Chapter Text
Winnie watches a man get mauled on the eleven o’clock news while the little caption crawling across the bottom of the screen advises people of the local traffic conditions. She stifles a stifles a panicked giggle into her fist—because this is the third attack this week—and they’re still trying to call a duck anything but another duck—
Lenny scoffs. “Talk about your fake news. Come on—there’s a game on channel seven—Blondie!” He raps his coffee cup on the table like a judges gavel, “Am I getting that refill anytime this year?”
She pastes on her biggest, fakest smile, switches the channel to the football game and grabs the decaf. “Sorry ‘bout that, Mr. Dawson! Be right there!”
Grabs the special pot of decaf they keep in the regular banded pot, because that man especially doesn’t need any more ump in his grump.
(No he’s not allergic to decaf.)
(Yes she knows for certain.)
Last week it had been a series of drug related incidents (and your friendly after-school reminder that crack is bad, kiddos), then over the weekend they started stressing that it was completely unrelated to that new slasher flick that won all them awards last summer—and Winnie can’t help wondering how many other cases might be going unreported because… well, Murica. People get shot every day for way less than chewing on their neighbors—heck, you got some kinda guardian angel thing goin’ on if you don’t get shot for chewing out your neighbors.
So she pours Lenny his fifth free refill and slips back into the kitchens to get a fresh bucket of ice for station two—only doesn’t, not right away—takes a moment to dig into her apron, pulling her phone out of the ziplock baggy she keeps it in to keep it from getting wet.
It’s stupid. She’s played too many of Avery’s video games. Zombies.
The thing is…
The thing is…
The thing is it’s possible. Not actual dead people getting back up for a stroll and snack, but sickness making people act crazy. Violent.
And if the ‘Rona proved anything, it wasn’t that epidemics spread too fast for authorities to contain them, it’s that what you can catch getting bit you can catch getting scratched or smooched or sneezed on, and no one wants to believe it could ever happen to them.
That right there is what’s killed everyone in the history of everything, ever. It won’t happen to me.
The phone rings and rings and rings and she makes her decision. If this is the next pandemic, they’re going to be as ready as they can be. The shrewd one sees the calamity and gets out of the way; that’s the difference between the shrewd one and the screwed one.
(She is perhaps not remembering that scripture correctly but whatever. If they wanted her to remember her Bible right, they shouldn’t have kicked her out of Sunday School.)
The line clicks and there’s a soft scuffle before Avery’s voice cracks on a half-mumbled “Heeeey pretty mama what’s the haps?”
“Hey lil man, how you feelin?”
It’s a Big Dumb question—he has the flu—she had it last week, she knows very well how he’s feeling—and she wishes she’d been able to take a second week off to take her turn taking care of him, but the restaurant biz never did care if your kid is sick, only if you are.
At least it’s only the flu, and not… whatever this new thing is.
“Mnuh. I haven’t puked in like—what time is it—like a whole two hours wow that's the real crazy.” He yawns, “‘S’going on?”
She folds herself over the hand washing station to rest her head in her free hand and forces herself to just breathe. It’s only the flu. She had it last week. It’s fine. He’s fine. “Eh, maybe it’s the end of the world, maybe it’s Maybelline. Drink some more water and go back to sleep, I’m going to get a jump start on my looting this time ‘round, so I’ll be home a little later than usual, whatcha think?
“Zombies or aliens?”
“Zombies.”
“Bummer,” he drawls, “I had a twenty on aliens.”
She laughs, for real this time because for real.
“Well consider this a lesson on diversifying your investments… An’ text your uncle, tell him to come ‘round—and bring that psychotic goose he’s livin’ in sin with, I want them off the streets for the next couple weeks.”
Avery snorts. “I’m using those exact words. Be safe.”
“Love you little man.”
“You toooo~”
She snaps her phone closed and goes back to work before she can start overthinking about it.
You do what you can with what you have. If this is the next pandemic they’ll be as ready as they can be—the Lord will take care of the rest.
