Chapter Text
When did it all become this bad?
Allie couldn’t answer. She simply lay in her bed, staring at the ceiling fan, the question lingering on her tongue like a bad aftertaste. The thoughts swirled around her mind in a hazy fog, slowly turning into a messy tornado by each growing day.
When had it become so bad?
She didn’t want to think about it, infact, she didn’t want to think at all. But the thoughts never stopped for her, or for anyone in that matter. Smile and endure, as she always says. It helps on most days
The ceiling fan continues its slow lazy circles above her.
Round and round and round
The dull sound had become strangely comforting, predictable in a way. There was reassurance in knowing that it would not stop spinning no matter what happened.
Allie wished she could do the same
Keep turning. Keep moving. Keep pretending.
Keep pretending that everything was fine when it wasn’t.
That everything was fine when she wasn’t.
She had to get out of bed eventually. How long has it been since she woke up? 5, 6, 7 minutes, hours, days? Lately, time seemed to blur into one big chaotic artwork.
She begrudgingly pulled the sheets off her and tossed them into a heap in the corner. They’re dirty (Like you), they need to be cleaned anyway.
She walked outside of her room and into the hallway, floorboards creaking under each step (Creak? That didn’t happen yesterday) as she stepped into the bathroom at the end of the hall.
She turned the light on and glanced (read: stared intensely) at herself in the mirror.
She immediately wished she hadn’t.
The fluorescent light was unforgiving. It seemed to find every little imperfection and drag it into the open, leaving nowhere for her to hide (Where could you hide? You can’t avoid yourself, or me-)
Allie stared into her reflection.
Too tired
Her bright auburn hair was a mess, random strands sticking up here and there (too messy). Her hazel eyes looked dull and heavy, without any life in them (you look dead inside). She looked like she hadn’t slept properly in weeks, heck maybe even months.
(Too much for you?)
Her gaze travelled lower before she could stop. She pulled her shirt down, not wanting to gaze at her body (still too much? I thought you were used to it)
She looked away.
Suddenly the bathroom felt way too small. The walls were closing in on her, suffocating, drowning-
No. Don’t go there, not now, not here (I’m still here). Just don’t look
She looked anyway.
This was silly. Allie knew that staring at her reflection wasn’t going to change anything, wasn’t going to bring back her bubbly, cheerful self (Where’d she go?), wasn’t going to stop the voice in her head from telling her lies (Are they really lies though?).
Well, some small part at least.
Knowing something and believing in it are two very different things after all.
She hastily brushed her teeth (while avoiding eye contact with the person in the mirror (that’s you-) and tried to style her hair in a presentable way, eventually settling for a bun. And for good measure, she covered up her eye bags (dark, heavy, sagging) with her mother’s cheap foundation and whatnot. She didn’t want anyone asking questions.
She looked at herself in the mirror again. This time, she actually looked like a human being and not a walking zombie (if this is what you call looking normal).
She turned and left the bathroom before she could find any other faults within her appearance
(Liar, everything is wrong with the way you look).
Downstairs, she could hear the clatter of plates and the telltale scent of food lingering in the air, oh no.
She could hear the low murmur of her mother talking to someone on the phone, the tv on, probably her dad watching something, her brother was probably still asleep (he has uni holidays). Lucky duck.
It sounded normal (You’re anything but normal)
It was the nice thing with mornings, everyone was too busy to notice when something was wrong (when have they ever noticed, it's been months, only you and me).
She pulled her sleeves over her dry, flaky hands (do you not know what moisturizer is?) and walked into the living room.
“Good morning Allie, your breakfast is on the table!” Her mother called from the kitchen.
Great, she told her mother that she didn’t want breakfast yesterday (when does she ever listen huh?)
She sat down at the dinner table and stared anxiously at the plate in front of her.
It was nothing bad really, just two sunny side up eggs and bacon shaped into a smile. Her mother could be really sweet when she wanted to be.
Allie stared at the smile
It looked off
Too cheerful, too happy, too knowing
Like it knew about her thoughts
(Well? Go on)
Her stomach twisted.
The eggs sat perfectly on the plate, yellow and glossy underneath the kitchen light. The bacon was curved upwards at the edges, like it was laughing at her. (Why would it be laughing?)
(What’s the matter?)
It felt like the bacon was speaking to her
(Am I not good enough for your tastes? Do you not want to eat me? What’s wrong? I thought you wanted breakfast did you not?)
She didn’t know what was wrong. She swallowed thickly, still staring at that all too knowing smile.
She could hear the thoughts coming closer, the shadows crawling from the back of her mind, inching closer and closer and closer until she could feel them breathe down on her neck.
(You wanted breakfast didn’t you?)
No she didn’t, at least that’s what she said.
Right?
Her hands tightened around the sleeves of her jumper, nails making indents against her palms (Still dry, still flaky)
The food wasn’t doing anything, it was just that. Food.
So why did it feel like the whole room was waiting for her? The walls, the lights, the painting, even the carpet. It felt like there were eyes everywhere, watching her, waiting, taunting
(Come on, take a bite, come on, what’s wrong?)
(Do it)
(Do it)
(Do it)
(Do it)
(Do it)
(Do it)
(Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it-)
This was torture.
She glanced towards the kitchen, her mother laughing softly about something the person on the other end said.
Why did it feel like she was being judged? (We’re all watching you)
The bacon was still smiling.
Allie wanted to fling the thing into the wall, just so she didn't have to stare at it.
Her stomach growled. She hated it.
