Work Text:
PIRATE, QIFREY THE
VS
THE ALLIANCE OF BRIMMED CAPS REPRESENTED BY SARSAN
TRANSCRIPT OF INQUISITION
Before The Honrable Great Sages: The Wise In Principles Vinanna, The Wise In Friendship Lagrah, The Wise In Teachings Beldaruit
Appearances of Council:
For the Plaintiff: Hiehart, Attorney
For the Defendant: Iguin, "Attorney"
"Honourable Great Sages and audience of the court, I hope I find you all in good health. Truly. For I, Iguin, am here today as legal council on behalf of The Alliance of Brimmed Caps." Iguin clasps their hands behind their back and slowly paces across the inquisition floor. "Most of you of course know The Alliance as simply the Brimhats. You have seen us, I mean them, in your hospitals, working alongside doctors to ensure the best care for our country. Remember the previous year's outbreak? It is true: Fewer people died. And the Brimhats were at the center of it."
"That man," they stop and point dramatically to Qifrey, "that pirate, seeks to end all of it, putting a stop to Brimhat healthcare innovation. He is a known criminal, mentally ill, and deeply unpopular." Several audience members and Sages nod in agreement.
"Why, he comes to us today from his jail cell, where he serves a life sentence for crimes that he fully admits to. Perhaps this is all a game to him, some twisted gamble for attention. We must not let this weird, wretched man in the way of progress and better health for all. Furthermore—"
>Wise in Principles bangs a gavel.
>Wise in Principles: Sit down.
>Mx. Iguin: What?
>Wise in Principles: You heard me.
>Mx. Iguin: But I haven't finished my opening argument.
>Wise in Principles: You don't get an opening argument jackass this is an inquisition. I am the chair, these two are my entourage, and we ask the questions.
>Mx. Iguin: Then what am I here for?
>Wise in Principles: To tell your client when to shut up.
>Wise in Friendship: To give your client legal council.
>Wise in Teachings: Didn't they teach you this in the academy?
>Mx. Iguin: Ah yes, I had a momentary lapse in memory. Apologies, I am anemic. It was just discovered.
>Mr. Hiehart: Your Honor if I may ask, since they gave an opening argument, can I give one too?
>Wise in Friendship: That is not the standard format of an inquisition.
>Mr. Hiehart: If it was the standard format, then the rule would be that both sides are allowed an opening argument.
>Wise in Principles: I like rules.
>Wise in Teachings: That does sound fair.
>Wise in Friendship: It seems we're off to a great start.
>Wise in Principles: Don't act like you're above it. Kid, give the argument.
"Honourable Great Sages and audience of the court, what Iguin said is true. Wait, no, a lot of it was a lie, just the stuff about my client is true. He is a criminal. And he is not particularly well-liked."
"So then I ask you: Why are we here? Qifrey has already turned himself in of his own volition. He confessed to all of his crimes for a chance to take down the Brimhats in a court of law as one of their victims. Because unlike what the opposing council would have you believe, they do have victims. This "progress" they speak of comes at the cost of unlawful human experimentation, a moral rot that spreads from those who abduct victims to the very hospitals where the Brimhats roam. We are here today because in the previous trial, my client and I were able to show that this rot went all the way up to the Great Sages themselves!"
Hiehart pauses and turns to the Sages. "Not these Sages though, obviously. The Great Sages before me are, well, Great. Of course I meant the ex-Wise in Friendship Engendale, who was arrested after the trial, though he suspiciously died before his interrogation. My point is, something sinister is happening beneath our very noses, and we must pull out every last root for a safe and just society."
>Mr. Sarsan: Yeah, yeah, that's a scary little story ya got goin' on, but yew don't 'ave any proof, do yew?
>Wise in Principles: This is where council would advise their client to shut the fuck up.
>Mx. Iguin: Sarsan shut the fuck up.
>Wise in Principles: But he's right. The point of this inquisition is to gather the testimonies of witnesses or victims. And the pirate brat doesn't count, I've heard enough of him already.
>Pirate Qifrey: I object!
>Objection is struck down.
>Mr. Hiehart: Well I also object!
>Objection is also struck down.
>Wise in Principles: Look kid, you don't have any evidence.
>Pirate Qifrey: My right eye is quite literally in Iguin's head, the evidence is right fucking there!
