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It isn’t like he had never noticed the black haired boy before, of course he has. It was damn hard to oversee someone with this unfairly beautiful blue eyes, pale skin and elegant features like Sirius had them.
It’s just that everyone else has also noticed his friend, so Remus simply assumed that it was normal to think so. When anybody else admired his fellow, it seemed to be normal in his mind, like breathing or knowing who Merlin was. Who wouldn’t admire Sirius?
But apparently it wasn’t normal, the realisation of that hit him on a late afternoon in fall.
The air was especially cold today so Remus had told James and Peter that he would literally do anything likelier than joining them at the daily quidditch practice. Instead, he sat down in one of the comfortable red leather seats in the common room, with his biggest jumper on and a huge amount of dark chocolate.
If you ask anyone else, it was just enough to finish the book he had started reading a week ago and which was honestly a way better option than being in the freezing temperatures outside and the very much possible result of catching a cold.
But just the minute he had read the first sentence he was interrupted by way too cold hands covering his eyes.
“Moony, guess who’s back!”
Well it wasnt hard to do so, Remus would recognize Padfods voice in a million, but just to annoy Sirius he stayed silent for a second.
„Hm, I dont know, who could it be?“
Immediately, the cold hands were removed from the scar faced boy and but instead Remus was greeted with a sad looking face.
„Nooo- moonpie how could you not know? It’s me- Padfoot….“
„Naw, how should I have known that it is you who is disturbing my reading time? There are just too many people who could do that.“
Just a little more teasing, and Sirius would probably have transformed into the most sad looking puppy, and Remus couldn’t have that, so he decided to stop. The brown haired boy closed his book, completly aware of the fact that he would not have another opportunity to read today, cause once the Sirius Black has entered a room, he will need all attention on him. And usually, the people were happy to give him all attention they’ve got.
„Come here-„
He stretches out his arms towards Sirius and the body of the other folds, cause who could say no to the warmth of his Moony?
„Okayy, but don’t tease me like that again!“ he said looking ridiculously cute with that serious face.
“ im Sirius!”
„Sure.“ he agreed but couldn’t help but chuckle about the old joke Sirius made since day one. Ober the years It became something like a running gag.
The fire was lighting the room in red and orange colors,paired with the smell of Sirius‘s cologne and Remus’s hot mint tea. It was the best feeling both of them had the whole week.
The hugs they shared were something special, other than Sirius’s and James‘s hugs where both of them jumped in each others arms everytime they saw eachother, they hugged when they both needed it. When Remus failed a test, when Sirius had fought with Regulus, or when the daily school stress just got too much- they craved the touch of safety and comfort, which they apparently found in each others arms.
It was something special,something precious. To both of them.
“Moonyyyyyyyy” but ofcourse Sirius wasn’t able to be quiet for longer than a minute. Eventhough he really did enjoy the hug, he was just too impatient to finally tell his friend the news- the reason he was so excited the minute he arrived at the common room. He just couldn’t contain his excitement.
Slowly, Remus opened his eyes again, not really annoyed from the sudden reaction, because he had been expecting it the second Sirius fell into his arms.
“Yea, what’s up?”
The smaller boy sat up immediately,nearly spilling the cup of tea Remus placed on the coffee table before the embrace,luckily though Remus could catch it in the last second.
„Guess what? No wait- this hasn’t worked well the last time. I’ll tell you what. Uncle Alphard has send me my Christmas present!”
Sirius eyes had turned this special kind of blue, not that dark shade the big lake had but not that light tone of the sky either, more like a mix of both, sprinkled with bright sparkles which always appeared when he talked about something he loved or was excited about.
To Remus, it was the most beautiful colour on earth, not that he would ever say it out loud for the other to hear.
„Well show me then. Based on your reaction I’m suspecting you already know its contents.”
“Yeah- couldn’t wait till Christmas you know Moons?”
Of course, he was too impatient to wait till the designated holiday to open it- but who cares? Surely not Remus, cause Sirius was smiling like an idiot and sitting in his lap, his cute nose wrinkling in excitement. So he couldn’t even think of an argument against opening Christmas presents the night before Halloween.
With a mysterious smile on his lips, he got up, leaving the approving Remus alone in their seat.
“Be right back, I left it in my bag.”
Elegantly like always, Sirius crossed the big room. The paint worthy picture only disturbed with the little jumps he did every few steps.
As he dragged his black schoolbag back to the seat found the object he was searching for quickly.
What could it possibly be to get his so excited?
May-haps a vinyl record? But as far as he knew Bowie hadn’t dropped something new…
Or maybe a book- but it is Remus himself who would be happy about such a gift, never his friend. Sirius still would thank Alphard politely, but not dance and spin around on his way back to Remus like he is doing now.
The common room was ,if you ignored the black owl at the window and the hexed frog who was jumping around somewhere, empty and it was just them. And honestly, even if there would have been other students, Remus couldn’t have cared less.
The only thing that mattered to him right now, was Sirius who practically glowing from happiness. Remus thought he would have to thank Aplhard the next time he would see him at the New Year’s Eve dinner at the potters in Sirius’s name (who would probably forget to thank him in his sugar rush). This moment was definitely something he would remember for some time.
