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"...are you serious right now."
Oikawa's grip on his wrist is way too tight, and his smile is too bubbly to be completely genuine - Hajime can't help but be irritated. What irks him even more, though, is the destination Oikawa is tugging him towards.
"Come on, Iwa-chan, it'll be fun!"
"Oikawa, I really don't-"
"You need-" Oikawa starts, interrupting himself as he pushes past a group of people and is momentarily cut off from Hajime's view, "to stop- sorry, could you just- we'd like to- thanks- to stop being such a prude, Iwa-chan! We're young and we're not burned out, let's have a little fun! The college experience, come on!"
Hajime pushes past the same group of people, getting a bunch of annoyed grumbles in response.
"Not everyone's college ex- sorry, sorry - not everyone's college experience has to include getting senselessly drunk and then making out with strangers!"
Oikawa throws a grin and a wink at him over his shoulder, and Hajime hates how fucking smug he looks right now. He also hates that his damn grin is working.
"You need to relax, Iwa-chan! Maybe a little bit of action would do you some good!"
"Stop waggling your eyebrows at me, you look like a fucking idiot," Hajime says grumpily, but Oikawa just laughs.
"I can't help it that my natural good looks have attracted a lot of potential sexual partners - I can't imagine what it must be like, for you, with no one showing any interest at all-"
Hajime whacks him over the back of his head - not hard, just hard enough to get him to shut up. But of course, Oikawa whines theatrically, even stopping in his tracks.
"Ow, Iwa-chan! This is why no one likes you, you're so brutal-"
"Can we just leave, please?!"
"No! You're going to have fun today, and if I have to force you! We're joining this game!"
And with that, Oikawa resolutely pulls Hajime towards the next room, where a relatively large group of people has already gathered, pushing and shoving at each other to get in a shape that somehow resembles a circle.
"What are we even-"
But Hajime doesn't need to ask that question when he sees what they're all gathered around.
"Oikawa, no."
"Iwa-chan! You committed!"
"I most certainly did not, and I'm not playing spin the-"
"Alright!" a voice calls out, and everyone around them slowly settles down. Hajime sidesteps another group of people, and his eyes fall on the person in charge of this game - and he almost groans out loud.
Oikawa must sense his annoyance (honestly Hajime wouldn't be surprised) because he throws a glance at him and grins.
“Oh, good, it's Tetsu! He usually goes for the fun version!”
Before Hajime can ask what the fuck that's supposed to mean, his question is already being answered.
“You know the rules, people - we spin, and whoever is chosen goes in the closet! What you do in there stays in there, of course. Except felonies and homicide, people, my insurance doesn't cover that.”
Hajime fights back a groan - but, then again, there’s a lot of people here. Chances are he’ll get lucky and Oikawa will just leave him alone after he gets bored with this game.
It doesn’t look like that’s likely right now, though, not with how he’s still clutching Hajime’s wrist and tugging him into the circle.
There’s a bunch of scuffling around as Kuroo herds everyone into place, raising the empty glass bottle over his head as he does so - and in the end, he singles out one of the girls to do the honors and spin it.
She makes a show out of it, to a lot of people’s amusement, and throws Kuroo a fierce grin as she bends over and places the bottle on its side.
Oikawa tenses a little beside him, and it's like everyone is holding their breaths in giddy excitement as she twists it around and spins it - and when it stops, all eyes shift to where it's pointing.
Hajime blinks. "...are you fucking serious."
"Iwa-chan!" Oikawa cheers, and soon everyone is joining in, some of them even clapping their hands.
Hajime heaves a heavy sigh - but it's not like he can back out now.
"...fine. What do I do?"
Kuroo grins widely at him, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him towards the doorway. "You're gonna go get in this closet, my friend,” he says, indicating a large wardrobe in the middle of the hallway outside, “and then we'll find you a partner! What's your preference?"
Hajime frowns. "What?"
"We could narrow down the selection," Kuroo says, still grinning. "Guys, gals, both, neither?"
"Oh. Uhm. ...both?" Hajime says, adding a shrug for good measure. The collective volume in the room goes up immediately as everyone starts discussing this. Hajime glances back and sees the eyes of a few girls widen, and he's pretty sure he can feel Oikawa's gaze piercing holes into the back of his head, but he refuses to turn around and acknowledge him.