>Mx. Iguin: I have heterochromia.
>Wise in Principles: See? It's heterochromia, don't be ableist.
>Mr. Hiehart: I object! Heterochromia is not a disability.
>Objection allowed.
>Wise in Principles: In that case, it doesn't suit you (defendant). You picked the wrong color.
>Mx. Iguin: I look the exact same as him (plaintiff) is this a joke?
>Mr. Hiehart: Can she say that?
>Pirate Qifrey: No this is good, for her, this is progress.
>Wise in Principles: What was that?
>Pirate Qifrey: Nothing.
>Pirate Qifrey: Though you were there when they dug me up as a child! I'm telling you it was the Brimhats who buried me alive!
>Mx. Iguin: That could've been anybody, you were annoying back then.
>Wise in Principles: You were annoying back then.
>Wise in Teachings: You were a darling boy!
>Wise in Principles: They're right, it still isn't proof. No one witnessed any Brimhats that day.
>Wise in Friendship: Speaking of witnessing, do we have any witnesses for today's inquisition? Let's try to maintain order.
>Wise in Teachings: Yes, as Lagrah said, are there any witnesses present?
>Wise in Teachings: Because if not, then I am sorry my dear, but we must conclude this case.
>Mr. Hiehart: We have a witness!
>Wise in Friendship: Really? Interesting…
>Wise in Principles: Finally, something we can work with.
>Wise in Principles: So where are they?
>Mr. Hiehart: He's here in the general sense, but he isn't, um, "here" here.
>Wise in Principles: So what? You mean to summon a fucking ghost or something?
>Mr. Hiehart: No!
>Pirate Qifrey: …He isn't coming, is he, Hiehart?
>Mr. Hiehart: He is! He's just late, I don't know, maybe the roads were bad?
>Mr. Sarsan: See, they got nothin'. The liar's jest wastin' yer time.
>Mx. Iguin: I agree with my client. This is a waste of our time.
>Wise in Principles: …
>Wise in Friendship: …
>Wise in Teachings: …
>Wise in Principles: No one is coming.
>Wise in Principles: Do you want me to call it, Bel?
>Wise in Teachings: No, I'll do it.
>Wise in Teachings: Qifrey, my darling, I am so sorry, but I am afraid that we must—
Before he can finish, the door bursts open. A bearded man with dark hair and an equally dark cloak strides in, walking down the center aisle to stop at the witness stand.
"Sorry I'm late," the newcomer announces, "I'm here to testify."
"He's here," Hiehart exclaims, "our witness!"
"Your witness," says Sarsan, "'ave yew gone mad? That's your pirate brat's number one victim. Clearly 'es on our side."
Hiehart slams his hand on the table. "He is not your witness! I am the one who filled out the super boring paperwork to summon him to this inquisition along with a detailed personal letter asking him to be my friend. So, he is our witness."
"Let it be known I did not respond to the personal letter," the newcomer pipes up, "so there is no conflict of interest in me being here today."
Hiehart perks up. "Brilliant! As expected from my future close personal friend and strictly professional witness! Why, we should all—"
He's interrupted by the sound of a gavel. "That's enough," says Vinanna. "I don't care who he came for, or who his friends are. I am only mildly interested in why he was late and if it affects my commute. Most importantly, I will be asking the questions, so everyone else shut up.
>Wise in Principles: You, witness, state your full name.
>Olruggio of the Torch: Olruggio of the Torch
>Wise in Principles: Why were you late?
>Olruggio of the Torch: There was an overturned carriage blocking the road.
>Wise in Principles: Which road?
>Olruggio of the Torch: I don't remember the name. It was the one between the second and fourth-most depressin' buildings of the Great Hall. The ones with the clouds.
>Wise in Principles: That's out of my way, perfect.
>Wise in Teachings: Speak for yourself…
>Wise in Principles: I just did.
>Wise in Friendship: You can probably get around it if you take the melancholy bridge to the road by the somber buildings.
>Mx. Iguin: Fantastic. Now that we all have our escape routes; Mr. Torch, tell us about what that pirate took from you.
>Olruggio of the Torch: That's not an official question.
>Wise in Friendship: No it was not.
>Wise in Friendship: But Mr. Torch, did Qifrey steal from you?