@@@
Avery texts his uncle—it’s always a toss up whether or not he’ll be in the headspace he can answer, but things have been better since he shacked up (…van-ed up?) with Han Li. They look after each other.
Hauls himself up to the bathroom sink to rinse his mouth out and drink some water, eat a couple crackers so he can take another slug of ‘Quill without immediately losing it, and flops back down into his nest of towels in front of the toilet. That’s the fam squared away—he opens up his HomeEd app, tabs over to the Discussion Board, and @s all:
APOCALYPSE BINGO? IN MY BACKYARD? IT’S MORE LIKELY THAN YOU THINK!
dj*ampersand
PSA my mom’s calling it get your tray tables up and hang onto your butts we Officially got Zombies
dj*ampersand
so everybodies phones on silent ASD style better dumb thots than dead thots
H8R
You’re memes are stale and you should feel bad
chalupacabra
ah lads not again
bromosapien
I’m about to be a one man cheeseburger apocalypse!
ADRIAN!!!1!
🫡
dj*ampersand
my memes are vintage you heathen
WerewolfAnkles
Wait like for realsies or is your mom being all your mom again?
tyronesaurusRex
👍
final-girl
Viral/Fungal
Slow/Fast
Dead/Mutant
H8R
You’re*
itsyaboi
🤘
Quesomorphine
I got me an ax~
H8R
You’re*
actually!man
Actually, your mom might not be too far off. 13.04.24.pdf | 14.04.24.pdf | 15.04.24.pdf | 16.04.24.pdf | 17.04.24.pdf | 18.04.24.pdf | 19.04.24.pdf | 20.04.24.pdf | 21.04.24.pdf | 22.04.24.pdf
dj*ampersand
yore? :3
Quesomorphine
yore?
itsyaboi
Yore?
Quesomorphine
>:P
dj*ampersand
FIRST
chalupacabra
🤣
ColdStoned
@final-girl Looks like viral/fast/mutant. shroom zombies are more like dude let’s sit in the sun and cuddle and listen to house ambient while our spores return us to the all-mother
Quesomorphine
e.e point to you sir.
ColdStoned
deez nuts doing the chompy mcwhackos thing
Sunny_Dee
Wow, Jamal, this is amazing! Did you put these together yourself?
chewbecca
@ColdStoned …LoU would beg to differ…
actually!man
Green dots are reports of symptoms, blue dots are unarmed assaults local police are categorizing as unprovoked, red dots are violent altercations being claimed as acts of self-defense.
H8R
YOU’RE*
actually!man
Compare to | C192021.zip |
actually!man
This is spreading faster than Covid did.
ColdStoned
LoU is cordyceps slander and the Court Will Not Allow It.
actually!man
Yeah, thanks!
[actually!man has pinned a document]
H8R
Go choke on a lego I hate u all
Mrs.Kimball
Thank you for keeping us in the loop, Avery. Please have your mom call me when she gets the chance (not about you, your grades are excellent, I just want to catch up!).
Mrs.Kimball
Jamal, that is beautiful work, I expect to see that kind of detail on your next assignment…
Mrs.Kimball
Grabthar, You know I respect your freedom of expression but please change your screen name to something that isn’t a drug reference.
actually!man
I promise nothing.
ColdStoned
It’s not! It’s an ice cream reference!
itsyaboi
He does not control the hyperfixation
Quesomorphine
He does not control the hyperfixation!
ColdStoned
And frankly I’m insulted you would think my sense of humor so bougie.
Mrs.Kimball
Oh of course not! But HomeEdu has a very strict no drug paraphernalia policy, and that includes screen names referencing terminology associated with illegal, controlled, age-restricted, and prescription substances.
Quesomorphine
Man I am way off my game today. :C
Mrs.Kimball
You can name yourself “Abusing Tylenol”, if you like!
ColdStoned
how come chewbecca and quesomorphine don’t have to change THEIR names???
chewbecca
MY NAME IS A LOVING HOMAGE TO A BELOVED SCIENCE FICTION ICON DONT BRING ME INTO THIS
Quesomorphine
Casomorphin is the protein in cheese and morphine is a perfectly legal medication!!!!
