Work Text:
Act I: The Arrival
"Hey, Usopp! Look, look!" Luffy's voice cracked with excitement as he nearly toppled the barrel he'd been lounging against. His sandals slapped against the deck as he scrambled to the railing, pointing wildly at the horizon. "It's Ace! Ace is here!"
"Who's Ace?" Usopp laughed at Luffy's excitement. The sniper had been in the middle of polishing his slingshot when Luffy nearly knocked him over, that rubbery enthusiasm impossible to contain. Before anyone could get an answer, a figure landed on the deck with the grace of a panther, boots barely making a sound against the wood. The man straightened up, revealing a freckled face half-hidden beneath a wide-brimmed hat, and Usopp's fingers twitched around the rag still clutched in his hand. He blushed and hid behind Luffy.
"Ace!" Luffy launched himself at the man, ruining Usopp's hiding spot. The sniper stumbled forward, catching himself just before colliding with the brothers, his face burning hotter than the midday sun. Ace laughed, ruffling Luffy's hair with one hand while steadying Usopp with the other, his fingers lingering just a second too long on the sniper's bony wrist.
"This is my big brother!" Luffy cheered and started pulling Ace along, "Come meet my crew!"
Ace's eyes didn't leave Usopp. "Why not introduce me to the cute one first?"
"That's my sniper, Usopp," Luffy barely introduced before dragging Ace on to meet the rest of them.
The moment Ace’s fingers brushed Usopp’s wrist, something electric and unfamiliar sparked under the sniper’s skin. He yanked his arm back, nearly knocking over a crate of Nami’s tangerines in the process.
"S-sorry!" Usopp stammered, scrambling to steady the crate, his ears burning. Ace just grinned, slow and knowing, as if he’d uncovered some secret Usopp hadn’t even realized he was keeping.
The rest of the crew's introductions blurred together in Usopp's mind, his attention flicking back to Ace every few seconds like a compass needle finding true north. The freckled man laughed at something Zoro said, tossing his head back with an ease Usopp envied. Even Nami, usually sharp-tongued with strangers, softened when Ace complimented her navigation charts. Sanji had already vanished below deck, muttering about preparing a feast worthy of Luffy's brother.
Usopp busied himself with his slingshot again, pretending to adjust the rubber band tension. He wasn’t hiding. Definitely not. A sniper needed to maintain his equipment, after all. The wood felt warm and familiar under his fingers, grounding him until the deck creaked under approaching footsteps.
"Not much of a people person, huh?" Ace crouched beside him, elbows resting on his knees. Up close, Usopp caught the faint scent of woodsmoke clinging to his clothes.
Act II: The Shared Apple
"I’m great with people!" Usopp's voice cracked. He cleared his throat, fingers tightening around the slingshot. "I’ll have you know I once charmed an entire village into believing I single-handedly defeated a sea king with nothing but a spoon and—"
Ace’s chuckle cut him off. "Relax. I like a good story." He plucked an apple from the crate beside them, polishing it against his vest before offering it to Usopp. Their fingers brushed, and Usopp nearly dropped the fruit.
Usopp fumbled the apple, catching it against his chest with a muffled thump. He stared at it like it might explode, the red skin gleaming under the afternoon sun. Ace didn’t seem to notice his panic, or if he did, he chose to ignore it, biting into his own apple with a crisp crunch.
"You know," Ace said around a mouthful of fruit, "Luffy’s never mentioned you before."
"R-really?" Usopp blinked, clutching the apple so tight his knuckles whitened. His mind raced—had Luffy truly never talked about him? The thought settled like a stone in his gut.
Ace swallowed another bite, wiping juice from his chin with the back of his hand. "Not until last week, anyway." He grinned, leaning closer. "Then suddenly, it was 'Usopp built this' and 'Usopp fixed that' every five minutes."
The sniper's shoulders relaxed. He exhaled, unaware he'd been holding his breath. "Oh."
"Turns out," Ace continued, nudging Usopp's knee with his own, "you're kind of incredible."
