Work Text:
"Are you involved with him?"
The question was still ringing in Olivia's head as she finished up her evening. She'd managed to ignore the confrontation as she wrapped up her work and headed to the bar to meet Tucker. Suppressed it as she was interrogated by 1PP. She nearly broke as she packed up her desk, but her resolve held so that she didn't break down in front of her squad.
She left it at the back of her mind as she took over from Lucy and got Noah settled into bed. But as she poured herself a glass of wine and settled onto her sofa, the weight of it slammed into her.
The betrayal in his voice.
The disgust on his face mixed with something she couldn't name.
The way he practically kicked her out of his office.
She knew that she screwed up by letting her feelings show so clearly in there, but it was impossible in the face of the accusations being levelled at Tucker. Yes they had a rocky history, but she'd come to care for him. And the fact that Barba couldn't trust her judgement, after so long working side by side, hurt more than she cared to admit.
"You and I are done talking."
That one sentence hit her like a sledgehammer. Having Rafael so coldly shut her out filled her with a sense of grief that she didn't know how to decipher.
A large part of her worried that he would hold onto the animosity. That the easy, playful friendship they'd developed over the years would retreat into measured professionalism.
Her phone buzzed on the coffee table where she'd set it and she picked it up absently.
1 new message
Tucker: Hey Liv. How did it go with 1PP?
She sighed, dropping the phone to bury her face in her palms before taking a steadying breath and scooping it back up.
Liv: I was transferred to Community Affairs, effective immediately.
Tucker: I'm sorry Olivia. Do you want me to come over?
Tucker: Or is that a bad idea?
Liv: I just want to be alone right now, and I think we both have bigger things to focus on than each other tonight.
It was a few minutes before she got a reply.
Tucker: I understand. Goodnight.
Liv: Goodnight Ed.
Liv tossed her phone to the other end of the couch, not interested in any more social interaction tonight. It's not as if she would have SVU calls to pick up right now. She finished off her glass of wine as she sat and stared at nothing in particular, trying and failing to move past the look of betrayal of Rafael's face just before she left the office.
"Are you involved with him?"
Five little words that tormented her on a loop. Five words that may have shattered their relationship irreparably.
She set her glass down with a sigh, making her way to the bedroom. She could continue to muddle through all of this in the morning.
~~~~~~~~
And just like that, it was over. The team had gotten justice for as many of the victims as they could, and Liv had her command back. But nothing felt right anymore. Nothing to do with the team, they'd welcomed her back with open arms and regularly scheduled chaos.
It was Barba.
On the surface, everything was fine. They worked together on cases and collaborated on strategies as they always had. He would smile at her after a guilty verdict landed or put a reassuring hand on her shoulder if they failed. But it lacked the warmth he once offered her.
If she joined the group for a drink, he would make his excuses and leave. If he needed a debrief in his office, he would ask for someone else. When he smiled at her now, it didn't reach his eyes.
At the same time, she could feel cracks growing in her relationship with Tucker. She didn't mean for it to happen, and she didn't want to blame him for how she was feeling, but she knew that she was pulling away. Dates got rescheduled or cancelled, and she became more reluctant to invite him over or meet up with him.
It had been three months since the accusations against Tucker and Liv was just wrapping up her day when her phone screen lit up.
1 new message
Tucker: Are you finishing up soon? I want to talk to you about something.
And there it was, the inevitable message. Liv wasn't stupid, she knew what that kind of text meant. He'd gotten tired of her dodging him and had decided to end it, and she honestly couldn't blame him. Who wanted to stay with someone who never wanted to be around them?
Sucking in a deep breath, she typed out a reply.
Liv: Yeah, just finishing one last report. Did you want to meet somewhere?
Tucker: The bar down the street from the precinct work for you?
Liv: Sure. See you soon.
Liv took another moment to brace herself, sighing and slumping back in her chair. The rest of the paperwork could wait until tomorrow. She didn't think she could focus on it anymore tonight anyway.
