Chapter Text
Keith:
Lance got a major blow to his side hours earlier- and I’m expected to do absolutely nothing… I’m just sitting here- on the ledge of my bed, elbows on my knees, and hands covering my face like a loser.
I feel like a loser; I could’ve lost the boy to the gunshot.
I'm so useless right now.
I could be doing something right now.
Ever since Lance blacked out during the mission, I haven’t been able to get the image of him standing there out of my head. I haven’t been able to get the image of him in my arms, covered in blood, and passed out from the loss of the red fluid. Why did he decide to stay where he did without moving at all. He stared at the gun pointed at him- yet, he still did nothing.
It’s like he wanted to get shot.
Does he want to die? I don’t know why he stood there. I don’t know why he might possibly want to die. All I know is that I need to find the answer to those questions- and I need to find the answers before he hurts himself more.
Lance thinks I don’t see the mask- but I do. Seeing it there just makes me want to reveal and see what he is hiding so that I can help him. I want to help him- no. I need to help him so that we can hang out together like how we did before he started getting gloomy.
Lance isn’t even able to see that he’s worrying the team lately. He doesn’t seem to be able to notice the amount of times and the way everyone is asking if he’s ok. He doesn’t appear to see how much I care for his well being.
I transition from sitting on the edge of my bed to lying down on my back. My tired eyes, covered by my hands as I exasperatingly sigh out into nothing
I don’t know why I care so much about this. This kind of thing is usually something I don’t pay too much mind to- but this is different. I’m not on Earth anymore. This is Lance we’re talking about. We’re meant to be a team, and it’s important to help take care of everyone here as defenders of the universe. I care about Lance and don’t want him to feel the same kind of alone I felt all those years ago. He deserves to be happy.
Things may be tough for him right now, but I know he can make it through this. He just needs the assistance out of his sorrows that I never had.
It’s going to be a little rough and I’m going to have to ask Lance about what happened on the mission from earlier anyways. Even if he doesn’t open up- it’s at least worth a try to get him to talk…
I never ate food when I headed to the training deck earlier. I’ve been fighting different levels of the bots alone on an empty stomach for a few hours by this point. Originally, I came here to attempt getting my mind off the incident that happened long ago today, but after a while I only did it to waste time.
There's no way to know when the skills will need to be used next. There's no way to know if I may die the next time I fight for the sake of this war. I need to spend my time wisely, trying to get better so that the moment it comes- to go like my father did- won't occur as soon.
The red tank-top adorning my figure is has long past absorbed my sweat and it smells of proof I’ve been working out. My hair is slick with the same stickiness covering the rest of my body. The door to the deck stands behind me as I lean heavily against it, with my black sweat towel draped lazily around my neck while I contemplate what to do next.
I need to shower. I'm disgusting from working out so long.
A snack could suffice after I take my shower... I’ll probably grab leftovers- if there is any from any dinners Hunk cooked. I was so focused on beating the shit out of the bots with anger, that I'd lost track of time and had forgotten to head to eat. No one came in and gave me any reminders to eat with them today, it's supprising to say the least. Probably done for the better though- my mind's been disoriented all day and the others likely sensed it too.
I press my hands firmly against the door and push myself off it, stumbling for the sliver of a moment. As I regain my balance I look to my right and start heading down that direction to my room.
The thought of food, after not having much if it today, hangs on my mind and pushes me to walk faster as I head to my room to shower. All of that training I did must've burned off the energy from lunch and the juice pouch I drank after I got back to the castle stressing about Lance as Pidge and Allura worked their magic. Hunk stress cooked and baked many things after what happened today- it's all ate for lunch. Our team’s cook was incredibly worried for his best friend and just wanted to make sure that he was alright- his only way to vent out his frustrations in the form of food.
Hunk's cooking is amazing- and I’ll never admit it to his face because he should already know it’s really good- but one thing I’ll never get over about it is how worried we all get when he does it out for stress.
It's never a fun time when a teammate gets injured and everyone stresses about it- especially when it's the one who holds everyone together by his own magic strings when that sort of thing happens.
