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It was absolutely pouring in the outside but Mel was in the ambulance bay anyway; she needed a break. It had been a tough case and while they'd managed to save the patient it was sticking with her. The girl had looked like Becca. Mel was ignoring the way her sneakers were starting to get damp from where she was standing and the way droplets beginning to hit at her glasses. There was something about the rain that managed to get her back to normal; she'd often leave her windows open when it was raining just for the sound of it.
There was no night sky, here. Just clouds and dark. Not a single star to be seen, and wasn't that just where she was tonight? Locked into the dark and unable to shake it. Mel knew she needed to get back to work but she couldn't bring herself to back inside, not just yet. She wasn't ready. It was so much simpler to just stand here on the edge of the dark and listen to the sound of the rain.
—
Jack was missing a resident. There had been some schedule swaps among the residents for a little while and it didn't really matter to him who was working. Mostly. He was thrilled that Mel was working with him. Originally Jack had thought it was because she was a brilliant doctor; he later learned it was more than that. The attending was developing inappropriate feelings for the blonde and it was not a good thing.
And right now he had no idea where she was. It was surprisingly quiet for the amount of rain outside tonight. Maybe folks were being smart; who knew? Jack snagged Shen and let him know he was taking five before going in search of Mel. He started inside and looked all the hiding spots he'd noticed she had. Nothing. Feet carried him out towards the ambulance bay and that's where he found her, standing just on the line between dry pavement and wet, her toes right where the pavement speckled from light to dark.
"You okay, King?" Jack came to stand next to her, crossing his arms and looking out at the rain but also watching her from the corner of his eye. He saw her flinch, heard how low her voice was.
"I'm fine, Doctor Abbot." Lies, but she would be fine. By the time she got inside Mel would have her shit together. "The patient just looked a lot like my sister."
"Ah." The man's heart went out to her. "That's never easy, Mel. I'm gonna ask you again. Are you okay?" Jack used her name this time. He knew she was lying to him, and that she was lying to herself. She was not okay and he could tell. Everything from her posture to the motions her hands were making gave her away; maybe not to somebody who knew her in passing but Jack had taken the time to learn about her. He told himself it was because she was working under him right now and he did that for all his residents (not a lie) but this one? This one felt different.
"I don't know." It was the most honest answer that Mel could give right now because she wished it had been almost anyone else out here, not the attending she was harboring a secret crush for. Nobody knew; not even her friends. It was something she'd take to the grave. "I've never worked on somebody who reminded me of her before, and it kind of messed with me. I know the patient's going to be okay, and that Becca is safe, but my brain can't help but go to the what-ifs. We don't live together anymore and I might not know if something happened to her." It was one of the things that Mel had struggled with when it came to Becca and Middle Hill. Mel didn't know everything anymore and not only did it hurt, it made her anxious.
Jack truly came up beside her and put a hand on her shoulder, causing her to look at him.
"It gets easier to ignore." Jack's hand seemed to be on fire compared to the rest of him. God above he was finally touching her, even if it wasn't the way he was wanting or hoping for. He'd begun to look at her and that was a miracle in and of itself; the man was slowly getting over his wife. Mel was the first woman to turn his head since his wife had died. It was something he'd had time to come to terms with thanks to his therapist. "I promise."
—
Jack's hand was radiating heat across her shoulders. It cut through all her anxiety, all her whirling and twirling emotions went still at his touch. Her mind went quiet for the first time in a long time.
"I hope so. This wasn't easy in the least." Mel's voice was soft. "I'm sorry I made you come looking for me, I'll go back inside."
"Hey, it's okay. Sometimes we all need a minute. You ever seen me after we treat a veteran?" Jack was surprised at himself, it wasn't something he usually brought up in casual conversation. "We all have our spaces to go. I'm the one out in the ambulance bay. Or the stairs." Or the roof, although that had been happening less and less. Robby had even commented on it. The only thing he had to explain it were those feelings for Mel and he wouldn't tell Robby about that just yet. Mostly because he didn't want to drop a rock into the pond without a solid reason. Only one person could keep a secret. Once it became two people, it was no longer a secret. It was gossip fodder. And this? His feelings for this girl? This needed to stay a secret. "I mean, don't take forever, but it's okay to take five."
