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"Sumino...?"
The name is called out quietly, a non-demanding prompting. Takumi rests on his bed, sitting at the edge of it. His hands are buried in the soft fabric of his blanket. It's hard to feel the necessary uneasiness that comes with giving the other a chance to speak - but they've gotten better at it, over time. Some barriers have broken. Takumi crosses his legs and waits, but that ever-so enigmatic one refuses to respond.
Sumino is an odd creature, always so rigid. He looks behind his back, afraid someone will be there to stab into it, to cause him pain that he must keep away, far away from Takumi. He can't ever afford to lower his walls - those walls, barriers, keep us alive, and they keep you functional. No, Sumi cannot feel anything, because feeling something would break down his carefully crafted walls.
Karua helps, yes, but she can only do so much. Sumi desperately requires her to be safe too, even more so than their charming host. These parts must be kept separated - leakage will not be allowed. Luckily, when communication fails, there is another presence operating within who can assist, even if they say they would prefer to vanish forever and go dormant over holding Takumi’s hand through every little issue.
Too bad for him, because Takumi also knows that there’s no way Eito could ever stand to leave him alone.
Takumi flops back onto his bed, looking up at the ceiling.
“Eito...”
“What is it now, Takumi-kun?"
Eito responds in its usual manner. He quite likes showing up randomly.
“Still can’t communicate with that one? Have you even been trying? Work this out yourself, ugly, it’s your head. Your parts. Why are you always coming to me for help!?”
“Because you’re the one who told me about all this stuff in the first place…?”
Takumi hesitantly mutters out loud. To the unenlightened observer it looks like he’s talking to himself. To the enlightened observer, he is talking to himself.
Eito huffs in reply. Takumi wishes that he could see them, that Eito would pull him back into that blue-tinted room and helpfully walk him through everything. It’s a simple desire - for someone to just tell you what to do, what you are. He would gladly accept any identity Eito gave him, it would be much easier than having to craft it himself.
These thoughts bleed through. Eito huffs again, longer, more irritated.
“Yes, I did tell you about your… ahem. Issue. But I’m no professional. Everything I’ve read about easing your putrid condition requires self-assurance and I, technically an outsider to it, don’t have the right to define you. … not that I even want to. Gross, stinky Takumi-kun.”
Eito’s vitriol seeps in, as it usually does.
“I can tell you what’s wrong, but your mind is yours to unravel. I don’t want to step on your other shoes by revealing too much.”
Well, that’s… it’s Takumi’s turn to huff.
“I just…need a little help with this one. It really doesn’t like talking…”
“Do you think others suffering from your same problem get the privilege of having a whole separate mind merge with their own? No, they don’t! You don’t get to use my knowledge of your head to cheat.”
“It’s not cheating! I’m using the resources available to me!”
“They aren’t available if I’m not offering them, stupid Takumi-kun. My, my, this mind is startlingly dull in comparison to my old one!”
Mirthful giggling. Takumi sits up again, pouting to the extreme.
“Fine, I don’t need you to tell me everything about him, I just… I just need some way to get him to talk to… me,” He’d be lying if he wasn’t just a little curious. That part, the one that sucks away all his emotions and leaves only logic and a hole in his memory when he comes back. “He’s so… quiet. I can’t get anything from him, never have. He’s just… not like any of the others. It’s almost like he’s avoiding me. I don’t know how I’m supposed to communicate with someone like that.”
“Well…let’s go over what you know,” A clearing of the throat. Eito snaps their fingers, and Takumi falls into his mind.
The blue room…isn’t a real place. It’s simply a vivid hallucination of Takumi’s room at the Academy, only… blue. And containing Eito, who is sitting pompously on their couch. He’s a real Eito, or so he claims, from a timeline in which Takumi killed and absorbed him. The power of hemoanima (or something) had led to Eito’s consciousness persisting within Takumi’s head, even when his body was long dead. It’d detailed to this Takumi the little fight it and that timeline’s Takumi got into, about who would take control of the body they now shared - which was enough of a reminder to force yet another contender for said body out. But that’s a different, longer story. Takumi can’t see that other person here now, so he assumes Eito (or, Pale Blue Moon, as it likes to call itself, to differentiate between it and this timeline’s Eito) doesn’t have any of those malicious intentions this time.