Heat flooded Usopp's face again. He opened his mouth—to protest, to brag, to say anything—but the words tangled on his tongue. Instead, he took a too-big bite of apple to buy time, juice dribbling down his chin.
"I think he was worried I might steal you away from him," Ace wiped Usopp’s chin with his thumb, the rough pad catching on stubble before Usopp jerked back like he’d been burned. The apple core hit the deck with a wet thud. Ace laughed, low and warm, as Usopp’s ears turned the same shade as the discarded fruit.
Act III: Midnight Conversations
Later that evening, when the lanterns had burned low and Zoro’s snoring competed with the creak of the ship’s hull, Usopp found himself on deck, fiddling with a new invention. Or pretending to. Mostly he was replaying every glance, every brush of fingers, every low chuckle Ace had aimed his way. The night air was thick with salt, and Usopp scowled at his half-disassembled gadget like it had personally offended him.
Sanji appeared at Usopp’s elbow, thrusting a steaming mug of cider into his hands without preamble. "Luffy’s brother is really forward with you," Sanji muttered, lighting a fresh cigarette with deliberate nonchalance. "Like a damn bloodhound with a scent."
Usopp nearly dropped the mug, fingers tightening around the warm ceramic. "You noticed him sniffing me too?" Usopp asked, slightly alarmed.
Sanji arched an eyebrow, the tip of his cigarette glowing orange in the dim light. "Not literally, idiot." He breathed out a slow stream of smoke. "But the way he looks at you? Like you're the last bottle of rum on a dry island... wait, did he sniff you for real?" Sanji's voice dropped to a growl. "Did he?"
Usopp waved his hands frantically, nearly spilling the cider. "No! Well. Maybe. Kind of? He leaned in close when I showed him my slingshot modifications and—and I thought I imagined it."
"You're imagining a lot of things tonight," Sanji snorted, flicking ash over the railing.
A floorboard creaked behind them. Both men turned to find Ace leaning against the mast, arms crossed, hat tipped low enough to shadow his smirk. "Only the pleasant things, I hope."
Usopp yelped, nearly launching his mug into the sea. Sanji caught it with practiced ease, scowling. "The hell are you doing skulking around?"
"Just lookin' for my favorite sniper," Ace drawled, pushing off the mast with a lazy grace. "Mind if I borrow him?"
Sanji's grip on the mug tightened. "He's not a damn library book."
Ace chuckled, reaching out to pluck a leaf from Usopp's hair, his fingers lingering just long enough to make the sniper's pulse stutter. "Didn't say he was. But I do owe him a proper thank-you for fixing my hat earlier. Right, Usopp?" Ace looked at him with those warm, knowing eyes, and Usopp found himself nodding before his brain caught up.
Sanji exhaled sharply through his nose, smoke curling from his nostrils like an irritated dragon. "Don't stay up too late," he muttered, thrusting the cider back into Usopp's hands. "We've got rigging repairs at dawn." The cook's glare at Ace could have melted steel.
Act IV: The Teasing Seduction
Ace military-stepped forward after Sanji departed. Once the cook was out of sight, he leaned in closer, bracing one hand against the mast beside Usopp's head. His breath ghosted over Usopp's lips, warm and sweet with cider.
"You're really bad at this," Ace observed, lips quirking. "The whole 'being seduced' thing."
Usopp spluttered, his face flaming. "I am not—! This isn't—!" He flailed, trying to deflect the intensity of the moment. "Besides, the burden of effort goes to the seducer, not the seducee!"
Ace blinked. Then he laughed—really laughed, the kind that shook his shoulders and crinkled his eyes shut. "Where the hell did that come from?"
Usopp rubbed his wrists nervously. "I read a book once," he lied smoothly, then immediately ruined it by adding, "Okay, fine, I overheard Nami reading a romance novel aloud to Robin last week—but the point stands!"
"Does it?" Ace crowded closer again, his dark eyes molten in the dim lantern light. "Because I'm pretty sure the 'seducee' is supposed to stop talking long enough to be kissed."
