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"No, sir. I would like it not to play in the capital."
"Yeah. I said no when they asked me for it."
"I see."
"Hey Dongsaeng, do you by chance want to be the Prime Minister?"
"......."
Cale looked at Alberu with a gaze that made it seem as if he truly had been wronged. It was Alberu's turn to flinch.
Cale's complexion looked good since his return from the Central Plains, but seeing this extremely hurt gaze tugged at his heart.
In all honestly, Alberu had said that as a joke. A kind of petty revenge to get back at Cale for making him do so much work. It was also a sort of empty threat, to warn Cale against making self sacrificial decisions in the future (even if he knew it wouldn't do much in terms of changing the stubborn man's mind).
Afterall, he had long since made up his mind to ensure that his dongsaeng got his slacker life once everything was over. The man deserved it.
But perhaps he had taken the joke a little too far.
Before he could apologize or rescind his words, something even more shocking happened.
Drip.
A droplet glinted in the light as it slipped past thick lashes, unbidden.
A single tear trailed down the stoic commanders cheek.
...And the sight of it brought the entire world to a standstill.
Alberu's next words died on his tongue.
Cale raised a hand to his cheek, as if he hadn't yet realized what was happening. But when fingers came away wet, his lips parted in a shaky breath.
A tiny, devastating crack appeared in that perpetual calm.
Drip, drip.
Another tear. Then another. They fell faster, now that their owner seemed to be aware of them.
Cale. Cale Henituse was crying.
For a moment, Alberu couldn't move.
And then a soft pained sound escaped Cale's lips.
That was what finally jolted him out of his stupor.
Alberu lurched forward, papers and stationary scattering or falling off the table as he reached for his dongsaeng.
"Are you okay? What's wrong? This isn't about what I just said is it? It was a joke! I swear I wouldn't actually-"
In his haste to comfort the other, the crown prince had failed to notice that his communication orb, which rolled under the table, accidentally activated.
~~•~~
Choi Han, who had received a call from the crown prince while he was taking a break from beating up training Clopeh at the black castle, picked up with a slight smile only to pause upon hearing the usually silver tongued man stumbling over his own words in a fluster.
~~•~~
Meanwhile Ron, who had been standing outside the Crown Prince's study, had heard the prince's words of concern towards his young master and was about to open the door to check on them, when a slightly strained voice reached his ears.
~~•~~
"Your highness. That was too much."
Alberu's breath hitched.
He couldn't help it. It was the first time he had seen Cale cry in person.
Alberu had heard from Rosalyn that it had happened once before. A nightmare she supposed, as Cale himself did not tell them what it was about. But Alberu knew. Alberu knew that Cale was not the kind to cry from nightmares.
This was Cale. Stoic, courageous and smart Cale whose sheer determination could overturn even the gods. He was the kind of person to laugh in the face of the worst dangers to exist. The kind of person who would calmly calculate a method to victory even in a situation where hope seemed lost. The Cale he knew would not cry from nightmares.
(However, he also knew of Cale's past. His true past as Kim Rok Soo. He knew what he had lost. And with that in mind, he presumed that what others thought was a nightmare, was likely something related to his memories instead. Still, whatever it was must have been something extraordinary to make Cale cry.)
It was not because he was incapable of tears, but because people like them, people like Cale and Alberu, were so used to staying strong that they'd all but forgotten how to cry.
Perhaps Lee Soo Hyuk or Choi Jung Soo would understand Kim Rok Soo better, but Alberu was certain that the Cale he knew was different from that Kim Rok Soo. The man who lost everything and the man who regained it all once more. Not to mention, Alberu himself had seen changes in Cale's personality, even in comparison to when he first met him three years ago.
And yet, a man like that was crying? He was crying because of something Alberu said?
"...That was so mean of me."
Alberu apologized instantly. But he knew that wasn't all. It couldn't have been. It was more likely that something else was going on and it just so happened that Alberu's words served as the trigger.
Even now, tears continued to drip down Cale's cheeks.
Cale tried in vain to wipe them away, yet it seemed to only make them fall faster.