Jack's eyes were drawn to the motions of her hands and he squeezed her shoulder. God, he should stop touching her. He shouldn't be touching her and he knew that but he couldn't seem to help himself, even with something as simple as a hand on her shoulder.
"It still doesn't make it feel okay." Mel's words were a confession and the night rain was her priest. "It makes me feel weak."
"You underestimate yourself." Everything inside him said he should remove the hand on his shoulder, especially as hers came up to rest on it. This was crossing a boundary…wasn't it? Robby had hugged Collins all the time. What was it about this that felt so dangerous? "You can take more pressure than you think you can." He marveled at how soft her touch was.
"I hope you're right, Doctor Abbot." Mel glanced at him and her gaze lingered for more than a moment before dropping back to the ground.
"Just Jack right now. Back inside I can be Abbot again but right now, I'm just Jack." He wasn't just crossing boundaries tonight, he was leaping over them. "But I'm right. I've known a lot of people, Mel. A lot of residents and students and Robby and I agree, you're one of the best. You just need to see it."
They stood like that for a little while, his hand on her shoulder and her hand on his, just watching the rain until Jack's Spectralink went off and they were summoned back inside.
Another night, another code, another incident of Jack losing a resident to the comforting darkness of the ambulance bay. It should annoy him when his staff disappeared but he sometimes did the same thing so who was he to criticize if it didn't take too long? He knew Mel had lost her patient; they both had. She'd been working with Shen on one of the siblings, he'd been working on the other with Ellis. In the end the injuries were just too severe and they'd had to call it on them both.
Normally he'd be on the roof because losing two patients at a time fucked with his own head a bit. Instead he was pacing out to the ambulance bay to find his resident sniffling deep in the shadows. He didn't even think to check if anybody was around before pulling her into a hug. She didn't protest being swept into the hug, sinking into the pressure and holding him back, clinging to him like a drowning sailor to a rock.
"I can't tell you it's okay because I'm not okay, either. But it'll be okay, eventually." He think he knew what upset her so much. Jack's voice was quiet in the night. "It's because they were twins, right? Like you and Becca?" Abbot had come to learn that Becca meant everything in the world to Mel. Quite literally everything; Becca was the last family she had. Without Becca, Mel was entirely alone in the world. Becca was her everything.
Mel nodded against his chest.
Oh this was inappropriate. Jack knew that at the core of him because the feelings he had were not good ones for him to have. He wanted to stop her from hurting, and he wanted to kiss the tears off her face. That was where the problem was. His feelings themselves were turning out to be more intense than he'd even been afraid of. Every time found her out here it seemed to get a little worse. He learned more about her out here than he did inside.
Abbot knew who she was inside the medicine but out here he got to see Mel, not just Doctor King. He allowed himself to see her as a whole person and not just a doctor. It was dangerous. He had Mel under his supervision for months and he couldn't afford to let his feelings become…this. Whatever chaos was currently developing and burning under his skin.
"It'll be okay. There's always people we get to save, too. Remember that. You've saved more people than you've lost, Mel." Maybe not in her life but as far as patients went it was true enough. "As traumatic as it is, the numbers speak for themselves. Eventually the wins outnumber the losses." He wasn't lying, either. It was just unfortunate that the losses were what tended to stick. The high of the win eventually wore off but the rocky bottom of a loss left an imprint.
"I hope you're right." Mel spoke for the first time since he'd come outside to find her lingering in the shadows.
"I'll leave you be." He didn't loosen his arms. Neither did she.
"Please don't go yet." Her voice surprised her. Mel hadn't exactly meant to say that bit out loud. "Not if you don't have to." The resident's grip only relaxed when his did. "I understand if you do. I'm sorry I keep coming out here it just seems better than doing this inside."
