Chapter Text
Paige had told him to not, over and over, to the point Kevin had been able to classify her protests as background noise. He swore that sometimes she just disagreed with him for the sake of it- it definitely happened when she was a kid, so he wouldn’t be surprised if she still did it as an adult.
But the point was, he wasn’t listening.
She was still new to the investigative industry, hence probably assumed the job was more serious and thrilling than it actually was. Naively, she also seemed to assume that it was always for positive reasons, which is why she got so upset when Kevin agreed to try get evidence for this not-so-positive case… the claim that Bugs Bunny was doing some dirty work behind the scenes.
Toon cases were always funny, not because the toons themselves were, but because when serious cases like these were put next to characters known for being the complete opposite, it became sort of humorous. It was lucky that Kevin’s sense of humor wasn’t the greatest, being one of the reasons why he was able to do a good job. The other was that he seemed to not care about what happened to the toons- so he was willing to do anything to them.
To him, he just had to play whatever role he needed to, such as collect evidence in this case, then let the justice system do the rest. It would’ve been the same with humans if he was an investigator for them.
Kevin didn’t even know what this ‘dirty work’ was, but apparently it was related to the show business that the old cartoon stars had been running for a while now. The ‘classic’ Looney Tunes characters had been out of their shows for a couple years by this point, meaning they weren’t in front of the camera anymore. Some had gone off to start more human-adjacent lives in the city, some had even stayed in show business but worked behind the camera instead, and some- like Bugs- had continued doing entertainment, just in a different form.
The damn rabbit had a joint for a party venue, and Kevin was heading there now.
Again, Paige had protested. She was obviously a lot friendlier to toons than her uncle, mostly acclaimed to her newer arrival but also because she had closely worked with them before deciding to dip her toes into investigative work.
Previously, she’d worked full time as Road Runner’s translator, being able to understand his morse code messages that would then be told to the current toon stars. Roadie had originally gone off to try do his own thing, but eventually came back to be a coach for current toon shows, given his immense experience.
A groan came from Kevin when he heard the music blasting through the walls of the venue that he approached. Way too energetic for his liking. If he had a drink or two, maybe he’d be able to deal with it- it wouldn’t be his first time being drunk on the job, and certainly not the last if he was to continue. It was no hindrance to him.
Hesitantly, he walked down the stairs to the door, steadily pushing it open as the piano music began to blast straight to his face like a strong wind. He swore he’d physically rebounded at the strength of it.
On the stage was none other than Daffy, who was slamming his fists and feet into two grand pianos at once and somehow making coherent music with it: toon logic, as Kevin called it. Many different objects spontaneously formed on his hands and feet as he begun to practically beat the pianos, some members of the audience cackling at that, but Kevin just rolled his eyes.
Eventually, he found a free seat which wasn’t too close to anyone else, deciding to see if he could get a drink before the next act. Presumably Bugs would show up during then, given that Daffy was the one on stage right now.
Penguin waiters waddled about, one of them finally spotting Kevin and making their way over- they cleaned the table with a cloth so quickly that Kevin barely had time to process it before a menu was handed to him.
“Scotch on the rocks,” Kevin scoffed, not even taking the menu. The penguin gave a nod, leaving for the bar, before Kevin shouted back at them once more, “and I mean ice!”
He’d leaned back in his chair after that, giving a quick glance at the duck on the stage, who seemed to begin focusing on furiously whacking only one of the pianos.
He then flinched as he felt something squirt on his shirt, immediately glancing down to see a giant splotch of black ink; his shirt was white! Who’d have the audacity to-
Kevin almost yelped when he saw none other than the target of the case suddenly stood right next to him, holding a pen.
“Eh, what’s up, doc?” The bunny had smirked.
“Bugs,” Kevin half-heartedly greeted, a small grimace forming as he looked back down at the vandalism of his shirt.
“Don’t worry ‘bout it,” Bugs laughed, “I’m not mean- I wouldn’t ruin a white shirt like that.”
