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Dear Road Runner,
I hope this letter finds you well.
You and I both know that I will never deliver this, at least not on my own accord—for my trash can would somehow find a way to eject all of its contents across the canyon.
However, I must write down my thoughts or else I will surely go insane. Some may say that I have already crossed that line, because somebody so obsessed, so dedicated to the infinite chase as I am must be deranged. That is something that I can accept. Who am I if not determined?
(Please ignore the large ink splotch on the page. My pen exploded.) (ACME brand, of course.)
I must confess that I spend a large majority of my time daydreaming about what I would do if I were to finally catch you. To finally wrap my hands around your long, slender neck, and feel your flesh tremble beneath my fingertips. To sink my teeth into your perfect, lean body and feel your warm blood rush into my mouth. I would not feel satisfied until I have consumed you entirely and made use of your whole body, something so beautiful has to be honored and treated with care. I would make sure that your brilliant blue feathers are put to good use— maybe I would weave some into my fur, to show to everyone that I have accomplished the impossible. The stew I could make of you would be divine. I imagine that nothing could compare to the sweet, delectable taste of your organs.
But as I sit here, ruminating on this fantasy that has been circling my mind for nearly a century, I do not think I would enjoy consuming you as much as I would enjoy making you mine.
My dear Road Runner, nothing in this world compares to the thrill you give me. I realized that soon after I returned home from the trial. I long for you in a way that is almost humiliating. If I were to devour you, there would no longer be a you. My sweet, beautiful bird.
Yours,
Wile E. Coyote
Wile E stared at the page, fresh with the words he had fervently scrawled onto its surface, and hung his head with shame. How could he write something so… perverse?! There was absolutely no way that this letter could see the light of day. He had to dispose of it.
He stepped out of his cave with a huff, clutching the letter tightly with his hand, claws ever so slightly puncturing the corner of the paper. Wile E walked to the edge of the cliff that his cave was perched atop, crumpled up the letter into a ball, and chucked it down into the ravine below.
Of course, of course there had to be a gust of wind that picked up the discarded letter and carried it north— exactly where he didn't want it to go. Road Runner's place of residence was north, and given Wile E's luck (or lack of it), the wind would carry that perverse, sickening letter to his nest.
Wile E pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. He had to prepare for their chase tomorrow, anyway.
Humilated, Wile E trudged back into his cave and hoped that a hawk swooped down and picked up the letter before it arrived at Road Runner's doorstep.
———
"Beep Beep!" Road Runner's familiar sound echoed throughout the desert, from miles away, and all Wile E could do was stand in the middle of the road, waiting for the bird to arrive.
Which didn't take long, because in mere seconds, he was standing in front of him sporting his typical bright smile.
[ I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU ]
[ BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO ]
Road Runner pulled out a sign, and tilted his head expectantly at Wile E, anticipating his response.
[ I'LL TAKE IT ]
Wile E conjured a sign of his own, eyes narrowed in suspicion.
Before Wile E could even see he had pulled it out, Road Runner had placed an envelope in Wile E’s hands. Wile E examined it, it was an envelope, alright.
What was inside, Wile E had no idea. For all he knew, Road Runner could have placed a stick of lit dynamite inside the envelope and it would explode in Wile E's face. Or, it could be a giant boxing glove that sprung out of the envelope and punched him in the face. Despite his apprehension, Wile E opened it, mainly because he couldn't take any longer of Road Runner staring at him intensely, waiting.
Inside was a letter. It read:
WILE E. COYOTE,
I GOT YOUR LETTER
YOU HAVE SUCH A WAY WITH WORDS
TO BE HONEST, IT'S FLATTERING HOW MUCH YOU DREAM ABOUT ME!
I DREAM ABOUT YOU TOO.
FOR YEARS I HAVE WONDERED WHAT YOU WOULD DO IF YOU WERE FINALLY ABLE TO CATCH ME. I WON'T GO INTO TOO MUCH DETAIL THOUGH… I THINK YOU SAID ENOUGH FOR BOTH OF US ;)
WHILE YOU WERE AWAY AT YOUR TRIAL, I FELT TRUE SADNESS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN DECADES. I NEVER REALIZED HOW MUCH OF MYSELF DEPENDS ON YOUR EXISTENCE. WITHOUT YOU, I'M JUST A LONELY BIRD RUNNING THROUGH THE DESERT WITH NO PURPOSE.
WILE E., I BELIEVE YOU ARE MY PURPOSE. I NEVER WANT TO STOP THIS GAME OF OURS.
I'M YOURS,
RR
Wile E pocketed the letter, and simply gazed into his bird's eyes. Inside them were a patience that Wile E knew would never wear thin, he was able to infer as much from what Road Runner wrote in the letter.
[ YOU READ MY LETTER ]
Wile E signed.
[ OBVIOUSLY ]
Wile E rolled his eyes at Road Runner's response.
[ I WAS WORRIED YOU WOULD READ IT AND THINK I'M STRANGE ]
[ AND YOU'D NEVER WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN ]
[ I DON'T THINK MY HEART COULD TAKE IT ]
Road Runner shook his head, and beeped, only once.
[ I'M STRANGE TOO ]
[ NOBODY HAS TO UNDERSTAND US BUT US ]
Wile E stared at Road Runner's sign, and in an instant, he felt his feet moving on their own, towards the Road Runner. Road Runner did not move, he simply stood in place, watching Wile E expectantly with those large eyes of his.
Wile E wrapped his arms around Road Runner. Instead of digging his teeth into his warm flesh, Wile E nuzzled his head into the crook of Road Runner's neck, rubbing his head and snout around the area, inhaling the Road Runner's scent, desperately, hungrily. But it was not the same hunger he had felt for decades— it was a desperate feeling to keep Road Runner like this with him, forever.
As he tightly embraced the Road Runner, he could hear him beeping happily.
After a long while, Wile E finally let go of his bird, and took a step back. Road Runner blinked, and pulled out a sign.
[ YOU UP FOR A CHASE? ]
Wile E grinned.
[ ALWAYS. ]