Archive of Our Own ^beta

At some point in his life, Jungkook had learned to deal with disappointment. It was not easy, because he was a very determined person. Whatever he started, he finished, and he was never satisfied by mediocrity. He climbed at the very top, without ever considering the inevitable fall that came hand in hand with it, because for him rejection was not an option.

Those rules to live by were very hard to take out of his system, but when he finally did, the Numbness came.

He recalled the day it started, when he left his house for college. His mother looked at him with eyes full of caught tears and troubled thoughts, but not a word left her lips. He whispered goodbye, kissed her on the cheek and left.

It was a big deal, but he tried not to think about it any more, because he would come back (maybe, someday, somehow, when the words didn't prickle on his skin any more, when his head was clean and the clouds that hovered over her mother's house disappeared).

So Jungkook lived his days in the most common, normal, mediocre way possible. Working at a grocery store. Buying coffee and noodles. Taking pictures and taking them to class, to be told what he did wrong and then taking the pictures again trying to avoid those mistakes just to make some others.

When he was a children he was terrified to live like this. He had big dreams, big plans to take over the planet. Things he wanted to say to everyone, rights he wanted to fight for. So many people had to see his face, so many countries had to wait for his arrival.

But then, on the two hours and a half train ride to Seoul, a single cardboard box sitting on his lap and a suitcase that was about to burst at his feet, his mind begun to slowly disconnect from his body, and he learned more in that trip than what he had learned in eighteen years of life. When he got to his crappy dorm, there were no tears left from the defeated child inside him. Only cold hands and weak smiles from the person he did not know any more.

Days went by incredibly fast, even if the hours felt eternal. The definition of “living” was now subjective and debatable to him.

So he kept working at the grocery store. He kept taking pictures. He kept making mistakes. He went on in his life, the Numbness growing bigger, the illusion getting smaller, and his dreams metamorphosing into responsibilities and to-do lists.

--

Contrary to everything movies, books, or dramas have taught him, when he met Taehyung for the first time time didn't slow down, epic music didn't play in the background, cherry blossoms didn't flutter in the air around them. His breath didn't get caught up in his lungs, he wasn't frozen in place. He didn't even spare him a glance, caught up in his book. He was not blown away by his beauty; if anything he thought his face looked a little funny, mouth big and eyes shiny and crinkled. When Jeongguk and Taehyung looked at each other for the first time, he didn't feel his heart beating harder, or his cheeks get hot.

However, he was still caught by surprise when, out of all the empty places in the room, this stranger decided to sit right next to him and, with a kind smile on his face, he said: "Hi! I'm Kim Taehyung."

Jeongguk knew some people thought he was rude. He hated thinking that people might have that concept of him. He liked to think he was quite polite: he tried not to curse, he said please and thank you to everyone, he listened to the teachers in respect, he tried to help when people asked him to. He was, though, very shy. That, combined with the constant apathy that takes over him, gave him a stoic look that he doesn't actually dislike.

The loneliness, that was hard sometimes, but he was not bothered by people leaving him alone.

So when a complete stranger approached him, all smiles, Jeongguk did feel a little attacked, like his bubble of antisocial self defence has been violated.

Kim Taehyung seemed unaffected by that fact, still expecting him to say something back. So Jeongguk licked his lips nervously and did.

"Jeon Jeongguk."

"I was chatting with the kids standing over there," he subtly pointed at the group of people leaning against the wall. "Because my friends don't go to this class. So I was trying to make new ones. But then they started telling me how you are weird and I should not talk to you because you are creepy."

Jeoungguk wanted to be offended, but he was just terrified. He could feel his palms getting sweaty and he lowered his gaze, unable to contain a hysterical giggle, because he really didn't want to talk to Kim Taehyung It's not like he was trying to be friends with him, but still the idea that maybe he just came off as weird and creepy, or that maybe he actually was both of those things terrified him. He really was a kind person, he was just awkward. He didn't want anyone to think he was alone because he was freaky. He was alone because he enjoyed it, because it made his life easy and his mind could be busy thinking about actually interesting things instead of people.

"So why are you talking to me?"

"Because I don't want to be friends with mean people and you don't look like you are rude, or weird... or mean. So I decided I'm gonna be friends with you."

Jeoungguk blinked once. Twice. Taehyung was still there, smile too big, eyes too bright. "You don't have to, it's fine. Thanks."

"I know I don't have to, but you look cool and I already made up my mind. Now we're friends."

"And I don't have a say in this?" Jeongguk couldn't refrain the undertone of amusement in his sentence. Taehyung seemed to catch the joke under his words, because he was unfazed by his words.

"Not at all. It's too late. We are basically best friends now."

--

And then he was everywhere. Taehyung was in the hallways, screaming and jumping around his friends, he was in the park with his arm around a boy, he was in the library with his nose buried in a book, he was in the grocery store staring intensely at the canned goods, and Jeongguk was now painfully aware of his presence everywhere he went.

He didn't seem to be the only one, though, because each time Taehyung saw him too. And he stopped walking and pointed at him, telling all his friends how he was "that very cool kid that goes with me in class, I told you about him", or stopped walking to say hi to him, or raised his head and waved at him before inviting him to sit with him (Jeongguk declined the offer every time, but always with kindness because he actually liked Taehyung), or looked at him with wide eyes and said "I didn't know you work here!".

Moreover, it seemed like the sitting together was not a one time thing. Taehyung had made an habit out of it, and no matter how little conversation Jeongguk gave him, he always found something interesting to say, from silly animal facts to deep book analysis. And he could not complain, because during class he never bothered him, and the things he told him were actually engaging, and even if he usually never said much back, he always listened to him with interest.

So Jeongguk found himself in an uncomfortable position, because he actually thought Taehyung was a cool person, someone worth talking to, but still, something held him back. Whether it was his pride, his shyness, or his complete apathy to his surroundings, that was up for discussion, but the fact that he would like being friends with him was undeniable.

But it was okay, because every day, upon entering the class, Kim Taehyung would be sitting next to him, a huge smile on his lips and something ready to start a one sided conversation. And he was patient enough to not care about how unresponsive he was. He easily became a constant in his life. He was always there, in one way or another.

Until one day he wasn't.

One day he came in the class, and he wasn't there. He didn't show up for the rest of the lesson. And only then Jeongguk realised that Taehyung was actually someone in his life. He couldn't pretend he was the stranger that sat next to him in class, that weird guy that waved at him on the hallways. How could he be a stranger when Jeongguk knew by heart the way his honey blonde hair fell on his eyes, when he could draw the shape of his smile in the air with his finger, when he could see his eyes sàrkling if he closed his eyes and focused hard enough? He spent way too many hours sitting next to him, looking at him, listening to him. He was too aware of his omnipresence. He was so obviously engraved in his life, but then again he recognised he was just a ghost of a friend, a relationship built with smoke, because he was not real in is life. He had no way of contacting him, he didn't know where he lived, he didn't know who he was.

But most importantly, Jeongguk realised how lonely he truly was.

--

The next day, when he arrived, Taehyung was sitting in his place, with a brand new mane of messy lilac hair.

"I had a terrible headache," he said with a pout. "But I'm better now, don't worry."

Jeongguk hadn't told him he was worried, but he was. So he thanked him, and when Taehyung told him about his new hair he said it looked good and that he had been thinking about maybe dying his a lighter brown.

Taehyung didn't acknowledge his change in attitude, but his eyes seemed a little bit brighter and his shoulders looked as if a ton of weigh had been lifted, and no matter how much his hands were sweating and how much his voice stuttered Jeongguk knew he had done the right thing.

--

The next day Taehyung asked to do the project together. Jeongguk said yes.

--

The next time they met at the library, Jeongguk sat next to Taehyung, without him having to ask first, because it was the reason he went there. Both of them were leaning towards Taehyung's computer, their shoulders were brushing and for some reason Jeongguk couldn't stop giggling like an idiot.

Well, “for some reason” meaning “because Kim Taehyung is an idiot, also funny and kind of cute”.