Hated the way her body could betray her so easily, making demands as it had any right to do so.
(Well?)
Her fork lay beside the plate
Allie picked it up, what other choice did she have?
Her stomach growled again, this time louder. Her hunger was catching up to her, she didn’t eat anything last night, or the day before anyway. One bite couldn’t hurt, right?
She stabbed her fork into the bacon, tore off a piece and swallowed it. She felt fine (Another bite couldn’t hurt)
She took another bite, and another, and another, until the damn broke. She couldn’t stop anymore.
She just ate it, shoveling more and more into her mouth until her mouth couldn’t hold it.
(Look at you)
(Are you sure you need all of that?)
(They’re gonna notice, everyone’s going to know)
(Whatever happened to limiting food?)
(You could stop, you know what happens afterwards, don’t you?)
She could feel her eyes stinging more and more with each bite she took, after realising what she was doing. (You’re doing it again)
She finished the plate, licked it clean (The smile is gone), but she still wasn’t done.
She could still feel the hunger, growing more, in the pits of her stomach. As if what she ate wasn’t enough to satiate it.
She noticed a dish of bread in the center of the table, her mother probably put it there in case she was still hungry (Which you are).
She grabbed and shoved it in her mouth, more and more, swallowing and chewing (not much chewing, but oh well), grabbing, mouth, swallow, repeat.
It was a cycle she was all too used to, one she had been trying to avoid (And miserably failed)
She only stopped once she realised there was nothing more to grab at, and then it hit her.
(Oh my god, you did it again)
Allie froze, her hands frozen and trembling, hovering over the empty bread dish.
She stared at the empty plates, clean and spotless, and saw her own horrified expression in its reflection (Now do you realise what you have done?)
For a moment she couldn’t move. The room felt unbearably bright and suffocating (Do you feel it?)
Her stomach felt impossibly heavy, filled with food she had eaten in- less than a minute.
(Only a minute? Felt like an eternity didn’t it?)
She pushed her chair back harshly, not wanting to look at the empty plates, her face expressions glaring at her from its porcelain surfaces.
It scraped loudly against the floor. Her mother peeked out from the kitchen, her dad still watching the tv (How had he not heard?)
Her mother blinked once, then twice.
“Wow, looks like someone was hungry” her mother said jokingly, in the most light-hearted tone she could say.
Allie’s eyes widened only slightly. Her mother was joking, she knew that, yet why did it feel like she was mocking her? judging her (she probably is). She did plate the table only a few minutes ago, maybe 10 (You scarfed that breakfast down like a pig, you do realise that?)
Allie put up a smile though, she didn't want to worry her mother after all. Even if the smile felt fake and plasticky on her face (smile and endure, as you always say).
“Yeah, maybe I was,” Allie breathed out, choosing her words carefully as she took the plates to the sink. She didn't want to admit that she was starving (even though she knew she was).
“I honestly didn’t think you’d eat today, so I made a smaller breakfast than usual. Hopefully that was still fine?” Her mother said, smiling sweetly at her, phone pressed tightly against her ear, the person on the other end still chatting animatedly (Seriously, can they shut up?)
Allie stopped for a second. Smaller? That was smaller than what she’s used to having? (didn’t feel like it now did it?)
Her stomach only seemed to get heavier at this.
A few seconds passed, Allie face down at the sink, her mother looking at her, face contorting from happy to concern.
“Allie? You alright sweetie?” Her mom asked, switching the phone to her other ear, her smile tursed into a thin line, eyes creased at the edges.
Allie snapped out of it and turned to her mom, the plastic smile plastered back onto her face.
“Yep! I’m fine mom! NOTHING to worry about!” Allie exclaimed, internally wincing at how overly enthusiastic she sounded (Jeez, can you be any more obvious?)
Her mother didn’t look convinced in the slightest, but she nodded, the concerned expression lingering on her face.
“Ok Allie, whatever you say” Her mother said after a while. “Also, you’ll be late for school if you don’t hurry up” Her mother lightly scolded from the kitchen , phone still somehow shoved against her ear (like seriously, does that not hurt?).
“Right, yes mum” Allie responded
Allie grabbed her bag that was sitting on the ground next to the front door, slipping one arm through the strap. As she went to put on her school shoes, she noticed that her socks were mismatched, her uniform skirt was wrinkly, and plus her actual school shoes were scuffed and scratched.
Huh, weird. They were shiny and neat just yesterday?
It had been a long time since she cared about her appearance. She only cares enough to make herself look somewhat decent. She hated confrontation, she avoided it like the plague
(Everyone’s going to notice the slob you really are).
“Bye mum!” Allie called out.
“Bye sweetie! Love you!” Her mother responded from the living room
Allie paused momentarily
“Love you too” and she meant it, truly (Do you?)
The front door clicked shut, the heavy thud of timber on frame severing her from the same, predictable domesticity of her home. Outside, the morning air was biting and sharp, stinging her cheeks and the skin of her exposed wrists (She pulled down her jumper sleeves after realising this).
It should have been grounding, instead the cold just made her feel more exposed than she normally felt. As if the whole street could see exactly what she had done.
(Disgusting)
“Shut up”
Allie froze. She glanced up and down the sidewalk. Only a random couple on the other side was staring at her. Allie could feel heat rising to her cheeks as she scrambled down the path.
Hopefully they didn’t hear her (They think you’re weird and need help)
“Shut up”
(Do you feel disgusted?)
Allie glanced down at her hands.
