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“I’m tired Alec! Okay? Is that okay with you?” Alec stopped trying to talk back and resigned himself to listening to Magnus. The warlock still wasn’t yelling, talking loudly but not shouting at him still even though they’d been arguing for the past half an hour in Alec’s bedroom in the Institute.
Alec was standing in front of the closed door, hands clasped behind his back and he was fighting to keep himself from shouting or interrupting. Magnus was standing on the other side of the room staring at him, his eyes unglamoured and slightly watery. He was agitated, shifting his weight constantly like he wanted to be pacing.
“I am tired of going to sleep with you next to me then waking up to a cold bed where you should be because you’ve been called back like a proper little Nephilim.” Alec flinched and Magnus winced before carrying one. “I am tired of you calling to tell me that our date is cancelled again and again. I’m exhausted from running around after your friends when they call me to help them out. Tired of taking the small amount of time I can get with you in between patrols and you being here. You are around so little it’s like you don’t want to see me anymore! But I don’t complain. I don’t say anything because one second with you is more than I expect anymore and I don’t want to lose you.”
Magnus went quiet and looked Alec in the eye, pleading with him to understand. Alec himself was shell-shocked. He hadn’t realised Magnus felt like that, had been feeling like this. It made him feel sick himself. That he hadn’t noticed, hadn’t realised. That it had taken them arguing for him to understand.
“Magnus...I’m so sorry. By the Angel, I am so sorry. I didn’t...I didn’t know. I should have known...I should have noticed...I’m so sorry...Oh God, I’m horrible...I’m a horrible boyfriend...I can’t believe I did this...I can’t…” Alec let himself fall to the floor onto his knees, looking at his hands, in front of him now. Running his fingers over the thin leather bracelet Magnus had gotten him a month ago for his birthday; he could feel unshed tears pushing at the back of his eyes.
He heard more than saw Magnus move to kneel in front of him, felt his gaze, heard his breathing and the rustle of his clothes. The warlock put a hand over Alec’s to stop him fidgeting. He could see the matching bracelet on the tan wrist and felt the tears push even harder to fall. Then they were and Alec didn’t know what to do.
“Alec.” Magnus said softly, lacing his fingers with the shadowhunter’s and using his other hand to gently lift his chin up but Alec pulled away, shaking his head. He didn’t deserve Magnus’s touch, his affection.
“I’m sorry.” Alec mumbled, something warm hit his hands and he realised the tears were already falling too fast. Too late to stop them. Magnus breathed in sharply. Alec had never cried in front of him before. It probably wasn’t helping.
“Stop, Alexander. Stop apologising. I know you’re sorry. I’m sorry too. Don’t even try to tell me not to be.” Magnus tried again to get Alec to look at him, the Shadowhunter allowed it this time. Trying desperately to stop himself from crying, it was a weakness. He had been taught that all of his life.
“I’m sorry. I can’t stop- stop them.” Alec mumbled. A flash of confusion flickered over Magnus’s face before a moment of realisation.
“It’s okay to cry, Alexander. God, you think it’s a weakness don’t you? Bloody Nephilim and their stupid emotionless ideas. Come here, darling. It’s going to be okay.” Magnus gathered Alec up in his arms and held him tight, the Shadowhunter let him and clung to the Warlock. Listening to his soothing voice, believing him, trusting him.
“We will make this work, Alec. We will, I promise. I don’t know how you want to do this but we can get it to work.” Magnus ran a hand through Alec’s hair and brushed his remaining tears away with a gentleness that Alec adored.
“Well, what do you want to do?” Alec asked quietly, shifting in Magnus’s arms so he can look at his face, open and more vulnerable than he’d ever seen it. It sent a thrill through him, knowing that he had his trust so utterly and completely.
“I want you to move in with me.” Magnus said it without a single tremor in his voice and Alec knew he meant it. Magnus didn’t say things he didn’t mean. They sat in silence while Alec processed.
“Why? I’m not saying I don’t want to but I’m still going to have to come here for missions and patrols.” Magnus nodded like he’d expected this reaction.
“Yes, you will. But you will also come home to me after them, you will be there before them. I won’t have to worry that Maryse won’t let me know if you come home injured. You won’t have to sneak past Aldertree every time you want to visit me. We won’t have to be left with texting or calling when you have last minute nights off because you’ll spend them at the loft anyway. You don’t have to say yes, Alexander. I understand if it’s too soon and you have to compete with the Clave and your parents but the option will always be there for you if you want to take it.”
Magnus finished and let Alec take his time formulating an answer again; the Shadowhunter closed his eyes to think over what the Warlock had said.
“Okay.”
“Okay?” Magnus raised an eyebrow causing Alec to smile.
“Okay, I want to. I want to move into the loft with you.”
“You- really?” Alec laughed at the surprised expression on his boyfriend’s face.
“Really, Mags.”