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Subaru could only blame himself if he had to ask himself “How did he get here?”.
No, really. In a relatively nice inn, sleeping on the clean sheets of a double bed. Usually, he would cuddle with Beatrice and use her warmth to fall asleep, but she had gone to rest with Emilia. But, it wasn't like he was sleeping alone—The other half of the bed was occupied by none other than Julius Juukulius, the Finest of Knights, fast asleep at an uncomfortable distance from Subaru.
Or at least, used to be Finest—That’s what Julius would think, after losing his name, and becoming an existence forgotten by the world. A self-proclaimed knight. As much as he had a habit of hiding his own feelings and acting unbothered, it was clear that his whole sense of identity was at stake; A tragedy that was difficult to recover from, a violation of his very being that had him silently agonizing and losing sleep over.
Subaru noticed, after all. On these long nights where the moon and the remnant embers of the fireplace were their only companions, Julius would silently leave the carriage to take walks and spend the night outside. The boy, the only other one left awake, could only awkwardly watch over him from a distance in case anything happened—He didn't have any words to comfort Julius with, after all. He would just watch whenever he could, make sure he wouldn't expose himself by falling asleep in odd places, and hurry up to sleep whenever the handsome knight seemed like he was ready to go back to bed.
It was just pure concern—Subaru wasn't a stalker…! He couldn't even see what Julius did half the time because of the carriage’s blind spots, and sometimes he would go pretty far from it as well. If he was a deep sleeper like Emilia, then he wouldn't have cared. It wasn't his fault he was such a light sleeper. It was Julius’ fault for waking up while Subaru was still awake.
He still remembered when his heart jumped out of his chest when Julius almost caught him scratching his arm and picking at his skin. Fortunately, he was too disconcerted by his own problems to notice the smell of blood. Subaru ought to be more careful.
But when they had reached a town relatively close to Mirula, but not close enough to ignore the fatigue and keep going, Julius appeared to have cracked under the physical and mental fatigue, almost collapsing in broad daylight were it not for Emilia being the first one to react and catch him from behind.
“—Julius!” Subaru and Eridna had approached quickly, at first not realizing what had happened. Fortunately, he hadn't fallen unconscious, but it was obvious that the lack of sleep had gotten to him, black circles marring his beautiful face.
“I’m fine. Apologies for having to worry about me.” The purplehead slowly stood up trying to retain his knightly stance, yet still tilting oddly as he stood.
“Apologies, my ass. Julius, don't be annoying and get some sleep. I know well enough that you’ve barely gotten any rest for, like, half the trip. I’m enough of a dead weight, we don't need a second one.” Subaru flapped his lips in a rude manner like second nature, hoping that his days of having to follow the handsome man with his eyes will end. Almost everyone shot Subaru with looks of pity, and he wasn't exactly sure why.
“I concur. The men here are supposed to be the strong ones, the knights, not the damsels in distress,” Ram added, her tongue sharp as ever. “Though one of them is the pea princess of the group already. I don't know why Ram is even expecting anything anymore.”
“Hey!! I know I’m weak, but I don't get bruises from a pea…!” Of course, Ram could only possibly know about the Princess and the Pea from Subaru himself—He would always tell his homeland’s fairytales to Beatrice, Garfiel, Petra, and sometimes Meili too. Ram seemed to have taken an interest in them, so she was around for most.
“Onii-san is so weak~He might as well…” Meili rubbed salt on the wound, seemingly uncaring about the whole situation.
“A-N-Y-W-A-Y!! Let's rent out some rooms at an inn. Today's road has been exhausting, so everyone could benefit from some rest, not just Julius. Is this fine? We’re not giving Julius any special treatment. Everyone's tired.”
Julius softened his originally complicated expression, seemingly more convinced of the idea. What a bastard, unwilling to be a little weak around others. He was dealing with his wounds all by himself, and that was likely why he was losing so much sleep, too.
Subaru was the same. It would be pathetic to mention how many times he woke up with bile in his mouth, a scream stuck behind his teeth and his fingernails already dug in his itching skin. But, sleeping with Beatrice made things easier. At the very least, there was physically someone there. Someone to hold his hand, someone to embrace him when he felt cold and alone. So…
“... If it makes you feel better, I’ll sleep with you, Julius.”
“...”
Everyone snapped their necks in his direction with wide eyes, except Emilia.
“Pervert.”
“How!?”
“I see! Like you sleep with Beatrice, right?” Emilia put her hands together, seemingly the only one to understand the idea. “I sleep with her sometimes too, she's rea~lly cuddly! It really makes you feel less lonely.”
