked on Ish, looking at him with big, round, pathetic puppy-dog eyes. Wifies stared expressionlessly into Schpood’s eyes for a while. His face was unreadable. Schpood didn’t give up and kept blinking with forced innocence. But from Wifies’s blank expression he couldn’t even tell if he was making any progress or not.
“Can you two do something other than keep up this homoerotic staring contest?” Spidey said, sticking her tongue out in disgust and gagging. “We’re in a public place.”
The second Schpood heard that he dropped the puppy-dog eyes and turned his head toward Spidey, flipping her off. “Not my fault you’ve got a dirty mind.” Then he grinned slyly. “Or are you starting to become one of those yaoi fans too?” he needled.
“What does yaoi mean?” Ish asked, confused. None of the three young people around him even bothered to explain. There was no way a middle-aged guy like Ish who didn’t even know how to use TikTok would know what yaoi was anyway.
“Denial and dodging the question. The first stages of being homosexual.”
“Hey.” Schpood said, crossing his arms defensively over his chest. “I’m half-homosexual, okay?” The three people next to him all stared at him hard, especially Wifies. It was like this topic interested him in particular; if Wifies could shoot lasers from his eyes like Superman, Schpood would probably already look like ground meat that had been put through a meat grinder.
“What the fuck does that even mean?” Spidey said, understanding literally nothing from Schpood’s “half-homosexual” sentence.
“I mean there are guys I find sexy. But the number is really small,” Schpood said, trying to explain his nonsense to his friends.
Wifies suddenly gave up standing and sat down right next to him quickly. —He sat pretty close too; their shoulders were touching— Like curiosity had completely taken over him, not looking away from Schpood for even a second, he asked, “Which guys do you find sexy?” His voice was a little shaky and almost excited. Expectant. Schpood couldn’t understand why Wifies was expectant. Who was he hoping he’d say?
Spidey saw this, covered her face with her hands, and started muttering “Oh my God I can’t do this” over and over like she was the one who should be embarrassed instead of them. Like someone was forcing her to watch a horror movie. Ish just watched them with curious, interested eyes.
Schpood tilted his head to the side. “Well, first of all, definitely Jude Bellingham. Amazing human being. Absolute goat. England is lucky to have him. I mean, I’d want to kiss him at least once, you know.” Schpood’s cheeks flushed a little as he imagined kissing Jude Bellingham.
Wifies couldn’t help rolling his eyes and clicking his tongue grumpily at those words. Spidey, still not over how embarrassing and cliché the whole situation was, said, “Besides soccer players, you idiot.” Ish nodded in agreement with Spidey. “We all have homosexual celebrity crushes.”
Wifies looked at Ish for the first time, pulling his eyes away from Schpood with mild surprise. “I didn’t know you had one, Ish,” he said. Schpood and Spidey looked a little surprised too. All eyes locked onto the middle-aged man.
Ish looked away, a little embarrassed, and sighed. “Well, yeah… I was young once too, you know.” Schpood muttered to himself, “Wow, Ish. I never pictured you like that.”
“Okay, this isn’t about me,” Ish said, frowning. “Is there any non-celebrity guy you find sexy?” Everyone’s eyes snapped to Schpood at once. He could see a spark of hope and expectation in their eyes. Like they all wanted him to say one specific name. But Schpood had no idea what that name was. Who was he supposed to say? Some guy they’d all previously agreed was sexy? They’d done that once before and it had been Microghost. And that had been a joke. Everyone knew Microghost wasn’t sexy.
“Uh…” Maybe he should just say the first name that came to mind. “Ish?”
He must have said the wrong name, because everyone sighed in disappointment. Wifies especially threw himself onto the grass in boredom and then started staring up at the bright blue sky, even though the leaves of the big tree they were under blocked his view. Like that was the only way he could cope with Schpood’s answer.
From the side Spidey said, “Rest in Peace, Wifies. A life wasted for the sake of an idiot,” and pressed her hands together, closed her eyes, and started praying like she was actually at a funeral. Ish looked at Wifies with a mix of pity… and also like he didn’t pity him at all.
Schpood felt like a real idiot right now. And he was definitely not an idiot! He couldn’t understand what was going on. Was there some joke the three of them knew that he didn’t? Oh my God, Schpood is starting to turn FOMO. They all definitely love turning him FOMO. Schpood got angry and frowned. “What are you guys doing?” he asked.
They didn’t answer for a while. After a bit Spidey opened her eyes and said “Amen.” Schpood knew Spidey wasn’t Christian, so what could he have done to make her pray like that? Schpood was dying to know.
Ish stood up from the bench and stood over Wifies. He blocked Wifies’s view of the sky with his face. “Get up,” Ish said. Wifies just grunted and didn’t put in even a single bit of effort to get up from the grass.