Remus was now expecting him to sit back down in his lap, but got disappointed when he instead just stood there before him.
The smaller boy pulled something out of the bag. And put it on. Something black. Shiny. Something which looked like-
“Remus! He gifted me a fucking leather jacket! Look at me, I’m looking like a total badass!”
The jacket was pretty tight, not roomier like the ones in the muggle cataloges which Evans looked through if she was bored. It was so tight that it flattered Sirius waist perfectly, paired with his loose fitting dark blue jeans the boy was looking handsome as fuck. His black, wavy hair shining in the light of the fire, his long legs posing on front of Remus and a confident smirk on the lips he truly looked like the human version of a fallen angel.
Remus gulped.
The room was so silent you could hear the starting rain which did nothing to cover his reaction.
Silence.
Eyes meeting eyes.
Brown meeting blue.
Autumn leaves meeting the Snow.
One.
Two.
Three.
Silence.
„Moony, I- I think it looks good. Right? Why are you so silent, is it this bad Moonpie?“
No, no it was not.
It was everything but not bad.
And mainly it was shocking Remus.
Cause that was the moment he realised.
This moment at a late afternoon in sixth year , late October.
Just the two in an empty Common room, surrounded by warm light and a comfortable atmosphere Remus realised what this feeling was.
Not friendship, not appreciation, but adoration.
He noticed Sirius. Not as his fellow, good mate. But as the gorgeous young man he was,stunning like this. Posing in his new leather jacket just for Remus, just for him. He was the first person who Padfod ran to- he was the first person he thought of showing it. And somehow that warmed his heart more than every tea and chocolate he ever drank.
He could have noticed sooner-
At hogsmeade last Christmas when they held hands so they could warm each other, and Sirius blushed, Remus had that ridiculously confusing feeling.
At the spring picnic with the others, when he was the only one allowed to braid some flowers into Sirius’s hair. Remus carried the pictures taken of that evening around since then as his favorite bookmark.
At the legendary summer party where Sirius got so drunk, that he got all clingy. Complementing Remus like an artist compliments its muse, and making the curly head giggling all shy.
Or literally just any other day he had spend with Sirius. Every breakfast in the Great hall, they talked and laughed. Every lesson his friend had drawn little stars on his scar covered hands and told him how pretty it looked. Every evening in the common room they had spend with the Mauderers, somehow finding each others eyes in the room full of people every single time.
But somehow he only realised now, just now at this random day. Nothing special, nothing dramatic. A day like any other, but at the same time one what would change their lifes forever.
Remus’s eyes observed Sirius. How could he not have seen it? How could he not have seen him?
“Is it this bad? I thought you would like it….”
Remus had completly forgotten about the actual topic, just realising he’d been silent for an embarrassing while. And Sirius, normally acting like he owned the world, was suddenly biting his lip, reacting pretty insecure for a person looking this stunning.
Remus hurried up answering, struggling to find the right words:
“No pads, no it’s not” he shrugged his silent moment of admiration off. “Not at all. You actually look quite breathtaking.” he smiled softly.
Remus wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to say but believing Sirius face lighting up- it was.
“Thanks moons, I knew you would like it too.”
Silence, again.
Nobody of them cares to move at first.
An mamihlapinatapai in its finest form.
Something in the air has changed, the two boys now staring at each other wordlessly.
The huge room seemed to get smaller, shrinking of the size which allowed them to feel just them. Just each other.
Silent staring.
Unsteady breathing out.
Remus thought it was one of the strongest feelings he had ever felt. And if he must guess, he’d probably say that those feelings weren’t just one sided. He could tell by the way Sirius licked his pink lips and his cheeks were getting pink.
He wished and hoped , it wasn’t just pure imagination.
Maybe it’s so strong because it hadn’t appeared today, but because it was always there: the realization was the only part that was missing. It was as if it had been predestined, as if it had always been meant to lead to this, and he wondered how he could ever have thought it would be any different. Maybe the fortune telling classes weren’t so useless after all, because all stars seemed to line up just for this moment.
The feelings, that were built up inside, were like the first day of autumn: first, only a single leaf turns, almost unnoticed, and then suddenly they are all red, and you wonder how they could have ever been green.
That is how his feelings spread, slowly, and then all at once. After three long seasons of waiting, this was the moment he was unconsciously always seeking out. And that certainty gave Remus the confidence to finally allow it.
“Sirius?”
“Yes.”
“Do you feel it too?”
Now, there was no going back, but something about the other boys gaze made him continue, didn’t let him back out again, like all these times before.
“I- I think so.”
“What do you feel?”
Other than Remus, Sirius had known it for a long time. It hadn't been a sudden autumn for him, no single leaf turning color. His feelings had been more like a soft summer rain that never quite stopped, sometimes growing stronger, sometimes barely noticeable, but always there. He had looked at Moony, and simply known. It was months ago, maybe even years ago, and he had learned to live with it, to carry it like a second skin.