Lance didn't make an appearance to eat with us again, during mealtime. Pidge went by assuring us by claiming it was because he was still passed out and was resting in his room. The short paladin even said that I should visit him. Another thing they told us was that when Lance was shot down by the gun, it wasn’t anywhere near fatal because it missed his vital organs even though he passed out from blood loss. A win is a win right? I’ll take it
Even with that new information,I’m still worried about Lance’s current physical and mental state right now. I hope he’s ok. If he’s not well soon, I’m going to be a lot more concerned for him. I know that it’s not even been a day since it happened- but I can’t help but worry for my Lance after what happened to him today.
My Lance… Oh god- how wish he were mine, but he’s not. He'll likely never match my feelings even though I want him. I'll respect that. Even though I desire his beautiful ocean eyes, his messily freckled skin, and his short curly brown hair. I want his firm curves, his sweet juicy lips, and just him- as a whole. I need him. He might be the one who can fill the space in my heart that has been empty since I last saw my dad.
I won’t deny, I do have feelings for Lance, I don’t do that anymore. I don’t push them down like I used to. My feelings for the blue eyes boy have dated all the way back to the Garrison days. Back then, I mistook the way I felt as hatred for him. I saw it that way because I never really got the chance to understand and try to figure out my feelings anytime before then. This is because my childhood was filled with moving from home to home and schools were a mess- both for the same reason: foster care.
The system sucked when I was in it- I bet it still sucks today. All the homes I was taken to were either filled with parents who didn’t realize what they were going to deal with by taking in a broken child, or they just wanted to look good by fostering a pity party. One thing is for sure though: they always sent me back when I was too much of a hassle, when I lashed out, when I became a problem, and when they couldn’t take it anymore. I learned that I would never be what people wanted, that I would be trashed, and that the world rejected me. I just took it and ran with this sacred information. I thought that was all there was to society- but that was all before I met Shiro.
People have always asked what happened to my parents, and people will always want to know- even if I don’t want to share. Whenever I share the how my mom died- everyone says I’m lucky for surviving the car crash that killed her when I was an infant. Though, if that’s what people call luck; I don’t know what actual luck is. Because if a person you have a blood connection to dies- I wouldn’t consider that lucky in any terms.
It’s stupid when people say that other people are lucky or unlucky, because there’s no such thing as luck in this endless universe. Things will happen when they do and there’s no way to prevent it from happening. What’s done is done and there’s no way to go back in time to fix things. I wish people could realize that and stop dwelling on that past because it creates problems for the person and the people around them…
…My steps falter as I slowly approach the entrance to my room then touch the control panel. I activate the door opening feature for my room with a light finger touch. After I enter into my room I stand there for a moment and relax- then rush over to the bathroom connected to my sleeping quarters. I touch the control panel and the door opens.
The bathroom space is small. Its shower Is straight across from the entrance door, contains a square floor drain, a square water nozzle, has a clear sliding glass door, and is dimly illuminated by the ship’s signature blue light near the ceiling. There is a closet that you can open with a angular handle and is full of towels for you to use on the left of the entrance. The sink is to the right of the entrance in the middle of a wide countertop and has a large mirror to view one’s appearance mounted above it on the wall. A toilet, with a small waste-bin beside it, is left in small nook between the shower and the closet.
After I set my sweat towel on the counter, next to the sink, I look into the mirror and stare into my indigo eyes. Blinking once, I ruffle my damp and stringy hair out of my face with my right hand. I hold it there for a moment, continuing viewing my face, and let go. My long bangs gather into a cluster in front of my eyes, slightly obscuring the view of myself. I should trim my hair slightly- and not only my bangs- soon. If my vision is partially blocked; I might not be able to see things that are needed to be seen in a dire situation… I’ll worry about that later though.
I turn to take a slow step towards the shower. Then I remove my clothes and toss them in the corner- before sliding the door to the side. After the task of entering the shower is done; I close the door and turn the shower knob. I do it just enough that the water won’t be scolding hot and won’t be freezing to touch: the perfect temperature.
I turn the shower handle all the way to the side so that the water will stop flowing from the nozzle. Stepping towards the door to the shower I pause while I hold my hand above the handle that I’ll use to slide the door open. The humid air’s moisture sticks soothingly to my skin as I stand still and bask in the warm glory of the after-shower air awaiting the eventual-
Cold.