Okay. Schpood is really starting to turn FOMO.
What the hell is their problem?
...
“Hey, Micro,” Schpood said, pursing his lips like he was about to kiss someone and leaning them toward his nose. He’d stuck a pencil between his nose and his lips. He was maybe a little too old to be doing something like that, but he didn’t care. Right now it was just him and Micro in the library. –They’d specifically come at a time when no one else was around, because Schpood couldn’t stand the way people looked at him–
Without lifting his head from his book, Micro answered distractedly, “Hm?” It was obvious he wasn’t really paying attention to Schpood and just wanted to lose himself in his book. That’s what libraries were for, after all. Still, even though Schpood knew his talking wasn’t exactly welcome, he kept going.
“Do you think Wifies is asexual or aromantic?”
If Micro had been drinking coffee right then, he would’ve sprayed it across a huge area like the cliché in movies. Unfortunately he wasn’t, so instead he just choked on his own spit and coughed. “What do you mean?” he finally said, tearing his eyes away from his book.
“I mean, Wifies never says yes to anyone who asks him out,” Schpood grumbled. But when he grumbled the pencil stuck between his nose and mouth fell. When the pencil dropped Schpood swore. “Like, just think about it— a litreally supermodel asks you out and you turn them down.”
“People have types,” Micro said with a shrug.
“But almost every type of person has asked Wifies out!” Schpood shot back defensively, like a scientist trying to prove his theory. Then he started playing absently with the pencil in his hand. “God, I hate asexuals and aromantics…”
Microghost let out a tired sigh, closed his book, and set it down hard on the table. “Schpood. I don’t know a lot of things, but—”
“Yeah, everyone knows that.”
“Oh my God, Schpood. Can you shut up?”
Schpood shut up.
“…I don’t know a lot of things, but the one thing I know for sure is that Wifies is neither aromantic nor asexual,” Microghost said. And he really did look confident about it.
Schpood’s head got confused. How could he be that sure? Schpood was definitely closer to Wifies than Microghost was. Not to brag or anything, but Schpood was closer to Wifies than most people. So how did Microghost know this when Schpood didn’t? That fact pissed Schpood off for no reason. It sparked a burning feeling in his stomach… something like jealousy.
“How do you know that?”
Microghost shrugged and went back to his book. “Everyone knows, Schpood. If you have eyes, you know.”
“I have eyes and I don’t know!”
“Yeah, but you’re a dumb. Like dumb as fuck,” Microghost said, like he was stating something that had been known for a long time and was now just ordinary.
Schpood frowned. If Wifies wasn’t asexual or aromantic… did that mean there was someone he liked? Maybe that was why he’d turned down so many people… Everything was slowly starting to fall into place like puzzle pieces. But who could the person he liked even be?
Who could Wifies like?
Just the thought of it made his stomach turn and squeezed his heart.
...
Schpood:
Hey
Heyyy
Quick look
Wifi-es:
What
Yes, Schpood had saved Wifies in his phone as “Wifi-es.” Because he knew very well how much Wifies hated being called that. It was one of the very few things in this world that could drive the normally always-calm Wifies crazy, and Schpood felt like he wasn’t fulfilling the ultimate purpose of his existence on earth if he didn’t use it everywhere.
Schpood:
Are u free
Wifi-es:
For what
Schpood:
Just answer the question…
…Wifie
Wifi-es:
Im blocking you
Schpood:
Yoo chill
Why is everyone so tense today god
Wifi-es:
Sorry
having a bad day
Schpood:
What happened
Or did you fall down the stairs and break your neck??
Wifi-es:
Was that the first thing that came to your mind
Schpood:
Was it that obvious?
Schpood couldn’t help grinning stupidly at his phone. Wifies really could read him almost like an open book. Sometimes it was annoying, but most of the time Schpood found it comforting. Schpood was usually a very talkative person and always got misunderstood. But he never had that problem with Wifies. Because Wifies understood what he meant from his eyes before he even started talking.
Almost like soulmates.
That thought made Schpood’s cheeks burn a little and made him grip his phone tighter. Him and Wifies…
Then he immediately snapped out of it. Oh my God. He was acting like a goddamn high school girl.
Wifi-es:
Well yeah
Schpood:
Anyway
What happened
You looked pretty good yesterday
Wifi-es:
Did I look like that
Schpood:
Well at least at the beginning
Then you started lying on the grass like a corpse
Wifi-es:
Lolll
Schpood:
Anyway
Are you okay
Saying that made me worry
Schpood usually didn’t say emotional things to people. He wasn’t the type who liked getting emotional. Instead he showed his affection through jokes or implied words. That was his style. So normally he didn’t tell everyone “you made me worry.” But he had said it to Wifies. At least he thought he would be embarrassed after saying it. But he wasn’t. Only the feeling of worry was gnawing at his stomach.