Subaru nodded, and everyone seemed like a misunderstanding had been cleared.
“Of course Beako is the best one to cuddle with, Emilia-tan. But I’m not giving her to Julius in a million years, so he'll have to settle with the ugly version.”
“... Why you, specifically? Julius is my knight.” Eridna asked, as if wary of something.
Stupid spirit. Like he'd ever trust Echidna, or a fox that takes her name, for that matter. Subaru wouldn't leave her alone with Julius by any means, but he couldn't tell her that out loud.
“Well, you know. It’d be inappropriate for a knight to sleep with his liege, and all that. Get married first!” Subaru wagged his finger, hoping that kind of thing worked. He wasn't lying, either. If he’d do that kind of deed, his body is only for Emilia to have. After marriage, preferably!! Even if it would realistically never happen.
“So Natsuki-kun can call that inappropriate, but not yer wordin’… I would've thought ya wanted to do somethin’ like that with my knight, ya know.”
At Eridna’s words, Julius coughed into his white glove, his ears red. “Anastasia-sama…”
“—That’s what you thought I wanted to do!? Ewww!!! Never! We’re both men, you know!! I’m saving myself for one girl only!!” Subaru pouted as he crossed his arms. That fox really was stupid. With that irritatingly handsome dumbass, out of everyone. How absurd! Just imagining those toned muscles pinning him down on a bed just…!! Nevermind, the exhaustion was getting to Subaru, too. He would do better to stop thinking about it.
The knight seemed a little disappointed, though. Probably because they kept chatting instead of letting him rest at an inn.
The discussions were taken fully seriously. The girls sorted themselves out with the pairings, Beatrice staying with Meili, Ram with Rem, and Emilia with Eridna. Though the pairing discussion was something Subaru brought up for Julius, Emilia considered that it’d be cheaper if two people occupied one room, if no one was uncomfortable with the idea.
As a matter of course, Subaru shared a room with Julius. It was, well, very awkward. He could only stretch around the room for a bit after taking a hot shower to clean off the dirt and sweat, trying to stall for time. The purple haired knight was already in bed wearing his pajamas, with his hair strands ethereally spread on the pillow, his tired golden eyes gazing directly at Subaru.
“... Aren't you coming to bed, Subaru? You’ve been stretching for fifteen minutes already.”
Subaru swallowed nothing. He was the one who brought the idea up, but when Eridna told him it sounded inappropriate, he started to feel tense all over. He didn't feel that way over that bastard! He didn't! But…
It felt entirely different from cuddling with Beatrice. He never slept with another person in bed, except for his mom when he was super young, much less another man. That was all. Not even his dad was that close. He started to regret that he proposed the idea, and internally cursed the innkeeper for not having separate beds.
“Just go to sleep without me, would ya? I’ll come over soon.” The boy replied in a brash tone, avoiding eye contact.
Julius seemed to make a sad puppy face at those words. That handsome bastard, exploiting his good looks.
“Even though you proposed the idea so I could fall asleep and recover…” Julius seemed to want to make a snarky remark, but that already depleted energy quickly died, leaving only hollowness.
“I… I can't fall asleep. Like you and Emilia-sama have said, maybe some company could help.” Even his embarrassed face looked good. Well, the way he said it seemed a bit pathetic. Served him right. It probably took a lot out of him to be that direct with Subaru.
Hmph, of course Subaru would help anyone when they looked that pathetic. Most of all, he understood Julius’ plight most, as someone who often had trouble falling and staying asleep as well.
“... Fine. But don’t think of doing anything weird!! I’ll scream, you know!”
“I don't know what you're thinking, Subaru, but I would never do such a terrible thing.”
Subaru knows he wouldn't. But it wasn't about Julius, it was about himself. It was hard to share a sleeping space, a vulnerable place, with someone unfamiliar. Beatrice and Naoko are different—They’re family. Even with Beatrice, it took both of them a little to get used to it. But, Julius isn't family. They weren't even friends. They were something… Infinitely more annoying. Even though he was the one who proposed it, he found himself to be a coward who couldn’t share a space with people he felt he couldn’t be weak around.
If anything, there was the last resort of just taking the pillow and sleeping on the floor. It was rather cold and unpleasant, but it was a reliable choice nonetheless. But Julius would start thinking he’s the issue, so he couldn’t just do that. So, Subaru put himself in bed, but it wasn't hard to notice he had curled himself up in a corner of the bed opposite to Julius, which had created an awkward silence that lasted for a while.
“Subaru…”
“—Good night.”
“Isn't it uncomfortable to sleep on the edge of the bed like that?”
