Archive of Our Own

Hongjoong sighed, falling back on the couch tiredly. He was still slightly wet from the shower he took a few minutes ago. Actually, he planned to go out with his date, Minhee, but he managed to cancel the plans last minute. Saying that Hongjoong was disappointed wasn't enough to describe how he felt.

Hongjoong has been dating a lot these days. He had this urge to have someone by his side, but somehow, every guy he met felt wrong. He even tried dating a woman, which ended quicker than usual.
He often caught himself thinking that this generation changed dating a lot. He sometimes wondered why most of the partners were acting distant or were only interested in getting intimate. I mean, Hongjoong kind of craved this too, but not that way. It felt like this generation stopped talking about love as an emotional bond. But Hongjoong didn't see it as wrong somehow.

"Don't be a crybaby, Joong. This is way too typical for Minhee. What did you expect?" Seonghwa's voice sounded, cutting through Hongjoong's thoughts. He looked up and watched his friend packing his bag to go to work. Hongjoong and Seonghwa were studying together and shared an apartment. After they finished university, they decided to keep living together for a while, till they both got enough money to have their own lives.
"I'm just... I thought he might change." Hongjoong sighed, looking at the ceiling, trying to hide the disappointment.
"Be for real. Y'all only met three times. Two of them were to fuck and one to meet you. He doesn't want to be your partner-partner." Seonghwa slightly laughed at how naive Joong was. It could've seemed rude, but since Hongjoong had been trying to date like a challenge, they both acted pretty chill about it. This also said pretty much about their friendship. They both never judged each other and stayed there to support their decisions.

"Honestly, Joong. You should find someone better. Out of all the guys that you could pull, you can't choose the one who doesn't even want to meet you."
"But I like Minhee." He answered with pouted lips and a sad expression.
"You like the idea of a Minhee. You just yearn for a relationship."
Hongjoong blinked and looked away again, bitter at how right Seonghwa was.
"Okay, I'm heading out. Give me an update." Hwa shouted through the apartment while putting on his coat and shoes.
"Good luck at work, Hwa."
"Good luck with Minhee."

During the last few months, he has already been dating four guys. Every one was different from the other, but at the same time, weirdly the same.

All of this started with Hongjoong meeting Seuhi out at a bar. Seuhi was the same age as Hongjoong, but taller and probably much stronger than Hongjoong, judging by his fit body. They talked while waiting for drinks and ended up in a corner, kissing the fuck out of each other. Hongjoong was pretty drunk, which made him overthink his decisions the next day.
Still, he stayed in touch with Seuhi. They went to the bar another time and almost ended up the same, but Hongjoong managed to contact Seonghwa for him to pick him up. Later, they met a few times outside of the bar and went to cafés and movies, but when Hongjoong had a stressful time with work and his family, Seuhi disappeared. It seemed like he only cared for the happy and party Joong, which Hongjoong really wasn't all the time.
It ended up with him confronting Seuhi and Seuhi being a total asshole, never wanting to support him. Even though it wasn't a long or meaningful relationship, Seonghwa had to buy some sweets to get Hongjoong to smile again.

Just a few days later, he met someone online. His name was Kyle, and he was the definition of perfect.
Well... He wanted to be.
Right at their first date, he started to correct Hongjoong all the time. He told him to stop acting childish when he joked, he told him to dress differently next time when Joong wanted to dress cozy. In general, he just wanted to change Hongjoong into a version only he wanted. He wanted him to be someone he wasn't, which Hongjoong gladly noticed early enough.

His third attempt was dating a younger guy. He was five years younger, but acted mature enough for Hongjoong to notice him. At first, he was pretty cool and chill. Hongjoong really did imagine a future with him, because he really was a great boy.
Well, until one day.
Hongjoong and Seonghwa were out at a cinema and noticed him with a girl. He got jealous but stayed positive after Seonghwa distracted him from it. It would've ended alright if, during the movie, he hadn't noticed him getting all touchy with her.
The worst thing is that Hongjoong gave him another chance after talking with him about it. He apologized, and Hongjoong forgave him. All young people make mistakes. But he did it twice.
Not a week later, while coming over to his house, he noticed a message from someone saved as 'babe ❤️'. He could've questioned it or talked about it, but after seeing a nude picture as the preview for the message, it was enough for him.
The third relationship ended there. Hongjoong was starting to get tired of dating, but somehow, that never stopped him from trying again.

