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The first time Ryul met Ohyul was at a café, and that day, he thought he had just met the person with the most beautiful eyes in the world.
Ryul had even thought, for a split second, that he was a girl.
He thought Ohyul was so beautiful and cute that he could never hold eye contact with him for more than five seconds.
And when they started talking, Ryul stuttered through his sentences and was very intimidated by Ohyul, who seemed completely comfortable around him.
The two boys eventually started seeing each other more and more because fate had decided that they would become trainees together, debut in the same boy group, and even attend the same high school, although they weren’t in the same class.
At school, Ohyul didn’t really stay with Ryul, even though he had promised him that he would make an effort and try to keep him company as often as possible. But in the end, he usually stayed with his other friends.
That was why Ryul loved riding his bike with Ohyul on the way to school, when it was just the two of them.
Actually, it was almost as if he wanted Ohyul all to himself, and that was when Ryul realized that something was wrong with him.
He constantly needed to know where Ohyul was whenever he wasn’t by his side and what he was doing. He didn’t feel that same need with the other members.
Then, one night, Ryul had a dream where the two of them kissed, and when he woke up, he didn’t speak to Ohyul, as if he was ashamed of dreaming about his friend that way without him knowing.
And the dreams kept happening again and again, each one becoming more intense.
Ryul wasn’t a child anymore. He understood what was happening.
He had feelings for his friend.
He loved Ohyul, and it was much more than friendship.
Unfortunately, he couldn’t confess because, first of all, he was scared of how Ohyul would react, and secondly, the group was preparing to debut in a few months and they needed to stay focused.
But Ryul still wanted to try to send Ohyul subtle messages without directly telling him that he loved him. So, during some of their songs, he tried to slip little coded messages into the lyrics. He had even mentioned their first meeting at the café.
But Ohyul didn’t seem to catch on.
Or maybe he had understood and was simply choosing to ignore it.
The two of them weren’t the type to argue with each other because they were the oldest members and therefore the most mature. They argued more often with the two younger members, especially Woojin.
But one day, they had their first real argument.
It was a day when they were supposed to go out to eat together, and Ryul loved these little outings with just the two of them because he could enjoy Ohyul’s company all to himself.
But Ohyul did something that immediately upset Ryul.
He had brought along his friend from school, a guy named Woonhak who often hung out with him, one of those guys who always made Ohyul leave Ryul alone at school.
So when Ryul spotted his friend in the distance while the two of them were walking to the restaurant, his expression immediately fell and he became irritated.
“Why is he here?”
“What? He happened to be outside at the same time as us, so I asked him if he wanted to eat with us.”
“Are you serious right now?”
“I don’t see what the problem is. And can I ask why you suddenly got so aggressive?”
“Why am I being aggressive? Ohyul, this was supposed to be just the two of us!”
“We see each other all the time. We’re together constantly. It’s not going to kill you to share a meal with one of my friends. What is seriously wrong with you?”
“I just told you that this was supposed to be just the two of us.”
“So what? You want me to tell him to leave because you’re acting like a child?”
“No need. I’m the one leaving. Have fun.”
“Wait, you’re actually leaving?”
And Ryul really did return to the dorm, walking furiously while the younger members exchanged confused looks.
Louis had even tried to enter Ryul’s room to find out what was wrong, but Ryul told him he wanted to be alone. Instead, he stayed in his room, smoking by himself, which he rarely did because he usually went out onto the balcony.
Ohyul hadn’t even tried to stop him or sent him a message to apologize or anything.
Nothing.
Then Ohyul came back three hours later and continued ignoring Ryul.
And it went on like that for three days.
Eventually, Ryul started thinking that maybe he had overreacted and that it really wasn’t that serious.
So he apologized to Ohyul one day when they were alone at the studio.
Ohyul accepted his apology but didn’t apologize in return. He simply said something along the lines of, “You shouldn’t act like that at your age.”
Ohyul didn’t understand why Ryul acted that way, and Ryul couldn’t blame him for it because he didn’t know about his feelings or the fact that Ryul considered these outings their own little one-sided dates.
Ohyul was naturally quite affectionate, and whenever he touched him, Ryul would freeze or desperately try to think about anything other than Ohyul’s arm resting around the back of his neck.
He wanted to be comfortable enough to do the same with him, but Ryul panicked far too much to actually make the first move.
He kept telling himself that maybe Ohyul would find it weird, when in reality, he was simply overthinking everything on his own.
Eventually, Lngshot debuted, and Ryul decided he needed to try to get rid of his feelings for his friend.
But it was much harder than he had imagined.
He thought Ohyul had somehow become even more handsome than before, more charismatic, more charming. It was as if he became more attractive with every passing day.
And now that they had debuted, they naturally started gaining fans, including, of course, shippers.