They were trembling
(Why are you shaking?)
Allie curled her fingers into fists
(You look pathetic)
“Stop”
(Is something wrong with you?)
Her nails dug into her palms, almost hard enough to bleed.
(Everyone else seems to manage just fine)
“I said shut up”
(They eat breakfast without turning it into a whole performance.)
Her throat tightened.
(They don't stare at their plates like they're afraid of them.)
“Shut up.”
(They don't lose control.)
“I said shut up.”
(They don't look like that afterwards.)
Allie swallowed hard.
Her eyes burned.
(You did this to yourself.)
“Stop.”
(You always do this.)
“I said stop!”
(And then you pretend it didn't happen.)
“Shut up!”
(You think anyone believes you?)
Allie slammed her hands over her ears.
“SHUT UP!”
Silence, pure silence. Not even the tiniest whisper.
Allie slowly lowered her hands.
She looked around.
No one
Good
No one saw her scream, no one saw her almost break down.
Very good.
She laughed, once, breathlessly to herself
“I’m fine”
(You’re not)
Her face crumpled.
(You always say you are, yet you’re not)
“I am fine though, really”
(Then why are you crying?)
Crying?
As if one cue, a wetness slid down her cheeks.
Tears. How fun
Allie wiped her eyes quickly, careful as to not disturb the foundation lying underneath them.
It wasn’t silent anymore.
There were birds somewhere, chirping obnoxiously from a tree. A car rumbled down the road. Somewhere, maybe in the next street, a lawn mower roared to life.
Normal sounds
Normal morning
Normal Allie
Breathe Allie
Just keep walking
She adjusted her bag strap and continued down the path, as if nothing had happened
Her school uniform felt like a vice. The waistband of her skirt dug into her stomach with each step she took, a reminder of what had gone down at breakfast.
Her stomach felt heavy, and more heavy.
Just keep walking
(Look at you shuffling down the street like a glutton, everyone’s going to see it on you)
Allie paled.
She swallowed, and continued walking
Just keep walking
She shoved her hands deep into her pockets
The cold
She always hated the cold
She hated how it made her aware of her skin, her body
Of herself
(You could turn around)
Just keep walking
School was only a 15 minute walk from her house. A straight route. She made the journey so many times that she didn’t have to think about it anymore.
Predictable, she liked that.
Her thoughts, didn’t
(You ate too much didn’t you)
Her stomach tightened even more impossibly so at this.
Just keep walking
The voice has been getting louder, or she was getting worse at ignoring it.
Either way, it was still there
(I’m always here)
She hated it
She passed a bakery, the smell of freshly baked bread wafting through the air
She almost gagged
Her stomach growled (How?)
She froze
For one horrible second, she was back at the dinner table
The bacon
The bread
The empty plate
Her mother’s voice
Wow, looks like someone was hungry
(Disgusting)
“No”
A bus passed by, drowning out the word.
Just keep walking
Soon the school gates finally came into view.
Students were already gathered around outside. Groups clustered together, laughing and shouting, their voices fading into an incomprehensible hum.
Allie didn't want to go in.
She wanted to keep walking, past everything, walk forever, as far as her legs could go.
(Where would you go? You can’t escape me)
Right
She couldn’t escape it, not at all.
Not with this voice in her head
Not with all of her messed up thoughts
Not with all of her-
“ALLIE!!”
The girl in question flinched so hard her bag slipped off her shoulders
A girl was waving at her from across the courtyard
Jen.
Of course, who else would yell out her name like that?
Jen jogged over, with her two pigtails bouncing along happily.
“You nearly walked right past me!” Jen said, with a grin on her face.
Oh, had she? She didn’t notice, she can’t seem to notice a lot of things lately.
“You alright? You look pale” Jen asked, looking concerned all of a sudden.
Allie faltered for a moment. Jen was always weirdly perceptive of mood changes in someone (She hasn’t noticed anything), it was one of the things that Allie loved about her. However, in this situation, this talent of hers was not working out in Allie’s favour.
Allie settled on the most gentlest smile she could muster.
“Yeah, I’m alright” Allie responded
Jen narrowed her eyes
“You look exhausted”
Allie’s smile tightened ever so slightly
(she’s going to find out)
(She’s going to expose your dirty little secret)
(she’s going to-)
“Hello? Earth to Allie? Are you there?” Jen asked, her voice snapping Allie out of her thoughts.
“Oh umm yeah? What was the question?” Allie asked sheepishly
“I was asking you about why you look tired, for the 5th day in a row” Jen, Jen oh Jen, Why do you notice so many things?
“Didn’t sleep well” It was the same excuse she used last time, but it's not like she had anything else to say, it was partially the truth.
“Again?”
“Mhm”
Jen studied her for a few seconds.
Allie resisted the urge to turn away, her gaze felt like it was tearing into her.
‘I’m Fine”
(No you’re not)
“I didn’t say anything” Jen replied
Allie’s stomach dropped
She hadn’t realised that she said that out loud.
(You slipped up)
(She’s going to find out now)
Jen raised an eyebrow, lips pursed.
“Allie?”
“Sorry Jen, just tired” It wasn’t a lie, technically.
“Right”
Jen didn’t look convinced, but thankfully she didn’t press on it.
“Well, doesn’t surprise me to be honest, you do work your butt off to study” Jen said
Allie felt relief flood into her system, relief that didn’t last long.
“You were probably studying for our history quiz that we have today, hah, no wonder you’re exhausted” Jen said casually.
