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Another day, another chat with the Grim Reaper you have (unwisely, really) become attached to. You smile to yourself as you boot up the laptop; it’s only been a few days, and yet, your feelings are already so intense…
Well, you did always fall fast and hard. Usually though, that lead you to a lot of metaphorical pain and literal heartbreak. You hope that this time it won't, but, well…
With your bet, if you lose, Casper would quite literally be the death of you.
You frown at that reminder.
Somehow, death itself doesn’t scare you. It’s the thought of losing more time with him that does.
And with that thought, more and more anxieties rush in from the back of your mind where they had been laying in wait to pounce on you. A prominent one sticks out.
‘What if he hates me for being trans? For not having the body he expects a guy to have? I mean, he saw me last night when he delivered the flowers, but that was through a window, and I was wearing baggy clothes…fuck. Fuck. Does he even know what being trans means? Ugh, I’m spiraling…maybe I can distract myself by texting Casper.’
For a few days, those worries are easily swept aside for much bigger ones; first you were sick, then Casper befell the same fate, then the whole ‘we’re in danger, oh shit we can both become mortal if we merge our souls together, oh my god it actually worked’ situation happened…
Let’s just say, your other concerns were not exactly a priority.
Until now.
You and Casper, now both mortal, had been returned from the Underworld a few hours ago. Even with how exhausted both of you were, neither of you wanted to fall asleep just yet. And so, there you were, sharing your bed once more, Casper on his back with both arms wrapped tightly around you, your arms around him equally as tight and your head resting on his chest, right over his beating heart. You had never realized how comforting the sound of someone’s heart could be before now.
Technically speaking, it was the perfect environment to fall asleep in. Really, you shouldn’t have any qualms about it.
And of course, that is when the anxiety decides to sneak in again, making you restless. You shifted around slightly, trying to be as subtle about it as possible, but of course the now ex-Grim Reaper still noticed.
“My love, are you alright? Would you like to reposition, or have some space? I understand that I am clinging onto you rather, ah…tightly,” Casper asked, blushing as he spoke the last part of his sentence. You shook your head, not trusting your voice to be steady with the thick lump in your throat, just burying your face further against your lover’s chest. ‘His flat chest,’ a small, bitter voice in your brain reminded you, ‘unlike your own.’
With your view of Casper’s face blocked, you missed the intense look of concern he took on as he heard your breathing start to stutter and intensify, a frown appearing on his lips and a furrow becoming apparent in his brow. You tried your hardest to steady your breathing, really, you did, but it seemed as though that one thought released a tightly pressed cork and all the other insecurities came hurtling out like an overly-shaken bottle of champagne.
‘You’re not enough for him.’
‘He’ll regret wanting to be mortal once he realizes how much of a burden you are.’
‘He’ll stop finding you attractive soon enough; they always do.’
‘Why would someone like him want someone like you?’
‘You’re too feminine to be a good boyfriend.’
‘You’re not gonna be enough of a real man for him.’
‘He’s gonna leave as soon as he finds out.’
‘He’s gonna leave, and he’s gonna hate you for making him mortal, and you’ll never get to see the love of your life again -’
“Hey, hey, sweetheart, I need you to breathe for me, okay? Please?” Casper’s slightly shaking voice is what breaks you out of your thought spiral, though unfortunately not out of your panic attack. You feel his hand under your chin, and don’t bother to struggle against his grip when he gently turns your face up to look at him. You can’t see very well through your tearful eyes, but you think you see him smile softly, sadly.
“There you are, sunshine. You’re gonna be okay, I promise,” he says, the hand under your chin moving to cup your cheek and wiping away some of the tears on it. You can’t help leaning into the touch, hoping against hope that this isn’t the last time you get to feel his loving hands caressing you with such care.
“Now, can you take some deep breaths for me please? I know you’re not usually one for following directions, but if you keep this up, you’ll pass out from lack of oxygen.” The tone of his voice becomes gently teasing, but fades back to concern as you shake your head.
“C-can’t,” you gasp out between shaky inhales and exhales, trying your damndest to actually follow his directions for once but finding your lungs unable to cooperate. Casper frowns again as he wipes away the latest stream of tears from your face, his other hand rubbing soothing circles on your back. You try to focus on that, on his own exaggeratedly slow breathing, on his heartbeat beneath your ear. Your breathing soon calms, thankfully, but with that calm comes the capability to breathe, and with that come hiccups that turn into full-blown sobs that aren’t blocked anymore. You try to hide your face in Casper’s chest again, but he won’t let go of your face, not letting you hide away from him like you so desperately wish you could. “Casper…” your voice is nothing but a wet whimper, and you hate it, but before you can focus on that too much he is once again gently stroking your cheek.
