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The new medical officer was the most beautiful man Garak had ever seen.
He thought that he’d left the part of him that got attracted to people behind in Cardassia, with Pythas and Palandine. Of course, sometimes a customer would walk into his shop, asking for a new dress or coat, and he would think for a second that they were good-looking. It was never more than a fleeting aesthetic appreciation. Real attraction was something he couldn’t afford.
This young doctor was different. As he entered the promenade, carrying a large bag while all but tripping over himself to talk to a Trill officer, Garak found himself studying the young man. He was tall and slender, with smooth brown skin and dark, slightly disheveled hair that looked soft to the touch. He moved with an elegance that Garak never saw with humans, and when he spoke his large, dark eyes lit up in a way that reminded Garak of the Cardassian night sky.
Luckily, the doctor was too busy speaking to the female Trill to notice Garak observing him from the doorway of his clothing store. That's a shame, was all Garak thought. It stood to reason that a young man would be attracted to a pretty Trill, and he was far from a pretty Trill. He simply went back into his store and started working on his commissions. He didn’t think about the new doctor anymore.
During the next weeks, he learned through the grapevine that the young man was called Julian Bashir. He was 27, fresh from the Academy. He had apparently called this part of space a ‘frontier’ on his first day right in front of the Bajoran first officer, talked too much, and chased every skirt he could find. But everyone agreed he was smart, worked long hours, and whenever he strode through the promenade Garak’s eyes couldn’t help but follow him. And every time Garak tried to do the same thing he did that first time he saw him - turn around and not think about the doctor anymore. It became more and more difficult with each passing day.
And so, when the time came for Garak to select a Starfleet officer to approach as a possible source of information, he told himself that he should not approach the doctor. He could approach officer Dax, who seemed happy to interact with anyone. Or perhaps he could befriend Keiko O’Brien, one of the few people who actually made time for a friendly chat with him whenever she visited the store, and establish a bond with the chief engineer through her. Maybe he could talk to captain Sisko, who didn’t seem to trust him in the slightest, but with whom he could probably set up a mutually beneficial agreement. But instead, when he saw the young doctor sitting alone at the Replimat one day, ethereal like one of the statues his father used to take care of, he suddenly forgot why he ever considered approaching anyone else.
‘It’s Doctor Bashir, isn’t it?’
*****
‘For the record, the commanding officer of Terok Nor eight years ago was Gul Dukat.’
Once he was done talking to Captain Sisko, the doctor turned towards Garak with a broad smile. He wasn’t necessarily looking for approval - it was clear that he knew he’d done a good job. Garak nodded approvingly anyway.
The doctor had been extremely un-Cardassian in his approach to the whole matter with Rugal and the orphans. So sentimental. So kind. But he had been smart and perceptive. He’d spoken up to Gul Dukat in a way that Garak couldn’t help but admire, even if it was just for the sheer audacity of it. And when he’d stopped the runabout, forcing Garak to give him the information he needed, the ex-spy had felt a flame ignite within him that had refused to burn for years.
There was something else too. It had been so long since Garak had worked together with someone, let alone someone who could match him. It was pleasant. And when the doctor looked at him with that beautiful smile, for a second creating a world that belonged to only the two of them, he remembered what it felt like to truly connect to another person.
A glowing ball of light started forming in his chest. A sense of pride, he realised. It was a nice sensation, the first nice sensation he’d felt in a long time that didn’t originate from his wire. He held onto it as he watched the young doctor enthusiastically tell his commander about their talk with Jomat Luson of the orphanage. Against his better judgment, he was intrigued by the way the doctor all but bounced around as he spoke. It was strangely endearing, and he could watch it for hours.
In the back of his mind, a small voice told him that he might be feeling something else besides pride. Garak refused to listen to it.
*****
‘I forgive you, for whatever it is you did.’
‘Thank you, doctor. That’s most kind.’
Garak had done everything in his power to avoid this scenario. He’d kept his addiction a secret. Chased Bashir away with anger. Told him the truth, hidden amidst a million lies. Attacked him. None of it had mattered. Bashir was simply too naïve and arrogant to understand that he should let him die. They were his best and most infuriating traits.
Their talk in the infirmary hadn’t quite been a shri-tal. Even as he was dying, Garak couldn’t find it in himself to tell Bashir the full, unobscured story, even if the young man was the only thing he had left for a friend in the universe. It didn’t matter. Bashir wouldn’t understand its meaning anyway.
Bashir took Garak’s hand as he forgave him. It was warm, almost scorching, and Garak hadn’t felt this safe in a long time. Bashir’s eyes, which looked at him with a sincere concern that he didn’t deserve, were a beacon of light in a world that was getting darker. If he was going to die, Garak thought, then it would be fine if they were the last thing he’d ever see. They were the closest thing he had to Cardassia.
