Work Text:
*
We dance to glow in starlight snow
Follow the tide of the black hole inside
Well, I know by heart the steepest part
When a shooting star is a sinking stone
And some say we all dance alone
-Star, The White Birch
*
Even loved watching Isak sleep.
He loved the way the covers were pulled up to his chin, face pressed against the pillow. The way his mouth was slightly open, gentle breaths escaping and his lashes fluttering. Sometimes, Even observed the movement behind his eyelids, drowning himself in imagined dreams the other might have.
He loved the way Isak tended to fall asleep on his chest, where he could inhale his scent and wrap himself around him, feeling his heart above his own, racing one. Steady breaths tickling his chin, fingers unconsciously fumbling around.
Even would ignore the pressure in his chest, his itching fingers, until Isak had fallen asleep completely. After a while he’d gently free himself from the other boy’s embrace, tugging the blanket around him.
Even wished nothing more but to simply lie down and rest, side by side with his boyfriend. But his mind was racing away from him and laying there for hours, only being able to blink into the pressing darkness while caressing Isak’s back, was simply impossible.
So, he found himself other activities to occupy himself. People often wouldn’t believe that he studied best at night. It wasn’t easy to explain how quiet everything was, how his brain just hungered for stimulation, throbbing in his skull. Some projects, especially when it was for Media-class, were completed in the hours when Isak slept, until his own eyes finally became weary. Sometimes even a few of Isak’s own assignments miraculously lay ready in the morning. Even usually earned a surprised laughter and a deep, thankful kiss, which left him quite giddy on their school-way, proud smile hurting his cheeks.
Even’s sketchbook was almost entirely filled with pencil drawings and scribbles from quiet nights in Isak’s room. With the dim light from a blanket-covered lamp on the nightstand, Even was unable to resist, sketching Isak’s features. From the cupid-bow, over his collarbones and down to a single toe peeking out from under the blanket- he’d sketched it all. When he was particularly careless, he’d lose himself in the lines on his paper and Isak’s contours, drenched in soft light. Especially the noble sharpness of Isak’s cheekbones were irresistible. The shadows under his pen often seemed exaggerated, messy, brutal.
But Even couldn’t stop his hand so he kept going and going.
When he was feeling particularly restless he’d sleep at home, where he was free to use proper paint and canvas without disturbing anyone, brushing out the sketches he’d brought along, trapping light and darkness on the stretched-out fabric. Sometimes he found himself on the windowsill, various tunes and melodies filling his head, observing the night fade and die. Pale purple and threatening clouds peeked above the outlines of sleeping roofs, the morning crawling slowly, slowly.
His mind constructed the process, step by step. He’d start with a soft greyish-blue nuance, thin and light, followed by a tint of red, or maybe a bit yellow? The clouds were last, he always knew that. But no, wait, some clouds were softer, shy and pale, he had to take care of them too.
Before his train of thoughts could stop slowly and cautiously, it mostly crashed with a sudden snap instead and he felt his eyelids grow heavy. That was when Even could finally join Isak, who greeted him with a soft mumble as he slipped under the blanket beside him, nuzzling his nose into his neck and his mind finally filled with heavy numbness.
Lately though, Even had noticed a change in their rhythm. They would lay in one of their beds as usual, their arms and legs entwined while Isak tried to leave the day behind him. Words would be exchanged from time to time but even those faded and Even was watching his boyfriend’s closed eyes, waiting for his breath to settle into a consistent pace. But a few evenings had passed when Isak fidgeted in his arms, shuffling to find a comfortable position. Occasionally he even turned away from Even so he wouldn’t have his weight all over him.
Or Isak would suggest a movie and they’d be watching until Even was tired himself and they’d fall asleep in the blue light of the monitor. Last week they’d spent a night at Even’s place and it was around 1 a.m. that Isak had joined him in the kitchen, keeping him company while he’d bake three trays of cookies. On the rare occasion that they slept in separate apartments, his phone had suddenly rang in the middle of the night with Isak’s name on the display and they’d talk or listen to each other’s breathing until Even was fairly sure, that Isak had drifted to sleep finally.
