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sometimes watching a family full of married couples socialize was a bit much for both of them. so was listening to relative after relative ask who was still single, who was looking, why josh hadn't found someone, and what exactly had happened with debby, or where jenna was and why tyler never brought her around anymore. this was typical. which was why it was also fairly typical to find each other here. why josh wasn't surprised when tyler claimed his place beside him, in their usual spot about five feet or so from the water, and fell into conversation. just like always. and if every other time before proved a reliable basis, josh figured they'd have about an hour, two hours tops, before someone realized they'd skipped out.
so here they were. quiet little hideout they'd made their own, back when it was just tyler and josh, not twenty one pilots. back when they were still trying to figure things out and needed the space to do it. though, josh noted, they'd never needed the space from each other.
"i can practically hear you shivering, take it." tyler placed his jacket in josh's lap before he could say more. josh toyed with the zipper for a moment before obliging, he knew tyler wouldn't drop it, and the thought alone made him feel warmer.
he couldn't help but feel a little special, he knew tyler wouldn't push mark or brad or any of their other friends the way he always did with josh, always making sure he was alright in some way or another. josh pretended he didn't know that was just something best friends did.
for once, watching the water wasn't helping things much. he wrapped his arms around himself and lay back, decided to give the sky a chance. tyler followed suit.
josh broke the silence, "what do you want?" nothing from tyler, josh knew he wasn't making sense. knew this was exactly the kind of questioning tyler was escaping by coming here. but this was different, it wasn't intrusive relatives, it was them, it was josh. he hoped tyler sensed that.
"do you want a girl?" he wasn't usually so straightforward but he was tired of wondering, of not knowing if he was wasting his time. he barely made out tyler's whispered no over the water.
a few seconds passed before tyler returned the question and josh only shook his head, though he wasn't sure tyler could see, or if he was even looking in the older boy's direction.
seconds felt like years and josh was tempted to glance at tyler. he wondered if tyler could tell he wanted to talk, that there was a point to his question, wondered if he was suspicious. he risked a look in tyler's direction, searching for some way to change the subject, but found it difficult to say anything with tyler's face now mere centimeters from his own, eyes trained on him.
josh's breath caught in his throat, the words lodged behind it.
"do you want a guy?" tyler was asking now, his tone much less unsure, and josh knew he was toying with him, testing the waters. he'd always been bolder than josh.
josh remembered to breathe, shuffled through his memories for a time they were ever this close before. he'd been in close proximity with tyler, they'd fallen asleep with so little space between them josh could feel tyler's breath on his skin, but this this was different. this wasn't a sleeping position they'd happened to fall into in the middle of the night, this was a calculated decision on tyler's part to be close to josh.
arms still wrapped around himself, josh fisted his hands in the too-long sleeves of tyler's jacket, he remembered when tyler had bought it, how he'd scowled at josh for laughing, he remembered exactly how his voice had sounded, i bought it too big on purpose, shut up. how his fake anger always gave way to reluctant smiles because he could never stay mad at josh, even in pretending. another thing that made josh feel special.
"josh?" he wasn't sure if it was tyler's voice or the shock of cold skin that jolted him out of his thoughts, but josh was suddenly incredibly aware of the fact that tyler was lying there, the tip of his nose grazing his own, waiting for an answer josh knew the younger boy already had.
the intelligent reply of "sort of" barely left his lips before tyler's brushed them, and josh couldn't remember when he closed his eyes or when tyler's hands slipped under the fabric of his own jacket but the details all seemed very far away now, details he should be concerned with, like how long they'd already been here and who might be missing them. but he couldn't be bothered to focus on anything outside of tyler at the moment, didn't have time to think about how his imagination had never quite measured up to this feeling, how his mind never did this moment justice, as many times as he'd played it over and over. he'd never quite captured the weight of tyler's fingers pressing into his waist or the slowly climbing pace of their breathing, or the effect such seemingly minor things would have on either of them.
