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Changkyun looked over the city skyline. Here he was, sitting on his desk that faced the windows with a beautiful view, living in a beautiful apartment he was able to afford because of his hard work. He thought of the events that led up to him being here. He thought of that fateful day, where the strong winds ruffled the leaves of the tall trees.
And of Kihyun.
Changkyun sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He kept looking at the skyline. When Changkyun first entered the apartment, it was the first thing he noticed. It took his breath away. The realtor who showed him the apartment explained how the sun passed through in the afternoon, but thanks to the buildings in front of the apartment, the sun stayed hidden. It was not a bother to those living here, and it made the buildings in front look like silhouettes. She was right, Changkyun thought as he stared at the rays of the sun escaping through the sides of the building. It captivated Changkyun from the first time, and he thought it would captivate Kihyun, too.
But Kihyun was rarely here to witness it.
Changkyun shook his head. He should not get mad. Things like this tended to happen. He turned his chair around and faced the interior of the apartment. It was a small apartment. The only bedroom was on his left. The kitchen was facing him, from across the living room, next to the front door. There was nothing that appealing from the apartment, except for the windowed wall, the only reason Changkyun invested on this place. There was a couch on his left, adjacent to him, facing the television that was next to the door of the bedroom. A coffee table was in front of the television. Its only purpose was for Changkyun to put his feet on and for Kihyun to scold him for doing that.
But Kihyun was rarely here and, therefore, rarely scolded him.
An end table took its place next to the couch. All it fit was a lamp and a small fish tank. The fish tank was so small that it only housed two fish. Changkyun gave those fish to Kihyun as an anniversary present. They were the only two fish at the pet store of their colorful kind. Changkyun bought them without thinking it twice. At first, he wanted to buy koi fish, especifically Kuchibeni koi, but they were too big for the apartment and too expensive for Changkyun’s crying pockets, so he bought those, which looked like the miniature versions of koi fish. Changkyun hoped Kihyun would get the symbolism the fish represents, the feelings Changkyun wanted to convey to Kihyun.
Changkyun doubted Kihyun even got the message, not even after he named the fish after them.
Changkyun could not blame Kihyun for not getting the message. Maybe Changkyun went too deep for the normal human being. He was just trying to be special. To show that he cared for Kihyun a lot. That he put thought to the gifts he gave him.
Kihyun did not get that. He never did.
Changkyun sighed again. Maybe if he was a simpler person. Maybe that way Kihyun would understand what Changkyun was trying to tell him. Changkyun pouted. He never thought he would have to change for his soul mate. He was always taught that he would be loved for the way he was, not matter how weird or how mundane. Changkyun was not going to change for Kihyun though. He knew Kihyun was still not going to look at him that way if he did.
Was Kihyun ever going to look at him?
Changkyun turned back around to face the outside world and his desk. On his desk in a corner, there was a base filled with flowers. Their name was Dahlia. Kihyun gave them to him. He explained they were weirdly shaped and eccentric but yet intriguing and pretty, “like you are!” Changkyun smiled at the memory. It only happened last week. It was a sweet memory, but it was also painful, because Kihyun was not fooling anyone anymore, especially not Changkyun.
Changkyun wished he was still being fooled.
Changkyun reached for a petal. It was a small, delicate petal. The smallest tug would rip the petal right out of its base. Maybe because it was dying. The flowers were different colors, but his favorite color was the most prominent. Changkyun appreciated that thought. He loved colors and so did Kihyun. Changkyun’s lips thinned, his grip on the petal tightening.
Kihyun loved colors, too.
He adored colors, so much so that he took on a hobby of photographing shortly after meeting Changkyun. Anything Kihyun would find interesting and lovely he would photograph. After he had first explained that to Changkyun, he instantly took a photograph of Changkyun and giggled. Back then, Changkyun truly believed things were going to work out between Kihyun and himself. Things were going so well. Everyday seemed to be getting brighter and brighter, and Changkyun was so happy. Kihyun seemed so happy, too. He had confided in Changkyun that he had wanted to see colors for the longest time; he craved it. Changkyun felt blessed to be the one who gave Kihyun that gift.
And Kihyun should remember it.
It was Kihyun who gave Changkyun the gift of Sight, but it was also Changkyun who gave Kihyun the same gift. It was Changkyun. It was Changkyun. It was Changkyun! And no one else!
Especially not Hoseok!
It was not Hoseok. It never was Hoseok! It would never be Hoseok! Which was why Changkyun could not understand. Wasn’t his soul mate supposed to love him? Wasn’t his soul mate supposed to be here with him? Enjoying the sunset with him? Resting in this apartment with him? Not with another man who deserved not to have his arms wrapped around Kihyun, his forehead touching Kihyun, Kihyun’s hands around his neck, their heads tilting.
Changkyun slammed his arm against the desk, the small petal in hand.
He ripped it by accident. He had not even realised. Changkyun rested the petal next to the vase, making it seem like the petal fell. He took a deep breath, held it in for a few seconds, and let it go. He read on the Internet that it was supposed to help you calm down.
