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Jeongyo needed Pio to say it.
For ten years, he had been tormented by the utter betrayal of the person he had cherished most in this world. The only person he had felt drawn to enough to let his guard down so quickly. The only one he could share his music with and truly believe that they could create something immensely beautiful. Together. That was all he had wanted. They were supposed to share the piano, side by side for as long as the two of them could breathe.
“I’m sorry. It was me.”
So why did Pio have to tear it all away?
Jeongyo tried to meet Pio’s eyes, but Pio refused to look at him. A white flash of anger surged through him.
How dare he. After everything Pio had done- the man who took his life away couldn’t even look at him.
Jeongyo felt tears form in the corners of his eyes, but he blinked them away.
“How could you do that to me?” He spat.
Jeongyo had been hurting. For so long. An unending pain that stabbed through his shoulder as a reminder of what he’ll never have. A reminder of him. And all the lies of a companionship that was never enough.
Jeongyo’s eyes pierced through Pio, demanding him to fully come clean. Yet sitting on the couch across from him, Pio seemed far away. His eyes glossed over, as if his mind was turning over a million thoughts at once.
After an agonizing silence, Pio sighed. Then, he admitted to everything. To his jealousy. His desperation to win the competition. To being the one behind the plot to abduct Jeongyo. Everything that Jeongyo had feared to be true.
And Jeongyo, who did not want to admit to it, had harbored a sliver of hope that he was wrong. That Pio had nothing to do with it, and Jeongyo could end his path of revenge.
But Pio did it.
And any inclinations of forgiveness Jeongyo could hold onto were now dead and abandoned.
“I will make you feel all of the pain I suffered at the hands of you,” Jeongyo sneered.
Pio stared blankly ahead. Then he whispered, “ If I die, will it not be enough?”
Rage tore through Jeongyo. Tainted with fear and a flash of concern that Jeongyo pushed aside, he snarled, “You do not get to get out of this so easily. You will play my concerto exactly as I want you to. You will endure the hell I am about to put you through. And you do not get to stop until I say so.”
Jeongyo needed Pio to understand him and all he went through.
“You put me through a decade of agony. This is the least you can do.”
Pio finally met his eyes with quiet resignation and something else Jeongyo couldn’t quite decipher.
“Okay.”
~
“Take 27!”
Pio’s hands were beginning to tremble more involuntarily as they fell to his side on the piano bench. He felt his back soaked through with sweat and the weight of the whole concert hall was starting to feel suffocating. Everyone was waiting on him- the orchestra looming on his left, the peering eyes of his mother and Jae-in in the audience, and the constant gaze of Jeongyo burning a hole into his head.
Jeongyo had just torn through his playing of the cadenza, slamming his hand at the score in front of Pio’s face and vehemently insisting that he was not portraying all of the anger, hate, and betrayal that Jeongyo required for him to convey. It was as if the whole room held its breath, resigning to be silent bystanders to Pio’s humiliation.
But while Pio was used to the judgment of all those around him, waiting for him to fail, he could not handle that disappointment from Jeongyo. Through all of the lone rehearsals together leaving Pio freshly cut open for Jeongyo to pick apart- Pio was beginning to feel his efforts were useless. He wanted Jeongyo to be satisfied. His pain was supposed to be the fire to help light Jeongyo’s ambition again. Yet the more they were in each other’s presence, the more he felt his mere existence was hurting Jeongyo. It was as if the Jeongyo he thought he knew was slipping further back into an ice he couldn’t thaw out.
Would anything Pio did ever be enough for him? For anybody?
As Jeongyo raised his hands to cue the orchestra in to begin the next take, Pio reluctantly brought his shaking hands back to the piano. His fingers were raw and red, on the verge of bleeding again. But Pio would do this over and over again, for as long as Jeongyo required him to.
As Pio began the next take, he let his helplessness, his agony, his fear, and his grief over the man he lost a decade ago consume him.
~
The cadenza began and Jeongyo listened as Pio’s more frantic playing filled his ears. The notes were at the tempo Jeongyo had tried to grind into Pio, yet this time it was not fueled by a drilled repetition but raw anxiety.