Ultimately, the red haired commander simply covered his eyes, tears still slipping out from between his fingers, as he slumped into his chair and tilted his head back to face the ceiling.
All of a sudden, he looked so small. Tired. Defeated.
Distant.
Alberu didn't like it one bit.
The crown prince silently walked around his table to Cale's side, trying to close this distance in any way he could.
He gently laid a hand on Cale's shoulder.
At first, Cale didn't move. Nor did he speak.
So, Alberu waited.
Eventually, Cale drew in a trembling breath. His voice was quiet and strained, yet it was his words that pierced Alberu's heart.
"Do you not understand me either, your highness?"
Alberu’s breath hitched, his grip unconsciously tightening on Cale's shoulder. Unfortunately, the man gave him no room to reply.
"You know, when you told the Duke about what happened in the central plains, I felt a little betrayed but I knew why you did it. I knew you were worried. Even now, your joke might've been in bad taste but I know why you said it. And yet-"
Cale exhaled in a shuddering sigh.
"-it still hurt. I don't expect the others to understand in depth with how different they are from me. But I thought atleast you would know the kind of person I am."
Cale let his hands slip, revealing his eyes still moist from tears. He looks straight into Alberu's eyes.
"Hyung. I don't want to die. I don't want to risk my life every other day. I just want to rest."
It was the first time Cale had called him Hyung without any honorifics. But Alberu could not bring himself to feel any happiness when he saw the raw desperation leaking through that exhausted gaze.
"Did you know? My siblings seem to want to make me territory lord. They've been hiding it but I can tell. I keep saying to myself that I'll find a way to avoid it but it's hard. I told them I didn't want to do it. I told them I wanted to rest!"
Cale looks away from Alberu in lieu of staring at the ceiling as he continues without pause.
"Then there's those damn gods. It looks like they want to drag me into their fight as well. That fucking God of Balance even threatened me to become a god! She said that I was breaking the balance, and that if I didn't want any of you to face karma, then I'd have to take up her offer! Ha! Hahaha! How ridiculous. Damn gods can't even do their own job properly and try to make it harder when I'm doing it for them?!"
Alberu had not heard of this specific detail. It sends a spark of fury through his chest. How dare those gods-
"But then you, you who I thought understood me most, decided to use the one thing I didn't want as a threat? Hah. Even if it was a joke...Hyung, I trusted you."
The anger dies, and a lump catches in Alberu's throat as he swallows. Now, he understood. It wasn't just his words ... it was everything. Everything piling on until it suffocated him. Still, he had a feeling Cale wasn't done talking.
"I know, I probably look ridiculous for crying over something like that. Hell, I didn't think it would hurt as much as it did either. It really shouldn't have. But Hyung, that's not the only problem here. The problem is that everyone seems to think I'm a self sacrificial bastard who does what he wants without caring about how anyone else is going to feel. To think even people who should understand me are now resorting to threats to keep me from hurting myself. Hahaha..."
Cale's laughter is an empty, hollow thing.
"...you don't trust me anymore."
Alberu gasps.
"That's not it, Cale-"
Sharp reddish brown eyes gaze into his.
"Hyung. When was the last time you truly believed me when I said I was fine?"
Alberu goes silent.
Cale's voice loses as all inflection as he speaks next.
"Perhaps it's more accurate to say that rather than not trusting me, none of you seem to trust me with myself. It makes sense if I think of it from your point of view. I'm constantly coughing up blood, fainting, nearly dying and still saying I'm fine. Isn't that it? That's your issue."
Alberu feels a chill go down his spine at the man's emotionless words.
"But what can I do? I know there are times when I'm reckless but it's only because there's no other option. I've lost everything once and I don't want to lose it again. I don't want to feel that pain again. I won't deny it. There was a time when I thought that it wouldn't matter if I got hurt because the others would be fine without me. Anything to convince myself as long as I'm not the one to feel the pain of loss. But even then, I never really wanted to die. Even then, I did my best to ensure I'd stay alive after the fact."
Cale's tone fluctuates slightly with his next words.
