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Dan really isn't a jealous person.
No, for real, he really isn't.
He's actually extremely secure in his relationship and knows Phil would never commit to anyone else but him. (At least, not anyone he has a real shot with, because let's be for real, he's joked about wanting to trade Dan for one of his celebrity crushes one too many times. Dan doesn't trust him as far as he can throw him.)
But despite his greatest efforts, no one ever believed him when he tried to deny it. No, the opposite, even, because those fuckers started taking his denial as evidence against him!
Yeah, so he changed tactics.
Instead of denying it, he started playing into it until it became a bit. A cute inside joke between them and their viewers. Instead of throwing the bait back and getting it dangled in front of him over and over again, he actually bites, giving them the reaction they're expecting, which…doesn't really make their viewers less annoying about it, but it does make it more fun for both sides.
So, no.
Dan is not jealous. It's a bit, and they're having fun with it.
Simple as day.
That said, sitting on the couch backstage right now, watching the bodyguard fix Phil's microphone cable…he is glad their viewers can't see him, because he's not entirely sure he could write this off as playing into the bit.
Which still doesn't mean he's jealous. It's just…
Why is he even in here? It's not like he has to keep them safe from any fans right now. Also, why is he the one fixing his boyfriend's microphone?
Did Phil ask him, or did he just…decide to do it? Which would be weird, right? You don't just walk up to someone and start grabbing at their cables. Except when it's your job, which Dan doesn't think it is. He's a bodyguard, not one of their technicians.
But Phil wouldn't ask him, would he? Dan was right there, for fuck's sake.
Oh, why did he have to doomscroll? Now he doesn't know how this came to be! How is he supposed to know who to blame now?
Dan doesn't even realise his hand is digging into the arm of his chair as the bodyguard says something Dan doesn't catch. Taylor's eyes flick briefly towards Dan as he says it before settling back on Phil.
Phil, instead of just ignoring him, responds with a chuckle, his shoulders shaking with it, and oh, come on. The bodyguard's muscular and fucking beautiful, he can't be funny as well. This—
Oh shit.
Is this…Is he jealous right now?
"Dan, Taylor just asked if your mic's fine or if you need help as well." Phil—finally—steps back, putting enough space between himself and Taylor for Dan's fingers to relax again.
Fucking-gorgeous-Taylor is already looking at Dan, a small smile pulling at his lips as he starts making his way over, when Dan jumps out of his chair and makes a beeline towards the mirror on the other side of the room.
"Nope, perfectly fine on my own, thanks," he presses out through gritted teeth.
Taylor pauses for half a second before nodding.
He doesn't miss the confused look he gets from Phil, but only mouths a silent what? back. Phil presses his lips together but doesn't push and instead sinks onto the chair Dan has just stood up from.
Fucking not-only-good-looking-but-also-funny Taylor also seems to be able to read the room extremely well and only nods before leaving a few seconds later, his eyes briefly finding Dan's in the mirror on his way out.
Dan considers talking about it when he hears Taylor McDreamy closing the door, but decides against it pretty quickly.
So what? He's maybe a teeny tiny bit jealous once, seventeen years into the relationship. Not a big deal. He has feelings, alright.
Besides, they're meant to go onstage in a few minutes, so there's no time anyway.
If he could just…get the annoying cable into place.
By the time they're sitting onstage, answering questions for their preshow, Dan has mostly forgotten about it. He definitely doesn't waste a single thought on their bodyguard, McSexy.
Nope. Not even the tiniest hint of a thought, even.
And he hasn't looked at him standing at the side of the stage in nine, ten, eleven, twelve…
Damn, how can anyone have arms like that while doing absolutely nothing?
How in God's name is this fair?
He tears his eyes away from Arms-to-die-for Taylor—who, annoyingly, seems to have been looking in his direction too—and snatches a piece of paper from Phil to read the question on it. Phil has just answered one about the possibility of mpreg and gone on a rant about how he thinks men would give birth, so it had been easy for Dan to sit there and look horrified.
"Okay, thank you for that, Phil. Next."
He unfolds the paper and starts reading the question while Phil giggles next to him. A real one. Not like earlier with Can't-be-as-funny-as-Dan Taylor. Dan just knows Phil had only laughed to be nice.