Jeonyo turned his head over his shoulder towards Pio. The man at the piano was playing in a distraught frenzy. His eyes were wide, staring into a different place and time.
Jeongyo pressed his lips together. He had told Pio to play this cadenza with the deep seated fear and betrayal he had felt when running through the woods towards his death. Yet this…something was off.
It was as if Pio was letting the entire room peer into his insides and tangle through his deepest fears. Yet what Jeongyo found was not the hate and guilt he believed to be buried there. Instead it was anguish. It was sorrow and building distress. The kind that made somebody want to helplessly tear their skin out.
Because they felt powerless.
Huh.
Jeongyo shifted his body to completely face Pio. The man before him was completely dissociated, yet his hands continued to play feverishly, building to the climax of the cadenza with swelling chords-
Silence sliced through the room as the notes abruptly cut off. Pio’s hands were frozen at the piano, trembling and unable to move. He had finally reached his limit.
Thoughts that Jeongyo were not ready to entertain were about to flood in, but he slammed those gates shut.
Stepping off the conductor’s stand to loom behind Pio, he declared, “It seems that you just don’t have it in you, Pio. You’re out.” And he walked straight off the stage. Gone. So quickly that Pio almost didn’t realize his own legs were standing up to follow him.
~
Pio grabbed Jeongyo’s collar and crowded him into the wall of his dressing room. He felt ruined. He gave Jeongyo everything he could, and yet.
“How can you take me out? I did everything you asked me to!” Pio panted in Jeongyo’s face.
Jeongyo just stared back at him. Then a slow smirk started to creep up the corner of his mouth. Pio could not read past his dark eyes reflecting only disdain towards him.
“Quit your whining. You’re not built for this, Pio. Give it up already. You’ve wasted my time.” He pushed Pio’s hands off him, turning his back on him.
Pio stepped closer. “Jeongyo. I don’t know what else you want from me.”
Jeongyo still wouldn’t look at him. “Don’t you realize, Pio, that you have already failed me. All that’s left is for you to burn in the fate I’ve set for you.”
Pio reached for Jeongyo as he grabbed his bag and turned to leave-
“You’re pathetic. It’s talentless losers like you who steal away from real geniuses.” Jeongyo sneered, and pushed past Pio out the door.
As the door slammed behind him, Pio gasped and struggled to take in full breaths of air. He dropped to his knees, collapsing into the floor.
I said I would endure this.
Pio took in another shaky breath as he struggled to hold himself up on the ground. He could feel his heart beat more erratically.
How weak can I be?
It was like the more he tried to breathe, the less air he could take in. He started clawing at the neck of his shirt, gasping for any air that would allow itself to enter his lungs.
Pio’s body fully collapsed to the ground. He felt tears spill down his cheeks and hit the floor in front of him.
I can’t do this anymore. God, I’m so tired of this.
Sobs started wracking through his whole body. He tried to get on his hands and knees again to crawl towards the door.
I will never be enough. Just a burden to everyone around me.
Pio grasped the door knob and shakily stood on his feet to open the door.
Especially to him. How could I hurt him this badly?
Pio stumbled through the hall and out the entrance into the cold night air. The wind bit at his skin as the leaves stormed through like bullets. Pio let them thrash into his body as he continued down the road.
Even if he were to learn the truth..it would be too late. There is no repairing the damage that’s already been done.
Pio found himself at a bridge.
One he has walked down countless times before. From practice sessions and late night rehearsals at the concert hall. When he needed to run away for a while from the suffocating air of his family home. But the time he remembers most was a night after school, when he and Jeongyo had snuck out of the building and sat atop the gate entrance, side by side and howling down the road before them. That was the first and last time Pio ever felt so warm and carefree. The last time he saw Jeongyo’s smile reach his eyes.
The lights of the city and the cars driving quickly seemed to fade as Pio stared down into the waves below the bridge. They knocked violently into each other, fighting to hold a glint of the moonlight that cast above them. The more he stared, the more Pio found comfort in the dark depths that whispered below him. They promised an end. They didn’t ask any more of Pio. Just for him to fall and succumb to the emptiness that’s been waiting for him.