>Olruggio of the Torch: Just Olruggio is fine.
>Just Olruggio: And yes.
>Wise in Principles: What exactly did he take from you?
>Just Olruggio: His ship, food, rope, medicine, binoculars, sails, general supplies, sailing books, maps, a compass, I'm pretty sure he's wearing my shirt, a lot of bandages… are you sure you want me to keep going?
>Wise in Principles: We get the gist.
>Wise in Principles: So you are his victim.
>Just Olruggio: In a way. But I didn't come here for that.
>Mr. Hiehart: Have you ever seen a Brimhat try to take someone?
>Just Olruggio: Yes.
The room gasps.
"Did you really," asks Beldaruit. When Olruggio affirms that he did, Beldaruit says, "please, then, tell us what you saw."
"While I was at a port with my apprentices a few seasons ago, someone snatched up one of my girls, Coco, and tried to escape by boat. The kidnapper's face was covered by a large mask in the shape of an eye, but it was certainly a brimmed cap atop their head."
"Maybe the girl had debts," offers up Iguin, "something like a dispute over roasted strawberry treat money perhaps? It's more common than you think."
"Isn't Coco ten?" asks Beldaruit.
Olruggio shoots Iguin a look. "Twelve, and both her character and strawberry treat money are fine. As I was sayin', the Brimhat took Coco away and hopped on a boat to escape. I got on a boat to chase 'em, but it took me a bit to get up and goin'. By the time I got there, Qifrey had caught up to them and was fightin' the Brimhat. Because of him, Coco and I were able to get away. 'Course I reported it, but they were long gone by the time the knights got there."
"There you have it," says Qifrey, "the truth." He sits back in his seat with a smile.
Olruggio smiles over at Qifrey before remembering himself. "Are there any other questions you'd like to ask me?"
"Not at the moment," says Vinanna.
"Are you sure there are no other questions?"
"Give us a fucking minute."
"I think he has something to say," says Hiehart.
"Do you have something you want to say?" asks Lagrah.
"Yes," says Olruggio, who looks directly at Qifrey and asks, "are you coming back?"
>Mr. Hiehart: Awwww.
>Wise in Teachings: Qifrey don't answer that.
>Mr. Hiehart: Aw you're blushing! But yes as your legal council, don't answer that.
>Wise in Friendship: Okay, I'll bite. Why did you ask that?
>Wise in Principles: Those two are not listening.
>Wise in Principles: They're not even looking at us for fuck's sake.
>Wise in Teachings: Do you think Qifrey is really wearing his shirt?
>Wise in Friendship: It does look outside Qifrey's typical style.
>Wise in Principles: Okay enough you two (witness and plaintiff)! My colleague asked you a question.
>Wise in Friendship: Yes, thank you Vinanna. I asked why you asked if Qifrey was planning on returning. Which is illegal, by the way.
>Just Olruggio: Since he's been gone there's been an increase in Brimhat criminal activity in the Naakiwan Downs.
>Wise in Principles: I did have to send more knights out there than usual...
>Just Olruggio: Because of it, I myself am not traveling by boat anymore for commissions.
>scribe's note: WHAT?!?!
"What do you mean "not traveling by boat,"" says Vinanna, "what about our tiles? We need those." The audience trades frantic whispers in the back.
Olruggio shrugs and says, "it's not safe."
"Take Easthies then! You'll be fine. We commissioned you for the renovation of our halls. All that bullshit about livening up the place."
Lagrah says, "and if I may add, you refuse to take up residence here. Of course, we respect this decision, since travel by boat allows for timely completion of your work. But without the ocean, it won't be ready in time."
"That damn fool King Deanreldy is going to look down on the Great Hall," says Beldaruit. "Everyone knows those artisanal tiles are the sign of wealth."
Vinanna nods in agreement. "That punk king, thinks he can walk all over us… Listen, you put those tiles in all the palaces of Zozah, but not here? Is this some fucking political statement or something?"
Qifrey slumps in his seat and mutters, "so this is what they think is important…"
"No, this is good," Hiehart whispers to him, "I mean it's terrible but we can use it. Besides, my office is in the first-most depressing building. I want those tiles."