I open the shower door and suddenly all the frigid air attacks me as I step outside of the shower to grab my towel from the closet. It’s a successful mission grabbing a towel from the closet- after being nipped at by the cold- as I dry myself off, then tie the large white cloth around my waist. While exiting the room, I pay no attention to the mirror, unlike when I entered the small room, and walk out of the bathroom.
The air outside of the bathroom is even colder than inside causing the rush I make to the dresser which contains my clothing. I choose a black t-shirt and a pair of long black athletic shorts to wear to sleep- I set the two pieces of clothing aside. After staring at them for a moment of contemplating whether I should choose something else. I get changed into the clothes I picked out.
Grumble…
Food. Yeah, I need that right now. Lance’s room is on the way to the kitchen, Pidge told me I should visit the Cuban boy. It would be nice to make sure he’s okay after what happened today. All I’d have to do after that is head to the kitchen, eat a snack, and go sleep in my room.
Lance is probably asleep because of the current space schedule/time that us paladins have agreed upon. He’d probably be in a lot of pain if he were awake and recovering from the gunshot alone and in his bed. Even if he’s asleep, it couldn’t hurt to go pay a short and sweet visit to the curly haired boy’s room.
My feet are bare and it’s like electricity strikes through my toes as I jump off my bed and make contact with the ice cold floors. Fuck. I should grab some damn socks- but it’s a shame I don’t care enough to grab them. I want my food.
Off to the kitchen I go. Er- Lance’s room, then the kitchen.
My legs project themselves to start walking forward and towards the door. Then they don’t. I reach over to the side and make sure to grab my jacket off the hook so that I can keep myself as warm as a cropped jacket can get you on a ship with this temperature. Only then do I leave.
The ceiling is illuminated by the signature Altean blue light that glows through the halls during the night times, allowing for me to see and walk through the halls with ease…
Lance’s favorite color is blue, he’s also the blue paladin. The color suits him. The ship constantly reminds me of him for that obvious reason. The boy looks so nice when he wears the cool color. It really brings out his pretty ocean eyes, and I fucking love it.
I love him.
I love the spark of excitement he gains when talking to people about subjects he’s passionate about. I love the way he moves so confidently with a purpose in and out missions. I love how he cares so much but tries to be nonchalant about his selflessness. I love when he starts speaking tidbits or just full on Spanish when he gets upset or riled up. His presence is like my heartbeat: I need it to live and survive.
To continue living- I have to help him climb out of these walls constraining him in his own dark place. I know what it feels like to be trapped in the deep depths of your mind and I can sympathize with Lance about that- but I need to see him happy again for his and my sake. I can’t go on without him. He’s the second pea in a pod with me…
Theres a muffled sound not too far in front of me. It’s not easy to tell exactly what it is- but it does kind of sound like… Lance? I’m unable to tell what’s being said or done from the distance away I am from his room. If it is him it appears that my previous guess on his consciousness was wrong, he is awake after all.
It’s a small ways away until I get to his room. Lance should be resting, at least I would be though. Why might he be awake and what might be said that I can’t clearly make out from here? It’s probably not my business to know, but I can’t help but be curious.
I can see the door to his room now- and am still walking towards it. The sounds coming from Lance’s room are more clear now and- is he crying? No, it can’t be. Why is Lance crying? What happened? Is he ok? Im not sure what any of the answers are, but I sure as hell can’t just stand here and listen.
I rush over to his bedroom door and without a thought behind my eyes, I touch the control pad and burst into the room as soon as it opens. I’m being stared at in the dark room by someone with tears streaming down their face. Lance. He’s sitting with his knees held to his chest by his arms and his back is perched against the wall.
He mumbles something I can’t quite make out himself. As soon as Lance realizes that I’m not leaving, he quickly corrects himself. He wipes his tears from his face and removes his legs from his chest, letting them hang lazily off of his bed, then he straightens up his posture. After I intently watch him do that; I lean back on the edge of doorway and rely on that to keep me up.
When he’s done ‘correcting himself’ I ask him something, “Are you ok? I heard you crying while I was walking by.” An obvious lie- I purposely came here to check on him. Lance sniffles before wiping his eyes with his jacket sleeve and responds with a mumbled, “yeah, I’m ok.” I don’t think Lance is telling the truth- but I’ll roll with it.