That's how he met Jonn.
Jonn seemed pretty normal at first. He was funny, easy to talk to and didn't seem to have any weird expectations. Their first few dates were actually fun, and Hongjoong quickly started to get comfortable around him.
Maybe a little too comfortable.
Because after a while, Jonn started acting differently.
He would text Hongjoong all night and then disappear for days without saying anything. He'd make plans with him and cancel them last minute, only to show up again whenever he felt like it. Whenever Hongjoong asked what they actually were, Jonn would just laugh it off.
"Why do we have to label everything?"
Hongjoong hated that answer.
Still, he stayed.

He kept telling himself that Jonn was probably just scared of commitment. That he needed time. That maybe if Hongjoong gave him enough of it, things would eventually change.
But they never did.
Jonn liked having Hongjoong around when it was convenient for him. When he was bored. When he wanted company. When he needed someone to listen to him.
But whenever Hongjoong needed him, Jonn suddenly had somewhere else to be.
And somehow, Hongjoong kept accepting it.
Maybe because, after everything else, he was already used to chasing.

And now there was Minhee.
Somehow, Hongjoong had ended up back in the same cycle. Things with Minhee had started pretty well, but it didn't take long for the same feeling to creep in again. Minhee was distant, barely made time for him, and seemed much more interested in something casual than actually getting to know him.

Hongjoong stared at the ceiling, thinking about all the guys he'd been dating. Somehow, it made his head hurt, and he decided to try to distract himself. He worked from home, but he was off this week. His only distraction from all the stress was work, and now he didn't have that as an option. And, of course, his roommate.

Seonghwa was his number one supporter, and Hongjoong kind of felt bad because of the whole relationship thing. He had been warning him that finding his true love didn't work like this and telling him how naive he was all the time. Hongjoong knew exactly how right he was, but somehow, he didn't understand how any of this was supposed to work. He also didn't really know what exactly love was.
He had failed in all of his relationships, and he truly blamed himself for it.
Why couldn't he finally find his person?

When Hongjoong heard the bell ring, he quickly stood up from the couch and ran to the door. After opening it, he saw Seonghwa standing there with a bag full of drinks and snacks. It had been a few hours since Seonghwa left, and all Hongjoong had done meantime was think, doomscroll, and think some more. Seonghwa coming back home was the cure to his boredom and made him smile instantly.

"I bought some snacks. I thought we could watch a movie," Hwa suggested, closing the door behind him and taking off his shoes. Hongjoong felt his heart getting lighter, which was easy to notice.
"What were you doing here? Damn, you look stressed." Seonghwa smiled genuinely and patted Joong's shoulder.
"I've been thinking a lot... But never mind. Let's just watch the movie." Hongjoong laughed softly and walked back to the couch, watching Seonghwa disappear into his room to change into something more comfortable before watching the movie.

"May I ask what is bothering you like this?" Seonghwa suddenly asked during the movie. They were watching a Marvel movie, which Hongjoong normally enjoyed, but today he was... distant.

"Hwa, what does love mean to you?"

Seonghwa blinked, surprised by the sudden question. He sighed, knowing exactly what the reason for him asking was, and gave him a little eye roll.
"Hongjoong, you deserve someone better than Minhee. Please stop chasing him," he said, looking at him with a warm and gentle expression. "This is not a relationship you fight for."

Joong leaned back on the couch and looked down at his hands, his fingers fidgeting with his hoodie.
"I think I'm the problem... I mean..." He stopped and looked at Seonghwa. "Why does everyone leave me?"
Those words changed Seonghwa's expression. From warm and gentle, he became kind of... sad and mad at the same time. Seonghwa stayed quiet for a moment, watching Hongjoong carefully.