He was trying very hard to take notes from the book in front of him, but Taehyung kept pulling absurd concentration faces, frowning every time he was confused by what he was reading, biting his lip as he was typing, shaking his head as he erase everything he just wrote, and really, Jeongguk shouldn't notice any of those things, he should be reading his book, but he was not, he was staring at Taehyung.

Then, the laptop ran out of battery, and the screen went black as Taehyung was vigorously typing. His hands stopped, frozen, hovering the keyboard, eyes wide as the moon, lips parted in disbelief. Next, he started pressing the power button, frantically, as he whispered to himself “I didn't save, I didn't save, I didn't save”. And really, Jeongguk should be freaking out too, because that was also his project. But the whole image was ridiculous and Taehyung was so silly, so stupid for not saving, honestly, it's just pressing a key, so Jeongguk broke into laughter instead, hands failing to cover his mouth to muffle the sound. Taehyung turned to him, looking at him in disbelief and fear, mouth still open in surprise, hands slightly shaky, but then he hid his face in them as he started to laugh uncontrollably too.

People were turning to look at them, and the librarian got up from her desk to ask them to calm down immediately, but every time they seemed to contain their laughter, they looked at each other, and one of them would let out a snicker, and they would lose the hold of themselves again.

They eventually got kicked out of the library, picking up their stuff and ignoring all the eyes curiously watching the scene they started, and left with hurting stomachs and huge grins on their faces.

"We can go to my place. My flatmate is not there, so we won't be bothered," Taehyung managed to suggest, once he could breath normally, and Jeongguk contained all of his nerves and inquietude and agreed.

The flat was as unimpressive and worth detailing as expected. It was small, cramped, slightly messy and warm. Taehyung screamed "Hoseok-hyung?" loudly, and when he got no response he guided them to his room. The room was also small, cramped, messy and warm, with the addition of a lot of books and clothes. Someone else would hurriedly apologise for the mess (“someone else” meaning Jeongguk), but he just cleaned up the bed and sat there, offering him the desk to work comfortably.

There, they finally managed to get their work done.

Still, if Jeongguk managed to sneak a glance at Taehyung every now and then to admire the way he sighed in frustration or ran his fingers through his hair, who could blame him?

(And if he got caught once, Taehyung turning his head staring back at him and smiling widely before going back to work, well, he would try to repress the memories and avoid the embarrassment.)

--

He called it the Numbness, for there is no other way to name something that is nothing.

Jeongguk had feelings, that's for sure. It wasn't a lack of emotions, it was the inability to process and express them.

Of course he wanted nothing more than to call his mother and talk things through, fix everything he broke when he stepped out of his home. There was nothing that would make him happier than reaching out to Taehyung, ask him to hang out, get to know him. He wanted to make friends, know people, be affected by what others thought of him, and he did, he was, he just couldn't process it.

He wanted to be happy, but how could he consider looking for happiness when happiness seemed so useless, so unreachable. Good things happened to him, he had nice stuff in his life, moments that brought him happiness. But they never reached him. His heart grew colder, his mood grew more apathetic.

The Numbness did not consist on failing to experience emotions.

The Numbness was the almost complete disconnection from everything that surrounded him.

Some days it was just that one thing that kept him away from interacting with others, that chain that locked him in his dorm with his books and his pictures.

Other days, it dragged him down to unexplored dark places of his mind (that were unexplored for some reason). On those days, getting out of bed seemed like a great effort, and by the time he got to class he almost felt like he was going to pass out.

(He never did, so he always stayed.)

For some reason, the day he sat down next to Taehyung, Numbness taking over him as he tried to blatantly ignore the voice that told him he should not be here, the eternally talkative boy didn't say word. He just stared at him, unreadable expression, until Jeongguk muttered a "what?".

"Are you okay? Did you get any sleep at all?" Jeongguk had slept just fine, he told him. "Then why do you look like a truck ran over you for five hours straight?" Jeongguk didn't know what he was talking about, he was just fine. "I call bullshit. Come one, let's get out of here."

"But what about the class?"

"We are doing fine in this class. Your health is more important. Hurry up, before the teacher gets here," and before he could argue any further he grabbed both of their bags and exited the classroom.

Jeongguk looked around him, hestitant. All the other students were talking to each other, half of them were not even there yet. No one cared about what they did. So he got up and followed him.

He found Taehyung leaning against the wall, smiling softly. "I thought I was gonna have to come in there and drag you out."

"I don't like skipping class."

"I'm skipping class. You are not, you are taking a rest day, that's fine."

"I don't need a rest day, I'm not sick. I'm fine."

"Not all sickness is manifested physically.

"That makes no sense."

Taehyung rolled his eyes and grabbed him by the wrist, warm fingers curling around his cold bones. "Let's get out of here and I will explain."

Jeongguk was guided out of the building, while he tried to ignore the way his skin tingled in the place where it touched Taehyung's. He sighed when Taehyung came to a stop, sitting down in the grass and pulling him down to make him do the same.

"We should be in class. I had a question for our project," he complained, but sat down anyway.

"This is more important."

"I still don't know what you mean by this. I'm not sick. Just a little stressed out by school."

"Not all sickness is in the body. Sometimes, when you are sad or angry, or when you lose someone, or for any random reason, your brain and your heart get sick too."

Jeongguk looked at him blankly, but his chest clenched slightly at his words. "Are you? I mean, sick. From the brain. And the heart."

"I have been. But I'm okay now. The thing is, a few days ago I had a headache and I was not okay, so I stayed home and rested. If you are not feeling okay, then why are you here? I mean," Taehyung ran a hand through his hair, sighing in frustration. "I... I know I like to pretend I know you better than I do. You don't talk much, and I can't honestly say that I understand everything you do. It's hard sometimes, because. I care about you. A lot. You're my friend, you know that, don't you?" He turned to look at a speechless Jeongguk. No, he didn't know. "So, I understand if you are a reserved person. You don't have to be friends with me if you don't want to. It's fine, really. I know I can be excitable and impulsive. Where was I going? I had a point," he snickered, shaking his head and looking down at the grass underneath his fingers. Jeongguk smiled slightly, but didn't say a word. "What I'm trying to say is.... I'm not sure I actually know you. But I don't need to be a genius to notice that sometimes you are not okay. You look... far away. And sad. That's a kind of sickness too, you know?

“You deserve to know you are important to someone. You deserve to know that, even if I don't actually know you."

"Stop saying that. Of course you know me. I think you are the only person that does. I mean, you may not know when my birthday is, or who's my favourite singer is, or what my favourite book is, or..."

"I know that. Your favourite book is The picture of Dorian Gray. You finished it recently. And you really like BigBang, I know that," Jeongguk looked at him in surprise.

"I didn't expect you to remember."

"I could never forget," he whispered, looking away, as Jeongguk blushed.

"This is what I mean. To some extent, you may not know me. But you care enough to want to, even when I make it difficult for you to do it. I think you are my friend to."

They stayed silent after that, but it was okay. Jeongguk's palms were not sweaty, and he didn't feel like crying or passing out any more. He just felt a little warm in his stomach and very happy in his heart.

After a while, as they laid on the grass, shoulders brushing while Taehyung tried to braid strands of grass together, he closed his eyes and whispered: “Hyung?”
“Yes?”

"I think I'm not sick any more."

Taehyung didn't answer, but a few seconds later he felt someone squeezing his hand, and he was okay.

--

As close as they became, Jeongguk would always be an introvert at heart.

Also, unlike him, Taehyung had other friends. From what he learned, his best friend was Jimin, and he spent a lot of time with his roommate Hoseok. He always told him about his "parents", who were actually two friends older than him, saying that they would like him a lot and that they should hang out together sometimes.

Now, Jeongguk liked Taehyung a lot, but he had limits, so he brushed it off each time, mumbling about how they seemed like cool people but he was fine.

"It's okay," he answered every time. "Baby steps, Kookie."

(He still didn't understand why he called him Kookie, but he was scared to ask.)

That left him with free time to dedicate to his own activities.

