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[Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov sit in director's chairs in the Ottawa Centaurs locker room. Across from them in similar style chairs sits Zane Boodram, Wyatt Hayes, Luca Haas and Troy Barrett. There's a white board behind them that reads 'Shane or Anya' in bold block letters. Generic game show music plays in the background.]
Ilya: Hi, I'm Ilya Rozanov.
Shane: And I'm Shane Hollander.
Ilya: And why are we here today, Shane?
Shane: Because Harris is really quick to bring up our contractual obligation?
Ilya: And?
[Ilya gestures to their four teammates and the board behind them.]
Shane: Oh, uh, I guess we're here to play a game or whatever.
Ilya: Which game is that?
Shane: You could just tell them, you know.
Ilya: Yes, but that wouldn't annoy you.
Shane: Our friends are here to guess whether a disgustingly sweet statement you made is about me or our dog.
[An image of Anya, a medium sized brown and white dog wearing a strawberry patterned dog coat with bright pink dog boots on her feet flashes on the screen.]
Ilya: And will this be an easy game, Shane?
Shane: You'd think so, but no. No, I don't think it will be.
[Ilya rubs his hands together gleefully as their teammates exchange semi-worried looks.]
Troy: Do we get anything if we win?
Ilya: My undying love and admiration.
Troy: Does that come from Shane too, or just you?
[Shane looks up from the cards in his hand, his eyes trailing from Troy back to Ilya next to him before they look back down at the cards.]
Shane: Definitely just Ilya.
[The four teammates nod and Troy shrugs his shoulders with a, 'You know what? That's fair,' before the footage cuts to black.]
[Shane clears his throat and reads from the first card he holds.]
Shane: "Being around you feels like turning the key to home after being lost at sea for many, many years."
Wyatt: Wow, that's really beautiful, Roz.
Ilya: Thank you, Hazy. My mouth is good for many things. Kissing Shane. Insulting assholes. Making pretty language about my husband and my dog.
Troy: That's got to be about Shane, right?
Zane: It would make the most sense. Being lost at sea because they were idiots denying thier feelings for so many years, but now they're finally together and it's like coming home.
Luca: He does love Anya a lot though, so I think it could be about her.
Wyatt: I mean they all could technically be about both of them, that's kind of the point of the game.
Zane: I still think this one's about Shane.
Troy: Same.
Luca: Okay, we'll go with Shane.
Shane: Is that your final answer?
[They all nod, and a dramatic drumroll sound is heard before Shane shakes his head.]
Shane: That was said to Anya.
[A red X appears over them on the screen to indicate they have gotten the question incorrect while the team members grumble and Ilya beams. Shane looks at Ilya and a small smile curls up the corners of his mouth.]
Troy: Why the fuck would you say that about your dog when Shane Hollander is right there?
Ilya: I think the real question is why you DON'T say that to your dog?
Troy: Because he's just a dog?
[Ilya's hand comes up to clutch at his chest, his jaw dropped open in clear shock and offense. He then points a finger at Troy looking menacing.]
Ilya: How dare you.
[Wyatt sits forward in his chair and claps his hands, a strained smile on his face.]
Wyatt: What do you say we move on to the next question before this turns into much more typical hockey content which I'm sure is not what Harris is going for?
[Ilya glances at the top card in his hand, a sweet smile taking over his angular face.]
Ilya: "Every time you lay on me, it's like all my problems disappear for a few seconds."
Wyatt: He's posted like three photos in the last week of Anya laying on him, so that would make sense wouldn't it?
Troy: Yeah, every time I'm at their house, Anya's laying on Roz.
Zane: It does make sense, but we thought the last one made sense too, and we were wrong.
Luca: I think this one is about Shane.
Wyatt: Tell us why.
Luca: Because I've seen the look on Roz's face when Shane sits in his lap, and he's always happy when Anya comes to sit with him, but it's never like that, you know?