This wasn't the way he'd planned to come out, really - not that it matters, at this point. He hadn't made it a secret, and it’s no one’s business anyway.
Kuroo gives him a nod and claps him on the back as he steps forward to let himself be shut into the dark wood closet.
"Now, I want no reactions from you guys!" Kuroo calls after he's closed the door on him, plunging him into darkness. "He's not gonna know who's going in there with him!"
Hajime sighs again, for no one but himself to hear. He's pretty close to regretting all the choices he's made that have gotten him to this point. Goddamn Oikawa and his stupid ideas - and damn himself for always, always giving in.
~~~
Kuroo is making all of them be extra quiet in the other room - not that Hajime is really paying attention to anything over there. He almost zones out a little, and he’s torn between being glad he hasn’t had much to drink yet and regretting it.
A knock on the outside of the wardrobe jolts him back into reality, and Kuroo’s voice carries through. He can practically hear him grinning.
“Alright, turn around so you can’t see who’s coming inside!”
"Back's turned," Hajime all but drawls. He just wants this to be over, really. The door opens behind him, and he can feel someone else entering the closet by the way the coats behind him shift, and by the little sliver of light he's getting. He waits, dutifully, until the door is closed, before turning back around to face whomever they've matched him up with.
Outside, he can hear Kuroo call "Alright, that's it, you guys, there's nothing to see here for the next couple minutes! We'll be back for the next pair in a few, thank you for playing-"
Hajime tunes him out, focusing on where he thinks the other person must be.
"...hi," he says. Might as well talk.
Except the person opposite him doesn't seem to want to reply. Instead, there's some rustling, and then he feels fingers brushing the front of his shirt.
"...no talking, at all?" he asks, and for some reason he hears a smile in his own voice. So this is how it's going to be, huh?
The hand travels up his chest, just the fingertips, and Hajime almost shivers.
He reaches up, catching the other by the wrist, because if this is really what's happening then he needs to make a few things clear - but oh. That's a large hand.
And not just that. A second hand curls around Hajime's own wrist, tugging him a little closer, and suddenly, there's a smell that Hajime recognizes.
Oh.
The pressure on his skin is familiar, warm - and insistent. He’s pulled closer, until he can feel that their chests are almost touching, and that smell-
Hajime is sure he’s rigged this. There’s no way this is a coincidence. There’s no way he’d end up in this closet with Oikawa during a stupid game like this by accident. Sure, maybe Hajime getting chosen was by chance, but he’s 90% sure Oikawa bribed Kuroo in some way. He’s always been able to charm his way to whatever he wants, and though admittedly Kuroo seems like a tough opponent, Hajime has no doubts that Oikawa would know how to rub him the right way.
That thought makes him slightly nauseous, for some reason, and he finds himself focusing again on the situation directly at hand - on Oikawa, who may or may not have bought his way into this closet, who is decidedly not talking, and whose actions suggest… well…
“If we’re not talking… do you have alternative ideas?” Hajime asks quietly.
There’s a small snort, and he knows Oikawa must really be holding back, trying hard not to get recognized-
So he’s serious about this?
This night is going in a very different direction than he had anticipated, but despite everything, Hajime can’t say he minds all that much.
The thing is - it’s not like he hasn’t imagined this before.
Hajime is four years old when he meets Oikawa Tooru, hands curled into fists over the fabric of his mother’s skirt as he hides behind her legs, peering over at Hajime with a strange mixture of interest and fear. It takes less than an hour for them to become inseparable.
Hajime is seven when Tooru comes running up to him, clutching a volleyball. They’re both hooked in no time.
Hajime is ten when a girl in a pink skirt and pigtails approaches Oikawa and tells him that she likes him. It takes Hajime less than ten seconds to feel an intense spike of jealousy and rage towards her, though at this point, he doesn’t really know why.
Hajime is thirteen, and he knows he’s not like the other boys in his grade, who gush about girls and snicker over each other's crushes from a safe distance. Hajime is thirteen and watches Oikawa take hold of a girl’s hand and finds himself wishing that was him instead.