He had noticed it in the small things: how his heart beat a little faster when Moony laughed, how he instinctively leaned toward him when they sat side by side, how he always looked for Moony first in a crowded room. It was no longer a question, it was a fact. Quiet, patient, unshakable.
While Remus was still fighting it, Sirius had long since stopped fighting. He had only waited, calm and hopeful, until Remus would see it for himself.
And now he was more than ready, cause it seemed like his Moons had finally realised what Sirius had known for what feels like an eternity. He couldn’t think about a reason why now, but sometimes it didnt have to be a big confession , sometimes a leather jacket was enough.
“I feel you.” He whispered.
And Remus felt it too. He felt Sirius.
But to hear him say those words, was like sweet honey on his tongue. It made it real, showing that this wasnt just one of his dreams he always explained with hormones and dumb teenager experiences. It was real, Sirius was real but the most real thing was probably his love for the older boy.
He loved how unbearably arrogant Sirius could be during the day, with that crooked grin, that loud voice that filled every room as if it belonged to him. And how that same confidence crumbled in the evenings when they were alone, just the two of them. Then he became soft and uncertain, searching with his eyes for reassurance, as if he needed to make sure Remus was really still there. That Remus was real. Remus loved how loudly Sirius could laugh, shameless and wild, and how tender his hands were in contrast when no one was looking. He loved these contradictions because they meant it would never become boring, but despite it all he could always rely on one thing: whenever they were out with the other Marauders, or alone, Sirius would always be there. Always there for him, and that was so wonderfully real.
His love was real.
He could see the same feelings in the blue eyes of the other boy. It kept him going.
Remus needed all his courage anyways to ask the next question, even if it should have been obvious by now.
"I have to tell you something," Remus whispered, his voice trembled. "And you don't have to say it back, that's okay, I just have to get it out now, because otherwise I—"
"Moony," Sirius interrupted softly, but Remus shook his head, he knew he had to say it now or he never would.
"I love you," he blurted out, far too fast, so fast he worried Sirius might not have heard him. "I've loved you for so long and I'm so afraid it will ruin everything, but I can't pretend anymore that it isn't true. I know this is coming out of nowhere, but I'm feeling it stronger than ever right now."
Silence. A second that felt like an entire lifetime.
Then Sirius leaned forward, the leather of his jacket creaking. He reached for Remus's face, both hands, warm and steady, and gently forced him to look at him by tilting his head back. His blue, glittering eyes shone.
„You idiot Moony, I love you too," he murmured, his voice rough with emotion, "I thought you'd never realize it."
Remus's breath was caught, as if it would escape, this dream of his would end.
He had hoped for it. But there had been this small chance that maybe, Remus had imagined everything and it wasn’t true. He couldn’t be more happy that to have his theory disproven this one time.
“Really?” He had to make sure.
“Yeah.”
"Can I kiss you?" he whispered, still looking up at Sirius in quiet wonder
Sirius smiled, tender and a little impatient. "Idiot," he breathed again and nodded, "of course Moony, of course my Moony can kiss me."
Thats it.
This was the last cut through the straw of doubt he had.
So he kissed him.
At first just a hesitation, lips barely touching, as if they had to check whether this was really allowed to happen. But then Remus gave in, a quiet, trembling exhale against Sirius' mouth, and everything they had held back for so long, broke free. It wasn't a soft, careful kiss anymore .It was years of glances, innocent touches, unspoken words all finally finding a way out. Sirius' hands slid from Remus' cheeks to the back of his neck, holding him tight as if he was afraid he might disappear again, and Remus clung to the leather jacket, pulling him closer, closer.
A tingle raced through Remus' entire body, from his lips to his fingertips, hot and electric, and his heart beat so loudly he was sure Sirius must feel it. It was overwhelming and at the same time the greatest relief of his life, finally,
finally.
When they pulled apart, just for a breath, their foreheads leaned against each other. Both were breathing heavily, and Sirius laughed softly, trembling and overwhelmed with happiness. By now he had crawled back into Remus's lap, making it himself comfortable.
They spent the next hours exchanging all those memories, since when and how it had been for each of them. They relived them, laughing softly at missed moments and falling quiet at those that had almost hurt with memory’s of longing. Outside, autumn settled over the castle grounds like a warm blanket. Golden light fell through the colorful leaves, red, orange and brown slowly swirling through the air and settling on the windowsills. It smelled like rain, damp leaves and a bit like smoke from the chimneys, and somewhere in the distance, the muffled laughter of students running through the rustling foliage could be heard.
In between, they kept stealing short kisses, tender and unplanned, simply because they couldn't help it. A kiss for every unspoken memory, a smile for every new realization.
And so it came to be that Remus Lupin, noticed Sirius Black. On an unassuming autumn afternoon, between falling leaves and low sun, and the day would never be just a random day for the two of them again. From now on, it was their day, every year they would make sure to celebrate it. The day Remus noticed his, now, boyfriend. The day since both of them could finally feel everything and express their love, not afraid anymore what the other would think and if it was abnormal.
Not hidden anymore, just there.
Just real.
Just them.