It wasn’t a big, dramatic statement, yet it felt like time stopped.
What? A quiz
Right! The stupid history quiz that they have today! She had made notes for it, but somehow forgot to study for them
Oh no
(You’re getting worse, your grades are the only thing good about you, and you’re letting them slip?)
(Pathetic)
Allie felt like she couldn’t breathe
Her stomach lurched, heavy, deciding to make itself known now.
Allie gulped and hesitated before settling on a simple,
“Yeah”
The lie slipped out before she could do anything about it.
She had made notes on it.
She spent hours making them actually
Pages and pages of neat handwriting, colour-coded headings, highlighted dates and little self notes in the margins. Neat and perfect, just how she liked them.
She just hadn’t studied them.
She had meant to, truly.
She sat there, yesterday afternoon, sifting through them reading them.
(Not really reading them though).
She realised 20 minutes had passed, and she was halfway through her notes, that she realised she didn’t understand anything she read.
So she started again
And again, and again.
Eventually she gave up and told herself she’d do it in the morning.
Then morning came, and breakfast happened.
Here she was now, unprepared for a history quiz.
(Pathetic, how could you forget)
(You’re a top student, you’re meant to be good at everything)
(Perfect, flawless, you said it yourself)
The voice had a point, she did have to be perfect.
If not her then who else?
The thought made her stomach twist.
“Cool! Can I see them?” Jen asked, smiling.
Allie blinked, “What?”
“Your history notes, please?? I barely wrote down anything yesterday!” Jen responded, practically pleading with her.
Oh, of course, everyone asked for her notes.
She was the one who did and had everything sorted.
Jen took it eagerly.
“Oh my god, Allie. You colour-coded everything.”
Allie gave a weak laugh.
“I like being organised.”
“Can I copy these later?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“You're a lifesaver.”
Allie smiled.
A small, automatic smile.
“Anytime.”
Jen flipped through the pages.
“These are so good. You actually understand all this?”
Allie stared at the notes.
She recognised every word.
She just couldn't remember what any of it meant.
“Mostly.”
(Mostly?)
(You don’t know everything)
Allie ignored it.
Jen handed the notebook back.
“Seriously, I don’t understand how you do it all, you’re so smart!” Jen said cheerily.
You’re so smart, hah
(If only she knew)
(She’d be so disappointed)
(Everyone would be so disappointed)
Allie’s stomach churned, the familiar oily taste of bile coating the back of her throat.
Allie swallowed it down, barely
Not now.
The warning bell rang, almost in tune with Jen’s groan.
“Ugh, come one, otherwise we’ll be late” Jen said, looping her arm with Allie’s.
They headed towards the classroom.
Allie walked beside her, trying not to think about the quiz.
Trying not to think about the fact that she hadn't studied.
Trying not to think about what would happen if she failed.
(You won’t know anything, after all you decided to be lazy)
(This is punishment)
Allie swallowed
This sucked
(You had the whole night)
(You could have studied)
(You chose not to)
Allie clenched her jaw.
Stop
(You think you’re a good student?)
Her fingers tightened around the strap of her bag
(You’re not, you’re just good at pretending)
Her stomach growled
Allie paled
I said not now
Her stomach only got impossible heavier
She reached the classroom door.
Her teacher was already inside, as was everyone else.
She felt eyes turn to her (Judging, staring, mocking)
“All right, everyone. Jen, Allie hurry up, you’re late” Her teacher scolded
Great
Allie sat down, already embarrassed, she still felt eyes on her, judging.
Her heart was pounding, she could feel her stomach’s contents swirling around, waiting to be released
Not now
The teacher placed a stack of papers on his desk.
“Before we begin, I want to remind everyone that this quiz is worth fifteen percent of your term grade.”
Allie felt the blood drain from her face.
Fifteen percent, that’s not good
(Good luck)
The papers began moving down the rows, one being handed to her
Allie took it with trembling hands.
Allie stared at it.
She knew this material.
Didn't she?
She'd written it all down.
She'd spent hours organising it.
She had to know something. Right?
“You may start, now”
Allie turned it over, first question.
Her mind went completely blank.
Nothing.
She knew she had seen this before, it was written somewhere in her notes, vaguely recalling them.
She knew she had.
The answer still didn’t come.
Her breathing became shallower with each passing second.
Her stomach felt unbearable now.
Come on.
Think, you know this, you have to know this
She looked around.
Everyone else was writing.
Pens scratched against paper.
Pages turned.
Someone coughed, another sneezed
Jen was already halfway through the first page.
Allie looked back down.
The answer was somewhere in her head.
It had to be.
She'd written it down.
She'd made notes.
She was supposed to know this.
Her hand trembled as she began writing.
One question, it's just one question, how bad could it really be?
(The answer to that? Really bad)
Some answers came easily, some others didn’t, it was all one big mess.
For the questions she didn’t know, she just stared at the page until her eyes started stinging.
(You don’t know it)
(Stop pretending)
(you’re going to fail)
(Everyone’s going to see)
(The perfect student doesn’t know the answer)
Allie pressed her pen harder against the paper.
Shut up.
The words appeared in her head before she could stop them.
Shut up.
She forced herself to keep going, until her hands hurt
Even if the answers weren't perfect.
Even if she wasn't sure.
She had to finish.
She always finished.
When the teacher called time, Allie put her pen down.
Her hand was aching, as expected.
She stared at the page.
There were answers.
Some of them were probably right.