Jeongguk had very few hobbies. He liked singing sometimes (on his own, in his dorm, where no one could hear him). He liked learning girl group dances (with his laptop on his bed, copying every mood, with the curtains closed and avoiding his reflection). Sometimes he doodled in the corners of his notebooks (and immediately erased all of it, worried that someone would see). All of them dirty little secrets he kept to himself, for his individual and particular enjoyment.

Photography, but. That he could show to people, he could be proud of what he did with a camera, he knew he was good, he enjoyed being good at it. His teachers praised him, his classmates either envied him or admired him. He was not one to brag, but he was very proud of his pictures.

And even if the results were something that he showed to anyone who asked, the process was possibly the most intimate thing he ever did.

He could wonder for hours around the city, all on his own, earphones isolating him from every other living being, photographing stranger's dates, capturing the angles of the buildings, the grey skies that hovered them, the smallest little details on the doors of humble shops.

He was used to unknown faces and opaque meanings, he was used to unfamiliarity and wonder.

And then, as he walked with the the camera glued on his face, through the objective, he spotted the weirdest thing he could ever imagine photographing.

A friend.

Taehyung was outside a library, examining the books on display through the glass. His nose was pressed against the glass, and his face was relaxed into that (very cute) expression he made when he was concentrated on something.

Jeongguk lowered his camera and took a few steps forward, ready to say hi. Then stopped, when Taehyung was only a few meters away, and observed quietly. The way he moved his lips subtly as he read the titles of the books, a habit he probably would never grow out of. The way his cheeks filled up when he pressed his lips together, thoughtful. The way his huge hands played with the rim of his jacket, nails scratching the zip.

He did not think. He raised his camera and snapped a shot, capturing the exact moment, Taehyung caught his lip in between his teeth, his profile standing out against the blurred background. He managed to take two more shots before Taehyung turned around. He tried to lower his camera, blush starting to spread out on his cheeks, but he was frozen in the spot, and he photographed the exact moment Taehyung made direct eye contact with the camera objective. He was ready to throw the camera and run, he was ready to apologise, ready to lose his newfound friendship forever. He was even expecting Taehyung to get embarrassed and cover his face, or get angry, or laugh at him.

But he didn't.

He smiled brightly and raised his hand in a peace sign, and Jeongguk smiled back and took another picture when he's able to breath again.

"I'm sorry, I should have asked for permission. It's just.... you looked..." He breathed in deeply and looked down, and if he was red before now his blush was even worse. "You looked cute."

"I always look cute, Jeongguk, you just never notice," Taehyung winked at him. Little did he know Jeongguk always noticed, but that was for him to know and Taehyung to never find out. "Can I see them? Do they look good?"

"Yeah, of course," he turned to the camera, going to the gallery, and he was about to hand the camera to his friend when he came behind him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and peeking over.

Jeongguk could feel his whole body about to tense up, not used to the contact, but instead, he instinctively leaning into the touch, licking his lips nervously and showing Taehyung the pictures he just took.

"Woah, those look so good. I look good. You are either very talented or very lucky. You never showed me your pictures before," he rested a his chin on his shoulder, and Jeongguk could feel his eyes, examining his profile. He swallowed the squeal that was going to escape from his throat.

"I... I didn't?"

"No. Will you? Someday? I kind of need to go now."

"Yes, sure. Any time," he whispered, staring at his shoes that, suddenly, seemed very interesting.

"Great. I'll text you later," and before he could answer, he felt a kiss on his cheek and a hand ruffling his hair. And Taehyung was gone.

Jeongguk stared at the camera in his hands, the image of his friend looking straight at the camera with surprise written on his face, right when he caught him. He stood there, unwilling to move, scared that the feeling of his lips on his skin would disappear if he did.

The screen finally turned black due to his inactivity, and only then he raised his head, shivers running down his spine.

--

When he got to his dorm, Jeongguk put the camera's SD card in his laptop and transferred all the pictures he took, choosing the ones he would later edit and use. When he got to Taehyung's, he stopped and opened the file. Initially, he looked at the image from a professional point of view, but as he was trying to evaluate what he should edit about it, he found himself unable to be indifferent. If he used any kind of filter, the beautiful golden colour of his skin would be lost. He would never dare erase any of the moles that were barely visible from this distance anyway, but that he knew were there. The simple thought of trying to change anything about how his clothes folded around his body, how his hands moved impatiently, how the light hit his figure, made him sick.

He turned everything off and took his shoes off before curling under the covers.

He never answered the text Taehyung promised him, even when he knew he got it.

--

The next weeks were weird to say the least.

Technically, everything was fine. Taehyung was still funny and giggly, doing strange things in the most random places and times. They still did projects together, had study nights together, sat next to each other in class. He still got pictures of dogs Taehyung took on the street ("look jk this one is just a puppie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"). He still answered every time ("puppy* did u ask permission before u took that?"). He showed him his photos, receiving endless compliments. He got to hear eternal rants about his favourite dramas and books.

He discovered the right to be validated. He obtained the privilege of being appreciated.

And he had to give up something so small, something minimal and ridiculous. All he gave in return was his solitude and his breath.

--

The Numbness had a partner now. Jeongguk called it 'the Monster' and stored it away in the depths of his detached heart.

The Monster was hungry and jumpy all the time. It nibbled at his fingers every time they touched Taehyung, it bounced excitedly on his stomach every time he made Taehyung smile, it devoured his words when they were about to escape his lips, it pressed against his lungs every time Taehyung embraced his body.

Jeongguk hated the Numbness, but the Monster? It was almost endearing, a nice contrast against the everlasting nothing his feelings were.

So he assumed responsibility for creating it and tried to feed it, keeping it shut, keeping it quiet, because as long as it stayed inside, he would gladly be eaten, emptied and turned inside out, until someone found him laying as nothing but skin, everything inside him absorbed by the things he was not supposed to feel.

--

"And the Jin-hyung answered 'it's enough for your mom', and I swear to god that dickhead's face looked like half of your closet."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Jeongguk frowned, eye still glued to the objective, crouching uncomfortably, trying to keep a building out of the frame of the sunset picture he was taking.

"You do wear too much red."

"That's not...!" He stopped to check his outfit, proud to see he was fully dressed in black. "That's not true."

"Not complaining, you look good in red. But there's other colours besides black and red." Jeongguk ignored his compliment, checking the pictures he just took. He could see Taehyung licking his lips, as he played with his thumbs. "You know, Jin-hyung is very nice. He would probably-"

"Okay," he blurted out, letting the camera hang around his neck and turning to face his friend, who looked terribly confused. He looked adorable, lips forming a small O, eyebrows lifted. The blue-ish light of the evening contrasting against the golden boy. Jeongguk wanted to capture the image forever. Save nothing but his picture, because someone like Taehyung was not his to keep, he deserved to run free, to laugh and shine forever, illuminate everyone's day, bright, happy, sunny. Capturing the pretty creature for only a few minutes, to save his image forever, and then free him into the wilderness.

He knew the effect Kim Taehyung had on people. He wondered how it felt, to know everyone who laid eyes on you was instantly in love with you.

"Okay what?"

"I know what you are going to propose. You want me to meet Jin-hyung, because he's very nice and kind and patient and you know he will like me. You asked it over a thousand times."

"Oh. Yes. And... what's your answer?"

"I also answered a thousand times."

"Yes. True," he lowered his gaze, kicking the ground.

"But I said okay. So, tell me a day. We can meet." Taehyung raised his head, grin spreading on his gaze. Jeongguk would say yes to everything to see that smile.

"Are you serious?"

"Just because I'm very tired of you asking. Now go sit under that tree," he added, holding his camera again.

"Are you going to take pictures of me?" He obeyed, sitting cross legged.

"My teacher said I need to photograph more people," that was not entirely a lie.

"I'm so excited for you to meet hyung. You would love to take pictures of him. He's very handsome, I know he's done modelling work for small companies. He would totally would model for you."

"I look forward to it," he wasn't. He was just realising what he got himself into, and he was freaking out. But he kept his exterior calm and knelt next to Taehyung.

