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It was summer break between Nick’s second and third years of uni. He and Charlie had spent the entire day together, much as they had done every day of break so far and planned to do until they went their separate ways in the fall. Long distance was hard, and the few times they were able to see each other during the school year were not enough to quench their need to be together. Nick longed for the day they were both finally done with school and could properly start a life together, with their own place, so they’d never have to be apart again. But that was still a few years away, so they had to make the most of the summer months until then.
His phone buzzed on his nightstand with a text from Charlie telling him he’d made it home. And that he missed him. And loved him. The feeling was mutual, and Nick texted him so. If it were up to them, they would sleep at one of their houses every night, but Charlie’s parents were tough negotiators and insisted the boys have at least three nights per week apart. Something about codependency and it being unhealthy to spend every minute of every day together… Unfortunately, tonight was one of their nights spent apart, meaning Nick wouldn’t sleep as well. For some reason, he always slept better with Charlie in his bed.
Nick grabbed their empty mugs from the cups of tea they’d had earlier and headed down to the kitchen. As he was placing the mugs in the sink, his mother padded in, wrapped in her dressing gown.
“Nicky?”
Nick turned. “Yeah?”
She gestured to the kitchen table. “Can you have a seat, darling? There’s something I want to talk to you about.”
Nick frowned as he made his way to the table and took a seat. His mother sounded so serious; what did she want to talk to him about? His heart started pounding as his mind raced through dozens of scenarios. She was sick and dying. One of the dogs was sick and dying. Someone in the family was sick and dying. Or had already died. She was secretly seeing someone, and they needed Nick to be a witness at their courthouse wedding. She’d lost her job. She’d been scammed out of a large sum of money, and now they were bankrupt and would have to sell the house. She’d just seen on the news that a meteor was heading for Earth and would destroy all of humanity two weeks from now. She was going through a mid-life crisis and wanted them to get matching mother and son tattoos. She…
Sarah sat across the table from him, folding her hands and laying them atop the wooden surface. “You’re planning on having a withdrawal heat soon, right?”
Nick blinked at her. Of all the things he thought she might want to talk about, that was not one of them. “Um…yeah. It’s summer holiday, so…” A stipulation of Nick’s long-term use of heat suppressants was that he go off his meds at least once a year in order to induce a heat. There were apparently too many health risks of suppressing heats indefinitely. If it were up to Nick, he’d never go through another heat again, but doctor’s orders and all that. At least now that he had Charlie to help him through his heats, they were marginally easier to cope with. He tended to plan his heat during the summer so as not to interfere with school or rugby and to ensure both he and Charlie were free to spend it together.
“And I assume Charlie will be spending it with you?” Sarah continued.
“Yes?” It came out as a question, because Nick still didn’t know where she was going with this. It was weird for his mum to bring up his heat out of the blue like this. She’d finally gotten the hint after years of trying to get him to talk openly about his heats with her that it just wasn’t happening, so she didn’t tend to speak of them anymore.
Sarah took a deep breath. “Then I think we need to talk about getting you on birth control,” she said, fixing him with a firm stare.
Nick felt bile shoot up the back of his throat. He swallowed it down hard, shaking his head. “No, I don’t need that…”
“Nicky, you’re old enough now that you’re in your fertile period. I trust you boys and am sure you’re being safe, but condoms can fail, and sometimes, in the heat of the moment, they can be forgotten altogether. I don’t want you to have to deal with an unexpected and unwanted pregnancy, especially in the middle of your uni years. You have enough to worry about with your studies and rugby and uni societies and maintaining your long-distance relationship with Charlie…”
“I don’t need birth control,” Nick said, voice shaking. Oh God, he was going to have to tell his mum about how he really spent his heats, wasn’t he? He’d wanted to tell her so many times over the years, but he’d never felt brave enough. And to explain his heats, he’d also have to explain the other part of his identity. She’d been so accepting and lovely when he’d come out as bi all those years ago, but this was…different. He didn’t know how she would react, but now he was cornered and had no other choice but to tell her.
