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First love requiring several steps: a sort of ritual if you will. Inevitable meeting, a glance, a smile, leading to friendship, to courting and off to something more intimate. It starts as a fairy tale: prince and princess off to fight dragons and vengeful witches and then live happily ever after. The long talks, the comfortable silences, sweet kisses, unavoidable bickering- melted-by-a-single-glance, a look, the tiniest brush of skin on skin. It seems like a dream: prince and princess rides off to the sunset, amidst rainbows, shiny castles and sugar-sweet happiness in ever after.
But of course, it doesn’t happen that way.
A stop. A sudden lurch. Everything unravels, ever after thus spinning out of control, threads thinning out, till they’re left with nothing. Zip. Nada. Mou owari. Gone, gone. Mere nostalgia.
***
“Well, that was fast,” Kame mumbles to himself, fighting back the huge lump of something that suddenly rose in his throat. He watches as the older boy walks away in a huff, leaving him with his stupid bouquet. He already knew that coming to Jin’s concert was a bad idea. And of course, him being Kamenashi Kazuya, just had to go backstage and greet him. And bring a goddamned bouquet of flowers.
Oh yeah, brought me a shovel to dig my own grave, he thought to himself, disgustedly. Of course it would only end like this. Days, months, a year, an hour – it didn’t matter.
Things could never be truly the same way again.
Kame slumps down on the chair that Jin just vacated, burying his face in his hands. He could hear some of the staff who were still around, talking in low voices and hushed whispers, amidst the clean-up-pack-up noise that lives always called for. He could even feel some of them staring, probably wondering why he’s still there when the main star had already left.
How pathetic.
Jin had left KAT-TUN before, but that was okay because he was certain then that the older boy would eventually come back. And he did. It was a long, excruciating six months of non-stupidity; he missed Jin terribly. But he had survived, knowing that he will be back. This time though, Kame knew it would be different. It wasn’t even because Jin couldn’t . He just, simply put, won’t.
Kame had felt it when the other was still working with them for the “Love Yourself” single. Both of them had their own solo projects at that time: Kame with the “YamaNade” drama and Jin with the movie, “Bandage.” They had both worked outside of KAT-TUN several times already, but a full-length feature film that teeters outside the so-called “idol artistic boundaries” seemingly convinced Jin. He could be something. He could do without the flashy, glittery costumes, endless fan servicing and the incessant hip-rolling and playing nice and just be him.
Jin Akanishi the artist, the actor, the singer.
And so, Jin left.
***
Kame could feel the tears threatening to break. He stands up before anyone could see them. The bouquet he had hesitantly brought was now sitting on the floor where he had dropped it. He makes a move to pick it up when a friendly, high-pitched voice suddenly pipes up from behind him. “You can leave them here. I’ll make sure Jin gets them,” the petite, red-haired girl approaches him. “I’m Aubree. I’m one of Jin’s –“
“- dancers, right?” Kame replies, his perfect idol smile immediately appearing on his face. “I watched. You’re really good.”
“Thanks,” Aubree says, a slight blush tingeing her cheeks, “Kazuya Kamenashi, right?” she asks, his name sounding off and unnatural with her obvious American twang.
“Yes. How did you—“
She laughs, “Know your name? Oh Jin might’ve never formally introduced us to you guys, but he used to talk an awful a lot about KAT-TUN. Especially you. It was always Kame this, Kame that. Seriously,” Aubree continues chirpily, picking up Kame’s bouquet, “one would’ve thought he was your boyfriend or something! The way he could go on and on about you. Bordering on stalker-ish, if you asked me.”
“He was just probably homesick or something.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” she conceded, “But homesickness or not, you guys must be super close. I mean, I thought things would be awkward between him and your band, after all that -- but hey! Here you are, watching his concert!”
Aubree certainly does not read any Japanese tabloids. If she did, she’d know exactly how close we are, Kame thinks with an ironic smile. “Of course. No hard feelings.”
She flashes him another smile and looks around curiously, “Where is that guy, anyway? Such a bad host, leaving you alone here!”
“Oh. I’m leaving already, anyway,” Kame says, “It’s alright. I just came to say hi.”
“Such bad manners, that Jin,” Aubree shakes her head. “You came out here and he couldn’t even spare a few minutes for a friend!”