Plenty of arguments are made, but none stick. Olruggio remains firm. "It isn't just me," he says, "none of the renowned and plentiful artisans of the Naakiwan Downs will travel either. And I won't try and force them to. If their lives aren't important enough to protect, their wares must not be important enough to buy. To be honest though, I don't think they'd listen even if I tried, now that their protector is gone."
"Their protector?" asks Beldaruit.
"Yup," says Olruggio, pointing at Qifrey, "him."
"Can you elaborate?"
"Qifrey's well known in the Naakiwan Downs. He saves people from the Brimhats, just like he did Coco. We appreciate that kinda thing down there. It feels like there's someone out there keepin' you safe. Except, he's not so good at keepin' himself safe, so we'll leave a sturdy ship unattended here an' there, some unguarded food, some clothes. People fish him out of the water when he falls in 'cause he can't swim, or tend his wounds when he washes up on shore. The books were a great idea, he stopped getting stranded as much."
>Mr. Hiehart: When you put it that way, it sounds like he isn't very good at piracy…
>Pirate Qifrey: Hey! I am a great pirate.
>Mr. Hiehart: But he is great at protecting!
>Mx. Iguin: Let the record show that plaintiff Qifrey admits he's a great pirate.
>Wise in Teachings: You don't have to say that.
>Mr. Hiehart: Let the record show the evidence isn't promising.
>Wise in Teachings: You don't have to say "let the record show" they transcribe everything we say.
>Wise in Teachings: Though yes, the evidence isn't exactly promising.
>Wise in Principles: Yeah he could do better.
>Wise in Teachings: But you're a fine protector, Qifrey!
>Wise in Friendship: I don't think that it is necessarily fair to say he is a bad pirate. He's only one person so to compare him to an entire a pirate crew is— wait.
>Wise in Friendship: If the goods were offered willingly for protection, isn't he just providing the public a service?
>Pirate Qifrey: I didn't ask them—
>Mr. Hiehart: So he would have done it for free!
>Just Olruggio: At great risk to his own safety too, since he can't swim and all.
>Mr. Hiehart: Why, he's a hero!
>Mx. Iguin: No he is not, he himself admits he stole.
>Mx. Iguin: And anyway, the problem is that your people are scared, right?
>Mx. Iguin: The the solution is obvious. Just send a few of your own people to steal the "offerings" from the boats.
>Wise in Principles: Lying to people to keep the peace, huh? A classic.
>Wise in Teachings: Oh I do love that.
>Wise in Friendship: It is our usual MO.
>Just Olruggio: Are you forgetting that those are my boats? Are you telling me to lie to my people?
>Wise in Principles: Yes.
>Wise in Teachings: Yes.
>Wise in Friendship: Yes.
>Just Olruggio: Unbelievable. The great hall is but one city of Zozah. It wouldn't be that much of a loss to cut trade to it.
>Mx. Iguin: Are you threatening The Great Sages? I must object! Why, surely this is corruption, is it not?
>Mr. Sarsan: Yeah, 'es probably tryin' ta take us down with the pirate so they can take the market.
>Mx. Iguin: The pirate's guilt was thoroughly examined in his initial sentencing, was it not? If there was a different motivation to his actions, he would have argued it for a lighter sentence.
>Mx. Iguin: So we must wonder, what is the point of bringing this new… contextualization of his actions to light? Might it be to distract us?
>Just Olruggio: Distract us from what, exactly? You stealin' people?
>Just Olruggio: No one in the Downs would be teachin' a pirate to sail if there weren't somethin' worse on our coast.
>Mx. Iguin: We, I mean they, would never, ever, do such a thing.
>Pirate Qifrey: My EYE is in your HEAD.
>Mx. Iguin: Not EVERYTHING is about YOU, Qifrey. So irritating.
>Just Olruggio: I think some things are about him.
>Mr. Sarsan: Obviously yew'd say that, your payin' 'im to attack us!
>Mr. Hiehart: So you admit my client provided a service!
>Mx. Iguin: Not necessarily.
>Mr. Hiehart: You have to make up your mind.
>Mx. Iguin: Well what are our options?
>Wise in Principles bangs a gavel.
>Wise in Principles: As informative as that was, we are off topic.
>Wise in Principles: Qifrey listen to me and ignore whatever Beldaruit is about to say. Did you steal?
>Wise in Teachings: Don't answer that.
>Pirate Qifrey: Yes, as I said in my trial. Nothing today changes that.
