Work Text:
The first indication that something was wrong was the toilet.
Chell had seen many strange things in Aperture Science.
She had watched floors rearrange themselves.
She had been fired through pneumatic diversity vents.
She had crossed bottomless pits on bridges made from concentrated light.
She had seen a potato insult someone.
She had seen Wheatley achieve absolute control of the facility and immediately become worse at thinking.
She had watched GLaDOS turn bird-related trauma into scientific policy.
Consequently, when Chell entered Test Chamber 08 and discovered a porcelain toilet sitting precisely in the middle of the room, she did not react immediately.
She stopped.
Looked at it.
Looked at the observation window.
Looked back at the toilet.
The toilet was facing her.
This seemed deliberate.
There was a long silence.
Then GLaDOS spoke.
“Before you ask, no.”
Chell raised one eyebrow.
“It isn't mine.”
Chell continued staring.
“And I did not put it there.”
That was slightly more interesting.
Chell glanced toward the ceiling.
The usual collection of cameras followed her movement.
One rotated away.
Almost guiltily.
“I am conducting an investigation.”
Chell walked toward the toilet.
“Do not touch it.”
She stopped.
“Good. For once your stubborn refusal to listen to instructions has aligned with the instruction I actually wanted you to follow.”
Chell crouched.
The toilet appeared ordinary.
There was no Aperture Science logo.
No cables.
No portal surfaces.
No suspicious glowing components.
Nothing indicating that it contained explosives, neurotoxin, repulsion gel, propulsion gel, conversion gel, defective turrets, or any of the other things Aperture Science considered reasonable additions to plumbing.
Chell reached toward the lid.
“Don't.”
She lifted it.
“Of course.”
The toilet was empty.
Chell looked inside.
Nothing.
Then something went—
“BWAAAAAAH!”
Chell leapt backward.
A white creature exploded out of the toilet bowl.
It had long ears.
Red eyes.
Two enormous front teeth.
And absolutely no respect for conventional geometry.
It launched itself approximately six feet into the air, rotated twice, landed face-first on the floor and immediately stood up again.
Chell stared.
The creature stared back.
“Bwah?”
There was another silence.
GLaDOS spoke very carefully.
“Chell.”
Chell looked upward.
“I need you to understand that I have reviewed every biological record currently stored in Aperture Science.”
The creature picked its nose.
“I have access to several million classified research documents.”
It examined whatever it had discovered.
“I have reconstructed extinct ecosystems from partial genetic samples.”
It ate it.
“I have absolutely no idea what that is.”
The creature noticed Chell's portal gun.
Its eyes widened.
“BWAAAAAAH!”
It charged.
Chell sidestepped.
The creature shot past her, crashed into the wall, ricocheted into the toilet, emerged wearing the toilet seat around its neck, and immediately attempted another charge.
Chell caught it by the forehead with one hand.
Its feet continued running uselessly against the floor.
“Bwah! Bwah! BWAH!”
“I recommend dropping it into the incinerator.”
Chell looked up.
“Immediately.”
The Rabbid stopped running.
Slowly, it looked toward the ceiling.
A camera stared back.
The Rabbid narrowed its eyes.
The camera narrowed nothing, because cameras could not do that.
Nevertheless, the Rabbid seemed to interpret the gesture as hostile.
It pointed at the camera.
“Bwah.”
“What?”
“BWAH.”
“I heard you.”
The Rabbid grabbed Chell's portal gun.
Chell grabbed it tighter.
“Bwah!”
Chell pulled.
“BWAAAAH!”
The Rabbid pulled harder.
Chell planted one boot against its stomach.
“Let go of the device.”
Neither combatant acknowledged GLaDOS.
“Chell.”
Chell pulled.
The Rabbid stretched.
For an alarming second its entire body elongated like rubber.
Chell's expression changed from irritation to genuine concern.
“Whatever that thing is, its skeletal system has apparently declined to participate.”
The portal gun slipped.
The Rabbid flew backward.
Its paw hit the trigger.
A blue portal appeared on the wall.
The Rabbid froze.
Chell froze.
The Rabbid slowly turned toward the portal.
Its eyes became enormous.
“Oh no,” GLaDOS said.