Usopp's pulse stuttered. "That—that sounds like victim blaming."
Ace's laughter hitched into a sharp exhale, his forehead dropping against Usopp's shoulder with a muffled thump. "God, you're impossible," he groaned, but his fingers curled gently around Usopp's hips, holding him steady against the mast. The wood creaked in protest, and somewhere in the rigging above, a loose pulley rattled like a warning.
The rattle of the pulley seemed to break the spell. Ace kept his forehead resting against Usopp's shoulder for a long, quiet moment before pulling back with a soft, affectionate smile. He gave Usopp’s hip one last gentle squeeze before stepping away, plucking his hat from where it had fallen and tossing it back onto his messy black curls.
"Go get some sleep, sniper," Ace murmured, his voice a low, teasing rumble. "Lest the cook comes back to check if you're resting up for his dawn repairs."
Usopp didn't need to be told twice. He practically scrambled away from the mast, his boots clicking hurriedly against the deck as he vanished into the men's quarters. He spent the remaining hours of the night staring at the wooden ceiling, his lips still tingling with the taste of cider and sea salt.
Act V: The Port Kidnapping
The next morning, it was completely obvious that Sanji had just been using the rigging as an excuse to separate them. Nami was the one actually running the show, standing on the quarterdeck and shouting orders about getting the hull inspected while they were tied up at the docks. Sanji didn't even care about the rigging; he was entirely focused on the galley, though he did manage to cast a few sharp glares toward the deck whenever he crossed it.
Usopp kept his head down the entire morning, desperately avoiding eye contact with Ace, who looked entirely too relaxed as he lounged on a shipping crate, nursing a mug of coffee. Every time Usopp accidentally glanced in his direction, Ace would simply lift his mug in a silent, knowing toast, making the sniper’s ears flare bright red.
By afternoon, Nami finally called a break, and the crew immediately scattered into the port town to finish their errands. Seizing the momentary quiet, Usopp retreated to his workshop on the lower deck, eager to bury his frantic thoughts in blueprints and gunpowder modifications. The familiar scent of oil and iron usually grounded him, but today, he kept adjusting the tension on his slingshot over and over, unable to concentrate.
The heavy door to the workshop was shoved back with enough force to rattle the tools on the wall.
Usopp jumped, dropping a handful of ball bearings. "What the—"
"Found you," Ace drawled, leaning against the doorframe with a wicked grin. He had discarded his heavy vest, wearing just his orange shorts and his trademark hat.
"Ace! You can't just bust in here, I'm working on highly volatile—"
Usopp didn't get to finish the sentence. Ace crossed the small room in two long strides, completely ignoring the protest. Before Usopp could even drop his wrench, Ace swooped down, wrapped a strong arm right around the sniper's waist, and hoisted him off his stool.
"Hey! Put me down! What are you doing?" Usopp flailed, his satchel bouncing wildly against his hip as Ace slung him over his shoulder like a sack of flour.
"I'm taking my favorite sniper out for lunch," Ace laughed, turning on his heel and marching back out toward the deck. "You've been hiding in here all day, and I've got a whole list of street food vendors I want to try."
"This is kidnapping! Legal, proper kidnapping!" Usopp shouted at the floorboards as they moved up the stairs. "I have blueprints! I have a reputation!"
"You can have a reputation after we get some food into you," Ace countered easily, his hand resting firm and warm against the back of Usopp's thigh to keep him steady as he carried him down the gangplank and into the crowded port town.
Act VI: Three's a Crowd
Once they were a safe distance from the ship, Ace finally set him down. Usopp stumbled, quickly dusting off his overalls and adjusting his sniper cowl, his face burning hotter than the midday sun. He glared at Ace, but the fire-user just grinned, leaning in close to point toward a lively row of colorful food stalls down the street.
"See? Not so bad, right?" Ace murmured, his fingers brushing the small of Usopp's back to guide him into the crowd. "Just a quiet afternoon. No shouting, no crew—"
"Hey! What are you guys doing?"