“Nick, I really think you should consider it. You and Charlie have your whole lives ahead of you, and I would hate to see that derailed because of…”
“Mum, please stop talking.” Nick squeezed his eyes shut, trying to calm the hammering of his heart. He had to tell her. He needed to just put it all out there. When he opened his eyes again, his mum was staring at him with a concerned expression. “Mum, I… I need to tell you something.” He wrung his shaking hands together, feeling the panic rising in his chest.
“Nicky, baby, what is it?” She reached out and took one of his hands in hers.
“I…I’m…” Why was it so hard to say it? He felt tears forming in the corners of his eyes and blinked them back furiously.
Sarah gasped. “Oh my God. Are you already pregnant?”
Nick startled. “What? No. No!”
Sarah let out a nervous laugh. “Oh, thank goodness. You just looked so worried, I thought… Well, never mind. I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions. What is it then?”
Nick stared at their joined hands resting against the table. “So…uh… Mum, my heats aren’t…um…traditional. I don’t…want sex…during them. In fact, I don’t want sex at all, ever. I’m not sexually attracted to anyone. I’m…um…asexual.” He glanced back up at her, seeing the unconditional love in her warm eyes. “If you’ve heard of that.”
Sarah gave a small shake of her head. “I’m afraid I haven’t.”
Nick expected that, but there was still a part of him that hoped his mum might know more about queer identities than he thought, and he wouldn’t have to explain himself. “It’s a real sexuality,” he said, hating that his words sounded slightly defensive. “And I’m still bi, I still love Charlie, but um…I just…don’t want him…sexually.” His face flushed. It shouldn’t be this embarrassing to tell his mother about his non-existent sex life, especially when she had gone out of her way to be overly sex positive and create a safe space for him to talk about his heats with her, even though he never had.
Sarah shook herself a little. “So…you and he aren’t… You haven’t…?”
“No.”
“Huh.” Sarah chuckled. “I guess that’s on me for assuming. But I know how close you and Charlie are, and since he’s spent several heats with you, I just sort of figured you’d been sexually active for years now. I didn’t realize that you…” She trailed off.
“It took me a while to figure it out,” Nick admitted. “I mean, I always knew my heats were different. Remember when I first presented and I had that visit with Dr. Taylor? I told him about my heat and how I…um…didn’t want sex during it. I was so worried that something was wrong with me, but then all my bloodwork came back normal and he didn’t follow up to find out if anything had changed with my heats, so I just figured it was me. My normal. But as I got older, and especially once Charlie and I got together, I realized that it wasn’t just during my heats that I wasn’t interested in sex. It was all the time. I could look at my incredibly hot boyfriend and not feel…that way…about him, to not want to do…those sorts of things with him. So I…uh…did some research, and that’s how I came across asexuality.”
“And Charlie is… Is he supportive? He’s not trying to pressure you to do anything?”
“Oh God, no!” Nick exclaimed. “Charlie is the most supportive, understanding person I’ve ever met. I honestly can’t imagine a better boyfriend than him. He was a bit surprised and confused initially, when he spent that first heat with me, and it was kind of a learning curve for both of us, but we’ve talked about it a lot, and he knows and respects my boundaries. I feel completely safe with him.”
Sarah smiled. “Good. If you don’t mind me asking, though, what exactly does he do to help you through your heats then?”
“Um…mostly we just cuddle. And his scent is really soothing to me. So…yeah. That’s really it.”
“And that helps? It’s enough for you?”
“Yeah. I know it sounds a bit strange, but it’s really the best thing to relieve my pain.” Nick felt like he needed to explain himself more, because he could sense his mum was still a bit confused. “I’m not the only one who has heats like this. It’s rare, but in my researching, I did come across several other ace omegas who have similar heats to mine. So it’s not like something is wrong with me.”
“Oh, baby, I don’t think anything is wrong with you!” Sarah got up to join him on the other side of the table, taking a seat next to him and pulling him into a hug. “It’s just so different from what I experienced that it’s taking me some time to wrap my head around it, that’s all.” She sat back and sighed. “I’m sorry if I made you feel like you couldn’t tell me all of that. I tried so hard to make you feel like you could share anything with me that I probably made you so uncomfortable. I gave you a heat starter kit and everything!” She chuckled. “You were so mortified, and I thought it was because you didn’t want to talk about sex toys with your mother. I had no idea it was because I was giving you something you didn’t want or need. I wish you had told me.”