It also happened that Even’s heart would take a huge leap with surprise, when he suddenly felt Isak’s lips on his throat, gentle but persistent, traveling down further and further. A quiet giggle would escape his boyfriend’s lips as Even gasped and gripped his hair, calming the never-ending tingling in his finger-tips.
It was no surprise, that Even was completely and utterly unable to resist him like that, when Isak stared up at him with wide eyes, luminescent from the lamp, hair falling into his forehead before their lips met, as if they’d been starved from each other. The fire cursing through his veins would finally be able to break free as they moved together, skin against skin, choking their sighs with lips and teeth.
In these moments, they’d built their own tiny, sleep deprived empire, surrounded by walls of darkness and silence, desperately preventing any sounds to escape. When the heat would cease and they’d fall into the soft sheets with trembling limbs, breathing heavily, that’s when Isak would lean his head against Even’s shoulder and be gone in a few minutes.
Even’s heart on the other hand would take hours to calm down, while he struggled for air, each time overwhelmed.
And in the mornings Even would feel his heart clench guiltily as he watched Isak, dragging himself into the bathroom, eyes blurry and underlined by purple shadows. He’d watch him wandering the school corridors with an absent look on his face, pale and almost translucent and Even felt worry growing in his chest. When he asked, Isak just smiled and shrugged his shoulders, saying it was all fine. And the little voice in Even’s mind turned into a constant worried staccato of thoughts whenever he met Isak’s eyes.
What if it was his fault?
*
“Fuck…”
Even looked up from his book he was reading for class and buried a hand in Isak’s curls, who turned around to face him. His stomach dropped when he saw his boyfriend’s weary face, eyes red-rimmed and lips bitten. Isak snuggled closer and rested his head in Even’s lap, who sat propped against the wall and put the book aside immediately.
“Can’t we go for a walk or watch a movie or something?” Isak mumbled, the fatigue dripping from his voice. Even glanced at his phone.
2:45 in the morning.
They’d watched a movie earlier already and Isak had been yawning for the past hour, turning and tossing in his bed while Even had tried his best to be as quiet as possible, cursing the whispering pages.
“Baby, you have school tomorrow.” He whispered softly, stroking his boyfriend’s hair.
“It’s not like you are sleeping either…”
Even felt his throat go dry and swallowed heavily. “You know, I can settle into the living room if I am disturbing-“
“No, it’s not you, Even.” Isak interrupted him, turning his head to look at him, brows furrowed. Even watched him uncertainly, smoothing the crease between his brows gently. “Then what is it?”
Silence settled between them, filled with Isak’s uneven breaths and Even almost heard his own heart beating, feeling the anxiety in his chest swell.
“I am just kinda restless, I guess.” The boy finally mumbled, averting his eyes again, fingers fumbling with the hem of Even’s hoodie. “It’s not that much of a big deal, I just don’t want it to affect school and stuff.” He went silent again and Even felt his heart break open, like a ripe blossom. His fingers gripped Isak’s hand, stroking his knuckles.
“Isak. Listen to me.” With his other hand he tilted Isak’s chin gently, making him look back at him. “Just because I appear to be the ‘unstable’ one in this relationship, does not mean you have to repress your problems and feelings. They are just as valid. I don’t want you to suffer in silence. I want you to be able to talk to me when you feel like it, whatever it is.”
Isak blinked at him and Even saw the hesitation and he wanted to erase it. More than that, he wanted to chase away what had been clouding Isak’s nights, chase away all fear or doubt or worries he might have. So, he leaned down and left a quick kiss on his lips before pulling away and lifting his eyebrows expectantly. Isak shrugged and pulled the blanket closer, gripping Even’s hand tighter.
“I just have difficulties falling asleep sometimes…it probably isn’t that bad, I don’t even know if I could call it Insomnia but sometimes it gets worse and it really sucks.” He fell silent again, shifting under Even’s attentive gaze. “It’s like, I can’t stop my mind from thinking, you know? During the day I am pretty chill but as soon as I am in bed it all comes at once and I just don’t know how to stop it.”