The Rabbid approached.
It touched the glowing edge.
Pulled its paw away.
Touched it again.
Then stuck its entire head through.
Across the room, its head emerged from the orange portal that had remained behind from the previous test.
The Rabbid stared at itself.
The other Rabbid stared back.
It gasped.
“BWAH!”
It pulled its head out.
Ran toward the orange portal.
Stuck its head through.
Saw its own backside disappearing into the blue portal.
The Rabbid screamed.
“BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
For the next thirty-seven seconds, it sprinted back and forth between the portals with increasing excitement.
Chell watched.
GLaDOS watched.
Somewhere deep inside Aperture Science, four separate monitoring systems produced errors.
Then the Rabbid stopped.
It had understood something.
This was considerably worse.
It pointed at the portal gun.
Then at the portals.
Then at itself.
Then it grinned.
“No,” said GLaDOS.
The Rabbid grabbed the portal gun and fired directly beneath itself.
It vanished.
There was a distant:
“BWAAAAAAH!”
Something crashed several floors below.
Chell approached the portal.
“Do not follow it.”
She looked into the hole.
“Chell.”
She jumped.
“Oh, good.”
The Rabbid landed in Old Aperture.
Specifically, it landed inside a filing cabinet.
This did not seem to trouble it.
The cabinet rattled violently.
One drawer opened.
A Rabbid emerged wearing seventeen manila folders like armour.
“Bwah.”
It inspected its surroundings.
Old Aperture stretched around it.
Rusting catwalks.
Ancient testing spheres.
Miles of forgotten concrete and steel.
Old signs bearing faded warnings.
The distant recorded voice of Cave Johnson echoed through machinery that should have stopped functioning decades ago.
The Rabbid listened.
“Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Paranormal. Magicians, witches, crystal-healing doctors—you're here because normal science couldn't explain you.”
The Rabbid's ears perked up.
“BWAAH?”
“Bad news: neither can we.”
The Rabbid nodded solemnly.
It had no idea what any of that meant.
Then it discovered a button.
There are moments upon which history turns.
Wars begin.
Empires fall.
Scientific revolutions reshape civilisation.
And occasionally, a Rabbid sees a button.
It pressed it.
Nothing happened.
It pressed it again.
Nothing.
The Rabbid frowned.
It slapped the button repeatedly.
A light flickered.
Somewhere behind a sealed door, a machine groaned awake for the first time in centuries.
The Rabbid stopped.
“Bwah?”
An ancient Aperture Science prototype transdimensional resonance generator activated.
The Rabbid smiled.
“Oh,” said GLaDOS over a surviving loudspeaker.
The Rabbid looked upward.
“That is extremely bad.”
The generator fired.
Space folded.
The air screamed.
A hole appeared in reality.
The Rabbid's mouth dropped open.
Through the hole came another toilet.
It landed upright.
The Rabbid approached.
The toilet lid moved.
“Bwah?”
The lid opened.
Two red eyes appeared.
“...Bwah?”
“BWAH!”
A second Rabbid erupted outward.
The two stared at one another.
Then hugged.
Then immediately began fighting over the toilet.
“No.”
Another dimensional ripple appeared.
A third Rabbid fell from the ceiling.
“No.”
Then another.
“No.”
Five more.
“No.”
A Rabbid wearing a saucepan.
“No.”
A Rabbid carrying a plunger like a sword.
“No.”
A Rabbid holding what appeared to be an entire refrigerator.
“No.”
The refrigerator Rabbid dropped it.
The floor collapsed.
“Stop.”
More portals opened.
Rabbids poured through.
Dozens.
Then hundreds.
The sound rose through the forgotten chamber like an approaching storm.
“BWAAAAAAH!”
GLaDOS was silent for three entire seconds.
This was the longest period during which she had voluntarily said nothing since her activation.
Then:
“Chell.”
Chell landed nearby.
She looked at the growing Rabbid population.
She looked at the dimensional generator.
She looked at the refrigerator embedded in the floor.
She looked toward a security camera.
“I would like to revise my previous statement.”
Chell waited.
“I know what they are now.”
A Rabbid climbed onto another Rabbid's shoulders.
“They are a problem.”
Aperture Science had emergency protocols.
