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Inojin had always operated a bit out of the bounds of what a "traditional" guy acts like. He'd never cared much of what most people thought of him. The rigidness of the roles seemed stupid anyways. Either way, his foul mouth got him lots of other attention.
When he was younger, and well.. even into his early teen years, he was frequently mistaken for a girl. He can still remember the countless little compliments from random bystanders about what a beautiful daughter his mother had. It never really bothered him much. While for others, being mistaken as the opposite sex might have made them rush to correct it..
It never made Inojin feel bad. If anything, he almost liked..
No, he did. He liked the fact that a good amount of people couldn't tell his gender immediately. That it would take a double take before they settled on a guess. His longer blonde hair and softer features aided that greatly.
After all, they were giving him a compliment. Even if it wasn't technically true.
His mother had always been very feminine. Inojin can only recall a few times that she dressed more neutral. He found lots of admiration, interest in the way she presented herself to the world. His father was more masculine but leaned a bit every now and then. Sai didn't care much about gender roles, it being one of the things he didn't really understand much about society.
Inojin just figured that he was a boy that just liked to defy tradition a little. Push the bounds of what's considered right and wrong. Cause a bit of uproar. He'd already done that without really trying when he'd fallen for Nara Shikadai. He could still remember the scandal of it all when their relationship was revealed. Especially so, as it hadn't fully died down. He's sure there's a solid amount of clan elders that are banking on their breakup. Whatever.
But as time kept going on, and he continued to grow up...
A small discomfort that once could be ignored kept growing. Before, Inojin could brush it off and continue on as normal. It wasn't possible anymore. Nearly each day he woke up, he could feel it. Like a pit in his stomach, yet more confusing. Something like when you're on a swing set and go too far, thinking you'll fall. A panic that makes your whole body tense up and your heart go faster.
It had only begun to become a real issue, as Inojin's body changed more. He was a teenager and going through a whole host of changes. It wasn't a surprise. He'd known about it for years. Gotten some version of the puberty talk from his parents.
But upon being able to hear that his voice was deepening, it made him feel sick. He was getting taller too. His shoulders becoming more broad. It made him feel wrong.
Like there's been some kind of mistake somewhere down the line.
Inojin knew going through it all wouldn't be easy. Moody teenagers and what not. But this felt like something beyond the typical annoyances. Inojin wasn't just disoriented by how quickly he was changing.
He felt disgusted by it all.
Like his body had become a traitor somehow, all the while attached to himself. He wanted to reverse the clock. Go back to how he was before, even if that hadn't been perfect either.
Things like showering or changing clothes were no longer simple tasks. For most people, they hardly think about the mundaneness of it. It's like brushing your teeth or fixing your hair. Inojin had to actively avoid looking at himself in the mirror for too long. He started to search for clothes that were less form fitting, more loose around his body. Hoping to obscure what he could.
It still didn't feel like enough. It was like the equivalent of laying a bandaid on a serious wound.
While he could ease some of the discomfort with baggier clothes, he couldn't hide everything. There was no way to avoid how his voice had gotten lower. How the more times he spoke, the less he felt like himself.
All his family and friends kept on with their lives, unaware that Inojin often felt like he was drowning on land.
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Inojin stares down at his sketchbook, eyes catching on the details of the lines. He'd been testing out various poses. Primarily women. The different shapes of their figures, the softness that he didn't find on his own. The clothes he couldn't help but wish to wear. As opposed to the large hoodie and dark pants he had on. It brought a frown to his face, that perhaps could be mistaken for deep focus.
Had he not been with Shikadai.
Shikadai touches his shoulder, looking down at him. "Hey. You good?" He asks. Inojin blinks in surprise, laying down his colored pencil. "Yeah. I'm fine." It was an outright lie. Half to Shikadai, half to his own self. Inojin hadn't been truly fine in a while. Though he could forget about it briefly when he's with his friends or Shikadai, it always found its way back to his gut. No matter how often he'd tried to push it away. He couldn't. Whatever had taken root inside of him refused to be tossed away.