Wifi-es:
Are you worried?
About me?
Wifies couldn’t believe he had said that either.
Schpood rolled his eyes and grumbled. Yes, after a long time he was saying something nice and no one believed him. He really needed to start his villain arc.
Schpood:
Well yeah why wouldn’t I
After all you’re
Uh
Wifi-es:
After all I’m what?
Schpood didn’t answer for a long time. Wifies… what was he to him?
They were definitely far from being ordinary friends; the relationship between the two of them was closer and more intimate. So much so that Wifies stayed at Schpood’s house almost three days a week. They even wore each other’s clothes sometimes.
And yet Schpood still didn’t know who Wifies liked–… Okay that was unnecessary.
What he meant was that Schpood had never met anyone before who understood him better, made him feel more special, and made him laugh more than Wifies did.
Wifi-es:
Did you drop your phone in the toilet?
Wifies complained about Schpood not answering him for so long.
Schpood:
Shut up
Like I would
Wifi-es:
Come on say it
After all what am I?
Schpood:
After all you’re important to me
So why wouldn’t I worry about you?
Wifies didn’t answer for a long time. The three dots at the bottom of the screen kept disappearing and then coming back. Wifies kept typing messages and then deleting them.
And no joke, after a full ten minutes of that, Wifies finally answered. Schpood had gotten bored waiting for Wifies’s reply and had started making himself tea. While pouring hot water into the tea glass with one hand, he looked at Wifies’s message with the other.
Wifi-es:
Uh okay
Schpood grumbled. He thought for ten minutes and decided to just say “Uh okay.” Schpood thought Wifies was a complete idiot. But he also found the move cute and couldn’t help smiling a little.
Wifi-es:
By the way why did you ask if I was free in the first place?
Schpood:
Well I was going to ask if you wanted to come over to my place
I found a new movie for you
Since you don’t like romance movies I found a war movie this time
It’s called Midway
Wifi-es:
Me not liking romance movies doesn’t mean I like war movies
Schpood:
You’re so hard to please
So what
You’re not coming?
Wifi-es:
I’m just kidding
Of course I’m coming
When have I ever skipped our movie nights :]
He was right. Wifies never skipped movie nights. Even on the days Schpood forgot, he would suddenly appear at his door. No matter how surprised Schpood was by him showing up on the days he forgot, he had never turned Wifies away from the door. He had opened the door for him. – Actually he couldn’t even remember when he had first given Wifies his address–
Before meeting Wifies there was no one around him who was as interested in movies and musicals as he was. And that was pretty terrible for Schpood. Because Schpood’s biggest passion was cinema. And not having anyone to talk about it with was also sucks. Sometimes after watching a movie he was so hungry to talk about it that he talked to himself or went onto movie review sites and wrote his own opinions.He had even had his account closed a few times because he replied very aggressively to comments he didn’t like on the site.
But then he met Wifies. And when he had called him his soulmate just now he really hadn’t been exaggerating at all.
Even in their first conversation everything had developed so comfortably and naturally that for a moment Schpood had thought Wifies had been his friend for years. Schpood normally had a hard time making new friends. Because his personality could be quite capricious and complicated. He was also always nervous talking to new people. Something really stupid could come out of his mouth at any moment.
But it wasn’t like that with Wifies. He didn’t even know how to explain it. It was like everything was exactly as it was supposed to be, almost God’s plan. They matched each other so well that they almost never had any hesitation about each other.
Normally the two of them had completely opposite personalities. At least that’s what someone looking from the outside would say. But they had more in common than it seemed. They both hated getting up late in the mornings, they didn’t like strong coffees, they liked guessing what would happen at the end of a movie more than the beginning, and they could barely watch even a one-hour short movie in three hours.
Because both of them paused almost every minute to talk about that scene. Sometimes they tried to understand it from a cinematic angle and the director’s point of view. Sometimes even Schpood himself couldn’t believe it. He was a film student but Wifies was at least as knowledgeable about cinema as he was. He knew the names of the scene transitions that were made, he knows the color palettes edited in the scene, even the shooting methods. He was more knowledgeable than most of the students in Schpood’s department.
Schpood:
dont use emojis like that
I can’t take you seriously
Wifi-es:
:3
;)
:\
:7
:0
:O
Schpood:
Are you coming or not
It’s getting late
You can’t drive without your glasses when it gets dark
Wifi-es:
Are you worried about that too?
Seriously what happened to you today
Schpood:
Am I lying
You left your glasses at my place the other day
Wifi-es:
Right right
Schpood:
Did you leave them on purpose
Wifi-es:
See you
can’t text while driving
Schpood:
🖕