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Gray woke up already feeling drained that day.
He usually rose up full of energy and ready to run a mile just to pick up a fight with the first guildmate he saw in the guild, but of course this day was different.
He lay down staring at the ceiling for a while, watching a particular stain, wondering how it wind up there, and contemplating staying in bed for the rest of the day.
That wouldn’t be so bad now, would it?
No…it was, it was a terrible idea!
He pushed his body off the bed feeling like he weighed 10 time as normal, he forced himself to get dressed ever so slowly and then dragged his feet to the kitchen side of his one room apartment, he didn’t really feel like eating, but he needed to put something in his system so he can function, maybe something with caffeine?
Gray brewed some coffee, poured it in a cup, then sat watching it slowly get colder, he couldn’t bring himself to pick it up. He sighed resting his head in his hands and closing his eyes then took few deep breaths trying to clear his jumbled thoughts.
The image of his late master Ul materialized in his mind. As usual, he remembered her in her last moments, smiling down on him as her own magic consumed her.
Growing up, Gray chose to ignore his past, pretended it didn’t even happen, so whenever this particular day of the year came and went, he just told himself it was a normal day, but of course that was merely a defense mechanism, a way to allow that open wound to scab over but not fully heal. So when he went to Galuna island and reunited with Lyon, it all came back to him, alongside the shame of years pretending not to care.
The first anniversary of Ul’s death after that hit him like a brick, he was on a mission with his team that day and almost got them all in serious danger with how distracted he was. Erza chewed his ear off that day, he winced just remembering it!
When the second anniversary rolled around, he thought he was more prepared, he was in Magnolia for that day, so he chose to walk aimlessly around town and keep his interactions with his guildmates as few as possible. Things did not go as well as he planned… it wasn’t that bad in the grand scheme of things. Gray opened his eyes to glance at the top shelf of his dresser where a certain scarf lay hidden, away from prying eyes, and he couldn’t help but smile.
The thought of taking the scarf out and wearing it for the day very briefly crossed his mind, but he quickly dismissed it.
The third anniversary was the worst, that was when he was on a secret mission infiltrating a dark guild. He hadn’t seen his friends in months, and he’d abandoned Juvia just a few weeks earlier only to spend the day around people he could hardly stand pretending to be someone he was not. He hated every minute of it, and more than any other time in his life, he desired to be surrounded by his friends.
So why is it, on the morning of the fourth anniversary, he just wanted to be alone again?!
Why did his feelings always have to make no sense? Just so complicated and messy?!
One day he’s happy, normally hanging out with friends without a care in the world, the next day he wants to be buried 6 feet underground just so he doesn’t have to interact with anyone…
What was wrong with him?
Times like these he really wanted anything to dull his mind and not think of anything, but it was too early to start drinking. Wasn’t it?! Surely not on an empty stomach!
Maybe he should eat something first…then drink!
His eyes darted around searching for something, he spotted it on top of the counter, a small heart-shaped box, he retrieved it and sat back down before opening it, inside there were a dozen chocolate chip cookies. Juvia had given the box to him the day before as he left the guild, she said it was for “no reason in particular”, but he knew damn well she had marked the day on her calendar and was trying to look out for him in her usual way.
Gray took one cookie and slowly munched down on it, it was delicious as anything Juvia ever baked for him, but he felt a familiar creeping guilt as he ate.
Things have been …complicated? between him and Juvia for months. He had promised her an answer after the war then like a coward avoided the topic entirely afterwards. She brought it up few times at first. Sometimes as subtle hints, sometimes in direct confrontation, and he pretended not to notice the subtle hints and changed the subject when the confrontations came!
Eventually she gave up and stopped bringing it up, but that didn’t really make him feel any better, he had disappointed her and betrayed her trust... that ate him up inside. Why did he have to go around making promises he can’t keep in the first place!?!
The problem was always the same for him, his feelings were all over the place and he didn’t even understand them most of the time…what was love anyway?!
She was the most important person in his life, true.
He did wake up longing to see her and did dream of her smile when he slept.
So was that what love is?!
Well if it was, then why was he so scared of it?! Terrified even! Shouldn’t people who are in love be more excited about it?!
Why was he always trying to banish his thoughts of her the same way he avoided thinking of his late master? Why were his feelings for Juvia laced with all that pain?!
He felt the taste of the cookies turn to ash in his mouth, he gulped some coffee, it too tasted awful, but that might be just because it was cold by now.
He got up, feeling like he’d suffocate if he stayed inside, he threw on the first jacket he could see and went out, deciding maybe this year the walking aimlessly around plan might just work.
Except…he found himself at the door to the guild just few minutes later, not paying attention to where he was walking must have automatically taken him to the place he always goes to. what a rookie mistake!?
He turned to walk in the other direction only to find her standing there, only a few feet away, looking… shocked?
“Gray-Sama?” she asked, as if unsure that was actually him.
“Hey Juvia…umm good morning” he answered awkwardly feeling a rising panic and a desire to quickly exit this conversation and walk away. His mind raced thinking of the best way to do it without making her feel bad.
“Juvia did not expect to see you at the guild today… do you need something?” she walked a bit closer but uncharacteristically did not reach out to touch him.
“No..I just…” He was planning to say something to dispel her worries, that he didn’t need anything, that he was fine, however the words” I just didn’t want to be alone today” were what came out of his mouth.
And deep down he knew that was the truth, it’s why he got out of bed and why he came to the guild.