Most of them definitely weren't.
(You failed that)
She couldn’t convince herself otherwise
Jen leaned towards her.
“So, how’d you find it?”
Allie fought against the miserable expressions her face was probably making.
She turned towards her and smiled (Fake, plasticky)
“Fine, pretty easy actually!” Allie lied, she didn’t have anything else to say.
(Liar)
Jen smiled back
“See, I knew you’d be fine, you are our star student, what would we do without our Allie?” Jen laughed slightly, completely missing Allie’s graying complexion and the way her eyes darted around the room
Star student, right
(Definitely not now)
The pressure from her stomach was a physical weight now, Allie couldn’t do this
Her stomach was begging for release, to be set free.
The guilt, anguish, sorrow and frustration from that damn history quiz was catching up to her.
Her stomach lurched dangerously.
Allie continued smiling, no matter how much she didn't want to.
She didn’t know if she would be fine
And that was worse than anything else.
The bell rang, Allie flinching so hard that she snapped out of her stupor
The classroom erupted into movement almost immediately, chairs scraping against the floor, bags being zipped, voices overlapping as everyone began talking about the quiz, how insufferable.
“Oh my god, question six,” someone groaned from behind her.
“I KNOW. I guessed.”
“Anone know what question 13 was? I didn’t even know!!”
“That quiz was so bad, I swear”
“What you get for question 7”
Allie froze.
Question seven.
She remembered question seven.
She remembered staring at it.
She remembered knowing that she'd seen the answer somewhere.
She just hadn't been able to find it (You never found it)
Her stomach twisted.
“What did you put?” Jen asked her.
Allie looked up.
“What?”
“For seven.”
“Oh.”
She swallowed.
“I think I put B.”
Jen grinned.
“Yes! Me too.”
Relief.
Tiny, barely there.
But relief nonetheless.
Until someone behind them spoke.
“I put C.”
Allie’s heart dropped.
“Wait, really?” Jen asked.
“Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's C.”
Allie stared at her desk.
(You got it wrong)
No
(You didn’t know)
Stop
(You failed)
Jen seemed to notice per panicked expression
“I wouldn’t worry about it though,” Jen said hastily. “After all, it was just one question”
Allie forced a laugh
Yeah, just one
Except for Allie there were more, she could remember at least three
Or four
Maybe even more
(Question three)
(Question five)
(Question seven)
(Question nine)
(You don't belong at the top anymore)
Allie closed her eyes and wished the voice to go away.
Her stomach wasn’t making things easier
(Feel the consequences of your own actions?)
(I told you you shouldn’t have eaten that much)
(Did you listen to me? No)
(Now look at you)
Allie shoved her books into her bag
“I’m going to lunch” and away from here
“Hey wait for me!”
Jen followed along.
The corridor was a smarm of bodies, a deafening roar of slamming lockers and high-pitched laughing.
It didn’t do much for Allie’s raging headache, or her stomach issue.
The cafeteria was even worse.
She sat at the table with Jen and the others. Quietly listening to them argue about the quiz
Allie’s chest tightened, with fear and everything else too.
Her stomach tightened too
She couldn’t contribute to the conversation, even if she knew others were expecting her to.
She was the star student, the one who turned in assignments early, the one who got perfect grades, always praised by teachers, always the perfect one
Everytime someone mentioned an answer her stomach lurched further and further
Allie just stared at the table, wishing everyone could just go away and leave her be
It was too bright, her breath was still shallow from the quiz, she could feel sweat dripping down her back and sheening on her forehead.
Needless to say, she was simply stressed.
Jen nudged her
“Hey, everything alright?,” Jen asked softly. Damn Jen and her magic perception skills. “You’re being quiet”
Allie tried to put on a somewhat neutral expression, to hide her misery (Smile and endure)
“Am I?”
“Yes, normally you’d be shouting statistics by now, what’s wrong?” Jen sounded genuinely concerned for her.
Allie mustered a smile, she couldn’t tell her
“I’m fine, just tired”
“You’ve always been tired lately, what’s actually wrong?” Jen was turned to her fully now, worried expression all too clear.
Before Allie could even open her mouth- “And don’t say you’re fine, you’re not fine”
Allie froze, dear in headlights, whatever neutral expression on her face now completely forgotten, replaced with full blown panic instead.
Allie opened her mouth, then closed it. She couldn’t find the words.
Her mouth felt dry and clammy.
“I-I - uh- I mean - umm” Allie stuttered over every word.
To make matters worse, Jen continued on.
“You’ve been acting different lately, for the past few months even” Jen said, determined
Allie’s breathing became more shallow.
“You’ve withdrawn, you’ve stopped coming to hangouts, you’ve stopped talking to us. It’s like you’re physically here, but you’re mentally somewhere else. What’s wrong?”
Allie just stared, eyes blank.
“Please, talk to me, I’m worried, we’re worried”
Jen sounded concerned, worried, frustrated even.
Allie still stared, mouth slightly agape.
How long?
Her heartbeat thumped in her ears, her stomach lurching dangerously.
She felt exposed, hell she got exposed.
The noise felt like it suddenly reduced, or it was just her
What’s worse is that her friends stopped arguing and also looked at her, as if one person catching on was bad enough.
It felt like the whole cafeteria stopped for her, just staring.
Eyes everywhere, swirling around, all on her.
Allie started hyperventilating.
(They know now)
Allie’s vision was blurring at the edges.
The cafeteria felt too small.