Hajime is seventeen when he admits to himself that he loves him. He admits it, in the middle of the night, with Oikawa curled up against him and sleeping. He admits it, and for one night, he lets himself dream.
The next morning, Hajime buries it.
And now he’s here, barely twenty, dragged to yet another college party by the same boy he’d promised himself he’d forget, but he just can’t seem to go through with it. At this point, both Oikawa himself and Hajime’s unfortunate feelings for him are so ingrained in his very being that he’s positive he will never be able to get them out.
And the thing is - he doesn’t want to.
Standing inside a closet, between scratchy coats and winter boots, so close that they’re almost touching, but not quite - all Hajime wants is to kiss him.
Because deep down, even though he’d sworn to bury it all, Hajime has always kept dreaming. What would it be like, if Oikawa let him be the one standing at his side? They’d been so close, so damn close to victory with volleyball, and if they’d won, that year, Hajime would have taken it in stride and moved on. But like this? Nothing is resolved, and Oikawa is way too close, their breaths mingling, and Hajime doesn’t have a clue what he’s planning.
Hajime knows what he wants, though.
He knows because he’s imagined what it would feel like, to stand so close to Oikawa, not by chance, but on purpose, to grin up at him and pull him closer by his belt loops until Hajime can lean up, just a little, and peck his lips.
And Oikawa would smirk, in that stupid, over-confident way of his, but Hajime would know that move by heart - so instead of letting go, he’d push forwards, catch Oikawa’s face in his hands and kiss him in earnest, until that dumb, gorgeous smirk slips right off his mouth, until he’s gasping and calling Hajime’s name-
But this isn’t a game. The Oikawa in Hajime’s ideal world loves him back, but in truth, Hajime has no idea how Oikawa would behave if they were lovers. He’s seen how Oikawa treats his girlfriends - with respect, if a little cold and aloof sometimes - and though part of him wishes he could take their place, another part also hopes that Oikawa would behave differently if Hajime was the one by his side.
He’s felt lost and hopeless about this for far too long, hiding it under a gruff attitude and simply by not thinking about it too much, by pushing it away, by denying it.
He never thought he’d get an opportunity like this - but now, Oikawa isn’t talking.
The silence between them feels loaded, heavy, and Oikawa is still moving closer. His hand is still on Hajime’s chest, but it’s like that’s the only thing that’s between them now. It feels like the darkness has heightened Hajime’s other senses, because everything is so intense, the burning heat where Oikawa’s fingers are curling around his own, the fire raging through his veins telling him to move, to close the gap-
But he hesitates.
He’s always the one who hesitates. Because what if this is a prank? What if this is just Oikawa’s way of telling him to loosen up? What if any second now, he’ll pull back and start laughing, ”So bold, Iwa-chan, it’s time you got laid-”
And then they’re kissing.
It takes less than a second for Oikawa to cup his hand around Hajime’s cheek and tilt his head upwards - the angle is exactly how Hajime pictured it, not large or uncomfortable, just… just there, subtle and basically no problem at all, but Hajime’s brain short-circuits because who cares about five centimeters when these are Oikawa’s lips, right on top of his.
Oikawa’s hand slips upwards, into Hajime’s hair, and even though it’s soft, careful, Hajime feels the touch like he’s been electrocuted.
What happens next is basically an instinct, Hajime has no control over it - kissing Oikawa comes to him as if he was born for it. He pushes forward, increasing the pressure between them, and Oikawa’s lips part in surprise. That’s all the invitation Hajime needs.
He deepens the kiss, allowing his tongue to dart out to lick into Oikawa’s mouth, and Oikawa actually gasps, stumbling a little.
Hajime moves with him, bringing his arms up to catch him - but somehow, they end up against the closet wall, Oikawa with his back against it and Hajime practically on top of him. The wall gives him all the support he needs, and he braces his arm beside Oikawa’s head as he continues chasing his lips, tugging them into his mouth and sucking, soaking up all the tiny, desperate sounds that Oikawa is making. He runs his free hand up into Oikawa’s hair, relishing in the softness of it, and the fact that it’s the perfect length to fist into and manhandle him into any position Hajime might want-
He doesn’t think about what this means for him, for them - he can’t. He feels like he’s hallucinating, delusional - because there’s no way he’s actually kissing Oikawa, there’s no way this is real-
But if it is?