“Are you sure? If you want; I can stay here and we can talk about what’s on your mind. It might help.” I try suggesting to Lance. I need to make an excuse to stay in here because I don’t think I should leave him alone right now- especially because he was, and kind of still is, crying.
Lance responds almost immediately with a loud, “NO!”
… He shouted at me. He’s usually not like this- he typically won’t yell unless necessary. Something is seriously wrong with him. I can’t push the idea onto him; that it’ll make the situation worse. “Ok. I’ll leave.” I say as I start turning the other way so that I can leave and not bother Lance.
“No wait- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be that loud. Joder- I’m so sorry. You can go if you want to, Keith.” Lance says as his last tear rolls down his face and he tries to make it seem like he’s not upset with me.
I turn around only to see Lance looking really sad. He is most definitely not upset at me- I think, he’s just insecure about crying in front of me. “I think the question should be: do you want me to stay or not?” I ask in a questioning tone while looking Lance in the eyes. Truthfully, I think he wants me to stay- but just… doesn’t have the courage to ask.
“Only if you wan’t to,” Lance says shyly looking down. I almost miss him quietly mumbling the next part to himself, “but please- stay.” I take that as a sign to push myself off of the doorway and walk towards Lance’s bed and sit down to the left of him with my legs hanging off the bed and touching the floor. His gunshot wound is on his right and I don’t want to risk possibly hurting him.
The silence between the two of us is deafening and I can’t bare it- so I decide to speak up, “Do you want to talk about what’s making you sad?”
…
It’s silent before Lance quickly responds while looking away, “who said I was sad? Also, to answer your question: no.” If he’s not sad, then what might be upsetting him? Could the wound he got earlier be hurting him?
“Do you want to talk about… stuff? Or do you want me to just sit here with you?”
“I don’t know- but I guess I kinda want both.” Lance says matter of factly while clasping his hands in front of himself and looking forward. He’s sharing what he wants, that’s a start.
“Ok, well…” I rub the back of my head- nit sure if this is a goof question, “You know where you got shot- does it hurt right now?”
“Yeah, but it doesn’t hurt as much as would if Pidge didn’t load me up on some pain medication.” Lance jokes while looking into my eyes for the first time since I sat next to him. Ah, I get it. He’s drugged up right now. The medicine is probably messing with his head at the moment.
I continue staring into Lance’s eyes for a moment then lurch forward and hug him- accidentally pushing his back to the bed leaving my legs to straddle his hips while my arms wrap around him into a hug, my hands on his back, “stop scaring me like that. You know, getting hurt and all. You worried the rest of us when we couldn’t get you to wake up.”
Lance grunts when I tackle him with a hug, pauses, and tries to get me off him. After failing to remove me says, “get off of me, dude,” He shoves at me playfully as I immediately get up. Lance’s face is red and stares at me before I realize- I practically pinned him to the bed. Fuck. My face feels like it’s burning and is probably redder than Lance’s. I quickly scramble to get off of his gorgeous body back to where I was sitting previously, and once he gets the ability to move again he decides to sit in a criss-cross, “I wasn’t hurting you, was I?” I ask to get our minds off what happened.
“Only a little bit.” Lance claims while looking away with his hands covering his face. He’s still embarrassed by what happened… I guess that makes two of us.
“I’m sorry.” I mumble under my breath thinking Lance won’t catch it. That assumption was clearly wrong. “For what?” Lance asks with his hands in his lap and his head tilted slightly to the side while his eyes are trained on mine. How does Lance not get what I was apologizing for? Is he that dense?
“Hurting you.” I respond as my eyes are looking down at my hands in shame. I’m also sorry for pinning him to the bed- but I’m not going to remind him of that because it just happened. He probably didn’t like that.