Even if Inojin wants nothing more than to wake up tomorrow, and not care about things like the shape of his waist.
When he meets Shikadai's gaze properly, he's thinking. He always had the same little expression. Inojin rested his head against the bark of the tree, Shikadai sat across from him. They often came here together. Just to relax and talk. It wasn't a traditional date but Inojin didn't mind it much. Being with Shikadai could make almost anything better. "Sorry. What were you saying?" Inojin asks, pushing a strand of blonde behind his ear.
He'd been trying to grow out his hair more. Using the guise of Yamanaka tradition.
"I was just saying.. Boruto thought you and I, and the rest of the guys could have a game night. It's been awhile since we've done it." Shikadai says, putting a hand on Inojin's knee. That was true. As they were growing older, they had more responsibilities. Less time to devout to things like late night gaming sessions. Inojin tries not to focus on how he phrases it. Not be upset about it.
The rest of the guys.
It's not like Shikadai was doing it intentionally. He didn't know what was going on with Inojin. Inojin hardly understood it either.
He licks his bottom lip. "Sure. Tell him I'm in." He says, grabbing his colored pencil again. He starts to sketch out a dress. It looks like it flows like a river, dancing around her figure. Making designs he knows he can't wear.
Shikadai sits closer to him, going beside him. "... Are you sure you're good? You've been zoning out a lot." He'd always been quick. Easily picking up on details that others would miss. Especially when it was something important to him. Inojin keeps drawing. "I'm just tired." It wasn't completely untrue. He'd long grown tired of this repetitive ache.
He's exhausted at just the thought of a lifetime of this. He wants to tell someone. To remove some of that burden that had nestled on his shoulders. But he needs to know what it is to share it. Pushing it away didn't seem to change anything. Inojin can't keep pretending day in and day out, but he can't lie to himself.
It almost feels reminiscent of when he'd found out his sexuality. But even that wasn't exactly the same. That had been nerve-racking, exciting and terrifying all in the same breath. Then to find out Shikadai felt the same way? It had been like his lungs finally grew big enough to take a proper breath.
Shikadai doesn't say anything right away. He leans on Inojin, putting his head on his shoulder. "Okay." He seems doubtful of the excuse. Inojin doesn't have the energy to make something more elaborate. Because what would he say? That he isn't sure how much longer he can live like this? As who he’s been for his entire life?
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His parents had left about an hour ago, to go on a date night. With their busy schedules, finding time was somewhat difficult. So, they cherished it even more. Ino had gotten many compliments from Sai about her dress. Inojin had been sitting in the main room when they left. His mother had even left a little kiss on the top of his head, before departing.
He's pretty sure.. they know something's been up with him. If Inojin thinks hiding things is a challenge, it's even harder when it's people that have watched him grow up. Inojin had been far more quiet and withdrawn as of late. He was lacking in his little snarky commentary. Like the flame had been extinguished from his attitude all together. Everything felt dull. He'd never even gone and properly set plans with Boruto. Or anyone.
Inojin had even started to keep his distance from his Nara.
Once his parents had left, Inojin stretched out on the couch. He'd been working on more of his sketches. His head was more in the clouds these days than anything. He glances back down at the book. One of the drawings had a pearl necklace. He thinks back to the one his mother had been wearing tonight. It wasn't as stand out as the one he'd drawn. But carried a lot of sentimental value. If he remembers correctly.. Maybe a birthday gift? Inojin didn't really pay much attention when his parents were overly sappy. If anything, he tried to tune it out.
The necklace.
He knew that Ino had a box of jewelry she kept in her room that was periodically added to. Filled with rings, earrings and much more. Inojin puts down his book, slowly making his way up the stairs. As if he's being watched by someone else. What shame did he have to feel? He's the only person here.
What if..
He'd never had the proper chance to see what he'd look like in a different style. Going out of his way and asking Mom for her jewelry would raise questions. Both from her and himself. Inojin makes his way up, only taking a moment to find the box. It was laying out.