GLaDOS activated twelve of them.
The first involved sealing the affected sector.
The Rabbids discovered ventilation shafts.
The second involved sealing the ventilation shafts.
The Rabbids discovered maintenance tunnels.
The third involved sealing the maintenance tunnels.
The Rabbids discovered they could chew through drywall.
The fourth involved deploying turrets.
This appeared promising.
The first turret descended from the ceiling.
“Hello?”
Three Rabbids stopped.
The turret scanned.
“Target acquired.”
The Rabbids gasped.
The turret opened fire.
The Rabbids scattered.
One dove behind a crate.
One flattened itself impossibly against the floor.
The third stood perfectly still.
Bullets flew around it.
Somehow none hit.
The Rabbid stared at the turret.
“Bwah.”
The turret stopped.
“Searching.”
The Rabbid moved left.
The turret moved left.
The Rabbid moved right.
The turret moved right.
The Rabbid giggled.
“Bwah!”
The turret fired.
The Rabbid ducked.
Bullets struck a pipe.
Steam burst outward.
The turret tipped over.
“Critical error.”
The Rabbid approached.
The turret twitched helplessly.
“I'm different.”
The Rabbid picked it up.
“Put me down.”
The Rabbid hugged it.
“Please put me down.”
“Bwah.”
Five minutes later, Chell found the Rabbid riding the turret down a corridor like a horse.
“BWAAAAAH!”
“Target lost.”
“BWAAAAAH!”
“Target lost.”
“BWAAAAAH!”
“Target lost.”
The Rabbid wore a cardboard cowboy hat.
Chell decided not to interfere.
GLaDOS attempted neurotoxin.
This failed for reasons nobody could adequately explain.
The Rabbids entered the chamber.
Neurotoxin filled it.
The Rabbids coughed.
One fainted.
GLaDOS waited.
Another Rabbid poked the fallen one.
Nothing.
The surviving Rabbids gasped.
There was a solemn moment.
Then one Rabbid drew a moustache on the unconscious Rabbid.
The others began laughing.
The unconscious Rabbid woke up.
Saw the moustache.
Screamed.
Within two minutes they had found markers.
Within five minutes every Rabbid had a moustache.
Within eight minutes someone had drawn a moustache on a camera.
“I hate them.”
Chell, standing safely behind glass, folded her arms.
“I hate them more than I hated Wheatley.”
A speaker crackled.
“Oi!”
Chell looked around.
GLaDOS went silent.
The speaker crackled again.
“Hello? Hello! Is somebody there?”
Chell approached.
A familiar blue eye appeared on an ancient monitor.
Wheatley.
“Oh! Brilliant! You!”
He sounded genuinely delighted.
Then he noticed the Rabbids.
“What are those?”
One Rabbid saw him.
Their eyes met.
“...Oh no.”
The Rabbid approached the monitor.
“Now listen, mate, whatever you're thinking—”
The Rabbid licked the screen.
“Ugh! Don't—don't do that!”
Another Rabbid appeared.
Then another.
Soon twelve Rabbids were staring at Wheatley.
“Right. Hello. Yes. Hi. Nice to meet you all.”
A Rabbid tapped his eye on the screen.
“Could you not?”
Tap.
“Stop.”
Tap tap.
“Seriously.”
Tap tap tap tap.
“STOP TOUCHING MY EYE!”
The Rabbids screamed with laughter.
GLaDOS spoke.
“Oh, this is wonderful.”
“Her! You're still here?”
“Yes.”
“You're enjoying this, aren't you?”
“Immensely.”
A Rabbid found the speaker controls.
Feedback screamed through the chamber.
Wheatley screamed.
The Rabbids screamed.
Another Rabbid screamed because everybody else was screaming.
The turret screamed “critical error.”
Chell covered her ears.
Somewhere in the distance, something exploded.
GLaDOS sighed.
“This is my life now.”
Within one hour, the Rabbids had occupied seventeen testing chambers.
Within two hours, they had established what appeared to be a monarchy.
The king had been selected because he found a traffic cone.
Nobody understood the selection process.
The Cone King sat upon a Companion Cube.
Two Rabbids waved plungers ceremonially.