It somewhat did.
Changkyun ran a hand through his hair. He should have known. From the very beginning, something was off. On that first meeting with Kihyun, when they were standing right in front of each other, both surprised at how a simple polite smile and glance changed their world, there was something off.
It had been a simple walk in the park. Changkyun only went out, because he felt he needed the exercise and because he had not left his place in a week. The park was crowded, and Changkyun enjoyed watching the children have fun and play at the playground. It left him in a good mood, good enough to nod and smile at the strangers passing by. One of those strangers turned out to be Yoo Kihyun. Changkyun had been taken by surprised. He did not expect it; he had not been looking, but there he was. In flesh and blood. His soul mate. Though unexpected, Changkyun had received it well, accepted it, taken it in. Kihyun, on the other hand, smiled not as brightly as Changkyun, moved not as energetically as Changkyun; everything seemed almost forced. At first, Changkyun thought that it was simply how Kihyun was and, because he was caught in his own emotions, did not dig any deeper.
Kihyun had allowed Changkyun to walk next to him on that first meeting. He mentioned that he was on his way to meet a friend. Changkyun thought that, if he was meeting a friend already, things were going great.
He should have known.
Changkyun was naïve, careless. He thought the world was pink (he finally understood that phrase, too). The small child inside of him that always dreamed of a soulmate was happily dancing in his heart. His life was going to be better now. His other half was going to make it better.
He should have known better!
Hoseok was sitting on a park bench, staring at the birds calmly feeding next to the bench. Changkyun did not notice how wide Kihyun’s smile grew when he called out for Hoseok. Changkyun did not notice how Hoseok’s face softened when he looked up to see Kihyun. They hugged, and it was not one of those “bro hugs” Changkyun did with Jooheon all the time. No, it was intimate, with Hoseok wrapping his arms around Kihyun's lower half, resting his head on Kihyun's shoulder, staying in that position longer than he should have. Changkyun felt like he was watching something he should not, like he was not supposed to there. He was though. Kihyun invited him to see that moment. Changkyun had simply deduced that different friends hugged different ways. After the hug, Kihyun pointed at Changkyun and introduced him as his soul mate, which made Changkyun’s heart flutter. Hoseok, however, his face fell, and he said a word that, Changkyun felt, could describe everything that has happened.
“... oh…”
Now, Changkyun could not agree more. These past few months could be described as a series of “... oh…” moments. It was in these past months that Changkyun finally faced reality, finally faced that Kihyun was wearing a mask, that Kihyun was lying. In the first months, Kihyun and Changkyun were everything people expected soulmates to be. They went out together. They talked and got to know each other. They had fun and flirted with each other. They hugged. They kissed. They did things Changkyun would rather not mention. Changkyun could definitely see why they were destined to be together.
However, Changkyun still saw how close Kihyun and Hoseok were.
He had asked Kihyun about his relationship with Hoseok, and Kihyun that they had been friends for years, since college. That was the reason why they were so close. However, Changkyun could not help but compare Kihyun’s relationship with Hoseok with his relationship with his other old friends. Minhyuk, for example. Minhyuk was Kihyun’s self-proclaimed best friend, yet he did not hug Kihyun as close and as long as Hoseok did. They did not stand as close as Hoseok and Kihyun did. They did not share as many intimate jokes.
And the camera.
The camera should have been another of his clues that something was not right. There was a time when Kihyun left his camera at his place. Changkyun messaged Kihyun about, and he messaged back that he was going to pick it up the next day. Changkyun found himself at liberty to rummage through Kihyun’s photo gallery. He did not consider it an invasion of privacy. Kihyun already showed him the photographs, and Changkyun just wanted to see them again, because Kihyun was an incredibly gifted photographer, and Changkyun was not being biased at all. In that camera roll, he saw some photos that he had seen before and many that he had never seen. Changkyun realised that Kihyun only showed him the best of the best, even though everything he did was already the best. The photographs that he had never seen were impressive, too. There were photos of sceneries, photos of rooms, photos of Changkyun (Changkyun smiled warmly at those), photos of different colors schemes, photos where Kihyun obviously messed with the lighting...
Photos of Hoseok, photos of Hoseok, photos of Hoseok, Hoseok, Hoseok-
There were more photographs of Hoseok than there were of Changkyun. Not only that. Most of Changkyun’s photos were taken when Changkyun was aware, like one of his side profile in which he looked at the camera and side smiled. Most of Hoseok’s, though, were without the other man noticing. Sure, there were also photographs of Changkyun when he was unaware. There was one he found of himself sleeping on his bed, on his stomach, one morning after he took Kihyun under the sheets, covers low which left his broad back bare, with his arms crossed under his head, and his hair a mess, his eyes closed in a deep sleep. Photographs of Hoseok running a hand through his hair, checking his phone, wearing glasses, reading books, wearing glasses and reading books… There were a bunch were Hoseok was shirtless. The camera was facing Hoseok’s back, and his movements were captured as if he was stretching. The reason Changkyun knew Hoseok was unaware was because, when Hoseok turned around, a photograph captured him surprised when he saw the camera. Then there were more photographs where Hoseok would laugh and actually pose for the camera, and Kihyun was more liberal with his angels. Changkyun passed through those photographs with a tilted head and knitted eyebrows.