“Shh, it is alright my darling, you do not have to hide from me. Keep breathing for me, okay?” You nod shakily, hiccupping painfully as you try to hold back yet another sob. Casper tuts at you. “Holding it back will only cause you more pain, love. Let it out; it is okay, I am here with you, you are safe,” he pauses briefly before amending his statement, “we are both safe. No harm will befall us.” He takes away the arm around your back, and you whine at the abrupt loss of contact before feeling a soft tissue pressed against your wet face, gently wiping away the salty residue of past tears and the flowing waters of new ones falling. The hand that was previously on your face goes to hold you, arm around your shoulders and hand reaching up to stroke your hair soothingly.
As Casper maintains his ministrations, he also keeps up the comforting whispers of sweet nothings; eventually, after minutes or maybe hours, your sobs become softer cries, and those cries peter out to hiccups, and those turn to sniffles.
Casper is there with you, holding you, through all of it.
Once you fall silent, breathing more or less back to normal, you move a hand up to rub at your eyes, flushing in both exertion from your breakdown and embarrassment that Casper had to see you like that. Before your hand reaches its destination, you feel one of his hands catch it in midair. As much as you’d prefer to go die in a hole out of shame, you look up and make eye contact with him once more. Clearing your throat, you try for a flirty smile. “Anyone ever tell you that you have really pretty eyes?”
Casper raises an unimpressed eyebrow. “Yes. You, for one, and myself for another. I do have a mirror after all. Now, don’t think you can avoid talking about this so easily, little mortal.” He squeezes your hand gently, and at first you’re tempted to try getting out of this discussion once more, like you have many times with many other partners and people in the past -
But his eyes shine with deep concern, and his pretty lips are in a worried frown, and his thumb is stroking the back of your hand oh so lovingly, and good lord, you’re down bad for this man…
You sigh in defeat. “Okay…I’ll talk about it. Just…before we have this conversation, can I make a request?” Casper raises an eyebrow, and you take that as your cue to continue. “Can I…um…can I hide my face in your neck please? I swear, I’m not just trying to fluster you into distraction!” You add defensively upon seeing his eyes squint at you in suspicion. “I just find your scent really comforting, and not seeing your facial expressions or worrying about mine would help me have this conversation properly,” you explain, flushing red once more, subconsciously fiddling with the tips of Casper’s fingers.
After a moment of consideration, he nods, and you two reposition slightly. Where before, you were laying down, now you are sitting up, pressed tightly against Casper’s side and face tucked into his neck and head under his chin. Your hands are still intertwined, Casper’s thumb still rubbing the back of yours gently.
Taking a deep breath, you exhale somewhat shakily. This topic never gets easier to broach, you swear. “This might seem like an unrelated question, but I promise it’s relevant, okay?”
Casper chuckles. “Now why does that phrase sound familiar?”
You snort wetly, elbowing him lightly before continuing. “What do you know about trans people?”
You feel more than hear his hum of consideration. “Well, admittedly not as much as I’d like to; I know the basics, I would say, but not many details. Why do you ask, sunshine?”
You take a moment to breathe in and out. The arm around your shoulders squeezes in what you think (hope) is encouragement. “Well…I’m not sure if you know this already, given how long you were watching me, but…I’m trans. A transgender guy, to be clear,” you rush to clarify. Casper’s hand squeezes yours tightly. “I know it might seem obvious, lord knows I don’t manage to pass as a guy sometimes, but you always refer to me with masculine terms, even when we first met, and I’m scared that you might be disappointed th-that I’m not a real guy, even though you wanted a guy, or you might feel lied to or, or, or-”
You start to hiccup around your words and Casper shushes you gently, tugging you somehow even closer to him as you try to re-balance your breathing again. You nuzzle into his neck, sighing in relief as the scent of his cologne, hair-care products, and something else so distinctly Casper floods your senses. After a few moments, you feel a bit calmer again, and quietly apologize, mumbling it into the soft skin of his neck. Casper takes a deep breath and exhales, silent for a moment before speaking.
“Darling, it’s okay. You have nothing to apologize for, other than that ‘not a real guy’ nonsense.” Your quiet gasp is not commented on, though you do get a hand-squeeze in return. “You are you, after all, and you are very real. As you are real, that means that you are, in fact, a real guy, biology notwithstanding,” Casper asserts, full assuredness and confidence in his voice.