As if on cue, the splotch turned a light blue color, before completely disappearing, all within a few seconds.
“It’s disappearin’ ink!” He exclaimed.
Kevin huffed as he looked back up at the cartoon rabbit.
“Very funny.”
As he leaned back into his chair, Bugs inched closer, soon making himself comfortable leaning on the part of the table right in front of Kevin.
“Yeah, I forgot you ain’t got the laughter in ya, have ya?” Bugs acknowledged, then taking a munch of his carrot as he looked away in disappointment, “investigators gotta be serious, I suppose.”
The penguin waiter from earlier approached with Kevin’s requested drink, the latter mumbling some form of gratitude as he took it. However, just as he was about to take a sip, he noticed… his eyes widened when he reached in his drink and pulled out a literal rock from it.
Sighing, he decided it’d be even more of a headache to try explain what drink he wanted than to just not have any at all, especially with who was stood next to him now.
“Aren’t you meant to be on stage?” Kevin raised an eyebrow at the bunny, “Daffy looks like he’s about to pass out from exhaustion.”
Both glanced over to said duck, who’d now switched the piano he was focusing on, as the other seem to have completely collapsed into a pile of wood and metal, which Kevin had miraculously not noticed when it happened. Though, it was nothing out of the ordinary for a toon’s actions, which was probably why the audience continued to be entertained rather than concerned for the destroyed object.
“Nah, I got too much on my plate, doc,” Bugs casually remarked, “ain’t got the time to be here for all the shows. It’s lucky that I did have time for tonight, though, huh? Considerin’ you decided to show up.”
Remembering the whole reason he was even there, Kevin took those words carefully: of course, Bugs infamously wasn’t stupid (and plot armor seemed to love him), so he had to be cautious. But this seemed to be a step in the right direction.
“So your part of the show isn’t a thing anymore?” Kevin slowly asked, “people just come down here to see Daffy beat pianos to a pulp?”
“Oh, nah,” Bugs shook his head with a smile, “I got a replacement. I wanted Daffy to do it, ‘cause he’s done it tons of times on screen, but his heart lies with pianos apparently.” He took another munch from his carrot, then continued, “went to the next best option since he wasn’t doin’ anythin’. He’s also done it before, though not as often, so he took up the offer.”
In essence, Bugs’s act was drag. It was something he and Daffy did a lot when they were stars, and they’d decided to incorporate it into their show, where people could go and… indulge in it. What Kevin was hearing here was that another toon was now taking up the drag act.
“Right,” Kevin nodded, “so, what are you doing when-”
The music suddenly stopped and was followed by a loud applause, one which Bugs contributed to, as Daffy huffed and puffed his way to the front of the stage to bow to the audience.
“Thank you! Thank you!” The duck had called out, several times, clearly relishing in the praise.
Behind him, the two remains of the pianos were swiftly anonymously replaced by another (this one in-tact) grand piano; at the same time, a red curtain was dropped over the back of the stage. With a cough, Daffy promptly straightened up, his previously exhausted facade comedically disappearing within the blink of an eye. Closing his eyes pretentiously, the duck remained in his proud pose as he went to the new piano, this time calmly sitting in front of it.
A smoother melody was played, this time Daffy using the piano as intended, accustomed by the seemingly accumulated orchestral attire in the form of white cuffs on his wrists and neck with an orange bowtie. As this rhythm was played, some people from the audience hurriedly went closer to the stage, the middle of the curtains then being illuminated by a soft white spotlight.
This was usually Bugs’s act- Kevin had seen it before- but now it was someone else’s.
A voice suddenly was heard, an elegant and oddly sultry one, singing the usual performance song as Daffy provided the according tune.
Kevin blinked twice as he listened.
“Shockingly wonderful voice, ain’t it, doc?” Bugs commented, still leaning on the table as he glanced at his human companion. Kevin’s expression was a clear indication of his surprise, so there was no disbelief in the fact Bugs could read his exact thoughts.