“It’s alright,” Kame repeats, “Don’t sweat it –“
“You’re still here?!” an incredulous voice suddenly booms out, causing the two to whip their heads towards the door.
“Jin!” Kame says, surprised. “I—I was just leaving and Aubree here –“
“Just fucking leave already,” Jin mumbles darkly.
Kame’s eyes flashed. “I don’t need this shit. I was trying to have a decent conversation with you and you’re the one who suddenly left. God, Jin. Grow up.”
“Jin!” Aubree says sharply. “You don’t need to be rude to Kame!”
Jin grits his teeth. “It’s my room. My concert. I didn’t ask him to be here.“
Kame froze at the words. “Well, I’m sorry for intruding,” he says sarcastically. Kame turns to Aubree and forces a smile on his face, “Bye, Aubree. It was nice to meet you.” Kame turns and walks out of the room.
“Wait, Kame!” she shouts after him.
“Good riddance.” Jin huffs, plopping himself carelessly on the chair the younger man had just vacated.
“You’re such a kid,” Aubree shakes her head, disgustedly. “Act your age, will you? Here,” she says handing him the bouquet Kame had brought. “At least take these. Goodness, Jin. Talk to him and apologize properly.”
Jin lets out a noisy sigh but takes the flowers from her. “Whatever.”
***
Rewind.
Kazu fretfully twists around in his seat as he looks at the sea of unfamiliar faces, excitement, nervousness but not without a hint of pride were written all over them.
Not that he could actually blame them for feeling that way.
It was a great honor to have passed the auditions. He wasn’t expecting himself to be there. With his bushy brows and too thin frame, he knew he wasn’t exactly built to become an idol. Plus, he wasn’t really into acting. Or dancing, for that matter. Singing, he could deal with, but in reality, he’s not that fond of it, too. Playing baseball was his real passion. He really didn’t know what possessed his father who, suddenly and completely out of the blue, deposited him there at the steps of Johnny’s office. He thought that they were just going for a drive when his father picked him up after the game. Tired, he had managed to doze off inside their car and when he woke up, there they were in front of the Johnny’s gleaming white walls where he was immediately ushered inside a hallway filled with the hopeful faces of young boys like him.
“Hey,” a lanky boy with a mischievous smirk on his face suddenly appears beside him. “Are those brows for real?”
“Huh?” Kame’s fingers immediately go to his brows, patting them self-consciously, “Who are you, anyway?”
The older boy laughs and proceeds to prod the bushy mess above the younger’s eyes. “You look so tense! The more nervous you get, the more your face scrunches up and,” the boy says, mischievous sparkle in his eyes, “the bushier they look!”
Kame looks at him, mouth hanging wide open. Who does this prick think he is?! He opens his mouth to give the older a piece of his mind, but the latter cuts him off with smirk and a shake of hands.
“Akanishi Jin, by the way,” the boy says, huge grin on his face.
***
Kame is on his way back to his car, Jin’s words still ringing in his ears. He passes by several people and he tries his best to keep that idol smile he had perfected for over a decade plastered on his face. It was bad enough that people had seen him at Jin’s concert. He could only imagine the tabloid feast they’d have if they catch him leaving the venue in tears. Not a pretty picture, of course. For Jin or for him. Kame finally reaches the basement elevator and as the door closes, the tears he’d been trying to hold back starts to course down his cheeks.
He knows that Jin has moved on. Or to be more accurate, Jin has changed. He wasn’t the mischievous kid who simply dreamed of being on stage, adoring girls throwing him air kisses and waving uchiwas, his face plastered on them.
It just wasn’t enough anymore.
In spite of the popular belief that Jin thinks with his dick, head always up in the air, he’s actually pretty smart. A dimwit couldn’t have written songs like “care” nor master English in just under a year. Jin’s brand of genius though can’t be contained within the limits of a group. Jin Akanishi was born for something much bigger, much grander than what Johnny has for KAT-TUN. So when the taste of what could be a solo success was handed to him, Jin simply grabbed it, fingers scrambling for a tether hold, hell be damned.
That’s just the way he is.
Kame can’t blame him. It would certainly have been simpler, a whole lot simpler if Kame could just hate Jin, hurl curses at him, punch him black and blue all over, wrestle him and just plain get mad. Then maybe, after the hurtful words and days or weeks of not talking, when the heat of the hurt and anger has passed, they’d get around to discussing things much more calmly. But of course, the two of them being the stubborn kids that they are, they simply ignored each other, no one daring to take that first move -- a never-ending cold war of sorts.
