Chapter Text
Why ?
Why continuing ?
Is living really worth it ?
My cheeks were burning because of scratches. My lower lip was bleeding because of bite marks. My legs were trembling strongly, but my feet were well hooked to the stone, to the edge.
Why couldn't I do it ? It was not like I was important, not like I had a great future waiting for me.
I never had a lot of friends, so who would miss me ? My parents ?
Even if they loved me, they made me understand that they would have preferred a daughter, and one with better grades, a better attitude, a better look...
Tsukishima ? I had loved him since I could not remember now. He just didn't care. He had never really cared.
When I talked to him, his headphones were glued to his ears. When I brushed him unwillingly, he used to click his tongue like I was a dirty piece of shit. And the most important part, when I defended him, he wanted me to shut up.
I really could not understand why I was still hanging out with me.
What about the team ?
Oh because I was really part of that team ?
I was useless, all the other first years were starters. You would say that I could served ! But when I did so, I barely succeeded or it was pure luck. It would be better for the coaches if I were not there, like this they would have less kids to keep an eye on...
Yes, life would be better without me. Because I was a crybaby, even if I tried to hide it. I was always complaining about the littlest things. Tsukishima didn't like it, though.
I was not a big help, neither in the team or at home. My parents didn't fancy my laziness, but what they didn't now was that for me, doing things was sometimes a real struggle. I wanted, and I needed to stop this huge pain, this huge emptiness.
So, after a few blurry memories unfolding in my mind, I finally decided that I was ready. Hanging on the top of the bridge, the wind was assaulting my face, but it was reassuring, in a way. All this nonsense was ending soon-...
"OI ! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING !?" I heard a voice, a familiar one. This anxious tone was however usually not used by the teenager who had just spoken up.
What was he doing here ?
I felt stupid. I should have jumped earlier. Now, this boy was judging me... Calm down Tadashi, just one step and you would be free-...
"Hey ! Didn't you hear me !?" His angry way to articulate words took the control of his panicking sensation. Couldn't he leave me alone ?
However, I felt arms tightening around my waist. No, he was retaining me. Why was he doing that ? It was not like we were friends or something...
"Please.. Let me go..." My vocal chords were shaking, and I had not noticed that I was crying. I was not debating physically because I didn't want to hurt him. It was not his fault if I was a burden, he didn't have to handle any kind of pain.
"Yamaguchi, I thought you were smarter than that." With this, the taller teen brought me to the ground, on a safer spot, where I couldn't die.
He untied his grip on my body, finally letting me go. "Why did you retain me ?" I permitted myself to ask, turning my attention on the younger one.
"Are you kidding ? You were about to die ! Why did you do that ?" He paused a little before mumbling. "Plus, we have a training camp soon..."
"Is it your way to comfort people ? Right now, I don't care about volleyball." Kageyama offered me a frowned expression, but I ignored it. "Can you leave, now ?" I tried to be polite.
"No. If I go now, you'll join that bridge again. I'm walking you home." He affirmed. I thought it was a joke, but his yes were saying otherwise. So, after a few seconds of silence, we began to head to my house.
"Why are you out this late, anyway ?" I questioned to the setter. It was true that midnight had already rung.
"I couldn't sleep and it annoyed me, so I decided to go on a jog." He explained. "Why do you want to die ?" It was rough and sudden, but we couldn't expect anything else from the blue eyed male.
A quick shiver traveled my entire body in thinking about what I was about to do a few minutes ago.
"I just... Don't adore life that much, I guess ? I don't know... Everything feels empty or bitter. I often try to enjoy the small things, but it's... Complicated.." I narrated in an awkward manner. I did not know how to put my angst into words.
"...Then try something else ?" I wasn't sure to understand, and it was visible on my traits. "I mean, If you don't enjoy the little things... Try the big ones. Or the middle ones. Do something you know you'll like." Kageyama giving advice about life ? That was uncommon...
But maybe he was correct. I simply should try something else, getting out of the routine.
I disliked the judgment of my parents ? They wouldn't talk to me if I dodged them.
Having enough of being benched ? I could just skip matches and favorise practice instead, like this I could get better.
Tired of the salty personality of my crush ? I could answer him with the coldest tone, acting like I didn't care, exactly like he used to do.
"Thank you Kageyama !" I beamed, revealing all my teeth to the taller teenager. As we finally reached my house, we both waved goodbye.
Luckily, my progenitors didn't remark my absence as they were already sleeping when I quit the habitat.
Installed in my bed, I started to think, wondering about how I should behave from now. I was not in love with being the poor victim who was constantly being bullied by the jerks of the school. Even my best friend was a meanie toward me, I needed to change that. To be his equal, to not sob at the most insignificant difficulty.
I wanted to improve, to be better... At everything.
Okay Tadashi, from now, let's delete your feelings, your emotions, your thoughts, your worries... Let's become even more empty.
However, this challenge was far from easy...