Chapter Text
Cassian didn’t remember it, he’d been way too young back then, but there had been a time when that deep-rooted feeling of not-being-alone hadn’t been there. He didn’t remember the night so very long ago when he’d screamed his little throat raw from pain and confusion and fear and too much, his parents tired and worried and unable to soothe the one year old in any way.
That night, across the galaxy on a cold planet where it was just nearing midday, Bodhi Rook was born. It hadn’t been an easy birth, but the little boy was strong and healthy and his exhausted mother and his worried father were so very proud and happy.
***
Cassian didn’t have many friends as a child, at least not his age. They moved around a lot. It wasn’t unusual for one of his parents to be gone for days, sometimes weeks. Sometimes they both left him for a while, their friends looking after him. He was too young to understand any of it, but he could feel the tension all around. And he could hear the adults talk as they cursed the ‘Republic’ and ‘clones’ and ‘this whole damn war’.
But no matter what one thing always stayed with him: his soulmate.
His mother had cuddled up with him one night, explaining to him about these moments when he felt like laughing all of a sudden without knowing why. Or that time he’d kicked the kitchen table hard enough that his father’s blaster had fallen off and all just because of a sudden bout of rage that had come out of nowhere. She’d told him that those weren’t his emotions, but those of his soulmate. A person somewhere out there who was meant for him.
“Like a friend?” he’d asked.
“Yes, honey, like a friend.”
“Can we go looking for them?”
“Not right now, but one day, we will. I promise.”
***
Bodhi was a happy child. Sure, life on Jedha wasn’t easy. The climate was harsh and his parents had to work hard for a living, but they loved him with all their heart, just as much as his two little sisters. He loved to play outside, to run through the maze of his neighborhood with his friends, hunting after necko-beetles.
He was a curious kid, always asking questions. One day he trudged home from playing with his friends and asked his father why he felt so sad when the afternoon had been so much fun. That’s when his father had sat down with him and explained to him about the Force. That it was all around and influenced everything and that it took care of people. It connected two people who belonged together, who complemented each other. Soulmates. And if one felt something very strongly then the other one would feel it, too.
“So it’s my soulmate who’s sad?”
“It seems so.”
“But why?”
“I don’t know, Bodhi.”
“I don’t want them to be sad.”
“Then cheer them up. Be happy and they will feel it, no matter how far away they are, they will feel it.”
“Papa? Will I meet them one day?”
“Maybe? If you’re lucky? They say meeting your soulmate is like finding something you didn’t even know you were missing. But the universe is big. Lots of people never find their soulmate. But no matter if you two find each other or not, you will always be connected through the Force. You will always be close to one another, you only have to listen to your heart.”
***
A year later Cassian still didn’t know what was going on all around him, but he knew that the Republic was bad, that they were responsible for the war all around that “devastated planets” as his father always said when he railed against the Republic, although Cassian wasn’t exactly sure what that meant. Only that it was something bad.
He knew that the Republic was the reason they had to move so often. He knew that the Republic was the reason some of his parents’ friend never came back or that there sometimes wasn’t enough food. And he knew that the Republic was the reason his parents argued a lot.
He knew his father fought the Republic, fought the bad guys. And he wanted to do the same. He was so damn proud when his father and his father’s boss asked him to help. His mother was livid, but Cassian had left with his father all the same, too happy to be treated like one of the grown-ups.
“Listen, Cassian, I know how distracting a soulmate can be, but this is important. This mission is important. When you’re up there, I want you to focus only on the job. Don’t let your soulmate get in the way.”
He nodded.
And although it was difficult he ignored the childish bubbles of joy the best he could as he threw stones at clones and Republic walkers alike together with three other kids, the parapet hiding them from view and errant blaster fire, while their parents attacked them head on.
***
It’s three years later when Bodhi felt restless, almost anxious. He couldn’t sit still or concentrate. His mother had checked his brow for fever two times already because the last time he’d trailed after her like that and had practically begged for her comforting embrace with everything except words had been when he’d come down with sand fever. But there was no fever, so they went to the temple for the monthly festivities, just as planned.
It was there, in the middle of the holy ceremony, surrounded by monks and citizens alike, that he started crying. And no matter what his parents tried, no matter how close they held him or how much they stroked his hair or how many times they asked him what was wrong, he only hid his face against their necks and cried until his face was red and his chest hurt. But what else could he do with the terrifying pain and the devastating feeling of loss that wrecked his mind?
It was one of the monks who led them aside, away from prying eyes. And it was him who touched Bodhi’s head, murmuring prayers, before he stated in a sad voice, “There’s nothing wrong with the boy. It’s his soulmate.”
***
Cassian was too young to know what it felt like to lose everything. And yet he did. He’d learned that on Carida, when a simple protest against the militarism of the Republic had gotten out of hand. Nothing had been the same ever since.
His father was dead. Killed right before his very eyes.
And his mother was gone. Taken into custody by those kriffing clones.
Nerrik, his father’s best friend, had gotten him out. Not just out of danger but out of the system as well. Nerrik said he shouldn’t get his hopes up at seeing his mother again. He also said that they would make the Republic pay for that.
Cassian was alone and sad and so very, very angry.
At the Republic for taking his parents away.
At his parents for leaving him alone.
At himself for feeling so damn helpless.
And most of all at his soulmate for making it all even worse!!! For forcing him to feel their joy and happiness and hope when all he wanted was to hide in a closet and cry. Or scream at the universe. Or both at the same time.
But when he lay in bed at night, curled up into a tight ball, he clung to the memory of that happiness, clung to its warmth, for it was the only good thing left to him.
***
Bodhi never found out what had happened to his soulmate that day – and how should he – but he had his suspicions.