And so the distance between them grew and grew, to the point that they literally couldn’t even stand beside each other. Anyone who watches them interact (or non-interact, to be more precise) would know. K and A were no more; the honorific ~san creeping up to their last names, no more friendly ~chan or even a ~kun or the occasional, affectionate ‘omae!’ Always at least a foot or two away, no more sitting beside each other. Perfunctory ‘good mornings’ and forced on-air talks -- that was all that was left for them. Sure, Jin still performed then with them -- photo shoots, lives, rehearsals and what-nots. But still. It was as if the boy was merely going through the motions. His laughter and smiles somehow acquired a hollow quality, the corners of his mouth not quite reaching his eyes, his face always hidden behind dark glasses and ridiculous beanies.
Kame knew then that Jin wouldn’t be coming back. Ever. He didn’t blame him. He never could. After all, Kame had always been aware that, for Jin, his own dream always comes first. Jin, who was always after the bigger things, pushing himself to the limits, naively ignoring everything that’s supposed to go with it. Logic and rules don’t apply to him: that’s Jin Akanishi for you. He goes by his own pace, his own rules. It was something Kame had always admired about Jin.
So when Jin left for the second time, Kame knew.
He was never coming back.
The elevator doors finally open, revealing the empty parking lot. Kame was glad. It had already been hours since the concert ended and it looks like most of the people had already left. He wasn’t sure if he could put again that idol smile he’d been faking. The minutes spent inside the tight confines of the elevator had got him thinking about past scenes that he’d really rather not think about. He crosses the short distance towards his almost brand new black Solio and flops down the driver seat, mind and body spent. Kame closes his eyes.
Jin.
***
What the fuck was that!? Jin was still fuming mad. Inexplicable anger (or is it?) that causes his hands to shake uncontrollably, making him want to throw and crush everything in sight. Kame’s stupid bouquet was still on the table, where he had carelessly thrown them. Jin stares at it, his head throbbing with anger and guilt.
“Fuck!”
Jin curses loudly. He wasn’t sure if he was mad at Kame or at himself. He’s already regretting the words he said to the younger earlier. Aubree is right. He’s such a kid. A proud, obnoxious one, he might add. Jin should definitely learn to think first before opening his mouth. The guilt is already creeping up on him, effectively making him madder than ever. He had never been good with emotions. Especially when it involved him.
He clenches his fists together. He thought that they were over this.
Him and Kame, that is.
Jin and Kame can’t work together anymore – professionally and otherwise. Too much drama, too much tension, too much love, too much hate. Everything spilled over to the point that it just couldn’t be fixed anymore. They’ve tried and tried but it just ends up messing both of them. They simply weren’t heading in the same direction anymore. A little over ten years ago, they had been inseparable. The bushy-browed, baseball freak and the mischievous, impatient idol wannabe. No one had thought that they’d actually click together but they’ve been proven wrong. Inseparable, they shone together.
When did things go wrong?
Jin palms his head, unbidden tears flowing from his eyes.
***
Rewind.
Option 1.
“What are you doing here?”
The younger’s eyes crinkle into a smile. “Watching your concert, of course. I wouldn’t want to miss your first official solo.”
“There’d be rumors, y’know. I’m sure someone spotted you in the crowd. AkaKame lives again!” Jin replies lightly, although a sardonic smile ghosts on his face. He turns away from him, pretending to gather his stuff. “We wouldn’t want that, would we? I supposedly caused you and the guys enough damage already.”
“You were amazing.”
“Kame –“
“I just wanted to tell you that,” Kame says quietly.
“Kame –“
“Don’t get me wrong, Jin. I just came to watch.” Kame thrusts out a bouquet of white roses from behind his back. “It’s your first solo live, after all. Congratulations, Jin.”
Jin stares at the bouquet, bewilderment all over his face. Flowers. A freaking huge bouquet of perfectly white, annoyingly sweet-smelling roses for him.
Kame laughs, and thrusts them out to the older boy. “Take them, Akanishi.”
Jin stares at him for a full minute before he finally grabs them from the younger boy, muttering a short ‘thank you’ to him. He gingerly puts them against his nose, inhaling their scent. A slight smile tugs at the corners of his lips, “Kamenashi, you’re making me feel like I’m a fucking girl.”