"I go to the roof sometimes." It was a quiet admission to the night around them. "It's where I'd be right now if I wasn't here. We all go places, Mel. It's not just you." Jack still didn't drop his arms, even if he was keeping a sharp eye on the door and a sharp ear for an ambulance or his Spectralink. The longer he stood here with her in his arms the larger the risk someone would come looking for them. So why was dropping his arms so difficult?
His arms dropped to her waist, causing her to look up at him.
Oh no, no, no. This wasn't good. There was a magnetism here he was struggling to overcome, but she hadn't removed her arms. She wasn't looking away. Jack's Spectralink went off and they broke apart with guilty expressions. The attending was bright red. He wasn't sure he wanted to address this.
"Just come in soon, alright?" Dumb. It wasn't what he wanted to say, but it was the closest he was going to get.
—
Mel took a little time to try and sort through what had just happened. She, the woman who seriously couldn't read a social cue to save her life, thought it had almost felt like he wanted to kiss her.
Which would never be what the man was really thinking, she couldn't fool herself into thinking about it. Mel went back inside after a deep breath but couldn't help the way she kept glancing at him for the rest of the night.
This time it was Jack's turn to vanish; he'd lost a veteran and those always hit him the hardest. Mel wanted to check on him but the man was missing; he was neither in the ambulance bay nor in the stairwell, which left the other place he'd mentioned.
The roof.
Mel slipped away and made her way up to find him standing on the edge, staring down. Her heart leapt when she saw what side of the railing he was on and how close to the edge of the building the man was.
"Jack?" She knew he could hear her sneakers approaching but it was her voice that made him turn and scrub at his cheeks. "You're not okay."
"No." The man shook his head. It was one word with a world of meaning tucked away inside it.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Mel watched the way he leaned against the rail and came to join him.
"No." It would be a vulnerability he couldn't afford. "Tell me the latest story about Becca, instead." Get his mind off it, and it helped to see the way she lit up at the request-slash-demand. Very few people asked about her sister and Jack was one of them. The King sisters were always up to something.
So Mel spoke about Becca's latest exploits at Middle Hill, the upcoming trip they were planning to go look at the zoo and aquarium. It was a nice distraction, enough that it let Abbot get some distance from the patient he'd lost. Jack's hand found hers without even thinking about it. She paused but continued, fully taking his hand as she talked and giving it a soft squeeze.
—
Mel was astounded when he'd asked her to talk about Becca and astonished that he reached for her hand, even if it was just a distraction from his current pain. Eventually Jack was able to turn and look her in the eyes, surprised when her gaze stopped and her voice cut out. He gently raised her chin with his free hand, searching for her eyes.
"I know you hate eye contact. I don't know why. But thank you, Mel." He caught her gaze and held it, coming to rest his hand on her cheek out of reflex. His body was making choices his brain hadn't caught up to yet. "I needed this." I needed you. "Why did you come looking for me?"
"Because you told me that veterans were hard for you, and then I realized I hadn't seen you in a while and I couldn't find you when I looked. I checked the stairs and the ambulance bay and figured you must be up here. You've been there so often for me, Jack." Mel used his name and the man started a little, his eyes widening. "I figured the least I could do was try and be there for you." Mel hadn't moved away from his hand, nor had she had released the other.
Maybe there was something here. She had come looking for him. She had used his name. Here, just the two of them in the depths of the night, Mel was saying his name.
"Mel…" Abbot trailed off, unsure of how to proceed. "Thank you." It was the best he could do as he dropped his hand from her face, but when he did Mel squeezed the hand she was holding.
"Yeah, of course. Whatever I can do." The resident's voice was quiet. "Am I reading into something, Jack?" She glanced down at their hands.
He sighed.
"No. But I'm your boss, Mel." Jack still couldn't release her hand. "I really can't. We really shouldn't." It was so inappropriate and broke the bounds of professionalism in ways that couldn't be repaired.
"So we just…pretend this doesn't exist?" Mel sounded disappointed and dropped her eyes. "Just try and act like nothing's changed?"