Too loud, too bright, too many people, too many eyes (Judging, sneering, mocking, disgusted, staring staring staring staring-)
Stop looking at me, is what she wanted to yell out, stop looking, stop staring, stop stop stop stop-
(They know everything)
No, they didn’t, they couldn’t
(You say you’re good at pretending? Hah, don’t make me laugh)
(You failed spectacularly, how pathetic)
Please stop, not now, anywhere but now.
(If you just controlled yourself for once, then maybe we wouldn’t be here)
Her throat tightened.
She tried to breathe, anything at all.
Nothing.
She tried to suck in another breath,
Still nothing.
She tried another time.
It came out as shallow and uneven.
Her lungs wouldn’t work for her.
Allie gripped the edge of the table.
Her fingers were still shaking.
Her chest rose sharply, but the air didn’t seem to go anywhere within her. It caught somewhere halfway down her throat, thin and useless.
Her vision blurred even more.
The cafeteria seemed to stretch impossibly wider, yet feeling small and suffocating at the same time.
(Pathetic, you’re being dramatic)
(It’s your own fault)
Too many people
Too many voices
Too many-
“Hey”
Jen, oh god Jen, she almost forgot.
Allie couldn’t look at her.
“Hey, hey Allie, look at me”
No
No, no, no
She couldn’t
If she looked up, she’d see everyone.
Watching.
Waiting.
Judging.
She didn’t want to drown in their stares, not again.
(They’re already looking)
Allie squeezed her eyes shut.
(Go one, take a look)
“No”
Her voice came out barely louder than a whisper.
Jen shifted slightly closer, almost blocking out her view.
Her other friends are gone, weren’t they just here.
(They know now, they don’t want anything to do with you)
(They think you’re disgusting)
Allie whimpered, softly.
“You don’t have to look at me” Jen said
Allie’s breath hitched every so slightly.
(See, even she knows something is wrong)
“Just breathe, alright?”
(Oh what brilliant advice)
Allie’s fingers dug harder into the table, her knuckles turning white.
She tried to breathe again, nothing.
Her palms were becoming clammy.
She did breathe, eventually
Rough and jaggedly, but a breath it was.
(There you go, finally)
It felt like it was mocking her.
Allie shook her head.
“Stop”
Jen frowned.
“I’m not saying anything?”
Shoot.
Allie’s voice cracked
“I wasn’t talking to you”
A horrible silence.
Jen’s eyes widened. No
She understood.
She understood everything.
All of those damn PDHPE mindfulness lessons, all of those assemblies, all of those posters.
Her eyes were opening.
Not exactly everything, but enough.
“Oh Allie…”
(Oh, look at that)
(She knows)
(You couldn’t keep your secret)
No.
(She finally knows)
No no no no.
(You couldn’t keep me a secret forever)
“Shut up”
Jen stared.
“Allie, who are you talking to?”
It was an innocent question, but it felt like the words itself were stripping her away one by one, revealing the nasty, messy, tangled insides of her mind's mechanics, where the voice lay.
“No one”
(Liar)
“No one.”
(Liar)
“I said no one!”
Her voice echoed along the cafeteria.
Heads turned, quite a few.
Allie immediately shrunk in on herself.
(There)
The voice was almost whispering now.
(Now everyone is looking)
Her heart hammered harder.
(You wanted attention, didn't you?)
“No.”
(You got it)
“No.”
(You made a scene)
“I didn't—”
(You always make a scene)
Allie clapped her hands over her ears.
“Stop.”
(Everyone is staring)
“Stop.”
(Jen is staring)
“Please.”
(Your teacher is going to hear about this)
“Please stop.”
(Your parents are going to find out)
Allie’s breathing fractured.
Her chest felt like it was being crushed from the inside.
(And then they'll know what you really are)
“No.”
(They'll know you can't control yourself)
“No.”
(They'll know about the food)
Allie froze.
Her stomach lurched.
The cafeteria disappeared for half a second.
The breakfast table.
The bacon.
The eggs.
The room.
The bread.
The empty plates.
Her mother’s voice.
Wow, looks like someone was hungry
(They'll know)
Allie gagged, the bile reaching the back of her mouth this time.
Jen immediately stood.
“Okay. We're getting out of here.”
“No.”
“Allie—”
“No, I can't.”
“You don't have to explain anything.”
“They'll see.”
“Let them.”
Allie looked at her then.
Jen was standing between her and the rest of the cafeteria.
Not blocking everyone out.
Just making herself the easiest thing to see.
“Look at me,” Jen said.
Allie tried.
She really did.
Her eyes met Jen's for barely a second before darting away again.
(Weak)
Allie squeezed her eyes shut.
(You can't even look at your own friend)
“I'm trying.”
“I know.”
(You're not trying hard enough)
“I know.”
(You never try hard enough)
“I know!”
The words tore out of her.
Jen flinched.
Allie immediately regretted it.
“Sorry.”
“Don't apologise.”
“I didn't mean to—”
“I know.”
Jen crouched down a little, keeping her distance.
“You’re breaking down,” Jen beckoned. “Let me help”
(You're having a pathetic little breakdown)
Allie shook her head.
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No, I'm not.”
Her voice was desperate now.
“I'm fine.”
(There she goes)
“I’m fine.”
(That stupid little lie)
“I’m fine.”
(You always say that)
“I’m fine.”
(Your “Perfect” mask is slipping)
“I’m fine.”
(Then why can't you breathe?)
Allie stopped.
Her mouth opened.
Nothing came out.