If anything, Pale Blue Moon has been quite helpful to this timeline’s Takumi.
Perhaps it’s because he’d spared this timeline’s Eito, and PBM felt a sort of kinship with his other self. Time travel and time loops certainly make these things difficult. But anyway. Helpful. He’d been very helpful with sorting out Takumi’s brain, and all of the hitchhikers within it.
“Su-mi-no-san,” PBM stands up from it’s couch and taps it’s chin with a gloved finger, pacing about in front of Takumi’s bed. Their footsteps emphasize each syllable of Takumi’s last name… “What you know about him is that you don’t know much at all. Seemingly, on purpose. Say, Takumi-kun, why do you think that is?”
Intense bespectacled eyes pierce into Takumi's suddenly, and he flinches back. Scratching his neck and averting his gaze, he mutters.
“I don’t know. He doesn’t like me, probably…?”
“Haha. Oh my goodness.”
PBM breaks their eye contact and facepalms.
“You’re still thinking about them as if they’re entirely separate people and not parts of you, you know that, right? Try again. Why would he make an effort to remove himself from you? You are mildly certain that he is the one that is causing most of the holes in your memory, right? Think, please, though I know for someone as foolish as you that may be difficult.”
“...”
Takumi does as he’s been asked, and thinks. He’s known he hasn’t had… the best life, nor has he been in a situation that is conducive TO having a good life, for a while now. Memories of other timelines drift into his head occasionally, and while he can never remember them in full, he can remember the context, the surrounding nature. Once upon a time, he was in a Killing Game where killing invaders was the main method of survival, but strangely enough, he could never remember actually killing any. Or, once upon a different time, Eva had died, but he can’t really remember who did it. It might have been him, or it might have been someone else, all he knows is that because of it, he’d been haunted by her ghost. He wonders, quietly, gripping the soft fabric of his blanket. It’s his tether back to reality from this room, though PBM has never forced him to stay here.
“...maybe… he doesn’t… want me to remember?”
PBM claps at his little conclusion, and the noise startles Takumi.
“Yes, yes, keep going with that thought. Why wouldn’t he want you to remember?”
…huh. Well…
“Maybe… because they’re… not good memories. Like, scary ones. Or… traumatic.”
“Oh, certainly they are traumatic. Your condition can only come from being chronically traumatized, Takumi-kun,” PBM steps forward and lightly hits the top of Takumi’s head with the side of their hand. “Now, can you finally connect all the pieces together?”
“... that must be how he’s protecting me. He’s so quiet because he doesn’t want me to remember…or…risk it. Risk me remembering.”
Oh… Takumi frowns, looking down at his hands where they’re curled on his knees. Sumino…
“Correct. I’m impressed, though I suppose you’ve always known this on some level. How does it feel to dredge up that fact? I can feel your foul brain cells chugging terribly hard.”
“Well, I’d feel better about it if you weren’t insulting me while I try to grapple with it,” Takumi looks back up at PBM, who only gives him a sly grin. “It’s kinda a lot. I feel bad for him.”
“You’re the one that asked me for help, ugly Takumi-kun,” PBM then sighs and leans back, putting his hands on his hips. “And I assure you, whatever you’re feeling for him, he won’t appreciate it. Now, let’s move on!”
“More?”
“Yes, more! You came to me to figure out how to communicate with this one, isn’t that correct? You know what Sumino-san’s about now, but you still can’t talk to him like you can talk with me or Karua-san. Let’s think about it together! Yay. Teamwork and love and peace and whatnot.”
PBM twirls its finger in the air. Takumi gives them a small smile for it.
“You know, you complain a lot for a guy who’s really stepping up to the challenge. I’m starting to think you might like me.”
“Oh please. I simply enjoy that horrible, grotesque look on your face when you’re concentrating hard. Affection has nothing to do with it, Takumi-kun.”
“Uhuh…so…”
Takumi rocks on his bed a little. He’d drawn his knees up, socked feet planted on top of his comforter.
“Now we’re… trying to figure out how to talk to him.”
“Do you know what causes your memory loss, Takumi-kun?” PBM paces around once more, before settling back onto his couch.
The two of them sit in silence for a moment.