The familiar voice shattered the atmosphere like a cannonball. A red-vested blur dropped directly between them from a low-hanging tavern roof, a half-eaten skewer of meat clamped between his teeth. Luffy landed with a wide grin, his rubbery arms instantly wrapping around Usopp’s neck in a loose chokehold.
Ace stumbled back, blinking in surprise before a resigned sigh escaped his lips. "Luffy. What are you doing here? Don't you have a meat shop to terrorize?"
"I smelled Usopp," Luffy said simply, chewing loudly as he detached from the sniper's neck only to grab his wrist, pulling Usopp firmly to his left side. "And I smelled food. Why didn't you invite me?"
"Because it’s a date, you idiot," Ace said, though there wasn't any real venom in his voice. He reached out to pull Usopp back toward his side, but Luffy stubbornly held on, his grip tightening just enough to make his intentions clear.
"No," Luffy said, his large eyes narrowing as he looked at his older brother. The usual goofy expression on the captain's face hardened into something uncharacteristically possessive. "Usopp is my sniper. If he's going somewhere cool, he goes with me."
Act VII: The Chaos of the Striker
The brief escape into the port town brought a temporary relief to the tension, but it didn't last long. Once Nami gave the order to pull up the anchor later that afternoon, the ship cruised out into the open sea under a clear sky. Ace didn't leave right away. Instead, he dropped his personal skiff, the Striker, into the water to ride alongside them.
The small, crescent-shaped boat was uniquely built to run on the power of Ace’s Fire-Fist devil fruit, throwing twin plumes of white water behind it as flames surged from the rear engine. He kept pace effortlessly with the main ship, leaning against the central seat and steering with one casual hand while looking up at the crew.
Usopp was leaning over the ship's railing, watching the fiery display with wide eyes.
"Hey, sniper!" Ace called out over the rushing sound of the waves and his engine. "Want to see how it handles up close? Come down for a spin!"
"Are you crazy?" Usopp shouted back, gripping the railing tighter. "That thing is tiny! And it's on fire!"
"It's perfectly safe," Ace laughed, bringing the skiff closer until it brushed against the side of the hull. "Unless you're too scared?"
Usopp scoffed, his pride instantly flaring up. "I'm Captain Usopp! I don't know the meaning of fear!" Before his brain could stop him, he scrambled over the railing and dropped down, landing squarely into the tiny vessel.
There was only one central seat, and it was already occupied. Ace didn't offer to move. Instead, he pulled Usopp back by the waist, settling the sniper directly into the small space between his thighs. Usopp froze, his back pressed flush against Ace’s front, his face turning an instant, brilliant red. He could feel every vibration of the engine right through Ace's body, along with the intense heat radiating from the fire-user. Ace’s heart soared at the sheer proximity, a smug, highly satisfied grin spreading across his freckled face as his arms wrapped around Usopp to keep a firm grip on the steering mechanisms.
"Comfy?" Ace murmured right against the shell of Usopp's ear, his voice low and vibrating.
"Too close! This is structurally unsafe!" Usopp stammered, his fingers clawing at the edges of the small boat as Ace fired up the engine, sending them rocketing across the water ahead of the ship.
Up on the deck of the main ship, Luffy watched the skiff zoom away. He gripped the wooden railing so hard his knuckles turned white, his large eyes locked onto the back of Usopp’s head. His usual bright smile was completely gone, replaced by a deep, uncharacteristic scowl as he watched his older brother fixate entirely on his sniper.
"Luffy, what's wrong with your face?" Nami asked, walking past with a logbook. "You look like someone stole your lunch."
"Ace is being annoying," Luffy muttered, his lower lip puffing out as he stretched his neck out over the water. "Usopp is supposed to be up here. With me."
Act VIII: The Bombardment
The Striker roared to life, turning the calm sea into a blur of white foam as Ace began tearing around the Going Merry in dizzying, tight loops. Usopp let out a high-pitched scream, his long fingers clawing at the gunwales as they bounced over the wakes. He was screaming for his life, convinced every sharp turn would send them launching into the maw of some waiting sea king, but Ace just laughed, the sound rich and completely unbothered by the speed.
