Archive of Our Own

Keonho had been zoned-out for the past ten minutes, mindlessly placing his gaze on Seonghyeon’s side-profile.

Could you blame him? He was gorgeous. Keonho believes that Seonghyeon is the most beautiful creation the world has been graced with. He couldn’t help but stare, nothing could ever change his opinion on Seonghyeon.

Perfect.

And it’s not even just his looks – he has the best personality too. He’s attentive, and intelligent, and so, so kind. Keonho almost thinks it's unfair, how perfect Seonghyeon is. But there isn’t any envy in Keonho’s thoughts. There isn’t anything negative he could say about Seonghyeon. Just pure admiration and genuine love.

Keonho had let those feelings sit for the longest time. He had known he loved Seonghyeon for a while now, and it wasn’t some huge revelation. Loving Seonghyeon just came naturally to him.

Well, it wasn’t a huge revelation, but him finally realizing it made him spiral every night just thinking about it. Being in love with Seonghyeon.

His best friend. The one who had been with him during all his phases as they grew up together. His number one. The person he could lean on for everything.

Everything except his own feelings.

That was the thing about loving Seonghyeon that makes Keonho sad. He could never tell him about these feelings. He never wants to ruin what they have. He doesn’t know how Seonghyeon feels, and Keonho wouldn’t dare to ask.

Keonho may be bold and eccentric – according to his friends – but he wouldn’t ever try to pry into Seonghyeon’s heart.

The truth is, Seonghyeon isn’t the type of person to open up, or talk about his feelings ever. Despite the two being so close, Keonho has maybe gotten Seonghyeon to open up only a couple times over the years. (Though, Keonho does treasure that he’s the only person that gets told these things by Seonghyeon.)

Still, Keonho wouldn’t wanna force anything out of Seonghyeon – especially not something like this. Something that puts their friendship at risk. Keonho would rather stay Seonghyeon’s best friend than nothing at all.

Keonho tells himself he’s fine with just friendship, but there is always a part of him that wants more. A part of him that tells him to be selfish and try to win over Seonghyeon’s love. That part of him wants to feel Seonghyeon’s body close to his, while whispering how much he loves him. It wants to let Seonghyeon know just how hard his heart beats for him. It wants to spill out every single secret thought he’s ever had about Seonghyeon.

He doesn’t give him, no matter how much it hurts him. Keonho always puts Seonghyeon first. His feelings can be set aside if it means Seonghyeon will continue to smile at him.

Seonghyeon’s smile… that’s probably Keonho’s favorite thing in the world. The way Seonghyeon’s eyes crinkle, and the dimple that forms on his cheek – oh, don’t even get him started on that dimple. That might be Keonho’s second favorite thing in the world. And Seonghyeon’s pink, plump lips. Such a pretty shade of pink, and they always looked so smooth too. Keonho had imagined those plush lips meeting his way too many times.

“Keonho?”

He jumped, snapping out of the trance he was in. Keonho looked at Seonghyeon’s concerned face. That expression on his face was performing some sort of magic on Keonho’s heart.

Keonho glanced around, the rest of their friends looking at him with faces of confusion as well. He had been spacing out this entire time, and the boy he was thinking about happened to be the one to bring him back to reality.

Seonghyeon tilted his head, “Are you okay? You’ve been looking at me the entire time, but you weren’t responding.”

“Uh-,” Keonho sputtered for a moment, then gave a lopsided grin, “Yeah. I was just… uh… yeah.”

Wow, good one, Keonho.

The other’s expression of worry didn’t falter. If anything, it looked like he became even more worried after Keonho’s half-assed response, “You’ve been doing that a lot lately.”

Keonho pressed his lips into a thin line. What was he even supposed to say to Seonghyeon? ‘Oh yeah, I’ve been doing “that” a lot lately because I’m madly in love with you.’ 

Yeah, no, that’s not happening. How could Keonho ever be truly honest with Seonghyeon?

He dropped his gaze to his lap for a moment, then met Seonghyeon’s eyes again, letting out a laugh. It was a small chuckle, and sounded so forced, “What? You’re imagining things, Hyeon-ah,” Keonho cringed internally at how weird he sounded.

Seonghyeon only stared back at him, his eyes squinting. It was as if he was studying Keonho, trying to read every single movement he made. Keonho really did not want to be perceived right now.

The boy eventually let out a huff, a small smile returning to his lips, “Okay then,” he turned his head away, facing the whole group again.

“Oh, you noticed we’re here too,” James commented dryly, which earned a kick in the shin from Keonho.

Keonho rolled his eyes, “Shut up.”

Martin smirked, “You were looking at Seonghyeonie the entire time, I started to wonder if we were even your friends too,” he nudged Juhoon next to him, turning his full attention to the shorter, “Right, Jju?”

“Mm,” Juhoon hummed back, resting his eyelids as he leaned into Martin’s nudge.

Hypocrite, Keonho thought as he narrowed his eyes at Martin and Juhoon.

Martin caught his stare and raised an eyebrow, “Bro, what are you looking at.”

Keonho only narrowed his eyes more, “I’m judging you. You’re sus bro.”

“Who the hell says that?? And how am I ‘sus’?!”

“I say that,” Keonho refuted, pointing a finger at Martin, “you hypocrite.”

Despite his teasing, Keonho couldn’t help but feel almost envious at how Juhoon could be so obvious about the way he feels for Martin. That eiffel tower was just evident about his feelings – if anything, he was even more obvious! Keonho wished he had that kind of luck.

Seonghyeon is way too hard for him to read. Keonho wished he could get just one hint to the way the other felt about him. He wants to be stupidly clingy to Seonghyeon and not feel like he has to restrain himself.

Juhoon, still half-resting against Martin’s shoulder, opened one eye as he stifled a giggle, “You two are always like this.”

“He started it!” The two shouted in unison.

James snorted, “Keonho’s lowkey got a point. I mean, look at you,” he gestured to Juhoon’s clinginess.

“Hyung…” Martin groaned.

Seonghyeon laughed quietly beside them, and Keonho’s attention instinctively snapped toward him, and there it was again. That stupid smile.