"I'm selfish but not stupid Hyung. I may not have understood at first, but I know now. I know how you all feel when I cough up blood, or when I'm injured. I know how much I mean to all of you. And that's why I've tried to stop pushing myself so far. I plan and over plan again and again because I don't want any of you to go through the pain that I've felt. It's why I try to be as factual as possible every time I cough up blood or faint. I have not lied about how I feel. Not once. Risking myself is always a final resort. Ah, but you don't believe me when I say that."
His smile is filled with self-mockery.
"You think that I do it on purpose. You think I'll risk myself on a limb every single time with no thought for the consequences. Haha. Well, It seems like I'll have to correct that view."
Cale's eyes glaze over, cheeks flushing as he activates his ability.
"Only twice. Until now, only twice have I knowingly tried to protect the others at the cost of myself."
Alberu's eyes widen, and he speaks for the first time since his apology.
"What do you mean by knowingly?"
Cale explains.
"Exactly what it means. Only twice, have I tried to, as you call it, 'sacrifice' myself whilst knowing the full extent of damage it would cause me. Once was at the gorge of death. The other was when I used my ability 'instant' to break the sealed statues. In the first case, although I was prepared to sacrifice myself, it was another unexpected situation that actually caused me issues. As for when I used instant... I truly didn't want to use it precisely because I knew how much damage it would cause me. But at that time, we had no choice. All I could do was warn Raon before I did. Still, I only did it because I had planned for one of the dragons to heal me afterwards. I only did it because I knew I'd survive."
The red head closes his eyes for a moment, as he sorts through the records.
"Until now, every single time I've ended up injured apart from those two times, was the result of an unexpected situation or an accident. And every single time I still tried to make sure I would come out alive."
Cale opens his eyes again and looks at Alberu. He changes the topic faster than Alberu can respond.
"Did you know, that apart from the very first time I use an ancient power, I almost always know where my limits lie? It isn't because of trial and error. It's because of my powers. They speak to me."
Alberu blinks. And then blinks again.
Cale answers the question before it leaves his lips.
"The ancient powers speak to me. I found out later that it's not normal. And yet, maybe it's because I'm not normal... the will of the original owners of those ancient powers still exists within me. They're all crazy in their own right and rather loud at times but they've done their best to protect me. They're the ones who warn me of my limits. And they've saved me time and time again, enough for me to trust them."
Cale lets his words sink in a bit and soldiers on.
"You might be wondering why I cough up blood so much? It's my vitality of the heart. It expels all the damaged blood in my system to heal me. That's why I feel better everytime I cough out blood. In fact, most of the times that I fainted wasn't from coughing up blood, but from hunger."
Cale laughs at this.
"Hunger is a side effect of using my powers. One that took the others a while to figure out. It's also why Raon is always waiting with apple pies. Anyways, whether they know or not doesn't seem to matter thanks to the number of times things haven't gone according to plan. You see, even my ancient powers have limits to what they can do. That time you saw me writhing in pain? Well, I had no idea of the cost of my powers. Had I known, I would've tried doing things differently. I'm not a masochist!"
Alberu's lips twitch, but he stays silent, sensing that what Cale said next would pertain to the more recent issue they'd faced.
"...it was the same with what happened in the central plains. I coughed up alot of blood the first time I tried purifying a jiangshi. But I was also the only one capable of solving the problem. I didn't like it either, so I tried to find ways get rid of the seal that made it hard for me to use my powers. I even succeeded.... But unexpected situations kept happening one after another. The heavenly demon... I only realized halfway through purifying him that I'd end up overdoing it. But I couldn't speak at that point, nor stop my actions."
While Alberu is slightly confused, Choi Han and Ron who had been discreetly listening are not.
Ron had a communication orb in his hands. He'd called someone around the time when Cale first mentioned that no one trusted him. It was someone rather unexpected, yet not at the same time. Someone he believed had more importance in his young masters (THIS young masters) past than Ron himself knew.
Sui Khan quietly listened to his best friend, his junior, his dongsaeng saying everything he hadn't said or been able to say due to bad circumstances.
