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If Kyle barely had anything going for him, he knew he could always fall back on orange juice.
It seemed to be the one thing he could consistently stomach without freaking out to the point of vomiting or tears. Firstly, he didn’t have to chew anything when consuming it, which was automatically a win to him. Kyle often found himself struggling greatly with soft textures, which really meant anything once it was chewed. It sucked, it really did. Deep down he wanted to eat, it was just hard.
Still, Kyle was nineteen now and it was getting harder to continue living this way. Not because of nutrition reasons, he was doing quite well on the formula prescribed to him. It was more in the mental field that he’d been struggling in. Now that Kyle had moved home from Yale and started Colorado State alongside Stan, he’d been much happier than the previous year. They were just going out all the time.
He did like to be social, as much as Cartman claimed he looked like he constantly wanted to murder everyone around him. He was just…embaressed. Mostly of his fucking feeding tube. Having to always carry his feed bag and pump with him in a backpack, the weird looks he’d get from waiters when he passed over ordering anything off of the menu. It made him melt into the floorboards and never come back out.
Kyle wanted real food, he wanted it so badly. He missed being able to enjoy his mothers cooking like he did before the incident but he just couldn’t stomach it. Seeing how worried she was when she saw him during holidays still hurt after all these years. As much as the idea of eating new food terrified him, he wanted to be normal again. Fuck maybe he did need a new therapist…
Sitting on his desk were four white ramekins filled with a small amount of potential new safe foods lined up. He swallowed heavily as he continued his persistent deathglare towards the objects. His scars, still covered by a nice layer of foundation, felt like they were burning against his skin. A near constant reminder of everything he had been through. It was quite literally like a spit to his face.
It felt like food scared him more than the actual ordeal did at this point though. He knew, even if it was harder to remember some days, that there was little to no chance he’d end up back there again. He wasn’t that naive little kid, blindly signing shit without reading it anymore. He feared how food made him feel. Sick, nauseated for hours on end and dirty like he’d consumed something that was inedible even though it clearly was.
Behind him, Stan was being smothered on their bed by both of their dogs. Although they were very well behaved while on duty, both dogs could be absolute nutcases in their free time. Today's driving factor was the fact that Stan was in possession of the biggest carton of goldfish that Kyle had ever seen. Why? Well why did stan do half the shit he did? Kyle honestly wasn’t sure where he got it and he didn’t want to say anything that would encourage Stan to buy another when this one ran out.
“Kyyyyyyy!” The ravenette called out on cue. It was like he had a sixth sense for when Kyle was thinking about him. “How’s that going? Did you try anything yet?”
Kyle leaned back slightly in his chair, scowling slightly. “What do you think Stanley?” He snapped lowly. This was a stupid idea and he was so stressed out. He wanted to quit so badly, but he feared it would just make him look more pathetic then he probably already did. He heard rustling behind him and a quiet woof coming from Delta. When the redhead glanced back to check, Stan was now sitting on the edge of his bed.
“Okay,” he said softly. “That’s fine, we can take it slow.” Stan offered him a reassuring smile. “What looks the least scary right now?”
Kyle swallowed shakily and looked down at his options. A tiny portion of five foods were laid out in front of him. A small chunk of bagel with butter, grapes, some of Stan’s goldfish, applesauce, and a small chunk of grilled chicken they’d gotten from the cafeteria solely for this occasion. He didn’t want to eat any of it but that just sounded bratty and childish. With a sigh, he cautiously took one of the ramekins.
“...The chicken, I guess.”
“All you need to do is take a little bite. You don’t even need to eat the whole thing.” Stan encouraged. Kyle nodded in response and took another deep breath.
“I can spit it out if I need to?”
“You can.”
With a small grimace, the redhead tore a smaller piece off the chunk of meat and popped it into his mouth. The first thing he noticed was how ridiculously bland it was. He wasn’t sure if that was purposeful or not but it made everything a bit easier. The chicken was kind of stringy and hard no matter how many times he chewed it. As difficult as that made it to actually swallow the chicken, it made it easier to actually psych himself up to do so. It wasn’t until Kyle had actually swallowed the food that he realized how thick the silence that had fallen over the room was.