“Yeah…” Kevin mumbled, genuinely wondering who this was. It wasn’t a voice he recognised, despite how long he’d been working with toons. Or maybe it was one who had a completely different singing voice, which was entirely plausible for them.
“Shame he doesn’t use it that often,” Bugs off-handedly commented, his attention back on the stage, “he’d rather use signs.”
At first, Kevin was confused by that statement, re-running it in his head a couple times (which was a difficult process given the external noise), before he realised what it meant. And that in turn only confused him further.
“Signs?” Kevin repeated, almost snapping his neck with how quickly he turned to Bugs, “you mean like-”
Bugs interrupted through grabbing Kevin’s jaw and twisting his head to the front of the stage again, his answer apparently on there.
Indeed it was, as a furry brown leg was seen stepping out from behind the curtain into view.
“Is that..?” Kevin coughed out.
“Sure is,” Bugs grinned.
From out behind the curtains stepped a toon who was not known for this sort of thing. He was known for his failures; misfiring machines, unfortunate explosions, well-timed boulders, holes in the shape of his body, and all in all, his admirable arrogance to keep on doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. It wasn’t like anything Bugs and Daffy did, so it was a fair assumption to make that something like this would never happen.
But Kevin was watching it happen right now.
“…The coyote that chased Road Runner?!”
It was even more unbelievable to realise that the singing was coming from him too. It was genuinely something out of a show, a funny one-off joke used as a shock factor, but this was a full unironic performance. A performance where the coyote adorned a sparkling red dress, an awfully revealing one, but the almost blinding glistening of it was a visual compensation- purple latex gloves accommodated them, the same color as the high-heels; a very simple yet effective outfit. And the final touch was the way he’d drooped his ears over one side of his face, covering one of his eyes, mimicking a sort of hairstyle.
“Aren’t I a genius, doc?” Bugs had suddenly commented, “this was my idea, y’know. I told him he’d look good in it.”
“I don’t know how you convinced…” Kevin murmured, feeling like he’d just blinked for the first time in ages.
“Well, he caught Road Runner, right?” The bunny finally stood up straight and took a bite from his carrot, “y’know, in the sense that they got together. You know all that, right?”
He’d been told something along those lines happened behind the scenes, yes.
“So, they weren’t doing much. Still chased each other around for funsies, but Road Runner got convinced to start workin’ for Maroon for an income. Wile E did some other stuff meanwhile, but just recently, I decided to start experimentin’ with his potential in drag- my speciality, doc,” Bugs explained, “turns out he’s great in it, as you can see. Best part is that it’s not even just for comedic value anymore- it can be done unironically and people will enjoy it.” He shrugged as he concluded, “so I thought I’d put him for my replacement. Turned out to be a great choice; folks love him.”
That claim was immediately backed by the fact Wile E was currently interacting with some people near the front of the stage. One of them had leaned upwards towards him, to which the coyote moved his hands to underneath the man’s blazer- removing them a second later revealed a stick of cartoon dynamite had been left behind. As it exploded, the others nearby to him giggled, Wile E continuing to sing as a smirk appeared on his face.
“Oh, he does that sometimes, though,” Bugs rolled his eyes, “eh, I suppose it’s in his nature. Kinda shows that his want is still with Road Runner, right, doc? Ain’t lettin’ others get too close.”
Kevin really had no idea what to reply except with a small nod, because Wile E had stepped off the stage and begun walking through the crowd. Through the crowd, and… towards them. Him. Him!
The investigator’s eyes widened as the other approached, the spotlight following him as he did so, along with the audience’s eyes. Kevin’s jaw dropped slightly when he got to their table, the two making eye contact, before Wile E then turned to Bugs. The bunny had leaned back onto the table, this time as if he was blocking Kevin from the coyote, to which said man raised an eyebrow. Wasn’t Bugs complaining about the interactions just a second ago?