Ace kept one arm securely wrapped around Usopp’s tiny waist, anchoring the sniper firmly against his chest. Holding him like this, Ace couldn't help but marvel at how petite Usopp actually was under those loose, baggy overalls. Every frantic twitch of the sniper's nervousness felt incredibly adorable, vibrating right against Ace's own chest. It was a physical pull so strong that Ace felt a sudden, heavy temptation to actually kidnap the man for real.
A wicked fantasy brushed through his mind—a quiet, sun-drenched tropical island, completely cut off from the Grand Line. Just the two of them stranded together, where they could get up to all sorts of private things under the shade of the palm trees. Ace could picture it perfectly: taking his time, breaking through that nervous exterior, and completely erasing Usopp's virgin status... repeatedly.
But the fantasy ran face-first into a very loud, very stubborn reality.
Ace slowed the Striker down slightly, letting the engine hum a little quieter as they coasted along the Going Merry's starboard side. With the spray settling, he couldn't help but look down at the sniper trapped securely in his lap. From this angle, the wide gap in the side of Usopp's overalls was completely distracting, offering a clear view of the smooth expanse of his chest. Ace decided right then and there that it was practically a crime for someone this sweet and nervous to run around without a proper shirt underneath. The casual, loose fit of the denim left far too much skin exposed to the sea breeze, and it was giving Ace some seriously naughty thoughts.
Ace pressed his nose flat against the warm skin at the side of Usopp's throat, inhaling deeply. "You smell so damn good, sniper," he muttered, his hot breath ghosting over Usopp's collarbone.
Usopp squeaked, his entire body going rigid. "A-Ace! We are in plain view of the entire ocean! And my captain! Especially my captain!"
Up on the deck, Luffy officially lost his mind.
Seeing his older brother putting his face right against his sniper's neck was the absolute last straw. Luffy went full monkey, letting out an outraged screech that echoed across the water. He scrambled around the deck at lightning speed, his rubbery arms snapping up anything that wasn't bolted down to launch at the tiny yellow boat.
A stray wooden wedge from the rigging repairs went flying first, whistling past Ace's hat and splashing into the sea. Next came a stray coil of rope, followed closely by a completely empty wooden bucket.
"Get away from him, Ace!" Luffy yelled, his face completely red with jealousy as he perched on the railing. "Stop sniffing my sniper You're gonna ruin him!"
Act IX: Dragon's Wrath and Broken Rules
The chaotic bombardment came to a screeching halt the moment the heavy oak door of the cabin slammed open. Nami marched onto the deck, her face contorted into an expression of pure rage.
"LUFFY!" Nami’s voice boomed across the water.
Luffy froze mid-swing, a heavy crate of expensive brass ship fittings hovering dangerously over the water. Nami delivered a swift, brutal punch to the top of Luffy’s head, leaving a massive, smoking bump in its wake. "Are you completely out of your mind?! I spent three hours haggling at the port for those! You do not throw expensive navigation materials overboard!"
"But Ace was sniffing Usopp!" Luffy whined, clutching his throbbing head. "He's trying to steal my sniper!"
Nami turned her sharp glare over the railing. "Hey! Fire-guy! Either bring that little boat alongside, tie it off, and get up here, or give us back our sniper right now! Either way, Usopp is coming back on board this ship this instant!"
Ace cut the engine down to a gentle idle, steering the Striker smoothly until it bumped against the hull. Usopp didn't even wait for the lines to be secured; he scrambled up the side of the hull like a startled cat, practically throwing himself over the railing and onto the solid deck.
"Land! Beautiful, stable land!" Usopp wheezed.
Before he could stand, Luffy sailed through the air, dropping flat on top of the sniper like a heavy blanket. He clamped his arms and legs around Usopp, glaring at Ace. "Mine," Luffy muttered into the back of Usopp’s overalls.