"Would you rather fight a hundred pigeon-sized pigeons or one human-sized one?" Dan laughs while reading the question, shaking the piece of paper for extra emphasis. "You get to ask us one question, and this is the one you're choosing? Alright."
The crowd laughs, and Dan can already hear Phil taking a breath to answer when he scans the paper a second time and notices the PS at the bottom.
"Wait, there's more."
Dan's grin falls immediately as he reads it out loud.
"PS: Is Phil single?"
He rips the piece of paper apart and throws it to the side in one swift motion. He can feel his heart beating faster and doesn't even have to pretend much to get his face into an annoyed expression.
But again, not because Dan is jealous.
It's part of the bit.
This is fun!
At least, that's what he tries to tell himself as his gaze wanders over to God-even-his-smile-is-annoyingly-gorgeous Taylor.
For a second, Taylor's eyes meet his, his smile twitching just a little wider before his attention shifts back towards the stage.
"Well, am I?" he hears Phil ask, clearly in on the joke.
It still makes Dan tense up all over again when he sees Blue-eyed-angel Taylor's gaze settle on Phil, that stupid grin still on his lips.
Dan desperately tries to bite back the urge to reach out and grab Phil's hand, wrap him in a possessive hug, or simply make out with him on the spot just to make sure everyone got the message that no, for fuck's sake, Phil isn't single.
But, thankfully, Dan isn't jealous.
So instead of doing any of that, he grabs the mailbox on his lap a little harder and swallows the urge down. He turns back to Phil, forcing a grin back onto his lips.
"So, pigeons, yeah?"
When they hired their bodyguard for the US leg of the tour, it hadn't been because of any real safety issues. Their viewers were respectful most of the time, and except for some mild stalker behaviour, nothing had ever happened that made a personal bodyguard necessary. But after talking to their manager, and just to feel a little safer, they'd made the decision to hire one nonetheless.
Especially Phil had felt more at ease with it, so Dan had been fine with it.
If Phil is happy, so is he.
Except that now, sitting in their tour bus, Dan on one side and Phil on the other with Could-kiss-the-ground-he-walks-on Taylor next to him, Dan deeply regrets ever having made that choice.
In fact, Dan would quite like Phil to be reasonably less happy right now.
They're playing one of the games they'd brought on tour, and it's not like they hadn't asked Dan to play as well. Taylor had even shifted over to make space for him at one point. Dan just…isn't in the mood right now.
Phil, however, doesn't seem too sad about it, and Would've-probably-beaten-him-at-the-game-anyway Taylor is probably even happy about it.
Because now he gets to have Phil all to himself, all giddy and flirty because it's fucking Phil and he's like that with everyone.
But Taylor doesn't know that.
And that's what makes it worse.
Dan just wishes he could tell him to back off, but that would be stupid because then he'd have to admit that he's jealous.
And he's not!
Except maybe he doesn't even believe himself anymore, because he's not too sure what else he should call the burning in his chest that makes him want to literally growl at Could-rim-me-anyday Taylor whenever he gets too friendly.
God, this is fucking embarrassing.
He watches as Phil reaches for another card just as the bus takes a turn and all of the cards in his hand fall to the floor.
"Oops," he says.
But before he can even bend down to pick them up, Apparently-also-a-fucking-gentleman Taylor has already done so and is handing the cards back to him.
Their fingers brush together briefly.
Neither of them even lingers.
Taylor actually looks away almost immediately, his eyes flicking over towards Dan for a second before dropping back to the game.
But something inside Dan snaps at that, and he knows he has to leave the room before he says something he'll regret.
"I'm off to bed," he rushes out.
And before he can properly register Phil's confused expression—or the fact that it's fucking three p.m.—he's already disappearing into his cabin.
Unfortunately, Phil knows him too well and is after him mere seconds later. Dan's just about to climb into his cabin and spend the rest of their drive doom-scrolling when Phil catches his wrist, making escape not impossible, let's be honest, but definitely harder.
Especially when Dan turns around and sees the actual worry on Phil's face, his brows pulled together in concern as his eyes scan over Dan.
Dan almost immediately feels bad and absolutely stupid for every single thought he's had.
"Are you okay? Are you not feeling well or something?"
Dan carefully pulls his hand out of Phil's grip, doing his best not to look him in the eyes.
"No, just tired. Still jet-lagged, I think."
"Yeah? You sure? I could lie down with you for a bit?"
