Work Text:
"30 March, 20**. Dear diary. I have a really good friend, River. He's the kindest person I've ever met. Like, he's a literal sunshine to everybody's world. Everyone likes him, including me. Especially me. But River has been away for a while now, he's really busy. He didn't even answer my texts now. I'm actually kinda upset. But, I know that River will never ignore me. He's just busy and that's normal."
Pages flipped closed within the leather cover. Mason closed the book gently, putting it back into the drawer of his desk. Papers scattered around his desk, hundreds scratches of lines visible on the paper. It's all a note book paper with drawings in it.
"River, you kinda ignore me today.. And i just don't like that. But maybe, just maybe, you will not ignore me again if I draw you, right? You always said that you like being drawn by me."
Mason mumbles around the silence. His hands are moving swiftly around the paper with a pencil in his grip. Minutes goes by, and a replicate of River's face was drawn perfectly on the paper. Mason sigh, happy with the result. He wanted to grab a quick drink from a glass next to the paper, until he accidentally hit the glass, spilling the water over his desk and the papers. Mason panicked, but the first one he saved is the River drawing. No, he doesn't care about the other drawings, even his homeworks. As if River is the most important thing ever existed in his life. And, he probably is. Tears pooling Mason's eyes. His grips tighten around the corner of the wet paper.
"Sorry.. Sorry River.. I'm so sorry.."
He whisper slightly, rushing towards the fan to dry the wet paper in his hands.
"I'm sorry, River.. I saved you first. And.. I believe that you'll come back. Maybe I have to wait a little longer, but that's fine. I know you will be back soon or later."
Mason smiles, but tears can't be held.
"19 April, 20**. Dear diary. Everyone pisses me off. They don't even care about what I feel. They don't care about MY feelings. They don't understand. They will NEVER understand."
Mason put the book in the drawer and slam it closed. He walked around his bedroom, messy with papers and dirty clothes scattered on the floor. He bites his fingers, feeling an anger raised inside him. Pillow being thrown around the room, silent screams and the sound of foot stomping filled the bedroom. Mason is frustrated.
"They don't understand me. Nobody did. I just.. I want them to know what i feel.. But they can't. Only River can understand me well.. But what? He didn't even give me a single word. Is he really THAT busy? So busy that he didn't have time for his best friend?"
Mason's knuckles turning white from gripping papers too hard. Alright, maybe that was too much. He dropped the paper and it instantly uncurled. Oh, it's a drawing of River. Again. He had a pretty long day today. Bumping into people, getting into trouble, being short tempered the whole day for some reason. He exploded all his anger on people because he probably can't do it on River.
"... What am I doing..? I'm, I'm so sorry, River.."
"1 June, 20**. Dear diary. I don't know what day is this.. I haven't left my room for a while.. It's kinda messed up, but it is what it is."
Mason left the book open this time. He look around the room, zoning out for 7 minutes straight.
"Maybe.. Maybe if I just.. Not annoying. River will definitely be back by now. We used to hang out in the park.. He really loves the swing and.. The slides. He also defends me from people who keep messing around with me. He's just a really sweet person. I'm so happy that I was his closest friend. Yeah.. Maybe if I wasn't that much of a burden.. Oh, God.."
What if that, what if this, all those thoughts are hunting Mason's mind. All the possibilities about why River ignored him, why hasn't River reached out to him for the past three months? why hasn't river answered any of his texts? why is the fact River is gone filling up Mason's head? Maybe if Mason hopes more longer. Maybe if Mason be more patient. Maybe, just maybe, if Mason wasn't too late. ... Mason lied down on his bed. Floor filled up with paper and dirty laundries. Blinds closed, seemed like they haven't been opened since then. Mason is lying on his back, staring straight to the sorrow ceiling. Staring so hard he could put a hole into the ceiling. Mason's breathing is heavy, eyes as dark as a charcoal, and heart as empty as an abandoned log. Mason's tired of hoping. Tired of waiting. Tired of thinking that River will be back. Tired of everything. And it explains why his eyes are swollen red, cheeks are wet and rosy from probably crying all day.
"I... I'm sorry, River.. I wish I was a better friend for you."