“...when I’m stressed. Or… scared, I guess. That’s when I start losing it.” Takumi’s brow furrows. “But that doesn’t really help. He shows up to… handle it. And I would just… go away. That’s how that barrier works.”
He can’t help but sigh. This really does seem impossible… even with PBM’s help. How is he supposed to bring Sumino to front if, by their very nature, he and Sumi can’t possibly reach each other…? Hell, even learning about this other self’s existence took a while. That’s how well it had hid both itself and… the memories it didn’t want Takumi knowing about.
“Would you? You know, you’re dissociating and vividly hallucinating right now, right Takumi-kun? You’re talking to yourself in your room. Technically, I am conscious alongside you right now, monitoring just how much strain your brain can take before you get too overwhelmed and have to take a break. See, I truly care for you! And I understand you better than anyone else. Your disgusting thought patterns are mine as well!”
PBM nods, so utterly confident.
“So… you’re saying it is possible…? I can talk to him?”
“Not only is it quite possible, it’s laughably easy. Here,”
PBM snaps his fingers.
Takumi falls through the floor, though the sensation of hitting the ground never comes. Suddenly, everything is much darker. Purple-pink flames dance up the insides of missiles, FB’s broken capsule the other source of light. The details are a bit muddy, but there’s no mistaking it - where they are, and what they must do. Eito grins, hovering above the floor, his cloak torn and a halo above his head, grinning wickedly. Takumi’s heart pounds, and pounds and pounds.
All his thoughts from before scatter from his mind, as he scrambles back on his hands and heels. It’s only fear - terror. Pain erupts in his head, an anguished whine coming from his lips. This is - he remembers this. Eito … Eito killed the baby! Eito’s going to kill all of us!
He fumbles around for his sword, he needs to stop it!
“Ugly, putrid Takumi-kun…!”
Eito advances, his feet setting upon the floor, ominous clicking of his shoes.
“I wish your whole disgusting race would die, die, DIE! UGH!! You’re ASSAULTING MY EYES WITH YOUR FOULNESS!! I need to kill you! I need to kill you right now!!!”
It’s so familiar. Takumi keeps scrambling back, arms raised above his head. I surrender, I surrender! I can’t fight back - I can’t find my sword!
“HAHAHA!!!”
Takumi peers through his arms, trembling so badly he fears he may never be stable again. This memory - this…flashback! It’s so cruel - he hates remembering this moment!
Eito’s scythe raises, and Takumi is a sitting duck, helpless without even his headgear on to protect him this time. Just a stupid, innocent little boy, the one that thought Eito was his friend. He wants to cry. He is crying! This is how it’s going to end this time, Eito will win, and Takumi won’t be able to stop him like this.
He’s afraid.
Metal loudly clashes against metal.
Eito snaps his fingers.
“HAHA!!! Got you.”
Everyone in the Defense Room falls again, only once again, they don’t truly fall. Takumi opens his teary eyes to the blue room, and harshly snaps himself upright, chest heaving out of his body. The first thing he recognizes is that sword… his sword. His sword… the red swirling liquid that made it up reflecting the lights abovehead. It looks so real… but he’s sure he hadn’t transformed, so… why is it here…?
His eyes follow the blade up to where it’s gripped in a hand, a hand that is connected to an arm, that is in turn, connected to… a body. A new figure, poised rigidly, stands before him, in front of him, really, their back facing him as a blurry fuzz of red raises. Oh, that’s… their head. It’s head. It’s head, of… hair. Red… hair. It’s vibrant, but not detailed. That wasn’t its focus after all.
His cape flares, and his weapon swishes through empty air.
Takumi looks up at himself, just as Sumino turns its head to look down at him.
“Well, I’ve done my part!”
PBM announces, falling back onto his couch and slinging his arms over the back. Takumi … isn’t sure what to do. He looks between PBM and his statuesque other, still trembling a little…
“Oh, was that too much? That memory of yours is a trigger of his! The most intense one I could find in your little head,” PBM giggles sadistically - it's still Eito, after all. “Hehe… sorry, ugly Takumi-kun. But look! He’s here now.”
It’s… true. He is here now. And so am I…I’m still…here. I’m still here. Takumi blinks, and looks down at his hands, remembering he can move them.
Sumino turns back around, and Takumi can only imagine the intimidating snarl on its face. It must be something truly scary if it can cause PBM to wince.