Who photographed their friend like that?
Sure, Changkyun understood that Hoseok was probably sculpted by the gods. He was taken aback the first time he ever saw Hoseok, and the photographs taken by Kihyun could prove that Greek gods truly sculpted humankind. Hoseok was aesthetically pleasing to look at. Changkyun was not going to lie about that. Nonetheless, this sort of secret photography that happened, judging by the background and by the fact that Kihyun always went to the gym with Hoseok, in a locker room was uncommon, rare. Heck, Changkyun never remembered doing it with Jooheon and visa versa.
He should have asked about it, confronted Kihyun.
Changkyun completely disregarded the photos when Kihyun told him that he could actually pass by later than night to pick up his camera. Then, when Kihyun showed up, Changkyun did not have the guts to confront Kihyun. Those photos stayed in the back of his mind for weeks, but then they slowly faded away only to come back once in a blue moon. One time, they came to his mind when Kihyun was over, and they were sitting comfortably at his couch, talking and listening to the television. Kihyun, coincidentally and unsurprisingly, was talking about Hoseok. Changkyun could not directly bring up the photographs, as it turned out that Kihyun did not like people going through the camera roll and looking at photographs by themselves. He could not bring himself to admit that he went through the roll.
“Has Hoseok found his soulmate?” It was a question that had been on Changkyun’s mind for a while. He thought, that maybe, if Hoseok did not have a soulmate, he was using Kihyun as a “pseudo-soulmate”. It was apparently something people did, according to the Internet. It was understandable, but it would not help with the jealousy, the confusion, Changkyun felt.
Kihyun had glared at him, obviously unhappy that Changkyun had interrupted whatever story Kihyun had been telling. He dropped that glared two seconds later and nodded, “he has.” Changkyun let out a sigh of relief that he did not mean to let out. Hoseok had a soulmate. He was taken. He had the gift of Sight. He was not using Kihyun for anything. They really could just be close friends.
“They don’t talk to each other though.”
His thoughts had been interrupted. His thought process had stopped and crashed, leaving nothing on its place. It took a couple of seconds accompanied by a set of blinks for a complete thought process to appear and for Changhyun to voice out a single question, “what?”
Kihyun laughed at the way Changkyun had asked that question. He went on to explain that Hoseok found his soulmate a couple of years ago. He was a prominent model with a huge career in front of him. Hyungwon was his name. Changkyun felt like he had heard that name once or twice before so maybe that man really did make it big. Apparently, Hyungwon thought that trying to get to know his soulmate and try to form a relationship with him would hinder his promising career. He was scared that he would end up falling hard and end everything just to be with Hoseok, so he told Hoseok to wait, to wait until Hyungwon had reached the top and had started to come down again. That was when Hyungwon would come back to him. In the meantime, Hoseok could do whatever he wanted to do. Kihyun explained that the whole ordeal only hurt Hoseok a little (or maybe a lot because Hoseok felt like crazy yet he was good at hiding emotions. Kihyun was not sure which one it was) since Hoseok was in process of finishing his studies and making something for himself.
Changkyun scoffed at those memories and rested his head on his hands. Hoseok sure did whatever he wanted to do, thinking that he could seduce and take Kihyun and everything. Changkyun frown as he watched the last rays of the sun on the battle to stay alive. He wanted to believe that was exactly what happened. Hoseok had seduced Kihyun. Hoseok was the Big, Bad Wolf that took innocent Little, Red Riding Kihyun away. Changkyun wished it was that simple.
Life was not in black and white anymore though.
Hoseok was not the only reason Kihyun had distanced himself from Changkyun’s side. Kihyun had distanced himself, because Changkyun was something he could not change.
He was Changkyun.
And Changkyun was not Hoseok.
Changkyun remembered that day when his world started to unravel and his bubbles started to pop. Minhyuk planned a little get-together and invited his group of friends, which included Kihyun. Changkyun, being with Kihyun, was also included. Changkyun, though, was still not completely friends with any of Kihyun’s friends, so he had asked if he could bring a friend of his own alone, and the request was granted. The night of the get-together, Changkyun introduced Jooheon to all of Kihyun’s friends. It all started so well, except for the fact that Kihyun seemed to be paying attention to Hoseok more than Changkyun, and Changkyun thought that the night could end as well as it started...