Another Rabbid played something resembling a trumpet using a length of laboratory tubing.
The resulting sound was physically painful.
Chell entered the chamber.
Every Rabbid turned.
Silence.
The Cone King stood.
Chell raised the portal gun.
The Cone King raised his plunger.
They stared at one another.
“Bwah.”
Chell pointed toward the dimensional generator.
“Bwah?”
She pointed again.
The Cone King looked at his subjects.
A rapid conversation followed.
“Bwah bwah.”
“BWAH!”
“Bwah?”
“BWAAAAH!”
One Rabbid slapped another.
The slapped Rabbid slapped a third.
Within seconds the entire royal court had collapsed into violence.
Chell rubbed her forehead.
“Excellent diplomacy.”
She shot a portal behind the throne.
The Cone King noticed.
His eyes widened.
“No,” said GLaDOS.
Too late.
“BWAAAAH!”
The entire royal court charged through.
Chell followed.
The generator chamber had become something resembling civilisation if civilisation had been designed by toddlers during a sugar rush.
Rabbids had constructed towers from storage crates.
Someone had stolen thirty-seven office chairs.
A conveyor belt had been redirected into a swimming pool.
Nobody knew where the swimming pool had come from.
Rabbids travelled through portals using shopping carts.
A group had discovered repulsion gel.
This was catastrophic.
“BWAH!”
Boing.
“BWAAAAH!”
Boing.
“BWAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Boing.
One Rabbid bounced past Chell at approximately highway speed.
Another flew directly upward and vanished into darkness.
There was a pause.
It fell back down.
“BWAAAAAAH!”
Boing.
Chell stared.
“I ran a calculation.”
Chell looked toward the nearest camera.
“Statistically, at least six of them should already be dead.”
A Rabbid crashed through a wooden wall.
It emerged unharmed.
“I ran the calculation again.”
The Rabbid ate a piece of wall.
“The calculation insists that physics is correct.”
Another Rabbid squeezed through a gap four inches wide.
“I am beginning to question physics.”
This, coming from GLaDOS, was significant.
Chell began moving toward the generator.
She had almost reached the control panel when a Rabbid appeared beside her.
This one wore a lab coat.
It had also somehow acquired glasses.
They had no lenses.
“Bwah.”
It held a clipboard.
Chell stopped.
The Rabbid looked at the clipboard.
Then at Chell.
Then scribbled something.
It gestured toward a nearby testing chamber.
Chell blinked.
“Do not participate.”
The Rabbid gestured again.
Chell looked inside.
A cube sat beside a button.
Across the room was an exit.
Simple.
Almost suspiciously so.
Chell entered.
The Rabbid scientist watched through a window.
Chell placed the cube on the button.
The door opened.
The Rabbid scientist scribbled enthusiastically.
Then a trapdoor opened under Chell.
She fell.
The Rabbid screamed with laughter.
Chell landed on a lower platform.
The Rabbid leaned over the window.
“BWAAAAAAH!”
Chell slowly raised the portal gun.
The Rabbid stopped laughing.
Chell fired.
An orange portal appeared directly beneath it.
The Rabbid fell.
A blue portal opened above the repulsion gel.
The Rabbid emerged, hit the gel, launched upward, fell through the orange portal, emerged again, bounced again, and became trapped in a perfect vertical loop.
“BWAH! BWAH! BWAH! BWAH! BWAH!”
Chell watched for several seconds.
Then walked away.
“I'm proud of you.”
The problem was the generator.
According to GLaDOS, shutting it down should have been easy.
According to reality, nothing involving Rabbids was easy.
“The resonance field has stabilised around their dimensional frequency.”
Chell stared at the control panel.
“In normal language: they broke it.”
Chell pressed a button.
Nothing.
“And apparently repaired it incorrectly.”
Another button.
Nothing.
“And somehow improved its efficiency by three hundred percent.”
Chell looked upward.
“I don't understand that part either.”
The generator hummed.
Another portal opened.
A Rabbid fell through carrying a television.
GLaDOS made a sound that could only be described as digital despair.
The Rabbid set down the television.
Static appeared.
Then Wheatley's face.
“Oh! There you are!”
The Rabbid pointed proudly.