"Does my hair look okay? Can you fix it for me?" The idea of reaching out and touching the soft purple hair was very tempting. But Jeongguk still had some self control left, and Taehyung's hair looked just fine, kind of wavy and puffed out. He looked natural, and incredibly young.

"It looks fine," he reached out and took Taehyung's hands in between his. The Monster yelped inside him, rolling around. Jeongguk ignored the warmth spreading around his body. He placed the hands on Taehyung's hands on top of his crossed ankles before leaning away and looking at him through the objective. There was an instant change on his face, from giddy and excited to neutral and relaxed, looking directly at the objective. Jeongguk felt his heart melt before the kindness the dark eyes showed.

"Hyung?" He whispered.

"Yes, Kookie?"

"Are you worried because I don't have friends?"

Taehyung frowned slightly, and his eyes filled with sadness. "No. I'm scared that you will feel lonely. You have a friend. I'm your friend."

"I'm glad that you are my friend. It's better than having no friends," he admitted, changing the angle to take more pictures. Taehyung smiled a little.

"Having more than one friend is even better."

"It's a little scary. But..."

"Do you trust me?"

Jeongguk lowered the camera. Their eyes locked. "Yes."

"Then believe me. You will be fine."

--

Jeongguk's mum called a few days after. He was not fine.

--

He didn't realise he probably looked like a psycho until he pressed the doorbell of Taehyung's flat. The thing is, right now the Numbness was overtaking, flowing in his veins, slipping through his fingers, bleeding on his lips. He could feel a sinister aura wrapping him, and he really wanted to go home and never come out again.

But he promised. He promised Taehyung he would not take it back, that he would actually meet Jin.

So he dragged himself to the flat. And he pressed the doorbell. Looking like an insane, scared, twelve year old.

Taehyung opened the door, jumping excitedly. Jeongguk watched him as the hyped greeting died before it came out, his eyes widening. He forced a smile, but he probably made himself look creepy, because Taehyung seemed horrified.

"Hey," he whispered. "Is... is Jin-hyung here? Am I late? I'm sorry, I just-"

"Are you crying? Kookie, why are you crying?" He reached out to touch his face at the same time he raised a hand, looking for tears. Both of them touched his wet cheek at the same time, Taehyung's hand wiping it with a careful hand and his own rubbing furiously, angry at himself because why would he be crying, there was nothing to be sad about. He didn't feel sadness, he felt unreal, he felt like he was just in a dream. But he wasn't.

"I'm okay. I didn't know I was crying. Am I late?"

"What's wrong, Jeongguk? Are you okay?" Taehyung didn't move his hand, instead placing the other one on his shoulder and pulling him inside.

"I'm fine. I'm... I'm okay. You don't have to worry," but even as he said that, he felt his shoulders tremble and a sob interrupted his words.

"You don't have to do this, you know? If... if it makes you very nervous or uncomfortable. I know I asked you to, but you don't have to do it. I mean it."

"You don't understand! I want to! I was excited," he hated himself so much, because now he couldn't stop crying. Ugly sounds were being ripped from his throat, and thoughts and feelings were starting a war inside his brain. His head hurt like hell, and his face was starting to feel very hot. The thing is, he probably had been like this the whole way to Taehyung's place, but he didn't notice. He never noticed. "I wanted to, so bad. I was ready. I was fine."

"Then? What happened? You don't need to be nervous. Hyung won't be mean to you."

"It's not about him! It's not about you!", he stepped away from him, covering his face in shame. "Don't... don't look at me..." He could feel Taehyung radiating pity. He could hear the concern and the care and he dreaded it. "I'll calm down. Just. Don't touch me."

"No way I'm leaving you like this, Jeongguk," Taehyung ignored his request and gently grabbed his wrists, revealing his face and guiding him to the living room to sit him down on the couch. "Okay. Now I'm going to call Jin-hyung and tell him-"

"No, please, I can do it. I told you I'm fine. You don't have to. I told you I want this!"

"I know you do," Taehyung knelt on the floor, in front of him. He rested his hands on his knees and started rubbing circles with his thumbs. It was, somehow, shooting, and even in between tears he could feel his breath slowing down. "I'm just going to tell him you are sick and that we'll have to meet another day, okay?" Jeongguk didn't answer. "Okay. I'll make the call. Need anything? Water? Do you want to go to the bathroom?" He nodded. "Okay. You know where it is, don't you? Hoseok-hyung is in his room studying. So if we don't bother him he shouldn't come out until dinner time."

Jeongguk nodded again and got up to almost run to the bathroom. He avoided looking at his reflection, splashing water on his face trying to erase his tears, and his messy brain told him that if maybe he scrubbed hard enough he could erase everything else too.

But his cheeks hurt from the rubbing and not looking at himself was getting increasingly harder, so he turned off the water and went back to the living room, drying his face with his sleeve. Taehyung was sitting in the couch, looking at the turned off TV in front of him, his face scrunched up in a thoughtful frown.

"I'm... I'm gonna go. I'm sorry I wasted your time," he muttered, looking at his shoes. Taehyung looked at him, eyes widening.

"Leaving? In this state?"

"I feel bad for lying. I'm not sick, I should just... I'm leaving. Thanks for everything."

"We talked about it, remember? You are not physically sick," he got up, standing up in front of him. "But... you are not fine either. You don't need to lie to me."

"I'm not lying, we... we talked about this. I told you I wasn't sick any more, and I was supposed to be okay. I thought I was okay. Why don't I feel okay?"

"Oh, fuck. Of course you are not okay. Kookie, no one was expecting you to be fine from one day or another. I mean, yes, talking about it that other day helped you. But it takes more than that."

"It... it does?"

"I was not expecting you to be magically happy forever," Taehyung took his face in between his hands, looking at him in the eye, and Jeongguk felt shivers running down his spine. "It's okay to not be okay."

Jeongguk looked directly into Taehyung's eyes. Taehyung's warm, kind, pretty eyes. "That makes no sense."

"I never do. Now, how about I make you some tea and you tell me what happened?"

So Jeongguk sat down on the couch again, steaming cup of tea in his hand, while Taehyung, next to him, looked at him in expectation.

"You're going to think it's stupid."

"I won't."

"What if it is?"
"It's important enough to make you cry, so it's not stupid. Tell me already," he felt a hand on his knee again. All the little touches, the comforting voice, and specially his eyes, always on him, constantly watching him, they were driving him crazy. He stared into the dark liquid inside his mug. Intensely. Then scooted closer to Taehyung, who wrapped his free arm around his shoulders as his other hand squeezed his leg gently. Not helping. His heart started racing faster and he could feel the Monster roaring inside him. But it also felt nice, comforting.

"My mum called."

"That's a bad thing?"

"Yes, it is."

"Why, did she have bad news?"

"No. Wonderful news. Truly beautiful news."

He was still avoiding Taehyung's face, but he knew he was frowning in confusion. The cute confusion frown, a classic. But he kept looking at the liquid that was slowly growing colder in between his hands.

"Then what's wrong?"

"I left home for college about seven months ago."

"Yeah, like every other freshman."

"She's now seven months pregnant."

"Oh. So... is she mad? Because you left?"

"No. I'm mad because she's pregnant."

Silence.

"I don't understand," Taehyung whispered after a while. "I thought you liked kids."

"I do. That's why I'm angry," he stayed silent, waiting for him to elaborated. "I was a miserable kid. My father left when I was very, very young. My mum was a powerful person, you know? We never had financial trouble, but she was heartbroken. And I know she's a good person. I know she meant well. But. I feel bad for saying it. I hate saying this, but she's a bad mum. She was a terrible mum."

"Why? Did... did she hit you? Hurt you? Punish you?" Taehyung's voice was trembling slightly. Jeongguk hid his face in Taehyung's neck, and he felt the mug leaving his hands, and heard Taehyung leaving it on the coffee table before hugging him.