“Stupid!” Kame says, blushing, “That’s what you give after a performance right? Definitely not wooing you!”
Jin laughs. “Are you sure?” he asks teasingly, “This is the first time you’ve ever given me flowers, you know. And we have had countless lives way before.”
“Shut up.” Kame says, his face visibly red by now. “If you don’t want it, I can give it to Lizzy or Aubree. I’m pretty sure they’ll appreciate it more than you.”
“I like roses,” Jin says, hugging the bouquet to his chest. “It’s mine.”
The younger lets out a laugh. “You’re such a kid, Akanishi.”
He gives him a lopsided smile. “Thank you.” Jin says quietly, “I know I caused so much trouble. I…I just wanted to see the world. My way.” He lifts his eyes and stares at Kame. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, Jin. We—...I understand.”
The older closes his eyes and draws out a sigh. “I know,” he says quietly, “I wasn’t able to keep my promise, Kame. I-I…”
Kame places a finger on Jin’s lips, thus effectively cutting him off, “It’s okay. I understand now. You don’t have to explain to me.” he takes a step closer, leaning his forehead on Jin’s, “I believe in you. I--I always did.”
Jin takes a deep breath, closing his eyes. He breathes in Kame’s scent, sweet and homely, like Christmas mornings and the first day of spring. It’s been quite a while since he’s been this close with Kame. Unconsciously, he drops the bouquet on the floor in favor of tightening his grip on Kame’s wrist. “Thank you.” Kame melts into his embrace, sinking into Jin’s arms, natural as it can be.
***
Jin thinks it would have been better if he just said what he felt at that moment. When he saw Kazuya standing inside his dressing room, bouquet in hand, looking every bit as perfect as the morning sun, Jin didn’t know what to do. He simply stood there, listened to the other talk. Or to be more precise about it, watched him talk. Kame must’ve been congratulating him or something, but it was all blurry to him. He had watched him intently, trying to discern what was going on inside Kame’s head. He had not expected Kame to watch, much less to come backstage and actually talk to him.
Rewind.
(Not an option.)
“What are you doing here?” he asks roughly.
“I came to watch you, of course,” Kame says, a genuine smile pasted on his face. “Wouldn’t miss it for –“
Jin takes a step closer and envelopes Kame in a hug, thus effectively cutting him off.
“You shouldn’t have come.” Jin tells him, burying his face in Kame’s hair. He missed this. They stay like that for a while, neither one saying a word. But then Jin stiffens. He’s not supposed to be like this with Kame anymore. He lost all right the moment he signed the paper stating that he’s going solo. He can’t be selfish anymore, can’t hurt the younger anymore. If he pushes through with this, if he creeps back again into Kame’s life, he knows he’s bound to cause him pain.
Again.
“You better go.”
The younger looked taken aback. He stares at Jin, eyes wide in confusion.
“Go.”
“Jin. I-I thought we could talk things –“
“I said, go!” The older turns away, his voice turning colder.
“If it’s about you leav—“
“It’s a mistake. There’s nothing more to talk about, Kame. We don’t need to re-hash it all over again. Look, I’m sorry, but… just go.” Jin turns and leaves him in the empty room.
Kame silently watches as Jin leaves. He should’ve known.
Between Jin Akanishi and Kamenashi Kazuya, things always end up this way.
Kame watching Jin walk away.
***
He finally breaks down. An hour hasn’t even passed yet and already he feels like he’s suffocated, internal organs ripped unwillingly from his body, lungs on fire, his heart constricting in strange twists and beats. His breath hitches and the tears start falling. He walked away with a strong, I-give-no-fcuk expression on his face, but he knew it was all just an act.
Of course, he wasn’t okay. How could he be? He didn’t want to break away, to never see Kame’s smile, his eyes crinkling in a crooked angle whenever he laughs, his warm embrace, his incessant, childish whines, his sweet-almost-like-strawberries-Kazu-esque scent. Heck, he even misses Kame’s bossy and obsessive side. No one tells him off now for coming in five minutes late or for leaving clothes scattered inside the dressing room. No one shooting him deathly glares when he misses a step or sings a note off-key.
Jin misses it all.
He keeps on walking, though, every single time. Not once, not twice. This time though, it can’t be anything but the last. It hurts but he knows he can’t go back.
