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Jimin has his own room in the villa. It's lonely, the way getting home and being alone in his own flat had been lonely. He can't hear anyone else breathe. He can't smell anyone else's night farts. Jungkookie's head is not pressed against his. No one is stealing his blankets the way Jungkookie had all through filming and then for several nights afterward.
The first night here, he had fallen into bed with Tae. But tonight he's alone and awake. He's sure that Namjoonie is awake too, since he's been really insistent about weaning himself off the sleeping pills even though he still has so much trouble. Namjoonie has asked to be left alone at night, to be alone in a room, so Jimin will respect that and leave him alone. For now.
Or maybe he won't. He hasn't slept with Namjoonie in so many years. Since before enlistment, since before Jin hyung enlisted even. He'd thought -- for a moment, for a minute -- maybe they were back in each other's orbit like that, when they were sitting next to each other and talking about each other's music the way they used to. But no, they split, went off to the service, didn't talk almost at all for all those horrible enlisted months.
Mostly, Jimin thinks, because Namjoon desperately hadn't wanted any of them to know just how bad it was, just how much he was struggling. If he admitted it to someone real, then it was real, and then he might have to transfer out the way Taemin hyung had, and for all the work Jimin has watched Namjoon do on himself... For all of it, he still has very firm ideas about what it means to be a man, to be Korean, to be a Korean man.
Those ideas don't include tapping out of something just because it's killing him.
Jimin lies in bed and tries to put that out of his mind. The ceiling is fascinating, isn't it? So fascinating. Definitely better than thinking about what Namjoon would think if he walked in right now, if he saw Jimin in his lace and silk nightgown, soft and pretty and definitely not masculine like all of Joon's boyfriends have been.
Would he get Namjoon hyung, reassuring hyungie telling him they love him and there's a place for him in the band no matter what? Would he get RM, leader nim, telling him it's too dangerous when there are cameras around? Would he get 2011 Joon, not so secretly a little disgusted by how feminine Jimin is (and, then, was desperately, so desperately, trying to to be)?
Or would he get his Namjoonie, big eyes like he can't believe he's allowed to look and delicate hands like he can't believe he's allowed to touch?
Jimin wishes... Ah, well, wishing isn't worth anything unless you can work toward it, and there's nothing Jimin can do except wait to see if Namjoonie ever catches up to what Jimin wants, ever figures out what they could have, how incredible they could be together. All he can do is wait to see if Namjoon will ever come back to him and want who Jimin really is, want more than just friends with "benefits".
Jimin smooths his hands over the soft lace and thinks about what it would feel like if Namjoonie's hands were the ones touching him. Maybe one day.