You thought you couldn’t find anymore tears within you to cry again tonight, yet here you are, though this time they are more joyful than sad. Casper once again takes your face into his hand, cupping it as he raises your head to make eye contact with him. “Sunshine, you have not lied to me for a single moment, not about this. Even if I had not already known, I would never hold your identity against you.” He smiles, though it is once again tinged with sadness. “I do apologize for not being able to give you the gift of coming out to me on your own terms, though. I began my monitoring of you and your movements once you became an adult -”
“-right as I finally realized my gender identity completely,” you finish, receiving a nod and a look of exasperation upon being interrupted.
“Yes, exactly. Once I overheard some conversations, and your name on the list changed to your preferred name, and your pronouns on your profile changed to be he/him, it was difficult to not connect the dots,” Casper explains. “I had a bit of knowledge on the subject before you, but did a bit more research specifically about transgender men. It was quite informative.” His face was pensive as the hand that was holding you against him stroked your side. Your squeal when he accidentally hit a ticklish spot distracted him from whatever he was thinking so hard about, bringing a delighted, mischievous smile to his face.
Your eyes widened. “Casper, I swear to fucking - if you do what I think you’re about to do -”
“Do what?” His tone carried a false innocence to it, directly contradicting his facial expression and the testing taps his fingers made against your ribs. You tried your best, but couldn’t hold back the shriek of laughter that escaped you. The sound seemed to only egg the ex-Grim Reaper on, his grin widening and his fingers dancing faster across your side. Abruptly, you found yourself laying on your back, Casper hovering above you with an arm by each of your sides.
“Well, fuck me,” you muttered in defeat, lips twitching upwards at the immediate blush that appeared on Casper’s face at your words.
“I- well, that wasn’t q-quite what I had in mind…” He mumbled, making you snort and miss his addendum. “Maybe later, though…”
You blink. “Uh, what?”
Casper immediately goes for gold, both hands attacking your sides with a steady onslaught of tickles. You are successfully distracted from whatever it was he’d whispered to himself, laughing uproariously and snorting in what you’re sure has to be an unattractive manner as he continues, however when you open your eyes and blink away the tears yet again, all you see on his face is unmistakable fondness and delight.
As his hands move up your torso, you find yourself strangely grateful that you’d forgotten to take your binder off earlier. With it on, there was an extra layer of protection from the tickle monster that was your boyfriend, so you’re able to finally catch your breath a bit, your laughter petering out into light giggles every now and then. By now, Casper’s hands have stopped moving, simply rubbing circles into the top area of your ribs with a lovesick smile you never could have imagined being aimed your way.
The sheer amount of love in his gaze is breathtaking, and you can’t help it when your hand reaches up to caress his face. Casper melts into your palm, turning to nose into it and pressing a kiss to the center, continuing the path of gentle kisses all the way down to your wrist, where he rests his lips contentedly upon your pulse-point, eyes half-mast. “Oh, baby,” you breathe, smiling helplessly as he opens his eyes just enough to make eye contact with you as he nudges back into your palm. “How did I end up so lucky, having the sweetest, most attractive and loving man as my boyfriend?” You sigh, relishing in the pleased shudder you see run across Casper’s body.
He shakes his head. “No, sunshine, I think I’m the one who’s lucky to have you as my boyfriend,” he whispers, his hands still petting adoringly along your sides; as they do, your hoodie rides up a bit, leaving some of his fingers now touching you through your chest binder rather than your hoodie. His ministrations come to a stop at the feeling of slightly stiffer fabric. “My love, correct me if I am wrong, but aren’t you supposed to take the binder off before bed?”
You sigh again. “Damn, and here I was hoping you wouldn’t notice…”
Casper lets out a brief puff of laughter, the air warm against the skin of your hand. “I notice all, love. Now, why don’t you take this off and give your ribs and lungs a break? At this point, it’s probably been far longer than eight hours…” His face leaves your hand, and he sits back up, turning around so that he can’t see you. “Let me know when it is alright for me to turn around, okay? Don’t rush for my sake; I care not how long it takes, as long as you can take it off without injuring yourself. Got that, sunshine?”