“I’ve slept in rougher conditions. Why do you care?”
“... Just, I don't see how this is the kind of companionship you described between yourself and Beatrice-sama, is all.” The handsome knight pouted.
Why did Julius seem so oddly excited about it? Subaru did say he would be his ugly cuddle support, but still. Subaru bet he was all boney and uncomfortable. Lightly biting his tongue, Subaru turned around and scooted over to the middle of the bed, spreading his arms towards the purple head with a flustered, yet frowning expression.
“Since you seem to want this so much, try it yourself and be met with disappointment.”
Julius made a weird face, the kind of face he’d tease Emilia for, but was annoying to see on him. Subaru’s face turned even more red as Julius accepted the offer and put himself in the black-haired boy’s arms, wrapping his own firm arms around Subaru’s thin waist.
——What the hell, he actually did it!? Eh? Huh???? No, no, no, that kind of thing… Wasn’t he supposed to think that it’s weird? Embracing so tightly in bed, that’s… That’s like a couple, isn’t it!? Is he going to do anything weird? Please don’t do anything weird!
But at the same time, he didn't want to be an additional source of distress for Julius. Subaru had brought up this entire thing originally so he could recover his sleep, at least a little bit. Truthfully, if Julius was the kind of terrible man that would take advantage of him, he wouldn't scream. After all, he could only understand that a man could only vent his stress somewhere, and Subaru would have to help, somehow, even if his collection of flesh would be ripped away from him. Subaru was accustomed to leaving behind his meatbag for a greater purpose. His life was almost always reduced to nothing by the whims of another, so this wouldn’t be any different. Not because he even imagined the possibility of Julius being awful in that way, but because Subaru was willing to fulfill any role given to him for everyone’s sake. That was all.
Big hands were firmly held onto Subaru’s back, as if afraid that he would disappear if they let go. Distance was practically nonexistent, clearly feeling the knight’s heat as if it were his own. It kind of reminded him of Nect, but less… Unpleasant. His purple hair had a nice scent due to the high quality shampoo offered in that inn, and, letting his arm fall around him, his sense of touch could tell just how much firmer and more suited to a man his build was compared to him.
As he thought, it was so, so much different than with Beatrice or Naoko. It was strange. The problem wasn’t Julius, it was Subaru. This kind of hug would be fine anywhere else. This kind of embrace would’ve been fine with Beatrice. This kind of touch should’ve always been fine anywhere with anyone he knew, but it wasn’t.
If he had to name what he didn’t like, it was that Julius’ head was resting right by his heart, hearing his heartbeats, looking like he would be able to tell all of his feelings, worries, guilt…
Like he would be capable of caressing, squeezing and playing with his heart any time he wanted. Just like those shadow hands.
Julius knew it was unseemly, but he wasn’t capable of hesitating. After all, right now, Natsuki Subaru was the only proof for Julius Juukulius’ existence. Tightly holding onto that, taking in all the warmth emanating from his fellow spirit knight’s body, drawing safety from it all.
It hadn’t been that long since Julius Juukulius had been forgotten by the world. He could no longer confidently call himself the Finest of Knights anymore, much less a knight altogether. He couldn’t even remember, let alone save, his own younger brother. Those wasted nights caused by his inability to sleep were spent pointlessly walking, pointlessly shedding tears where no one saw him, pointlessly doing nothing with himself. And now, he was dragging everyone down with his lack of sleep, exchanged for nothing. That was why, he had to at least hold on to Subaru’s idea, the only one who still remembered who he was’ idea, to hold onto his only anchor to reality, his only anchor to who he was, to who he used to be.
It was unlike him. It was unknightly. Even so, he felt like he could not let go, holding onto the younger knight’s very being like a lifeline.
Even without that reasoning, he had once heard from Lady Anastasia that sleeping with a close someone would improve sleep quality. It wasn’t a false statement. With his ear stuck to Subaru’s chest, the steady rhythm lulled Julius into a state of sleep he wasn’t able to fall into for a while.
Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum.
Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum.
Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum.
Ba-dum.Ba-dum.Ba-dum.Ba-dum.Ba-dum.
Ba-dum.Ba-dum.Ba-dum.Ba-dum.Ba-dum.
Ba-dumBa-dumBa-dumBa-dumBa-dumBa-dumBa-dumBa-dumBa-dumBa-dumBa-dumBa-dumBa-dumBa-dumBa-dumBa-dumBa-dumBa-dumBa-dumBa-dumBa-dumBa-dumBa-dum
“...Subaru?”