"No. She never touched me. It's just. She was busy, all the time. Working. Having friends. Sometimes she came back late and was surprised when she saw me, like... like she forgot I existed. If I was hungry she gave me money. What kind of mum does that? I understand she was too busy to cook, but she even forgot to buy groceries since she always ate at work, and she never tucked me to sleep, she never... thought about me. I didn't have a mum. I had a woman that knew my name and shared her house and money with me."

Taehyung's arms tightened around him, and he tentatively slipped his around his waist. Taehyung rested his forehead on his shoulder, kissing his cheek softly. "That's not okay, you know that, don't you? Kids should be raised in love and attention. No kid can raise himself. No kid is smart enough to do that, not even you," Jeongguk could hear a small smile on his voice, and he could feel his own eyes crinkling slightly.

"She got married gain when I was sixteen. She got better. She acknowledged my existence, but considered I was too old to be cared for. So she decided she would get a new kid. As if kids were puppies, and I was an old dog that was to tired to play."

"And what happened? Were you jealous, because she wanted to care for someone like she never cared for you? Because that's understandable. I would be jealous."

"No. I was angry. I was very angry and worried, because I don't want anyone to go through what I went. You don't understand. My mother fucked me up, for the rest of my days. I will... I will never be a normal person. I have this... nothing inside me. People talk to me, and nothing ever reaches me. It's like I'm not even real. Like I'm a puppet and I'm just being carried around. I will never be able to have normal friends, or a stable relationship. I don't think I can have kids. I don't think I can truly feel things. I don't think I have an identity. I don't want anyone else in this world to feel like me."

Taehyung petted his hair, separating himself slightly to look him I the eye. "Did you tell her?"

"Yes. We had a huge fight during the summer when she told me she was trying to have a kid. I told her someone like her shouldn’t be allowed to have descendants. She was outraged. We never spoke during what was left of holidays. During the last week, as I was packing she told me she was pregnant. And I left."

"And you ignored her."

"She ignored me too. This is the first time she calls."

"What did she want to tell you? Did she try to apologise?"

Jeongguk lowered his gaze and shook his head. His fingers gripped Taehyung's shirt. "She told me it was a girl. And that... that my stepfather misses me. That's it. Then she hung up before I could answer. And I started crying. And I came here."

"Oh, fuck. That's... that's messed up. I don't know what I can say."

"There's nothing to say."

Taehyung didn't say anything. He wrapped his arms around him tightly again and leaned against the armrest, so Jeongguk was practically nestled against his chest. He didn't mind. They stayed in silence, Jeongguk's hands playing with the texture of Taehyung's shirt, Taehyung playing with the strands of Jeongguk's hair. His face started to feel very heavy and tired. Taehyung's heartbeat was comforting, his hands were shooting, and his body felt warm.

He gave up on trying to stay awake, closing his eyes finally, when Taehyung's low voice resonated in his chest. "Kookie?" He offered a soft hum as an answer. "Do you feel like that when you are with me?"

"What do you mean?"

"You said you feel... Unreal. That you feel nothing. Do you feel like that when we are together? Because... sometimes you laugh, and you seem... happy. But that may be in my imagination, because I want you to be so badly."

Jeongguk raised his head, looking at him. He took a moment to drink in the sight. Taehyung looked so tired but so comfortable, hair messed up and t-shirt old. In his mind, Jeongguk could almost make up a world where he would get to wake up to this every morning, to warm hands on his waist and sleepy eyes, and a raspy voice that would mutter his nickname like it was gold, when truly gold was everything Taehyung was, shining and pure and beautiful.

"No. When I'm with you I feel things. It's very scary, because I never... I never had a friend before. But it feels amazing to try it for the first time. With you."

Taehyung examined his face for a few seconds, and he knew he was looking for a lie told out of pity. But Jeongguk never felt more honest, and Taehyung must have thought so too, because his face parted in a huge grin, and his hands came to squeeze his face. Jeongguk couldn't contain a giggle, raising his hands to try to escape Taehyung's grip. They wrestled for a bit, until Taehyung leaned forward to plant a kiss on his cheek. Jeongguk made a grossed out face, but found his arms instinctively around Taehyung an pulled him closer. Their foreheads knocked together painfully, and Taehyung wouldn't stop laughing.

Maybe it was the dizzying pain.

Maybe it was the sleepiness.

Maybe it was the way Taehyung's hands felt on his face.

Maybe it was the way Taehyung's warmth was radiating all over him

Maybe it was the way Taehyung's laugh vibrated in his ears.

Maybe it was the way Taehyung made him feel.

But Jeongguk leaned forward and pressed his lips to Taehyung's, closing his eyes, not thinking, not feeling, not realising what he had done until he noticed how silent everything was.

Not only the laugh had been stopped, not only the ruffle of clothes against clothes, not only the sound of the creaking sofa.

No one was breathing. No one was moving. The silence became overbearing, and he consumed it before he could feel it exploding inside himself, and suddenly the warm fuzzy feeling was gone, everything he felt was panic and a very specific pain on his forehead because of the hit. Taehyung was no longer the sun, he was a tsunami, and he was greedy, absorbing the life, the giddiness, the courage he had built inside himself like a black hole. With his cold lips immobile against his, Jeongguk was emptied, until there was no Monster, no Numbness, just sadness and regret.

Slowly, very slowly, he let go of Taehyung's neck and leaned back, eyes widening in horror and realisation of what he just did. In Taehyung's face there was no horror, no confusion, no realisation. Jeongguk felt bad for comparing him to a tsunami. Taehyung would never hurt him, would never take away something from him, he would never absorb him. He hurt himself on his own. He took everything from himself the moment he decided to grow a monster inside and he was not careful enough to keep it shut.

Now he looked at him with pure, simple innocence. He looked like a scarred child, and his lips were dirty because he touched Jeongguk. Jeongguk who was numb and terrible and abandoned, Jeongguk who could never take back what he did.

So he got up, knees shaking. And he muttered I'm sorry. And he left, as the Monster howled in pain while the Numbness took over him again in silent but decisive motions.

Taehyung screamed his name.

He did not listen.

--

He was miserable. He was completely and absolutely helpless. He missed two days of class, and then the weekend came, and he didn't have class on Monday, so he stayed in his dorm for four and a half days, moping. He vaguely remembered going to the bathroom, drinking water at some point. Maybe he ate, but that was questionable. His brain shifted in and out from some semi-conscious state and a fragile, unnerving sleep.

He tried to repress the memory, but it was impossible, and it made him hate himself so much.

Because he could recall how Taehyung's hands felt on his cheeks, and the confusion and dizziness of the whole scene.

And specially, how it felt. Because now he knew what his dreams tasted like. And it made him feel gross, thinking about how much he enjoyed it, how everything would be perfect if it wasn't because of, well, what he did.

He kissed his best friend. Without permission. Taking advantage of the pity treatment he was receiving. And it was cold, it was disgusting and low, but he loved it, and he wanted to do it again.

His insides were battling, the Numbness going crazy, the Monster screaming in pain, and all he could do was whisper I'm so sorry, because he was.

He eventually moved, because he was not miserable enough to be unaware that if he skipped work he would probably be even more miserable.

Thankfully, his work consisted on restocking shelves. People asked him for help sometimes, to reach something from the pot shelf or to find a product that was nowhere to be seen, but at least he was not in the register.

He did have company, though. His workmate was the one in charge of the register, but to be honest Jeongguk only new his name because of his name tag (Yoongi). He didn't seem too bothered by it, since he was not very interested in conversing either.

He could deal with that, he decided. A fellow introvert, who had as much interest into talking to old chatty ladies and nervous teenagers trying to buy alcohol as he did.

They always worked in silence, each attending his businesses, only saying hello and goodbye, avoiding further communication if possible.

It was comfortable. It was easy. It was nice. Jeongguk liked Yoongi.

He wondered if he could do what he did with Taehyung again. Talk to someone and get to know them, become completely invested in their lives. Yoongi seemed like a good person to get involved with.

But it didn't work like that.