“I don’t think I hated that.”
He watched his boyfriends face light up in barely contained excitement. Stan looked as if he were debating if he wanted to jump up and run around or remain “calm.” He was grinning like an absolute fool at Kyle and the taller of the two could feel his face starting to flush. Stan looking at him like that even when all he had done was eat the world's smallest piece of chicken felt ridiculously embarrassing and endearing at the same time.
“Dude!”
Oh he was dumb. So dumb and so cute.
“Dude.” Kyle rolled his eyes with a sheepish grin of his own.
After a little pause to take in what had just happened, Kyle turned back to the food on the desk. He had to admit he wasn’t as confident about the others as he had been for the chicken. He could picture the texture of each item just looking at them and he couldn’t say he was pleased. Clearly he was anxious. At some point, Noble had hopped down and began pawing at his bouncing leg. He reached over to lightly scratch the giant schnauzer's ears.
Eventually he settled on the applesauce. It was thinner so it would probably be easier than his other options to choke down. He couldn’t remember being crazy over those little cups, but when he was younger literally anything was better than bananas. God they were probably the worst food in the world and now even lower on his disgust list, if that was even possible. Kyle took the plastic spoon from the table and scooped up a small amount.
He knew he was fucked the second it hit his tounge.
The applesauce was almost slimy and gritty, it sat as a mushy blob on his tongue. He tried to swallow it, he really did, but the nausea that he’d been experiencing since he started hit him like a brick wall. Kyle gagged and lunched for the garbage can sitting beside his desk. He knew the action was going to make him dizzy, but it was either that or vomiting on the desk. He retched and vomited up a small amount of food mixed with stomach bile.
He didn’t realize Stan had moved until his boyfriend’s hand was on his shoulder as he continued dryheaving. Kyle vaguely felt the other hand running over his trembling shoulders. He wasn’t…he wasn’t back there. He wasn’t in that horrible lab again. He wasn’t a kid, he was nineteen and in college. He had his partner, his dogs and everything he’d ever wanted as a kid. He didn’t need to spiral, he didn’t. He was okay and safe and protected.
He could feel himself being lifted off the chair and placed onto the solid ground. Was it him who was shaking that hard? There was something heavy on his lap but all he did was close his eyes and lean against the wall. He needed a minute or ten to try and pull himself out of this. Sometimes the flashbacks could last for hours, which he really hoped wasn’t the case for tonight.
When Kyle finally did open his eyes, he wasn’t sure how much time had really passed. It seemed darker than it had been before, his trembling had significantly lessened and the trashcan had been emptied. Noble was the heavy thing on his lap, his service dog was laying there doing DPT. Kyle blinked and looked around the room. Stan was seated a few feet in front of him, mindlessly scrolling through his phone.
“Hey.” Kyle finally murmured after a few more seconds of silence. Stan casually looked over at him and smiled. He scooted a little closer, still not quite touching Kyle.
“You didn’t have to clean up my mess y’know. I could have done it.”
Stan nodded in agreement. “Yeah, I know.” He said. “I’ve known you for a long time dude and you’re more than capable.” He continued to reassure his boyfriend. “I just needed something to do.” A slight smile graced Kyle’s lips as he let out a teeny, breathy laugh.
“Do you wanna keep going or stop for the night?”
The response from Kyle was instant. He shook his head no and actually laughed this time. “Oh absolutely not.” The redhead leaned forward to take a peak at Stan’s phone.
“What the fuck are you watching?”
Stan grinned and angled the phone towards Kyle to properly show off the video. “So it’s one of those dogs who talk using the buttons in front of him. I know Delta is like three times the size of him but I think she could learn how to do that too.” Kyle leaned against the other boy and hummed. His little flashback affirmations were true. He was safe and he was older, he didn’t have to worry about going back because he had people who would never let that happen.