>Pirate Qifrey: I am sorry, Beldaruit. For everything.
>Wise in Principles: Ok.
>Mx. Iguin: …
>Mx. Iguin: That's it?
>Wise in Principles: Yeah. The kid is a lot of things but he knows better than to lie to me unlike you lot and my idiot peer.
>Wise in Principles: Though obviously like he said this doesn't change anything.
> Just Olruggio: For the record it doesn't change anything for me either.
>Wise in Principles: Bel already said you don't have to—Why are you still here? You miss him that much?
>Just Olruggio: Well, yes. Jail is far.
>Wise in Principles: …
>Wise in Teachings: Oh!
>Wise in Friendship: Would you look at that…
>Pirate Qifrey: I miss you too.
>Mr. Hiehart: Wow!
>Mr. Hiehart: I need a moment…
>Pirate Qifrey: Are you alright?
>Mr. Hiehart: Yeah it's just the way you said that was so sweet… I couldn't have asked for a better client.
>Pirate Qifrey: Thank you?
>Mr. Hiehart: So are you two going to have a long distance relationship?
>Pirate Qifrey: While it is necessary, I suppose.
>Mr. Hiehart: I'm not going to read into that.
>Pirate Qifrey: That's probably best.
>Just Olruggio: Besides that, the longer I—
>Mx. Iguin: Did the pirate not just admit his intentions to break out of prison?
>Wise in Teachings: It's unclear, they didn't read into it.
>Just Olruggio: Besides that—
>Mx. Iguin: Could any of the three Great Sages in this room ask them to read into it?
"BESIDES THAT," Olruggio bellows, glaring at Iguin, "the longer I am here, the more I recognize you two Brims." He pauses, and the room waits with baited breath. After a moment, Olruggio turns to the Great Sages and says, "is anyone going to ask?"
"Man, just talk," says Lagrah.
"Alright, then. I suppose that's what I get for trying to follow the rules. Anyway, I recognize him." Olruggio points at Sarsan. "You're the one who tried to experiment on my apprentice Agott a few weeks ago. You hid your face, but I recognize your voice."
"That is a lie," says Iguin, "aimed to slander us!" Sarsan elbows them in the side, but they continue. "And let me guess, Qifrey swooped in and saved her from the scary cloaked Brimhat."
"No," says Olruggio, his face darkening, "that time, it was me."
Several of the audience members gasp, and the room dissolves into a flurry of murmurs. Attempting to put a stop to all this, Iguin leaps out of their seat and bangs their fist on the table infront of them. "I object! Clearly this "witness" is biased. He is obviously romantically involved with the plaintiff. We cannot trust his testimony."
"I don't think it is obvious," Qifrey pipes up, "I found it very confusing actually."
"I agree," says Olruggio.
"Was it one of those "will they, won't they" situations," asks Lagrah.
"No," says Olruggio, "more like a "they probably won't but maybe they should" situation."
"Well considering he was robbing you, maybe they shouldn't," says Iguin.
"Oh shut up," says Olruggio, "and I would never lie about my apprentices' safety. Not even for Qifrey."
The three Great Sages nod. "He has a point," says Vinanna, "nepotism is important."
Iguin groans. "You know what, sure, nepotism is important. But we must wonder if this is truly nepotism. He is an inventor, as are the Brimhats. The name "of the Torch" implies fire, does it not? And what is fire but life? Life, and healthcare, is the Brimhat's domain. By eliminating them, he aims to take the market for himself. This is corruption!" They pause and then add, "the sort of corruption that you do not like!"
"Actually, I have never considered this sort of corruption before," says Beldaruit.
"Me neither. I'm not sure if I like it or not," says Vinanna.
"I think it depends on who is complaining," says Lagrah. "I'll add it to our next meeting agenda."
Olruggio turns to Iguin and asks, "how did you know the Brimhat was cloaked?"
"Pardon?"
"Earlier, you said Qifrey must have swooped in and saved Agott from "the scary cloaked Brimhat." How did you know he was cloaked? I didn't say it."
"It's a reasonable assumption, is it not?"
"And while we're at it, though your voice isn't as distinct as your colleague's, I think I recognize it and your mannerisms. You're the one who took Coco, aren't you? And you're playin' lawyer, how's that for corruption?"