"Joong... you're not the problem."
Hongjoong looked at him, but Seonghwa didn't look away.
"You keep thinking that if people leave, there has to be something wrong with you. Like you weren't good enough, or you weren't interesting enough, or maybe you just didn't try hard enough." He sighed softly. "But that's not how love works."
Hongjoong's fingers stopped fidgeting.

"You shouldn't have to convince someone to stay. You shouldn't have to constantly chase them, wonder where you stand, or try to become someone they're willing to love. And you definitely shouldn't have to prove that you're worth staying for."
He paused, his expression softening.

"Love is supposed to be easier than that, Joong. Not perfect. It's still going to be complicated sometimes. People will argue, they'll have bad days, things will get difficult. But when it's real, you don't have to question whether the other person actually wants to be there."
Hongjoong swallowed, looking down again.

"The right person won't only want you when you're happy and fun to be around. They'll still want to be there when you're stressed, when you're struggling, when you don't know what you're doing. You shouldn't have to carry the whole relationship just to keep it alive."
Seonghwa leaned back against the couch.
"And maybe that's what you've been doing wrong. Not being yourself. Just... trying too hard to make people stay."

Hongjoong stayed silent.
"You keep fighting for people who aren't fighting for you," Seonghwa said quietly. "And every time they leave, you take it as proof that you weren't enough."
He shook his head.
"Joong, you don't need to be more. You don't need to be easier to love. You don't need to earn it."

For a moment, neither of them said anything.
"One day, you're going to meet someone who makes you realize you never had to chase them in the first place." Seonghwa smiled faintly. "Someone who chooses you without making you wonder why. Someone you can trust to be there, even when things aren't easy."
Hongjoong's eyes started to sting.
"And when you find that person, I don't think you'll have to spend so much time asking yourself if they love you."
Seonghwa gently nudged his shoulder.
"You'll just know."

Hongjoong's eyes started to tear up, but he managed to hide his face. These words hit him somehow because he understood how right Seonghwa was.
This was what love should feel like. This was what he had craved for so long.

The thought of having someone who stayed, someone he didn't have to chase, someone he didn't have to prove anything to, someone he could trust, someone who was there for him when times got tough, someone he could just... love.

He smiled, realizing how comfortable and right this sounded in his head.
"I can't imagine anyone being this gentle with me. I only feel this way with you," Hongjoong suddenly said, giggling quietly.

Seonghwa was kind of caught off guard and stayed silent. No words and no reaction came. Joong turned around to look at Seonghwa again and noticed something changing in his face.
His cheeks were slightly flushed, and his expression had shifted. He looked surprised and kind of shy.

Suddenly, realization kicked in for Hongjoong. His cheeks got warm, and he looked away awkwardly.
"Uh... I mean... sorry, that came out wrong."
Both of them didn't say a word for a few minutes. Only the sounds of the TV filled the room. Those words had escaped Hongjoong's mouth so easily, but uncontrollably.
Maybe because it just was the truth.

Seonghwa, his so-called best friend, was always there for him no matter what. He held him when he was crying over his exes, he always supported him in whatever he was doing, and he made him feel free and wanted.
He truly loved him.

"You deserve the world, Joong. Even if there was something between us... which is stupid... I mean..." Seonghwa stuttered, trying to explain himself. "You would've deserved better."
Hongjoong turned around and looked right into Hwa's eyes accidentally. He wasn't as confident and calm as he had been before. To be honest, Hongjoong had never seen him this messed up.
Seonghwa shook his head and laughed awkwardly.
"Whatever."

During the rest of the movie, they didn't talk at all. Not about the conversation, not about the film, nothing.
Hongjoong's thoughts were rushing, all at once in his head.

What should he do with Minhee?
Why was the idea of this type of love so comforting to him?
What happened between him and Seonghwa?
Why the fuck was he still blushing?

After the movie finished, Seonghwa stood up and started to clean up the coffee table in front of the couch.
"Good movie. I'm going to bed now, I think. It's been a long day," Seonghwa said as calmly as possible.
Hongjoong wanted to answer something, but he just nodded.
"Good night, Joong."
Seonghwa looked at him with a small smile, which did something to Hongjoong. It was kind of awkward, but still truly filled with warmth and love.
"Good night, Hwa."