Dan exhales loudly, something inside of him easing. (Not the jealousy, though. Because he was never jealous, of course.)
"In my cabin? Not too sure we'll both fit." He chuckles quietly, and Phil grins.
"I could use you as my pillow."
"Oh, I'm sure you would love to."
Phil nods and intertwines their fingers once more before leaning into Dan and pressing a soft kiss to his lips.
Even after almost a year, it still feels illegal in a way. A gesture so simple, yet it feels nice and exhilarating every single time.
And while Dan usually hopes no one ever sees them, this time he kind of wishes one specific someone would find their way in here.
Dan wraps his arms around Phil's waist and feels Phil's chin nuzzling into his neck.
"Fine," Phil whispers. "Tomorrow at the hotel, then?"
"The entire night, I promise," Dan answers.
"You're lying. Half an hour, and afterwards you'll want to sleep without me on your arm."
Dan chuckles. "Oh yeah, absolutely. But in my defense, you're a drooler."
Phil pulls back just in time to make sure Dan catches him rolling his eyes before pressing another kiss to his nose.
"So, you're really fine? Because Taylor said—"
"Oh my God, of fucking course." Dan interrupts him before he can stop himself.
Phil looks at him, mouth still hanging slightly open as his expression turns from confusion to recognition and then, to Dan's horror, into a wide grin.
"You're jealous," he says, and Dan can't help but think he sounds pleased.
"What?" His voice sounds way too high even to his own ears. "No, I'm not. Why should I be jealous?"
Phil giggles, poking Dan in the side.
"Wha— Hey!" Dan cradles his ribs.
"You are jealous because you think I want something from Taylor."
"No, I'm not. Come on, this is bullshit! Why would I—"
"I knew it! I saw it on your face after Taylor helped me with my microphone."
"Yeah, w— well," Dan sputters. He points at Phil. "I was right there! Why did he even have to help? Also, I don't think you want something from him."
Phil laughs and doesn't even try to hide it. "Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, I think he wants something from you. You should've seen the way he was waiting for an actual answer when the viewers asked if you were single."
Dan crosses his arms.
"Oh, come on, don't be silly. Everyone knows we're together. We made a whole video about it."
"Maybe he hasn't watched it."
"He could've just looked it up if he seriously wanted something from me."
"Well—" Oh fuck, he has a point. "Well, maybe he's not on the internet much."
Phil rolls his eyes once more before his face softens. "You're cute when you're ridiculous."
Dan pulls his brows down, trying his best to remain serious. Phil does have a point, and Dan can see that maybe…he's being a bit delusional. But he's not going to admit defeat.
"I hate you."
"You don't." Phil kisses him once more, firmer this time, his lips moving as if he's trying to get a point across…which they probably are. "You love me, and I love you, okay?" he whispers as he pulls back only enough to be able to speak.
"Promise?"
"Promise. Also, he's way out of my league."
Dan smiles as Phil kisses him one last time before whispering a small, "Sleep well," and turning around to walk back to the other side of the bus again.
It takes Dan a few seconds to register everything that just happened, and just as Phil disappears behind the curtain that separates the cabins from the rest of the bus, he furrows his brows.
"The fuck do you mean, out of your league?"
He hears Phil's laugh long after he has disappeared.
So, maybe Dan is jealous sometimes.
He has recognised as much after Phil confronted him about it. But that had been a slip-up. It's not a regular, recurring situation he finds himself in…so he still wouldn't say that he is inherently jealous.
No, just on rare occasions.
And let's be honest, who wouldn't feel threatened by fucking Outshines-both-Taylor-Lautners Taylor.
But since that day, Dan has mostly been fine. He has accepted that they'll be travelling with this annoyingly attractive bodyguard for a while and that it's absolutely okay. He's just being friendly, probably not even gay and generally just a nice guy. He doesn't show any more interest in Phil than he does in anyone else.
No, after a few weeks, Dan almost doesn't even remember why he'd been so worked up over it anyway.
So, he doesn't think anything of it when he wakes up before Phil and wanders, still half-asleep, into the kitchen, where he finds Even-smoking-hot-fresh-out-of-bed Taylor sitting in the small lounge with another new crew member.
"So, do you think I should just walk up to him and ask him?" Please-say-my-name-with-that-raspy-voice-of-yours Taylor says as Dan walks into the room.