"This is slander! You're throwing baseless accusations hoping something sticks."
"Oh I'd like to go over there and throw somethin' else!"
"Try it, coward."
>A recess is called.
>Recess duration: half a clock mark.
>The inquisition resumes.
>Notable changes: Mx. Iguin is removed as The Alliance of the Brimmed Caps legal council and placed as a representative defendant alongside Mr. Sarsan. The Great Sages agree that for visual balance, Just Olruggio is a plaintiff alongside Pirate Qifrey. The inquisition reconvenes on legal council selection for the defendants.
>Mr. Easthies: I am not an attorney.
>Wise in Teachings: Oh we are aware.
>Wise in Principles: You're close enough. And you were close enough to get over here in time.
>Wise in Friendship: I'll sign off on that.
>Mr. Easthies: It is neither ethical for me to be here nor do I want to be here.
>Pirate Qifrey: Trust me, no one wants you here.
>Wise in Teachings: At least that's something you two boys can agree on!
>Mr. Easthies: Ugh.
>Pirate Qifrey: Ugh.
>Wise in Principles: I don't care what you want, you are here and you are going to do this.
>Wise in Principles: But at least you got to go out of your room! That's got to be nice for someone on house arrest, right?
>Mr. Easthies: I've come to cherish the time in my room. Filthy thought it may be, it is suits me better than these halls…
>Wise in Principles: See what I mean, Bel?
>Wise in Teachings: Yeah, he really does remind me of…
>Pirate Qifrey: …
>Wise in Teachings: …someone, when they were younger.
>Wise in Friendship: Who?
>Pirate Qifrey: …
>Wise in Friendship: Oh! Yeah I see it.
>Mr. Sarsan: I'm concerned about this "ethical" statement of 'is.
>Mr. Hiehart: Oh now you're concerned about ethics.
>Mx. Iguin: Easthies, do you believe we are guilty?
>Mr. Easthies: Yes.
>Mx. Iguin: See? He can't be partial.
>Mr. Hiehart: Easthies, do you believe Qifrey is guilty?
>Mr. Easthies: Yes.
>Mr. Hiehart: Belief in innocence is not part required of a real attorney, but there you have it.
>Wise in Principles: Good enough for me.
>Mr. Sarsan: Since Olruggio of the Torch is now a defendant, that means 'e can't be a witness, right? So they 'ave no witnesses against us.
>Wise in Friendship: No, his testimony still stands.
>Wise in Teachings: We just wanted to balance the room.
>Wise in Teachings: And keep you separated.
>Wise in Principles: Though I bet those two fools (plaintiffs) just wanted to sit next to each other. I bet they're over there playing footsie or some other lovesick bullshit.
>Pirate Qifrey: We are not!
>Mr. Hiehart: I can confirm! They're just holding hands under the table, it's super cute.
>Wise in Teachings: Aw.
>Wise in Principles: Ugh.
>Wise in Principles: Anyway, we do have another witness. If our plaintiffs are telling the truth about the pirates chasing off the Brimhats, then his absence should mean there is more Brimhat activity. I have sent more of my knights to the Naakiwan Downs lately, and luckily, one of them is in town and was close enough to get over here during our recess. Luluci, you can come up now.
>Mr. Easthies: Why is Luluci back at the Great Hall?
>Wise in Principles: State your name, dear.
>Ms. Luluci: Luluci.
>Wise in Principles: What is it that you do, Luluci?
>Ms. Luluci: I am a member of the Knights Moralis.
>Wise in Principles: Correct. You are stationed in the Naakiwan Downs currently, correct?
>Ms. Luluci: Yes.
>Wise in Principles: Why were you sent there?
>Ms. Luluci: You sent me because of increased reported criminal activity.
>Wise in Principles: Have you ever been stationed at the Naakiwan Downs before?
>Ms. Luluci: Yes, usually to help out after a disaster, nothing like this. It's usually pretty peaceful down there.
>Wise in Principles: But it isn't peaceful now? Would you say it is more dangerous?
>Ms. Luluci: Well yeah.
>Ms. Luluci: I'm only here because Utowin got stabbed and we had to move him to the Great Hall's healing spire.
>Mr. Easthies: WHAT?!?
>Wise in Principles: He'll be fine, he just needs to walk it off.