Once he opens it up, he comes face to face with several different pieces. Along with a small mirror right in front of him. Inojin reaches up to slip off his Inoshikacho earrings, gently laying them down. It wasn't often he ever took them off. They weren't just bits of metal after all. They were a living artifact of their promise to each other.
He grabs a pair of decorated earrings, placing each one on. It's now he's relieved getting the piercing was traditional. Inojin then slips on a bracelet, while reaching for an old necklace. When he glances back up, he's pleasantly surprised by how he looks. His ears are adorned with beautiful designs. His pale wrist is covered with a gold bracelet and flowers engraved.
For a minute, standing there and looking in the mirror? It isn't painful. It doesn't bring up that awful feeling in his gut. He.. he looks beautiful. Closer to what he really wanted.
Inojin pulls the hair tie off. He'd been using the excuse of clan tradition. But in reality? The thought of chopping it too short made him feel terrible. He didn't want to look anymore different. The hair rushes past his shoulder, framing his face gently. Slowly, he runs his fingers through the locks of hair.
He wishes he could look like this more. Do something more than just wear Mom's old jewelry. Would something like a purple dress compliment him? What about blue to match his eyes? What about a hint of pink brushed onto his cheeks, to let him look more alive? That thought is both scary and.. warm. Overwhelmingly exciting. But that feeling of panic rises up again.
Inojin purses his lips and looks down at his hands.
He doesn't know what to do. How to keep moving on from here. How does he keep waking up every morning, knowing that nothing will be different? Go to bed at night, aware that what awaits him is that same turmoil. No matter how much he wished for things to be different, they simply weren't. He doesn't know how to keep existing like this, to keep waking up, living like...
He's a boy.
The thought of living like a boy, for the rest of his life felt impossible. And he was only sixteen, not even a full quarter of his life gone. Inojin lets out a shaky exhale, eyes beginning to sting. He rarely ever cried about anything. It was only brought out of him when it became too much. When everything he's tried to hide comes over him in a wave he can't push back.
What is he going to do? He can't tell anyone else about this secret. Not Mom and Dad. They'd accepted his relationship, but what about this? This was an entirely separate thing. It meant that fundamentally he wanted to be a different person entirely. Not the same as when he'd come out about liking boys.
... And what about Shikadai? They'd been dating for months now, finally putting a label on those affections. Inojin had been crushing on him for a long time. He'd felt so lucky when they'd gotten together. Things were good between them. At least till Inojin's started to form a rift.
This kind of thing? It might ruin it all. What would he say? He'd started dating Inojin with the knowledge that he was his boyfriend. What about now when he didn't even feel like one? He still wanted Shikadai's affections. He knows that he isn't a cruel person. But this.. it might..
It'll be too much. He won't ever look at him the same again.
Inojin wishes with everything he could turn to someone. But who could understand this all?
He hurries to take everything off, as if his parents were here. They weren't. Still, he rushes to put everything back in its place. Tears are rapidly rushing down his cheeks with a pained sound. Inojin wipes them away with his long sleeve.
He doesn't have a clue what to do.
Inojin had spent his entire life knowing that there were many people he could count on. His parents. His team. His friends. But he can't bring himself to go up to anyone and confess this. Give what felt like a verbal declaration that he felt wrong. It was only thoughts, laced in with fantasies he has to push away. Hopes that have to become locked up.
He'd never felt more alone in his life, in a village filled with so many people he knew. He's afraid that just voicing this will change it all.
Inojin lays back down in his bed, burying his face in his pillow. He felt like yelling at the world. Why couldn't he just have been born different? He's sure that if he'd been a girl, none of this would come up. He could go out and wear whatever he wanted. Nobody would spare much of a thought. He could be who he is without fearing judgement.
He grabs the covers on his bed, tossing them over himself. Because sometimes going to sleep felt easier than being awake.
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Inojin didn't really believe Sai's thing about taking him out for sketching. Sure, they used to visit landscapes and try to recreate them way back when.. but the timing is questionable. Along with the way he'd been glancing over at Inojin all evening.