Keonho couldn’t help but stare. The tiny giggle Seonghyeon let out was music to Keonho’s ears. He wanted to record his giggle, convert the audio into an MP3 file, and play it on loop for the rest of his life. Keonho thinks that if he could make Seonghyeon laugh just by talking, then he’d talk forever.

He took way longer than he needed to look away from Seonghyeon’s face, trying to revert his attention to him and Martin’s bickering. But when he looked back, Martin already had a devilish smile on his face.

Warmth spread onto Keonho’s face, “Can you stop?”

“I didn’t say anything.”

Keonho glared, “I know what you’re thinking.”

James leaned back, huffing a long breath, “This is getting way too embarrassing.”

“What is?” Seonghyeon asked, glancing between the four boys.

“N-Nothing,” Keonho sputtered out way too fast. He caught Seonghyeon’s expression, and he felt his heart sink a little. He looks a bit sad.

Oh no, what if Seonghyeon thinks we’re leaving him out? I don’t want to make him feel that way- Hyeonie, I wish I could tell you.

“Our Keonie is being weird, don’t you think, Hyeon?” Martin added.

“Am not!”

Seonghyeon laughed again – Oh, I’m glad he doesn’t have that hurt expression anymore – shaking his head, “You guys are so ridiculous.”

Seonghyeonie looks way too pretty. He should smile forever.

Keonho let out a lovestruck chuckle, though it was more of a breathless huff. He couldn’t contain the dopey grin that formed on his face, he really admired his best friend. It took just one quirk up of Seonghyeon’s lips to completely distract Keonho, blurring everything into the background.

The group descended into casual chatter, but Keonho was barely engaged. He was back to gawking at Seonghyeon.

The most beautiful thing I have ever seen. My feelings are way too strong, I don’t know if I can contain them anymore. I’m sorry, Hyeonie. 

He stared and stared, watching Seonghyeon exist. Every minor reaction to the conversation happening in front of them, every small movement he made with his hands, and then up to when Seonghyeon looked at his phone. He watched as Seonghyeon’s face shifted into something close to panic. Seonghyeon wasn’t so expressive with his facial expressions, but Keonho could still see it.

“Shit,” he cursed, standing up abruptly, “I completely forgot there’s supposed to be a meeting. I’ll see you guys later.”

Keonho walked Seonghyeon’s quick stride, the warmth he felt next to him quickly leaving. Seonghyeon had barely been gone, and he already missed feeling and watching his presence.

Wow, Keonho was really gone.

“Dude, you’ll see him later, quit sulking,” Martin quipped, a teasing glint in his eyes, “And you can take your eyes off him for two seconds, he’ll be fine.”

Keonho’s pout deepened, “I take breaks from looking at him!”

James raised an eyebrow, “Do you?”

“Yes!”

The three stared at him, giving him a look that clearly thought otherwise. Keonho groaned, deflating onto the table. He buried his head in his arms.

“Seriously though, are you ever gonna confess your feelings? Or will this just be how it is for the rest of your guys’ lives,” Juhoon asked.

“Mmph,” Keonho mumbled into his arms, lifting his head but keeping his chin resting on the table, “I couldn’t ever tell him. And us being best friends is enough for me.”

Juhoon tilted his head, “Is it?”

Keonho met their eyes, boring into his soul as his turmoil boiled within him, “Yes.”

It looked like none of them believed him again, “I’m serious! I can’t ruin what me and Seonghyeon have. If best friends is all I can have, then that’ll be it.”

“Well,” James started, “you’ll never know unless you don’t tell him. You keep thinking about what will happen if he doesn’t feel the same, but what about if he does feel the same? There is a chance for him to reciprocate, right?”

“You don’t know that,” Keonho refuted.

“Neither do you.”

Keonho chewed his bottom lip, diverting his eyes. He did not want this false hope, because he knows it won’t go anywhere. He refuses to acknowledge the hope sitting in the bottom of his heart, slowly rising. He had imagined this scenario one too many times, and it’s way too good to be true. No way.

Martin chimed in, “I personally think he feels the same. I mean, we’re all best friends, right? But you guys are like… super best friends. I probably only know like, a quarter of what you know of him, and I’ve known him longer! He’s so closed off to us, but so open to you.”

“We’re best-”

“Don’t even start with that,” Martin cut Keonho off, raising a hand, “Don’t you get it? He’s different with you.”

Keonho puffed his cheeks, lowering his head more into his arms, “...why would he be different with me?”

A sigh escaped Juhoon’s lips, “Because he likes you? I feel like there’s no other explanation for it.”

Keonho shook his head, “Ugh! No way… I don’t wanna hear things that aren’t true…”

“It is true,” James face palmed, “and you won’t realize that until you actually talk to him about the way you feel.”

“That’s…” Keonho rested his cheek against his forearm, “scary,” he looked down as he thought carefully. The feeling in his heart grew bigger, that part of him telling him to listen to them.

Maybe… just maybe, Keonho should give in.

It wouldn’t hurt to try, would it?

Keonho slowly sat up, deliberately avoiding the others’ eyes, “But… maybe you guys are… right.”

“Exactly! So go do it!” Martin exclaimed.

“Are you guys sure though..?”

“Yes!” The three cried out in unison.

He pursed his lips, thinking really carefully.

If he had confessed… what would he even say? He had pictured this many times in the past, but actually putting it in practice had never crossed his mind. His imagination wandered, Seonghyeon appearing in his head.

“Hyeon-ah, I have feelings for you. Please accept them!”

Seonghyeon would then look at Keonho with those same soft eyes he fell for, that damn dimple forming too.

“Oh, Keonho. I have feelings for you too. Let’s be together.”

Ugh, no way. Seonghyeon would never say that. Keonho couldn’t believe he just mischaracterized his own best friend slash crush!

Maybe it would go something like…

“Seonghyeon…”

Keonho would take Seonghyeon’s hand into his, and he would act almost like a prince.

“I love you. Will you accept my feelings for you?”

And Seonghyeon would gasp, his pale cheeks growing warmer. He almost resembles a princess, so pretty and pink

“Yes! I love you, Keonho!”

Yeah, not a chance.

“Yah, you’re zoning out again,” James’ voice cut through Keonho’s imagination, “whatever you’re thinking – if it’s bad, it isn’t true. Just tell him like a normal person.”

“I can’t be normal about Seonghyeon!” Keonho cried.