The only reason Jeongguk ever got to know Taehyung was because he was way to beautiful and bright, and as susnhine must do he fed life into every living creature, including Jeongguk.

No one else would do something like that for him.

(His own mother couldn't do that for him. Why should someone else?)

The shop was empty at this time of the evening, so Jeongguk was carefully placing the soap bottles on their places. He could hear Yoongi's tapping against the metal of the scanner, probably bored out of his mind.

That would explain why when he heard a soft "Jeongguk?" he jumped, startled, and almost knocked over all the bottles. Almost. Only about five fell from his arms.

He turned around, eyes wide, to find Yoongi's eyes on him.

"Y... yes?"

"Are you okay?"

Jeongguk frowned, as he knelt to pick up the soap. "Of course. Why do you ask?"

"Usually you look sad. You know, like you are about to cry. But right now you look like you've actually been crying. It's unusual."

Jeongguk wanted to scoff and tell him it was okay. This was ridiculous. It's not as if they were friends.

I'm scared that you will feel lonely.

"Have you... have you ever been in love?" His voice was low, almost inaudible, but he knew Yoongi heard him.

"Twice. First time was a total pain in the ass. The second not so much."

"Why not?"

"Because now I have a boyfriend," he leaned on the counter, chin resting on the palm of his hand. "Why? Are you in love?"

"I hadn't called it that until now. But yes. I think I am,” admiting it was not as hard as he thought it would. It still hurt like hell.

"And is it a boyfriend problem or a pain in the ass?"

"Pain. A lot of pain."

"I'm sorry kid. But I can say from experience, it gets better."

"... Does it?"

"Sure thing. So hang in there, okay?"

"Okay. Thanks, Yoongi-ssi."

"You can call me hyung if you want to.”

Jeongguk glanced at him. Yoongi didn't seem very excited about the conversation. But he also didn't seem bothered by it. It was nice, talking with someone and not feeling like he was a complete nuisance, but also like there wasn't a heart to heart. Just talking. The in between he never knew he needed.

"Thanks, Yoongi-hyung."

Yoongi gave him a half smile. No one said anything for the rest of the shift.

Eventually closing time came, and as Yoongi said his farewell and got ready to leave he started closing the door. Jeongguk was still being boycotted by his own thoughts and feelings, his chest was still tight around his heart, the Monster still sobbing somewhere inside him, the Numbness moaning in despair. But, somehow, Yoongi's talk gave him a new perspective of how he would get over it. And now he felt like, somehow, someday, he would be fine.

"Oh, hi Tae. What are you doing here?"

At the sound of Yoongi's voice, Jeongguk turned around to find, obviously, no one else but the real Kim Taehyung, that was watching him carefully. His whole body tensed up, and he avoided his eyes. Suddenly the floor seemed very interesting.

"I actually came to talk to Jeongguk," he whispered, and he knew he was being observed, but his hands were starting to shake, so he stuck them in his pockets and tried to make himself small. He thought about running away, but his knees felt weak, and he could feel panic taking over him.

Yoongi looked at him, then back to Taehyung. His face slowly went from confusion to realisation, and he slowly stepped away. "Oh. Sure. Well, I'm gonna leave you two to it, then. Bye. See you later, Taehyung. Bye Jeongguk."

Both of them mumbled a "bye hyung", Taehyung still staring at Jeongguk and Jegongguk still staring at the floor. The quietness was making him lose his mind and he was ready to apologise, to cry, to beg for forgiveness, to ask Taehyung to please pretend nothing happened.

"I'm very fucking mad at you, you know?" Taehyung beat him to it. His words were bitter and angry, but his voice sounded lifeless and tense. He didn't look at him, nodding as an answer. "But I'm still here. Because I prefer to fix things. Or at least try to. I like closure. So please, I know you want to go home and never talk to me again, but deal with me for a little longer if you don't mind."

Only then did he look at Taehyung, worrying his lip in between his teeth, he was not ready for what he saw.

Kim Taehyung was known for being an expressive person. He had seen Taehyung happy (laughing until he couldn't breath, eyes almost closed , boxy grin on display), confused (he could not stress it enough, he was the cutest when he looked like a curious puppy, eyes wide, mouth hanging open), even a little sad (eyes filled with pity as he whispered "No kid can raise himself. No kid is smart enough to do that, not even you").

But now he didn't look happy, confused or sad. Jeongguk had expected him to look furious, but he didn't. He just looked worn out. Tired. Defeated.

And even through that, he still thought he was the prettiest human being on earth (and he hated himself for it).

His lilac hair was a mess, and not a mess as in "I've been laughing for a while and my hair got messed up because I fell on the floor", or "I've been studying for an hour and I keep running my hands through my hair". It was messy as in "I've been awake rolling in bed for twelve hours and I feel like dying". He had a serious case of eye bags, and his shoulders hanged low, in exhaustion. His ever curved lips now were pressed in a scowl, and his eyebrows were knitted together. His usual glow was now dim and empty.

And it was his fault.

So he swallowed his uncertainty and nodded, turning his eyes back to the ground.

"Yes, hyung," he whispered, obediently. Taehyung seemed surprised, but just cleared his throat and nodded back.

"I... you... you kissed me."

Jeongguk stiffened, but let out a quiet 'yes'.

"And then... you just. You just left."

"I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. I'm sorry I did that. I... It was a terrible thing to do, and I understand that you are mad at me, but..."

"Yes, I'm fucking mad, Jeongguk!" The sudden shout made him flinch, crossing his arms on his chest to hug himself, as Taehyung tapped his foot on the floor restlessly. "You didn't even think about what I would feel, what I would want!"

"I know. I'm so sorry. I have no excuse," his eyes were filling with tears, but he had no right to cry, not in front of Taehyung, who was angry and had all his right to be. "I don't know why I did it. I... I knew you didn't want me to, but you were just... I... I don't know. You were so close. And it felt right. I know it wasn't but I got carried away and I feel terrible for it, and-"

"Wait, what?"

Jeongguk looked up, blinking rapidly to contain the tears. "What?"

"You think I'm mad because you kissed me?" Taehyung frowned in disbelief. "That's... Oh my god. That's why you ran away," his whole face softened, tension disappearing from his shoulders, and Jeongguk was lost.

"I'm lost," he voiced. Taehyung let out a small chuckle. Then a giggle. Before Jeongguk could even ask a question he was covering his face with both of his hands and laughing hysterically. Jeongguk was increasingly worried and confused. "I'm lost," he repeated.

"You think I'm angry because you kissed me?"

"I... aren't you?" His heart skipped a beat, as he licked his lips nervously.

"Jesus, Kookie, I know you are socially challenged but you are not an idiot. I... I was practically begging you to!" Jeongguk blinked once. Twice. He was lost. "Our faces were practically touching. We cuddled on my couch. I kept holding your hand when we walked down the street. You surely know those aren't things friends do."

"I never thought it was a friend thing. I thought it was a you thing. You said... you said you were clingy!"

"I'm clingy! But I was also flirting!" He rubbed his cheeks, trying to even his breath and calm down.

"Then why are you mad?!"

"Because you kissed me and then you ran away! You just. Left," gone was the laughter, replaced by some kind of disappointment, a bitter sweet . I had been waiting for you to give me a sign, I was set in making the first step because I knew, well, thought you wouldn't. And then you did. And you left," Taehyung stuffed his hands in his pockets, kicking the ground uncomfortably. "I assumed you didn't like it. That you thought you would but actually didn't. And I'm angry mostly because I taught you to talk things out, to tell me how you feel, to be honest. But you were a coward."

Jeongguk didn't answer, not admitting it or denying it. To be honest was still trying to process what he just heard. Taehyung wanted him to kiss him, he was mad because he didn't communicate, he wanted him to kiss him, and he was worried he didn't like him, and he wanted him to kiss him. His head felt dizzy.

Although that may have been the lack of sleep. Or food. or both. He rested his back against the wall, hand going to his forehead as he tried to balance himself. "I was a dick."

"I wouldn't go that far. It was a misunderstanding. But... but then you..." Whatever he was going to say was stopped, as he looked at him with a frown. "Are you okay?"