"Oh, I don't know. I know too little about them to answer that, but—" They both freeze when they notice Dan standing there, Taylor going suspiciously quiet all at once.
Dan furrows his brows. "Good morning."
"Sorry, didn't even notice you. Good morning." Taylor straightens a little in his seat as he says it, and the newbie beside him gives him a quick look Dan doesn't understand.
Dan had been about to make himself a coffee, but he decides against it. Instead, he passes the coffee machine and sits down in the lounge as well.
"So, what are you two talking about?" Dan smiles a bit too widely at them, only now realising he's not being particularly casual. He clears his throat. "Or, sorry if I'm intruding."
"Well, I think—" the newbie starts, but gets interrupted by Kind-of-flattered-looking Taylor, whose attention seems to have fixed itself entirely on Dan now.
"No, it's fine. We were just talking about…well, actually, you know what? Maybe you can help us."
"Oh yeah? I'd love to help."
Taylor hesitates for just a second.
"Yeah, I was wondering…are you in a relationship?"
Oh, sneaky bastard.
Sitting there all pretty, smiling at him with that stupid charming smile, all while hoping Dan will give him the answer he's looking for. He's obviously trying to, not even sneekily find out if he can go for Phil.
But Dan's not stupid either and, of course, has gotten the gist immediately.
Dan leans back, crossing his arms as he raises a brow, a smirk pulling at his lips.
Taylor's eyes flick briefly down to it before meeting Dan's again.
The newbie next to him has started to look like he'd quite like to evaporate into thin air, glancing between the two of them like he's suddenly become privy to something he absolutely doesn't want to be part of, and Dan can't blame him. This feels weirdly tense.
But Dan isn't one to back down first, so he keeps the eye contact going.
He could just answer honestly and clear the air, but…he decides to have some fun with it instead.
"You could try and find out, but I won't make it easy," he says, his tone as flat as possible.
Suddenly-really-pink-looking Taylor gulps, and for a moment Dan thinks he's said enough.
But then Taylor smiles a weirdly shy smile, dropping his eyes for a second before looking back at Dan, and Dan doesn't entirely understand what it means…
This was supposed to be threatening!
Thankfully, the weird situation gets interrupted by the rest of the crew wandering into the kitchen at that exact moment, involving Weirdly-behaving Taylor in enough small talk for Dan to sneakily escape.
He's…not entirely sure if he made things better or worse, but he'd been right all along, and for now that's enough.
He'll just have to find the right moment to present Phil with the truth and finally be able to say, "I told you so," before eventually kindly telling Fifty-Shades-of-Taylor off. It's not like the poor guy fell in love with his boyfriend on purpose. Phil just is naturally flirty and beautiful.
Speak of the devil.
"Morn, Dan." Phil yawns as he passes him, then stops mid-step before walking backwards a few metres to look at him. "Why are you so happy?"
Dan deliberately pulls down the corners of his lips.
"Oh, it's nothing."
Phil furrows his brow before sighing. "You know what, it's too early for me to care."
Yeah, and too early for Dan to be able to fully bask in his glory.
They have a show this evening, and Dan really wanted to tell Phil earlier, but they've been surrounded by Boyfriend-snatcher Taylor the whole day…which, Dan supposes, makes sense. It's his job.
But that means he probably won't be able to tell Phil any time soon, which means he'll have to deal with their hot bodyguard smiling knowingly at Dan a concerning amount of times. Dan kind of fears he's given him some sort of underlying permission and Taylor's now just waiting for him to break and take it all back.
But it's worth it, Dan decides, just for the satisfaction of knowing he'd been right all along.
Dan is sitting in the backstage room. They've just gotten back from the meet and greet and are now waiting for the preshow to start.
He doesn't really know where Phil is, and just as he decides to leave the room to search for him and make sure he hasn't been dragged into a corner by I'd-let-him-fuck-me-in-a-corner Taylor, Phil storms into the room.
"Where have you—?"
"No, bitch. Quiet."
"Oh, demanding. I like it."
Phil hits him with the not now stare, and Dan shuts his mouth immediately.
Whatever he's done, it's bad.
Phil closes the door and crosses his arms.
"So, talk."
"I thought I should shut up?"
Phil falters for a moment before pursing his lips and deliberately lowering his brows. "Yeah, well, now I want you to talk."