Mason rolled to his tummy with his head turned right to see the entire room. It's really messy. Everything is unorganized. It's like Mason is going through depression. And, maybe he is. He's really desperate for River's text. Even a single "hi" will be nice right now, until a notification sound pops from his phone. Mason rushed to grab it and turn it on just to see an unneccesary notification. Mason grumbled and slam his phone onto the bed sheet. He buried his face into the pillow, too exhausted to even scream at this point. The reason he was crying all day was probably because he was starting to forget what River looks like. His hair, his stupid big smile, his eyes, his nose, his eyebrows, his everything. So frustrating. Guilt washed over Mason's body. How dare he forgotten about his best friend's features? Is it because it's been a while since they met? Now that Mason thinks about it, he can't remember what River's voice sounds like anymore. But maybe, just maybe, River will be back soon. If Mason wait long enough. Oh, River. Where did you go?
Day by day passed by. The whole summer break spent with Mason lying on his bed, be looking like a walking corpse at this point. His phone lying close to him, as if he's waiting for a text from someone. And, it's probably true. He spent his entire day waiting for the river of his life to reach out to him. To at least say a word to him. But all he got was nothing. It's as if River's ignoring him on purpose. Is he really doing that? But, alright, Mason's too tired to actually think about it right now. All he wanted was River to be by his side again. All he wanted in a million years, he'll use his lifetime luck to be reunited with River again. Whatever it takes, Mason will do anything for the river of HIS life.
"21 August, 20**. Dear diary. This is all too much for me. It's kinda breaking me down, the fact that River is away. But, perhaps.. It's a good thing? River is probably happy now. He got no one talking too much to him anymore, no one nagging him to come over.. But, it's all went a little too fast. I just, it's really hard to get over it.. Now that you're.. Far far away, I'm lonely now. Like, lonely all the time. But, River, it's probably the best for you, too."
Pages flipped closed, within the leather cover. This time, Mason put the book into his bag, preparing himself to leave the vehicle. Mason stands right in front of a tomb stone, beautifully decorated with tons of flowers. It's beautiful, so beautiful just like River's vibes. On the tomb stone, can be seen "River Brooks" written with an elegant Italic letters, just like how elegant River's handwriting was. Leaves fall onto the grave, as if they're welcoming Mason. He stood still, frozen by the sight he's seeing. After a minutes, he kneeled down, 'cleaning' the tomb stone like it's the most precious and expensive thing in the entire world. At least, for Mason's world. With a flower on his right hand, and a paper on his left, he try to speak to River for the last time, for now.
"River, It's Mason.. It's been a while, huh? I'm sorry for not visiting you. It's been 5 months since you left me all alone in this cold world, you know?"
Mason let out an awkward chuckles at the end. And then, silence. Mason was hit by reality, the fact that River is gone, forever. It's breaking him down into pieces that it's almost impossible to glue it all together.
"... Oh, my sweet River. We are now separated from each other by fate. We are ourselves now eternally. I recall everything you've said to me. But now, its all of me that remains beyond flesh, beyond metal. You know? You were the first person who ever looked at me like I wasn't 'strange'. The first person who ever stayed long enough for me to think- No, not think. Hope. Hope that at least, at the very least that I am loveable.."
Mason pauses before continue.
"River, my dearest River. I'm so sorry i noticed too late. You always act as if you were okay. You never showed any sign of.. Anything. If i wasn't too late, maybe we'll still be together, eating ice cream at the park, riding that swing you always loved.. I was dumb for realizing too late. Too dumb to notice a single hint. We were doing just fine, and the next thing I saw is.. You, rescued to the hospital after attempting to end yourself. And.. You did it. It's a success, bet you're even smiling stupidly when you did it. Well, you are so precious for me. You meant the whole world for me that when you're gone, I can feel my world collapsing slowly. I was tortured for the past 5 months, you know? It's painful. I've been through denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. But, now.. Now I'm here, sitting in front of you again. And you know what comes after all that? Acceptence. I'm.. Trying my best to accept it. Now that I'm here, you probably already know about it. Well, it's time for me to say good bye now. Good bye, buddy. Maybe, just maybe, in another universe, we'll be together again. Wherever you are, I will always come find you."
Mason smiled, placing down the items he has been holding for the whole 'conversation' he had with River. Mason stand up, looking at River's beautiful grave for one last time before turning away, leaving his good friend behind. On the grave, a Forget-Me-Nots has been placed by Mason, with a Red Carnations and a Lilies of the Valleys next to it. And of course, the paper that Mason also placed before he walk away. A drawing of River, smiling beautifully like a low tide in twilight.
And finally, Mason has moved on.