he was too warm, despite the gradually dropping temperature, despite freezing lips finding their way to his jaw, neck, collarbones, and all josh's energy was spent on breathing and keeping his grip on tyler, tyler, who'd at some point ended up above josh, elbows braced on either side of him, and josh felt safe. he regained a little control over his thoughts then, safe safe safe, and the quick, frenzied chaos of hands and lips and teeth descended into slow desperation. josh was so afraid of this ending, afraid of everything it could and couldn't mean, and didn't want tyler to stop long enough to think it over and change his mind. he'd spent too long needing this, he didn't want it to be quick. he wanted to take his time and memorize what he could, just in case, so next time his imagination could do a better job. but tyler pulled away, and a pathetic noise of protest slipped out of josh's throat, to his chagrin.
tyler watched him, expression shifting from want to worry. he studied josh, still close enough to feel his rapid breathing, fingers still tangled in fading pink hair. one hand moved to frame the side of josh's face, thumb tracing a line across his cheek, and josh hated himself for this. his eyes shut instinctively, his breath caught around the lump in his throat, and if he thought about this too much, about how he'd let his emotions get the best of him, how he'd let tyler see, he knew it would stay there and he'd be subjected to something far more humiliating than breaking down in the middle of a makeout session.
though maybe breaking down was a stretch, in truth the few tears that slipped out in the midst of the one thing josh had promised himself he'd never ruin if he had the chance didn't merit such dramatics, but it might as well have been a breakdown, miserable as it was. "hey," tyler's voice was too soft and josh's throat constricted. it wasn't a hey how are you or a hey that was amazing, it was a hey it's okay, breathe, calm down, i'm here, and josh couldn't handle comfort right now, not in this state. he shook his head, fingers tightening in the fabric of tyler's too-thin sweater, josh never should've taken his jacket, it was so cold. something, josh thought, tyler would scoff at if he'd said it out loud. josh felt small.
tyler tried again, "did i do-"
"please don't let that be it." he opened his eyes, his voice was so quiet and raw he didn't know if tyler heard him.
tyler blinked at him silently for a second, and josh didn't give him a chance to question him. "i just need," he dropped his eyes to tyler's throat, his sweater, anything but his eyes. "i need you to not go yet."
tyler's thumb was still tracing a steady back and forth pattern on josh's cheek, despite the fact it was dry now, and his eyes were still trained on the boy below him. josh could practically feel his concern, his sympathy, for what had caused everything to come to an abrupt halt. tyler had seen him like this before, it was nothing out of the ordinary. but everything felt new now. the sound of his name made josh look up, finally meet tyler's eyes.
they watched each other for a moment, tyler's eyes a mix of caution and something else josh couldn't place. but tyler's smile was so small josh wondered if he imagined it, "why would i go anywhere?" josh only looked up at him, mouth half-open but mind frozen mid-thought.
tyler detached one of josh's hands from his shoulder. josh's hands had been rooted in the fabric of tyler's sweater, and tyler's lips were cold, stung against the warm skin of his palm, sent a chill through his skin deep into his bones, but josh wasn't complaining. this was a much different kind of cold than before, and his hands shook for reasons other than the temperature. he breathed a half-hearted laugh, his throat still ached but he decided instead to focus on tyler, on the hand still caressing his cheek and the eyes still studying him with fond curiosity. as much as he wanted to believe tyler, josh's thoughts were laced with uncertainty.
"that's not it," as if tyler could read his mind, "i'm staying," threaded his fingers through josh's, "i want more than that," clearly grasping for anything to say that could calm him down.
the fingers of tyler's free hand traced a line across josh's lower lip and the doubt began to slip from josh's mind. tyler studied him again with a slightly amused expression. no, not amused, josh thought, but happy? he hoped it was happy.
"pretty," tyler mused, seemingly more to himself than to josh. josh hoped tyler couldn't feel the heat of his skin at that little comment. tyler felt the corner of josh's mouth turn upwards, the rise and fall of his chest becoming steady again. and he didn't have the chance to ask if everything was okay before josh hooked a finger in the neck of his sweater and tugged him back down.