Martin snickered, “At least you got something right,” he said, receiving a glare from Keonho.

“Ignore him,” Juhoon gestured to Martin, which resulted in a ‘hey!’ from the boy, “Seonghyeon is a very understanding person, you know this more than anyone. He would never make things weird if he didn’t feel the same – which I highly doubt.”

That sent Keonho into deep thought again. That is true, Seonghyeon is very understanding. It’s another thing Keonho admires about him – his patience and empathetic nature.

That might be worse. Seonghyeon knowing about Keonho’s feelings, not feeling the same, but still staying by his side. Keonho imagines Seonghyeon might try to distance himself, so that he could help Keonho lose those feelings. Seonghyeon was always the kind of person to help solve other people’s problems. He’s always there for others. 

Keonho wouldn’t want that. He would never want to lose these feelings he has for Seonghyeon, and he wouldn’t want to burden Seonghyeon with his feelings when he wasn’t asked to.

“Aaaand, he’s spiraling again,” Martin noted.

“I just don’t know!” Keonho moaned, folding forward onto the lunch table, “This is the worst…”

James stepped in, grabbing Keonho’s shoulder and shaking him to sit up, “What we are trying to say is–no matter the outcome, Seonghyeon will always care for you. He would never hate you. So just tell him. You shouldn’t bottle this up anymore.”

Keonho’s throat bobbed. He hesitantly thought about everything again. Seonghyeon will always be there for him… yes, that made him sad, but it’d be better than him hating him.

And that part of Keonho crept up again, saying, ‘There’s a chance he does feel the same. Tell him.’

…Okay.

Keonho decided – he would listen to his friends, and that part of him he hated so badly.

He truly doesn’t know how Seonghyeon would react, so maybe he should just go for it and tell him.

Yeah. Okay. Keonho is gonna do it.

He made eye contact with his friends again, slowly nodding his head, “Okay… thanks guys. I- I think… I’m gonna tell him. After school today.”

The three didn’t have a big celebration, but instead gave reassuring smiles. They were right behind him if things were to ever go wrong. Keonho felt a pit in his stomach growing as soon as he said the words and saw their faces, but he couldn’t back down now.

As if on cue, the bell rang, signalling the end of their lunch break. As the four of them stood up and started walking back to their classroom, Keonho’s mind stayed occupied on what he would say to Seonghyeon. 

When they walked into the classroom, Seonghyeon had already been there, at their shared desk. His usually blank face had slightly lit up at the sight of Keonho. It made that feeling in his heart rise once more, and Keonho gained the tiniest sliver of hope once more.

He sat down next to Seonghyeon, trying to give one of his casual smiles, “Do you have a meeting after school today too?”

Seonghyeon exhaled, “Yeah. Do you have practice?”

“Mhm,” Keonho hummed in response. He swallowed, his next words coming out slightly shaky, “Do you wanna hangout at my house after?”

The other boy smiled at him, and it felt like Keonho was blessed with heaven in that moment, “Yeah, I’ll wait for you like always.”

Keonho’s heart basically just melted right then and there. He was so easy for that smile. His chest was pounding way too hard against his ribs, and he had no idea how he was going to try to get his feelings across without looking like an idiot.

–

Keonho dropped onto the wooden bench, staring blankly at the floor between his feet. He hadn’t done his best at practice today. His coach asked him if something was bothering him, why he wasn’t completing his laps as fast as he usually did. Keonho shrugged him off, telling him he just had a rough day at school – which isn’t necessarily wrong, but he wasn’t about to tell his coach about his huge, embarrassing crush on his best friend.

I’m going to die, he thought to himself.

The locker room was mostly empty now, the sounds of his teammates filtering in and out and becoming more distant as everyone slowly left. Water dripped from the ends of his hair, the chlorine still clinging to his skin despite the shower he’d taken.

The entire time during practice – in the pool, in the shower, on the bleachers chatting with his teammates – he couldn’t stop thinking about Seonghyeon.

Well, Keonho never stopped thinking about Seonghyeon. He was particularly more distracted by the fact he was actually going to hang out with him alone at his house. He was going to confess.

He was going to confess.

“Ugh…” Keonho groaned, feeling his stomach twist. He dropped his head into his head, ruffling through the damp strands.

Why did he agree to this? Why was he actually listening to his friends for once?

That wasn’t really fair to them, they had given Keonho really good advice, and new insight about his feelings. Though, it led Keonho to spiral about an entirely new idea. Their advice was so good, yet it feels like the worst decision he had ever made.

Familiar friends echoed through his head.

“He’s different with you.”

“He likes you.”

“Just tell him.”

Keonho sat up, leaning his head back as he stared at the ceiling. Just tell him. Yeah, easier said than done. Thanks, James-hyung.

He slowly sat up from the bench, removing the towel round his neck and drying the rest of his body off. He changed into the polo and slacks of his school uniform, grabbed his bag, and forced himself to leave the locker room.

He was going to do it. Today was the day.

Why can’t I think straight?!

Keonho exhaled slowly, lifting his head from the pavement. Seonghyeon was already outside, waiting outside the pool gate. He stood with his hands tucked into his pockets, school bag hanging over his left shoulder. His hair looked a bit messy, probably from the long day. He had been through two council meetings in one day, and probably had even more work to do.

Maybe Keonho shouldn’t do it today. Timing is everything, and he didn’t wanna add more to Seonghyeon’s plate.

But the way his expression softened when he noticed Keonho melted every other thought away. Seonghyeon’s lips curved into a small smile, “Done?”

How can someone be this perfect?

Keonho couldn’t help but mirror Seonghyeon’s small smile, “...Yeah.”

Seonghyeon nodded, “Let’s go then.”

And then they were walking together. This was normal for them, they did this almost everyday. Why was Keonho treating this so much differently? It’s not any different for Seonghyeon right now, so Keonho should just calm down.

It was silent. Keonho loved their silence, because they could just be in each other’s presence without saying anything, and it wouldn’t feel awkward. Neither of them would feel the need to feel it, since they were so comfortable with each other.

Whenever there wasn’t silence, it was mostly Keonho doing a lot of the talking. He always had some sort of story to tell Seonghyeon about his day, whether it was something that happened at practice, Martin ragebaiting him, or a random thought he had during the day that he couldn’t get out of his head.