Garak closed his eyes, overwhelmed with exhaustion. Bashir let go of his hand, leaving Garak feeling colder than ever before in his life. It didn’t really bother him anymore. He had made peace with dying. There was little point in living if he could never see his beloved homeland again.
And yet, the idea of never seeing Bashir again made him ache enough that a part of him wanted to live.
*****
‘That was awfully close. What if you’d killed me?’
‘What makes you think I wasn’t trying?’
He would’ve succeeded in that case, no doubt. Bashir was far more capable than that. Garak had only been saved by the doctor’s inherently good nature.
Originally, Garak had approached Bashir in a moment of physical weakness. He was attractive, and like many beings, Garak occasionally enjoyed an attractive bedpartner. But over the course of the past three years, his feelings had slightly shifted. His silly daydreams about their relationship became less about a romp in the dark and more about following the plot of a Cardassian romance novel. In a way, it was a relief. Garak had always struggled with denying himself short-term pleasures. Loving something from a distance came far more easily to him.
But as he looked at Bashir now, who had a gun in his hand and a look in his normally loving eyes that said he would hurt him more if he must, a dark and delicious hunger took hold of him. It was nothing like distant longing and daydreams of romantic walks. He wanted to drag Bashir to the nearest dark corner of the cave and ravish him until the only thing he could remember was Garak’s name.
If circumstances were even the slightest bit different, Garak might have tried to see if the good doctor would let him. But right now his friends were in danger, which meant that Bashir was not going to let anything distract him. Garak had always considered that eagerness to save a testament to the doctor’s naïveté. Only now did he realize that he might have sold Bashir short.
Bashir had once insisted on saving him against overwhelming odds. He would do the same for his friends now. Maybe it wasn’t the hubris of youth and a need to feel important that whispered in his ear that he could save the people around him. Maybe it was an inherent goodness that made him try and rewrite the stars, even if they burned him. And gods, did Garak love him for it.
He suppressed his physical desire for Bashir. That could be dealt with later, preferably by the two of them together or, more likely, by himself in his bedroom at artificial night. Instead, he ran his finger over the wound once more and told his friend to lead the way.
*****
‘Are you alone?’
‘Yes. There’s no one else but you and me.’
That was a lie, but Tain didn’t need to know that. He had, after all, been the one to teach Garak about the value of a good lie. Julian, on the other hand, needed to hear the truth.
While Garak was still fairly certain that Julian didn’t know the meaning of the shri-tal, he did know that the doctor was aware of the weight of seeing a Cardassian’s dead body. He looked over his shoulder once before they began, begging for Julian to understand what he was silently screaming at him by letting him be here.
I trust you enough to show you this part of me.
And Julian stayed, listened, and although they didn’t speak much about it afterwards, Garak knew he’d given his friend a piece of himself that he would never get back. It didn’t hurt him as much as he thought it would. If anything, he felt more whole than he ever had.
The sentiment was returned in kind the next day, when all Cardassians were told they could go home. For a minute, Garak believed he might be allowed to leave. He once again looked over his shoulder to meet Julian’s eye, torn between wanting to be free and having to leave his friend behind in this wretched place. The doctor nodded, a silent agreement forming between them.
I will come back with help.
I know. I trust you.
And even as the war forced distance between them once they’d returned to Deep Space Nine, Garak carried that trust with him. Julian never told anyone about Tain. And in exchange, Garak found himself believing that in spite of what he’d been taught all his life, there was someone there who would always try to save everyone. Who would always try to save him.
Maybe there was hope for him yet.
*****
A year after the war
‘A Tarkalean tea for you, doctor?’
Julian only nodded. Garak could tell something was on his mind this evening. He decided not to pry - while his friend had done an admirable job keeping his enhancements secret all those years, he had yet to learn the art of hiding his feelings. He would talk soon of his own volition.
Garak handed Julian the Tarkalean tea and sat down across from him at the tiny dining table in his small apartment on Cardassia. If it was important, he hoped Julian would at least wait until they were in a more presentable state before they’d talk about it. He himself was still dusty from cleaning rubble all day while Julian, whom Starfleet allowed to go to Cardassia for short-term relief work every few months, was covered in sweat and various hospital fluids of undetermined origin. The doctor often joked that he looked like a swamp monster after one of those days. To Garak, he looked like an angel of salvation.
‘Garak, have you been courting me?’ Julian asked after a few beats of silence.
‘Now, what makes you ask that, my dear Julian?’
For most of their friendship, Garak had feared this question. He’d devised multiple lies and plans that were meant to mislead Julian if he ever started to suspect anything. Most of them had been tailored to make use of Deep Space Nine and its inhabitants. As his friend continued talking, Garak idly wondered if any of them would work in this situation.
