Chapter Text
It was 11:57 on a Tuesday night when Kellin's phone started ringing.
She groaned and rolled over on her bed, pushing the math worksheets over to the side. The room was dark except from the glow of her phone.
The phone read Vic's name. Of course. Who else could possibly be calling her at this hour?
Kellin smiled and rolled her eyes. She'd been thinking about Vic a lot, actually, and she had gotten very good at not examining that feeling too closely.
She picked up the phone. "Hey Vic, what's up?"
"Hey Kells," A pause. Kellin could hear him audibly swallowing. "I need to tell you something. I've been thinking about this for a while and…"
Kellin sat up straight immediately against the headboard, she could feel her heart almost jumping out of her chest. God, is this it? Vic's going to ask me out. It has to be that, right? She held her phone impossibly hard and squeezed her eyes shut. Finally, finally - What do I say? I might have liked you since freshman year and I'm totally normal about it. Totally.
In the span of 5 seconds, she had already thought about how she was going to answer and how she'd have to play it cool, how she'd casually say, yeah, sure I'll go out with you like it didn't mean a thing, even though her palm were already sweating.
"Yeah?" she said. Her voice almost came out as a squeak. "What is it?"
Vic let out a long, shaky breath over the phone.
"Kellin, I…I think I'm a girl."
The words landed in Kellin's bedroom quietly.
"I mean, think isn't really the right word, I've known this for a while, but I just -" Vic was speaking impossibly fast, "I don't know how to say it. I don't know if I'm a girl exactly, or if I'm non-binary, I'm still trying to figure that part out but I'm not - I don't feel like a boy. I feel like I've just been pretending to be one all these years, and I just -"
Vic kept going, and Kellin didn't interrupt. She just sat there, her mind blank, nodding as Vic speaks, even though he couldn't see her.
Kellin's hands moved faster than her brain could, and before she knew it, her thumb was already hovering over the keyboard, screen bright and blinding in the dark, typing one-handed, poorly: what does it mean when your best friend says he's a girl.
Google loaded. She scrolled through the results quickly. Transgender. Gender identity. What to say when someone comes out to you.
Kellin panicked. How was she supposed to remember all of this before Vic stops talking and expects her to say something back?
"- I know this is a lot, and I'm sorry for dumping all of this on you, it's literally midnight right now, but I just really needed to tell someone who wouldn't - "
"Vic."
Vic stopped.
Kellin's heart was still beating fast, but it didn't have anything to do with the date she thought Vic was going to ask her on anymore. It was something bigger and stranger. "Thanks for telling me." She managed to let out.
Silence.
"You're not - "
"No, no, of course not", Kellin frowned, sitting up even straighter, "you're my best friend. There's nothing you can do that would make me hate you, if - if that's what you mean."
She closed the tab that said "What to Say When Someone Comes Out to You". Fuck, I'm just gonna wing this. "And If I'm being honest, I don't…really know much about this kind of stuff," she scratched her head awkwardly, "But I want to. I want to know. And I'm sorry if you ever felt like you had to keep this from me."
There was a sound on the other end that could have been either a small laugh or a sob.
"Okay, that's - that's good." Vic said, Kellin could hear the smile in his voice.
"Can I ask you something?" Kellin asked cautiously.
"Yeah?"
"What do you want me to call you, like - do I still refer to you as he or do you want me to say she?"
Vic went quiet for a second. "I think he and him for now should be fine," he swallowed again, "because, you know - I haven't told anyone else and I don't want everyone knowing. Not right now. But she, eventually. I hope." His voice slowly softened as he finished the sentence. "Is that okay?"
"Of course it's okay. This isn't about me, you know," Kellin chuckled, "it's about you."
"Yeah, you're right," Vic let out a sigh, "It's just - it's weird. Saying it out loud for the first time."
"Yeah, I get that." Kellin paused. "So…anything else you want to tell me? Anything on your mind lately?"
"You're really just going to sit here and listen to me vent?" Vic snickered.
"I don't have anything else to do."
"You've got a test tomorrow."
"Good point. But I'll fail it. For you."
Kellin could almost feel Vic rolling his eyes affectionately on the other end. Her heart swelled a little at the thought.
"You're an idiot."
"Well, yeah, but you love me anyway."
Oh, fuck.
Kellin didn't realize what she'd said until it was already out. She didn't know why it hit her like that - it wasn't like they hadn't said things like this before. She froze and squeezed her eyes tightly shut, phone pressed to her ear, waiting for Vic to laugh it off, to pretend he didn't hear it, or worse - an awkward silence.