That random thought just happened to be… Seonghyeon himself. That’s definitely way too weird to use as an icebreaker. He couldn’t focus on anything else but Seonghyeon the entire day.

So, he was silent. Keonho was convinced this was some sort of torture method.

He would glance at Seonghyeon every few seconds. He took note of his calm expression, his neat uniform, the way his hair moved whenever the wind passed.

He needed to say something. He felt like he was going to explode right then and there if he didn’t say anything.

“Your… your meeting go okay?” Keonho stammered, trying his best to steady his voice.

Seonghyeon looked up at Keonho, “Yeah.”

“That’s good,” the other nodded.

“Mm.”

There was silence again. Yeah, torture method.

Keonho swallowed, clearing his throat, “Practice was tiring today.”

“I figured.”

Keonho’s grip on his bag tightened, his knuckles slightly turning white. He wanted to scream, Why couldn’t he just talk to Seonghyeon like a normal person?!

He stole another glance at Seonghyeon, who was staring straight ahead. No matter how hard Keonho tried, he could never tell how the other was feeling. He wondered if Seonghyeon could hear how loud his heart was beating, it felt loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear.

After a few more beats passed, Seonghyeon looked at Keonho again, “You’re quiet today.”

Keonho nearly tripped over his own feet, pressing his lips together, “Am I?”

“Mhm.”

That same expression from earlier in the cafeteria – when he first caught Keonho zoning out – appeared once more. That was going to be the death of Keonho.

“I’m just a bit out of it today,” he mumbled.

Seonghyeon hummed, and he didn’t push further. His eyes lingered for a moment, before looking ahead once more. They continued walking in silence, and Keonho’s thoughts wandered again.

What if he told him right here, right now? On the sidewalk, walking home together. Isn’t that romantic?

He imagined him saying it.

“I like you.”

Seonghyeon would stop walking. Keonho would turn around, and look at him in complete awe.

His expression would fall. He’d say:

“I’m sorry.”

He would walk in the opposite direction, take the long way home, and that’s where they split up for the day.

Keonho could feel his stomach drop as he pictured the scenario. Yeah, there was no way he would try to do it here. He couldn’t ruin the moment right now, he needed to wait until they were somewhere private. The comfort of Keonho’s house would maybe soothe him if he got rejected.

Eventually, they reached Keonho’s house. This was a familiar scene, the pair walking through the front door and kicking their shoes off. Usually, they’d be giggling and rushing themselves up the stairs to Keonho’s room, but the only noise was being emitted from the TV playing.

He’d seen Seonghyeon make himself at home countless times, he had practically memorized Keonho’s house as if it were his own.

They settled in Keonho’s room after a few moments, sitting on the floor leaning against the bed. They sat close to each other, like always, but Keonho could feel every inch that separated them. He was practically jittering, his fingers constantly reflexing as he watched Seonghyeon take a notebook out of his school bag.

“Why are you so nervous?”

Keonho froze, “Huh?”

Seonghyeon lifted his head to face Keonho, “Stop doing that. You’ll get a cramp,” he gently placed a hand on Keonho’s right hand, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Keonho felt the warmth of Seonghyeon flow through his veins, and it was all because of one simple touch. He froze, swallowing hard. He glanced at Seonghyeon’s expression. It pained Keonho to see that same worried look once more.

Of course Seonghyeon noticed. Please don’t look at me like that again, my heart can’t take it. If you give me that look again, I’ll lose control and tell you everything I had been keeping inside.

“Yeah,” he croaked out.

Seonghyeon didn’t reply. He continued to stare, his eyes darting all over Keonho’s face. He was waiting for a follow up.

And Keonho was a weak man.

“...Actually,” he started, his voice barely coming out, “there… has been something on my mind.”

The other boy’s expression softened, “Okay.”

“I guess I’ve just…” he looked away, fixing his gaze on the floor, “I’ve just been thinking about this for a long time.”

“Mhm.”

Keonho swallowed, forgetting every single word he had rehearsed in his head, “I- uh- don’t really… know how to say it.”

“Take your time, Keonho.”

Seonghyeon’s hand remained on top of Keonho’s and it amplified every emotion he was feeling. His responses only made everything worse. Seonghyeon really is the kindest person he had ever met. He was so trusting, so gentle, and oh so patient with Keonho. He didn’t deserve to be put in this situation.

Why are you being so nice to me?

“I…”

His throat went dry, the word sitting on the tip of his tongue.

“If I said something, then… would our friendship be ruined?”

He watched Seonghyeon blink in surprise, his eyebrows furrowing as a flash of confusion glinted in his eyes. He’s silent for a few moments, then turns his entire body to face Keonho.

“No,” he stated, “Never. You’ll always be my best friend, and nothing will ever change that.”

In that moment, it was like Keonho could hear his heart breaking. His chest started to hurt at Seonghyeon’s sincerity. 

“...Me too.”

Every part of Keonho’s mind and body was screaming at him. He refused to meet Seonghyeon’s reassuring gaze, burying himself in shame. He wanted to slam his head into a wall.

He spiraled in his thoughts, and Seonghyeon was still right beside him, waiting for Keonho to slowly open himself up to the other.

He couldn’t say it anymore. The words refuse to come out, and he wants to respect Seonghyeon’s words.

Nothing will ever change that.

Seonghyeon had said it himself. Nothing would change.

But that was the problem. Under no circumstance would things change? If he were to confess his feelings right now, they would only stay best friends?

Of course that’s how it would be, Keonho scolded himself, you’re an idiot for thinking otherwise. All his courage disappeared completely, and he felt completely defeated.

“Keonho?”

“I like- I like being your friend. You’re my best friend too. My… my bestest friend. Always.”

Tears threatened to spill in the corners of his eyes, frustration and heartbreak mixing together. He couldn’t look Seonghyeon in the eyes and tell him he loves him.

He felt Seonghyeon watching him very carefully. He hated his observant gaze, the worry in his eyes. Seonghyeon lowered his voice to a private murmur, “What are you trying to tell me, Keonho?”

Keonho couldn’t handle the way Seonghyeon said his name. 

“I just wanted to tell you that…” his voice became quieter, the sting in his eyes becoming unbearable, “that I’m really glad I have you with me. I like…”

Come on.