Unfortunately, a few hours into the night, Changkyun noticed that Kihyun was missing. His initial thought was that Kihyun was somewhere with Hoseok (much to his dismay), but Hoseok was luckily right there, sitting at the arm of the couch, talking to someone Changkyun already forgot the name of. Changkyun inquired about the location of his soul mate to the entire group, and one of them answered that he was somewhere in the apartment with Minhyuk, since he had watched them leave through one of the hallways that led to the back of the apartment. Changkyun headed towards the hallway the guy who answered was pointing to in order to find Kihyun. If Minhyuk and Kihyun were conversing of something important, Changkyun was not going to stop them. He just missed his soul mate enough to want to see him again if only for a few seconds.
Changkyun heard Minhyuk’s and Kihyun’s voices coming from the master bedroom. The door was a tad opened, and Changkyun wondered what they could possibly be doing in there. He walked to the door and opened it a bit more. It turned out that Kihyun and Minhyuk were not in the room, but in the small balcony attached to the room. That cleared the dark thoughts creeping inside of Changkyun’s mind. They crept in easily and often considering it was becoming harder and harder to not doubt Kihyun’s fidelity towards him.
Changkyun was only planning on reminding Kihyun that he still existed. He was going to step through the door, but then he heard the conversation Kihyun was having with Minhyuk. “And I just don't know what to do, Minhyuk,” Kihyun said to his best friend. Minhyuk hummed. “I tried. I tried so, so hard to feel the exact same way he feels about me, but I just can't, and I don't understand why,” Kihyun groaned. Changkyun’s breathing stopped, and he choked in his own saliva. He was sure they were talking about him.
“You really are in quite a dilemma,” Minhyuk said, “this is quite unheard of.”
Kihyun scoffed, frustrated, “Yeah, no shit. Thanks for enlightening me, Minhyuk.” Minhyuk did not answer the comment. He just kept sipping the beer can he was holding. Kihyun sighed to calm to down and chugged his own beer can. “He loves me so much, Minhyuk. So, so much. To the moon and back,” Kihyun paused, “and I also love him so much…”
“Just not the way you should?” Minhyuk offered a completion to the sentence.
“Just not the way I should,” Kihyun repeated defeatedly.
Changkyun did not need to hear anymore. Almost driven by instinct, Changkyun walked away from that room, that hallway, and onto the main living room where everyone was. Yet, he could not be here. His world was spinning, shaking, breaking. No, oh gosh, no. He had to get out of here. This was all too much. Kihyun. Kihyun had said-
Changkyun reached for his car keys and made a beeline to the front door. “Hey! Where are you going?” Someone called out for his attention. Changkyun turned around and saw that it was the man who had been talking to Hoseok before. “Are you leaving already? You shouldn't. Hyunwoo just left to go buy more drinks. The party is about to get good now,” the man smirked, a mischievous glint in his eyes.
Changkyun blinked and shook his head, “no, I can't.” One more moment here and Changkyun would confront Kihyun with everything he had just heard. “I got a call. There's a family emergency,” Changkyun lied, and the man nodded at the excuse, disappointed. “Can somebody tell Kihyun after he comes back? He’ll need a ride back.”
Even now, so confused, so betrayed, Changkyun still cared for the wellbeing of his other half.
“I will,” Hoseok lifted his hand up slightly. Changkyun honestly wished it could have been someone else. He could barely stand being in the same place as the older male, who, Changkyun was sure, was a reason why Kihyun was feeling the way he was feeling.
Changkyun was not showing anything though.
He nodded and turned to Jooheon, “you'll be fine, right?” Changkyun was not sure if leaving his friend with a group of people he did not know was something Jooheon would be fine with.
“Of course,” Jooheon had nodded. He raised both hands to motion at the people around him. “I like these people.” With that, Changkyun took his leave. He rode all the way home. It was late. There was barely any cars on the road. Changkyun looked forward, never turning to look next to him, never stopping, even at red lights. His mind was not there. His hands gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white.
When he arrived home, Changkyun slammed the door behind him, not caring that it was the dead hours of the night and his neighbours were sleeping. He walked straight to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of liquor he had in the cupboards.
He allowed himself to think.
Kihyun did not love him. He had just said it himself. He did not love Changkyun the way his should. For Changkyun, that explained subtle behaviours he had noticed Kihyun doing but had chosen to ignore.
Changkyun took a big gulp from the bottle.
Kihyun no longer kissed him the same way he used to. He did not touch Changkyun the same way he did at the beginning. He came up with excuse after excuse, saying that he did not feel up to it. Kihyun did not love him.
How in the world was that possible?
Changkyun drank half of the bottle and groaned. This really was unheard of. A soul mate not loving his soul mate the way he was supposed to? Impossible. Kihyun was set by Destiny to love Changkyun, as why Changkyun set by Destiny to love Kihyun. Now Changkyun felt like he was cursed by Destiny, mocked by the universe. Changkyun cursed under his breathe, the effect of the alcohol he just ingested with the alcohol he had taken over at Minhyuk’s apartment mixing together and taking effect. Where did he fail? He was himself. He did everything he thought he should do to make Kihyun happy. Did he not do enough? Was he a failure as a soul mate?