“Oh, haha…”
But PBM only swallows, adjusting his glasses to make a quick recovery.
“I didn’t mean to truly hurt him! The thought didn’t even cross my mind! Though it would be very satisfying - ah, haha! But CEF’s not around, is he, so that proves it true! That one wouldn’t let me touch stupid, ugly Takumi-kun even if I wanted to. Besides!”
It gestures past Sumi, pointing to where Takumi lays behind him.
“He’s the one that’s been begging to speak with you - really, you should blame him for this. I only did what I was asked to do.”
Takumi swallows. That’s not…wrong. Ah. He needs to clear his head...he shakes it a bit, then pushes himself to sit up, frowning. His mouth opens, but…
“Nnmmhh… too far. Don’t do… again.”
Sumi beats him to it, taking the words out of his mouth. It steps forward, closer to PBM, and brings its blade to the edge of his throat, pressing the bloody metal in.
“Don’t do that again.”
It presses closer, caging PBM in. The cape flares, electric blue flames bursting from beneath it.
“Don’t do it again. Those memories are not yours. Do not do it again. Do you understand?” Its words aren’t necessarily angry ones. The fragment speaks with a detached tone, its expression static and cold, its questions genuine. Do you understand, Pale Blue Moon? Eito swallows, sneering back, refusing to answer.
“S-Sumi…” Takumi gets to his feet, reaching out. “Hey, it’s… it’s fine. I mean, it’s not cool, but he’s not wrong. I asked him to do this. If you’re gonna get mad, get mad at me.”
There’s no such thing as really touching one another in the blue room, but touch is, too, a sense that can be manipulated. Whatever PBM has done to Takumi’s head to make the blue room visual, it’s made things (and people) within somewhat tactile as well. His hand sets on Sumino’s shoulder, and almost instantly, the flames lining its cape go out.
“...”
It pulls back, sheathing its sword.
PBM scoffs, rolling their eyes.
“Eugh, right, I should have known you would get all… ‘protective’ over him. Well, ugly Takumi-kun! Your mind can’t handle much more burden, so I will gladly take my leave now. Witnessing you monsters kiss and make up is an utterly revolting concept! Though I do expect to be thoroughly praised later for how helpful I was~”
“Yeah, yeah. Thank you, Eito, really.”
“Ugh, I’ve had enough of your revolting voice!”
Takumi smiles at him, and PBM pouts back, making his way to the door. Its gloved hand pulls the doorknob, and, upon the lanky boy’s stepping out, Takumi feels the slight pain in his forehead lessen.
It was just him and the notoriously quiet Sumino in here now.
“...”
Takumi pulls his hand away from the part’s back, stepping back a little, knowing he might like his space. Maybe a nonsensical thought, but he knows that he would appreciate it, and if Sumi is anything like him…
“Um…”
He can’t help but actually glance over Sumi for real, now that things had calmed down. It was a little weird…just like last time, Sumi looked like Takumi, only a Takumi that was bundled up in his Class Armor.
“So, that’s what you look like?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Sumi crossed its arms, thinking for a moment before frowning. “I suppose.”
“W-why the Class Armor, then…?” Takumi laughed a little bit, though it didn’t help with the tension in the room.
“I need to protect you. I need to protect them, and her, and everyone. You must feel most capable of doing that when in this Armor.”
“Well, yeah. Hemoanima’s like a magic superpower, of course it makes me feel stronger. Doesn’t it make you feel that way too? You’re me, right?”
“I don’t feel anything. …and I’m not you.”
Well…Takumi winces a little, scratching the back of his neck.
“Right, you aren’t. You’re the one that comes out when I’m in danger, right? You’re the one who keeps taking my memories.”
Sumi bristles. “They’re not your memories. You weren’t there for them - they’re my memories. A-and you don’t need to worry about them.”
The voice crack makes Takumi’s eyebrow raise.
“Oh? Really? Why? I’m not as weak as you think, you know. I’ve been through a lot.”
“I know.”
“You know, but you won't let me have my memories back!?”
“They're not your memories. And I know that you can't handle them.”
“Oh really? How do you know that!?”
“Because-” Sumi starts, inhaling sharply as it reaches up - as it tugs its bangs.
“...because I wouldn't exist if you could.”