"For now, Mel. When you go back to days I won't be your boss anymore. I won’t always be your boss." Jack wanted to pull her close but he hesitated.
"So we wait this out?" It felt like she'd been hit in the gut.
"We wait this out." The attending sounded equally unhappy.
"I don't know how good of a liar I am, Jack. I don't know how long I can pretend." Mel was, in fact, a shitty liar. A really, really, terrible liar.
"It's the only way." He shook his head and squeezed her hand. "It's okay, Mel. It'll be okay."
Time was ticking away but Jack found Mel missing during a particularly nasty storm. She wasn't in the hall or the staff room so she must be outside. He took a breath before heading out into the weather. He wasn't sure what had caused this particular outing, it had been an easy shift so far. He found her in her usual corner.
"What's up, Mel?" Jack leaned against the wall next to her, refusing to let her bear whatever this was alone.
"Just a bad day. No reason behind it. It just…sucks." She was rubbing her hands over her arms again, a bad habit of hers. Jack had noticed she did it while stressed.
"Sometimes you don't need a reason." He was old enough to know that for sure. Abbot quietly reached for her hand deep in the shadows of the ambulance bay. "And that's okay, too. But you pick the worst weather to hide out here in, Mel."
"It means less people come looking for me. Or at least it gives me a little more time before they find me." The resident dropped her eyes even as she shifted to allow their arms to touch. "I'm not always great with people." Not for lack of trying.
"You're good with me." A low rumble of thunder almost drowned him out.
"That's different, Jack, and you know it." Dirty pool. "People think I'm weird, I know they do."
"Would you believe me if I said it didn't matter? Everybody has quirks, Mel. It's the human condition. It's what makes people well, people. It's part of what makes us individuals. And I like your quirks, Mel. I like all of you." It was the first time he'd said the whole thing out loud, rather than just alluding to it.
The words were a record scratch through her brain. Nobody had ever liked her, quirks included. People just tolerated her weirdness. They tolerated her, but this was more than just simple tolerance. But she knew that Jack liked her, didn't he? They'd confirmed that when he'd vanished to the roof. Jack stepped a little bit closer so that her shoulder brushed along his arm, searching for whatever subtle contact he could find. There in the dark felt safe enough for this small sign of affection, and she clung to his hand like it was a tether.
"I guess I don't understand why." Mel hesitated. "Not a lot of people do. You haven't even seen most of them." How could he possibly be alright with all of her quirks?
"I feel like I've seen enough." Jack looked at her. "I've seen enough of you to know you, Mel, and you're more than just a bunch of behaviors in a ball. You're a person." He squeezed her hand again. "And you're a damn good doctor. An excellent sister. A great listener. And you're willing to overlook my own quirks." Like heading to a rooftop when he was stressed out.
"You don't have any, though." Mel sounded doubtful. All she received was a shrug.
"You just haven't seen them fully." Jack had plenty. "You will though, because this…" he gestured between the two of them, "isn't going away." Jack wasn't sure what to make of it.
"No, it's not." It was growing slowly and steadily, but her time on the night shift was winding down. "I'll be back to days soon." This was not the place to be having this conversation but was there ever a spot to have a conversation like this? At least here they could have the pretense of coincidence. "Are you sure, Jack? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared."
"Of what?" But he knew there was a laundry list of things she would have to worry about that would never touch him. Even just being a plain source of gossip would always come down harder on her than him. It seemed to be the nature of gossip; it was harder on the women than the men.
"I don't do well with change." As a bit of an understatement.
That hadn't been on his list of concerns. It was also a fair enough point.
"All we can do is roll with it." Jack looked down at her, hesitant even as there was a peal of thunder overhead, rolling through the night and causing Mel to jump almost out of her skin. He pulled her closer, dropping her hand to wrap an arm around her shoulders. Right now his body mostly hid them…this could theoretically be a normal conversation. "It'll be okay. It might seem like hell right now but it'll all even out."