She said a quick goodbye to Amanda and Fin, being the only two left in the office, and made her way to the bar Tucker had suggested. They'd been here a couple of times, but they typically avoided having dates anywhere so close to their workplaces. The fact he'd suggested it confirmed that she was walking into a break-up.
Oh well, at least there would be wine.
~~~~~~~~
Liv lay in her bed staring at the ceiling. It had been so... simple.
"I want to be with someone who wants me, Liv. And I don't think that's you anymore."
What had surprised Liv most was the strange sense of relief that flowed through her as she walked out of the bar. It felt like she was floating as she made her way home, the loss of the failing relationship making her feel more like herself than she had in weeks, months even.
Maybe she could start to get everything back on track now.
Maybe.
~~~~~~~~
Riding up in the elevator of One Hogan Place by herself was suddenly a foreign feeling. She hadn't been to Rafael's office alone since before the Tucker incident. But it had been several months since her relationship with the IAB detective had ended and things were still fraught with Barba.
He'd definitely thawed a little, but the tension that still lingered was driving Olivia crazy. If he wanted to stay mad at her, that was fine, but if there was any chance of them clearing the air and getting back to their easy dynamic, she wanted to try.
She walked up to his office, seeing Carmen sat at her desk as she always was. She looked surprised to see Olivia there but relaxed into a neutral expression so quickly that the detective almost wondered if she imagined the look.
"Olivia, did you have something scheduled with Mr. Barba?" she asked, flipping through notes on her desk. It was pointless. They both knew he wasn't expecting her.
"No, but I need to speak to him. Does he have time right now?"
Carmen scanned over the schedule for the day and smiled. "He's actually wrapped on appointments for the day. If you can tear his attention from his files, he's all yours."
Olivia shot her a grateful look, watching as the secretary stood and moved to the office door, rapping her knuckles against the polished wood.
"Mr. Barba, SVU is here to see you."
Olivia appreciated the last second of anonymity, taking away his chance to turn her away at the door. She stepped past Carmen and into the office before Rafael could ask any questions. He stared at her standing in the doorway for a long moment, blinking rapidly before settling a cool mask over his features and turning his attention back to the other woman.
"Thank you, Carmen. You can head out if you like, start your weekend early. I can wrap things up here."
She smiled warmly, a knowing glint that Olivia didn't understand shining in her eyes. "Thanks, Mr. Barba. Have a good weekend. You too, Detective." She turned and left, pulling the door shut behind her.
Rafael and Olivia regarded each other in silence, the only sound in the room the faint ticking of the clock on his wall. She had thought of what she wanted to say for days now, but being in front of him, alone, made her mind go blank. So instead of her carefully thought out monolgue, she blurted out the only thought running through her mind.
"I miss you."
That caught him off guard. The tension she could see in his body seemed to release for a moment as the almost-plea hit him. He gestured to the chair in front of his desk and she sat gratefully, feeling a little more secure with the desk solidly between them.
He drummed the fingers of one hand on the wooden surface, and Olivia stayed quiet, waiting for him to decide what to say.
Finally, he sighed. "What do you mean? We see each other almost every day."
"You know what I mean, Barba."
"No, I don't," he argued, leaning forward a little in his chair. "Explain it to me, Detective."
It was Olivia's turn to sigh, trying to grasp the right words to express herself. She was usually so good at finding the right thing to say, but this man had a habit of disarming her. "Ever since... my whole situation, you've pulled away from me. Which I understood, I hid something important from you, but it's been months. I thought we could've gotten past this by now."
"How could we? You choose to date a man you famously hate, and you hide it from me, not just as a peer, but as a friend," he snapped, vibrant eyes piercing through her. "And you almost let that jeapordise a critical investigation. And then you continue a relationship that almost cost you everything."
Olivia closed her eyes. "I know, I-"
He cut across her. "No, I don't think you do. You almost lost everything, Olivia. You do realise that?" He stood, stalking around the desk and standing before her, resting back against its edge as he so often did. It felt different this time though, with him looking down at her with a fury she so rarely saw outside of the courtroom. "And you want me to what? Just forget it? Pretend that I'm okay with your choice of partner when he nearly ruined you, both before and after you fell for him?" The last few words almost came out as a snarl.