Changkyun had drank the rest of the large bottle before falling asleep on the couch.
The next time Changkyun saw Kihyun, he noticed how calculated Kihyun’s actions were. Each stepped seemed planned and was executed carefully. Changkyun hated it. He acted ignorant of the fact that Kihyun did not love him in hopes that Kihyun would soon. Yet, if they went on like this, there was going to be a huge divide in between them.
“I love you.”
Changkyun was not sure why he said those words at that moment. He was not sure what was it that he wanted it to happen after those words were said. This was not the first time he had uttered them; however, this time they felt more powerful, because Changkyun meant them with every fiber of his body. It was a plea, a desperate plea for Kihyun. They had been at a park; Kihyun had been standing in front of him when Changkyun uttered those words. Kihyun seemed to walk in front of him more often than not instead of next to him. Changkyun felt as if, each day, Kihyun was walking farther away from him, from his grasp. Those words, Changkyun hoped they would be enough to bring Kihyun back, to stop Kihyun from walking away.
Kihyun did turn back around. He smiled softly and walked towards Changkyun. Resting his hand on Changkyun’s cheek, Kihyun kissed on the side of his mouth. “I love you, too,” he said, softly. It broke Changkyun. Kihyun’s words did not have the same meaning Changkyun’s did. Kihyun’s face fell. He slowly dropped his hand from Changkyun’s face, and he looked down as if he saw something in Changkyun’s face (the brokenness, the realisation) he was not supposed to see…
Or as if he did not want to face Changkyun at all in fear of Changkyun seeing something he was not supposed to see.
“I love you, too,” Kihyun repeated. It was softer. As if Kihyun was telling himself, reminding himself. “I do,” he stated quietly. Changkyun barely heard him. “I really do,” Kihyun looked back up at Changkyun. His eyes were wide, watery. Changkyun grabbed his hands and kissed them. He understood that Kihyun was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince Changkyun.
Kihyun did not need to convince Changkyun though.
Changkyun had decided by himself that he would believe whatever Kihyun told him. Staring at Kihyun’s wide eyes reminded Changkyun that, even if Kihyun lied about loving him, he did not lie at all. Kihyun was trying. Changhyuk believed that he was, and he was Kihyun’s soul mate, and he was going to stay by Kihyun’s side through thick and thin, through hell and back.
Changkyun had been a fool.
He had been a fool for believing that Kihyun was trying. He had been a fool for believing that his love would persevere. He had been a fool for believing that love in general would come through all trials and tribulations. He had been a fool for going along with everything Kihyun wanted.
A few weeks later after that event, Kihyun put on the table the possibility of them moving together. Changkyun did not hesitate and quickly agreed that they should move together. Changkyun saw it as a step forward in the right direction. Kihyun wanted them together. If they were under the same roof, they could work on their relationship better. The idea of them living together lightened Changkyun’s heart and made him feel like he would finally be able to breath.
Changkyun now looked around the apartment and scoffed. He had deceived himself. This apartment turned into a hell, a jail cell of his own solitude. The apartment had disguised itself as heaven at first.
Kihyun and Changkyun had easily fallen into this couple routine. They watched television together, they cooked together (or Kihyun cooked while Changkyun cheered him own), they cleaned together.
Changkyun was sure things were finally going to be right.
But they were not.
Kihyun started coming home later and later during weekdays. He blamed it on work. For Changkyun, that was a perfectly acceptable excuse, because he knew that Kihyun’s job could get hard at time. During the weekends, Kihyun also took time to hang out with his group of friends. He rarely thought of inviting Changkyun when he went out. Changkyun did not mind at first, because Kihyun sometimes made it up to him during the night.
However, those nights soon stopped. In fact, Kihyun started going out at night, returning back in the late hours of the night where the world was most quiet. Changkyun asked his soul mate where in the world did he go at such a late time, and Kihyun answered that he was with Minhyuk and Hoseok and Hyunwoo and all that group, at someone’s apartment or at some bar. Changkyun always accepted the answer and was always asleep by the time Kihyun returned. He trusted Kihyun to get back in time.
Until one night, Kihyun did not return.
In the morning, Changkyun worried so much that he spent minutes just calling Kihyun nonstop. Kihyun answered him sluggishly, as he must have just woken up, and had explained how he got so drunk that he deemed it safer to simply stay at Minhyuk’s apartment. Changkyun had sighed in relief and said that he wished for Kihyun to return soon, because he missed him and he loved him. Kihyun had laughed and called him a cheese and said that he would soon be on his way back home before hanging up the phone.
It could have been a great phone call.
Except that Changhyuk was sure he heard Hoseok sleepily ask Kihyun something (“Who’s calling, Ki?”) that last second before the call ended.
Changkyun tried to convince himself that hearing Hoseok meant nothing. It meant nothing that Hoseok was so near Kihyun in bed that Changkyun was able to hear what he had asked. Maybe Hoseok had also stayed at Minhyuk’s apartment, and there was not another bed available, so the two of them just slept together in the bed. Actually, there was no reason to believe that Hoseok was even lying in bed next to Kihyun. Maybe he was standing next to bed. Had entered the room to tell Kihyun that breakfast was ready or something like that.
