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October 15
I almost had a breakdown on my way home today. Why is it so hard to deal with this? I don't even know if it was him, but the hair was the same. There were little freckles on his neck, too. Same height.
I thought it would be over by now. I thought time would make it easier, but it didn't. Another day and somehow it's still not over. Maybe it never will be.
About four months ago, I made myself a promise: if this feeling wasn't gone by then, I'd move to Saskatchewan. Well, might as well start looking up flights.
At least it's quiet there, small. No subway where I can accidentally find you.
Maybe, eventually, you'll just be another person who passed through my life.
November 24
I visited a tea shop here in Regina today, but I didn't stay for long. I bought some herbs to make green tea. I wanted to get a few other things, but I started feeling sick.
The place smelled strongly of lavender. You smelled like that, too.
Not strongly, though. It was faint, almost unnoticeable, but somehow it stayed with you. It stayed in the room even after you'd left. There's a word for that, but I forgot what it is.
Thinking about it now, I should probably start therapy. I complain about everything in my life anyway. The difference would be that I'd actually be paying someone to listen to me.
Maybe they'd help, I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if therapy even works. Everyone has their own way of getting through things, maybe this just isn't the way I'll get through mine. I still haven't found my way out of this.
I'm still counting the days.
December 5
200 days. That's a pretty long time, isn't it?
I still haven't started therapy. I couldn't find many psychologists around here. That's what I get for moving to a tiny country because of one person who managed to affect me in ways I never thought possible. Whatever, I should've started a long time ago.
I still count the days. Maybe that's the problem. I'm always waiting for the day when you'll finally become just another person who passed through my life. Just another face.
Well, happy birthday, I guess.