Julius was forcibly taken out of that lull with the sudden spike of his heart-rate and a sudden tremble, putting just a bit of distance between them by holding him by the shoulders so he could take a look at his face. He saw pitch black eyes, on the verge of tears and frozen in terror, his lips trembling as his tongue went stiff and his breaths rapid and shallow.
Thinking that it might’ve been because he was too sudden, he backed off and sat up in bed to give Subaru space, but the boy was still completely frozen in place, as if paralyzed. At the very least, he wasn’t completely unresponsive—His eyes were following Julius. The whole situation, frankly, startled him. He knew he was asking a bit much of Subaru even if he was the one who came up with the idea, but something had him paralyzed like that, and the knight did not know what.
“Subaru, what happened!? Can you answer?” Julius thought that maybe he needed to be anchored in reality, so he firmly held him by the shoulders again and lightly shook him, trying to make eye contact as he did so.
“Uu…uuunhh…” Subaru only moaned something incoherently, his pupils dilating even further as his trembling worsened and his breathing rhythm quickened even further. Making it obvious that the plan backfired, Julius quickly let go of him, cold sweat forming in his palms and the back of his neck as he tried to figure out a solution. What should he do? What happened to Subaru? Can this be fixed? Was it his fault? Should he wake up the others? Maybe Lady Beatrice, who always stuck with him? He didn’t know about this. He didn’t know how to handle this. But he couldn’t just leave Subaru like that. If he left right now to get the others, he’d leave him alone in this state. What to do? What could Julius even do? Envy had rotted away his heart, seeing how much more competent Subaru was. If the positions were reversed, Subaru surely would’ve known what to do. He was always so patient with everyone, with Julius, too.
He wasn’t stupid enough to not notice that Subaru would stay awake until Julius came back from his late night walks, patiently waiting for him to return safely. When the former knight would be in charge of nightwatch, Subaru would sometimes join in, just to check in and keep him distracted from the fact that he was no one anymore. Even now, despite seeming uncomfortable with the idea, he offered to be a sleep companion so he wouldn’t be alone.
And now, Julius was helpless, watching his friend’s body lay rigid on the bed, shallow and quick breaths and tears threatening to spill forbidding him from functioning.
It was then that Julius realized that he had been thrown in a panic, his ravaging feelings leaving him unable to actually help Subaru. With that in mind, he took slow breaths, calming himself.
——Focus. Subaru needs your help, right now. But, you don’t know how. Even so, he’s still looking at you.
Looking at his friend again, there wasn’t anything external. He was afraid to touch him again due to the risk of worsening his condition, but from what he could see, there were no wounds or signs of poisoning.
——Subaru… Is asking for help.
“Subaru, I’m… I’m here! So, it will be alright.” A false bravado. Julius lost all confidence, both people in the room knew. Even so, if that bravado helped even a little, if Subaru admired that image of his, then that was fine. “But I need your help as well. So, will you work with me to calm your breathing?”
“Ngh… Uu…” He seemed like he was trying to speak, but rather than an unwillingness to, he was unable to. Instead, he slowly nodded, at least attempting to relay that he’s listening. But his breathing wasn’t getting any better, even as he was trying to slow himself down, but Julius picked up on the fact that he just couldn’t.
——Perhaps, some guidance will work.
“Subaru, inhale slowly.”
Fortunately, Subaru was compliant on that part. It must’ve felt suffocating.
“One… Two… Three… Four. Now hold it in… One… Two… Three.. Four… Exhale slowly. One… Two… Three… Four. Good, again.”
Some of those breaths were skipped and had to be repeated all over again, but his stiff limbs were slowly relaxing, and Subaru seemed to slowly return to the present properly, which Julius could only sigh in relief at. However, he was still reluctant to move. Or perhaps, he still couldn’t. He thought of correcting his posture so he could breathe a little easier, but the shadows of Subaru growing worse when touched still lingered in the back of his mind.
“... Subaru, is everything alright now?”
The boy shook his head.
“... Can I sit you up so you can breathe a little easier?”
He shook his head again.
Julius just sat in that same position and kept silent for a good six or seven minutes, the only thing audible being Subaru’s still recovering breaths and sobs that tried their best to be quiet.
“...”
“...”
“...”
“... Just because I said you can’t touch me, that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to keep hearing your annoying voice.” The black-haired knight said groggily, his arms slightly trembling as he put his weight into them to slowly sit himself up. If his dark circles weren’t bad before, Subaru now looked absolutely exhausted, his face filled with snot and tears that barely started to dry.