But the nature of the hug instantly shifted. Luffy’s hand surreptitiously crept right through the loose, open gap at the side of Usopp's overalls. The contrast of Luffy’s warm, bare palm directly against the bare skin of his ribs made Usopp’s heart leap into his throat. It was a fiercely territorial gesture, a silent declaration of ownership right in front of his older brother.
Ace stood a few feet away, his arms crossed. His dark eyes tracked the subtle movement of Luffy's arm beneath the denim. He actually found himself getting genuinely annoyed with his little brother. Luffy had always been completely oblivious to romance, yet here he was, stubbornly copying his big brother’s moves. Or maybe Luffy was actually growing up and going after a cute target of his own. But Ace was absolutely not about to let his little brother steal away his new prize.
"Hey, Luffy," Ace drawled, crouching down and casually brushing his fingers against the top of Usopp’s shoulder. "You're holding on awful tight there. A captain is supposed to share his crew, isn't he?"
Luffy’s hand tightened against Usopp’s ribs. "No. I don't share Usopp. Go find your own crew."
"NAMI! HELP!" Usopp shrieked at the top of his voice. "I'M BEING COMPRESSED! CAPTAIN'S LOG: CRUSHED TO DEATH BY BROTHERLY RIVALRY!"
Nami launched herself at them, jabbed a finger directly at her captain. "Luffy, if you touch my sniper again, I am doubling your existing debt! And you," she snapped at Ace, "I am charging you a twenty-thousand-berry 'Disruption of Peace and Navigation' fee on the spot! If either of you creates a scene that ruins my ship's schedule, Luffy will be eating bread crusts until the next island, and I'm impounding that little burning skiff of yours!"
Ace blinked, thoroughly impressed by the absolute ruthlessness of the Straw Hat navigator, before a slow, amused chuckle escaped him. He rubbed the back of his neck, raising his hands in a mock surrender. "Message received, Miss Navigator. I certainly wouldn't want to break the rules."
Even as he complied, Ace cast one last long, heavily weighted glance over Nami's shoulder. His dark eyes locked onto Usopp, who was still trembling behind her boots, offering the sniper a slow, completely deliberate wink that promised this little game was far from over.
Act X: The Galley Standoff
Later that evening, the tension shifted down to the crew's dinner in the galley. Usopp sat wedged firmly between Nami and Zoro, using them as a literal human shield.
Luffy was aggressively stuffing his face while keeping his large, round eyes locked onto Usopp. Every time Usopp reached for a dish, Luffy’s rubbery arm would shoot across the table to grab it first. It was entirely obvious what was happening—Usopp was going to completely starve unless he gave Luffy exactly what he wanted.
With a defeated sigh, Usopp walked around the long bench and climbed directly into his captain's lap. Luffy’s face instantly transformed into a massive, triumphant grin. His bare palm slid right back through the side gap of the overalls, cupping Usopp's ribs in a tight, possessive hold.
Luffy's hand had officially found a new favorite place, and he completely abandoned any attempt at being subtle about it. Now, every single chance he got to slide his palm into that warm, dark space where Usopp’s smooth skin and bony ribs met denim, his hand would tuck right in there. Then Luffy’s hand slid further forward, his palm smoothing right over Usopp’s flat belly. Luffy’s arm was pushed so far into the loose side gap of the overalls that he was practically in past his elbow.
"L-Luffy!" Usopp squeaked, his voice cracking violently. "You're—you're looking for my appendix at this point! Get your arm out of my clothes!"
Ace’s casual posture completely vanished. The lazy, teasing smirk was entirely gone from the fire-user's face, replaced by a dark, competitive scowl. He reached across the table, his broad, calloused hand snapping down around Luffy's wrist right where it entered the denim, his internal heat flaring just enough to make his skin smoking hot. "Alright, that's enough," Ace growled. "Let the guy breathe, little brother."
"Please!" Usopp wailed, his voice cracking into a desperate, theatrical sob. "I am begging you both! Just let me go! I just want to eat my glazed pork in peace without my torso becoming a battleground!"