Dan crosses his arms to mirror him. Normally, he has at least some idea of what he's done. Right now, there's nothing, so he decides to match Phil's temper.
"Mind telling me what I'm supposed to talk about?"
Phil raises a brow. "Taylor?"
Oh no!
So, Phil has already found out. But Dan wanted to tell him!
"Oh, you weren't supposed to know yet!"
Phil opens his mouth and closes it again, confusion clearly written all over his face. "What? Why would you want to wait to tell me?"
"I wanted to enjoy your face when I told you."
Phil takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes.
"Okay," he says. "I don't think we're talking about the same thing. What are you talking about?"
"That Taylor does have a crush on you, which means I was right all along."
"Oh, you naive—" Phil grins, his shoulders already shaking before the first chuckle escapes his lips.
"Why are you laughing? Wait, what were you talking about, then?"
It takes Phil another three minutes to get the laughter bubbling out of him under control and an enormous amount of self-control from Dan to stand there and wait patiently for him to get a single sentence out.
"He's not—"
Dan considers shaking him.
"He's not into me, doofus. He has a crush on you!"
"No, he—" Dan stops. "What?"
Phil pats Dan's shoulder while Dan currently hates everything about this. He shrugs his hand off immediately and pushes his lips out in a pout. This is not how this was supposed to go down. Dan should've been the one laughing.
"The whole time you thought he was into me, he was secretly trying to get to you!"
"You don't know that."
"He told me."
"What?"
"Well, he told me about the morning in the kitchen and said he wanted to clear the air so he wouldn't get between anything." Phil has to bite his lip to keep himself from breaking into laughter again.
Dan can feel his brain desperately trying to connect the dots, and he's sure you can actually see the gears turning in his head.
"But…he asked me if— Why would he—"
"He asked you if you were in a relationship to know if you were free to approach."
"I thought he wanted to—" Dan's eyes widen. "Oh my God. And I told him he could try."
Phil loses the battle, his whole body shaking with laughter. That fucker even brushes tears from his eyes. Where's the supposed dryness now?
"You flirted with him! You have to imagine me hearing that out of context. Oh my God, I was about to be so angry. But I should've known you were just oblivious as heck."
"Oh, shut up." Dan looks away, pout still firmly in place as he kicks at the ground, the room silent except for Phil's stupid giggling.
"How could he not know? I'm obsessed with you… We're glued together at all times. We made a forty-minute video about it!"
"Maybe he's not on the internet much," Phil says between giggles.
"You," Dan says. "Are evil."
"And you have the worst gaydar ever."
"Jealousy made me blind."
"Oh, really now?"
Dan makes a whiny sound before dropping his arms and falling against Phil. "Please never tell anyone about this. I might actually die."
"I can't promise that."
"I hate you."
"You don't."
"Fuck you."
Phil gently pats Dan's head while stroking over his back with the other hand. Dan is about ninety percent sure it's to keep himself from laughing again, but he'll take it.
God, he might never recover from this. He can't believe Apparently-would-fuck-me-in-the-corner Taylor had a crush on Dan. And he spent all this time thinking…
Dan suddenly pulls back.
"What did you answer when he asked if we were something?"
"Oh, I told him he can absolutely approach you."
Dan snaps his head up. "Why?"
Phil grins, shrugging. "You've gotten yourself into this mess."
"I wish people knew how evil you are. Holy shit."
"You love me."
Dan can't stop the grin from forming on his own lips. "Unfortunately."
That night after the show, while they're greeting the last remaining fans at the back door, Poor-oblivious Taylor keeps very close to them.
Dan actually feels kind of sorry for him now that he knows the truth.
So, when they're just about to head back into the venue and someone in the crowd shouts, "Is Phil single?" Dan makes the impulsive decision to grab Phil around the waist, shift him until he's standing in front of Dan, and flip the audience off with his free hand.
"Oi, back off, he's mine!" he yells, immediately hearing the audience go wild.
Phil giggles in his arms, and before Dan can turn around to see if Hopefully-not-heartbroken Taylor has gotten the message, they're already passing through the door.
The second they're inside, Dan pulls Phil even closer and presses their lips together.
Hopefully now, Dan thinks, everyone has gotten the memo that neither of them is, has been for a long time, or will ever again be single