“I…”

Say it.

“I like being around you, Hyeon. I’m really glad you’re my best friend.”

Keonho felt himself internally cringe. That was definitely not the words that he wanted to come out with.

You idiot, Keonho. Why can’t you just say it?

“Oh,” Seonghyeon blinked, “you said that already, silly,” he giggled, a soft edge in his voice. “I’m really glad you’re mine too.”

Keonho finally met Seonghyeon’s eyes again, and it was like he fell in love with him all over again. That smile… oh, how Keonho was easily put into a trance just by the smallest smile from Seonghyeon. It only made Keonho’s heart feel even heavier.

He felt every emotion at once, and Seonghyeon was the center of it all. Seonghyeon is the most pure thing in the world. The kindest, most thoughtful, considerate person ever. He has such a big heart, full of genuine love. Keonho never considered himself worthy of receiving that love.

Right now, he had never been more convinced he was unworthy of it. Of course Seonghyeon couldn’t see him past anything but best friends. 

Keonho shouldn’t be so upset about Seonghyeon being so kind about this. Naturally, Seonghyeon would be nice to him.

He matched Seonghyeon’s smile. It was the saddest smile he had ever given him, “Yeah.”

And when he watched Seonghyeon’s patient expression, as if he was waiting for Keonho to have any more to say, Keonho’s chest only got heavier.

The two sat in silence for most of their hang out. Keonho observed Seonghyeon work on his homework, and their hands were still on top of each other.

Keonho doesn’t end up confessing.

–

Keonho had spent all night thinking about the events from their hang out.

You’re hopeless, Keonho.

As he got dressed for the school day, he came up with a totally foolproof plan to get rid of his feelings: he was going to give Seonghyeon some space.

It only makes sense in Keonho’s head for him to start distancing himself from Seonghyeon. Keonho would stop being around him so much. It was reasonable, and respected the boundaries that Seonghyeon had created. They were strictly best friends, so Keonho needs to restrict his feelings so they’re only… best friend feelings. (Was that a thing?)

He left his house, taking his usual route to school. He kept his eyes low, trying to focus on everything else except Seonghyeon.

Usually, they’d meet up at the corner of the school gate and walk together from there. But today, Keonho isn’t going to wait. Instead, he’ll just walk inside.

“Keonho.”

He froze, hearing that familiar voice. The softness in the way his name was called melted his heart, and he was turning his head before his brain could stop him.

There he was. Seonghyeon, walking toward Keonho with that stupidly pretty smile on his face. Keonho’s heart skipped a beat at the sight. His chest tightened.

No, no, no, no! Stop, heart!

“Hey,” Seonghyeon greeted as he reached Keonho, “did I make you wait long?”

Keonho’s throat went dry, “Um. No.”

Seonghyeon’s smile grew slightly wider, and Keonho thinks he died at that moment. They walked toward the school building together in silence, just like yesterday when they had walked home together.

This was not how I planned this to go.

“So-”

“Sorry, Seonghyeon. I just remembered I left something in the locker room,” Keonho quickly spouted out, his tone awkward.

“Oh,” Seonghyeon blinked, “I can go with-”

“No!” Keonho replied too fast, “You don’t need to come!”

The other furrowed his brows, “Are y-”

“See you later!” And before Seonghyeon could question him any further, he turned around and speed-walked toward the exit to the gym.

–

Keonho had been avoiding Seonghyeon for approximately five hours now, and let’s just say that, he’s doing a terrible job at it.

To be fair, it was hard for him to avoid someone who sat right next to him in class. He caught himself glancing over to the side at least fifteen times, staring at Seonghyeon’s focused expression.

Currently, he was sitting with his swim teammates during his lunch break. Usually, he’d hang out with Seonghyeon and their other friends. Him approaching his teammates threw them off as well.

“Keonho? You’re not hanging out with Seonghyeon and them?”

He shrugged, “Just wanted to spend some time with you guys too.”

He felt so out of place around them, despite the fact they had trained together everyday. They were easy to get along with, but they weren’t Seonghyeon.

No one could ever be like Seonghyeon.

It hurt Keonho real bad, to not be around Seonghyeon this much. He never thought he’d even be in this situation, avoiding his best friend.

Keonho, stop thinking about him, or else this whole plan becomes useless!

No matter how much Keonho scolded himself, he couldn’t help himself.

He stood up, “I need to go to the bathroom,” he said, barely acknowledging his teammates. He quickly left, rushing into the hallways and taking laps.

He couldn’t be around them anymore. He felt like he couldn’t be around anyone right now. He needed… he needed…

Don’t finish that sentence.

Keonho needed…

“Oh, Keonho?”

No.

Keonho froze, his heart rate picking up again.

Please, not right now.

He turned around slowly, seeing Seonghyeon stand at the end of the hall, a stack of papers in his hand. Keonho assumes that Seonghyeon is in the middle of student council business.

The boy slowly approached him, and every bone in Keonho’s body told him to walk away. But he couldn’t, he stayed frozen in the hallway, staring at Seonghyeon.

“I feel like we haven’t talked much today. I missed your voice.”

Keonho’s stomach twisted. Seonghyeon can’t do this to him, it’s not fair. He can’t just say those things and expect Keonho to act normal.

He dropped his gaze to the marble tiles, “Oh, uh, that’s weird.”

Seonghyeon narrowed his eyes, stepping closer to Keonho. His voice dropped to a low murmur, and there was a hint of vulnerability in his eyes, “Did I do something? You’ve been acting off.”

Keonho felt his chest tighten. He brought his eyes back up to Seonghyeon, “No.”

“Then why does it seem like you’re avoiding me?” Seonghyeon countered back.

Has Keonho been figured out already? Oh, it was so over for him.

“I- I’m not…”

“Yes. you are,” his voice was becoming more frustrated, “Keonho, please tell me what’s wrong.”

How was Keonho supposed to tell him what was wrong? Oh, I love you, so I’m trying to lose feelings for you. He can’t say that to Seonghyeon!

Keonho let out a shaky breath, “I just… need some space.”

He saw the way Seonghyeon went completely still, and he immediately regretted what he had said. How many times is Keonho going to mess up? He was the worst at this.

