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𝘣𝘳𝘶𝘪𝘴𝘦 (𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘯)

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘳𝘺 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘤𝘳𝘪𝘣𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘴 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘰𝘤𝘤𝘶𝘳𝘴 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘢𝘯 𝘪𝘯𝘫𝘶𝘳𝘺 𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘶𝘮𝘢, 𝘰𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘦𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘢 𝘵𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘢𝘳𝘺 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺.

𝘈𝘯 𝘶𝘯𝘰𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘦.

𝘐𝘯 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘣𝘳𝘶𝘪𝘴𝘦𝘴.

𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘪𝘵 𝘴𝘶𝘣𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘴 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘭𝘦𝘧𝘵.

𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘣𝘳𝘶𝘪𝘴𝘦, 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘰𝘶𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘳 𝘣𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘶𝘱, 𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘷𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘰𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘵.

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Today is like any other day at the pitt for you. Loud, engaging chaos from doctors and patients alike but to you it’s an everyday normal as a nurse navigating the emergency department. 

In the e.r. you’re known as ‘sunshine’, nicknamed after your kind and upbeat personality. You’re glad to help anyone and everything you can with kind words, an empathetic spirit, and lending an ear or shoulder for others when needed.

It takes a lot to bring down your spirit and unfortunately it happened just last week in the violent event of the pittfest shooting. You can still feel it, the phone call coming into the department. Dana’s worried yet firm tone announcing that there had been a mass shooting at pittfest and to prepare for the influx of victims on their way. 

Memories from about a year ago threatened to overtake you in that moment but no, not now. That could wait until later.

You and every nurse and doctor were hands on and never slowed a beat. Victims ranged from young children, teens and adults. All fighting for their lives, you guys fighting for them as well. 

Jack Abbot, one of the attendings present and your boyfriend of 7 months, was right in the thick of it with you. Both of you moving in sync and moving to anywhere either of you were needed.

He was a steady and calm presence amongst the chaos, looking up every so often to check for you. You were capable of handling situations like this but he couldn’t help but check in silently. 

When the flood of victims had been attended to, he looked up to see you quickly make an exit to a nearby hallway. That’s where he finds you ready to burst at the seams. When you could now fall apart.

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𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘶𝘱 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘷𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘮, 𝘦𝘹𝘩𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘥, 𝘢𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘤𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘥. 𝘛𝘰𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘰𝘧 𝘪𝘵. 

𝘠𝘰𝘶’𝘷𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘯𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘭𝘦𝘧𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘶𝘯𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦. 

𝘘𝘶𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘭𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘳𝘶𝘯 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘯 𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘵𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺, 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘴𝘭𝘪𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘭, 𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘵. 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘰𝘵. 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘯’𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘷𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘨𝘶𝘯𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘵 𝘷𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘴, 𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘢 𝘮𝘢𝘴𝘴 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘭𝘶𝘥𝘦𝘥. 

𝘑𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘷𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘴, 𝘵𝘦𝘦𝘯𝘢𝘨𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺.

𝘛𝘰𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘦. 

𝘈𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘰𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘧𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘲𝘶𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘵𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘴𝘶𝘧𝘧𝘰𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘠𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘰 𝘧𝘰𝘤𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥 𝘤𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯 𝘰𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘱𝘶𝘭𝘭 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘮𝘴

𝘑𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘭𝘦𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘯𝘰 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘧𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘧𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘳𝘯. 

𝘐𝘵 𝘣𝘳𝘰𝘬𝘦 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘴, 𝘢𝘳𝘮𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘣𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘣𝘴 𝘸𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺.

𝘏𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘲𝘶𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘶𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘲𝘶𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘭𝘺 𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘳, 𝘱𝘶𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘵.

 “𝘏𝘦𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵, 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸, 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘵 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵𝘴 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘦 𝘴𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘴 𝘰𝘶𝘵. 𝘚𝘩𝘩 𝘴𝘩𝘩 𝘴𝘩𝘩,” 𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘶𝘳𝘮𝘶𝘳𝘴 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘢𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘦’𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦. 

𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘴 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 “𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘨𝘰𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘴𝘶𝘯𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘦, 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘧𝘰𝘳 3 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳 4. 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵’𝘴 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘩𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘺, 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵.” 

𝘐𝘵 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘴 𝘢 𝘧𝘦𝘸 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘶𝘵𝘦𝘴 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘪𝘳 𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘪𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘭𝘶𝘯𝘨𝘴, 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘵𝘦 𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨. 

𝘑𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘶𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶. 𝘏𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘳𝘰𝘬𝘦𝘯 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘥𝘢𝘺. 𝘏𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘯𝘰 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘢 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶. 