They can’t go back.
Is it over? Between lines of a forgotten love song, unrequited love poems and sighing melodies, a tiny voice keeps on nagging, asking, almost begging.
Is it really over?
And because it started out as a fairy tale, they thought it would end that way. Perfection, rainbows, castles and happily ever afters. It was the next step, the only ending prescribed by Mr. Hans Andersen. They couldn’t have the wicked witches and treacherous dragons win now, could they? It was off to sunset and dream lands where their story should end.
But.
To begin with, was it even a fairy tale?
First things first.
The night was incredibly chilly. Clad in only a thin pair of cotton shirts and pants, both boys were visibly shivering under the almost, paper-thin cots the staff had provided them. Tired, hungry and plenty annoyed with the way their supposed vacation was going, both boys huddled in their own corners of the cramped tent.
“I hate this,” Jin complains loudly. “Leave it to stupid, Takki-senpai to trick us! If I’d known we’d spend the whole day doing senseless stuff, I would’ve made sure that that stupid Yoko won instead! This is not a freaking vacation! It’s torture!” he says irritably, punching his fists in the air. “I’ll get them back, for sure!”
Kame, despite feeling the same uncomfortable-ness and irritability with their situation, couldn’t help but laugh at the [supposedly] older boy’s theatrics.
“Calm down, Jin!” he chokes out between fits of laughter, “Just think of the fans we’ll gain after they air this. People will probably feel sorry for us –“
“They’d better!” Jin snorts, “The horrors! Gaaah, I sw—“
“-- Then they’ll hate Takki-senpai and Tsubasa-senpai for making us –“
“Yeah, right. As if people could ever hate the golden boys of JE. I highly doubt it.”
“C’mon Jin. It wasn’t that bad, was it?”
“Not bad?” Jin guffaws, sitting up on his thin cot, baring his broad, if somewhat thin chest. “We were made to wear stupid shirts bearing stupid Tsubasa-sempai’s name, grandpa socks, eat and even drink bitter gourd and on top of that, we weren’t allowed a proper bath!” He delicately sniffs both his armpits as if to make a point. “I’m smellier than the dried fish they sell at the market!”
“Let me see!” Kame says, full of mirthful laughter while he scooted closer to Jin. “Yeah, you stink! How would your fans feel about this!”
Jin’s breath momentarily stops when he feels Kame’s hair accidentally brush his skin. He looks at the messy mop of dark brown hair hovering near his left shoulder, suddenly feeling an indescribable urge to touch them.
“— Jin?” Kame asks, puzzled. “Why are you staring at me like that?”
“Staring?!” he sputters, “I WASN’T STARING!”
Kame straightens up, intentionally bumping their shoulders. “You were so!” he laughs. “Your stink must be clouding up your brain. Making googly eyes at me,” he teases. “Falling for my idol charms, Mr. Akanishi?”
“In your dreams! I am not making googly eyes at you, kid! And for the record, you’re a hundred years too early to call yourself an idol.” Jin says grumpily, turning his back on the other boy, afraid that he’d notice the tell-tale blush he had felt creeping up on his face. “I’m going to sleep!” He announces, burying himself hurriedly inside his cot.
“Jin?”
A rustle. Kame feels the other shifting in his cot, “I’m not…mad.” Jin’s voice is muffled by the sheet covering him. “It was just a long day. Sorry for snapping at you.”
“It’s okay. We’ll totally get back at Takki-senpai when we return to Tokyo.”
Jin laughs. “Yeah. We’ll slip goya juice in their bento boxes. And I’ll make sure Tsubasa-sempai gets locked somewhere. Preferably a dark and dirty closet. We’ve got lots of those in the jimusho.”
“Jiiin~ That’s so mean!”
“You know what, Kame, maybe we should’ve gone along with your Hokkaido trip idea instead. At least they wouldn’t be able to make us sleep outside, unless they wanted us to freeze to death!”
Kamu lets out a yawn, “I told you so, didn’t I?”
Jin shifts closer to him and ruffles his hair, “Go to sleep, bushy brows.”
They stay quiet for a while, the crashing waves outside their tent the only sound breaking the silence. Jin could hear the other’s breathing starting to slow down.
“Hey, Kame,” Jin whispers, “you still awake?”
The other boy stirs sleepily in his cot. “Hmm?”