That looked to have become redundant as Wile E put a hand to Bugs’s cheek, then slowly moving that hand up to behind his ear, the bunny’s eyelids fluttering with eyelashes that appeared from nowhere the entire time. That continued as Wile E begun to pull a cartoon gun from behind the other’s ear, Kevin furrowing his brow in concern at the sight, which the coyote then pointed straight at Bugs’s nose. Funnily enough, the latter did not flinch nor react, instead continuing to stare dreamily… even when Wile E fired the gun as he dragged out his final note.
But there was no worry; a plunger with a love heart at the end of it flung out, directly on Bugs’s nose, consequently covering his eyes as well. Laughter came from some people in the audience, but the loudest noise was the applause for the act, Wile E meanwhile tossing the gun away as he swung around and begun to walk back to the stage.
Kevin was left completely dumbfounded.
Bugs soon sprung back to life, taking a second to yank the plunger off his face, then admiring it as the claps died down.
“Eh, I can see why he does that now.”
Ten minutes later, Kevin found himself near the dresser rooms for the performers, which all in all only consisted of three rooms: Daffy’s, guest stars, and what was once Bugs’s, now Wile E’s. The guest room seemed to be empty, while Daffy’s door was practically off its hinges with whatever he was doing in there- seemed to be angrily arguing with someone. Initially, Kevin thought it might’ve been Bugs, before he saw said bunny stood outside of Wile E’s room.
“It’s me, Wile E!” Bugs called- Kevin caught glimpse of a bouquet in his hands- “I wanted to talk about your performance! You’re doin’ great, really!”
The door then opened, Wile E himself not visible from Kevin’s angle (he was now hidden behind a conveniently placed box), but it clearly was him from the way Bugs smiled… it was the same way he’d done it during the show.
“That’s more like it!” Bugs exclaimed, soon going into the room with one large step as the door then slammed shut.
Kevin waited a second, saw that nothing more was going to happen (you couldn’t be sure with toons), then made his move. Quickly, he practically scurried over to the door, where he then put his head to it and listened in.
“Oh, come on, doc! Signs? After your singin’ act? Speak to me, come on! Use your words!” He heard Bugs insist.
After a disgruntled sigh of obvious annoyance was heard, Kevin heard the coyote speak again- something he didn’t even know was a thing until that night.
“Daffy is the one who kept pestering me about the fact you would have the decency to show up tonight. The whole immature and, if you ask me, questionable performance with the quote unquote ‘love gun’ was all his idea, I think you’ll find,” Wile E grunted.
Kevin didn’t think he’d be even more surprised than he already was, but it turned out the coyote was very well-spoken, so there he had it.
The two went on about something or other, to which Kevin realised his own account wasn’t exactly good evidence, so maybe he’d ought to get some visual aspects. He did have a camera after all, and the bouquet that Bugs was holding piqued his interest. Maybe they were doing something shady while chatting, he didn’t know.
With that, he steadily leaned down, adjusting himself to be in line with the keyhole. The view wasn’t the best, but he could see the fact Wile E still sported the outfit, though unfortunately him and Bugs seemed to just be stood around. The former wasn’t even holding the bouquet, rather crossing his arms, the object still in Bugs’s hand.
Kevin was just thinking about what he could draw from that, before he felt a tap on his shoulder. Slightly jumping, he instantly turned his head to behind him, to find a toon bouncer gorilla angrily staring down at him.
“What do you think you’re doin’, Mr Peeper?” The gorilla growled.
“Um,” Kevin gulped, “it’s not what it looks like.”
Before he had time to properly explain, Kevin became victim of comedic cuts as he swore he blinked and was suddenly being tossed out by the gorilla. When did he even travel down the corridor to get to the outside door?! That wasn’t the biggest of his concerns, though, as he was soon thrown directly to a garbage pile.
“And stay out, ya filthy creep!” The gorilla yelled, then dusting his hands off and turning back inside, locking the door behind him.