The first time Ryul came across something like that, it was a video. More specifically, an edit.
And instead of finding it embarrassing that people were shipping him with his friend, he actually didn’t mind.
In fact, he spent an entire evening watching edits and tweets about the two of them. While scrolling way too far down the app, he eventually came across a rather suggestive drawing of the two of them and quickly closed the app, trying to forget what he had seen.
He was already dreaming about his friend in ways he felt he shouldn’t, and now he was seeing things like that online too.
Ryul felt ashamed and decided that he really needed to put an end to all of this.
He knew he couldn’t make his feelings disappear overnight. Something had to snap him out of it. He needed a reason to stop wanting to love Ohyul romantically.
So one night, after a long day of rehearsals, Ryul came back after drinking, and the alcohol ended up doing the work for him.
They were alone at the dorm that night because the younger members had gone to stay at their family homes.
Ryul went into Ohyul’s room and told him that he loved him.
At first, Ohyul didn’t understand. He actually thought it was a joke.
But when Ryul started telling him everything, confessing everything from beginning to end, explaining all the little reactions he had and everything else he had been keeping inside, Ohyul eventually realized that he was serious.
He stared at Ryul without saying anything, looking concerned.
Ryul thought he was going to insult him or get angry at him, but instead, Ohyul told him to sit beside him on the bed.
And he did immediately.
To his surprise, Ohyul kissed him without warning.
Ryul was shocked at first, very shocked, but the moment felt too overwhelming for him to think about anything else.
They stayed together like that for a while, without Ohyul ever telling him what he actually felt.
After some time, Ohyul told Ryul that he was tired and wanted to go to sleep, so Ryul returned to his own room, still unable to process what had just happened.
Another night, when they were alone at the dorm again, Ryul tried to kiss Ohyul, but Ohyul stopped him and told him that he shouldn’t get used to it.
It hurt, but Ryul simply nodded and stepped back.
Then Lngshot started having concerts all over the place, and the two of them sometimes had to share a room.
Performing concerts was stressful, and the jet lag didn’t help either. All the members were exhausted and under pressure.
One night, after returning to their shared hotel room, Ohyul suddenly kissed Ryul again.
Ryul obviously didn’t push him away.
That night, things went further than they had before, and afterward, Ryul asked Ohyul if he was going to regret it.
Ohyul told him no, which relieved Ryul.
But the next morning, Ohyul acted as if nothing had happened.
A few days later, the same thing happened again.
It eventually became a routine that lasted for a long time.
Ohyul would come to Ryul whenever he wanted affection, and Ryul would always give him what he could.
Ryul had tried several times to have a conversation with him and ask why he acted like this, but Ohyul always found a way to avoid the conversation.
Then one day, when Ohyul was about to kiss him again, Ryul reluctantly pushed him away and told him they needed to talk.
Ohyul didn’t want to at first. He told him they could talk later, but this time, Ryul didn’t give in.
And he made the mistake of asking him what he was to him.
“A close friend.”
That was what Ohyul answered.
“Ohyul, we kiss and we’re intimate with each other. We’re not just friends.”
“We can be friends and still have intimate moments together.”
“I confessed my feelings to you the other time. And you… you’re taking advantage of the situation.”
“I’m not taking advantage of anything.”
“Yes, you are. You only come to me for affection whenever you feel like it.”
“You want it too, so don’t make me out to be the only one at fault. You want it just as much as I do.”
“You don’t understand.”
Ohyul didn’t understand.
Or maybe he did, but he simply wanted to pretend he didn’t.
“Ohyul, do you have feelings for me too?”
Ryul asked the question while fearing the answer.
Ohyul immediately looked away and was about to leave the room, but Ryul grabbed his arm.
“Don’t run away from this conversation like you always do.”
“Let go of me!”
“I won’t let go until you tell me. Whether the answer is positive or negative, I need to know.”
“I’m not in love with you, okay? Are you happy now?”
Deep down, Ryul had expected a negative answer, but he hadn’t expected it to be so harsh.
It felt like someone had shot an arrow straight through his heart.
“Then why did you kiss me? Why did you make me hope for something when you knew perfectly well that you didn’t love me? When you knew perfectly well that I had feelings for you…”
“Because I… I was curious, that’s all.”
Ryul had known Ohyul for a long time by then, and he could recognize when his friend was lying.
And this was definitely one of those times.
“You’re lying.”
“I’m not lying. I just told you I’m not in love with you. Isn’t that what you needed to know? Now let me go.”
Ryul eventually let him go.
Ohyul changed rooms and asked Woojin to share a room with Ryul instead.
Several weeks passed, and the two barely spoke to each other unless it was work-related, on camera, or on stage.
The younger members were struggling with the tension.