His stomach needed to stop twisting in the most unpleasant ways possible.
There was something Changkyun learned from living with Kihyun. Kihyun smoked. It was not often and always in company. In the company of only one person, too, and that person was obviously Hoseok. Changkun found out one night that he stayed up waiting for Kihyun. Kihyun returned incredibly late that night. Changkyun had walked to the door when he heard that someone was trying to open the door. He knew for sure that it was Kihyun, because he could hear the older man curse as he failed to open the door by himself.
Changkyun had found it cute and had decided to help Kihyun by opening the door for him. With the door opened, Changkyun looked down on Kihyun’s shocked face with smile. However, the smile fell when he noticed how disheveled Kihyun looked. His hair was a mess, pointing to all different directions (Changkyun remembered how Kihyun had brushed it back that day). His clothes looked like they were not ironed, even though Kihyun never left the apartment if his clothes needed ironing. Worst of all were Kihyun’s lips. Red and swollen. It could only mean one thing, but Changkyun never found enough courage to even acknowledge it.
Changkyun let Kihyun pass through the door without saying a word. As Kihyun passed by him, Changkyun smelled the cigarette smoke mixed with an unknown cologne. Both things completely crushed him. Changkyun could not bring himself to sleep in the same bed as Kihyun that night, in the same room. He slept on the couch that night and questioned Kihyun on the smell the next morning. He never touched on the subject of Kihyun’s swollen lips the night before. Kihyun admitted to his smoking habit, saying that it was not something too bad and that it did not happen enough for Kihyun to have considered it as something very important to say. Changkyun nodded, pretending to accept Kihyun’s excuse.
If Kihyun lied about that, what else could he have lied about?
Changkyun did not smoke. In fact, he had been quite against smoking. His father had been an avid smoker for as long as Changkyun, and he had unfortunately succumbed to lung cancer when Changkyun was only fifteen years old. Changkyun had always been against it. However, after finding out that Kihyun smoked, and with only Hoseok, which only meant that THAT night, that night where Changkyun was greeted with the smell of smoke and swollen lips, Kihyun had been with Hoseok, smoking had become appealing instead of off-putting.
It pained Changkyun to think that it was most-likely Hoseok who had caused Kihyun to have those swollen, red lips, that messy clothing and hair. For the first time, Changkyun felt relieved to know that Jooheon also smoked, and, one day, when they were hanging out together, Changkyun looking that the cigarette that dangled from Jooheon’s fingers, he knew he could not take it any longer and asked Jooheon for one of what he so adamantly used to refer to as cancer sticks.
Jooheon was shocked to hear of Changkyun’s request but nonetheless gave him one after asking him if he was sure he really wanted to try one. Changkyun was sure. That day, for the first time in his life, Changkyun took a drag from a cigarette. There was a burning sensation in and down his throat, as the smoke reached his lungs. It was dry and just a bit uncomfortable at first, tasting horrible. Yet, at the same time, it was comforting. A toxic warmth spread around his insides, wrapping him completely like a blanket. He understood why people smoke finally, because he felt relaxed, a small haze in his brain. It was enough to forget about Kihyun for just one second.
Before Changkyun knew it, he was ending a pack in three days. Each single thought of Kihyun with Hoseok brought the need to smoke one or two cigarettes. Changkyun could not believe how easily he became dependent on that drug. He truly felt like he lost control, since he always promised himself that he would never smoke. He hid the new habit from Kihyun.
After all, if Kihyun could keep secrets from Changkyun, Changkyun could do the same thing.
Changkyun crossed his arms on his desk and rested his head on them. The sun had set. Darkness, interrupted only by a light in the kitchen and the fish tank, filled the apartment. He could really go for another cigarette now that he thought about it, but he ran out earlier today. Now, the darkness was the only thing that could comfort him.
Changkyun was not sure why did this to himself, why he made himself relieve all of his experiences with Kihyun, especially all the bad ones. Was he expecting to find something good in them? Or was it simply to understand really how much of a fool he was to still have hope in Kihyun? Because, even during that period of his life when he first started smoking, Changkyun still had hoped that Kihyun was going to return to him.
Changkyun remembered when his hope drastically diminished though.
Minhyuk had invited the two of them to a party he was hosting. Minhyuk had just moved from an apartment to a house, and he wanted to celebrate with everyone. At the beginning, Kihyun had spent his time close to Changkyun. Sitting on the couch, Kihyun had leaned against Changkyun, and Changkyun had wrapped a protective arm around Kihyun’s waist. Changkyun did not want to let go of Kihyun, not in this environment, not so near to Hoseok, who talking to Minhyuk while throwing millisecond long glances at Kihyun. Changkyun was not blind. He noticed them even if Kihyun seemed to have not.
Changkyun was not going to let go of Kihyun.