Zane: We should probably listen to Luca. He is pretty obsessed with Roz.
Luca: I had one poster growing up!
Shane: And a blog.
Troy: And an email newsletter.
Wyatt: And the Instagram update account.
Zane: So, yeah, we'll go with Shane as the answer.
Ilya: That's correct.
[A green check mark appears to indicate they've gotten the answer correct, and they high five each other while Luca stares ahead, cheeks beet red under his glasses. Ilya's shoulders shake with laughter and even Shane appears amused as Zane claps Luca on the back.]
Zane: Never beating those allegations, bud.
[Luca's voice sounds squeaky when answers.]
Luca: Great.
[It's Shane's turn to read a quote, and his brows draw down as he reads what's next. He turns to Ilya and asks, 'really?' and Ilya grins and nods, leading Shane to shrug and begin to read.]
Shane: "My most precious ryumka, I need you to drink more water so I can make sure nothing happens to you. You are the water of my life. I have never seen anyone drink water as well as you. You are perfect."
Zane: This cannot be real life.
Troy: What does 'ryumka' mean?
[Shane and Ilya both answer 'shot glass' which leaves confused expressions on everyone's face except for Wyatt.]
Wyatt: I know this one because I was there. You said this to Shane when we were out celebrating after we won the Cup last season.
Shane: Even though I have no memory of this, that is correct.
[The green check mark appears and Wyatt looks pleased with himself as Zane pats his leg and Troy still looks to be trying to figure out why Ilya would call Shane a shot glass.]
Ilya: To be fair, you were very drunk at the time.
Wyatt: I have it on video actually.
[Wyatt pulls out his phone and brings up a video, walking closer to the camera so he can show the not entirely in focus clip to the camera. In it, Shane can be seen laying against Ilya's shoulder in a booth. Scattered shot glasses and beer mugs are on the table, and Shane's cheeks are bright pink while he bats Ilya's hand away as he tries to get Shane to drink water. Ilya softly speaks the words from the question Wyatt answered, and Shane finally does manage to drink water, Ilya praising him as he watches closely, leaning down to press a messy kiss to Shane's Adam's apple. When Shane finishes the water, he drunkenly slams it on the table, and asks Ilya if he's proud of him, to which Ilya replies he's, 'never been more proud,' as he brushes Shane's hair off his forehead and places a kiss there.]
Shane: Wait, let me see that.
[Wyatt walks over to him, and Shane watches the video with Wyatt's phone in his hand, his eyes going wide at the part where Ilya kisses his neck and then tells Shane how proud he is. Shane's gaze snaps up to Wyatt.]
Shane: Can you send this to me?
[Wyatt laughs and nods, gently plucking his phone from Shane's hand.]
Wyatt: Consider it done.
Ilya: "Hello my beautiful love, I have brought you some special food from your special diet to stop your hunger and make sure you have a happy stomach so we can all be happy and you can continue to be a radiant beam of light in the world."
Zane: Uh. Okay. Wow. A lot to unpack there.
Troy: I feel like this has to be about Shane. He had a performance diet for a long time.
Shane: How do you know about that?
[They all look to Troy, who immediately sinks a bit in his seat as he looks back nervously.]
Troy: Oh, uh, I— well I'm sure I read it in an article or something somewhere. He shared a really good salmon recipe.
[Shane's face scrunches up in confusion, and Ilya's eyes narrow a bit.]
Shane: You read articles about me?
Troy: Didn't everyone?
[Troy glances to Wyatt on his left and then to Luca and Zane, all three shaking their heads in disagreement.]
Troy: Wow. Cool. Learning a lot of things today.
Zane: Can't say I ever read anything about you, Shane.
Wyatt: Yeah, I can't say I ever sought out information about Shane. No offense, Shane.
Shane: Absolutely none taken. I actually really appreciate that.
Luca: I only read about Shane when it was an article about his rivalry with Ilya.