"That last incident. Yes, the boom boom. Damn it, I'm still mad at how he described that. In all honestly, I'd been using my ancient powers while telling them to warn me to stop before I exceeded my limits. They'd been monitoring me throughout the entire thing. My plate was never in danger and I was fine despite the pain. Which was why I kept using my powers in the first place. The second I stopped using my powers, the pain went away. It was only after the fact that I found out things could've gone wrong. It was knowledge outside of my and my ancient powers scope of understanding. Had I been able to hear the warnings around me at the time, I would've stopped immediately."
As emotion bleeds back into Cale's gaze, so does the exhaustion.
"Think about it your highness. Truly think about it. When it was something I was in control of, a situation I knew the outcome of, did I or did I not warn you or someone else ahead of time?"
As Cale looked at him, Alberu considered it. Really considered it. And realized, that Cale wasn't wrong.
Choi Han was also slowly coming to the same realization. After Cale had explained just how many things had gone awry from his expectations, Choi Han realized that amongst the things that did go according to plan or Cale's changes in plan, Cale did indeed warn them of the outcomes ahead of time. There were times when Cale knew he'd faint and had warned Choi Han at the very least.
Yet there was one specific time that was bothering Choi Han. Luckily Alberu seemed to have the same thought.
"Then what about that time you- ahem. The sealed gods temple and that dagger."
Alberu couldn't bring himself to say it. To this day, that image of his dongsaeng stabbing himself with no hesitation still haunted him.
Cale chuckled self deprecatingly.
"That was the only time I hid something on purpose from all of you. Hyung.... I didn't want to stab myself at all. I don't like pain and if it was something that would kill me, I would've never done it. There were two reasons that I considered it. One, was because the world tree had promised that I would get healthier because of it. Two, was because we had no time to look for other options. That's why I did it. But I knew how it would look Hyung."
Pain filled Cale's eyes for a moment before he clenched them shut.
"I knew how it would look. And I didn't want all of you to see something so painful if I'd end up alright in the end. It was unnecessary. And yet that damned god ruined it all. And now no one believes me anymore. No one."
The four people listening to Cale's hidden desperation could not say anything.
"I know, I get why. When I saw all of you fall in front of me, I understood. I finally got it. Perhaps I even deserve it after all of that. But maybe I'm selfish and that's why I'm so tired of it. It feels like I can't get through to anyone anymore."
"You all think I'd put myself in harms way in the blink of an eye. I swear I wouldn't! The last thing I want is to make you experience the same pain I have. I wouldn't choose to sacrifice myself. Still, I don't regret any of those times I ended up hurt instead of any of you. Because at the end of the day I don't want to lose anyone else.
I know it's hard for anyone to really understand. But if there was one person I thought would get close, it was you your highness."
Silence befalls the space between them.
Cale's eyes remain closed to the world, just like his tired heart.
And Alberu?
Alberu finally speaks.
"....why didn't you say anything?"
'Why didn't you tell us? Why did you not say all of this as it was happening? Why did you leave it at saying you were fine?'
Cale just asks back.
"Where was the time? And more importantly, would it have changed things? Would anyone have listened if I told them at the time?"
'Would they hear me past their own concern? Would they have behaved any differently? How could they, when even I understand why they behave so?'
Alberu hears the unspoken answers.
"....then why say it now?"
Cale simply leans into the chair further, shoulders slumping. Suddenly, Alberu is reminded that for all that he calls Alberu his Hyung... the soul of this young body is much older than he is. Not just in years, but in experiences. And how tired this broken soul must be.
"I don't know. Perhaps it's because I found someone who seems to understand. Atleast one person who I thought would be able to see past it all. Maybe I just felt like it would be fine if even one person truly understood my intentions from start to finish."
Cale smiles, but it's a bit wry.
"Or maybe I just got too soft. Too spoilt. Now that I think about it, I never needed validation or understanding before. Hah."
Alberu looks at that smile, listens to this tired man's words, and finally makes up his mind.
From his position where he stands behind Cale, he wraps his arms around the red haired man. He leans down and rests his chin on Cale's shoulder, before turning to nuzzle his nose into Cale's neck, arms tightening around him further.
Cale stiffens.
Alberu ignores it and speaks.