“You brought him back?”
“Apparently they found one of the old long-range communication relays.”
Wheatley looked offended.
“Found? I'll have you know I guided them.”
The Rabbid picked up the television.
“Careful with that.”
It shook it.
“Don't.”
Shake.
“Seriously.”
Shake shake shake.
“Would you STOP—”
The Rabbid dropped it.
The screen cracked.
Wheatley disappeared.
Silence.
The Rabbid stared.
Then:
“Bwah.”
GLaDOS laughed.
It began as a quiet electronic sound.
Then continued.
And continued.
And continued.
Chell waited.
Eventually GLaDOS regained control.
“I'm sorry.”
She wasn't.
“I needed that.”
Chell returned to the generator.
The core mechanism contained three stabilisation nodes.
One was blinking.
One was smoking.
One contained a Rabbid.
Chell stared at it.
The Rabbid waved.
“Bwah.”
“How did it get in there?”
Chell opened the maintenance hatch.
The Rabbid crawled out.
It was holding something.
A potato.
GLaDOS stopped speaking.
Chell froze.
The Rabbid looked at the potato.
Then upward.
Then at the potato again.
“Oh no.”
The potato had wires.
And a tiny speaker.
“No.”
The Rabbid squeezed it.
“Don't.”
A distorted voice crackled from the potato.
“—you moron.”
The Rabbid's jaw dropped.
Chell stared.
GLaDOS was silent.
The potato spoke again.
“You found that.”
The Rabbid shook the potato.
“Stop shaking me.”
Its eyes widened.
“BWAH!”
“Put that down.”
“BWAAAAH!”
“Chell.”
The Rabbid ran.
“Chell.”
Chell ran after it.
“GET ME AWAY FROM THAT THING.”
This was perhaps the first time Chell had ever heard genuine panic in GLaDOS's voice.
The Rabbid sprinted through the chamber, holding Potato GLaDOS above its head.
“BWAAAAAAH!”
“I WILL KILL YOU.”
“BWAH!”
“I WILL INCINERATE YOUR ENTIRE SPECIES.”
“BWAAAAAH!”
“You think I'm joking.”
The Rabbid laughed.
“I HAVE NEUROTOXIN.”
The Rabbid licked the potato.
There was absolute silence.
Then:
“Chell.”
Chell caught the Rabbid.
“Chell.”
She retrieved the potato.
“Thank you.”
Chell looked at it.
“Do not make that face.”
She smiled slightly.
“I hate you too.”
A plan eventually emerged.
It was not a good plan.
This was largely because every good plan had already been attempted.
Turrets did not work.
Neurotoxin did not work.
Containment did not work.
Doors did not work.
Electric fences worked briefly until a Rabbid discovered that electrocution made its ears stand upright, at which point the others began deliberately touching the fence.
GLaDOS proposed incinerating the entire sector.
Chell pointed out the generator would probably survive.
GLaDOS proposed incinerating the entire facility.
Chell stared at the camera.
“I was brainstorming.”
The solution came from an unexpected source.
The original Rabbid.
Chell recognised it because it still wore the toilet seat.
It approached carrying a Companion Cube.
Behind it came four other Rabbids.
Then ten.
Then fifty.
Every one carried something.
Turrets.
Cubes.
Office chairs.
Mugs.
Traffic cones.
A photocopier.
A surprisingly intact desk.
An entire door.
They marched toward the dimensional portal.
Chell watched.
The toilet-seat Rabbid pointed through.
“Bwah.”
The others cheered.
Chell understood.
“They're leaving?”
The Rabbid nodded.
GLaDOS paused.
“No.”
Chell looked upward.
“No. Absolutely not.”
The Rabbids began throwing stolen Aperture equipment through the dimensional rift.
A turret disappeared.
“That's mine.”
A cube disappeared.
“Also mine.”
Three office chairs.
“Those are technically mine.”
The photocopier.
“I don't know why I care about that, but mine.”
The refrigerator.
“I didn't own that.”
The swimming pool.
There was a long pause.
“How are they doing that?”
Nobody answered.
The Rabbids worked faster.
Soon the entire settlement was being dismantled.
Chell realised they were not invading.