However, a few beers and some weird alcoholic concoctions made by Hyunwoo later, Changkyun realised that Kihyun was no longer by his side. Changkyun had looked around him to see if he could spot Kihyun anywhere in the room he was in, but everyone was separated into different room, and the alcohol buzzing around in his mind was not helping. Plus, he really had to pee. Kihyun could wait. Changkyun approached Minhyuk and asked him for the bathroom. Minhyuk answered that he had to turn left, first door on the right. Changkyun thought them to be rather simple steps, but after taking another of Hyunwoo’s creation and talking to Jooheon (Minhyuk also invited him. They had become friends after Changkyun had invited him to that first party) for a second, Changkyun could not remember if it was turn left, first door on the right, or turn right, first door on the left. Being the master at guessing he considered himself to be, Changkyun chose the latter option. Turning right led him to another room of the house which, on its left, had a hallway. Changkyun imagined that the bathroom would be in one of the doors in that hallway, so he moved forward towards it. At the start of the hallway, Changkyun looked forward and froze.
Kihyun was there.
He was there, at the end of the hallway, and he was not alone. Hoseok was there. Hoseok had him pinned against the wall, his hands on both sides of Kihyun’s head, his face so closed to Kihyun’s, Kihyun’s hands on his chest.
Changkyun could not breathe.
He stepped out of the hallway, leaning against the wall next to it. He could not believe it, but yet he could. He could believe what he had already inferred weeks ago. He just could not believe that it could happen so near him, in the same house.
Kihyun was unbelievable.
That image was burned in Changkyun’s mind forever. Hoseok’s and Kihyun’s close faces, their smirks as they leaned forward. Who did they think they were? Who did Kihyun think he was? Who was Changkyun? He felt so small, slapped on the face by something so obvious. He wanted to fight back. He wanted to march into that hallway and confront Kihyun. He wanted to show Kihyun how much he was hurting Changkyun.
Yet, Changkyun could not move.
He was helpless, cemented to the floor, stupefied. He needed to leave, to get away, to never see anyone or anything. He could not- Kihyun-
“Wow, what are you doing here? Bathroom is the other way, silly.”
Fortunately, Minhyuk interrupted his thought process. Had Changkyun continued that thought process, he would have let out a scream that would have alerted Hoseok and Kihyun and the rest of the house guests, and Changkyun did not want to make a scene of a problem that was strictly his own.
Changkyun looked at Minhyuk with dead eyes, and Minhyuk looked at Changkyun with alert. Minhyuk grabbed Changkyun’s wrist and pulled back towards the main part of the house. Changkyun furrowed his eyebrows when he looked at Minhyuk, whose eyes were alerted, as if he was aware of what happened in that hallway. Changkyun looked at everyone who was in the main part of the house. He did not know if it was because he was drunk or not, but he felt like everyone’s eyes were on him, like everyone knew already, like they were all trying to keep him in the dark.
Changkyun was not in the dark anymore. He shone bright in the light, but the light burned.
Minhyuk pointed him the correct way, and Changkyun followed dumbly. Changkyun slid down against the door once he entered the bathroom. He was sure he must have stayed the rest of the night, until Kihyun came on knocking saying that it was late and that they should leave. Changkyun left the bathroom without even looking at Kihyun, without looking at anybody. He waved a general goodbye and left the house. Kihyun followed behind him, nagging him all the way to the car saying that that was not the proper way to say goodbye, but Changkyun tuned him out.
Kihyun seemed to have gotten the memo and stayed quiet for the entire ride home. Even at the apartment, they shared no words, and Kihyun quickly went to sleep. Changkyun stayed awake, sitting on the couch next to the fish, cradling a can of cheap beer. He could already see the rest of his life being like this, sitting on the couch alone, next to fish that only swam in circles. He finished his can of beer and went to the kitchen fridge to grab another one. After that, he went to his desk and grabbed the pack of cigarettes and a lighter that were hidden in one of the cabinets. With those things in hand, he left the apartment and went outside.
Changkyun lit a cigarette and instantly felt less stressed. The weather was chill, and not a soul was outside. His breath misted. Changkyun should have brought a jacket, but it did not matter as nicotine was making his entire body warm. Changkyun sighed. Minhyuk’s expression appeared in his mind, his urgency to get Changkyun out of that place.
Minhyuk was aware.
All of Kihyun’s friends were aware. You would think they would have condemned Kihyun’s actions. They would tell Changkyun about them. That was what normal people do. That was what moral people would do.
Kihyun never associated himself with the most moral of people though.
A way this society defined morality was as a loyalty to your partner and your partner only. You never experimented anything with other people, and you kept yourself whole for your one and only. That form of morality was slowly slipping as more and more people nowadays rathered be with other people before they were with their soul mate if they wanted to be with their soul mate at all. Changkyun, however, was raised by his parents to keep himself whole for his soul mate. He respected his parents enough to do that, and his college years did not corrupt him to change those ways.