Oikawa lets out the tiniest of moans when Hajime pulls back, letting him straighten up, and he sounds completely wrecked.
"...I knew it," Hajime breathes into the tiny space between them, his heart beating loudly in his ears. "Of course it'd be you." This is the only way to go.
Oikawa's breath hitches - and god, Hajime really knows him inside out.
"What, you thought I wouldn't recognize you? With the amount of scented bullshit you pour all over yourself? I could smell you a mile away, Shittykawa."
He can practically feel the heat emanating from Oikawa's face - and he's already leaning away, as if he's not sure if he should be backing off now, as if he'd hoped Hajime wouldn't notice-
"...if- if you knew, then... why did you kiss me?"
Why does he sound so broken?
"...why would you do that to me, Iwa-chan? You... you must know how I feel, how I've always-"
Hajime catches his wrists as he's squirming out of his grip, and Oikawa makes a small, distressed sound. "This was stupid, I shouldn't have-"
"Hey."
"And you didn't stop me, why didn't you stop-"
"Oikawa. Hey."
"You got my hopes up, you know, when you said 'both', and I was shocked, too - you never told me any of that, and now you didn't stop me-"
"Tooru."
That shuts him up.
"...breathe, please. We can- we can talk about this, okay? We have time."
He really, really wishes he could see Oikawa's face right now - this is one of the times that he's afraid he'll mess up if he can't see how Oikawa is reacting.
Not that it can get any riskier than this - Oikawa sounds close to tears already.
"...why did you kiss me back?" he whispers.
Hajime takes a second to breathe, because he can't fuck this up. This is too important.
"I think... I always knew. Somehow."
Oikawa sniffles. God, he really is going to start crying, isn't he? He'll be a total mess in a matter of seconds. "...knew what?"
Hajime exhales, almost a little frustrated. "Just- don't know. Everything. That- that our friendship wasn't- you know. Like everyone else's. And..."
He stops, squeezing Oikawa's fingers. "...the way you felt," he says finally. "And… me, too. I never knew how to deal with it, so I played it off as a joke." He almost laughs. "That was... kind of a jerk move, and I'm sorry. I think... I think I've been... I don't know. Waiting, maybe."
It’s not exactly what he wants to say, but it’ll do for now. He’s never been good at this sort of thing.
"...for what?" Oikawa asks quietly.
Hajime tugs at his fingers, trying to pull him closer, hating the distance between them already. His lips are practically burning with the memory of Oikawa kissing them.
"...for someone to take away the decision from me, probably. So I wouldn't have to... face my own feelings. It was way too easy for nothing to change."
"...so you were waiting for me to fall in love with someone else and stop bugging you?"
Oikawa's voice is bitter, and Hajime doesn't like it one bit.
"No," he says, increasing the pressure on Oikawa's hands. "No, that's not- no. I hated it, every time you got a girlfriend. But... they never stayed long, and you'd always... you'd always come to me for support when you broke up. They were always temporary, but... but I wasn't."
"..that's-"
"Awful," Hajime says. "Yeah. I've been... pretty awful to you. I didn't think much about it, or about how what I did would affect you."
Oikawa lets out a tiny sound that might have been a laugh, but before he has the chance to say anything else, there’s a sharp knock on the wood of the closet, and the door is yanked open.
Hajime brings up a hand to shield his eyes from the hallway light that’s just way too bright, and he squints over to see Oikawa do the same - but realizes with a jolt that he hasn’t let go of his other hand.
Kuroo, whose smug face comes into view as Hajime’s eyes adjust, seems to have noticed that too, because he gasps theatrically and points between them.
“My, my, what have we here?!”
Hajime feels Oikawa tense beside him, and reflexively tightens his grip.
“C’mon,” he says, tugging him along as he pushes past Kuroo, ignoring the wide-eyed stares of at least ten people who are crammed into the hallway in an attempt to see what’s going on.