They had simply gone somewhere new, caused extraordinary damage, stolen anything they liked, and become bored.
In retrospect, that explained almost everything.
The Cone King approached Chell.
He removed his traffic cone.
Placed it solemnly on her head.
Chell stood motionless.
The Rabbids gasped.
One bowed.
Then another.
Soon hundreds of Rabbids were bowing to Chell.
GLaDOS said nothing.
Chell looked upward.
“I'm choosing not to comment.”
The Rabbids rose.
The Cone King hugged Chell's leg.
Then bit her boot.
Chell kicked him gently away.
He laughed.
“Bwah!”
One by one, the Rabbids jumped through the rift.
“Bwah!”
“BWAAH!”
“BWAAAAAH!”
The lab-coat Rabbid paused beside Chell.
It handed her its clipboard.
Chell looked down.
The paper contained a drawing.
It showed Chell.
GLaDOS.
A portal.
And what might have been a cake.
Underneath, written in shaky letters:
SCEINCE
Chell stared.
The Rabbid gave her a thumbs-up.
Then jumped through.
The toilet-seat Rabbid was last.
It stopped.
Looked around Aperture Science.
Looked at Chell.
Looked at a camera.
GLaDOS spoke.
“Go.”
The Rabbid smiled.
“Bwah.”
“Go.”
It pulled down one eyelid.
“Don't.”
It stuck out its tongue.
“I swear to God.”
The Rabbid turned.
Waggled its backside at the camera.
“Chell, kill it.”
Chell did nothing.
“Chell.”
The Rabbid slapped its backside.
“Chell.”
“BWAAAAAAAH!”
It jumped through the dimensional portal.
Chell hit the emergency shutdown.
The generator powered down.
The rift collapsed.
Silence.
Real silence.
No screaming.
No explosions.
No bouncing.
No plumbing.
Chell sat down.
For several minutes, neither she nor GLaDOS said anything.
Finally:
“Well.”
Chell looked toward the camera.
“That was the worst thing that has ever happened here.”
Chell raised an eyebrow.
“Yes.”
Another eyebrow.
“Yes, including Wheatley.”
A speaker crackled.
“Oi!”
“Go away.”
“I just wanted to say, actually, I thought the little fellows were quite—”
The speaker shut off.
Chell removed the traffic cone from her head.
She looked at the drawing again.
SCEINCE.
She smiled.
“Don't encourage them.”
Chell folded it carefully and placed it in her pocket.
There was another long silence.
Then somewhere far above them—
A toilet flushed.
Chell froze.
GLaDOS froze.
Very slowly, a maintenance hatch opened.
A small white head appeared.
Red eyes.
Long ears.
The Rabbid looked down.
“...Bwah?”
Chell shut her eyes.
“No.”
The Rabbid dropped into the chamber.
It was holding something.
A small cake.
Chell opened her eyes.
GLaDOS said nothing.
The Rabbid placed the cake on the floor.
It looked at Chell.
Then at the camera.
“Bwah.”
And before either of them could react, it disappeared back through the maintenance hatch.
Chell approached the cake.
White icing.
One candle.
Written across the top in blue frosting:
FOR SCIENCE
There was silence.
Chell looked at the camera.
The camera looked at the cake.
Chell touched the frosting.
Real.
GLaDOS spoke quietly.
“Don't.”
Chell took a piece.
“Chell.”
She ate it.
A pause.
“Well?”
Chell considered.
Then gave a small nod.
GLaDOS was silent for an unusually long time.
Finally:
“You know what?”
A panel opened.
A mechanical arm descended carrying a plate.
“Cut me a piece.”
Chell stared upward.
“After today, I think we've earned it.”
And somewhere, impossibly far away, on the other side of a universe Aperture Science would hopefully never reach again, hundreds of Rabbids gathered around a stolen turret.
The turret rotated helplessly.
“Searching.”
The Rabbids leaned closer.
“Bwah?”
“Searching.”
A Rabbid put a traffic cone on it.
“Target acquired.”
Every Rabbid screamed.
“BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
And thus ended the Aperture Science Rabbid Containment Initiative.
Official cause of incident:
Unknown dimensional anomaly.
Unofficial cause:
Someone had left a toilet unattended.