Mrs.Kimball
I’m sorry, Becca and Sheska, but hadron-collider does have a point. If all three of you could please change your screen names I would really appreciate it.
[chewbecca has changed their name to GRUMPYbecca]
[ColdStoned has changed their name to AbusingTylenol].
[Quesomorphine has changed their name to really-cheesed-off]
[GRUMPYbecca has changed their name to AbusingAspirin]
[really-cheesed-off has changed their name to AbusingCasomorphin]
AbusingTylenol
And it’s haDron-colliDer the capital Ds are very important to my mental and emotional health.
Mrs.Kimball
Thank you, ladies and haDron-colliDer. I have been teaching for over thirty years and you really are my favorite class I’ve ever had.
@@@
Dale’s phone buzzes against Han Li’s nose and she grunts unhappily, mashes her face into his shirt to go back to sleep.
“Hm?”
“Nmf.”
But it buzzes again, and now she’s awake…
Ugh and now she has to pee.
She cusses to herself and fishes the phone out of his shirt pocket. Tries to get her eyes to focus. 10:04am. The little popup text banner says Avery Vanderlyle.
She groans. She actually likes Dale’s family—that had not been in the plan, but his sister doesn’t hassle her about “getting clean” or “setting a bad example” for her kid—and her kid is…
Hilarious.
Han Li has no interest in being a mom but if she could guarantee they came out like Avery?
Well, no, she still wouldn’t want them, but she wouldn’t abort them, either.
Would probably give them to Winnie, since she’s supermom anyway.
Still, thank god for birth control.
She thumbs the banner and turns the screen around to Dale’s face to unlock.
Avery Vanderlyle 10:01am
whaddup unkulele
Avery Vanderlyle 10:02am
mom says it’s the zombie apocalypse and to “bring that psychotic goose you’re living in sin with” home for a few days.
Han Li snickers—yawns and taps the microphone button, instead of bothering with the keyboard. She swears they get smaller every year—whether Dale gets a new phone or not…
There’s your conspiracy theory. Every update they shrink the keyboard, to make you think you need to upgrade to a bigger screen.
“Classic or modern?”
Avery Vanderlyle 10:05am
~eheu! at the moment i lie like a hand-forsaken muppet chained to the alter of the porcelain god so i dunno what the tv is saying but 9 out of 10 internets agree Modern.
Avery Vanderlyle 10:05am
Fast and mean.
You 10:06am
So like my girlfriend.
Avery Vanderlyle 10:06am
GASP I’m so ratting on you that you said that!!!
You 10:06am
Snitch.
You 10:06am
How do you type so fast?
Avery Vanderlyle 10:07am
shaqshimmy.gif lessthanthree partypopper partypopper jazzhands lessthanthree sunglasses
[Low Battery - Switch to Low Power Mode?]
She hits yes and sits up to rummage around the dashboard console for Dale’s charger cord—and his keys.
“M—m’up, I’m up. Y’all right?” He makes a zombie-like noise himself.
“Fine.” Twists the ignition on and plugs his phone in. “Where are we?”
He stretches and levers himself up on one elbow, scratching at his stubble. It’s funny—he looks nothing like his sister, ginger where Winnie’s blonde, gangly, where she looks like she stepped out of an Oktoberfest ad—but you can see a little of that in Avery….
More than whoever Avery’s father had been.
“Uhm. McDonald’s?”
(Unless he’s Avery’s father—you never really know with white people.)
(Yeah yeah, mean. She is mean. And fast. That’s life—fast and mean and everyone’s trying to eat you. That’s not the zombie apocalypse, that’s Tuesday.)
She kisses him on the cheek. “Give me money.”
“Yeahp—Wallet. Git me a coffee?”
“Yeahp.”
She gets them coffee and breakfast, since he’s not supposed to take his pills on an empty stomach, and they head over to the trailer park. They need to do laundry anyway, and there’s no sense spending money where you don’t have to.