Jen's expression softened.
“You don't have to be fine.”
The voice immediately answered.
(Yes, she does)
Allie stared at the floor.
(That's all you're good for)
Her breathing hitched.
(Being fine)
Another breath.
(Being perfect)
Another.
(Being useful)
Her hands trembled violently.
(Being the girl everyone thinks you are)
“I'm not…”
Allie swallowed.
“I’m not her.”
Jen tilted her head.
“Who?”
“The girl everyone thinks I am.”
The words came out before Allie could stop them.
She froze.
She said too much.
The voice went silent, only for a moment
(You’re right)
Allie almost relaxed, key word almost.
(You’re worse)
Allie bit back on a sob, her stomach twisting more and more.
Jen held out a hand, not touching her, waiting.
“You don’t have to take my hand, but it's here”
The simplicity of it almost made Allie start sobbing.
She almost took her hand.
But her body had other plans.
(You want to take her hand?)
(You’ll never be enough)
(She’ll get sick of you)
(She’ll eventually think you and your habits are disgusting)
Her stomach lurched violently even more so, food sloshing up her throat, burning.
Allie gagged.
She stood up immediately.
“I-I’m sorry, I can’t-”
And then she ran.
Jen’s voice called out to her, but it felt so far away.
She ran, feet stomping against the pavement, hard.
Anywhere, anywhere away from here, the stupid cafeteria, the stupid history building.
Away from it all.
To the nearest bathroom, the one hidden behind the old run down science building.
Barely used, perfect.
(Perfect for this)
Allie’s eyes filled with tears, hands covering her mouth, stomach heavy.
She reached the area, practically sprinted inside.
She took a fleeting glance at herself in the crap mirror.
A wreck was the only word that came into her mind.
She slammed the door of the nearest cubicle behind her, not caring how loud it sounded.
Allie barely had time to lock it before her knees gave out.
She stumbled towards the nearest cubicle, one hand clamped over her mouth, the other gripping the wall for balance.
Her stomach heaved.
Once.
Twice.
Nothing.
“Come on,” she whispered.
Her voice sounded foreign.
Small.
Desperate.
(You know what to do)
“No.”
(You know what fixes this)
“No.”
(You did this)
Her stomach twisted again
(You ate)
“I know.”
(You kept eating)
“I know.”
(You couldn't stop)
“I KNOW.”
Her voice cracked against the tiled walls.
Silence.
Then—
(So fix it)
Allie stared at the floor.
She knew what it wanted.
She knew what she wanted.
The cafeteria was too much, she needed to let go.
That’s what she thought she wanted.
She wanted to undo it
To rewind the morning.
To go back to the kitchen and leave the plate untouched.
To never pick up the fork.
To never take the first bite.
To never—
Her stomach lurched.
Allie covered her mouth again.
She couldn't bear the heaviness.
The fullness.
The horrible awareness of her own body.
“Please,” she whispered.
(Please what?)
“I don't know.”
(Yes, you do)
Her breathing shook.
She sank down against the cubicle wall.
For a moment, she just sat there.
Maybe she could wait it out.
Maybe the feeling would pass.
Maybe—
(You're still full)
Allie looked down at herself.
The waistband of her uniform felt impossibly tight.
Her eyes burned.
(You can feel it)
(It's still there)
(You should have thought about this before)
Allie pressed both hands against her stomach.
The gesture only made her feel worse.
She could still remember breakfast with horrible clarity.
The smile made of bacon.
The empty plate.
Her mother's voice.
Looks like someone was hungry.
Her throat tightened.
“I didn't mean to.”
(But you did)
“I couldn't help it.”
(That's what you always say)
Allie shook her head.
“No.”
(You always have an excuse)
“No.”
(You were hungry)
Her eyes squeezed shut.
(And you ate)
A sob escaped her.
(So now you're going to fix it)
Allie stared at the locked cubicle door.
Her hand moved before she could think.
Then stopped.
Her fingers trembled.
For one tiny second, something inside her fought back.
This isn't right.
The thought was barely audible.
But it was there.
Allie swallowed.
“No.”
(Yes)
“No.”
(You don't deserve to feel better)
Her hand tightened.
(You know you don't)
Allie felt the oily, cold bile settle in her mouth, sour, tangy.
She leaned over the toilet lid, and broke apart.
She disappeared behind the closed door, the world outside seemed to disappear with her too.
For a while, there was nothing but the hum of the fluorescent lights and the sound of Allie's uneven breathing.
Then—
Silence.
It was done.
Allie sat on the bathroom floor.
Her whole body was shaking.
She stared blankly at the tiles.
She had imagined relief.
She had imagined the horrible heaviness disappearing.
She had imagined the Voice finally shutting up.
Instead, there was only emptiness.
And shame.
And the awful realization that she had listened.
Again.
(There)
The Voice was quieter now.
(Are you happy now?)
(You wanted this)
Allie wiped her mouth with a trembling hand.
Her eyes were swollen.
Her face felt hot.
She looked down at herself and immediately wished she hadn't.
(Disgusting)
Allie flinched.
She’s heard it before, hundreds of times.
It still hurts.
Allie couldn’t stay here, she had to go eventually.
Months of the same cycle, over and over again, how many times has she done this.
She never learns though.
Allie unlocked the door, and bumped right into someone
Bright blue eyes, wet with tears.
Jen
“Oh god she followed me”
Jen stood frozen in the doorway.
For a moment, neither of them said anything.
Allie couldn't look at her.