"...I'm sorry. I, atleast, should've tried. I understand now. Really, I do. I don't know how I didn't notice it earlier. Maybe as you said, my concern must have clouded my eyes but... I see it now."
Alberu barrels on before Cale can interrupt.
"When we first met, I was repulsed by how similar we were. But it was that similarity that let us both work together and get this close. It's because I know you just as you know me. We didn't need to know each other's history to understand. Just knowing the person in front of us was enough."
Alberu can feel the muscles of Cale's jaw flex as he clenches it shut.
The Crown prince smiles.
"Dongsaeng... Choi Han always says the two of us are similar but I think I'm only just realizing how similar we truly are. Because I just realized that I would make the same choices in your position."
Alberu withdraws an arm to pull out a handkerchief and uses it to gently wipe around Cale's cheeks and eyes.
"I'll still worry, but I'll understand. In return, atleast with me-"
Deep blue eyes lock onto reddish brown.
"Don't hide anything. I want you to tell me everything. In detail. Later on atleast, if not immediately. No more using the Cale Henituse art of speech when talking about yourself. Talk to me like you did today."
Cale's face goes blank for a second, no doubt going through the records of their current conversation as though trying to figure out how they’d come to this conclusion, before slowly returning to his normal calm.
His eyes however, betray the emotion behind that stoic expression.
"...if you say so."
Alberu nods in satisfaction, and Cale huffs softly.
If the crown prince notices the small curve of ex-commanders lips, he doesn’t mention it.
~~•~~
Unbeknownst to the two sworn brothers, their three eavesdroppers had tuned out of the discussion from the moment the crown prince apologized. The rest was not meant for them to hear afterall.
Choi Han leans against one of the pillars of the black castle. Sheritt and Eruhaben show up from around the corner.
A single glance is enough for him to understand that they'd been listening in. Afterall, this was the black castle. The dragon lord could hear anything within its premises and Eruhaben wouldn't let it go if it was something pertaining to his children, especially Cale.
The three of them make eye contact, their conflicted emotions reflected in each others gaze.
They were adults. Not children. Children were allowed to be overtaken by concern and yet ironically enough, it seemed those very children were the only ones who bothered to attempt to see past their concern to Cale’s true intentions. It was no wonder those three were always the first to calm down, despite being so attached to Cale.
On that note, Choi Han was suddenly glad that the kids were with Lock. Somewhere away from both the royal palace and the black castle.
Cale's tiredness was something the kids did not need to know of. It had always existed, spanning across two lives as it did. But today Choi Han realized that he and the other adults had unknowingly added to it instead of soothing it.
That being the case, it was upto them to makeup for it.
Looks like the adults had some learning to do.
~~•~~
Back at the royal palace, Ron had come to a similar conclusion and had chosen to reconvene with his son. He would do what he could for now, and if that meant he had to confront the Henituse family regarding the issue of territory lord, then so be it. His young master came first.
~~•~~
Sui Khan breathed a sigh of relief as he stared at the now turned off communication orb in his hands.
He had been worried for a while that Kim Rok Soo hadn’t entirely shed his borderline suicidal mindset from before he’d transmigrated. He still remembered how he’d had to watch from the God of Deaths office as Kim Rok Soo injured himself over and over without a care for whether he’d live or die.
He knew how badly the man had been affected by his and Choi Jung Soo’s deaths. The Kim Rok Soo from before he became Cale was a man who lived simply because he couldn’t die.
Seeing him hurt himself again and again even after he transmigrated had Sui Khan worried that Cale was slipping back into old ways. Trauma was something that didn’t go away easily.
Thankfully it seemed like that wasn’t the case. Whether it was thanks to Cale having a new family or thanks to himself and Choi Jung Soo revealing that they were fine, Sui Khan didn’t care. All that mattered was that Cale was trying, truly trying, to live.
Kim Rok Soo was different now. He had people to protect and people who wished to protect him.
And most of all he was aware of that fact. That was enough.
In that case, all Lee Soo hyuk needed to do was continue to support him. He'd worry, just like the others. But just as he had until now, he'd continue to watch over him.
Afterall, Cale now had a certain crown prince to understand him by his side.
~~~•~~~