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Wifies unwrinkled his lab coat and adjusted his glasses. He walked through rows and rows of immobile bodies.
Bodies that looked just like him. Every part of them looked exactly like him.
But they were all failures.
As time went on, his failures piled up. Thousands of failed experiments weighed on him. He began to grow frustrated. He wanted to scream, he wanted to break something and let out his frustration.
He stopped walking once he reached a tube labeled 0515. On the control panel, there was a button to drain the preserving liquid and eject his clone. When the glass opened, the clone fell limply into Wifies' arms. He forced the clones' eye open and shined a light into it.
Its pupil had no response.
"Shit." He cursed, throwing the body aside and wiping his hands with a cloth he fished out of his pocket. "Another failure."
Useless.
Wifies raised his fist, about to strike one of the many liquid-filled glass tubes containing another one of his failures. But he stopped himself. He must remain calm. After inhaling a deep breath, he forced his nerves to relax.
Snap. Three clones emerged from behind the tubes and hoisted the limp clone on the ground back into the glass tube. "Idiot clones. I've run so many experiments to expand your brain capacity and yet this is all you can do."
His hand pressed down upon another button and the glass tube was filled once more.
Wifies patted down his clothes despite having done so mere minutes ago. He had two more clones to check.
0516 was also useless. He didn't even need to take it out of the tube to see that half of its body has disintegrated.
He moved on to the final test for today.
Today was an important day. His job for the next while would be exponentially harder if he didn't manage to produce a good clone.
"0517." He muttered under his breath, he patted his coat down again ensuring there wasn't a speck of dust—a habit he'd picked up.
He touched his glasses as he looked from his coat to the clone. Wifies froze. 0517 was already looking back at him.
It was a promising sign.
It pressed a hand against the glass as it floated in the tube. The liquid lowered and the glass tube opened. The clone didn't fall over. It stepped out and gracefully landed itself.
Wifies examined its body, 0517 was more built than he was. His muscles more prominent than the scientist that stayed in a laboratory doing experiments all day.
Wifies took off his lab coat and draped it over his clone. He usually carried a clothing set with him every time he was to check on his clones but recently, there had been so many failures, he gave up on carrying it with him.
Although he was happy this clone could stand on its two feet, it had yet to pass the more important test.
"I wonder how you fare in intelligence." One of the simple-minded clones passed him a clipboard. The clipboard contained some run of the mill questions and orders.
"Come here." The clone stepped forwards.
"Bring me that cloth over there." It did as told.
"Can you answer me a few questions?" At this point, Wifies was hoping that this clone would answer him back. It came closer and pushed down his clipboard.
The clone leaned closer to his ear, "You don't need to waste your time with such useless questions. Do you really think I'm that pathetic?"
Wifies' eyes widened. It was completely self sufficient. He had finally done it. A completely and utterly successful clone.
The clone noticed a stray strand of hair in front of his eyes. It gently planted its finger on his forehead, dragged it along his skin and tucked it behind his ear. 0517 didn't retract it's hand, but kept going until it reached under his chin. The clone gave it a little flick with its pointer finger.
Wifies was stunned. This clone sure had a…unique personality.
The two of them were still uncomfortably close—at least for Wifies. He wasn't even able to react when 0517 took the clipboard and pen from his hands.
"Don't worry, I'll direct things from here." Its lips tugged into a smile. "And when you deem I'm useful enough, you can send me out to do a real job."
"I'll leave you to it then…Director."
The Director scratched something down on the clipboard. When Wifies got a glance it said.
'Name: Wifies (The Director)'
Wifies could cry. He can write too.
In the days that would follow, leaving the clone work to Directorfies, there were more successes than in the last few months.
Wifies put on his lab gear and entered the clone chambers for the first time that week. He was just in time to see The Director help another successful clone out of its tube.
"How has the Unstable Universe been treating you?"
"So you know that's where I went?"
"Of course." He smiled. "I know everything that involves me."
"So you know you'll be taking over soon then." He nodded, handing something over to Wifies. "What's this?"
They were his glasses. He didn't know how the Director would have known that he left his glasses here but he didn't question it and put them on.
"You're such a nice person Wifies." The Director sighed. "I can't believe you would sacrifice your comfort so I wouldn't have to wear glasses when I went."
What? That's not why—
"I've already developed another clone to take over this job." He handed off his clipboard and pen. "You can rest for now."