Hongjoong stayed on the couch even after Seonghwa disappeared into his room. He stared at the TV, but he wasn't really seeing anything anymore.
His mind kept going back to what Seonghwa had said.

He didn't need to chase someone. He didn't need to prove himself. He didn't need to wonder if they would stay.
And then there was Seonghwa.

Seonghwa had always stayed.
Through every failed date, every stupid decision, every breakdown over someone who barely cared about him. He had never once made Hongjoong feel like he was too much. He had never asked him to change. He had never made him question whether he was wanted.

So why had Hongjoong spent so much time looking for something that had been right beside him all along?

He shook his head, immediately trying to push the thought away.
No. That wasn't what this was.

Seonghwa was his best friend.
His roommate.
The person who knew him better than anyone else.
Of course he felt safe with him. Of course he loved him. That didn't have to mean anything else.
...Right?

Hongjoong remembered the way Seonghwa's cheeks had turned pink after what he said.
The way his voice had suddenly become unsure.
The way he had looked away and muttered, "Whatever."

Hongjoong covered his face with both hands.
"Fuck."

Why was he still thinking about it?
He had spent so long wondering what love was supposed to feel like. Maybe it wasn't supposed to feel like butterflies or constantly wondering if someone liked him back. Maybe it wasn't supposed to hurt this much.
Maybe it was supposed to feel like this.
Safe. Easy. Familiar.
Like coming home.
And for some reason, the first person who came to his mind was Seonghwa.

On the next day, Hongjoong's alarm started ringing through his room. Which was unnecessary, because Hongjoong's eyes were already wide open. He did sleep that night, but he fell asleep very late and woke up much earlier than usual. His thoughts were just way too loud to ignore them. It seemed so weird to suddenly, out of nowhere, feel these things. These things that would've never crossed his mind before.

He stood up and changed his clothes into baggy joggers and a white oversized T-shirt. To mention, Hongjoong was pretty short and looked quite adorable wearing them. No wonder they were way too big. He had stolen them from Seonghwa a few days ago. Not that Seonghwa was a giant, but on him, these clothes looked "oversized" and not "way too big."

Hongjoong left his room and went into the kitchen to make himself a coffee. He hadn't gotten up earlier because he was waiting for Seonghwa to leave for work. He told himself he wasn't avoiding him, but a small part of him was genuinely scared to look into his eyes again.
It was like his whole vision had changed, and he suddenly saw things he hadn't noticed before.

Walking into the kitchen, a familiar and sweet smell hit his nose. When he looked at the counter, he saw some pancakes on a plate, still fresh and warm. Seonghwa often surprised him with food, as he'd already noticed the day before. It was a normal gesture, something he often did.
But this time, it felt more caring.
More... noticeable.

With a smile, Hongjoong made himself a coffee and sat at the table to eat the pancakes, which were delicious by the way. Remembering that Hwa made them kind of gave him butterflies.
Now that Hongjoong was more aware of everything Seonghwa did for him, he realized just how caring he was.

He shook his head, trying to get those thoughts out of his head, but his smile didn't disappear.

Hongjoong's phone suddenly buzzed on the table, pulling him out of his thoughts.
He looked down at the screen.
Minhee.

His smile faded a little.
For a moment, he just stared at the notification before finally opening the chat.

M: you free today?

Hongjoong bit his lip, staring at the message.
Normally, he would've answered immediately. He would've rearranged his whole day just to see him, even if Minhee had barely made time for him lately.
His fingers hovered over the keyboard.

H: yeah, i think so. why?
M: was thinking we could hang out later

Hongjoong stared at the screen.
There it was again.
That tiny weird feeling he always got whenever Minhee texted him. He didn't really know, if it was a good idea to meet him, but he also didn't really had a reason to say no.

H: sure. what time?

He put his phone down and took another bite of his pancake.
For a moment, he kind of felt...happy.
Then his eyes wandered toward the hallway.
Seonghwa.

The thought of him immediately made Hongjoong's stomach flutter again.
He frowned.
Why was he thinking about him right now?

His phone buzzed again.

M: maybe around 7? I'll pick you up.