While he could try his best to hide what's been festering in his mind, he could only do so much with everything else. Inojin's spent more days at home than anything lately. He just.. doesn't want to go outside and keep on as he is.
He can feel Sai's gaze, as Inojin recreates the patterns on a Leaf.
"Inojin. You are aware you can tell your mother and I anything, yes?" Sai begins. Inojin had been expecting something like that. He glances his way. "Yes." Inojin says a single word, back to work on his sketch. It wasn't particularly difficult. Or even an important art piece. But he keeps his focus on it, hoping to avoid suspicion.
He's already long past that though.
"Then why haven't you?" Sai asks him. Inojin lets out a groan. "I'm fine. Nothing is wrong. What could even be wrong? You see me everyday. Nothing happened to me."
"You're right. I've seen you more often."
Inojin looks at him. "So? You're my Dad. We live together." His little bits of attitude sneak in, even without him trying. He's just frustrated. It felt like he's been working on a piece that never turns out right. One that no matter how many times he attempts it, the result is the same.
"I.." Sai pauses, thinking for an instant. "We just want you to be happy. That's all. I know you're getting older and.. more prone to wanting to keep to yourself. But I'm still your father. That'll never change." From the way he speaks, Inojin figures he'd had it on his mind for a while. And.. probably read a book or something.
Inojin rubs his temples, trying to think. "I know." He says first. He chews on the inside of his cheek. "I'll.. I'll tell you sometime. I'm not in any danger or anything. I just need to figure it out." It's horribly vague. That's intentional. He's not ready to tell his father that he doesn't want to be a boy anymore.
He didn't know if he'd ever be ready. Already, he'd confessed it to himself. That itself was a hurdle that took months. Now, taking that next step feels even harder than that. He can know who he is. That doesn't mean he feels as ready to say it out loud. It was only spoken in whispers to himself, when the room was completely empty. When he'd style his hair in a new way. When he'd consider taking some of his mother's makeup to test.
Sai frowns a bit, but he simply nods. It's not like he can pry it out of Inojin. Even if now it's just the two of them, the words feel frozen in his throat.
"I'll be here when you are." Sai tells him, gently ruffling his hair. Even if it doesn't fix much, it.. it brings a bit of comfort to Inojin. It's a start to something else.
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Something in Inojin's mindset had slowly started to change. Perhaps it was the fact he'd spent the better part of a year, just uncomfortable in his own skin. He couldn't change who he was. Inojin could keep going by and pretending to be someone he wasn't, but the ache would never subside.
If he ever wanted to be truly happy, he'd have to do something else. He couldn't hold onto something that's giving him more grief than anything. Why should he keep his hand pressed to a stove top that keeps burning?
His life had become so much more closed off lately. He keeps finding excuses to avoid seeing his friends and Shikadai. There's less joy the longer he keeps doing this. But Inojin was just afraid. At the core of it all, he's terrified of how it all could change.
... Despite the fact he's changed his own life by doing this all.
Inojin should have known sooner or later someone would confront him. And that it would be Shikadai. He's just about to close up the shop, finally taking his old shifts again. Shikadai had memorized the schedule ages ago.
"Are you ever going to tell me what's going on?" Shikadai asks, looking at Inojin over the counter. Inojin pales a bit.
Inojin swallows. "Nothing's going on." He lies again. He couldn't say when that started becoming a norm in his life and relationships, and he hated it too.
Sure, he could hide behind his rude comments.. but this was just being dishonest.
Shikadai is less than amused. "Really? So why have you been hiding then?"
Inojin's quietly relieved that nobody else is here. Actually..
Shikadai probably timed it like that. Distantly, he wonders exactly how many days that Shikadai had come by Yamanaka flowers, just looking for him. It makes him feel like an ass. He trims a few leaves of a plant, trying to focus on that. But the green always reminded him of Shikadai's eyes.
He loved Shikadai. That much he knew without hesitation. Everything else? It was complicated. Tangled in a web that he barely had begun to understand.