After a beat, Seonghyeon spoke again, “...From me?”

Keonho couldn’t say it. He looked to the side, “...A little.”

A little?! What kind of response is that?!

The silence of the hallway felt so much louder. Keonho felt like his senses were heightened completely, hyperaware of everything in the hallway.

“Oh.”

That tiny sound hurt way more than it should have. Keonho wanted to take his words back immediately. He desperately wanted to grab Seonghyeon by the collar, and tell him that he didn’t mean what he said. He wants to tell him that he needs Seonghyeon around more than anything in the world, and that what he said was the opposite of what he wanted.

But he had to resist that urge. He needed to do this for Seonghyeon. He can’t allow himself to be selfish if it goes against what Seonghyeon wants.

So instead, Keonho put on a small, forced smile, purposely avoiding Seonghyeon’s eyes. If he looked at Seonghyeon’s face, he would lose all the resolve he had built up.

“See you tomorrow,” Keonho mumbled, dragging his body past Seonghyeon. As he turned the corner, his expression fell, and his vision began to blur.

His chest hurt really bad. Why was this so hard to do?

He leaned against the wall and closed his eyes, Seonghyeon’s voice echoing throughout the walls of his brain. The hurt in the other boy’s voice broke Keonho’s heart.

Burying his head in his hands, he felt the regret sit in his stomach.

–

Keonho had now been avoiding Seonghyeon for approximately three days.

It was really weird for Keonho. Not waiting for him in the morning, cutting their conversations shorter, and deliberately taking every long route to see Seonghyeon for a shorter amount of time.

Maybe Keonho wasn’t taking the right approach with this, but what else could he do to lose these feelings? Him constantly being around Seonghyeon definitely doesn’t help that at all.

But as Keonho spends his third day not hanging out with him, he tunes his teammates out and wanders off into his mind. He can’t help but remember how he used to never want to lose these feelings for Seonghyeon – he still doesn’t, he even thinks that they’ll be a part of him forever. But he would be betraying Seonghyeon, him harboring these feelings get in the way of them being best friends.

He can’t go against Seonghyeon’s wishes. He can’t be selfish, because no matter how impulsive he feels to give into his desires, he would always put Seonghyeon first. So, however Seonghyeon wanted to view their relationship – Keonho would follow suit.

His heart hurts. He wants nothing more than to see Seonghyeon.

At this point, being away from Seonghyeon only strengthened his feelings. Keonho couldn’t let that happen.

What is he supposed to do? It’s been a week since he started doing this, and he felt his love for Seonghyeon grow more and more. His chest felt like it was going to burst.

“Keonho, there you are.”

He jolted, whipping his head around to see… Juhoon?

Don’t get your hopes up thinking it’s Seonghyeon, this is not going to help you lose feelings for him!

Juhoon approached Keonho, grabbing his arm, “We need to talk,” he said, dragging Keonho away from the table. Keonho gave his teammates an apologetic look, to which he received looks of confusion.

They walked into an empty hallway, completely silent until Juhoon decided on a good spot. He positioned them just by the stairwell in the corner, giving them privacy.

“So,” Juhoon began, “you and Seonghyeon haven’t talked properly since… that day.”

Wait, Seonghyeon talked to the others about Keonho avoiding him? What else does he say about him?

“You told Seonghyeon you needed space.”

“Uh- well…”

“Did you confess?” Juhoon asked, raising an eyebrow.

Keonho pursed his lips, avoiding eye contact with the older, “I- we- um… not exactly…” he stuttered, feeling his face grow hot.

He sees Juhoon continue to blankly stare at him, so Keonho takes it as a signal to continue.

“It’s just- I…” he brought a hand to the back of his neck, gripping tightly to gain some semblance of grounding, “I tried. I really did try! But, I… I asked if anything would change between us if I told him something, and he told me that I’ll always be his best friend, and hearing him say that-” Keonho’s voice broke as he spoke, “it just kind of… broke something in me. Because I realized that’s all he will ever see me as. So… so what’s the point of telling him how I felt if in the end, all he wants to be is my best friend?”

He gathered the courage to look up at Juhoon, a look of understanding in his eyes. Keonho dropped his hand, instead fidgeting with the hem of his blazer, “I’m just trying to lose my feelings for him… when I think I’ve done so, I’ll start hanging out with him again. I don’t want to be distant with him either, but I have to do this for him.”

Moments of silence passed between them, before Juhoon let out an audible sigh, “You’re stupid, Keonho.”

Keonho pouted, “That’s gonna make me feel better about everything.”

“Let me finish,” the other replied bluntly. “You’re an idiot if you think that’s gonna fix whatever you think is wrong between you two,”

“What else am I supposed to do?”

Juhoon gave him a pointed look, “Tell him properly? By the way he’s acting, I don’t think you got the message across.”

Keonho blinked, “Huh? How is he acting?”

“Well for one, he vented to me, Martin, and James-hyung for the first time ever. He’s hurting too, you know. He looked like he was on the verge of tears.”

It felt like the air was knocked out of Keonho’s lungs. Seonghyeon was about to cry? Over Keonho???

“...What?” Keonho replied dumbly, his voice faint.

Oh, Keonho was the worst person ever. The last thing he wants is for Seonghyeon to be sad for any reason – let alone because of him! He was terrible. He was being so mean. 

Of course distancing doesn’t work, you idiot! He said it first that you guys are best friends, so why wouldn’t he be upset if his best friend was suddenly avoiding him like the plague!

That day when you told him you needed space was the day you messed everything up! Keonho, you’re such an idiot! You’re a bully to Seonghyeon!

Keonho’s brain was running a million miles per hour, his face slowly morphing into something of horror. He felt himself getting emotional too, the thought of Seonghyeon crying makes him want to cry.

“Hyung,” he breathed out, looking at Juhoon, “I’m so stupid. I- I need to find him. Seonghyeon. Where-”

“He’s in a meeting, you’ll have to meet him after school,” Juhoon cut him off, huffing out a sigh.

A loud ringing echoed throughout the school, their break ending. Seonghyeon would be out of his meeting, and they would have to return to their classroom.

How could Keonho have been so stupid? He was so focused on his own feelings, he didn’t realize what was happening right in front of him. He would never forgive himself for hurting Seonghyeon like this.