Hongjoong looked at the message for a few seconds.

H: yeah, sounds good

He sent it before he could overthink it.
And yet, instead of feeling excited like he normally would've, Hongjoong just sat there quietly.
Something felt different.
He couldn't quite explain what it was.
But for the first time, saying yes to Minhee didn't feel like the obvious choice.

"I'm home." Seonghwa's voice sounded through the apartment. He took off his shoes, scanning his home for Hongjoong, who surprisingly didn't answer. As he walked into his room, he saw him sitting on his bed in his earphones, looking at his phone.
Hongjoong looked up and met his eyes. Those suddenly so special and beautiful eyes.

"Oh hey, sorry, I didn't hear you." Hongjoong giggled awkwardly and took off his earphones.
Seonghwa looked up and down at Joong, seeing him dressed nicely and visibly ready to go out.
"You're going out?" he asked, taking off his jacket.
"Yeah. Minhee is picking me up in a few minutes. He wanted to meet."

Seonghwa's expression changed a little, which even Hongjoong could notice. Before he could say something, Seonghwa smiled.
"Giving him another chance, huh?" he said quietly and left the room, still keeping the conversation going.
"You seemed pretty ruined yesterday. Can't tell if you're hopelessly naive or just trying to joke."
Hongjoong stood up and followed him out of his room.
"Hey! He invited me, and I didn't really have a reason to decline. I mean..."
"I'm joking, Joong. Do what you want, it's your decision," he calmly said, avoiding his eyes. "Just... don't let him treat you badly. I will blame myself if he hurts you or makes you feel bad."

Hongjoong froze, looking at Seonghwa. He wanted to say something, but he felt a knot in his throat. No words came out. It felt like his voice had disappeared.
The only thing he could hear was his heart pounding in his chest.
As Seonghwa turned his head in his direction, he saw Hongjoong's face and kind of regretted what he had said again.

Hongjoong's eyes were glowing as if something impossibly emotional and touching had just happened to him. As if those words had hit him way too deeply.
He looked like an abandoned puppy who had just felt warmth for the first time. Like a colorblind person who suddenly got to see how colorful the world around him was. Like a lonely guy who had just been hugged for the first time in his life. Like a musician who had finally found the right words to finish his song.
Like a hopeless person who had just seen a spark of hope.

Seonghwa swallowed and broke the eye contact again. His hands got all sweaty, and his smile kept drifting away.
"I'll go rest a little. Have fun with Minhee."
His voice was quiet and unsteady. Even kind of painful.
Hongjoong just stood there, not even moving a little, still analyzing what Hwa had just said. Seonghwa walked over to the living room, leaving Hongjoong's sight.
"Hongjoong."

Hongjoong turned around quickly, his eyes landing on Seonghwa's immediately.
"You look really handsome in this hoodie."

"Hi, Joong-ah, I missed you." Minhee spoke while hugging Hongjoong. He replied with a hug as well, trying to look as natural as always.
"I'm sorry about yesterday. I was busy working."
Minhee acted normal and easy. His apology sounded just as unserious as everything he had ever said to him. He wasn't emotionally there, Hongjoong would say.

It was a weird feeling to talk to him right now when Joong's thoughts were rushing through his head, confusing him the whole time.
"You seem unavailable right now." Minhee's voice brought him back into reality.
"Oh, sorry. Ignore it. I just had a..."
"Yeah, whatever. Wanna go to my house?" He interrupted Hongjoong with a disgustingly playful smile. "I've been missing you, you know."

Suddenly, realization hit Joong.

It wasn't his fault that he didn't feel right with anyone he'd been dating. Not even Minhee or any other guy was the problem.
It was Seonghwa.

Hongjoong's thoughts were filled with him. His voice, his looks, his eyes, his words, his warmth...
He didn't feel loved or wanted by anyone the way he felt with Seonghwa. He could compare him to each of his exes, but no one could ever make him feel this way.
No one could give him butterflies and comfort like Hwa did. He could never trust someone the way he trusted him. He didn't have to chase or fight for him. He simply and naturally cared for Hongjoong. He gave him everything he had ever needed.
The thing he was chasing was a label, not a person.
Because he already loved someone more than anything else in this world.
Seonghwa.