[Zane hides his mouth behind his hand and leans closer to Luca, though his voice can still clearly be heard on his microphone.]
Zane: Still not helping the allegations, man.
Ilya: And how many articles did you read about Shane, exactly, Troy Barrett?
[Troy visibly swallows before he laughs nervously, his leg beginning to bounce up and down.]
Troy: Um, you know, I don't really think that's relevant right now because we're playing this game, and I think we should answer the question which I'm going to say our answer is you said this to Shane. Sound good, everyone? [He doesn't pause to verify with the other three, just continues to talk quickly.] Okay cool, our answer is Shane.
Ilya: Incorrect.
[Ilya answers with a half-glare at Troy as the red X appears again, and the men complain at another missed question.]
Zane: Your dog seriously has a special diet?
[This questions seems to break Ilya from his Troy-centered frustration as his face softens and he taps the cards in his hand against his leg.]
Ilya: She is allergic to chicken, so I just happen to stop by the butcher to get her a steak on the way home from practice a few times a week.
Wyatt: Roz spoiling his dog. Will wonders never cease?
Shane: Where is this energy when I need more protein powder?
Ilya: You can't get protein powder at the butcher, Shane.
Shane: Right of course. Silly me.
Ilya: And don't act like you're not right there with me encouraging me to get her the higher quality meat.
[Shane's cheeks flush pink as he tries to look nonchalant, leaving Ilya to smirk at Shane's clearly guilty face.]
Shane: I don't know what you're talking about.
[Shane sighs slightly wistfully, while his eyes run over the next words he's supposed to read out. He takes a deep breath before he speaks.]
Shane: "I never realized what it was like to be truly happy before I met you."
Wyatt: Fuck, that sounds like a really romantic wedding vow or something.
Troy: We were at their wedding. They didn't say anything like that.
Zane: You remember that? I just remember my feet hurting from standing all night. The cake was fucking incredible, though.
Luca: They definitely only said the traditional vows, so it's not from there.
Zane: So, who do we think he said this to?
Wyatt: I have to believe he said this about Shane.
Troy: God, same.
Wyatt: Like I know Roz loves Anya, but he loves Shane, you know?
Luca: Yes, I think we go with Shane.
Zane: Agreed.
[They all look to Shane and Ilya, only to find the two of them staring softly at one another, apparently having a full but silent conversation as Ilya laughs and Shane knocks his knee into Ilya's.]
Wyatt: I think that's answer enough.
[A green check mark appears over the screen, as Zane rolls his eyes affectionately at them before he calls out.]
Zane: Hey lovebirds, you want to join us back here on Earth?
[Shane and Ilya turn their heads toward Zane, both blinking at him as they try to process what's been said. Shane manages to recover first.]
Shane: Sorry, what was the question?
Wyatt: We got the answer, don't worry.
Ilya: "You are the most precious being in the whole wide world, and I would fight whole armies to keep you safe because no harm will ever come to you as long as I am alive. You are so perfect, and I would clone you if I could. Wait, let me look up and see if it's possible. I have lots of money and very little overhead. I would live in my car if I had to. I have a backseat and everything now, it will be fine. My sweet angel baby, I will love you and protect you forever and ever."
[The sound of crickets can be heard as the four men across from Shane and Ilya all have varying expressions of disbelief on their faces.]
Zane: What the fuck? There is no way you said that to Shane.
Luca: He certainly doesn't need protecting.
Zane: Right? That's Shane motherfucking Hollander.
Wyatt: Can you even imagine two Shanes?
Troy: Yes.
Wyatt: Hockey would never be the same.
Troy: The whole world would never be the same.
Zane: So, we all agree it's Anya, right?
Wyatt: Absolutely.
Luca: Yes.
[Ilya grins and nods and another check mark flashes on the screen, and the contestants make a lot of noise while Shane's face is once again bright red.]
Ilya: Okay, last one.
Shane: I think you should read it. They're your words.