But that didn't come.
"Yeah, I do." Vic's voice was soft, as he let out a small chuckle.
Kellin could feel her face starting to burn. God, she had been so good at ignoring her feelings.
"Dumbass," she said the first thing that came to mind.
"That's what I get?" Vic gasped, pretending to be offended, "that's what I get for saying something nice?"
Kellin stuck her tongue out.
"Whatever. So what else? What else are you changing? Or keeping?"
Vic talked. He talked about his hair, how he always wanted it longer but had never let himself to grow it out. About his clothes, how he'd always stop before the women's section in the store and silently walk away. About his name, and perhaps changing it to Victoria one day. About how he looked in the mirror every day and wished it was a girl that was staring back.
Kellin just sat there and listened. And at some point, she realized she was smiling. Because Vic was telling her this, trusting her with something he had never told anyone else. And because Vic was willing to show his true self to her, for the first time.
"God, that was a lot," Vic said at the end, his voice tired, "I shouldn't have kept you up this late."
"I wasn't going to sleep anyway," Kellin laughed, "but, yeah. I'm really glad you told me. Do you want to go to sleep now?"
"Yeah, I think. It's like, almost 1 am."
"Okay." Kellin stopped for a second, "You're still you to me, you know that, right? Nothing has changed. You're just, more you now."
Vic laughed softly. "Yeah, I know. Good night, Kells."
"Good night," Kellin said. She felt like she should say something else. To reassure Vic. She pondered for a second, and landed on, "I love you…girl."
Vic went silent for a second, and then burst out laughing. Not a soft, tired one, instead it was loud and definitely caught off-guard.
"Oh my god, could you be more cringe? That was so - girl?" Vic wheezed. "You sounded like you wanted to say dude and just panicked."
"I didn't mean to!" Kellin yelled, her entire face was red now, "I was trying to be supportive."
"You were being weird," said Vic, still laughing. "I knew you wanted to say dude. You've always said dude! And you know what, that's fine, that's genuinely fine. It'll be weirder if you just dropped that completely. I'm not gonna break if you call me dude."
"I was trying not to do that," Kellin sighed in defeat.
"I know. That's what makes it funny," Vic giggled. "Anyway, I should really get to bed now. Good night."
"Good night, Vic. I'll see you tomorrow."
She hung up.
Kellin stared at the ceiling for a while, replaying the whole conversation in her head.
A thought crawled in. One that she didn't expect.
Since Vic's a girl now.
And I still like her.
Does that make me gay?
She didn't realise she said that out loud.
Huh.
It sounded stupid. She wasn't sure what she was, or what any of it meant. She didn't know if there was a word for it, or if she needed one. Kellin liked Vic as a boy, why should it change now that she was a girl? Vic was still Vic. Nothing had changed.
Kellin stared at the ceiling, smiling.
⠄･ ⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄
The circumstances under which Vic and Kellin met were far from ideal to say the least.
It was the first week of freshman year. Kellin was on her way to fourth period when she saw him.
Three seniors were clustered around a short boy near the lockers. Kellin recognized them - football players - of course.
It was a kid in her Chemistry class, but she'd never actually talked to him. He was small and skinny, with hair falling over his eyes, now with his back pressed against the lockers, shoulders hunched and desperately trying to turn his face away from the three guys cornering him. Kellin couldn't hear what they were saying, but she could see one of them starting to shove the poor kid and the fear in his eyes.
They were definitely not leaving.
Kellin stopped. Her feet reacted faster than her mind did, carrying her forward before she'd decided anything at all.
"Hey!" She said, voice slightly louder than usual.
"What does the little guy want?" One of the guys looked at her and smirked, then looking back at his friends, as if waiting for them to laugh.
"Nothing," she said casually, "just wondering why you guys are picking on a freshman."
"Mind your own business," the same guy said, narrowing his eyes.
"Why don't you mind yours?" Kellin shrugged, then turning to the kid, "you okay?"
"Hey." The senior stepped into her line of sight, blocking the kid from her view. "I'm talking to you. You got a problem?"
"No, you do," Kellin said, trying her best not to flinch, "three of you and one of him, that's kind of embarrassing,"
The guy's smirk dropped and walked towards her.
"You asked for this," he whispered through his teeth, then shoving Kellin onto the floor.
Kellin quickly got up and shoved him back with all the force she could muster.
She couldn't really remember anything after that. Noise and heat and the shock of her knuckles against the guy's cheekbones, and then his fist flying straight toward her chin. Someone grabbed her arm, a teacher was yelling, yet the short boy didn't even move, he was just staring at her, his big brown eyes filled with both fear and admiration.