You hum in agreement, lifting the edges of your hoodie and pulling the garment over your head. Once off, you give it a sniff before grimacing, tossing it into the hamper across the room. ‘Yeesh, that definitely needs to be washed ASAP. Come to think of it, if my hoodie smells that bad, the binder is probably bad off too…fucking hell,’ you think, taking a deep breath and releasing it as you grab the bottom edges of the garment. While putting on and taking off binders is not exactly simple, you have gotten a decent amount of practice…all of which is null and void in the face of your current exhaustion. With more effort than you’d care to admit, you manage to tug it halfway up your chest, exposing it to the cool air of the apartment. Barely halfway done, and already you’re this exhausted? ‘Damn it all, I think I need to bite the bullet and ask Casper for help,’ you huff in frustration at the thought, slumping over a bit in defeat as your ribs twinge.
“Hey, Casper?” You call over your shoulder. He hums questioningly in response, tilting his head. ‘Cute…’ You shake your head, getting rid of any more distracting thoughts for the moment. “I’m sorry for asking, but could you please help me take it off? I don’t usually struggle this much, but…”
Casper turns his head, not looking down but instead meeting your eyes, a slight furrow to his brow. “I understand, sunshine. Today has been more taxing than usual, yes?” You nod, pouting a bit. “Don’t worry, I’ll help. And do stop apologizing for things you don’t need to apologize for - how many times have you told me that I can depend on you? It goes in both directions, idiot,” he reprimands tenderly, turning the rest of his body to face your back. “Now, what do you need me to do?”
“Ah, just grab the back edges of it and help push it upwards so that it actually comes off. I’ll do the same on my side, but it’s easier with two sets of hands when it’s this stubborn.”
As you turn your head back to face in front of you, you hear the concerned frown in his voice. “This happens often?”
You jump slightly at the feeling of his hands on your back, relaxing once again quickly. “Kind of? It’s been happening more and more lately, which probably means I need to get a new one, but good binders are pricey and the thought of taking my updated measurements nearly sends me into a dysphoric spiral, so I’ve been saving up…and procrastinating.” As you speak, the two of you work slowly but surely to ease the binder off of your torso; once it’s finally off, you sigh in relief. As helpful as it is to stave off the chest dysphoria, having it on for too long feels almost suffocating.
Quickly, you pat around your pillow before finding your pajama shirt shoved beneath it, tugging it on so that Casper doesn’t see anything you’re not ready for him to see. Decent once more, you turn back to face him, smiling gratefully. “Thank you for helping, Cas, I do feel a lot better now. Well, physically, at least,” you mumble the second sentence, but Casper hears you anyway.
Laying back down, he gestures for you to re-join him, which you happily do, taking the position you’d started in once more. You sigh contentedly as Casper starts massaging your back and ribs delicately, minding how much pressure he uses. “Sunshine?” You only hum back in response, but turn your head slightly to show that you’re listening. “I…would it help you if I took your measurements for you, or kept you company whilst you took them? It may not take away all of the emotional distress, but as you’ve noted before, I can be a very attractive distraction.” Despite the teasing words at the end, his voice is nothing but tender affection and care. You melt even more into him than you had before, nodding rapidly.
“Yes, please…I know it’d probably fluster both of us a shit ton, even though we’re both intense flirts, but I’d really appreciate that…either option, honestly. I’ll decide in the morning,” you say into his shirt, muffled but still audible.
“Alright, sounds like a plan. Now, how about we both get some long-needed sleep, hm? We’ll need it, for that decision but most importantly, we will need as much energy as possible to introduce Azrael to your menagerie of plushies.”
You giggle sleepily, nuzzling further against Casper’s chest. “Of course, of course. Gotta keep our priorities straight. Our children getting along is very important, a proper introduction is imperative.”
You feel Casper nod in agreement. “Agreed. Now, stop talking, or we’ll -” a jaw-cracking yawn briefly interrupts his sentence, causing you to yawn as well, before he continues, “-never fall asleep.”
You hum in wordless agreement, tugging a blanket over the two of you. “‘Night, Casper. I love you, baby,” you whisper, the last few words a bit slurred as you get closer and closer to falling asleep.
You feel the blanket get adjusted ever so slightly, along with a kiss placed on top of your head. “Goodnight, my captivating, handsome darling.” Even half asleep, your heart jumps at the gender euphoria of being called handsome, and you can’t help the sleepy smile that emerges on your face.
Right as you’re on the verge of falling fully asleep, you hear Casper’s voice once more. “I love you too, sunshine. So much more than words can say…sleep well, love, and may you dream only of the nicest, sweetest things.”
Your dreams are, of course, filled with Casper.
What else could possibly fit the bill, after all?