All Pio’s life, he has been asked for more and more. To be the best for his mother, to try to help ease all of her paranoia and insecurities. To even just once, feel the pride of his grandfather, a man who has damned his existence since he was born, constantly reminding him he would never be enough. To be a companion to Jae-in, who asked him for a love he could not return. And to have been there for Jeongyo. To have saved him from the hell he has fought through for so long. Because of Pio.
I don’t have any more in me.
Pio feels the wind at his back pushing him closer to the edge.
I couldn’t love you in the way I should have. I’m sorry Jeongyo.
Pio steps off the ledge and plunges into the cold abyss below him.
~
Jeongyo sits on the edge of his bed staring down at the floor. He couldn’t shake the way Pio’s playing at the recording session wormed back into his mind.
What kind of emotion was that? That wasn’t what-
Suddenly, his phone started ringing. It was his and Pio’s old piano teacher, who had wanted them to play four hands in the first place.
Jeongyo answered, “Hello?”
“Jeongyo. I have something to tell you. It’s about your abduction, and Pio.”
Jeongyo scoffed, “Don’t bother. I already know.”
“What-”
From the distance he could hear a woman’s voice shriek, “What are you doing?! Who are you talking to-”
His teacher’s voice was back on the line. “Pio’s mom is with me right now. She just confessed to me that she was behind all of it. Pio had nothing to do with it, Jeongyo. He just found out. She threatened to kill herself if Pio tried to tell you.”
From the other end, Pio’s mom started sobbing, “I have to go Jeongyo, we’ll talk la-”
Jeongyo let his phone clatter to the floor. He felt his ears ringing.
Pio’s emotions during the concerto. He was terrified. He was in so much pain.
And Jeongyo ignored it because he was too angry to see it.
Jeongyo dialed Pio’s number and bolted out of his apartment. He ran down the street towards Pio’s house.
“God damn it Pio! Pick up!”
Cars honked and swerved past him as he cut across the road. The wind was howling in Jeongyo’s ears as he felt drops of rain start to litter his face.
Everything I put him through. Why did I have to go so far?
Jeongyo was gasping for air as he ran through the bridge. Then he froze in his tracks.
Jeongyo felt his heart drop into his stomach. In the water below him he saw a jacket floating at the surface. The same one Pio had on tonight when Jeongyo fired those terrible words at him and slammed the door in his face.
“Oh please,” Jeongyo whimpered. “No,no..”
This is my fault. Jeongyo stepped over the ledge to dive into the crashing sea below.
Everything was dark. He swam as far down as he could, reaching everywhere around him to feel for Pio. It was too dark. He couldn’t see. He thrashed through the water as fast he could. But he could feel his oxygen give out.
Jeongyo emerged back up at the surface to take in more air. The waves were crashing even harder into each other. The sea felt like it was throwing him back and forth as the rain came down harder to drown him.
Jeongyo gasped for air and plunged down once more. He reached the very bottom, when suddenly he felt a brush of skin against his hand.
Pio.
Jeongyo grasped onto his body and pulled him up to the surface with him.
Please. Please, God.
Jeongyo was kicking and screaming as he pulled Pio onto land with him.
He tried shaking his shoulders, roaring, “Pio! Answer me, you bastard!”
Pio laid before him with his eyes closed, cold and unmoving. He felt for his pulse on his neck. Nothing.
“Pio, You need to wake up!” Jeongyo started CPR, pounding his weight through Pio’s chest. Desperation clawed through as Jeongyo’s tears fell onto Pio’s face. They became mixed with the rain that continued relentlessly down onto them.
It can’t end like this.
Jeongyo kept giving compressions for what felt like hours. Pio never moved an inch.
Pio, I need to tell you. Please don’t leave me here like this.
Jeongyo felt his arms give out from exhaustion.
No.
He cradled Pio’s head and sobbed into his chest.
“Pio, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know, I’m sorry.” Jeongyo wept, “I need you, Pio please.”
But his cries never reached him.
Jeongyo clung to Pio’s body as the rain wracked through them. He refused to let go ever again.