She couldn't look at anyone.
Her eyes dropped to the floor, to the tiles, anywhere except those bright blue eyes staring back at her.
“Allie,” Jen said, her voice loud against the bathroom walls.
She still couldn't look up.
“Is-is this what you’ve been doing-” A gap,
“-everytime you ran from us?” She didn’t sound mad, or disappointed, just… sad? Regretful?
Allie swallowed, and barely whispered out a ‘yes’.
“Can you look at me? Please?” She sounded small and distant, why?
Allie did, eventually.
Jen's face was pale.
Not disgusted.
Not angry.
Just... devastated.
“Oh, Allie.”
Allie flinched.
“Don't.”
Jen swallowed.
“Don't what?”
“Don't look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like I'm—”
Allie stopped.
She didn't know what word she was looking for.
Broken.
Disgusting.
Pathetic.
Sick.
A mix of all?
Jen seemed to understand anyway.
“You're not disgusting.”
The Voice stirred.
(Yes, you are)
Allie squeezed her eyes shut.
“Stop”
Jen hesitated.
“I wasn't talking to you”
Allie's eyes snapped open.
Jen's expression changed.
Realisation.
Not complete understanding, but enough.
“Oh.”
Allie immediately looked away.
“Please don't- don’t say anything”
“I won't.”
“You don't understand.”
“No,” Jen admitted quietly. “I don't.”
Allie swallowed.
“But I want to.”
Something broke within her.
Allie wiped furiously at her face.
“I didn't want you to see.”
“I know.”
“I didn't want anyone to know.”
“I know.”
“I messed up.”
Jen shook her head.
“No.”
“Yes, I did, You can’t deny that”
“No, Allie.”
Jen stepped closer, then stopped herself.
“I don't think you messed up.”
Allie let out a broken laugh.
“You literally just saw what I did.”
“I saw that you were hurting.”
Allie stared at her.
“You don't have to make it sound nicer than it is.”
“I'm not.”
Jen's voice cracked slightly, her eyes softening.
“You're my best friend. I'm not going to pretend I didn't see it, but I'm also not going to pretend that you're some horrible person because of it.”
Allie's lip trembled.
“You should be angry.”
“Why?”
“Because I lied.”
Jen was quiet for a moment.
“You did.”
Allie looked down, Jen pulled her face to look at her.
“But I'm more upset that you thought you had to.”
That did it.
Allie's face crumpled.
She covered her mouth, trying to silence the sob that escaped anyway.
Jen didn't touch her much, she simply stayed and held her hand
For once, there was no pressure to smile.
No pressure to explain.
No pressure to say she was fine.
Just someone sitting beside her while she cried.
Eventually, Jen spoke.
“We need to get you some help.”
Allie's stomach dropped, even more so.
“No.”
“Allie—”
“No. Please.”
“I know you're scared.”
“My parents can't know.”
“They probably need to.”
“No.”
“Allie.”
“No, they'll be disappointed.”
Jen's expression softened.
“Maybe they'll be scared.”
Allie looked at her.
“That's different.”
“I know.”
Jen took a breath.
“But you shouldn't have to carry this by yourself anymore.”
The Voice whispered, coming out of the shadows.
(You don't need anyone)
Allie looked at the floor.
(They'll leave)
She almost believed it.
Then Jen said quietly,
“You don't have to do this alone.”
Allie finally looked at her.
And for the first time that morning, she didn't look away.
“Okay.”
The word was barely audible.
But it was enough.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The counsellor's office smelled faintly of coffee and old books, like how someone’s old office should smell like.
Allie sat curled into the corner of the couch, sleeves pulled over her arms.
She told the counsellor everything, from start to finish.
How it started (backhanded comments, staring at herself too much, anxiety etc.), the eating, the release, all of it.
Jen sat beside her, still holding her hand, offering smiles of encouragement.
The counsellor sat across from them, listening.
She didn't look shocked.
She didn't look disgusted.
She didn't even look particularly surprised.
She simply listened.
When Allie finally stopped talking, there was a long silence.
“Thank you for telling me,” the counsellor said with a warm smile.
Allie's eyes remained fixed on the carpet, picking at the edge of her sleeve.
“What's going to happen now?”
“We'll take it one step at a time.”
The answer wasn't as terrifying as Allie expected.
There was no punishment.
Just a plan, a simple plan.
Huh, how… easy
A doctor.
A therapist.
Regular appointments.
People who knew what they were doing.
And, eventually, her parents.
That part terrified her most.
When her mother arrived, she looked frightened.
Her father looked like he'd forgotten how to speak.
Allie braced herself.
She expected anger.
Disappointment.
Questions.
Allie braced for the worst.
Instead, her parents both crossed the room and pulled her into a hug.
Allie froze.
Then it broke.
They only held her tighter.
“Oh, sweetheart.”
Allie cried into her shoulder.
“We’re Sorry.”
Her Father's voice cracked.
“You don't have to apologise.”
“I should've told you.”
“Yes.”
Allie pulled back slightly.
Her mother wiped a tear from her cheek.
“You should have.”
There was no anger in her voice.
Only sadness.
“But I'm glad someone knows now.”
Allie looked down.
“I didn't want you guys to worry.”
“We are worried.” Her father said.
Allie's heart sank.
“But we’re not disappointed in you.”
Allie’s eyes widened, she snapped up to look at her parents.
They were both smiling, hands out wide for her to take.
She took them.
That sentence stayed with her.
For a long time.