Luffy reluctantly slid his arm backward, pulling his hand out of the overalls. The moment the pressure vanished, Usopp scrambled out of Luffy’s lap like a cat escaping a bath. He snatched his plate, bolted to the far corner of the galley, and sat flat on the floor with his back pressed securely against the wall.
Act XI: Queens, Ghosts, and Family Planning
Sitting back on the bench, Ace rubbed his temple, his irritation fading into a dry chuckle. He and Luffy were brothers by circumstance and a shared cup of sake, completely unrelated biologically. They just happened to look enough alike and act chaotic enough that people constantly mistook them for blood relatives.
"We don't look identical," Ace drawled, leaning back. "I'm significantly better looking. Right, sniper?"
Luffy swallowed his meat with a loud gulp. "No! I'm gonna be Pirate King, so I'm the best looking!"
Ace cracked up at that, his eyes flashing with absolute mischief. "Is that right, Luffy? Well, if you think you've found your future pirate queen, you better think again. Because the sniper is so totally going to be my queen."
Usopp died a quick, absolute death of pure mortification right there on the floor. His head slumped against the galley wall, his eyes turning into blank white circles as his soul visually detached from his body, floating upward in a wispy, translucent cloud of sheer embarrassment. Without wasting a second, Usopp's dramatic little ghost floated straight across the ceiling, drifted down into the relative safety of the galley kitchen, and squeezed himself inside a low, dark cupboard used for storing Sanji’s oversized soup cauldrons.
Sanji sighed, walked past the shouting brothers, and walked straight into the kitchen. He knelt down, opened the cauldron cupboard door just a crack, and slid a fresh plate of glazed pork inside. "Eat it before the rubber bastard realizes you're dead," Sanji muttered.
With a sudden, sharp gasp, Usopp’s soul snapped right back into his physical form. He grabbed the plate and crept silently out of the galley, heading down the wooden stairs to the lower deck. He slipped into his workshop—which was really just a glorified closet—and bolted the heavy door behind him. He pulled aside a stack of empty wooden crates to reveal his secret hideout: a hidden nest of thick, mismatched blankets and soft rags. He curled into a tight ball, finally feeling safe away from both brothers.
Back in the galley, the brotherly argument had escalated into complete absurdity.
"I'm thinking a classic monochrome for the china patterns," Ace declared grandly. "And deep crimson drapes for the cabin. It’ll look perfect on our private honeymoon barge."
"No way!" Luffy yelled. "Only I get to see Usopp wearing a pretty white dress like the girls in the magazines with the rags covering their heads!"
"Veils," Nami helpfully supplied from the end of the table. "And you are thinking of a wedding dress."
"Yeah! That!" Luffy shouted. "He's my queen, so he wears the dress!" Luffy’s rubbery arms suddenly went rigid as he gasped, his large eyes lighting up. "And I'm gonna be the dad! Usopp is gonna have all the cute babies just for me! A whole crew of little snipers!"
Nami slowly raised her head. "Luffy, I don't think you understand any part of the biological or logistical process of what you just said."
"Hold on," Ace stammered, his smooth composure completely fracturing. "Luffy... you don't even know how babies are made. Last year you told me you thought they came from giant cabbage patches."
"Don't care!" Luffy yelled back. "The stork brings the bird and the bee, and they go right into Usopp's tummy! That's how it works! And Usopp is gonna look so pretty as a mommy!"
"Luffy," Nami muttered, her eyes twitching. "If a stork puts anything in Usopp's tummy, it's going to be a bullet from Usopp's own slingshot."
"And I know how to get the stork here, too!" Luffy shouted. "You need a ring, a knotted piece of rope, and a giant cake! Sanji told me people tie the knot to get married! So we find a rope, tie a big knot in it, put the ring on Usopp's finger, and then we eat the cake! The cake is the bait!"
Sanji looked like he wanted to jump overboard. "I am absolutely not baking a meat-flavored wedding cake to lure a mythical reproductive bird to the sniper," he growled.
Ace burst out laughing. "If it takes a ring and a cake to win the sniper, I can buy him a ring made of pure gold and a three-tiered chocolate cake from a five-star island bakery. Your little rope trick doesn't stand a chance."