“I would’ve thought you’d be sorry about tackling me to the bed as well. I’m happy that you’re not sorry about that; I’m pretty sure I enjoyed it.” Lance says nonchalantly while looking up to the ceiling. I stare at him in surprise, “are you sure you enjoyed it?” I ask and get silence as a response before- “Actually, forget I said anything.” Lance requests. I’m one pretty sure Pidge told specifically me to visit the injured paladin because they put something special in his drugs- or they just had to give him a lot for his pain to be decreased. They know I like Lance because I’ve ranted to them before about how I just can’t handle him sometimes. Pidge claims that they think we’d be cute together even though I continually tell them that I just can’t see him liking me like that way. That bitch planned this because they knew Lance’s mind would be kind of foggy if/when I came to his room.
Lance yawns and stretched his arms upwards. While he does that, his shirt lifts up a bit- revealing the bandages around his stomach… I should’ve pushed Lance out of the way of the bullet before it hit him. I regret not acting to save him from the pain- “I’m tired,” Lance tears me back to reality from my mind by saying that.
I briefly smile at Lance seeing the obvious bags under his eyes, “I can tell- who would be awake at this ungodly of an hour?” I reply in an unserious tone because, who would? If it’s this late why are you not asleep yet? “Heh, yeah. Who would?” Lance replies playfully.
“Do you want me to leave so that you can sleep?” I ask not wanting to possibly break any boundaries Lance might have. For all I know, he might do things in his sleep that he’s insecure about. I don’t want to risk anything.
… Nothing…
“No. Not yet at least. If you want to; you can leave right now or when I eventually fall asleep. Matter of fact, I don’t care if you so much as choose to stay the night in here.” Lance states very strongly. While I do want to stay in here- I originally planned to check on him then get food. I am still hungry. Maybe I can stay for a little longer then leave to get food no problem. Yeah, that seems like a solid plan. “I’ll think about my choices…”
“Can I-“ Lance stutters and takes a breath, “can I rest my head on you?” I nod in response. The other paladin starts moving around and ends up lying down on his left side, his head facing the same direction as the rest of his body and using my thighs as pillows. “Are you comfortable?” I question Lance as I start leaning back into the wall next to the bed. “Yeah, but it’s a little chilly in here and I’m already settled in. That means that I can’t get up to grab the blanket from underneath the two of us without changing our current positions,” Lance pouts.
I make a decision- I start removing my jacket from my arms, take it off myself, and then wrap it loosely and carefully around Lance’s upper body not wanting to hurt his injury. He turns his head and stares at me as I do this action, “Keith, aren’t you gonna be co-“ Lance gets abruptly cut off.
“I’m not worried about myself right now. I’ll be fine without my jacket,” I try reassuring Lance but he just won’t budge. “Keith, I don’t want this if you’re going to be cold by lending it to me.” The blue paladin tries to reason to no avail. Lance tries to take it off. Before he can though, I push his hands away and put the jacket back to where it was on him. “Fine,” the man who’s head is using me as a pillow, admits in defeat.
I bend my back forward and my head is above Lance’s. Eyes are locked on his eyes, “you are right; I am fine without my jacket,” I retort with a smug grin and a tone to match the face I’m making.
“Oh, you better watch it Kogane- or I might just kick you out of my room.” Lance replies mocking my previous tone. Smiling at him; I lean my back into the wall again while using my hand to ruffle my long, damp, black hair out of my face. I take my hand out of my hair letting my hair fall back into place. A slight layer of water from my previous shower is left on my fingers. In turn, I wipe my hand on the shoulder of Lance’s shirt. “Hey! What the hell was that for.” Lance quickly snaps at me and flips his body around hastily to glare at me. He winces. “Joder.-” The man curls in on himself, looking in pain for a moment, then uncurls, and tries relaxing his muscles. He fails.
I stare wide eyed at him then, “shit- are you ok? Damn it Lance, you shouldn’t make such abrupt movements.” I worriedly tell the boy in pain. He begins moving back to the position he was in before he hurt himself. Thankfully, he does it with a slightly slower pace than when he got into where he moved. “Don’t worry about me. I- I’m fine. Ok?” Lance hesitates to say.
“Are you actually? Because, I don’t think I believe you.” Genuinely, I feel that he isn’t telling me the truth.
I chose the wrong words- Lance suddenly tenses. “I’M FINE, Lance states firmly, “don’t pry into it. The… the- joder, como se llame, doesn’t hurt muy mucho.” He closes in on himself and panics when he finishes the sentence. Even though I don’t know Spanish I can tell he was getting upset. I shouldn’t have mentioned anything. Damn it!