“Get to class,” the other muttered, “and don’t mess up this time.”

Keonho nodded, swallowing nervously.

They parted ways, and Keonho thought hard about what he should say to Seonghyeon. He would probably fall apart on the spot if he sees Seonghyeon have a broken expression the moment he walks in the classroom.

Sliding the classroom door open, his eyes immediately landed on Seonghyeon. This past week, Keonho forced himself to not look at him, but he couldn’t help it anymore. He felt terribly guilty for the hurt he was causing to Seonghyeon.

The look in his eyes was distant. He was usually softer around the edges when with Keonho, but as he approached their shared desk, Seonghyeon hadn’t greeted him. He hadn’t done that for a few days now, seemingly mirroring the way Keonho wouldn’t greet him earlier in the week.

This was going to be the longest two hours of his life. He wants to see Seonghyeon smile again, with pink coloring his face as his dimple poked through his cheek. He wants to hear Seonghyeon’s melodious voice again, laughing with him as he would murmur teasing remarks on how much of an idiot Keonho is.

So stupid, Keonho. So stupid.

–

It took Keonho a bit for him to actually catch Seonghyeon after school. Yeah, this was the worst mistake of Keonho’s life. How could he have been so dumb? Seonghyeon probably hates him now.

Keonho doesn’t blame Seonghyeon at all for that. He has every right, after Keonho had been such an asshole – to his best friend of all people!

Keonho caught Seonghyeon walking out of the council room, his bag slung over his shoulders. He watched Seonghyeon say goodbye to the other student council members, that same distant gaze in his eyes. It made Keonho’s heart sink.

He wasn’t gonna run away anymore. He needed to make things right, and Seonghyeon needed to know the truth.

“Seonghyeon!” Keonho called out.

The boy tilted his head up, a look of surprise on his face. Keonho missed seeing that fond look he would get after getting Seonghyeon’s attention.

He walked down the hallway, up until he was right in front of Seonghyeon, “Let’s go home?”

Seonghyeon was silent for a moment, then nodded, “Okay.”

The two fell into their familiar rhythm, though the hair felt strained. Keonho was shaking again, but he couldn’t let his nerves get the best of him. Seonghyeon was hurt, and so was Keonho.

The hallways never felt more suffocating. He needed to tell Seonghyeon right now. He couldn’t stand things not being okay between them. There were too many people around him, when all he wanted was to be with Seonghyeon.

Seonghyeon was right next to him, but it felt like he was so far away,

Who’s fault is that, dumbass?

Stepping out the school gate, the same silence returned – the silence that had followed them during their interactions this past week.

Seonghyeon, I’m so sorry.

Keonho’s eyes wandered to Seonghyeon’s side profile, and he could see the sadness in Seonghyeon’s expression. It surprised Keonho a bit, since he usually doesn’t express his emotions with his face – other than frustration. But this wasn’t even frustration, he was just… sad. Disappointed? Oh, Keonho could never forgive himself.

“You’re staring again. For someone who claims to need space, you look like you’ve been longing to talk to me,” Seonghyeon cut through the silence with a quiet, flat voice. 

Keonho flinched at his bluntness. He quickly directed his gaze to the ground, “Uh, sorry.”

“Sorry? For what? Do you even know?” Seonghyeon stopped in his tracks, some sort of aggravation audible in his voice.

Please don’t be mad at me.

Keonho turned around, and expected to see an angry Seonghyeon. Instead, he saw what looked to be a heartbroken Seonghyeon. Keonho blinked, his breath hitching at the sight.

How can someone be so sad, and yet still look so pretty?

Those glossy eyes, and his lower lip slightly jutted out. His cheeks dusted pink, the hurt in his face gave Keonho knots in his stomach. He thinks Seonghyeon looks so beautiful, but he never wants to see that look on Seonghyeon’s face again.

That look on his face makes Keonho just want to spill everything out right now.

“What, you’re just gonna stand there and stare at me forever? Is that all you know how to do?” Seonghyeon spat out. 

Keonho chewed on his bottom lip, balling his fists, “N- No. I…” he replied weakly.

I’m so, so sorry, Seonghyeon. You shouldn’t have to deal with my stupidity.

In that moment, Keonho lost whatever control he had left of his emotions. Before he could stop himself, he started frantically rambling, “I couldn’t say it before. You- you’re… Seonghyeon, you’re my best friend.”

“That’s what you said a few days ago, yes.”

“And…” Keonho let out a wet laugh, feeling tears begin to sting his eyes, “You called me that too. Your best friend. And nothing would change that,” he stumbled over his words, dropping his eyes to the ground. He refused to meet Seonghyeon’s gaze, “So I just thought- it made me think that we’d… we’d never be anything more than that.”

There was a heavy silence between them. Keonho was so close to saying it. He completed most of the confession, now he needed to say the actual thing.

Say it.

Come on.

Just say it already!!

“Hyeon, I-” he glanced up, seeing Seonghyeon look at him patiently, “I… I love you, Hyeon.”

He watched the other boy’s face contort from that sad, frustrated look, to a surprised, and almost flustered expression. Seonghyeon’s silence was killing Keonho.

“Not- Not in a best friend way. I… I am in love with you, Hyeon. And, I’m sorry that I have these feelings- I promise I’ll try to-”

Keonho couldn’t even finish the oath he was about to declare, as he felt a pair of plump lips warm against his. 

Huh?

His eyes fluttered close before he realized it, immediately melting into the warmth.

Seonghyeon was kissing him.

Seonghyeon was kissing him?

SEONGHYEON WAS KISSING HIM!?

It barely lasted a few seconds before Seonghyeon pulled away, looking up at Keonho in a daze. A familiar pair of hands were cupping his face, a pink face glowing bright in front of him.

“Keonho, I love you too. Don’t fall out of love with me before we start dating,” Seonghyeon said breathlessly, the last bit sounding almost brat-like.

Wait, did Seonghyeon just say he loves me?

“Wh- what?” Keonho replied dumbly.

Seonghyeon blinked away, his cheeks somehow growing pinker, “I said I love you too. Did you not hear me?”

“Oh,” Keonho’s hands slowly rose to clutch onto Seonghyeon’s wrist. “You- do?”