“I’m sorry this wasn’t the dream vacation I promised you. One day, when we’re both rich and really, really famous I’ll take you to a real vacation. Hokkaido, Hawaii, wherever you want.”
“Go back to sleep, stupid Jin.”
He opens his eyes. The unbidden memories rushed inside his head and now, he’s wishing for something to numb himself from the pain of remembering. It would’ve been easier, a whole lot easier, if they could go back and just start over again. If this was a storybook, Kame would’ve ripped the last pages, go back to start and write everything again from the moment awkwardness began. They could blame it on adolescence, on hormones, on their jobs, on fear of rejection and scrutiny or on almost everything else they could think of: in the end though, it was their choice.
Kame leans his head on the steering wheel and cries.
Perhaps, their story was not meant to be a fairy tale nor a love story, not even a long-forgotten fable.
It’s just the way it is.
***
The whole building was almost empty now, save for a few of the maintenance people finishing up the grunt work of cleaning up that was left behind. He was glad. He wasn’t sure he wanted his crew to see him bawling his eyes out. Spying the empty stage where he just performed a few hours ago, he walks towards it and stops in right in the middle. The seats were empty, the lights turned off. Jin gazes at the huge expanse of empty space. There was a time when he hungrily dreamed of being on this spot. People flocking just to see him, hear him, watch him. He, (well, they) thought that would be the best thing in the world. To know that by simply being there, they could actually make other people smile, even for just a tiny while.
But, is it enough?
Sometimes, he thinks he asked for too much. He…no, they had it after all. All their singles and albums shot up straight to number one. Movies, dramas and concerts were all waiting for them, for him and Kame especially. And of course, it didn’t hurt that he was the other half of the most popular pair in KAT-TUN. Girls were all over him and he couldn’t even actually get out of his apartment without having the paparazzi following his every move. It should’ve been enough. Fourteen-year-old Jin would’ve given him a huge pat on the back.
Somewhere along the way though, Jin realized he was not happy anymore. It had nothing to do with KAT-TUN, with JE, with his fans and not especially with him. He simply wanted something bigger, grander.
He wanted to be free.
“Still here?” a voice suddenly breaks him out of his reverie.
He turns around and sees Aubree, bag slung over her left shoulder, obviously on her way home. “Yeah,” he answers turning away quickly to wipe his nose on the sleeves of his shirt.
Aubree smiles, noting the tell-tale tearstains on the other’s face, sitting on the floor beside Jin. “You know, I do somehow owe it to you.”
“Huh?”
“Well, if you hadn’t chosen me…or us as part of your crew, I’m sure I’d still be slugging my way through LA auditions and stuff. I mean, I do get gigs but, admittedly, nothing as big as this.” Aubree gestures at the huge expanse of the Mann theater, “When we first met at the dance studio, I never imagined that you were actually a star back in Japan. You didn’t really strike me as the type,” she gives him a wry look. “You, with the god-awful messy hair, beanie hats and hoodies -- a singer. I initially thought you were just some rich kid off to LA looking for a good time --”
“Josh would agree with you on that one.”
“—but! You have actually proved me wrong,” Aubree looks straight at him, a twinkle in her eye. “Akanishi, you were really serious about the whole learning English and improving your dance skills thing. It actually surprised me to see you slugging your way through your studies. I thought you only wanted to learn English so you could pick-up girls!”
Jin laughs, “Don’t go falling for me now, Aubree-chan!”
“As if! I,” she announces fake haughtiness in her voice, “do have standards you know. Sorry to say, but stupidity isn’t high on my list.”
“And here I thought you were finally acknowledging my hidden intellect.”
“Riiight~~” she says, rolling her eyes. They break into laughter, their voices ringing throughout the empty hall. Aubree’s the first to stop and she casts a solemn look at him. “You know how hard it is to make it out there. For whatever it’s worth, thank you, Jin.”
“What are you saying now?! I’m not good with drama, Aubree-chan.”
Aubree laughs. “Stuuuupid! This is not drama. Jin,” she begins, her face turning more serious. “Look, I don’t know what happened between the two of you. But this is freaking ridiculous! You guys used to work together. You even grew up together. Doesn’t that account for something?”
“Used to is the operative word, Aubree.”
“Jin… just…talk to him. At the very least, thank him for coming. You can’t let things remain like this.”
“He already left, y’know.”