“... Apologies… I… Because of me… You were clearly uncomfortable, but I pressured you, and…”
“—It wasn’t because of you. Don’t consider yourself so important, idiot Julius. I was already ashamed after you beat the shit out of me before, my shameful state right now has nothing to do with you. I’m not letting you shame me twice, so stop assuming things.” Subaru quickly wiped his face with his sleeve, trying to restore himself as much as he could with the fabric of his sleeve and no mirror.
"There was nothing shameful about this, Subaru. In my case, rather, it was terrifying; Seeing you like that, not knowing what was happening to you…” Julius fidgeted, admitting his helplessness. In response, Subaru averted his eyes, looking in a random dark corner of the room.
“... My body just does this sometimes. My nervous system is weak, just like me. I reminded myself of something unpleasant like an idiot, and it just happened.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Geez, stop apologizing already, I told you you had nothing to do with it! I should rather thank you, for…” Subaru’s ears went a little red, having to express gratitude to Julius. “For not leaving me alone, and helping me out. I would’ve probably completely shut down if I found myself alone like that, unable to move. Thank you.”
“... It was the least I could do. As I am now…”
“Tch, don’t bring yourself down like that, Julius. You were very reliable just now. I’ve scared you a lot, and you still managed to keep calm and help me out. You’re the same annoyingly strong guy as before, regardless of who you are now. The face of a deflated puppy doesn’t suit you at all.”
“Alright. I understand. Then, by tomorrow, I will be back to showing you the most annoying smug expressions I got.” Julius showed a small smile, finally allowing himself to relax.
“For that, you’ll need sleep.” Subaru looked at the moon through the window, and then at Julius. “I’ll need sleep, too. So I can be annoyed properly.”
So, they both lay down in bed, staring wide-eyed at the ceiling. Subaru was still quite disconcerted, and they were both scared of that freeze response happening again, so they had their own half of the bed, neither saying anything.
But that felt a little lonely to Subaru. So, he outstretched his hand and softly held Julius’ with it, his ears burning hot again.
“This much… Should be fine, I think.”
Julius felt his cheeks flush a little, returning the soft hold.
“This much… It's enough for me.”
Subaru found himself mindlessly staring with half lidded eyes at the moon through the window. He had fallen asleep for an unknown while, but his sleep was suddenly cut short for no particular reason. The raven-haired knight didn’t even have any nightmares, or anything. His hand was still in the purple haired knight’s firm grip, too.
His breathing was quiet and well paced, so the boy had come to the natural conclusion that he had fallen asleep—
“Subaru.”
A chill ran down Subaru’s spine. It was said in a concerningly monotone voice, like he had done something wrong. Well, Subaru did indeed do wrong. His body shutting down like that must’ve given Julius a real scare. He did sometimes have exaggerated reactions to the weirdest triggers, but he didn’t give the knight any forewarning about the possibility, driving him into a senseless panic as a result.
So, Julius might’ve thought about it more, and realized Subaru wasn’t worth his emotional distress. That he was sick of such a shameful, weak individual. Perhaps he wanted to cut him off, or say that he wanted to keep his distance. The knight already had way too much on his plate because of Gluttony, and he didn’t need a mentally unstable weirdo in his bed, holding his hand like they were a couple. In the first place, he was unbearably ugly compared to him. The beauty gap between them was too wide, so they wouldn’t look good in the first place. His insides were even nastier than the outside, so Julius really didn’t need to bother.
Subaru unconsciously gripped the man’s hand, and released it when he got to calm his anxieties down. He had to be the one to speak up first, clarify and dispel those anxieties. Julius was… He was kind to him. Subaru wanted to believe he wouldn’t cut him off for this, even if he deserved it.
So, he turned his head towards Julius, prepared to speak in rapid fire.
“Julius, after all, I should still apologize properly for—”
——Huh?
“Mm… Subaru…”
Julius was making an incredibly dumb smiling face in his sleep, calling out his name, which had the black-haired boy’s face stuck into disbelief.
“If you’re having any wet dreams, I’m killing you, you idiot knight.” Subaru pinched the knight’s nose with his free hand and amused himself with Julius’ frown, before snuggling closer to him and closing his eyes, finally managing to fall into a deep sleep.
It went without saying that Julius woke up next morning bright like a tomato, seeing the younger knight quietly asleep in his arms, like nothing even happened. He was taken aback by how this was the most peaceful expression he ever saw from Subaru, the sun’s rays emphasizing his cute face. Since his expression was often clouded by stress, it wasn’t often that one could see that the knight had quite the pretty looks.
But more than that, he was grateful that the both of them were able to get a deserved good night’s sleep. Those were to be treasured, after all.
——Perhaps we could do this again, sometime.
Julius thought such as he gently returned the embrace.