Oikawa follows, but it’s reluctant, and his eyes are fixed on the ground. Hajime squeezes his fingers, trying to get him to calm down - the murmurs of the crowd aren’t doing anything to help the situation, though.
“We need to get out of here,” he mutters, pulling Oikawa closer. Oikawa even glances up, startled at the sudden contact as Hajime links them by the elbows - he’s not losing Oikawa in here, not now, not when there’s so much left to be said and he needs to clear this up now.
“Outside,” he says, loud enough for Oikawa to hear him and give him a shaky nod.
~~~
Fighting through a group of excitable and/or drunk college students is difficult - but what’s even worse, Hajime realizes, is when they part ways for you because they’re all staring.
Or, well, it feels that way, at least, as he pulls Oikawa towards the exit. In truth, half of them probably aren’t even paying attention, but those who are - well. Hajime is very, very glad to get out of this place as fast as possible.
Thankfully he remembers where he put their coats, so there’s no awkward searching around for them in the half-dark entrance area. Instead, he shrugs into his and watches Oikawa wrap his scarf around his neck before resolutely reaching out and taking him by the arm again. Oikawa gasps a little, but Hajime chooses to ignore it.
Don’t overthink it.
Hajime is pretty sure that Kuroo calls something after them, but he can’t bring himself to listen or care. He opens the door and ushers Oikawa outside, only allowing himself to breathe when he hears it click shut behind them.
He pulls Oikawa down the narrow corridor and towards the stairs. He doesn’t know where they’re going, except that he wants to put as much distance between the two of them and that party as possible.
When they reach the street, he takes off in direction of the bus stop that brought them here, for lack of a better option and for fear of getting lost.
It’s chilly, but not exactly cold - still, Hajime is sure he’s not imagining the way Oikawa tightens his grip just so. He’s walking beside him, uncharacteristically quiet, and his silence carries more weight than Hajime would have thought possible.
There’s a playground by the side of the road, Hajime remembers walking past it on their way here. He hesitates, thinking briefly how it might be better to go home, to have this conversation later - but really, he can’t wait. So he changes their path, walking Oikawa towards it.
The setter raises his head slightly at the new direction, but when he sees where they’re heading, he quickly looks down again, steps slowing ever so slightly.
Hajime tries not to let that discourage him - he owes Oikawa an explanation, after all, and… he needs to know where they stand, too.
They stop walking on the lawn leading up to an old set of swings, and Hajime turns to face him.
Now that they’ve stopped, Oikawa drops his arm - but he doesn’t step away. He’s hovering, almost like he isn’t sure what he’s allowed to do, or what Hajime expects.
Hajime clears his throat. “...what- uhm. What happened back there-”
Oikawa’s eyes dart up to meet his, and holding his gaze feels like a punch to the stomach. He looks so… wrecked.
It’s time for Hajime to explain himself. He takes a deep breath and lets go.
"Maybe- maybe I was waiting for a chance," he says. "To let you kiss me. Maybe that's why I didn't stop you."
Oikawa searches his face, teeth biting down on his lower lip. His hair is still a little disheveled, and it's incredibly distracting - all Hajime can think of is running his hands through it again, and pushing him up against the wall, and-
"Did- uhm. Did you... like it?"
And this is Oikawa fucking Tooru, looking bashful.
Hajime tilts his head a little, trying to read his expression.
“Did you?”
He’s picked the easiest answer, the non-answer, but he can't bring himself to really feel sorry for it. Oikawa has been torturing him as long as he can remember, so really, Hajime deserves a break. Plus, this gives him just a little more time to think about his real answer to that question. Or rather - a polite way to say "I need to keep kissing you like that for the rest of my life."
Oikawa glares at him, like he knows exactly what Hajime is doing. He refuses to play along, though.
"Yes," he says simply. "And I want to know where that leaves us. Am I gonna have to go back in there and drown myself in cheap vodka until I can't remember anything I did today? Find another easy, meaningless fling to cope with rejection? Or- or am I going home with you tonight?"
Oh.
Hajime allows himself a little sigh, because it hides the way his heart is pounding inside his chest. "...such a drama queen."
Oikawa doesn't grace that with an answer, and Hajime knows it's his turn now. No more dancing around this.