The Director spun Wifies around, placing one hand on his shoulder and his other around his waist. He stiffened at the touch but didn't resist to being guided by him to the upper floor—his actual living space.
Wifies was a busy man. It was of no surprise that he lived on top of his lab.
Wifies was sat down to rest and handed a cup of tea. The tea was perfect, exactly how he liked it.
Earl Grey tea mixed with citrus, vanilla, among other spices. Brewed at 90 degrees for three minutes. Exactly 180 seconds. And served not a second later.
"But I never told you how I liked my tea." He took a sip.
"You didn't need to." Directorfies smiled. "I am you."
Wifies couldn't help but laugh. He put down his tea and reached over the sofa backrest for the Director's face, gently dragging his hand down his cheek. As Wifies' hand started to drop, the Director grabbed his hand and kept it there, leaning into his palm.
"You really are my greatest work." Years of experimental tests and labs, thousands of failed clones but now finally, one that… "You're perfect."
"And thus you are too." The Director closed his eyes. "I'm all yours."
Wifies grabbed the Director by his collar and dragged him down to his level. Directorfies swung his leg over the backrest and pushed Wifies into the couch. Gentle enough that it didn't hurt by rough enough that he felt it. He blocked Wifies' head from hitting the side rest and placed his hand there.
Wifies prided himself for being—for the most part—unphased by most things. But he really was speechless.
Luckily, actions don't require words. Wifies grabbed on the Director's neck and pulled him into a kiss.
Kissing himself was a bit of an interesting experience but having the same mouth shape and linked thoughts made them know exactly what to do with their mouths.
They were perfectly in sync, breaths and tongue moving with absolute precision.
Yet somehow, even though the two of them were exactly the same, Wifies was the first one to run out of breath. He pulled back and took in some air, gasping heavily.
Directorfies just gave him one last peck on the corner of his mouth. He patted his back and swiftly left the building. But not before snapping his finger and summoning two simpleton clones to serve Wifies.
"I'll see you soon then."
Wifies' face couldn't have been more red. He slowly touched his lips, not believing what just happened.
The next months were…relaxing. It was the first time in a long time Wifies could properly stay at home and rest.
The Director had somehow managed to teach the simpleton clones to brew his tea, but still none of them tasted as good as when he made it.
Wifies has always been doing something so now that he had leisure time, he didn't really know what to do. He had no friends or people to lean back on. But now, he did.
"I'm back." The sound of an enderpearl landed and the Director appeared right beside him. Wifies smiled, he was so happy he had someone to be excited to wait for. The Director's hair had a white strip through it, likely a side effect from overconsumption of invisibility potions. "I think that's the last of the experts I can send after him."
"How's Parrot holding up?"
"The 'experts' could barely even be called that. They're all useless." He leaned his head on Wifies' shoulder. "But I suppose I did tell them not to kill him.
He kissed the top of his head.
"Did you miss me?"
"Always." The scientist didn't see a point in hiding it. Being what people called a "tsundere" was a waste of energy for both parties. It was more efficient to just say it. "How could I not miss my most perfect creation."
Evilfies gently grabbed Directorfies' chin. He pulled him closer to examine his face. Every last detail was the same, it was what made him so flawless. "An exact copy." He marveled.
"A clone who is what it was made to be." The Director smiled.
"There is just one small difference I have observed." The scientist released his face.
"What is it?"
"You are somehow stronger than me. And your personality is ever slightly more on the…how do I say—crude side."
"Well, you know." The clone crossed his legs. "Making a truly identical clone is near impossible with all the different alleles and genetic combinations you can have with yourself. I am the closest you've ever come.
Having an identical clone isn't necessarily a good idea either. You must have a way to distinguish them from yourself lest you end up wondering if you were a clone too."
"You think I haven't already thought of all that?" He laughed. "That's why I'm saying you're perfect.
Not only are you the most similar, but I've made you physically more capable than me. That, is the real accomplishment." The scientist let go of his clone's face and lay down on his lap. For some reason, he couldn't stop himself from being close to him.
I suppose it's only natural to want to stay with your greatest product.
The Director hovered a hand over his eyes, blocking out the light, and gently combed through his hair.
He moved in a constant rhythm. Exactly 60 beats per minute—how fast both of their current heart beats were.
It wasn't very long before Directorfies put Evilfies to sleep.
His breathing didn't change like a normal person's would, the Director could only tell because his mental connection with the man in his lap told him so.