>Mr. Easthies: I need to go be with him.
>Wise in Principles: Are you sure? That's what a boyfriend would do.
>Mr. Easthies: I am not in a romantic relationship with Utowin.
>Wise in Principles: Prove it then. Sit down.
>Wise in Principles: Good. You can visit him afterwards.
>Mr. Hiehart: You weren't joking, she's good.
>Pirate Qifrey: Right?
>Ms. Luluci: And Galga got a concussion.
>Mr. Easthies: WHAT?!?
>Wise in Principles: Are you fucking serious they took out the quiet one?
>Wise in Principles: We can't lose any more of those. Everyone else talks too much.
>Just Olruggio: Are they going to be alright?
>Ms. Luluci: I think so? They seem to be alright for now, but they aren't getting better…
>Pirate Qifrey: Have you checked them for that poison the Brimhats like to use? Sinocia and Ermile at the healing spire should know what to look for.
>Ms. Luluci: No, we didn't know anything about that, thank you.
>Ms. Luluci: Also are you coming back?
>Wise in Principles: You too?
>Ms. Luluci: I don't have a thing for him like Olruggio does but he does make my job a lot easier.
>Ms. Luluci: These Brimhats are merciless, they never give up and there's so many of them, all the time…
>Ms. Luluci: We never have any free time or any pudding to eat and we're always on boats. I'm a horse girl I'm not made for boats…
>Ms. Luluci: They make me want to quit.
>Mr. Easthies: You're doing a great job Luluci and important work, keep your chin held high.
>Wise in Principles: Let's not make any rash decisions Luluci, why don't you go sit next to Easthies, you're friends right? Someone get her some pudding.
>Wise in Teachings: Well, shit.
>Wise in Principles: You can say that again. I can't lose three of my best knights.
>Wise in Friendship: I think he meant about the Brimhats.
>Wise in Principles: And how are we supposed to address that if all my knights quit?
>Mr. Easthies: Can we go see Utowin and Galga now?
>Wise in Principles: I think I've heard enough. You agree?
>Wise in Friendship: Yes.
>Wise in Teachings: Yes.
>Wise in Principles: Easthies and Luluci, you can go. We'll deliberate over what we have heard here today and return with our verdict.
>Mx. Iguin: None of this is fair to us.
>Wise in Friendships: We do not care, you are literally guilty.
>Mx. Iguin: It just feels like we're the only ones trying to be professional and you lot are not playing along.
>Mr. Sarsan: I miss the old guy.
>The Great Sages leave for for deliberation.
>Duration of deliberation: one-quarter clock mark
>The Great Sages return to give their verdict.
>Notable changes: During the deliberation period, the defendants Mx. Iguin and Mr. Sarsan attempted an escape. The defendants were apprehended and returned by Mr. Easthies and Ms. Luluci in handcuffs to the inquisition for the verdict.
>Wise in Principles: So obviously the Brimhats are guilty.
>Wise in Principles: That stunt of running away certainly didn't help.
>Wise in Principles: For those who are worried, they were apprehended by Easthies and Luluci who were still close by. We captured some of their co-conspirators too. Now that we have them in our custody, we will further investigate and put an end to all this.
>Pirate Qifrey: Finally.
>Wise in Principles: Now, for Qifrey's verdict.
>Pirate Qifrey: Me? But I didn't do anything?
>Wise in Principles: During this inquisition it became clear that you mainly stole from Olruggio of the Torch. So, I am transferring the responsibility of carrying out your sentence to him.
>Just Olruggio: What's that supposed to mean?
>Wise in Principles: He's your problem now. I don't care what you come up with for him, I need my cells open for this bullshit.
>Just Olruggio: Can I pardon him?
>Wise in Principles: No kid this isn't a fairytale, he has to be at least a little bit miserable at all times. Just take him with you and make something up.
>Wise in Teachings: I object! We did not discuss this.
>Wise in Principles: And you! You visit him too often. Now you can go bug someone else about him.
>Wise in Teachings: You can't do this to him!
>Wise in Principles: Yes I can.
>Wise in Friendship: Qifrey doesn't look too sad about it…
>Wise in Teachings: You are literally selling him to some famous guy, just like in the texts.
>Wise in Principles: What texts?
>Wise in Teachings: The ones I send you to read!