…
He hangs his head, not meeting Takumi’s eyes. He doesn't feel ashamed, no, he's not capable of that. But he can feel inadequate. What kind of protector lets itself be trapped, tricked into vulnerability. It wasn't meant to expose itself like this. It operates in the background, it carries burdens that the others are not meant to know. It looks around, anywhere but Takumi's eyes, pinned against a wall in a room that it was not in control of.
Sumi would like to think of itself as a predator, a mountain lion, a viper, but it is more like prey, a gazelle running through the brush or a rabbit hurrying back to its burrow. Its job was not necessarily an offensive one, it would much rather defend, protect. Shield.
For it to stop defending, protecting, shielding…
“...oh. Right…”
Takumi reaches out. Once again, the contact isn't exactly tactile, but his fingers trace Sumi's cheek, turning the other's face to look back at his own.
“Sumi. Hey… it's okay if you can't share them with me yet. I…I get it. I really do. If I… knew something that would really hurt my friends, I wouldn't want to share it with them either. You're doing your best - you're…doing your job, and you're doing it well.”
He sighs, stepping closer. Sumi's eyes are blank as they gaze back at him, stuffing down its fear along with every other painful memory. Takumi hopes his hand against its cheek is comforting, but he really can't tell, not at all. It's so good at hiding.
“... I'm really not good at this, but it's me you're so vigilant for, isn't it? It's all to keep me safe and functional. You hold so much…but, I… I want to know. I want to remember what you remember. One day. When you feel ready. When it's safe.”
It's painfully earnest of him. Takumi doesn't know what he's asking for. Doesn't know a thing. And who's fault is that?
“... I understand.”
Sumi hangs his head. To tell this part what it knew, what it saw. It goes against why it was needed in the first place, against its very existence.
“...Takumi, you do understand what this ask means for me?”
Sumino did not truly have an individuality to hold onto, but... it had been there in the shade of Takumi’s mind. It had suppressed his discomfort, pain, trauma, all so that Takumi could live his perfect, endlessly repeating life undisturbed.
So that nothing would change.
It is frightening to be directly faced with the realization that you want to change.
“I know, but…”
Takumi lowers his hand from his other self's face, and instead squeezes Sumi's hand.
“You are me, aren't you? And you're still here, despite everything. Thank you, Sumino-san.”
The protected pulls his protector into a hug. It's not real. None of this is real. But it feels something like healing. Maybe their chest is a little warm.
“I'm big enough now. I can handle the scary things, the existential ones too. I have help now. I can help you too. I-I want to. I want to live, with every part of me.”
Sumino stiffly wraps its arms around Takumi, huffing quietly into his shoulder.
“At least, don't hide from me anymore. Tell me when you're taking over, or… or just tell me why later, if there's no time. I trust you with… me.”
Takumi stays right where he is, embraced by himself. He swallows back his tears and sniffles only a little, catching his breath. Sumi…awkwardly pats his back.
“There's no one else I trust more with me than you.”
“...okay.”
A word of assent and a small nod, and the world disappears.
Takumi opens his eyes to the plain colors of his ceiling. He lays where he woke for a moment, before sitting up, flexing his hands free of any lingering… tingly-ness. Did that go well? He wondered to himself, no longer hearing anyone else. Maybe Sumino’s giving him some peace for a moment, sequestering away everyone else and their feelings from him.
How kind.
I suppose that means it did.
Takumi smiled, rubbing his eyes and blinking. That level of mastery over his own mind couldn't be credited to anyone other than PBM and their free time, but it was an utterly exhausting way of getting things done. Takumi wants to sleep now more than anything, but he has daily tasks he should do, so I'll let him get up and get on with them. Plus, I'm not really supposed to watch that part of his life, unless something makes him super duper upset!
If you want my opinion, I think…I really think everything's going to work out for him. He's learned so much, about me and Eito and CEF, and now about Sumi! Don't let my descriptions fool you, Sumino’s not totally frigid. He just has a hard time smiling, which I totally get, considering his role and all. Mine is a lot simpler in comparison…though thinking about it now, things might get a little harder for me, too. The others are a little more eccentric and hard to manage… but they're all Takky, so I'm sure we can all coax them out one by one.
…I'll always be here for them, no matter what happens.