"I... I'm not. I'm really not," he closed his eyes, slipping slowly against the wall until he hit the ground, hiding his face in between his knees. "I though you hated me. I thought you were disgusted. I thought... I would never talk to you again."

"I would never do that," his voice sounded surprisingly close, and he looked up to find his friend (yes, still his friend) crouched in front of him, gentle smile on his lips. "Even if I didn't like you, I wouldn’t get angry at you for something like that," he placed a hand on his knee, and when he started rubbing circles on his kneecap he could feel goosebumps all over his body, able to feel his warmth through the fabric of his jeans. Gone most of the tension, Taehyung looked sunny and pretty again.

"So, you do?" His lower lip was trembling. He didn't want to cry now, but he knew he had no control over it.

"I do what?"

"Like me?"

Taehyung looked down at his hand, his thumb stopping its motion. "Honestly, I'm surprised you have to ask. I thought I was being so obvious."

"Maybe you were. I'm just and idiot. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise. Not for that," their eyes locked again, and Jeongguk finally allowed the tears slip out of his. "You are not an idiot. I'm upset because of how you handled your feelings, not for their nature or how you acted on them. Okay?" He nodded.

Then hesitated a second, biting his lip, as he tried to read Taehyung's face. He looked peaceful, soft, warm. He looked like himself. He looked like everything Jeongguk loved about him.

Finally, he raised his hands, placed them on his shoulders and pulled him close, burring his face on his neck as he wrapped both of his arms around him. Taehyung stumbled a little, falling in between his knees, but hugged him back, laughing  softly.

"If someone walked by now this would be very awkward," he whispered. Jeongguk muffled a sob. "Hey, are you crying? Why are you crying? Everything's fine!"

"I'm so sorry. I didn't want to make you upset. You probably had a terrible weekend, you look like you have been beaten up."

"Well, thanks. You don't look perfect yourself," Taehyung pulled an annoyed voice, but he could hear the smile in it.

"That's not what I meant."

"Me neither. You always look perfect."

Jeongguk pulled away, to look at him, and their faces were so close their noses were brushing. The position was uncomfortable, the place was totally inappropriate, he probably looked like shit with his wet puffy face. But it felt right. This time it was right. So he leaned closer, closing his eyes, looking for Taehyung's lips.

Taehyung pulled back with a chuckle. "Not so fast. I'm still mad at you," Jeongguk blinked in confusion. "If you think I'm not gonna make you work for it you are being delusional, Kookie," he said as he went back to crouching and eventually got up.

"What does that even mean?" He groaned, frowning. He was not actually bothered by it (except Taehyung was licking his lips and his grin was very smug and he really wanted to kiss him), he was just craving to get back everything he thought he would never get (more like desperate, frantic).

"It means that by now you are gonna have to settle with apologising and buying me ice cream until I deem you worthy of my kiss," Jeongguk pouted, but he guessed it was fair. "You can start right now actually. Let's go get ice cream," he offered him his hand, and with his help, Jeongguk finally got up. Even when he was already standing, neither of them let go.

"I don't have any cash on me, though."

Taehyung clicked his tongue. "Then I guess you won't get to kiss me."

"Hyung!"

"Instead I get to kiss you."

He didn't complain.

--

Both of them went back to class. Back to work. Back to projects that took way to long, study nights and eternal photo shoots.

(Back to hand holding, couch cuddling, book throwing.)

It felt right, healthy.

(It felt like summer, every time his skin touched Taehyung's; he could feel his arms tanning when they brushed against his, and he had to squint to see his face properly when he was laughing, for his face was so blinding. He would have to consider buying sunglasses.)

They still hadn't kissed (again), and sometimes Jeongguk thought that maybe Taehyung didn't actually like him, maybe he didn't want to kiss him.

He tried not to think about that, and instead raised his ad and looked at him, sitting in the other end of the bed, trying not to doze off as he highlighted his book.

(And he could feel the Numbness melting (slowly) and the Monster was not a Monster any more, it was a Garden growing out inside him and what once was a beast running wild inside him were now small plants that would grow to be trees and birds chirping. And when Taehyung hugged him or rubbed his hands on his shoulders or pinched his cheek he didn't feel a howling animal prickling at his skin, but vines growing and trying to reach the surface, absorb the light, kiss the sun.)

--

Taehyung came to pick him up completely out of a blue on a Friday night about two weeks after the Big Drama Day as he called it ("That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard." "Why? It sounds good, B.D.D!"). When Jeongguk opened the door he was already going to sleep, but after a lot of convincing (Taehyung just had to say please cutely enough twice) he agreed to get dressed again and followed him.

Taehyung told him to grab a jacket and took him by the wrists to guide him outside the building, where he let him go to open him a car door.

"Hyung, you don't have a car."

"I know. This is Seokjin-hyung's car. Now go inside."

Jeongguk obeyed. During the ride to an unknown destination he tried to talk, but he was shushed every time until Taehyung got tired of him and turned the radio on and sang as loud as he could (he had a beautiful singing voice when eh wasn't screaming "Eyes Nose Lips" to the top of his lungs). Eventually he gave up and leaned his forehead against the window.

He was about to fall asleep when Taehyung shoved his shoulder softly. "Hey, we are here."

He got out of the window to find himself in front of a huge corporate building. He frowned, looking back at Taehyung. He only smiled and laced their fingers together. "This way."

It was almost midnight, no way it was going be open, except it was and Taehyung greeted the security guard before leading them to the lift. As in the car, every time he tried to open his mouth Taehyung hushed him, placing a finger on his lips.

When they finally stopped and the elevator's doors opened he found himself on the top of the building. He gave Taehyung a puzzled face, but he only took him to the center of the rooftop with a soft smile.

"Hey," he finally whispered. "Look up."

Jeongguk did. Then he widened his eyes, mouth gaping in awe. He heard Taehyung giggling besides him, and he turned to look at him again. "So many stars," he was able to mutter dumbly.

"Because of the photopollution of the city we can't see the stars from the ground. But from here we are able to see most of them."

"Photopollution?"

"Light contamination. The lights from the city make it impossible to see the night sky. I didn't know what it meant either, Namjoon-hyung told me. It's not perfect, but it's better than, well, anything else."

"It is perfect. I don't think I ever stargazed. Not properly."

"Never? Not even when you were a kid?"

"I don't think I ever was a kid either, Tae."

"Oh, right."

They stood in silence for a few minutes, heads thrown back to stare at the shiny dots in the firmament, until Taehyung actually laid on his back on the ground, and Jeongguk imitated him.

"Seokjin's father owns this building, and he was willing to let me take you out here."

"Is this what this is? You taking me out?"

"Well obviously."

"No, I mean as in... Is this a date?"

"Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I guess it is."

Jeongguk side eyed him. "I thought I was the one who had to work for it."

"Nah, dude, that was an excuse, I had been working on this idea for weeks. I really wanted to do this for you, for a long time, I didn't want it to go to waste."

"For weeks?" He could hear a little tremble on his voice. Taehyung looked at him.

"I think this was in my mind since the day I met you. I just had to perfect it."

"The day you met me?"

"Yeah. I don't know if you can recall it, but I came to talk to you when you were sitting alone in class because some kids were trash-talking about you."

"And you wanted to prove them wrong. Of course I remember it. You 'didn't want to be friends with mean people'."

"Kind of. That's what I told you."

"What do you mean?"

Taehyung shifted uncomfortably and rolled on his side, turning all his body towards him, head resting on his arm. He could barely make out his face in the dark, but he could see he had a very serious expression.

"When I came in the classroom you were the first thing I saw. I've always been a hopeless romantic, but when I saw you? God, this is so cheesy, but it was some legit anime shit. Suddenly everything movies, books, or dramas had taught me made sense. The whole time slowing down, epic music playing on the background, cherry blossoms floating in the air around you. Air caught in my lungs. Frozen in place. I'm... a very social person. I never had trouble talking to people, but I was suddenly so nervous. So instead I started talking to a group of students and asked them about you. But they were very mean about it, thinking I asked because I was weirded out because of you. I stopped being nervous and I just felt very defensive, so I faked courage and came to talk to you."