‘Well…’ Julian nervously rotated his cup of freshly replicated Tarkalean Tea in his hands. ‘One of the doctors at the Cardassia City hospital was talking about her own courtship with her now husband. She mentioned something about how… well, antagonizing he was. He’d go and see plays that he hated with her just for discussion, and for the longest time she was convinced they held completely different political views because he kept playing devil’s advocate. Apparently discussions like that are considered a staple of a Cardassian courtship.’
‘Is that all? Perhaps I just like debating.’
‘I never saw you do it with anyone else.’
‘I was always fighting with Gul Dukat,’ Garak reminded him. ‘Are you suggesting I was attracted to him?’
Julian looked like someone was forcing him to eat a rotten beet. ‘Thanks for that image.’
Garak started making the familiar calculations in his head, mapping out all the ways this conversation could go. He made a mental list of what he stood to win if he simply kept denying, and what he stood to lose if he admitted. There was a new scenario he found himself exploring as well, a path that only seemed worth considering after years of friendship with a certain optimistic Federation doctor - what he might win if he told Julian the truth.
‘Well, you started it. So, do you have any other evidence?’ he asked.
‘She mentioned getting gifts from him, like books and candy. He apparently had no sense of personal space around her. And he touched her shoulders regularly, which is apparently considered particularly flirty by Cardassian standards.’ Julian swallowed audibly. ‘And I… I think I can see it in the way you look at me. Am I wrong?’
There were a thousand ways Garak could talk himself out of this. And if he didn’t, there were a million things that he stood to lose - his access to Starfleet, Julian’s help with restoring Cardassia, and maybe even their friendship, just to name a few. But as Garak looked at Julian, his Julian, he knew in his bones that whatever the truth might break between them, the doctor would attempt to heal it. That was enough.
‘I’d say we are long past me simply trying to court you, my dear Julian. I am in love with you.’
‘You… are?’ For once, Julian Bashir was without words. He simply blinked, surprise in his dark eyes.
‘I am. You sound shocked, my dear. You were the one who just asked me about it.’
‘I knew you found me attractive, but I didn’t know it was love.’ He smiled sheepishly. ‘But it must be, since this is probably the least attractive I’ve ever looked.’
‘I quite disagree. You are never more beautiful than when you’ve just spent a day restoring my homeland,’ Garak said. He could see that Julian didn't believe him, but Garak had never been more truthful in his life.
‘For how long?’
‘I wouldn’t be able to give you an exact date, I’m afraid, but I think we can safely say it’s been quite a few years.’
‘Why not tell me earlier?’
‘You were there, my dear Julian. There was always something going on. A malfunction, a plague, a war. This is the first opportune moment we have, is it not?’ There had been a lot of other reasons, most of them some mixture of self-preservation and self-loathing. But the most important one was simply that he loved Julian too much to take any action before he’d also trusted him. And by the time he realized that he did, Cardassia was in danger, and Cardassia was the one thing that took priority over Julian. Someday Garak would tell him all that, but that was not for today. There were more important things to discuss first.
‘I see.’ The surprised look on Julian’s face made place for one of the brightest smiles Garak had ever seen. That sight alone made his burst of emotion worth it. ‘I love you too.’
Garak stood up from his chair. He was dying to know Julian’s side of the story - the hows and whens, and of course why the doctor himself hadn’t come out and told Garak about his feelings either. But first, he needed to satisfy that warm desire that took a hold of him the moment Julian had said the word ‘love’. He walked over to his beloved, who had gotten up as well, and kissed him deeply and fiercely, the way he’d wanted to for years.
When they finally let go an eternity later, Julian looked at him with so much affection it made Garak’s chest ache.
‘It will have to be a bit of a long distance thing for the time being,’ Julian said, leaning his forehead against Garak’s. ‘Starfleet will only give me clearance for these short-term missions. So I can only be on Cardassia for a week or so once every few months.’
‘I can live with that,’ Garak said. He’d resigned to loving Julian from a distance for the rest of his life anyway. Any shortening of that distance was already more than he’d ever hoped for.
‘But I’ll see about transferring to Cardassia long-term,’ Julian promised. ‘I’m sure I can make a good case.’
‘Do you not wish for me to join you again at the space station?’ Garak asked. He didn’t think he wanted to. But right now he was so high on happiness that he would agree to anything Julian asked of him.
‘I couldn’t ask you to leave Cardassia again.’ Julian laid a hand on his cheek and stroked it with his thumb. ‘I, on the other hand, don’t care where I end up. I just need it to be somewhere I can do good.’
‘We need all the good we can get. Cardassia would be happy to have you.’ Garak kissed him again. ‘I would be happy to have you.’
‘Then I’ll get that ball rolling. For now - can I stay the night?’ There was an undertone of uncertainty to Julian’s voice. It surprised Garak.
‘Nothing would please me more, my love,’ he answered. And to his surprise, as he took Julian in his arms again, he realized that he felt no uncertainty at all.