Aubree ruffles Jin’s hair. “This is so not like you. Stop acting like you’re too cool to care. I know you do.”
“Stop ruffling my hair,” Jin says swatting her hand away, “Don’t confuse me with your little brother!”
Aubree lets out a laugh, “You’re such a kid.”
“Shut up.” He turns his gaze back on the empty seats. He takes a deep breath, staring at the emptiness in front of them. “It’s just… I don’t know,” he says quietly. “I’m not good with these kind of things.”
“You don’t have to be good at it. You just gotta do it. That’s all there is to it. It’s not rocket science. Follow what your heart tells you. Just do it.”
“This is not a fucking Nike ad, Aubree.”
“Shut up.” Brushing off the dust on her knees, Aubree stands up and ruffles again his hair affectionately. “I know you’ll do the right thing, stupid Jin.” Smiling, she gives him a small wave and walks away.
Jin watches Aubree leave. He knows she’s right. But he was so afraid that he’ll only hurt him. Again. He wasn’t sure if he wanted that kind of guilt all over again. Perhaps it was a bit selfish of him, but he simply didn’t want to make any more promises he couldn’t keep.
***
“Kame, I’m not so sure about this. Should I really go?” 22-year-old Jin asked, brows furrowed, fingers twitching nervously. They were standing in the crowded airport, several bags at his feet. “I can still cancel the whole thing. I-I don’t wanna leave you guys hanging.”
“Stop! Chances like this only comes once in a blue moon. Take it!” Kazu admonishes. “Be glad Johnny-san approved it.”
“But—“
“No buts, Akanishi. You know you want this. Just go,” he reaches for the others’ hand, smiling bravely at him, eyes glistening.
“I… We’ll be waiting.”
Jin stands up and rushes for the door, ripping past a startled Aubree. He does not stop, he does not want to think. Selfish or not, Jin doesn’t want to make him wait again.
“Here,” a twenty-one year old Jin says to Kame, tossing him something small and shiny.
Kame instinctively catches it. “Huh? What’s this?” A small, shiny silver pinky ring suddenly appears in his palm.
“A ring,” Jin says scruffily, “Can’t you tell? Idiot.”
Kame glares at him. “I know it’s a ring, baka. I’m asking what it is for. It’s not Christmas, or my birthday or—“
Jin comes closer, impatiently grabbing the ring and slipping it on the other’s left pinky. “There.” he says, taking Kame’s left hand, bringing it to his eye-level to inspect his handiwork. “Fits perfectly.”
Kame’s mouth turns into a silent ‘O’, soft pink tingeing his cheeks.
“That’s because you said you liked mine. So, I thought I should get you one, too.” Jin babbles, his own cheeks suddenly turning red. “It’s not like...you know… l-like like you or anything! But of course, I don’t hate you! Because, you know we’re best friends and th-that –“
“Thank you.” Kazu says, looking at Jin, a soft smile tugging at the corner of his lips.
Jin turns, hiding the huge smile that suddenly broke out of his face.“Yeah. Whatever.”
***
And everybody says that they can’t be in love. It was not supposed to happen. It shouldn’t have happened.
And yet, there they were.
Jin Akanishi and Kamenashi Kazuya.
Naively, stupidly, madly and foolishly.
In love.
It was not a case of love of first sight, nor was it the stuff of fairy tale romances – there were no damsels (or lads, in their case) in distress to be rescued or to be carried off into the sunset.
This story only involved two young boys who once dreamed of becoming stars.
“Kame!” Jin yells, his voice too loud for their 5 o’clock call time, as he bounds inside the cast room like a puppy.
“Jin, you’re so noisy,” Kame complains. “It’s barely morning. I haven’t had my coffee yet and you’re ---“
“I love you.”
Kame smiles at him indulgently. “What high are you on to now? Is it for a show? Okay, I love you, too.” He chuckles, “Like you leave me with a choice! What’s gotten into you?”
Jin squats down, aligning himself to the other boy’s eye level. “No, I mean, I love you, Kame -- Kazuya. The kind that makes me want to be your knight in shining armor. The I- want-to-kiss-you-senseless kind of love. Including the I-want-to-be-with-you- and-do-stuff with you. O-o-rr not do anything at all, but just have you in my arms, ‘cause that feels good, too, you know?” Jin babbles blushing furiously, “Don’t freak out, but… Kazu—Kazuya. I love you.”