"Minhee, I have to go."
Minhee's expression changed into confusion.
"What do you mean? Are you serious?"
"Fuck, I don't want to date or sleep with you. I'm sorry."
Hongjoong's voice was loud and clear, which even caught Minhee off guard. Hongjoong turned around and started walking back to his house.
"You know what? I don't need you either, idiot."
Minhee laughed, but you could see how much this affected his ego. He was convinced that Hongjoong would run after him, but now Hongjoong was the one leaving him all alone.
He threw some swears at him, but Hongjoong completely ignored him.

His mind was somewhere else.
Three floors higher.

"Did you forget something?" Hwa shouted, walking to the door to see Joong.
When he saw him, he was all sweaty and out of breath, visibly having run there.
"You took the stairs? Sporty."

"Seonghwa."

Hongjoong's voice sounded raw, and his expression was completely serious, but somehow still soft.
Seonghwa swallowed and stayed still, waiting to hear him.

"You said I looked handsome," he said. "I wear this hoodie every day."

Seonghwa froze. He didn't say anything for a minute, but suddenly he sighed, looking at the floor to avoid Hongjoong's gaze.

"There isn't a day where you don't look good, Joong."

Hongjoong's heart was pounding unbelievably fast and loud. He felt heat rising in his cheeks and his body getting weaker.
But somehow, it felt... comfortable.

"I don't think I need Minhee or any guy out there," he quietly explained, walking closer to Hwa slowly.
Seonghwa meanwhile didn't move, but he visibly got nervous and a little confused.
A second later, Joong was standing right in front of him, looking straight into his deep brown eyes.

"You are my enough."

Hongjoong's hands wandered to Seonghwa's cheeks, carefully touching his skin. The other didn't move, a shiver running down his spine as he felt Hongjoong's cold and slightly sweaty hands on his face.
He slightly melted into his touch, letting Hongjoong's hand rest against his skin.

"I'm such an idiot. I was chasing guys, looking for someone to love me, when you were right there with me, supporting me through this whole stupid shit," Hongjoong spoke, sounding so genuine and emotional.
"You give me even more than I deserve, and I still keep looking for someone else. I'm so fucking sorry for being this blind."

Hongjoong's voice started to break a little as he got more emotional, even tearing up. He couldn't describe in words how he felt right now, but it felt like his heart was about to explode.

Seonghwa didn't know what to say.
He had imagined this moment in a thousand different ways, but never like this. Never with Hongjoong standing in front of him, looking at him like he was the most important person in the world.

"Joong..." His voice came out barely above a whisper.
Hongjoong looked at him, tears still gathering in his eyes.
"I'm serious, Hwa."

Seonghwa swallowed hard. His eyes softened as he slowly raised one hand and placed it over Hongjoong's.
"You don't have to apologize for that," he whispered. "You were just looking for something you didn't know you already had."
Hongjoong's lips trembled into a small smile.
"And what do I have?"
Seonghwa looked directly into his eyes.
"Enough."

For a few seconds, neither of them moved.
Then Hongjoong stepped closer, carefully closing the distance between them. He looked down at Hwa's lips and swallowed. Seonghwa smiled shyly and gave Hongjoong a small, quick kiss on the lips.

The little touch felt like fireworks all over Hongjoong's body and made him melt into Seonghwa's arms. Seonghwa giggled and hugged Hongjoong gently.
"You're like a little child, Joong."
"I always dreamed of becoming an astronaut as a child to see space. I didn't know I'd get to get in touch with the whole universe instead. Without being an astronaut," Hongjoong murmured against Seonghwa's neck.
"Are you seriously saying I'm your universe, Kim Hongjoong?"
"You're even more, Park Seonghwa. So much more."

Maybe love was never about finding someone who could give you everything you thought you were missing. Maybe it was about finding the person who made you realize you were never missing anything at all. Someone who stayed, someone you could trust, someone you never had to chase. And when you finally find that kind of love, you stop searching for more.

Because sometimes, the person who feels like home is already everything you need.
And sometimes, everything you need is enough.