Even’s chest grew very tight.
“What is it, that comes all at once?” He asked quietly, tracing the curve of Isak’s ear gingerly.
“Just everything somehow… I don’t even know. I can’t really explain it. My legs feel all weird and heavy and restless and my head hurts because I am tired but it keeps working like… like a broken radio, really.”
An embarrassed laugh escaped him and Even smiled back half-heartedly, feeling his stomach drop.
“Do you know what I mean?” Isak asked carefully and lifted his gaze again, pulling Even’s hand closer to his chin. Even took a deep breath, eyes glued on their intertwined fingers, skin shivering at the contact.
“I do.” He answered quietly and wondered, if Isak felt the endless pit too, the thoughts filling and filling to the brim, as he struggled to reach the surface, gulping all the tasteless and dull impressions around him.
Shaking his head, he pulled himself together. “I guess I experience something similar. But what thoughts are occupying you this much? I’ve seen you fall asleep as quick as a kitten in my arms. “ Even teased gently, poking his nose. Isak rolled his eyes and hid his face in Even’s stomach, a small laugh escaping his lips.
“Well, that’s because you kind of made it better these past weeks.”
Even blinked surprised, staring down at him as his heart threatened to jump out of his chest.
“I make it better?” he assured himself, not really believing what just came out of Isak’s mouth. His boyfriend just smiled at him and kissed his hand quickly, as if trying to hide it from a non-existent presence.
“Yeah, it’s sort of calming, having you here. For some time I actually thought the sleeping would be always good from now on, but I guess I was wrong...” Isak must’ve sensed Even’s surprise cause he propped himself up and cupped a hand around his jaw. “Don’t be so surprised. How many nights have I slept like a stone while you did, god knows what?”
Even was at a loss for words so he simply pulled their lips together, his taste filling his mouth and the heat that rose in his cheeks. They broke away too early but Even didn’t want to distract from the conversation, so he caught his breath again.
“But it doesn’t work anymore?” he mumbled against Isak’s cheeks, who turned his head and lay down again, eyes closing in exhaustion.
“You know, I’ve been to the school doctor already and- well she said some bullshit, but also some stuff that actually made sense.” Tilting his head into Even’s touch, he stopped once again, lips slightly parted and Even forgot how to breathe for a moment. The fact that this boy looked like an ethereal angel to him, with his golden locks and sweet lips, was incredibly embarrassing to him. Luckily no one could read his mind.
He startled a little as Isak rose his voice again, quickening in his speech.
“Basically she said that people have to talk or else they’ll be isolated and she kind of said I should go to BUP but at that time I really didn’t- well you know, all the stuff with mum. I just couldn’t do that…” he rambled on, throwing an arm across his face, blocking Even’s view. “But she was right with the talking bit cause I just keep it all in and I don’t know how to deal with that stuff so… that’s that. It has always taken some more time to fall asleep but it gets worse when I am stressed. And you were gone and it was all just pretty fucked but now you are here and I don’t understand why it’s so bad again.” He mumbled the last part quietly, voiceless and husky, and Even almost felt the weariness in his own bones, dragging them down. Gently he pulled Isak’s arm from his face to meet his eyes, caressing his cheeks.
“Just because I apparently make it better, won’t cure it miraculously. Stuff like that takes some time and it’s already a good start to know, when it gets worse and when it gets better. You said talking makes it better, yes?” Even stopped and chose his next words carefully, before continuing.
“You know I will always be there for you, Isak. Just like you are there for me when I … when I sleep for days or when my mind threatens to burn me up…” He broke off again, feeling his throat tighten and he took a deep breath to collect himself.
Sometimes he caught that startled expression on Isak’s face when words left his mouth that had sounded completely innocent in his head, but apparently were not when spoken aloud. His mind had scrambled for a simple explanation when he’d met Isak’s worried glance -that sounds kinda dark though, don’t say stuff like that- in those moments Even just wanted to cut off his own tongue, frightened by himself.
