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Living in the suburbs wasn't something Road Runner ever planned to do, but after finishing unpacking the last box of ACME products next to his nest in their new home, he had to admit it had its charm.
Especially since it meant that him and Wile E. were now spending not only every day together but also every night. In the same roof. Together.
"You're two aren't much for talking, are you?" the witch who welcomed them when they settled seemed endeared by their use of signs and gestures. "It will be lovely to have you around, some neighbours here could learn a thing or two from you boys."
They only learned what that meant later when they saw the constant chaos outside their home. Wile E. was messy, for sure, but it was nothing compared to that man with red moustache who was always screaming or that black duck who was always arguing with someone outside his home.
Wile E. cared as much as to fix himself a pair of noise cancelling headphones to be able to work on his next invention. Road Runner didn't mind the noise, it wasn't their desert—that he hoped some day they would be able to return to—but he was happy as long as they were together.
What he did mind, though, were certain people thinking they had a right to try to break into their perfect little world.
Certain people more like a certain obnoxious rabbit that kept hovering around Wile E. like an annoying pest that Road Runner couldn't exterminate.
The first time it happened was when Wile E. and him were at a pizza restaurant, celebrating their first week surviving in their new home and Wile's new job as product designer at Enormocorp. Road Runner left the table to go talk to the owner of the restaurant one moment and when he came back, excited to show Wile his new hat because he just got hired as the new delivery bird, he found this carrot-eating prick flirting with him.
He beeped as he got in between them immediately, but the prick didn't seem to catch his vibe. "Is this your friend? Don't worry, doc, I already told the waitress he asked for no pickles," the rabbit said, winking at Wile with a smirk, winking.
"His name is Road Runner," Wile E. spoke suddenly, catching him by surprise because why was he using his voice to talk to this guy? That was a privilege Roadie rarely got.
"My, so you can talk," the rabbit swooned, ears curling into a heart as his smirk grew wider. "Are you sure you wouldn't make more money as an audio book narrator? You'd sell a million copies, I'd buy them all."
Roadie's crest perked up. Back off.
Again, the bunny didn't understand his glare. "And what about your friend? Is his government name actually 'Road Runner'? Is he mute as well?"
"It is. 'Roadie' for short." Why was Wile still speaking? This was ridiculous. "He is not mute, he just told you he's glad to meet you. Roadie, this is Bugs."
That's not what I said at all and you know it.
Roadie squinted at Bugs, slowly shaking his paw with his claw because he saw the look of 'please, be nice' in Wile's eyes.
"Nice to meet you as well, doc," Bugs said, his attention quickly back to Wile E. "It's nice that you two seem to understand each other quite well, but I suggest you to use your voice a little more when asking for stuff, people around here don't always stop to read signs. Although, I'm glad that let us meet today. See you around, Wiley."
If he didn't still have a little bit of pride, he would have pecked violently at the cottontail of that shameless bunny. But he had, he was a very proud bird and especially, he had never needed to mark his territory this way before. No one ever had tried to steal Wile E. from him, other roadrunners always respected that he was Roadie's chosen mate. They spent so much time together that their scents were almost one. Didn't that rabbit sense it?
The waitress kept ignoring my signs and he helped me call them.
Wile E. wrote in a sign, noticing his distress.
What's the matter?
Really? He was going to ask him what was the matter? Roadie raised his wing to point at his snout, his glare sharp. Wile E. looked flustered.
He's clearly a verbal person.
And? He almost wrote back, but the rolling of his eyes still sent the message. Wile E. sighed and pulled out another sign.
If we wanna make new friends, we have to adapt.
Who was we? Last time he checked, they moved here because humans were starting to invade the desert, not because they wanted to make new friends.
He pulled out a little sign. I don't like that he pressured you to speak.
Because he shouldn't have to be loud to be taken into account. Because that's what made those intruders in the desert discard them as non-intelligent and try to poison them as if they didn't matter at all.
Wile E. petted him softly. "You know I wouldn't if I minded."
Oh, Wile knew what it did to him to hear his voice. His feathers puffed out in delight this time. If he said it like that, he supposed he could try to do things Wile's way for now.
For a bird who pretty much never had anything not going his way, to have one thing unnerving him more than once felt like the universe conspiring against him.
And that something was, of course, Bugs Bunny.
He was just watching Wile E. work on his invention in their garden when he suddenly saw the obnoxious rabbit walking with groceries some houses away.
Just what were the chances of that jerk living on the same block as them? None. The universe was turning against Road Runner by making it happen and he wasn't used to not being favoured by it.
"Well, look at this, it seems that it's my lucky day," Bugs chirped as he approached their home. "My sign guy, Wiley!"
Oh, shut up.
"And his bird pet!"
Fuck you.
At least now Wile E. quickly showed him a clarifying sign. He's not my pet.
"Oh, sorry. Your housemate."
Understatement.
He hated that Wile E. didn't make it more clear. He wasn't a housemate. He was a mate. They were mated, had been for ages.
It should be obvious for anyone who had a sense of smell, which Roadie knew the rabbit had, so he assumed that what he didn't have was a sense of shame.
"We arrived two weeks ago," Wile said now. "We haven't met all the neighbours yet, I suppose that's why we didn't see you."
"I hope they don't scare you away, I live on that house over there," the rabbit pointed at the house that Roadie knew belonged to the insufferable duck.
So, did the jerk have a mate?
"Beep beep!"
"Oh, Roadie seems to know your housemate," Wile E. translated. "Or so, it's hard to not notice him."
"Please don't mind him too much, Daffy can say and do a lot of weird things but he's a good dude. If he bothers you, call me. I will pick up right away."
You're being weird right now.