Seonghyeon let out a dramatic sigh, squishing Keonho’s cheeks with his palms, “Yes. Yes, Keonho. I do.”

“Oh,”

Seonghyeon loves Keonho back.

Everything in the background became blurred, and Keonho swore everything had a pink tint. Pink like Seonghyeon’s lips. Pink like Seonghyeon’s cheeks.

“That’s… that’s really good. Hyeon- Hyeon-ah, I love you. So much,” Keonho slowly replied, his voice shaky.

Seonghyeon chuckles, pulling his hands to intertwine their fingers. He had the biggest smile on his face – Keonho had never seen Seonghyeon smile that wide before. It replaced any dread in Keonho’s chest with a lovely warmth. Only Seonghyeon could make him feel that way.

Seonghyeon’s thumb brushed over Keonho’s knuckles. He glanced back up at Keonho’s face, his eyebrows raised, “Are you crying?”

Was he crying?

Keonho hadn’t even realized tears were falling down his cheeks. He immediately looked away, “No.”

The boy huffed again, using his free hand to cradle Keonho’s face, “You literally are. Aw, my big baby,” Seonghyeon cooed, lightly pinching Keonho’s cheek.

The words made Keonho flush, a warm sensation flurrying in his stomach. He felt a bit embarrassed, but he didn’t care at that point. His baby, the words played on repeat in his head.

This was everything Keonho had dreamed of, but a million times better. He didn’t have to imagine twenty different scenarios, where Seonghyeon had twenty different responses that he usually pictured to be bad. It was a million times better, because he had the real thing – obviously – but he could actually feel the gentle compassion. Keonho just couldn’t stop falling, and falling, and falling.

“I’m just-” Keonho hiccuped, “really happy.”

Seonghyeon’s smile softened as he continued to wipe away the tears that flowed, “I know, me too.”

Keonho let out a wet laugh, leaning forward to envelop Seonghyeon into a big hug. His arms circled Seonghyeon’s waist, holding onto him tightly, “Hyeon-ah, I’m sorry I made you upset. I promise to make it all up to you,”

Seonghyeon was frozen for a moment, caught off-guard, but quickly reciprocated the hug, wrapping his arms around Keonho’s shoulders.

“I was so mean,” Keonho continued, “you didn’t deserve that at all. I was acting like a complete jerk.”

“You were.”

He winced at the bluntness.

“But,” Seonghyeon added, “I also knew something was wrong. You wanted to tell me about your feelings that day I came over, didn’t you?”

Keonho hesitated before nodding weakly against Seonghyeon’s shoulder. Ah, of course Seonghyeon had him figured out so fast.

The other exhaled a small laugh, tracing shapes on Keonho’s back, “I know you were really scared. And I know you did what you did because of that fear. Even if it still upset me, I’ll always be here waiting for you.”

Hearing that made Keonho want to cry again. How could someone be so kind? No one can ever be as patient, caring, and gentle with Keonho like Seonghyeon is. He wants to feel Seonghyeon’s love and warmth forever and ever.

He let out a shaky breath, allowing himself to melt in Seonghyeon’s arms. Keonho leaned his head forward, forehead pressed against the other’s shoulder, “I’m really sorry,” he murmured.

“It’s okay,” Seonghyeon replied quietly, nuzzling his nose in Keonho’s hair.

Keonho could spend the rest of his life in their position without any complaint. He leaned into Seonghyeon, feeling all the tension leave his body. He hadn’t felt this good about anything in what felt like forever. He relished the moment, somehow pressing himself more into Seonghyeon. It was a bit uncomfortable that they were standing in the middle of the sidewalk, but Keonho didn’t care. He needed to treasure this.

“You’re still my best friend,” Seonghyeon said softly, “that doesn’t change.”

What?

“But… maybe I would want to be a little more as well.”

Keonho pulled away from the hug, his arms still remaining on Seonghyeon’s sides. He stared, his eyes twinkling, “Do you want to be my boyfriend?”

Seonghyeon turned his head, a flustered expression on his face. Keonho caught the dopey smile on the others’ face, mirroring him.

He hummed, then faced Keonho again, “Yes. I would love to be your boyfriend, Keonho.”

Keonho felt ecstatic. His grin widened, nodding eagerly like a puppy, “Okay. Okay- Yeah- Yeah! My boyfriend. Oh my god- you’re my boyfriend now, Hyeon-ah!” He hopped up and down, not once letting go of Seonghyeon. The other just laughed along with him, his body like a ragdoll as Keonho continued to excitedly jump.

He felt like he was in a dream, but this was actually happening. Seonghyeon is Keonho’s boyfriend now. Keonho is Seonghyeon’s boyfriend now.

That thought felt crazy to Keonho – just a week ago, if someone told Keonho that exact sentence, he would have laughed in their face, said, “No way,” and walked off to imagine that exact scenario.

Keonho doesn’t need to use his imagination anymore. This was real. His best friend who he fell in love with, loves him back and is now his boyfriend!

Seonghyeon is his boyfriend. Keonho can’t get that out of his head.

And then in front of him, Seonghyeon was giggling and smiling, and it was the most expressive he had seen the boy. Keonho couldn’t help but get so giddy about it all. It was the first genuine smile he had seen on Seonghyeon’s face in days, and the sound of his laughs loosened the tight, heavy feeling that was once in Keonho’s chest.

After Keonho had calmed down a bit – which is an overstatement, Keonho was anything but calm, the furthest thing from it – he clasped Seonghyeon’s hands into his and tugged them.

“Let’s go home together,” he said breathlessly, more of a statement than a request.

Seonghyeon only looked at him for a moment, a hot flush prickling his cheeks. He smiled sheepishly, moving so he was next to Keonho, “Okay.”

They started walking again, their hands joined together as Keonho began to ramble endlessly about how much he missed Seonghyeon, and the things that happened during the days they hadn’t spoken.

Keonho and Seonghyeon fell into their familiar routine, and it felt like things had stayed the same. They were still a pair of two best friends, just now more honest with each other. Neither of them were going to hold themselves back.

Seonghyeon was right about things not changing, why had he ever thought otherwise?

Keonho lets that thought pass instead of spiraling, squeezing Seonghyeon’s hand. Keonho thinks he wouldn’t have this go any other way.