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Serizawa is the first out of his seat when the teacher announces the end of class.
He bounds over to Suzuki who is still meticulously putting his pens away.
“I’m half starved.” He declares, his fingers skimming Suzuki’s shoulder before they curl around the dip of his elbow and tug up gently. “Did you bring food or should we grab something from the snackshop?”
Suzuki rises with the pulling, a little clumsy and a little helpless,”ah… I bought food.” He mutters, eyes darting over to where the rest of his group have begun shambling over.
Serizawa smiles, a tad sharper than usual before moving to the side to block his view of them and Suzuki’s eyes shoot up to meet his.
There.
Perfect.
“Let’s go then!” He says, flipping Suzuki on his heel and throwing an arm over his shoulder.
“The-! The food!” Suzuki exclaims, backpedaling and Serizawa laughs, “right, right!”
Suzuki ducks under his arm and takes hurried little steps back to his desk.
His friends have made it to them, and though Serizawa loves them, and they really are the best guys, but when they are around, Suzuki keeps his walls up, walls that Serizawa wants to tear down with his bare hands.
“Serizawa.” Takeuchi says, flat and unamused. “-don’t rush him.”
“I’m not rushing,” Serizawa replies, grinning “just hungry.”
He absolutely is rushing. They get 20 minutes of lunch, so any minute he can get with Suzuki in his arms is worth rushing for.
Takeuchi is not impressed but Serizawa can’t bother with him because Suzuki returns with his lunch wrapped in soft peach cotton, a little smile on his face.
Serizawa raises an arm up, holding his breath as he waits.
Suzuki’s eyes dart around before he bows his head and then steps forward to press his shoulder up under his arm.
Serizawa’s heart actually flutters, as he lays his arm back across his shoulders.
He leans in close, their noses almost touching, “ready?”
Suzuki's face flushes and god, he wishes they were alone, wishes they weren’t in school right now, wishes that they weren't merely friends.
“Ready.” Suzuki nods, almost bravely.
So. Fucking. Cute.
Serizawa squeezes at him and then navigates them out of the classroom.
The lap sitting started out innocent on his part. It really did.
He did want to read the continuing story, that was not a lie. And this was definitely the most efficient way, no matter what the rest of the guys said.
But admittedly, it was mostly to see what boundaries Suzuki was gonna let him cross to allow him to get closer.
He had thought easing his way into Suzuki’s world was the way to go. Slow and steady, like the tortoise.
But after a year of waiting, he simply can't anymore.
He must now be the hare.
The thought that Suzuki had been watching him in the same way he had been watching him, make him audacious and prehaps even reckless.
At each point, their first conversation in the classroom, the way he gave into the piggyback ride, how he leans trustingly into him when in his lap, how he opens his mouth, tongue and teeth touching lightly to Serizawa’s fingers, it makes him want to shake and shout and he wants more and more and more.
Even now, with Suzuki warm and soft against his chest, he still wants more.
He sweeps his thumb under Suzuki’s lower lip, and then Serizawa watches with hungry greedy eyes, as a blush unfurls on his cheeks like a flower blooming, watches the reddening of his earlobe.
“Aw,” he coos, letting his fingers drift over his cheek, down to his collar, “So cute.”
Suzuki closes his eyes tight for a moment, obviously overwhelmed.
Serizawa likes that, he loves when Suzuki’s emotions surge because of him.
It was one of those things that made his heart leap when he spotted him in the library, that depth of feeling.
He wants to make Suzuki feel like that all the time, and he wants it to happen because of him.
Serizawa wants to fill every crevice and shadow, seeping in like tea spilled on paper.
“...don’t say that.” Suzuki whispers, chin dipping to hide his expression, but Serizawa never allowed that before and he certainly will not now.
He tugs Suzuki harder into his chest with one arm, the other crossing up to grab his chin, turning his head so Serizawa can meet his gaze. Suzuki resists for one moment but he gives in, trusting him and it gives Serizawa a surge of pleasure, his submission, his trust.
“You are.” he affirms, letting his thumb touch the corner of his lips. Suzuki’s eyes flutter, as if his words have a physical weight. His breathing hitches, and under his hand, his heart beats wildly.
He is so close, Serizawa only needs to press forward a scant few centimeters to kiss him.
Memories surge, how warm and soft his lips were in that second he touched them, how his eyes looked hazy and luminescent in the starlight after.
He forgets for a moment that he shouldn't lean forward, because…because why? Why is it that he can't just cup his face and kiss him?
“Serizawa.” Someone calls out and the sound has him jerking, head turning so he spots the speaker.
Takeuchi is frowning at him, his message clear. He pushing too hard.
Serizawa frowns back.
What a spoil sport.
He can’t fault him. He had asked him to help him pull the reins, and yet he feels robbed of something.
That feeling is intensified when Suzuki suddenly gets to his feet, escaping Serizawa his grip the moment he let his guard down.