"Beep beep!"
"Roadie says nothing particularly odd has happened yet, do not worry." What was up with Wile completely changing the meaning of his beeps?
"If anything, just call me and I'll solve whatever nonsense he pulled. I forgot to give you my number last time, how lucky I am that the universe let us meet again," the bunny grinned, giving Wile E. his card with such an infuriating look of need in those eyes that Roadie wanted to peck until they bleed. "So, you know, call me if anything."
As if this rabbit couldn't get any more pathetic. Such an amateur move, such a cliché line, it was getting harder and harder to stomach every time.
Yet, what was even harder was the way Wile E. just waved with his hand and then pulled out an innocent sign at Road Runner's furious glare. He's just being nice. Please, let's be nice.
Roadie wanted to peck at his oblivious head. For a genius, Wile E. was really dumb when it came to these things. It was the reason why they danced around each other for so long. He always found it endearing.
Except right now. Right now it was getting painfully frustrating.
But he compromised to do things Wile's way and adapt to their new life, so he didn't insist.
Still, when Wile E. turned back to keep working, he took the card from his back pocket and ate it.
Doing things Wile's way didn't work.
Two weeks of Roadie restraining himself from obliterating Bugs Bunny and every time the rabbit seemed to be more and more forward with his attempts at being a homewrecker.
He popped out at their home with carrot pie for no reason, casually bumped into Wile E. whenever he went out of the house, suggested him to get a phone so he could be his "first contact", arched his back when he walked in front of the coyote—clearly knowing what it meant—and touched, unnecessarily, whether it was a little poke, a brush, a pat on the back or a tap on his snout that made Roadie almost commit bunnycide.
Just how hard was this rabbit going to try?
It was insane how he never got the message that Wile E. was not interested. By now, he should have already noticed that he was obviously happily mated.
If they were still in the desert where things made sense, he would have known right away.
But they were at the city now, people didn't respect scent markings nor recognized them, they didn't challenge love rivals to vicious fights over their chosen mate, they didn't- Oh, what the hell.
Roadie's feather puffed out in fury as he sensed rabbit smell on Wile E. when he crossed the door of their home, the explanation the coyote gave him only getting even more riled up.
Bugs Bunny had not only called Wile E. like a damsel in distress asking for help to install a floating shelf that any idiot could set up, but he had also made him wear one of his shirts to leave his scent on him.
Just as Roadie suspected it, the asshole knew exactly what the scents meant and he was deliberately challenging him by leaving his on his mate.
His first instinct was to run towards his house, jump that fluffy temptress and fight him to death.
I don't think he knows what it means, he just lend me his shirt so I wouldn't get dust on my fur. Wile E. explained to him with a sign and it made him want to slam his head again a wall, whether his own or Wile's.
More than that, he wanted to slam that rabbit's head with an anvil.
But Wile E. got in his way, looking desperate while he waved his arms around in plea. It doesn't mean anything.
Not for him, but it meant something for the rabbit, for sure! He was done with handling it the nice way, he had a right to be pissed.
And yet, Wile E. clung to his neck, looking at him with such puppy eyes that it extinguished a lot of his burning jealousy.
He sighed exhausted. If he couldn't do things his way, he could find a new one appropriate for the city.
He learned what was the city way to make a homewrecker back the hell off the very next day.
Kind of. It was something he caught his boss watching on TV during his lunch time. He didn't understand the entire dramatic context, but he liked the part where the protagonist reclaimed her love interest while the second lead had to resign and cry.
So, he told Wile E. to invite his little friend for dinner.
I won't do anything to him. He put on an innocent look when Wile E. flinched at the petition. Promise.
Wile E. looked at his with suspicion, but was ultimately defeated by Roadie's angelic smile that always convinced him that the bird was the purest being on earth.
Oh, what would it be of him without Wile's never ending infatuation?
It was the very backbone of his plan.
As he learned in the telenovela, if he knew what he provoked on his mate, he had to use it on his favour.
When Wile E. returned home that night, he was surprised at dim lighting of the candles around and the scent of fresh cherries.
"Are you hiding?" he asked when he didn't find Roadie anywhere. "I sense your scent. Stop playing, dear. Bugs may arrive anytime now and I do not want to see your face if you find us alone."
No response. So he inspected the table that Roadie had set up with a bottle of wine and a big cloche that smelled incredibly delicious.
Wile E. shivered. If he peeked, he wouldn't be able to stop himself from tasting, but whatever Roadie ordered this time was overwhelming his senses.
He looked around and finally lifted the cover to see what was it, only to reveal his precious Roadie underneath, laying on his back, feathers crested up, surrounded by cherries and enveloped with a shiny red ribbon as if he was taken right out of Wile's wildest dreams.
"Beep beep!" his little bird chirped, seeing with great pleasure how Wile's pupils went wide in seconds, eyes sparkling as his mouth watered.
Wile pounced him immediately, licking him with desperation as he clumsily undid the ribbon.
Roadie cooed in delight, knowing that whatever rational thoughts his mate had about Bugs Usurper Bunny arriving at any moment vanished from his mind, the only thought remaining being mate, mate, mate.
He heard the click of the door opening because, of course, he made sure to leave a key outside and he just laid back and enjoyed the relentless wet kisses on his neck.
The door closed almost right away and he just knew that a certain gray bunny got the hint now.
He poked his tongue out with a cocky smirk. Maybe he was too jealous, spiteful, immature and even insane for setting up this little show, but that rabbit taunted him into it and if he wanted to challenge Roadie to a freak battle, he had to endure the consequences.
And feeling Wile going crazy over him right now, Roadie felt even more giddy with his petty victory.
That's it. I win!