Jeongguk laid speechless on the ground for what felt like hours. It probably was just a few minutes, but no matter how still he was the Garden inside him was exploding with life and renaissance and love. Roses were blossoming in his throat, thorns perforating his skin, and the blood was warm and his racing heartbeat was bleeding him out faster than he should. His chest was split open and lavender was growing out of his lungs, fed by the oxygen he couldn't breath any more, stems straight and reaching out to the infinite sky, to the tiny beautiful specks of light in the distance, and it felt as he was seeing them for the first time. And his stomach, his stomach was the source of violets, tulips, insignificant moss and magnificent trees, small forget-me-nots (he wouldn't forget, he couldn't forget) and beautiful carnations. His lips were stained with the rain that wasn't falling and his eyes were clouded by the fog that was not there. 

"Jeongguk?"

"Yeah?"

"You can kiss me now if you want to."

Jeongguk wanted to.

He turned on his side to and awkwardly inched closer, until he could touch Taehyung's cheek with his hand as the other served as a pillow. He rubbed their noses together, and Taehyung giggled like a kid. He smiled, as he felt a hand rest on his waist.

"Thank you."

"Why?"

"For coming to talk to me that day. For helping me. For taking me here."

"It's nothing."

"It's everything."

He closed his eyes and he kissed him (finally, finally), lips touching lips, and Taehyung was trying not to smile in the kiss but he was also kissing back. It was not cold, it didn't feel like a hurricane, it feel like a sunburn, it felt like heat pooling on his belly, like being loved.

It felt okay. It was right.

He was fine, finally.

When hour later they were still there, Taehyung holding Jeongguk against his chest, playing with his hair, leaving occasional kisses on his forehead, as he was falling asleep he heard his deep voice resonating under his ear.

"It's like you are all the shiny stars in the night sky. I can only see you shine, and I know part of you will always be far away from me. But it's okay, because just looking at you is calming, I don't need to unravel your mystery to know I love it. You are each and every one of the stupid stars in the sky."

He was.

--

It was not always fine.

Lies. It was fine.

He wasn't (sometimes, most of the time he was).

He still cried himself to sleep, and some days he sat on Taehyung's couch in silence, playing with his hands, numb. Taehyung made him hot tea and threw a blanket offer his shoulders and curled on his lap if he knew Jeongguk was not falling asleep (because if he was then he would wake up cramped and crying and it would be a mess).

One day he happened to feel terrible when they were supposed to go on a date. Jeongguk didn't want to cancel it. Instead of taking him home, Taehyung took him to a coffee shop and they sat next to each other. Jeongguk looked out of the window in silence while Taehyung played with his fingers and hummed softly.

("This is our song, you know? Well, more like my song for you, but it's ours," he looked at him, as he took a sip from his drink. Kim Taehyung was beautiful. "You don't know what song it is, but it's okay. I'll sing it to you until you do."

Jeongguk squeezed his hand and rested his forehead on the table. "Can you, please? Sing to me, I mean."

Taehyung raised a hand and started running his fingers through his hair.

"Please stay by my side,
please stay with me.
Please don't let me go of me,
who is holding your hand
If you go one step further away like this
I can just take one more towards you,
don't I?"

"I'm not okay."

"I know, baby," baby. So sweet on his lips, he could almost kiss him and feel the taste of absolute cheesiness (if only he was in the mood).

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay to not be okay."

"Sing me some more, please?"

"I'll do anything for you."

"I love you,
I love you,
from the long silence,
a sound comes, screaming
by my foolish and weak heart.")

The Numbness was long and heavy on his chest, but it grew alongside the Garden and it was not so bad when he looked at Taehyung's eyes and felt sunshine. The plants inside him reached out to bathe in it. The Numbness recoiled and curled in his chest. It would come back, but it was supposed to, and it was okay if it did.

--

He met Hoseok by accident. Hanging at Taehyung's place, he fell asleep with his head on his lap, and he ran his left hand through his hair as he tried to edit a picture with his right one (unsuccessfully).

Then someone knocked on the door, and Hoseok came in.

"Hey, Tae, have you seen my... oh. Hey, hi."

Jeongguk's palms were already getting sweaty.

"Hi."

"If you are not Jeongguk I'm going to kick Taehyung's ass."

"I'm Jeongguk."

"Oh, great! Heard a lot about you. I would hug you, but you seem to have a handful already. Or should I say a lapful?" Jeongguk snickered. Hoseok smiled. "Well, I'll come back later."

And that was it.

--

Meeting Jin and Namjoon was much more complicated, but not worse.

They went on a double date, sat in a fairly cheap traditional restaurant. Taehyung and Jin talked most of the time, excitedly telling anecdotes (to be honest, Taehyung talked most of the time, Jin just made excited noises with his full mouth). Namjoon was kind and chill, and asked him questions about photography. Jin asked him questions about Taehyung. It was lovely, talking about his favourite subjects.

(No one asked about his family. He thanked Taehyung when they got home.)

--

Yoongi and Jeongguk became friends without Taehyung's help.

It not was some kind of deep, emotional friendship. Yoongi was a safe space. They still worked mostly in silence. But they also met up after hours.

One time Yoongi asked him what he would get for someone on their birthday. Jeongguk didn't know, he never gifted anything to anyone. They went together to buy a gift for his Jimin, who was, curiously enough, Taehyung's Jimin too ("That's why you knew each other!"). They talked about boyfriends and how it felt to share your life with an over excited puppy when you are an introvert.

Next time Yoongi asked him to listen to something. He showed him one of his songs and told him he was working on a mixtape. It was good, so he told him. Yoongi smiled and thanked him. They talked about dreams over coffee, and then Jeongguk asked him if he could take pictures of him sometime.

Next time, they hanged with both of their boyfriends, and Hoseok, and Jin and Namjoon. Jeongguk was quiet for most of the afternoon, but they made sure to listen no matter how little he said. Taehyung told him he was proud, and gingers and orchids grew inside his arms, enough to make him strong (he lifted Taehyung in the air and kissed his cheek, while he squealed happily).

--

Taehyung was next to him on his hardest quest of redemption.

Her name was Hye, and she had tiny hands that she used to grab his fingers. She fell asleep as he was rocking her and she had pretty eyelashes and cute heart lips. When his mum came into the baby room and tried to take her, arms open in front of him waiting for her daughter, he hesitated, looking at her soft pink skin and her pretty blue shirt (her mum didn't believe in gendered colours, she was "a strong independent woman"). His mum looked hurt and her fingers curled in the air. Jeongguk sighed and left the baby in the crib himself, before turning to her and fitting himself in between her arms.

He too deserved care. He too deserved to be held. He too was his baby. He was asking her to please, mum, notice him.

She knew. She understood. She kissed him on the temple and promised to make him cookies. Taehyung offered to help, Jeongguk refused ("You want to risk a kitchen fire? What about the Hye, Tae?!").

One day she would call him oppa, and hold his hand, and be annoyed when he ruffled her hair.

--

Taehyung held him that night. And the one after that. And the one after that. And the rest of the nights of his life.

The Garden grew, and so did his heart, big enough to fit a whole family inside it.

And that 's what he did, he saved every member of his "family" inside his heart. He took pictures of them and hanged them on walls and exposed them on galleries, and made albums to keep on their flat's shelves. He gave them gifts for their birthdays (and sometimes when it wasn't their birthday). He kissed them on the cheeks and hugged them, and laughed to their jokes.

Taehyung whispered to him every day, sometimes reminders and sometimes poems, and sometimes nothing, but he heard that too.

The sun shined everyday in Jeongguk's Garden, and he told him that, he told him he had a Garden in his chest and that it grew bigger and bigger everyday. The sun smiled and told him he loved him too.

The boy who shined far away like the stars came home, for the sun was, too, a star, and they were supposed to share the universe.