How could he possibly help Isak, when his own sleeping pattern wasn’t exactly healthy either, when the blood was pumping through his veins that it almost hurt, when he just wanted to run, to fuck it all away, to splatter colours on the wall in a desperate attempt to free his mind.
How could he possibly help Isak, when some days the weight of it all knocked him over, when everything was veiled in bleak colours and his heavy limbs dragged him down. But he wanted- he needed to let Isak know that he didn’t have to be the strong one, that they belonged together and he would do everything he could for him.
The worry must have shown on his face, because Isak nudged him gently, soft eyes blinking up to him.
“Evi?” A pleasant tingling filled his stomach at the sound of Isak’s voice, spreading in all his finger-tips. Even leaned forward until their foreheads touched gently, hair tickling their skin.
“You know I will be there, right? You know that, Isak?” he whispered almost desperately, lips moving against his temple. “This is not you, having to protect me from everything, this is us. Supporting each other. Please tell me you know this.”
Heavy, trembling breaths brushed his cheek, fingers burying themselves in his hair. Even traced the nape of Isak’s neck, following the curve of pale skin. Heat shot in in every inch of his body as he opened his mouth, the words tumbling hastily.
“I love you, Isak.”
Since the night Isak had told him, the night surrounded by snowflakes and the darkness of the city, they hadn’t exchanged these words again. When Even thought back to that exact moment, he often had to reassure himself that it hadn’t been a dream. The words kept ringing in his ears and his heart, swollen and frantic, ached. It still felt new and strange, letting these words pass his lips without having to worry about it.
Isak shifted under him, pushing his chest so he could settle beside him and pulled him down, arranging them so they faced each other. Even shivered as his boyfriend pushed a freezing foot between his ankles, pulling him closer, knee pressed against knee.
“And I love you too.” Isak whispered back, tracing his jaw until his hand rested under his chin. “It’s just so difficult for me to… you know, open up. A bit new.” The insecurity in his voice was like a stab in Even’s chest so he simply propped himself on an elbow and leaned forward, capturing his mouth with his own, hungrily, sweetly.
A tiny sigh escaped Isak’s lips as he tipped his head back and Even caught it with his tongue, the satisfaction of the other’s hand in his hair and the room around them spinning. Teeth nibbled at his skin, sensations spreading through his limbs like hot water. A hand pushed itself under his hoodie, over his ribs, his spine and the pressure pooled lower and lower until he broke away, breathlessly. Staring down at those half-lidded eyes, clouded by exhaustion yet still staring up at him challenging, it took all the self-restraint he could muster to grab Isak’s hand gently, pulling away. Even gave him a quick peck, silencing the complaint that had already been sitting on Isak’s lips.
“It’s late. Tomorrow, ok?” he whispered against his cheek, wrapping his arms around him and smiled as Isak nestled his head into the crook of his elbow. Despite trying his hardest to keep his eyes open, his lashes fluttered heavily, darkly. A faint disappointed mumble was muffled into the pillow and after a while his breath calmed down, rhythmic and deep, and Even’s heart grew three sizes wider. He couldn’t resist but mumble sweet nothings into his ears, against his neck, kept whispering and musing until Isak had left the land of consciousness completely.
Although Isak still hadn’t said what was worrying him so much, Even expected it might have to do with his parents. He hadn’t told him the details of the night he found him in front of the school, he just knew that there was some tension again between Isak and his parents. Not wanting to be invasive, Even had not asked any further. He simply hoped that Isak knew now, that he could always rely on his listening ear and believe that Even could share more worries with him and still function. But those were thoughts for another day and when Isak was ready, they’d talk about it. The most important thing was, that he was sleeping now.
That night, Even stayed by Isak’s side, the lamp on the nightstand switched off, watching his delicate features illuminated by the faint silver shine through the window. The rise and fall of his chest, the twitch in his mouth, eyelids fluttering while Even’s heart knocked against his ribcage, demanding and frantically.
But he simply lay, and watched and breathed, fingers buried in soft locks until darkness pulled him in, carrying him away too.
*