Juvia smiled, a small strained smile, he could feel her struggle to contain her excitement at what he said, it was so adorable of her to even try! Strained or not, it made Gray feel so much lighter. Her beautiful smile, as wonderful as the sun rays reflecting off the surface of the sea, always had that effect on him.
“Maybe we should go inside then?” she asked still smiling and extended her hand to him, though she let it hang in the space between them, offering him the chance to take it.
His own hand twitched, his body reacting to her gesture, wanting desperately to create some contact between them, but he squashed the thought quickly. Juvia’s active imagination will surely make more out of any physical contact, he needed to be more careful not to give her the wrong idea. Instead, he simply nodded and headed to the guild’s ornate door, not looking back to see her no doubt disappointed face.
....
It took him almost 15 minutes to pick a fight with Elfman, which was a record as far as he was concerned, sure Natsu had yet to arrive at the guild so that might have had something to do with it, but a record was set nonetheless!
Before he knew it, it was noon and he sat down next to Juvia, exhausted from all his fights, heated arguments, and talkdowns by Erza. As expected, Juvia, who was sitting alone pretending to read a book while watching him, had already ordered him his favorite sandwich for lunch.
Gray reached out for the sandwich, eager to get some more energy for round two of fighting, but his hand stopped short, he stared at the food for a while, his guilt creeping in again, not only had he relapsed into pushing away thoughts of his master, but he had also relied on Juvia to take care of him.
The jerk who betrayed her trust and who was too cowardly to even hold her hand as she was being nice and supportive - him!
He felt her hand on his shoulder and he looked up, meeting her kind concerned gaze.
“Gray-Sama… it’s just a sandwich you know, you don’t need to overthink it”
Wait…she knew? How in hell was she always so in tune with his own feelings? he himself couldn’t tell up from down, but she somehow did?
“I’m sure you miss her everyday” Juvia continued, he could sense her hesitation, she no doubt felt torn between giving him space and trying to cheer him up. “you don’t need to associate this one day with guilt, especially not guilt over how best to mourn her, being happy around friends is a perfectly valid way to honor her memory”
Gray shifted his gaze back to the sandwich.
She was wrong!
He has long forgotten how to associate any feelings other than guilt with his late master.
No…she was right.
Ul was more than her last moments in life...he was doing her a disservice, he knew it, he just wasn’t strong enough to change that about himself.
“I…Thank you, Juvia” he finally said in a soft barely audible voice ” you always know how to make me feel better”
He felt her hand on his shoulder twitch, but only for a second before she withdrew it and got up “Juvia- er- will go get a drink! you want anything?”
Gray looked up at her intending to ask for a drink, but the words died in his mouth. Juvia’s face was as red as a tomato, and she held up her hands to her chest with eyes downcast. At that moment, Gray realized two things.
The first, Juvia was suppressing her excitement over what he said and deliberately acting unlike herself...which she had been doing all day and even last night.
Of course she was! He, in his infinite wisdom, had never told her he didn’t mind her antics, maybe even liked them…sometimes? Or that she shouldn’t try to be anyone but herself on his behalf, not even on this day.
The second thing he realized…In that random instance during a normal afternoon in the middle of the guild, Gray Fulbuster realized he was in love with Juvia Lockser…
It was the strangest feeling, like hearing a song for the first time yet knowing all the lyrics...
No, he didn’t really know what love is and how to describe it, he couldn’t even tell what changed in this particular moment or when exactly he had fallen in love with her, somehow it felt like it was right that instant, but try as he might, he couldn’t remember a time he wasn’t in love with her.
“Gray-sama? Are you alright?” she asked, having noticed his sudden quiet.
“Ye-yeah..I’m just…can you get me soda please”
He was quite proud of himself for managing to string together a sentence.
Juvia nodded and headed to the bar, though she looked back a few times, obviously still worried.
Great!
He somehow managed to be an extra burden on her, making her worry for no reason…
Or maybe she should be worried, who has love epiphanies on a day like this? Someone not right in the head that is!
Yet strangely, Gray found he didn’t feel guilty, he was not going to bring back Ul by pretending he didn’t feel the way he felt! Besides, having this realization now was not his choice, he would have preferred it when he was alone at home, where the option of staying up all night stressing over it was on the table.
Speaking of being alone, his fight or flight instinct kicked in, he looked at the guild doors plotting how to escape.
Should he just make a run for it or try to come up with some reasonable excuse?!
He made the mistake of looking at the bar where Juvia was chatting with Mira who was preparing their drinks. Juvia turned to look at him, as their eyes met she gave him one of her signature warm smiles that always made his heart flutter…and for once, it didn’t scare him.
The truth he was finally willing to acknowledge is that being around Juvia made him happy, it was that simple.
Sure when he’s away, he overthinks it, he imagines worst case scenarios, and he worries about infinite possibilities…with few impossibilities thrown in just in case!
But none of that could change how when she hugs him, he felt his broken soul knitting back together.
That the way her eyes lit up when she saw him, made him believe he could do the impossible.
That when she calls his name in her singsong voice he magically forgot all his worries…momentarily, but still!
Maybe if he finally stopped running away...
Maybe he can stop being scared of feeling happy?
By the time Juvia came back, he had determined it’s time to enjoy the company of the woman he loves. He repeatedly told himself that for the rest of the afternoon he could just be around her and not overthink it, he was going to make small talk and act completely normal around her and his other friends.
Then, when he gets home that night, he will overthink the hell out it!
Then he will find time to figure out a plan
A plan to be the man who can simply accept being in love.
A man who can stop disappointing her.
A man who can make her happy.