"My rope is stronger than your gold!" Luffy yelled back, his lower lip puffing out.
Down in the lower deck, tucked safely inside his blanket nest, Usopp let out another tiny shiver in his sleep, completely oblivious to the fact that his captain was currently planning to capture a stork with a piece of rigging rope and a pastry just to turn him into a mommy.
Act XII: The Morning After
The morning sun broke over the horizon, casting a warm, golden glow across the deck of the Going Merry. Down in his glorified closet workshop, Usopp blinked his eyes open, stretching his arms over his head with a yawn. He felt completely refreshed. For the first time in forty-eight hours, his ribs hadn't been squeezed, his neck hadn't been sniffed, and nobody had called him a queen.
His stomach let out a thunderous rumble, reminding him that a single smuggled plate of glazed pork wasn't going to sustain a brave warrior of the sea for long.
"Alright," Usopp muttered to himself, dusting off his overalls and adjusting his sniper cowl. "Nami laid down the law yesterday. Surely those two idiots have cooled their heads by now."
He put on his most confident stride, marched up the stairs, and slid open the door to the galley kitchen, fully prepared to demand a massive breakfast from Sanji.
He froze right on the threshold.
The galley was a complete disaster area. Sanji was sitting at the bar with his head buried in his arms, looking like a man who had aged ten years overnight. Zoro was awake, drinking ale and actively recording something on a piece of paper with an amused smirk. But it was the two brothers sitting at the main table that made Usopp’s soul threaten to leave his body for a second time.
Luffy was sitting cross-legged on the bench, covered in a light dusting of flour. In his hands, he was clumsily trying to tie a massive, convoluted knot into a thick piece of heavy-duty docking rope. Sitting right next to the rope was a slightly squished, lopsided pastry he must have swiped from the pantry, and a shiny brass curtain ring he had clearly stolen from Nami’s cabin drapes.
Right across from him sat Ace, who looked entirely too smug. He had a pristine, perfectly frosted chocolate pastry resting on a small plate in front of him, and he was casually twirling a polished metal ring around his thumb.
The pastry was a miracle of engineering, mostly because they were in the middle of the ocean. Ace had spent three hours of the night dodging Sanji’s deadly kitchen traps, stealthily raiding the galley's hidden dessert reserves, and using his own subtle flame power to carefully thaw out one of the cook's highly prized, artisanal frozen chocolate pastries. He had almost lost a leg to a flying kitchen knife in the process, but as far as Ace was concerned, the victory over his little brother was worth the imminent threat of Sanji’s wrath.
The ring wasn't an official wedding band by any means—it was a random piece of gold loot he’d swiped off a high-ranking bounty hunter three islands ago, which had been sitting at the bottom of his pocket next to some lint and some pocket change. But the moment Luffy had brought up his ridiculous marriage theory overnight, Ace had fished the ring out, spit-shined it against his orange shorts, and fully decided to present it as a high-class engagement token. He was completely winging the logistics of a proposal, but he wasn't about to let his little brother win.
The moment the door slid open, both brothers snapped their heads around.
"Usopp!" Luffy cheered, his face lighting up with absolute triumph as he held up the tangled mess of rope and the squished pastry. "Look! I made the bait! Sit on my lap so we can eat the cake and wait for the bird!"
Ace smoothly rose from his seat, picking up his five-star chocolate pastry and stepping right past his brother. He leaned against the counter, giving Usopp a slow, devastatingly charming wink as his eyes drifted meaningfully down toward the sniper's stomach. "Morning, sniper. Ignore the kid's rope trick. I brought you a proper breakfast... Mommy."
Usopp stared at the knotted rope, the pastries, the rings, and the terrifying, intense look of shared family planning in both of their eyes. His mind flashed back to his peaceful, quiet blanket nest down below deck.
Without uttering a single syllable, Usopp slowly stepped backward, slid the galley door completely shut, and bolted at a full sprint right back down to the lower deck to lock himself in his workshop forever.