He tried to send good feeling across their connection, at least as soon as he was able to feel anything but the other’s pain. It was the only thing he could do to help or comfort after all.
For a while the only things he felt from his soulmate were grief, loneliness, fear and anger. But all too soon their anger burned the other emotions to the ground until it was the only thing left.
It hurt Bodhi.
And it didn’t make his own life easier.
His sisters became afraid of his outbursts. His parents were at a loss. They took him to the monks of the temple in the end. Not that they were of much help at the beginning.
“All is as the Force wills it.”
What could the Force possibly want with his soulmate in pain? Or with himself hurting his family?
Bodhi argued, his mother insisted and his father begged and in the end one of them relented – or took pity in him. The monk taught him a meditation technique that would allow him a certain amount of dissociation to his soulmate’s emotions. He’d still feel them, but they wouldn’t be able to affect him like they did before.
“But be careful, boy. The bond between soulmates is a sacred thing. Once damaged it can’t be repaired.”
The meditation helped. But he didn’t like being cut off from the other like that. And he felt guilty for shutting him out.
Life got back to normal and as the boiling anger and bouts of rage slowly subsided over the years he stopped meditating.
He’s eleven when he learned what had happened to his soulmate after all.
He’s eleven when his mother died. A severe sickness had taken her, suddenly and without mercy.
Bodhi knew that grief that followed; that devastation and helplessness, that terrible loss. He had felt it before. And as he mourned his mother and cried in his father’s embrace with his sisters huddled against him he also ached for his soulmate, knowing that they had suffered the same. Knowing that it had sent them on a dark path, full of anger and self-hatred.
Never before had he wished so much to meet them in person. To hold them close, just like his sisters. But also to bury his head in their neck to weep for them both.
***
Cassian made the rebellion his home.
He was clever, quick on the uptake and more than eager, his fury at the Republic for taking his parents his driving force. The rebels took him under their wings and taught him how to use a blaster, how to defend himself, how to fly and lots of other things as well. They groomed him into the perfect soldier but also an independent thinker.
It took years – his teenage years – but he worked his way up the ranks. Slowly. Efficiently.
After a while his priorities shifted. A deep routed drive for revenge turned into the general need to do something about the Empire and the oppression and terror it brought on the galaxy.
He realized that he couldn’t let his anger control him. That he needed to keep a cool head and strategy to win against an enemy like that. It wasn’t just his anger; emotions in general would only serve as a distraction in a fight like this one.
A liability.
So he forced himself to stop feeling altogether.
Of course that didn’t work. Not like he wanted to and certainly not from one day to the next. It took him years to learn how to keep his emotions under control, allowing them up to a certain degree, because they could be a good guidance like fear or suspicion, but they also were the best reminder why he did what he did. The hate for the Republic, the disgust with their actions, but also the joy of a victory, the camaraderie amongst the rebels.
But beyond that level they were a distraction or got you killed. For years he pushed them away, clamped down on them or tried to distance himself. He wasn’t sure what worked in the end but when the time came to prove himself on his first real missions it had become second nature and served him well.
It worked on his soulmate’s emotions just as well.
Sometimes at night, when he couldn’t sleep, he wondered about his soulmate. About the kind of life they led. A sheltered one he guessed, judging from the overall happy feelings.
It was good that way. And it should stay that way.
He vowed to fight, to do everything in his power to ensure that at least his soulmate could be happy. For the both of them.
The thought that his soulmate could be part of the Empire, this his fight could cause them pain one day never got to cross his mind. He forced it off even before it could fully form, because that wasn’t an option. Not in his book.
***
Bodhi should’ve never tempered with his connection to his soulmate.
He’d thought it was just the anger that slowly dissipated, but it was everything else as well. Everything!
Dimming down month for month, year for year, until nothing was left.
Where he once had felt vibrant emotion there was nothing but emptiness now.
And it was all his fault.
He’d run to the monk the moment he’d realized what was happening, but the old man had only looked at him with sympathy. “It’s possible that you weakened your bond, yes, but it’s also possible that the problem is caused on the other side of your bond.”
He came back again when even the last dim ember of emotion had vanished. “Are… are they dead?”
The monk shook his head. “You would now if they were. Believe me.”
But how would he know?
And what were the alternatives? Either was his soulmate in a coma – and he just refused to believe that – or it was his own fault for tempering with their bond. Could his soulmate at least still feel him?
Soon enough there was no time to worry about that anymore.
His father couldn’t provide for the four of them alone so Bodhi took on work wherever he got it. He was good with technical stuff, a quick learner and dependable which soon got him a more permanent position with the technicians at the local hangar.
But then the Empire sent their troops to Jedha in search for kyber crystals. They weren’t interested in trade and they wanted them all. That’s when the fighting started. It was futile, what resistance could a few monks and a couple hundred brave, but ordinary people offer against an endless supply of Stormtroopers?
And the occupation began.
They killed the monks, ransacked the temples and destroyed them all. First one city then the next. And when they’d taken that they searched again, plundered ancient sacred places in the desert as well as in the catacombs beneath the cities.
And just like with the crystals the Empire dealt with everything else: they simply took it. Just like the food for their troops.
Jedha was a harsh world. Food was scarce or imported and of course the Empire controlled the air space.
Never before in his life had Bodhi felt such helpless anger – at least not his own. Never before had he been afraid of the future.
He longed for the comfort of the presence of his soulmate. But he’d taken that away from himself. By rashness. By stupidity. He should’ve tried harder to soothe his soulmate instead of cutting him off.
He promised himself to never act this rash and stupid ever again.
But even careful consideration and logic – there was no decent employer left on Jedha and his father’s health was deteriorating and they needed money – could lead to regrettable actions.
And he was certain that he would regret this one sooner or later.
He did it nonetheless. He enlisted for the enemy.
TBC