He almost trips as he steps over Serizawa’s shoes and he in turn reaches out to grab the back of his shirt.
“Where you goin’?” He asks, keeping his tone casual but he misses the mark when Suzuki's shoulders hunch.
“Bath- bathroom.”
“Let’s go together then.”
Saeki and Iwasaki both match Takeuchi's unimpressed stare but Serizawa can’t pay attention to them.
“I’m fine!” Suzuki says, his face turning redder and he slips from Serizawa's hand a second time.
It feels like a warning.
He almost runs out of sight and into the building.
Serizawa swiftly gets to his feet to follow him but Iwasaki catches at his arm as he passes by them.
“Slow down.” Saeki advises, squinting up at him “-maybe he needs a moment.”
Serizawa knows he’s probably right, and he looks at them. He really should relax, pull back, be patient and all those other wise things his friends have been telling him, things he’s been telling himself.
And yet, he can’t. He feels like any moment he’s not inching closer, Suzuki is pulling away and if he lets him get too far, he’ll disappear from reach.
Serizawa pulls his hand away, “I’ll be right back.”
The group groans but they don’t preach at him further as he takes off into the shade of the building.
He takes the stairs two at a time and almost collides with Suzuki who had frozen at the bottom, one arm wrapped around his stomach and a hand at his face, fingers on his lips.
“Whoa!” Serizawa says, moving around to see his face, “-something wrong?”
Suzuki wakes, blinking up at him slowly, and then his expression pinches as he recognizes Serizawa.
“Ah. Serizawa…”
Serizawa grabs at his shoulders and then lets his hands sweep down to grab his biceps.
“Are you okay?”
Suzuki's face fills with color and he drops his hand down from his lip, his eyes darting about.
Serizawa squints suspiciously at him, “What were you thinking so hard about, Suzuki?”
Suzuki's eyes widen and he looks down at the ground. “Ah… um…”
He starts to wiggle in Serizawa’s grasp but he’s not gonna let him escape this time. “You can tell me. I’m always here to listen.” Suzuki suddenly looks guilty of all things, eyebrows pinching in and Serizawa's heartbeat doubles.
He has a feeling he knows what this is about.
Suzuki is quiet for a long moment, and Serizawa decides to wait for him.
Suzuki then lets out a breath and still looking at the ground he whispers, “kiss…”
Serizawa’s eyes almost bug out of his skull. Kiss? He wants a kiss?? Now? Did he finally get through to him?
Something in his head, sounding too much like Takeuchi, tells him to pause and assess.
“What about… a kiss.” He replies, desperately trying to keep his voice gentle and nonchalant.
Suzuki's hands are shaking, his shoulders bunching up and Serizawa wants to help him, ease him, tell him he doesn’t need to say it but at the end of the day he’s desperate and greedy and selfish and he wants and wants and wants.
“When… when we kissed.” Suzuki says quietly, “I was thinking about that. I got… embarrassed.”
Serizawa's knees almost give out. Such a forthright genuine answer. He adores that about Suzuki, that he gives the truth first.
“Ah.” Serizawa says, his heart jumping. He tugs Suzuki into the shadow of the stairway, Suzuki’s eyes wide but he lets himself get pulled, “-and why were you thinking about it?”
He should give him an out, ask if it’s about his book or something he read recently but his whole body feels keyed up, and he presses Suzuki against the wall, crowding him, hungering for an answer.
Suzuki's chest rises as his breathing gets more labored, he bites his lip in nervousness.
Serizawa stares at the thin white line that forms in his lower lip, before reaching up with his thumb to pull it free.
“Don’t hurt yourself.” He breathes, leaning in closer so Suzuki can’t avoid his gaze, “-why were you thinking about our kiss.”
Suzuki's face is pinched and red and Serizawa hates to think it, but subtly arousing to him. He presses his body in more, now completely surrounding him but still not touching.
“Too close” Suzuki gasps out, turning his head to the side, putting on display that line of attractive moles down his cheek and neck. His hands are splayed out, finger twitching.
Serizawa feels a heat pool in him. He sort of looks like he would if Serizawa had him on his back, on crisp white sheets, trembling and kiss- drunk.
He takes a deep breath.
He needs to pull back, slow down.
With great self sacrifice, Serizawa roughly says, “Am I making you uncomfortable? Am I too close?” He doesn’t make any move to step back though.
Suzuki’s eyes close tight, and he’s silent for a moment, a moment that hangs between them until Serizawa feels like he can hear both their heartbeats in their chest.
“No.” Suzuki says, eyes opening. “It’s just… when you’re close like this, it reminds me of … when… when we kissed, but…” he pulls his hands in front of himself, wringing them. His face is so red, Serizawa can feel the warmth of it even from where he stands and his eyes look teary. “But I’m starting to forget what it felt like… our kiss.”