𝘏𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴𝘯’𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘴𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘢𝘨𝘰 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘢 𝘷𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘮 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦. 

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘰𝘮 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘶𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘣𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘤𝘳𝘢𝘻𝘺. 

𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘶𝘱 𝘯𝘰𝘸.

 𝘚𝘰 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘮𝘵𝘩 𝘰𝘧 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘦𝘮𝘣𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘢𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

You shake your head to clear your mind. As much as last week brought up your trauma, you choose to put on a brave face and make it through another day.

Since you had completed your rounds with patients, Dana had assigned you to a few extra charts and miscellaneous errands.

 You’re at the nurses station with Robby and Dana finishing up the charts when you sense someone standing over you. 

“Can I help you?” Slowly standing up you raise your head and freeze. 

“Yeah, I think you’re who I'm looking for. Y/n right?” the all too familiar face asks you.

Both Robby and Dana look at the newcomer, you, and then to each other. Each with the same questioning look. They don’t bring any attention to themselves but listen closely.

“Y-yeah, that's…me” you say looking into the face of 1 of 3 teenagers you tried to help save during a mass shooting in Philadelphia a year ago.

“Im Nathaniel, Nate for short. I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfortable but I’ve been looking for you. To thank you for… for saving me and my friends that day. I’m sorry it took me so long but I thought you worked in Philadelphia at the hospital. Not all the way out here ha,” he says with a nervous chuckle 

You blink a few times still bewildered “I didn’t know what happened to you three. I- I tried to get any information but with HIPPA and all… they couldn’t but I left a card with my info just in case I could hear anything back… I never did. I assumed the worst given the circumstances,” you say somberly.

“It’s okay I- I’m okay. We all are. Thanks to you. The guys couldn’t come with me but they wrote letters. We’re incredibly thankful- I’m… thank you for risking your life for us. For not leaving us behind. You didn’t have to stay. I know you got shot too.” He says a bit quieter. Sadder.

The revelation leaves the older attending and charge nurse in disbelief. You? Their sunshine? Had been shot?

 Hearing only the small bit of information they remain silent but in awe of your bravery revealed in that moment.

“It’s okay Nate. I wouldn’t change anything about what I did that day. Yes I'm a nurse and it’s my job to help but it’s also just who I am. And if the roles were reversed I hope someone would do the same for me” you give a tight smile, tears threatening to spill.

“Can I give you a hug?” He says as a tear falls down his cheek. Quickly standing you make your way around the desk with a genuine smile.

 “of course-“ you say, embracing him. His towering figure holds you tight and you him.

“I’m so glad you guys are okay. I thought about you three every day, hoping maybe I helped that day. Maybe you guys lived” you say with a sniffle, taking a slight step back.

“Okay we can’t get too sappy now,” Nate says with a teary smile trying to lighten the mood. You laugh a little, wiping a stray tear off your face.

-----

Across the room Jack is observing your interaction with Nate closely. He looks around your age, not bad looking either. 

He feels the doubt and insecurity creep in. 

Who was this guy?

 There was a familiarity between you two that he couldn’t place but it worried him nonetheless. Maybe you wanted someone younger, closer in age. 

Then you hug this mystery guy and now the insecurity is screaming. Jack can’t keep watching so he turns around to occupy himself with something other than the thoughts he can’t escape.

-----

It’s the end of the day. You walk behind Jack into his apartment, both of you exhausted from another day as doctor and nurse. He was quiet on the drive home, more quiet than usual.

“Hey babe, everything okay?” you say, grabbing his hand gently. 

“Nothing, just tired,” he murmurs, not looking in your direction. 

“Jack, seriously. What’s wrong?” You walk in front of him, hands moving his face to look at you. In his eyes you can see something unnamed, something sad, unsure.

“Who was he?” He says, voice small. “That guy at the nurses station.” It dawns on you what he’s referring to 

“That was Nathaniel. Nate.” You say not looking away from his eyes.

“He looked nice. Your age. Handsome…”

Your face scrunches in confusion “I- uh yeah he was nice and he’s like 22 i think? Wha-what’s this about Jack?”

“Do you want someone younger? Someone like him?” he asks sounding defeated, no longer looking you in the eye.

“You think me an- you think I want him? Jack listen he-“ you grab his shoulders to explain who Nathaniel is.

“Of course you’d want someone younger, better looking, less baggage, better-“ he’s cut off by your outburst 

“JACK STOP” your heart racing, worried for your terribly, slightly jealous boyfriend. 

