Work Text:
hyungwon picks up every belonging, from the sweaters he stole to the cake changkyun bought him for his birthday. he stares at them gingerly before placing them in a box. the polaroid that he picks up with the lazy scrawl captioning, "our first anniversary!" reminds him of the time they walked hand in hand, smiling at each other as if the world stopped spinning just for them. he gets reminded of that time changkyun told him that his laugh reminds him of sunshines and daisies.
when he puts away the photo album changkyun made for him, along with the rose that wilted long ago, he remembers when changkyun held his hand and telling him that the only thing he needed was hyungwon. he scoffs at such a joke, but continues to place changkyun's belongings in the box. he recollects hugging changkyun so tight, promising that he'll only ever love changkyun. changkyun promises the same, but why was hyungwon the only one that kept the promise?
he remembers when changkyun gave him a teddy bear, telling him hug it whenever hyungwon misses him. he remembers laughing and saying that he won't hug the bear because he'd spend all his time hugging changkyun instead. he hugs the bear before placing it into the box.
because when hyungwon sees sunshines and daisies, or when he sees the sunset that always luminated on changkyun's face so perfectly, his heart aches that one bit more. his heart aches when he remembers telling changkyun that no sunset would ever be more beautiful than he was. he cries when he remembers the smile changkyun gave to him when he told him that he'll love him forever. his hands are shaking when he picks up yet another wilting rose, reminiscing about the time changkyun called him his rose. at that time, it was beautiful. is this what changkyun meant by a rose? wilting so fast, but slow enough for the pain to develop. his bloodshot eyes resembling the color of the petals. his body and mind, losing strength much like the stem. people throw out roses when they wilt, isn't that what changkyun did to hyungwon?
he rereads all the love letters, one for every monthsary.
happy eleven months!
we're one month away from being together for a year, and i've never been so happy within these past eleven months. i won't write much because i'm saving it all for next month, but i'm so in love with you. i'm in love with the way you laugh, the way you hold my hand when i'm nervous, the way you show me off to all your friends. i'm in love with you, chae hyungwon. and nothing will ever change that.
what a joke, he thinks before settling the letters in the box.
he scrolls through their texts, wondering if he should smile or cry more when he reads that changkyun called them a match made in heaven. his head is hurting, throbbing, when he reads that changkyun promised him to have a minimalistic wedding. the thought of them getting married and spending their entire lives together makes him weep. he had the chance to officially be changkyun's, forever, but it slipped right out of his hands. his hands are shaking yet again when his finger hovers over the delete contact button. he feels weight lifting off his shoulders as he sees their conversations deleted. but he also feels a wave of emotions, he cries again.
he looks around the apartment, full of so many things yet it has never been so empty. the lights are on, yet they have never been so dim. he debates whether or not he should write a final letter to changkyun but when he picks up the pen and writes the letter c, he cries too much that everything gets blotched. changkyun's name rolls off of hyungwon's tongue so perfectly, his name is perfect to write for the pen hyungwon holds, his name is perfect. he is perfect. hyungwon doesn't deserve him, never.
he gives kihyun a smile when he passes changkyun's belongings - their belongings - to him. though misery is etched on hyungwon's face despite the smile he gives, kihyun manages to act as if he overlooked it; wishing hyungwon a get better soon.
and when hyungwon looks at the formerly shared apartment, he realizes that nothing ever left. physically, he got rid of the memories but he will never be able to put all the i love you's they shared in a box. he can never take back all the kisses they gave, the kisses that he loves so much. the kisses that gave him a reason to wake up in the morning and sleep at night. he will never be able to place all their laughter in a box. fuck, changkyun's laugh was music to his ears and he never wanted changkyun to stop laughing. he will never be able to unhear his laughter, his half awake "good morning, i love you", his sincere comments.
he cries when he lies on his bed because he won't ever be able to take back the cuddles they shared. he can't rewind time and return the times changkyun made his heart flutter. he may have gotten rid of the love letters but he can still remember them word for word. he can't unread the letters.
he wishes he could go back and take back all the i'm in love with you's. he wants to unhear changkyun's voice that's ringing in his head. it pains him that he'll never be able to place all the tears of happiness that he shed every time changkyun gives him a gift in a box. he can't undo the time he told changkyun that his smile was the reason he can get through the day. hyungwon can't return the song he choreographed for changkyun - changkyun's favorite song. he wants to put every eskimo kiss, hug, smile, memory in a box. but he can't.
what's the point of packing things away if they're still here?