Olivia rose from her chair too, pacing slightly as she tried to work out whether she wanted to get closer or further away. "What right do you have to condemn me, Rafael?" she ground out, her outrage pouring from her. "I made a choice because I developed feelings for someone. Why does that still bother you so much?"
This was all wrong. She'd planned to stay calm and let him have his feelings about the situation, no matter what they were. She'd wanted to explain that she and Tucker were over, and that she'd known it was wrong for quite a while now. But all of that fell apart in the face of Rafael's anger.
They were both silent for a moment, staring each other down. Feeling herself crumbling under his gaze she turned her pacing to walk across the room, ending up facing the wall. She rested her palms against its cool surface, trying to center herself.
"In case you were wondering, it's over with Tucker. We're through." He didn't answer and Olivia shut her eyes, breathing slowly. At least she'd said part of what she came here to say, if nothing else.
She felt Rafael walk up behind her and turned to face him. She started a little when she saw just how close he'd gotten. His eyes felt as if they were boring holes in her again, but there was some other emotion there this time.
"You want to know why it still bothers me?" he asked, voice soft and low now, a startling contrast to the rage present a minute ago. Olivia nodded. "Because he was wrong for you. Because he didn't deserve you. Because you, Olivia Benson, belong with someone who has treaured you from the first moment they met you. Not someone who has become tolerable enough to be thought about romantically."
Olivia's breath caught in her throat as he lifted his hand to her face, tracing a finger along the line of her jaw. "You deserve somebody who loves you unconditionally," he said, voice barely above a whisper now. Olivia noticed his eyes flick to her lips and she felt herself doing the same.
"Rafa," she whispered back, her gaze saying everything she couldn't.
She wasn't sure who moved first, but suddenly his lips were on hers and she was melting into his touch. His free arm wound around her waist as the hand on her cheek slid back to cup the back of her head, winding his fingers through thick strands of hair. She couldn't work out what to do with her hands for far too long, her brain still trying to catch up with the turn the afternoon had taken.
Finally, she understood why he'd been so betrayed, and why she'd felt so shaken by his rejection. So many moments from their past flickered through her mind, showing her their dynamic in this new light. How had she never realised?
She brought her hands up to his chest, fingers absently tracing patterns over his shirt, and he groaned softly into the kiss. He nipped at her lower lip, smirking against her as he heard the gasp that drew from her. His hand tightened in her hair as he took advantage of her open mouth to deepen the kiss. The pull wasn't painful or controlling, but grounding. Her hands drifted around to his back to pull him impossibly closer.
Rafael broke away from the kiss and she began to protest, until his lips landed on her neck and began leaving soft bites and open mouthed kisses there. She arched her head away to give him more room to work, sighing softly at the tightening pull on her hair as he continued to lavish attention on her.
For a brief moment, Olivia worried that they would be overheard, before remembering that they were alone in here. Carmen was gone, and it was late enough in the day that it was unlikely anyone was still on this floor, perhaps not even in the rest of the building.
"Did you plan this?" she breathed, grabbing the back of his neck and scatching her nails lightly over his skin. "Leaving us all alone in here."
He chuckled against her, resting his forehead in the crook of her neck for a moment before pulling back to look at her. "I may have been hoping for this. But honestly, I just didn't want her to hear us yelling at each other." He couldn't seem to help the sheepish smile that crossed his face.
Olivia laughed before drawing him in for another lingering kiss. His hand left her waist and she could feel rather than see him feeling his way across the wall for something. Curious, she pulled away from the kiss, watching as he found the door to the office. He shot her a look that made her weak in the knees as he turned the latch.
"A little presumptuous, Counsellor," she challenged, but the way she pressed into his body made it clear that their intentions for the evening were well aligned. He rolled his eyes but smiled at her fondly, before the look hardened back into that determined, burning stare of his.
"Going somewhere, Detective?"