Serizawa stares at him, shocked.
“I see…” he says slowly. “You’re forgetting.”
He feels stripped bare, feels like Suzuki has somehow shaken his world again without knowing. They had said that they wouldn’t forget about their kiss, but he wasn’t aware that Suzuki still thought about it.
For him, he had replayed that moment hundreds of times, every night, before bed, he would think about the way Suzuki melted under his hands, gave himself over, his lips, the whisper of a touch that ignited in him a scorching desire, how it felt like the confirmation he was seeking that he was truly in love.
“I can help you remember.” He breathes, his hands gently gripping Suzuki’s wrists so he stops his fretting. “If you need me too.”
Suzuki's eyes go wide, panicked and Serizawa grits his teeth. He jumped too fast again, plunging in without knowing the depths.
He smiles, and hopes it doesn’t look as strained as it feels, “-Not on the lips. Just…”
Before he can think about it more, he tilts his head and softly kisses at his cheeks.
Suzuki takes an inhale of breath almost like he’s reaching for air after drowning and his hands come up to cling weakly to Serizawa’s shirt.
“Seri-”
Serizawa doesn’t want to hear a No if it’s coming, presses forward again to kiss higher up on his cheek, then another on the mole on the side of his nose.
He waits for the push, for Suzuki to curl away in embarrassment but instead… instead he raises his face up, listing towards him and it feels better than permission. He lets go of Suzuki's wrists and grabs his beautiful face between his hands, tilting him up, thumbs along his jaw.
He kisses his closed eyelid, soft dry touches against smooth silk skin, warm and turning warmer still the longer he goes on. He kisses at his temple, something sweet and brief but carries the scent of his hair as he moves to press one to his forehead.
Suzuki's breathing has gone haywire, exhales that wash over Serizawa’s face and neck, with just a tinge of sound. It’s driving him crazy, he wants that sound to overflow, wants more and more and more.
He cups the back of his head, pulling Suzuki in so their bellies almost touch and begins pressing kisses down the path of the moles on his face, one, two, three, until he hits his jaw, and here, he lets his mouth open, hot and wet on the slope of his neck.
Suzuki gasps, turning his face away, his whole body tightening up.
Serizawa pulls back, knowing he stepped one step too far.
His own breathing is heavy, and he drops his hands from his head to cup his shoulders, staring at him. He can’t see evidence of his kisses, but his red face and teary eyes is enough.
He’s lying, it feels like nothing will ever be enough,
“Okay?” He says, more breath than words “Did that help?”
Suzuki looks up at him, lips trembling but then he nods his head.
Serizawa can’t help it, he tugs him into a hug, one of his arms huddling his head into the slope of his neck, breathing in the scent of floral and cotton.
“You’re cute.” He says into dark locks, but the word hitches in his throat, laced with desperate emotion.
Suzuki grips at his loose shirt with both hands, inhaling.
He needs to be content with this, for this might be the only thing he ever gets, a line drawn in the sand, a wall he can’t quite cross.
This should be enough. He wanted to be friends, and friends they are.
Why isn't it enough?
Serizawa pulls away, a hand reaching up to trace under a weepy blinking eye, then tracing the path of moles before resting it on a sloped shoulder.
“We should head to the bathroom before we run out of time.”
Suzuki blinks, once, twice and then nods, bowing his head and staring when Serizawa slides his hand all the way down his arm to interlace their hands.
“C’mon.” Serizawa says, soft but even to his ears is shaky.
He leads the way out of the darkness of the stairway but stops abruptly when he feels resistance at his hand.
Suzuki has dug in his heels, but his other hand has come up to cup Serizawa’s.
“Serizawa-” he says, and eyebrows are tilted in and his mouth a wobbly upturned line.
And his eyes, they look at him with so much admiration, glowing as meets Serizawa unblinking gaze. “Thank you… thank you for always understanding me.”
He looks down at his hands surrounding Serizawa’s, and he feels those soft little hands squeeze tighter, “-you're so good to me… thank you.”
Guilt floods Serizawa, rendering him speechless.
Suzuki steps forward, pressing to Serizawa side and he merely nods, throat tight and eyes misty.
It is not enough, this can never be enough. It’s like a drop of water on his tongue when he’s dying of thirst, it’s like seeing the finish line and yet never close enough to cross it.
Suzuki must like him, the affection and admiration in those eyes is undeniable.
But Serizawa doesn’t want to be liked, he wants to be loved.
He wants Suzuki to drown in him and still want more, because that’s what he feels.
He could spend hours kissing him like moments ago and his hunger be no closer to satisfaction, he could hear him laugh for days and yet miss it the second silence reigns, he could touch him, everywhere and still seek new places he can claim.
He swallows hard, gripping Suzuki's hand tighter, dreading the moment he’ll have to let go again, hoping that the day where he won’t have to, comes soon.