"I hope you're right." Mel pressed into his side. The pair stood together quietly as the storm raged on around them.
Jack was on the roof again in the gloom of a false dawn. He hadn't heard Mel approach him from behind, but he sensed her energy when she leaned on the railing next to him. Right now she wasn't saying anything at all, just standing quietly next to him. He slipped softly to the other side of the rail so he could stand next to her for real. For some reason he felt safe up here, safe enough to gather her in his arms and hold her tightly.
"You alright, Jack?" Mel's voice was soft enough that he had to strain to hear it. "Because you don't seem okay." And she cared enough about him that it mattered and she wanted to help, if she could. He'd done so much for her over the past several months, he always seemed to find her in the depths of her woes and anxieties. She looked up at him even as she tucked herself into his arms and wrapped hers around his waist. The odds of someone finding them up here were low.
"No." A single word. A world of meaning and weight. Jack was looking at her and it was like he was seeing her for the first time, even though he'd held her like this before. He knew this was a bad idea but he was tired of carrying these feelings for her without a pressure release valve on the box. Right now things were just building and it scared him. The horror of the night was slowly slipping away to be replaced by the soft comfort of the woman in his arms. "Thank you for finding me." He rested his forehead against hers, marveling at how close they were. How easy it would be to kiss her. There were no cameras here. The risk of getting caught was low. There was still a risk.
They stood like that, eyes closed and forehead to forehead, for longer than either of them would admit to, long enough for the first light of true dawn to start creeping into the sky. They were simply seeking comfort in each other's arms and had found that. Jack was struggling not to give in and kiss her. They both had caught feelings, that much was obvious, and had admitted as much in their own way. More importantly, she'd come looking for him when she knew he would be hurting. Twice. Jack wasn't used to people caring about him that way, not unless it was Robby. But Mel had known and searched for him.
Fuck it.
Jack raised her chin with his fingers before kissing her gently, marveling in how soft she was in his arms, even as she kissed him back and leaned closer to his body. It was just that one, single kiss but it changed everything. Mel rested her head along his collarbone and he rested a cheek on her hair and gently rubbed her back.
Nothing had to be said.
This trend continued right until Mel went back to the day shift. They would find each other in the quiet parts of the night when they were hurting, taking the precious time to be together where nobody would notice.
They finally reached a place where they could be together, and Jack was knocking on her door on her day off. Mel opened it and nervously let him, fussing with her braid a little even as he closed the door behind him and he swept her into a kiss and for the first time she could truly settle into his arms. Nobody would see them here. It was so easy to kiss him back, to run her hands through those grey curls and lose herself in him. Mel was entirely relaxed in his arms as he kissed her over and over, marveling in the way her body pressed against his and how much her hesitation had dropped now that they weren't at work. How much his own hesitation had dropped. Jack finally had the chance to run his hands over her and God above she felt amazing under his hands. Her curves seem to fit perfectly against him even as he pulled away.
"That's a hell of a hello, Jack." Mel remained against his body, fingers still running through his hair and marveling that she was finally allowed to touch him. "I appreciate it." She felt his hands run down her waist to settle into the back pockets of her jeans. "Is it weird to say I've missed you?"
—
It should have felt strange to be standing in his resident's apartment kissing her and while some part of him screamed it was dangerous, the rest of him was burning for her. Jack couldn't get enough of her.
"No, because I missed you too." The attending leaned down to kiss her again before breaking apart and leading her to her own couch. "And it's nice that we can get this thing off the ground." He tugged her down next to him, stroking her hair with his fingers. "Without the risk of anybody watching."
"So we're a thing?" Mel pulled him down for another kiss. "Because that would be nice. I like you, Jack. I like you a lot."
"We're a thing, because I like you too." More than he should. And They had both been fighting these feelings for months. "I have for a long time. I'm just glad we're here."
It was a nice place to be, to feel secure in this new relationship even though there would be storms heading their way. They'd be able to tackle anything as long as they tried it together.
Jack kissed her again. He could do this forever and damn the consequences.