>Wise in Principles: I ignore those.
>Wise in Teachings: I can tell!
>Wise in Friendship: Technically she's giving him away for free.
>Wise in Teachings: That doesn't make it better. There's an imbalance in the power dynamic of their relationship now.
>Wise in Principles: Qifrey has you arguing for him, what imbalance?
>Wise in Principles: Fine. He goes with Olruggio but he has to visit you once a month. Deal?
>Wise in Principles: …I told you I need open cells for the Brimhats. You want him down there with them?
>Wise in Friendships: It is a good deal, my friend. Qifrey values his freedom.
>Wise in Teachings: Oh, but you are right. Qifrey, are you truly okay with this?
>Pirate Qifrey: Yes, I am.
>Wise in Teachings: Then as much as it pains me, I agree.
>Wise in Principles: Good. Oh, and Qifrey has to tell Easthies everything he knows about the Brimhats.
>Mr. Easthies: But—
>Pirate Qifrey: But—
>Wise in Principles: Don't start with me. You two can beat the shit out of each other afterwards for all I care, it'd probably be good for you.
>Wise in Principles: Now that that's all settled, let's—
>Audience member: Is this a precedent?
>Wise in Principles: What?
>Audience member: Is this a precedent for how all Brimhat victims will be treated by the Great Sages? My son—
>Wise in Teachings: It's you!
>Wise in Friendships: Oh yeah, that bard with the songs!
>Wise in Principles: Ah shit, that's the guy that's always yelling about his son, isn't it?
>Mr. Dagda: Hey! But yes, it's me.
>Mr. Hiehart: You made it!
>Mr. Dagda: Of course, apologies for my lateness. My path was blocked by an even larger obstacle than Olruggio of the Torch's.
>Mr. Dagda: Is this verdict a precedent? Will my son also be penalized for coming clean about the Brimhats?
>Wise in Principles: Stars above.
>Wise in Principles: No, this is not a precedent. Qifrey's the first and a pain in the ass so we have to take it out on him so that whistle-blowers on new things don't get any ideas. We have to stagger these things, you know? It's bad for morale.
>Wise in Principles: This thing has already been discussed, so your kid will be fine. Please sing about anything else.
>Mr. Dagda: I am grateful Coustas has nothing to fear though I don't know how to feel about what you just said.
>Wise in Principles: Correct. Everyone settled then?
>Mr. Sarsan: No.
>Mr. Sarsan: I think this whole process was unfair to us.
>Pirate Qifrey: Just give up for fuck's sake!
>Mr. Hiehart: What my client said!
>Wise in Principles: Not fair?
>Wise in Principles: This whole time we graciously ignored the whole "cat-boy" thing you've got going on. That's twink death if I ever saw it.
>Wise in Principles: And I can say that.
>Wise in Teachings: I doubt the twink ever lived.
>Wise in Friendship: So glad you said that because I was thinking it but I wasn't going to say anything.
>Just Olruggio: Wow.
>Pirate Qifrey: Yeah they do this to everyone. Never wear an ugly outfit in front of them.
>Wise in Teachings: Too late, I already saw his socks.
>Wise in Teachings: We will be discussing them over dinner.
>Pirate Qifrey: I was not aware we had dinner plans?
>Wise in Teachings: We do now. Me, you, and your… new "warden."
>Just Olruggio: I'm not his warden. He's free to do whatever he wants as far as I'm concerned.
>Just Olruggio: Er, as long as he does it a little bit miserably.
>Wise in Principles: Good catch.
>Wise in Friendships: May I join you for dinner?
>Mr. Hiehart: Me too!
>Wise in Teachings: Sure. Are you coming too, Dagda?
>Mr. Dagda: I would love to join.
>Wise in Teachings: Excellent! And you Vinanna? We can interrogate the happy couple together.
>Wise in Principles: I'd say no but now I want to go and see why Dagda got an invite before me.
>Wise in Teachings: …listen his music is good and—hold on.
>Wise in Teachings: Is this still being transcribed?
>Wise in Principles: Seriously?
>Wise in Principles: Because I didn't do the fucking gavel? Are you serious? I'm telling you, shit like this is why all of these hearing always go off the rails and—
>Wise in Principles bangs a gavel.
>The inquisition is adjourned.