Kevin rubbed his head as he sat up- he hoped that the toon logic that just applied to him also helped his brain not receive any damage from that collision. After taking a second, he deduced that he was fine, and annoyance soon washed over him. An attempt to neaten his hair was made as he begrudgingly got up, ready to head back to the office and claim that he was unsuccessful.
However, just as he passed by a window, he heard the two voices he’d been listening to just moments ago… and realised that just so happened to be Wile E’s room.
“Come on!” Bugs had called.
“I have a headache,” Wile E argued, “and I haven’t done it a while.”
“But you promised!”
Camera in one hand, Kevin attempted to get a glimpse, a sudden spark of motivation coursing through him at how close he was. He could finally get this stupid case off his back.
“Oh, alright…”
Kevin could tell Wile E rolled his eyes just from the way he sounded. Though what they were actually doing was still a mystery to him- one that he’d solve soon, no less. A small box was grabbed and moved to beneath the window, which Kevin then clumsily climbed and used as his boost.
“Take the dress off, at least, doc!”
Kevin immediately furrowed his brow at that. Slowly, he got up from crouching down, his knees gently moving as he pushed himself higher up, adjusting the camera to be able to catch the view. Lots of sudden noises, most noticeably the bed creaking, with exhausted huffs of both parties. Kevin’s concern only grew more as he got ready to take pictures.
When he eventually saw what was happening, he knew this was the ‘dirty work’ he’d been looking for.
“They were chasing each other.”
Kevin tossed all the photos on the table of his office. Indeed, that’s what all the commotion in the room had been about: Bugs and Wile E had commenced a little chase between the two of them, where the former would lean against several random objects (mostly the bed, as he liked laying down on it) and waited casually for Wile E to pounce, all in comedic fashion. This happened in circles for a little while before Bugs decided he wanted to play the chaser. Cue the same process but reverse, and a little less casual on the coyote’s end.
Road Runner was nothing short of devastated, and now, was sobbing into Kevin’s desk.
“I told you that you shouldn’t have done that!” Paige angrily yelled, then continuing to search the drawers for something.
“What? Got evidence of what was already happening?” Kevin frowned, “I get that it’s bad, I get that Road Runner’s upset, but it was happening either way. Bugs Bunny is just a homewrecker, apparently.”
Said bird looked up from the desk with a death glare right in Kevin’s direction, to which he swung his arms out in anger.
“Oh, don’t give me that look! It’s the damn coyote that you should be looking at like that!”
Road Runner’s glare only got more intense before he dropped it entirely when Paige tapped his back, then revealing a pile of cartoon bird seed she’d gotten from the drawer. The former took a moment to quiver his beak before beginning to slowly peck away at the seed.
“Don’t shout at him,” Paige grumbled, then proceeding to slowly pet Roadie’s back, “chasing is really important for him.”
“Yeah, it’s how they court. I know,” Kevin huffed. As he watched the bird’s sorrowful state, he sighed, and went to his pictures- it was clear that Roadie didn’t want to see them, and so, he took them away. “I’m sorry, Roadie,” Kevin continued, now feeling guilt seep into him, “I’m sure there’s loads more toons out there for you. You’ll find someone else.”
“What, someone else who’d chase him for 80 years without even thinking about stopping?” Paige sharply murmured.
Despite her attempt to keep quiet about that comment, it seemed that Roadie had overheard her as he instantly begun to furiously peck away at the bird seed. Both the humans looked over at surprise, the entire plate suddenly being devoured within seconds, a blur in place of where Roadie’s head was due to his speed.
He stopped as quickly as he started, the plate completely empty, before he exclaimed, “beep, beep beep, beep!” and zoomed out of the office. Paper went flying everywhere, though Kevin and Paige were more focused on the way their hair (and in the former’s case, blazer as well) had rebounded from the abrupt wind that Road Runner left in his wake.
“…He said that he’s going to make sure him and Wile E are happy,” Paige commented after a moment.
“Well. At least he took it well,” Kevin sarcastically remarked, really not knowing what to do with this anymore.