"Go!" She yelled at the boy as she caught his eyes.
He went.
The last thing she felt before they were pulled apart was the split of her lip, sharp and warm.
───────
The detention was exactly what Kellin expected. White walls, bright lights, a teacher at the front of the room who clearly looked like she'd rather be anywhere else.
Her split lip still stung, but she didn't care.
She thought about that boy. She hoped he was okay.
The hour crawled. Kellin spent most of the time staring at the clock, counting as the seconds went by. When the bell finally rang, she stood up, grabbed her backpack, and walked out of the room.
She stopped at the door.
The boy was there. He was leaning on the wall across the detention room, with his hoodies' sleeves pulled down over his hands. He looked nervous, but at the same time it looked like he was trying hard to not come across as nervous. He straightened up when he saw Kellin.
"Hey," he said softly.
"Hey," Kellin blinked in surprise.
"I, uh, I waited for you," the boy said, fidgeting with his sleeves, "I just wanted to say thank you. For earlier."
Kellin gave him a small smile and shifted her backpack on her shoulder. "You don't have to thank me."
"But I wanted to," the boy said, his eyes sincere. "You have a split lip," he pointed out, looking guilty.
"Yeah."
"Does it hurt?"
"A little."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be," Kellin frowned, "you're not the one who hit me."
"I know, I just -" he stopped. "Anyways, I'm Vic."
"Kellin."
"Kellin," Vic repeated, "that's a cool name."
"Thanks, I actually picked it out myself," Kellin flashed a smile, "my real name is actually Kelly, but I've been going by Kellin since middle school."
"Oh," Vic said, surprised, "so are you a girl then? I'm sorry, I just thought you were a guy, I mean, with the hair and clothes and all, I mean, not that it matters -"
"It's fine," Kellin laughed, "happens all the time."
She got that a lot. The short hair, the hoodies, the way she stood with her back slightly hunched and her hands in her pockets. People looked at her and saw a boy, and usually she corrected them, because it often made things awkward if she didn't. But she didn't mind it, at all. In fact, if she was completely honest with herself, she kind of liked it.
"Those guys who were picking on you probably thought I was a guy too, or else they might have gone easier on me," Kellin chuckled.
Vic stared at her with that guilty look again.
They were silent for a long moment. Then Vic said, very quietly, "Nobody's ever done that for me before."
"Well, now someone has."
Vic looked at her again. Then he smiled, the corner of his mouth tugging just slightly upwards.
"Thanks again. For helping me."
"Don't mention it."
They stood there for another second. Then Vic said, "Do you want to - I don't know. Walk? I mean, I don't know if you have to catch a bus or whatever, but -"
"Sure," Kellin said, grinning.
So they walked together.
And they did every day after that.
Something slowly settled in Kellin's chest she couldn't quite name.
⠄･ ⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄
Over the next two years, that feeling never really went away.
Her friendship with Vic was the easiest one she'd ever had. Vic treated her like one of the guys, and Kellin meant that in the best way possible. Vic didn't do the thing other guys did, where they would get all quiet and awkward around her, even though there were no fundamental differences between her and their other guy friends, were there?
Vic just talked to her, joked around with her, elbowed her when they walked together and stole fries from her tray at lunchtime, texted her at 2 am about nothing at all.
It was easy because she never felt like Vic looked at her like she was a girl that he had to treat differently. Kellin didn't even know how to explain that, exactly, even to herself. But it just felt natural to just be herself around Vic.
Just one of the guys.
Kellin thought about that phrase way more than she should have. She liked it, she didn't know why, but she just knew that Vic looked at her and saw a girl that was no different from a boy, and she liked being seen that way. She never let herself think about it too hard.
But there was also the other thing. The stupid thing that made her heart skip a beat every time Vic laughed at her jokes. The thing she felt the first time they walked home together.
She had always liked Vic. Not that it mattered. They were best friends, and perhaps it was better that way.
But she liked the way Vic made her hands sweat and her brain short-circuit. She wanted to be with Vic all the time but at the same time she wanted to run away. She liked Vic in a way that she didn't have a word for, either.
And now even though Vic had come out to her as a girl, it didn't really complicate things at all. Girls like boys and boys like girls or whatever bullshit that was, Kellin never felt like that applied to her and Vic. She was happy that Vic was a girl, and she was happy that Vic trusted her this much.
There were more questions she needed to ask herself, but for right now, this was enough.