“I wanted to,” Nick admitted. “I tried to tell you so many times, but I just got…scared, I guess. I didn’t know how you would take it. I was worried you would take me to a bunch of doctors to try to cure me, or that you would think I was lying, or… I don’t know. It sounds silly now that I say it out loud.”
Sarah’s eyes swam with tears. “Oh, baby…” she murmured, brushing his hair off his forehead. “I’m sorry you felt like that.”
They fell into a comfortable silence as Nick felt his pounding heartbeat settle slightly. He’d just come out to his mum. Again. And she’d been fine with it.
“Have you told anyone else, Nicky?” she asked. “About being asexual, I mean. I know you’ve kept your omega status pretty quiet, but you’re so open about your bisexuality. Do any of your other friends know about this?”
“Uh…no. Just Charlie, and now…you.” Nick couldn’t explain why he hadn’t told any of his other friends. He knew they would be supportive, but it also didn’t feel like a big enough deal, either. He felt like his asexuality wasn’t relevant enough to their lives to talk about, so he hadn’t really felt the need to come out to them. Not yet, anyway. Maybe someday.
“Oh, baby.” She pulled him into another hug. “Thank you for telling me. I feel so honored that you trusted me with this part of yourself.” She swiped at her eyes, trying to stem the flow of tears. “I’m so proud of you. I love you so much, Nicky.”
Nick felt his own tears start up, a few dripping onto the shoulder of his mum’s shirt. “I love you, too, Mum.”
Sarah released him, chuckling lightly. “You know, so many things are starting to make sense now that I know this about you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, for one thing… I always found it a bit strange that you never seem to have much in the way of laundry after your heats.”
“Oh my God, Mum, no.” Nick buried his head in his hands at the thought of his mother contemplating the quantity and state of his sheets post-heat.
“And there was of course the request you made of me to get you a body pillow and weighted blanket for your heats. I found that to be a bit peculiar and wasn’t quite sure what use those would be for you, but now I’m assuming that they were a stand in to having someone to cuddle with during your heats.”
“Um…yeah,” Nick said. “At first, I just used my regular pillows, but I thought having something bigger to cuddle with might help more, and it did. The weighted blanket was also a bit more comforting than just burying myself in a quilt. I don’t tend to nest during my heats, but sometimes it’s nice to at least be covered and sort of…cocooned…in a heavy blanket. But neither of those things are as effective as having Charlie with me.”
Sarah nodded. “That makes sense.” She was quiet a moment before she spoke again. “And now I am understanding that the few times you insisted on having Nellie with you, that was actually just for the comfort and cuddles she could provide. I trusted you when you assured me that nothing untoward was happening, but I couldn’t make sense of how having your dog with you would do anything to help your symptoms.”
Nick remembered that first awkward time when he’d asked his mum to allow Nellie to stay. As soon as she’d jumped onto him, weighing him down with her fluffy body, he knew she would be a bigger help than anything else he’d tried. “I should have just told you then, so you wouldn’t have worried that I was some kind of freak,” he said.
“You didn’t owe me an explanation, Nicky,” Sarah said gently. “And I hope you didn’t feel like you owed me one today, either. I would hate for you to have felt like you needed to come out before you were ready. I should have dropped the birth control discussion when you said no the first time. You’re old enough to make your own decisions, but you know I can’t help but mother you sometimes. You’ll always be my baby, and I’ll always want to do what I think is best for you, even if I’m completely off base. Which I clearly was in this case. I am very sorry about that, darling.”
“It’s okay,” Nick said, sniffing as he felt a fresh wave of tears attempting to spill forth. “I wouldn’t have told you if I didn’t feel ready. Honestly, I’ve been thinking about it a lot, recently. Telling you, that is. You’re one of the most important people in my life, and I’ve hated hiding part of myself from you.”
Sarah pulled him into another hug, and this time, Nick couldn’t stop the tears from falling. It was such a relief to finally have this off his chest, to stop pretending he was something he wasn’t, to keep such a major part of himself locked up and hidden from his own mother.
“Nicky, you never have to hide with me. I will always love you, no matter what. Please don’t feel like you can’t come to me about things like this.”
“I know, I won’t. I love you, Mum.”
“I love you, too, baby.”