Ilya: You're sure?
[Shane nods and reaches over to squeeze Ilya's hand.]
Shane: Of course.
Ilya: "Jesus fucking Christ, I love you so goddamn much."
Wyatt: Wait is both an option?
Zane: Surely he's said that to both of them.
Luca: I would certainly think so.
Zane: And I feel like this wouldn't be a game with Ilya Rozanov without some kind of trick question thrown in.
Troy: So we go with both?
Wyatt: Yes, both.
[The drumroll sounds again, and Shane and Ilya say together, "That's incorrect," leaving the men to bemoan missing another question. Zane throws up his hands, Troy sinks into the chair and begins to lightly pout, Luca looks dejected, while Wyatt pats at Zane and Luca's backs comfortingly.]
Zane: You can't convince me you haven't said that to Anya.
Troy: Yeah, you let her lick your face, there's no way.
Ilya: I would not say fuck and goddamn in front of my sweet Anya. She's just a baby!
Shane: You said fuck in front of Amber last week.
Ilya: And I put the appropriate amount of money in the swear jar. I have atoned for my sins, and I'm basically going to be paying for their university, why are you bringing it back up?
[Shane bites his lip to keep from laughing, and Ilya maturely sticks out his tongue before he turns to address his teammates.]
Ilya: Yes, I love Anya, so much. She means the world to me, but I save my most intense declarations of love for my Shane. He's everything. [He moves his body back to face Shane, reaching out to grab Shane's face gently in his hands, pulling it as close as he can with the arm rests of the chairs between them.] Jesus fucking Christ, I love you so goddamn much.
[Shane finally lets his laugh loose, though it sounds wet and a bit shaky.]
Shane: I love you, too.
[They close the small remaining distance, their lips meeting in a deep kiss that doesn't appear it will end anytime soon. Zane, Wyatt, Troy and Luca watch for a moment before Zane nudges Wyatt's elbow.]
Zane: Did you see Larkin got booed last night?
Luca: I saw a bunch of modified jerseys on Instagram.
Wyatt: I heard about it, but haven't seen it yet.
Troy: Is it good?
Zane: Oh, it's incredible, let me pull it up.
[They continue to converse while Shane and Ilya kiss, both sets of men completely unbothered while the camera slowly zooms out and then cuts to black.]
@centaurshockey He might be contractually obligated, but we got most of those quotes from @realshanehollander's notes app 🤭 Tickets are available now for tonight's game against Buffalo!
Posted October 1 at 2:08 PM
***
@realshanehollander @centaurshockey traitor. I was going to apologize for kissing in your video, but not anymore.
@ilyarozanov81 @realshanehollander you should kiss me even harder next time. Really stick it to the man.
@hockeyluver1221 the thought of shane hollander keeping a running note of all the sweet things ilya says 🥹
@heidihoneighbor I love their love
@b00dramzane We got four out of seven correct, and I think that's something to be really fucking proud of boys.
@wyatthayes @b00dramzane do you think coah would accept that as our record in the early season?
@brandonwieb @wyatthayes No.
@hockeywhore God, fuck traditional hockey content. Give me this for the rest of my life. Well, and games. I still really love the games.
@troybarretthockey It's come to my attention that I was insensitive to members of the dog community, and I would like to apologize for my hurtful comments. You are so much more than just dogs. You are beautiful beings with so much to give to this world. An extra apology goes out to my dog, Chiron. The best boy there is. I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you, and have made a $25,000 donation to the Ottawa Humane Society to help provide safe spaces for animals in the greater Ottawa area.
@ilyarozanov81 @troybarretthockey did @harrisdrover1995 write that for you?
@troybarretthockey @ilyarozanov81 no comment
@ottawacensgurl @troybarretthockey I can't believe you had to issue that apology instead of spending time talking about what's really important: a Shane Hollander clone.
@troybarretthockey @ottawacensgurl Right?!??