"You wouldn't get it." Inojin confesses, cutting another weak stem. His heart does that funny thing about the Nara again. He always gets the urge to just blurt everything out. "You'll hate me." He adds along.
From the corner of his gaze, Inojin watches Shikadai's frustration melt into something else. "What?" He asks, completely caught off guard. "I could never hate you, Inojin." He says that like it's a fact of the world.
Inojin bites his lip, trying not to let his emotions spill out like water. Usually he's good at that. Hide what he's thinking behind a little closed eye smile or a comment. "I don't know. This might change it." He tells him.
"If I can't understand, then help me." Shikadai steps closer, elbows resting on the counter. "I'm your boyfriend. We handle the hard shit together, okay?"
Inojin finally meets his eyes. Sky blue eyes scan Shikadai's face, as if looking for deception. He finds none. He didn't expect to. He knows Shikadai didn't say things he doesn't mean. Just because he had that usual disengaged demeanor, didn't mean there wasn't a fire beneath it all. And he was right. They had faced many things together. For one, they'd come out as a couple.
He puts down the scissors, idly tossing the shavings in the trash.
"Lately, I guess I just.. uh. Not lately. It's more like I finally stopped ignoring it. That something's been wrong." Inojin trips over his own words, he hadn't prepared anything. Even if he's been mentally trying to figure out how to tell him, nothing has stuck.
But maybe he didn't need to prepare. Just needed to let it be.
"Like.. you're sick?" Shikadai suggests. His brows furrowed in confusion. Inojin shakes his head. "Not physically. It's a mental thing." He isn't even sure he'd call it sick at all. It just felt.. like he'd been trying to push himself into being something he wasn't. Lying to everyone around him, along with himself. Playing some kind of role that he'd grown tired of.
Inojin takes a small breath, trying to figure out the best way to word it. Part of him wants to blurt it all out in classic Inojin fashion. The other? Is afraid of what he'll say. He knows Shikadai isn't judgemental.. and not close minded like others, but he can't help the fear.
"You know how sometimes.. I dress, like not how a guy does? Wear purple or pink? Or style my hair up?"
Shikadai looks confused by the change in topic. But he nods. "Yeah." He looks at him. "Did someone say something? Screw them. You can wear whatever you want. Still makes you a guy."
That's a sweet sentiment that Inojin appreciates but.. it's not really what he's aiming for. Maybe the best thing is to just say it. No confusing analogies. If Shikadai can't accept it all then..
Well, he's not sure what he'll do. Though, he has to walk to the bridge to ever cross it.
"... I don't think I want to be a guy anymore." Inojin admits, eyes darting nervously to his own hands. Shikadai's eyes widened. "Wait like.." He trails off, thrown by it visibly. Inojin just nods. "I don't know. I'm not.. completely sure. But I don't think I can do it anymore. I want to try being seen like a girl. Dress like one. Get treated like one. It would.. it would make me happy."
He's not completely sure of it, as he'd never tried it but.. god. Was it a daydream he had more days than not. ".. I think I might be trans. That's what I heard it's called." He didn't know anyone personally like himself. But he knows of its existence. After all, Inojin was queer too.
There's a pause. Inojin dares to look into his eyes. Shikadai's expression isn't one of disgust or repulsion. He's just.. genuinely thrown by it all. Shikadai blinks a few times. "Huh. Okay. That's not.. that's not what I thought you'd say."
"What did you think I'd say?"
"I don't know." Shikadai confesses, scratching the back of his neck. "I thought maybe you didn't like me anymore or something. That you were ghosting me till we broke up."
Inojin stares at him. "What? Why would I do that?"
"You have to admit from my perspective, it does kinda look like that." Shikadai admits. "But uh.. it's okay."
Inojin couldn't help but feel more guilty about this all. He hadn't considered that Shikadai might think something's wrong with him. Rather than the other way-.. Maybe, he shouldn't even call it something being wrong. He wants to apologize, but he's more.. he needs to know what Shikadai thinks.