“I’m not into Nathaniel. I literally just learned his name today. He’s- I-…” you sigh looking down.

 You’ll never be ready to rehash that terrifying day but you’d do anything to ease Jack’s mind. 

“I survived a mass shooting a year ago in Philadelphia,” your voice trembles slightly as you finally say it out loud. Jack's head shoots up, looking in your eyes with shock written all over his face.

“W-what? No, no that’s-” he shakes his head thinking he heard you wrong. “Mass shooting? The fuck-what??” He inches closer in shock and confusion.

“That trip I took to Philadelphia last year and then I took 2 weeks off after? It wasn’t for extended vacation. It was to heal from a GSW to my leg.”

You go to sit on the couch before explaining more "I was at a city festival in Philadelphia. Sunny day, laughter, good food and lots of people. It was a great day, until someone opened fire out of nowhere,” you swallow thickly but continue. 

“I tried to get out but then I felt burning in my leg. A bullet wound. It hurt so bad I-“ your breath catches at the memory. 

“It’s okay sweetheart,” Jack says quietly, sitting on the floor in front of you as he takes in this new information.

Closing your eyes you can almost see it clearly “I knew I had to keep moving but then I heard someone begging for help. They sounded desperate, terrified. A group of 3 guys, 17, 18 years old maybe?” trying to recount the moments.

“They all had multiple bullet wounds but one was worse than the others. I took all of our shirts and did my best to make some tourniquets, anything to slow the bleeding.”

Jack notices you start to wring your fingers. He grabs them gently but firm with reassurance as you continue.

“I was afraid that I’d try and none of them would make it or there would be someone who would watch the other die because I couldn’t save them” tears start falling now.

“Once some bleeding slowed, me and one guy carried their friend, while Nate held onto me for support. It didn’t take long for us to find an ambulance loading as many bodies that could fit. They could only take two so me and Nate let the other two get in.” 

“Me and Nate ended up in the back of a pickup truck. He was still bleeding badly so I just kept pressure and I just begged for a miracle” you say in a whisper.

“We eventually made it to the nearest trauma center and all of them were taken back. I couldn’t get any information from staff since I didn’t work there and also HIPPA but I wrote on a card I found. I left my name and maybe my number? I don’t remember but just in case they could maybe update me or in case no family came and I could just- I don’t know, be there?” 

Jack's holding you in his arms now, hand rubbing your back in soothing motions. “You were already there for them. More than anyone else that day.”

“I know but I never knew what happened to them. Did they live? Die? Did I do enough? That day haunts me a lot but sometimes I forget until I hear a gunshot. Or something that sounds similar. Or a GSW trauma comes in. It’s like this bruise in my mind. I forget it’s there until something touches it, reminds me of it,  and then it’s like I’m back there again.” 

“Baby you did everything you could with what you had and given the circumstances. You couldn’t have done any better,” he turns your face towards his “and you did save him. His friends too, I'm assuming. And even if you hadn’t, you did everything you could.” kissing your forehead softly. You lean your forehead against his.

“Cmon let’s get in bed for the night,” he helps you stand and leads you to his bedroom. He strips down to his briefs and grabs a tshirt, handing it to you. You take it with a quiet ‘thank you’ and strip down to your underwear and throw the shirt on. 

You both get in bed. Jack goes to pull the covers over you both but stops suddenly. He sees your left leg, a golf ball-sized scar on your upper thigh.

 How did he not notice that before? He’s had you in bed plenty of times and never saw the slightly pink scar.

 Gently he runs a finger over it “Does it hurt at all?” 

“Not much anymore. I honestly forget it’s there sometimes. Sometimes I get a phantom pain but that’s it” you sigh, covering his hand with yours.

Jack pulls you closer to him into his side, you tuck your face into the crook of his neck. “I’m sorry for how I acted about Nate. Had I known I-“

“It’s okay Jack. You didn’t know and I also was not expecting to ever see him again.” you grab his face and bring it closer to yours.

“ And by the way let me make this clear. I want YOU, only you. You’re everything to me. I’m sorry I never told you about Nate and the shooting. I’m sorry I made you doubt me but please don’t ever doubt how much I love you. I love you so damn much” you place a gentle, lingering kiss on his lips.

“Thank you for telling me. You didn’t owe me any of that until you were ready” he looks at you.

Pulling you back in for another kiss, he hums against your mouth, content “I love you too sunshine, so damn much.”