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In his imagination, he reacted differently.
He had practiced for the inevitability in his mind: a cordial nod, a polite smile, his eyes showing strength, dignity, and buried heartbreak. In his mind, the public was on his side and Zayn glanced back from where he stood at the altar with a trace of regret in his eyes.
In reality, Justin couldn’t even bring himself to congratulate them.
He would have felt ashamed of himself but he was preoccupied with falling apart on his bedroom floor. Lana sang about summertime sadness and he tried to piece the illusion back together. Maybe Zayn would call and say “I still love you” and “nothing has to change”. Justin would grasp at those straws and ignore how pathetic it felt because it was something.
Maybe Selena would call and they’d both get drunk and talk about how love was shit and so was Hollywood. Maybe she’d be inspired because Zayn and Perrie made it, maybe she would come back. Only, that was ridiculous, because Selena never called him anymore.
Maybe Perrie would call and laugh and tell him it was a publicity stunt, only that was ridiculous because he had personally witnessed how in love they were.
The night with Zayn and Perrie happened almost a year ago. They were all winding down, sitting on the couch watching TV. Zayn and Perrie were beauiful, predetory, and Justin was in over his head.
Zayn said "You should really stay." with this look that didn't give Justin any other option. Perrie smiled, and the night unfolded naturally from there.
Whenever Zayn and the boys met up with Justin after that, they’d slip away to dark corners to kiss and touch and Justin fell a little harder each time. With the way Zayn smelled, the way he moved, his accent when he said 'oh' and 'yes' and 'fuck'. Objectively, they were just two friends hooking up a lot. Nothing less, nothing more. But Justin had always been a romantic, and even when they weren't pressed up against each other Zayn looked at him the way no one else did. He couldn't resist it even when the guilt caught up, grabbed him by the throat, and demanded he tell the truth.
“Perrie said it was okay.” Zayn explained when Justin finally choked out the question. For a moment, there was overwhelming relief, but then Zayn pulled back and smiled. "I would never do this behind her back, man, you know that."
"Yeah, man," Justin said. "I know." That was the moment he realized The Inevitability, but chose to ignore it. It could be dealt with later, he would acknowledge it and sort out his emotions...he would. He pushed it away for months until one day in August 2013, when the illusion shattered
Zayn called.
“I’m so sorry,” were the first words out of his mouth. “I forgot to call you before it went public. I just...didn’t even think. I wanted to tell you myself.”
"The ring is really pretty." Justin mumbled. His voice caught.
He hung up.
And then he broke.