“Ok, I’ll drop the subject.” The air is tense and feels too still- I string my fingers into the micro-curls connected to Lance’s head and relax my shoulders. When did my shoulders get tense?
My fingers loop around a specific curl and play with it for a moment before stopping. “Why must it be this way?” Silently slips from my mouth before I can catch it. The question was so quiet that I don’t think Lance could have heard it. I hope he didn’t hear it.
My fingers resume twirling between each strand of his chestnut hair.
What even did I ask? No- wait. Do I know what I was asking when I said that? Why must what be what way? Was it Lance being annoying at times but also this bright ball of sunshine suddenly turning quiet and guarded over whoever knows how many damn months we’ve spent in space? Possibly. What even happened to the boy?
Lance turns slightly in my lap and mumbles something into my thigh. Cute. Damn it Keith! Get your shit together.
The man resting on me contently sighs. Why does he have to be so pretty sometimes? Oh my fucking god.
I’m tired, why won’t my mind just let me rest for a moment before I leave? Closing my eyes for a moment though- might help. I’ll do that then leave…
…Lance long gone into the depths of sleep, drooling on my leg. My eyes are closed while my head is resting heavily against the wall. It’s an obvious sign that I’ve stayed here too long because I’ve started drifting off into sleep just as the other boy has. My thoughts have begun faltering and I will soon succumb to sleep…
Grumble…
“Nughhhhh,” I stretch my arms upward in a fluid motion. My neck aches like a bitch and there seems to be an unknown weight that is attached to my legs. Wait- what? That isn’t right. My eyes flutter open to see myself in a room thats not mine. I look down to the weight on my thighs and spot Lance loosely hugging one like a pillow.
Oh, shit. I fell asleep here.
Fuck it’s cold- what time is it? I spot Lance’s datapad and turn it on. Glancing at the time.
Shit. I slept here for six hours- and all the way through breakfast. I slept in Lance’s room. If the others (ahem- Pidge) find out; they’re gonna tease me relentlessly. Damn it.
I find my fingers tangled in Lance’s soft curls- and I let them stay there for a silent moment before I remove my hand, careful to not tug on any strands of hair. I can’t risk waking up the pretty boy resting his head on my lap…
… It would seem that I’m in quite the predicament because I’m being used as a pillow. If I want to get out of his bed; I’ll likely wake him up, and I don’t know if I want Lance to get all bitchy about how he needs his ‘beauty sleep’.
Fuck it- I’m getting up one way or another. I’ve just got to be careful. Ok, where is my jacket- oh. Lance has his hands gripped on it. He’s also using it as a blanket… Shit. I’m just gonna try taking it back. Easy as that.
The person who’s room i’m in mumbles and slightly tilts his body forward as he tightens his grip on my jacket when I try taking it back. Looks like that’s a no-go then. I guess I’m going to have to leave my jacket in here if I don’t want to wake Lance up.
Next step: get up.
That should be easy; all I have to do is detach him from my leg. WRONG. Every semi-big movement I make has caused him to grumble and tighten his grip on me.
Maybe I should except that I’m stuck here until he wakes up- but I want food. I said that I would get up even if it meant waking him up, I should stick to what I said.
Perhaps I could replace my leg with an actual pillow once I somehow get out of his bed. That’s a good idea. I reach to grab his pillow from the opposite side of the bed and set it to the left of myself. After thats done, I start slowly and gently prying the sleeping boy’s arms off me. Lance grumbles something incoherent. Shit- is he waking up? I don’t think so…
I hesitate for a moment before I do anything else. Now that his arms are to the side, I quickly- but carefully- lift his head and set it on the pillow while I also wrap his arms around it like they were around my legs. This causes the boy to mumble at a level that I can hear, “don’t leave me, please.”
My heart swells in pain when I hear sleeping beauty unconsciously say that. At least I think he’s asleep? There’s no way to be sure- but I think if I stay any longer I might have a higher risk of waking him up.
I must leave for now…
“Goodbye Lance, I’ll see you later.” I softly promise him before I sweep his short curly bangs away from his forehead and lightly peck his skin there. Then, I hurriedly leave the room to get myself food without my jacket…