"I'm sorry but I can't stay." He said in a hushed voice. "Those pathetic experts have failed once again. Maybe it would just be better to lock him up, forever."
I'll never let him out of my sight.
==============
When Wifies woke up, he noticed that he'd been transferred to his bedroom. And that he was alone again.
"I really wish you could've stayed longer…" he sighed. But he couldn't send just anyone, there was no other clone smarter than this one. It had to be him.
It's okay, I'll wait for you.
So he did. He waited for days, weeks, even months, but there was still no sign of him. Nothing Wifies sent him to do was supposed to take this long.
His heart still had hope…for the first few weeks. But as time went by, his heart ran cold.
He hadn't worn his white coat in months at this point, there simply was no need to. He already had a fully self operational clone factory run by his own clones.
But still, out of habit, Wifies dusted off his clothes, and straightened his glasses. "I guess I'll just have to check myself."
He wasn't going to actually—physically go wherever his clone was. Wifies grabbed his remote and turned on his television.
Wifies has a secret. Throughout his scientific career, her been planting nano cameras on anything and everything—people, trees, items, and especially, his clones. Every single one of them had a nano camera attached to them, embedded in their eyes.
He'd even gotten one of Parrot. The television displayed a map of the world, it was littered with colour coded dots. Each person he had wired was a different colour, and his clones had a colour system from least to most useful.
Wifies zoomed into Parrot's camera. But he noticed something odd. There were two attached to him. He was a hundred percent certain he'd only put one on the seventh feather from his shoulder, on the lesser covert.
It dawned on him, the Director did it. It would make total sense, he and his clone thought in the same way. Of course he would want to surveil Parrot. That was the most efficient way of getting rid of him.
A smile crept on his face as he clicked Parrot's camera and the footage was displayed on the TV. A smile that quickly vanished.
His clone was uninvis.
Nowhere in his itinerary said to reveal himself to Parrot.
The predicament he was in was even worse. Parrot and the Director stood across from each other, both completely void of items and armour.
"You kept on saying you killed your past self to become who you are today. But both of us know, you'll deny it but both of us know, that there's some version of you deep down that wishes you hadn't done this, that wishes you hadn't faked your death, that wishes you hadn't manipulated my friends and killed them, and do all these things to me. And that wishes they could go back. You know that, you're staring at me right now because you know that.
Wifies, when I leave this place, when I get out of this prison, just know, even after all that you did, in not gonna remember you as the player that did all these horrible things.
When people ask me about who Wifies was, I'm gonna remember you as the Wifies I used to know. The Wifies that cared about other people and was kind to everyone.
The Wifies that have me the spyglass."
"Please Parrot, please…give that to me before you hurt yourself." He choked back another sentence. But that Wifies wasn't me…
"It's all yours." Parrot dropped the spyglass on the pressure plate, and started making his way up the tall spiral staircase behind Wifies.
"How did he know…" He muttered. Evilfies analyzed Parrot's—in his opinion—overly dramatized speech. He knew the person behind the Wifies character has changed. Despite the minuscule changes between him and his clone, Parrot was still somehow able to decipher it.
Wifies switched the camera to the one he implanted on the Director. Beside him on the wall, his clock ticked particularly loud.
Surely he had a back up plan, something in his inventory. Just…something.
And yet, the Director just stared. Stared at the spyglass Evilfies has given to Parrot.
He doesn't have anything.
Directorfies shifted, "Maybe, if I take the spyglass…Parrot will remember me too."
"No!"
It was too late. He had already stepped off the pressure plate. The Director sprinted to the spyglass. There was no effort made to escape. He couldn't even reach the spyglass—couldn't even pick it up before the ground around him exploded.
Wifies' most prized possession…dead. Without even a body to take home.
Losing his clone hurt. The years he spent cultivating the perfect clone was gone with one stupid decision.
But what hurt more, was that he chose Parrot over him.
He chose to be forever together with a stupid fucking bird. Then to stay with his creator.
The one who engineered him into existence, that gave him a purpose. He threw it all away for a bird that wouldn't even remember the Director version of Wifies anyway.
He would remember me.
It was sickening.
But Wifies learned something. Before, he probably would have said something technical, like, "I'm removing all of their emotional capabilities."
But now, there was only one thing in his mind." I'm never getting attached to a clone ever again…"
Wifies switched off the TV.