The same could not be said about Kihyun.
Maybe his parent did raise him the same way Changkyun’s parents raised him, but college took Kihyun by storm, and Kihyun never came back out the same way. In fact, Changkyun remembered when Kihyun told him how he met Minhyuk and Hoseok. He met them both at the same time at a wild college party. Minhyuk and Hoseok were apparently fighting to see who could stick their tongue further into the other’s mouth. Unfortunately, they held their “fight” in the middle of Kihyun’s way, and Kihyun did not appreciate it, so he separated them. Since then, they had been inseparable. A rather unconventional way of making friends, but it sure beat the whole “we’re coworkers” thing Jooheon and Changkyun had going on.
Minhyuk, on the other hand, had found his soul mate in Hyunwoo. Changkyun had to be told since he would have never been able to figure it out himself. Minhyuk still had the habit of flirting with other people, Jooheon being one of them (Jooheon told Changkyun one day how it made him feel a just bit uncomfortable) even if Hyunwoo was standing next him. Hyunwoo was apparently very lenient with his soul mate’s actions. With Hoseok’s soul mate abandoning him for fame and giving him freedom to do as he pleased and Minhyuk’s wild ways, Changkyun understood why no one reprimanded Kihyun for his actions.
It could be assumed that all of Kihyun’s friends must have the same view on soul mate.
But still, when was infidelity ever right?
Why could Kihyun not just step forward and tell Changkyun the truth? Why did he keep going behind Changkyun’s back? The same could be said about Changkyun though. If he knew, why did he not confront Kihyun on it? Why did he held back, acting all naive and ignorant, like nothing was wrong? When was he going to a step in the right direction?
Changkyun sighed. Here he was, sitting on his desk on his empty apartment. His legs were still planted on the ground, and Changkyun could still not see himself taking a step forward in the right direction. He was still caught in Kihyun’s web, and he was unwilling to free himself. Kihyun was still nice to him. He still cooked for him. They still watched television. Kihyun still nagged him if he did something wrong. It just happened less often. They did not go out anymore. Being drunk was a must to have sex. Things were not the same anymore.
There was a void in between them.
And Changkyun would forever blame Hoseok for that void. He was the one who Kihyun was with in his spare time. He was at fault. Kihyun would have never done anything if Hoseok was not there.
Hoseok was the tempter.
He was the temptation that Kihyun failed to resist.
Changkyun had searched up “extra-soulmate” affairs on the Internet some time ago. He wanted to give himself hope. That Kihyun and Hoseok were not going to last. They were going to break up eventually, soon. Hoseok would return to Hyungwon, and Kihyun would return to Changkyun. Changkyun needed that reassurance.
Since it was not like he could just unlove Kihyun and forget about him.
Most of his results showed what he wanted to see. People who were not soul mates in relationship are documented to not last. They were destined to break up as Destiny did not set them up together.
However, most was not enough.
There were still those few cases where those relationships did last. Two non-soul mates engaging in a lifelong love with the actual soul mates in the side lines acting like supportive, lifelong best friends. It scared Changkyun that that was the road where his life was heading. He could see it: ten years from now -twenty- when Kihyun and Changkyun finally talked about their problems and Kihyun decided to go with Hoseok, Changhyun could see himself as the shoulder Kihyun leaned on when things were not working out well because they were not supposed to. It terrified him.
Changkyun coughed. He was in dire need of another cigarette. He tried to contain that need, but his clothes smelled like smoke, which was so tempting. Slowly, he stood up and grabbed his keys. He had no idea when Kihyun would return, but that did not matter. Kihyun would not miss him while he was gone. With that sad thought, Changkyun headed to the door and opened it.
He saw Kihyun standing on the other side of the door, reaching of the knob.
“Oh…” Kihyun smiled as he look at Changkyun.
Changkyun peered at Kihyun, and his heart broke into a million tiny pieces. “Oh…”
“Where are you heading?” Kihyun asked him, “or did you hear me come and wanted to open the door for me?”
It took longer than usual for Changkyun to process his words. His whole mind focusing on Kihyun, on what he saw on Kihyun. “Uh…. no, I was simply heading to the convenience store. I need to get something,” Changkyun muttered and pointed left to the stairs of the building.
Kihyun nodded, “okay then.” He patted Changkyun’s side, “don’t let me get in your way.” He stood close to Changkyun, close enough that he would be able to smell the cigarette smoke in Changkyun’s clothing. Fortunately and unfortunately, Kihyun also smelled like smoke. Both smells mixed together into one, and Kihyun must have mistook them both as his own.
Changkyun dumbly moved to the side and let Kihyun pass. Kihyun closed the door behind him, and Changkyun felt locked out of everything. As he walked down the stairs, tears finally streamed down his eyes. He was going to need more than one cigarette. He was going to need more than cigarettes to numb the pain inside of him, the pain of Kihyun, the pain of Kihyun and his actions.
Damn it all!
Kihyun really needed to learn how to hide those marks on his neck better.