And really, if he’s honest, there's only one thing he wants.
He reaches for Oikawa's hand - he feels so far away right now, and Hajime doesn't like it at all.
"...I've... been having a hard time stopping myself from kissing you again," he says. Go big or go home. Push it until it breaks. "I want your hands in my hair again, and I want to cover that pretty neck of yours in hickeys to show all those idiots in there that you're mine."
Oikawa is blushing scarlet, eyes wide. "Iwa-"
"I want to shove you up against a wall and take you apart," Hajime continues, and Oikawa's breath hitches audibly. "I want all those little sounds you make, and I want to be the only one who hears them. I want-"
"Hajime!"
Oikawa reaches up to cover Hajime's mouth with his hands, and though he's hiding his face by fixing his gaze on the ground, the back of his neck is just as red under his scarf, and his arms are shaking.
Hajime stops talking, but he can't stop his lips from twisting into a smile. He's sure Oikawa can feel it, because he briefly increases the pressure before slowly, slowly lifting his head to glare at him.
"Y-you need to stop saying these things," he says, and Hajime is briefly immensely satisfied by how absolutely mortified he sounds.
He's loosened his grip, and Hajime manages to speak again.
"...does that answer your question?"
Oikawa moans, but it's cut off by an almost pathetic whimper.
"You're not fair, Iwa-"
"Hey. This is what you wanted, right?" He reaches over to twirl a stray strand of Oikawa's hair around his finger. He might be enjoying himself just a little too much.
"...Hajime," Oikawa groans, and damn, that's doing things to Hajime's heart.
"Hm?"
Oikawa is searching his face again, and something about the look in his eyes makes Hajime drop the act. Sure, it's fun to tease Oikawa, but, when it comes down to it-
The thing is, if Hajime knows Oikawa inside out, the same is also true for Oikawa. He sees the change in Hajime's expression, the subtle shift - and immediately, his eyes are watering again.
"Y-you..."
Oikawa's face scrunches up, and Hajime knows what's coming. He lets out the tiniest of sighs, and allows a small, honest smile to tug at the corners of his mouth - and that's all it takes.
Tears stream down Oikawa's face, and his expression is getting all twisted again, the way it always does. Hajime has never enjoyed watching him cry, really - it makes him want to cry as well.
Oikawa sniffles, although it's really just a gross, wet sound at this point, and Hajime huffs out a laugh. It's an instinct, he's already reaching up to cup Oikawa's face in his hands, wiping the tears off his cheeks with his sleeves.
"...why are you always such a mess, huh?"
Oikawa just gasps into a fresh wave of tears, teeth digging into his lower lip again even as he leans into Hajime's touch. Like magnets, Hajime thinks, or like gravity. Oikawa will always come back, without fail, and Hajime knows he will, too. Maybe this is inevitable.
Hajime doesn't want to believe in fate - this is a choice he's making, after all. A choice that feels right.
"H-Ha- Hajime-"
"Trust me to fall for the most troublesome person I know. Typical," Hajime says with a smile. Oikawa is practically blubbering, making a complete mess of himself. His shoulders are shaking, and Hajime wants to wrap his arms around him and never let go.
"Hajime-"
"Tooru, listen. Hey. It's gonna be okay. We're- we're gonna be okay."
Oikawa chokes on a sob, frantically blinking the tears out of his eyes so he can look at him, but he's not fast enough, and a fresh wave of crying makes him shudder.
"I know I tease you a lot, but- I'd never joke about this. Okay? You're- you're the most important person to me, and I-"
He takes a deep breath - but Oikawa needs to hear this. Tooru needs to hear this.
"I'm glad that it's you," he says, and Tooru sobs again. "I'm glad that you're the one I fell in love with."
Tooru slams into him with a wail, smushing his face against Hajime's chest and smearing his jacket with snot and tears. Hajime stumbles a little at the sudden weight, but his arms come up without even needing to think about it, like it's natural, like they were meant to pull him close. Tooru is still sobbing, and Hajime is pretty sure there are tears trailing down his own face, too, but he finally feels complete. Like Tooru is the last piece of the puzzle that's finally fitting itself right where it belongs - in Hajime's arms, close to his heart.