Kame stares at Jin. He doesn’t know how to react. Here was his best friend of six long years suddenly saying he loves him. Loves him in a way that a boy loves a girl. Or another boy, in their case. But most definitely not the platonic kind. He keeps his gaze on Jin, trying to ignore the weird thumping in his chest.
“Is this a joke, Jin? What are you saying?”
Jin looks at him squarely, seriousness written all over his face. “I said, I love you. I’m not kidding, Kazuya.” He leans closer, his face inches away from the other. “I’m dead serious. I love you, Kazuya Kamenashi.”
***
Jin runs through the near-empty hallway, heart hammering in his chest. He was stupid. He knows, had known it all along and yet he kept on denying it. He knew there’ll be hell to pay – and he had been too scared to risk things.
Fuck it, though.
Jin smiles to himself. I’m really stupid. He keeps running, moving his legs almost frantically, hoping against hope he wasn’t too late. He’s always been on the slow side, but this was one time he can’t afford to be late. He thunders down the stairs leading to the car park, one thought in his mind.
I love you, Kamenashi Kazuya.
“KAZUYA!” Jin yells, huffing, as he finally reached the almost-empty lot. He looks around frantically, hoping to spot the younger’s car. “Kazuya Kamenashi!!”
Finally, he spots it. Kame was leaning back on the driver’s seat, eyes closed. He edges closer, knocking softly on the glass window. “Kame?”
The other’s eyes suddenly pop open. He squints at the other, disbelievingly. “Akanishi?”
“Yo,” he says, smiling sheepishly.
Kame lowers the window slightly. “What?” he asks harshly. “Came to humiliate me some more?”
“I’m sorry.” Jin’s words tumble out. “I was a jerk. Still am. I know that. I’m…sorry,” he chokes out. “I’m sorry, I’m really sorry.”
It wasn’t easy. It…wasn’t supposed to be.
If it was, it wouldn’t be love.
“I love you.”
“Don’t fucking kid with me, Akanishi.” Kame says, voice trembling.”Just…don’t.” He starts rising up on his chair but Jin beats him to it.
“I do. I really, really do.” He closes the gap and kisses Kame, no hesitation at all in his movements.
Kame stiffens. Jin’s lips, warm over his, making him feel things he shouldn’t be feeling.
“Jin.” Kame breathes out, eyes dazed. “S-stop. What are you doing?”
Jin cocks his head to the side and flashes him his infamous goofy grin. “Kissing you. Wasn’t it obvious?”
Kame flushes, his face turning red. “I know that! Stupid! I-I mean...w-why?” He shakily steps away from him, refusing to look at Jin in the eye. “Y-you can’t possibly like me. In the first place, we’re both guys. A-and just think –“
“Stop!” Jin steps closer to him, soft smile on his face. “It’s not impossible. Me falling in love with you. Don’t you think,” he says, lifting his left hand to caress the other boy’s cheek, “this is just how it’s all supposed to be?
“You think,” Kame says, lips in a tight smile, “that it’s so easy to forgive you, Jin? I don’t know what to make of you. Of us. It’s always this same stupid cycle. Frankly, I’m getting tired of it.” He sits up in his driver’s seat and puts the car into gear, “Goodbye, Jin.”
“Wait!” Jin tightens his grip on the door, struggling to open it “Please, just hear me out. P-please,” he chokes out.
“Let go!” Kame says forcefully.
Jin struggles to open the car door, his face a mess of tears, “Kame..Kazu.. Please. I know I’m an ass, but please. I’m sorry.” He claws at a silver chain dangling around his neck, a simple silver band attached to it. “I didn’t forget. I never could.”
Kame’s eyes widen. He didn’t expect Jin to still have that.
He comes to his senses, though. Kame can’t afford to think like that again. “What do you want me to do?” he spats back at him. “Fall all over you and forgive you because hey, look! I still keep this!” Kame laughs, his eyes flashing. “Don’t fucking kid with me, Akanishi.”
“Please. Kame, Kame. I’m sorry.”
“Can it, Jin. You’ve said it perfectly earlier. It’s over.” Kame steps on the gas making the engine roar back to life.
“Goodbye, Jin.”
“KAME!”
The car doesn’t stop though. Kame drives away and Jin stands there in the empty parking lot.
And for once, Jin is the one watching Kame walk away.