"That's it?"
"I'm thinking here!" Shikadai defends himself. Usually his mind is a lot faster. Then again, this isn't a battlefield. Even if the rate of his heart makes it feel like one.
"I understand if this is like.. a deal break or something." Inojin tells him, even if it's his worst fear. Then there's his parents not taking it well. "I know you came into.. being with me, and getting a boyfriend. I just.. I don't.. know if I can be that for you anymore. If it's possible."
Shikadai quickly shakes his head. "Just let me think for a second, okay? I just don't want to say the wrong thing." He says. Inojin blinks. "Alright."
Then he clears his throat. "It's not a deal breaker. Okay? Whatever.. The bad situation you're imagining isn't happening. At all." Shikadai holds out his hands. "I still want to be with you."
Inojin feels like a damn house is lifted off his shoulders. He exhales a sigh of relief, taking Shikadai's hands. "Really?" He asks quietly, with a soft squeeze.
"Really." Shikadai reaffirms. "I.. like girls too, if that's what you end up as. I don't really.." He stops briefly. "I guess I'm more into a person.. than what they are. If that makes sense."
Inojin doesn't know who to thank. ".. You have no idea how good it sounds to hear that."
Shikadai smiles lightly, then tilts his head. "But uh.. you said you weren't sure, yeah?"
"Not really. I like the idea of it, how it would feel...but I haven't gotten to ever really live it." It was still a dream. One that Inojin wanted to fulfill so deeply.
"Then why don't you try it out? I could.." Shikadai squeezes back. "I could call you my girlfriend, if you want. Do you want me to keep calling you Inojin?"
Inojin stares in wonder. "I um.. yeah, the name's fine. It doesn't really bother me. And I'd really like it if you did call me that." He- She flushes a soft pink, showing all the more with the paleness. "Just.. don't tell anyone else, okay? I need time. Ugh. I want to figure it out before everyone knows."
Shikadai nods. "Makes sense." He looks down at their intertwined hands, then at Inojin's pink cheeks. "So.. you won't avoid me anymore, right?"
"Nope. Pretty done with that, especially since you know."
"... You're about to close, yeah? Maybe we could go on a date?" Shikadai says, trying to come off as smooth. Inojin playfully rolls her eyes, with a little grin. "Fifteen minutes, then yeah."
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"I don't know if I just look... silly." Inojin mumbles, standing in front of a mirror. She turns around to look at it from the sides. Her hair is laying down with a purple clip by her ear. She's wearing a knee length dress that's a soft shade of blue, courtesy of Chocho. She'd gone out and bought it for her.
Inojin had told her not long after Shikadai. Secrets between the three weren't common. Chocho had also been ecstatic. Something about being able to dress up together. Her reaction had given Inojin some more confidence. She's feeling more like.. herself by the day.
But now, she couldn't help but hesitate. Shikadai sat on her bed, here to spend some time with her. His elbow is propped up on his knee, chin resting in his palm. "Why would you look silly?" He asks softly.
Inojin turns around. "I don't know. Does it look like I'm trying too hard or something?"
She still hasn't told her parents. Inojin hadn't forgotten her conversation with Sai. She will tell him. Soon. It just isn’t an easy conversation.
"I think you're overthinking this." Shikadai tells her. "... Which is interesting, since usually this is the other way around." He adds in. Inojin plops down beside him, with a small pout. "I'm allowed to overthink, you know?"
Shikadai laughs a little. "Okay. Sure."
Inojin's hand pinches the edge of the fabric. It feels so soft. "How do you think I look?" She asks him bluntly. Shikadai sits up properly. "I think.. " He looks her over. "I think you look beautiful. The color brings out your eyes."
She feels another warmth to her face. Shikadai cups her cheek, gently kissing her forehead. "You should keep it. I know you're not ready to go out yet but.. when you are, I'll be there for you." He tells her. Inojin couldn't help but smile. “Yeah.” She isn't sure when that'll be but.. knowing that no matter what happens, she has people on her side? It makes her feel stronger.