They could have a great time with one of them, but as soon as the other walked into the room, the atmosphere would become freezing cold.
They didn’t know how to fix the problem, so they decided not to get involved.
Then one day, when Ryul and Ohyul were alone at the dorm again, Ryul heard sniffles coming from Ohyul’s room.
He wanted to ignore them.
He even told himself that he shouldn’t care about how Ohyul was feeling because Ohyul clearly didn’t care about how he felt. He didn’t care about how he had made Ryul feel when he treated him like someone he could turn to whenever he wanted affection.
But, unsurprisingly, he eventually opened the door.
He found Ohyul sitting on the floor beside his bed, crying.
Ohyul never cried.
In fact, he rarely showed his emotions in general, which meant that he must have been doing really badly.
Ryul sat down beside him without saying anything.
Ohyul didn’t push him away. Instead, he continued crying even harder.
“What’s wrong?”
Ryul asked softly, genuinely concerned.
“I… I’m the worst.”
“Why would you say that?”
“Because of what I did to you.”
Ryul wanted to tell him that he really was the worst, but he could never bring himself to say those words.
“I’m sorry for being selfish and not thinking about your feelings Ryul… At first, I was curious. I don’t know what came over me when I kissed you after you confessed your feelings. And I really liked the way it felt that night. That’s what scared me. The fact that I liked it when I shouldn’t have.”
Ohyul finally said what he had really been thinking about all of it.
“That’s why I tried to stop us from making it a habit at first, but… eventually, I gave in and kept coming back to you.”
“You knew I wouldn’t push you away, and you took advantage of that.”
“That’s not really what happened! I just… I just didn’t think before acting.”
“You did it several times, though. You had plenty of time to think Ohyul. And when I tried to talk to you about it, you practically treated me like shit.”
“I didn’t want to act like that! I just wanted you to leave me alone…”
“So you were lying when you said it was just curiosity.”
“At first, it really was. And I’m sorry I kissed you because of that after you had just confessed to me. But then… I started seeing you differently, and it was way too difficult for me to accept. So I avoided having a real conversation with you and chose to just let us keep showing each other affection instead.”
“You really handled this badly… You have no idea how I felt when you acted like nothing had happened even though we had shared something so important the night before.”
“I know… I’m really sorry. I acted like an asshole, and I take responsibility for that.”
Now that they had finally talked everything through, they needed to figure out what came next.
And Ryul found the courage to ask.
“So… what do we do now?”
“What do you mean, what do we do?”
“About us.”
Ohyul immediately understood what Ryul was thinking.
“Ryul, please don’t.”
“We have to find some kind of conclusion to all of this…”
“Not that.”
“You just admitted that you see me as more than a friend now, and you already know how I feel about you. So maybe we should try to—”
“Ryul don’t be stupid!”
“I’m not being stupid!”
“If we were still high school students with no fixed future, maybe I would tell you okay. But now, we can’t afford to get into a relationship. It’s… it’s an absurd idea.”
“How is it absurd? We could try, and maybe it would work…”
“That’s not how life works for idols like us Ryul! You know perfectly well that it’s not possible. It would only bring problems with the agency and the fans, and eventually affect the group. And I don’t want to drag Louis and Woojin into this either. Get this idea out of your head because it’s not the right thing to do.”
“Just because you’re the leader doesn’t mean you always have to think about the consequences our actions could have on the agency and the fans.”
“That’s my role! I was trained for this, and I have to act accordingly for the good of the group Ryul!”
“So you’re going to suppress your feelings?”
“Yes… And you should do the same.”
Ryul wanted to find another solution, but deep down, he knew that Ohyul’s idea was probably the safest one.
So he didn’t answer.
He simply lowered his head.
“Let’s still be friends like we used to be, okay? I don’t like it when we’re fighting.”
“Okay…”
Ryul said it quietly.
But before leaving the room to go back to his own and wallow in his feelings, he found the courage to ask Ohyul one last thing.
“Can I kiss you one last time?”
Ohyul agreed.
So they kissed a few more times, knowing that this really would be the last time and that they needed to put an end to everything between them.
Eventually, they separated, and Ryul left the room.
He wanted to cry, but he held it in, telling himself that the hardest part was over and that he simply needed to turn the page now, even if it was going to be difficult.
After that, they continued talking like friends.
There was still sometimes a little awkwardness between them, but they always managed to make the situation less uncomfortable.
The atmosphere within the group eventually became cheerful again, much to the relief of the younger members.
Deep down, neither of them had managed to completely get rid of their feelings for the other.
But they both convinced themselves, each in their own way, that they would eventually make those feelings disappear.
Unfortunately for them, that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.
So they had no choice but to keep loving each other in silence, pretending like nothing had ever happened between them.